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She is definately available now. We talk 4 or 5 hours a week and she always dropping obvious "hints" about how she's ready to start a family, etc. And about how I'm the most brilliant guy she's ever met (no arguments there). Do I have my jealousy issues under control? Maybe. Mostly, I just like myself better now. But I still can't shake the fantasy of hurting her as much as she hurt me. Do you know what hurt the most?
The night that all the shit went down, years ago, I called her. She was crying. I was crying. I just couldn't leave well enough alone--I had to know--why? But she just kept crying and asking: "Why are you acting like this?"
That was the worst part of it all. Not all that was irreperably damaged that night. But that I knew the answer to that question--"Why are you acting like this?"
Because, well, that's who I am. Nice to meet you, have a nice life.
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"I'm losing my edge--to better looking people... with better ideas... and more talent. And who are actually really, really nice."
"Everyone's a voyeurist--they're watching me watch them watch me right now."
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