Is J-Lo really a delectable hungry man dinner?

[vtbub]

Swanson has nothing on this movie review.

Gotta love the honesty of the British press.

[Franklinnoble]

By ANTONELLA LAZZERI
in Los Angeles

FILM critics have branded J-Lo and Ben Affleck’s new film a “total disaster” which is destined to bomb at the box office.

Gigli has had reviewers sniggering in the aisles at the “laughable dialogue and ludicrous plot”.

In the film J-Lo plays a lesbian assassin who is seduced by hitman Affleck.

One critic said: “It has the feel of a straight to video film. There were a lot of rumours from the set that it was a terrible movie — and it is.”

The couple fell for each in real life while filming the movie.

But on screen, their sexual chemistry is said to be seriously lacking.

Another critic said: “Affleck is just totally miscast and J-Lo is just awful.”

In one scene J-Lo, 33, tries to seduce Affleck, 30, by laying on a bed and telling him: “It’s turkey time!”

When he asks: “What?”, she replies: “Come on, gobble, gobble”.

One reviewer said: “There was J-Lo with her legs wide open trying to look sexy and then she opens her mouth and spoils it!

“It was possibly the worst line ever said in a movie.”

The film has already undergone extensive reshooting after early previews showed audiences found the ending unbelievable.

But even J-Lo diehards will be disappointed. In the only sex scene she keeps her robe on.

And gay rights groups are incensed that J-Lo’s character starts off as a lesbian but goes straight — thanks to Affleck.

[Ksyrup]

J. Lo is a horrible actress. That movie she did with Matthew McC..Anryhydeddu...hey (I think they're spelled about the same way) was so bad that I refused to watch it after 20 minutes. It was so bad that I told my wife she could watch it on her own time, and then popped in Beaches to ease the pain.

[sachmo71]

Wow...and I was so hoping that this movie was going to be a hit!

[Fritz]

Man does not like Johnny Cash. Same man watched Beaches.

We need to get Senator on the horn and have Homeland Security investigate you.

[Ksyrup]

Originally posted by Fritz
Man does not like Johnny Cash. Same man watched Beaches.

I didn't say I didn't like Johnny Cash, I just said I don't get what's so great about him. I don't think I've even heard half a dozen songs of his, frankly.

As for Beaches...well, I must admit that was just for comedic effect.

I think it was actually Yentl that i watched.

[Easy Mac]

J-Lo's ass would make my cholesterol go through the roof.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Ksyrup
I think it was actually Yentl that i watched.

Can we get something to replace KYSyrup? Something a little more masculine like a lace doily would do.

[JeeberD]

And gay rights groups are incensed that J-Lo’s character starts off as a lesbian but goes straight — thanks to Affleck.

First Chasing Amy, now Gigli. What's with Affleck and trying to make lesbians straight???

[Easy Mac]

He made Matt Damon gay, so he figured he could make lesbians straight?

[sony]

I really don't give a hoot of how good the movie actually is -- All I know is J-Lo is in the movie - I'm watching it.

[JeeberD]

That movie is going to be so bad that even my girlfriend doesn't want to go see it. And she forced me to go see "Maid in Manhattan" with her...

[heybrad]

Once I realized that J-Lo would not allow me to wear her ass as a hat, I stopped watching her movies.

[BucDawg40]

Originally posted by Easy Mac
He made Matt Damon gay, so he figured he could make lesbians straight?

I thought Matt Damon was born gay.

[Franklinnoble]

Hey Brad!

[Anrhydeddu]

Originally posted by sony
I really don't give a hoot of how good the movie actually is -- All I know is J-Lo is in the movie - I'm watching it.

Guess there has to be one in every crowd.

[ice4277]

Originally posted by sony
I really don't give a hoot of how good the movie actually is -- All I know is J-Lo is in the movie - I'm watching it.

I never figured out the point of paying 8 or 9 bucks to see a movie because there is a hot chick in it, when once can dowload all the pics/movies of naked hot chicks having sex for free from the internet in the comfort of their own home.

[Franklinnoble]

Originally posted by ice4277
I never figured out the point of paying 8 or 9 bucks to see a movie because there is a hot chick in it, when once can dowload all the pics/movies of naked hot chicks having sex for free from the internet in the comfort of their own home.

Well, if you've never experienced the thrill of masturbating in public, you obviously wouldn't understand.

[JeeberD]

Ah, the old "hole in the popcorn bucket" trick...

[sabotai]

gobble...gobble? Turkey time?

Who the fuck is writing these scripts? Someone actually PAID someone for that line? Ugh....

[Radii]

Originally posted by sabotai
gobble...gobble? Turkey time?

Who the fuck is writing these scripts? Someone actually PAID someone for that line? Ugh....

We can always just hope that J-lo was improvising.

[Franklinnoble]

Originally posted by JeeberD
Ah, the old "hole in the popcorn bucket" trick...

Thanks... I've just pissed myself.

[mckerney]

Originally posted by JeeberD
First Chasing Amy, now Gigli. What's with Affleck and trying to make lesbians straight???

That's what I thought after reading this, another movie with Affleck picking up a lesbian? At least the first one had a good writer, and it didn't have J-lo dragging down Afflecks acting job.

[tucker342]

She may not be able to act, but damn she's hot

[EagleFan]

She can say that line to me any day. I could care less how she says it, just as long as she meant it. (looking over the shoulder to make sure the wife isn't around)

[Anrhydeddu]

Tuesday, July 29, 2003
By Roger Friedman

Review: Ben and J-Lo's 'Gigli': It's Turkey Time, Gobble, Gobble

It's not so easy to make a great howler of a bad movie. In recent years, Madonna 's made more than her share: "Shanghai Surprise," "Swept Away," "Who's That Girl," among them.

In 2001, Mariah Carey starred in "Glitter," which has only aged badly since its laughable premiere. And then there's "Showgirls," "Striptease," "The Postman," "Waterworld," "Ishtar," and the perceived king of kings, "Heaven's Gate."

Now add to the very top of the list, "Gigli" — directed by Martin Brest, who actually has another title on the list already: "Meet Joe Black."

Witless, coarse, and vulgar, "Gigli" is worse than its advance buzz could have indicated. Starring real-life tabloid lovers Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, the film — if you can call it that — is a total, mindless disaster. Sitting in a screening last night with reviewers and feature writers, I could only think of one word: stupefying.

As many who were there muttered on the way out: "What were they thinking?"

First, the acting: Lopez and Affleck may have chemistry at home, but they have none here. Affleck comes off the worst. As hitman Larry Gigli, Affleck seems to be doing a bad imitation of James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano.

A thuggish Brooklyn-esque accent comes and goes, and Affleck never figures out whether he's a good guy or a bad guy. While these gears are turning in his head, you can't help notice that he's a hitman wearing a luxurious Gucci leather jacket and gorgeous silk tops. He also appears to be wearing Ted Danson's toupee from "Cheers."

J-Lo does a little better, but not much as a lesbian hitwoman who is nonetheless smitten with Affleck. She makes her first appearance wearing a midriff-revealing halter-top to show off her abs and rear end, and it just keeps getting better.

At one point Lopez is featured in a yoga position called "the crow," which is photographed as if she were a kangaroo hoisted on its hind legs and ready for mating. As I once heard Anna Wintour say of Clint Eastwood with matted hair in a rainstorm scene, "It's not a good look for you."

Like Ben, who actually says the word "heart-throb-a-rama," J-Lo is saddled with ridiculous, offensive, unfortunate dialogue, much of which can't be quoted in proper publications.

Herewith some of her declarations: "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble." "A penis is like a sea slug or a long toe." "I thought you wanted to be my bitch."

There's a fourth line, but it can't be repeated here, concerning her offer to perform a sex act on Affleck for 12 hours. Another character, doing an unintentional Joe Pesci imitation from "Goodfellas," later describes Lopez's lesbian with a term that should have women's groups on both sides demanding a recall vote on the screenwriter.

Trust me, the dialogue in "Gigli" is so awful that the groans just come faster and faster. It is also unnecessarily vulgar. I counted the "f-word" no fewer than 15 times in the first 10 minutes and then lost track.

Lopez also makes a long speech to Affleck in which she draws analogies between her female anatomy and one's mouth, ending in a particular vulgarity that sent at least two New York Times writers right out of the theatre.

There are other actors in the film. Sadly, newcomer Justin Bartha , who plays a "Rain Man"-like autistic character stolen directly from that movie — but without the manual — makes a very bad first impression.

Will he turn out to be a "thumbless, bleeding halfwit," as Lopez's character posits? It's hard to say since Bartha, not getting any direction from Brest, slips from autism to Tourette's Syndrome to ADD to simply being annoying.

But the "Rain Man" lifts are painful to watch. Instead of being obsessed with "Wapner," for example, this character only wants to see "Baywatch." Again, what could Brest, who wrote and directed this junk, have been thinking?

Al Pacino, whom Brest directed to an Oscar in the very bad "Scent of a Woman" 11 years ago, appears in one interminable scene as a New York crime boss. This one bloated moment may completely unravel Pacino's esteemed career from "The Godfather" to "Insomnia."

His expressionless, frozen face — though included in the film's trailer as a big deal — appears about three-fourths of the way through the film. It's not clear even if Affleck and Lopez, who Brest cuts to occasionally for stupefied reactions, were even on the set when Pacino delivers his numbing monologue. The fact that it ends in his character committing a sudden act of bloody violence doesn't help.

The only performance worth seeing in "Gigli" (which rhymes, Affleck says often, with "really") is another cameo, this one by Christopher Walken as a police detective. When Walken steps into the film, "Gigli" suddenly becomes full of color and oxygen — two things that Lopez and Affleck lack.

Unfortunately, Walken's scene is meant to explain the plot. But it's pretty clear that the actor has no idea what he's saying; he just says it so wonderfully that it doesn't matter. Watch the pause he takes at the end of the scene. It's a brilliant comment on the nonsense set before him.

Copyright 2003 FOX News Network, LLC. All rights reserved.

[dawgfan]

Lopez was actually not bad in Out of Sight which is just further proof I guess of Steven Soderbergh's ability.

[JeeberD]

Now add to the very top of the list, "Gigli" — directed by Martin Brest, who actually has another title on the list already: "Meet Joe Black."

I actually thought that Meet Joe Black was OK. Not the greatest movie in the world, but not bad for a chick flick. And the chick in it was freakin' hot...

[ctmason]

Why did the reviewer think "Scent of a Woman" was bad? I kind of liked that one.

I think, as far as I can remember, I've never seen a Jennifer Lopez movie....no wait. I watched about fifteen minutes of the "Serena Story" or whatever its called. I like Edward James Olmos. Sorry.