Relationship/Friendship problem

[GoldenEagle]

Ok, guys I need advice on something because I am totally stumped on this one.

I am in my second year of college at a very small liberal art school (about 800 students). I currently am living with my third roommate in three semesters, however, this is the one
I like the best. We get along great. We met last year and became best friends and this year decided to room together. I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months. She is like no other girl I have ever met. She is really cool and we get along great. Sounds good right?

Well, here is where the problem lies. My roommate (and best friend) and girlfriend hate each others guts. They both compete for what they both want, and that is time with me. It is getting to a point where I can stand because all they do is bitch at each other an I am afraid it is going to tear all three of us apart. They both have selfish personalities and get very mad if I choose one over the other. I tried the solution of spending time with both of them at the same time but it gets really annoying really fast.

To further complicate issues, I like to spend time with two freshman girls who I enjoy time with. They are like my escape from it all. This makes both of them mad. My girlfriend has a trust issue even thought I have no romantic feelings for whatsoever. Then today, in bowling class this real cute girl smiled at me and I smiled back and found myself going out of my way to talk to her like I was single. It is not that I am interested in her and just seemed like such an innocent escape (and no I would never cheat on my girlfriend).

I just do not know what to do.

[Bee]

2nd year in college?

Nail everything that's not already nailed down.

[GoldenEagle]

Originally posted by Bee
2nd year in college?

Nail everything that's not already nailed down.

I am not sure I follow you.

[ice4277]

I say have one big group session with all of them. Then sort it out after that.

[Swaggs]

Go rent Chasing Amy.

[Ksyrup]

My immediate reaction to the girlfriend/best friend situation was Chasing Amy. I'm picturing your friend coming out to you.

My only suggestion, if they can't deal with each other, is to do things with each of them separately. That will require you to spend less time with your girlfriend, though, since you live with your friend, but I don't see what your options are, if you still want to remain in a relationship with your girlfriend.

I think the "nailing" suggestion was Bee's advice to forget relationships and concentrate on the sex.

[Ksyrup]

Ha! Same wavelength on the Chasing Amy reference.

[cuervo72]

I follow him (though I wouldn't want to follow him ).

Now, I've never been in such a situation, but it seems to me that after a while a girlfriend should BE your best female friend. Does your roommate have any other intentions besides just being a friend/roommate? I don't even know what to think about the freshman girls (besides Bee's advice).

Don't you have any male friends to hang out with? You might avoid such problems.

[ice4277]

Originally posted by cuervo72
I follow him (though I wouldn't want to follow him ).

Now, I've never been in such a situation, but it seems to me that after a while a girlfriend should BE your best female friend. Does your roommate have any other intentions besides just being a friend/roommate? I don't even know what to think about the freshman girls (besides Bee's advice).

Don't you have any male friends to hang out with? You might avoid such problems.

I got the feeling his roomate was a male friend.

[GoldenEagle]

Yea, I hang out with alot of males but these are the two main people I will spend my day with. My girlfriend is my best female friend. My roommate is male (did I type something wrong?).

My roommate hates being lonely. When I am spending time alone with my girlfriend and he hates it because his alone. The good thing is he may be getting a girlfriend so it may change things.

[Bee]

Set the roomie up with one of the freshman girls.

Edit: Or both of them if he's a really good roommate.

[WSUCougar]

For my two bits, I'd have a talk with both of them, either together or separately. If you haven't done so already, I'd make it clear to them how important they both are in your life. Then I'd make it clear how important the OTHER one is in your life. The bottom line is that if they are your girlfriend and best friend, they need to find a way to at least tolerate one another.

If they cannot do so, then I'd suggest to you that perhaps they are not as great as you might think they are.

As for the other women, you mentioned the word "escape." That should be a warning bell going off for you. If you need an escape, I think you should reassess your relationship. There's nothing wrong with testing the waters, and college is a great (if not the best) place to do that.

Don't paint yourself into a corner. Life life to the fullest. Have no regrets. Good luck.

[GoldenEagle]

Bee - After the way he treated his last girlfriend I would not hook up with anonye I respect.

WSUCougar - Maybe escape was the wrong word. But they no nothing of my problems so its nice to go over there and escape from the problems, not from my girl friend or my best friend.

Seperately they are probably the two coolest people you will ever meet, unless they dont like the fact I am spending time with the other.

[cuervo72]

Oh yeah, whoops. The following had me confused, I guess:

They both compete for what they both want, and that is time with me. It is getting to a point where I can stand because all they do is bitch at each other an I am afraid it is going to tear all three of us apart. They both have selfish personalities and get very mad if I choose one over the other. I tried the solution of spending time with both of them at the same time but it gets really annoying really fast.

Just picturing the roomate saying "But GoldenEagle...I just want to spend more time with you...". Anyway, sorry about that.

Um, but Bee might be onto something. If you are doing something with your roommate AND your GF, have the two of them there to diffuse the situation and/or placate your roomie.

[Chief Rum]

Do it like the Simpsons. Lock them in an offcie and keep them their until they agree to end the strike.

Of course, they might actually like each other, and then you'll be bummed.

CR

[Fritz]

Life does not need to be so complicated.

[Samdari]

Originally posted by Bee
Set the roomie up with one of the freshman girls.

Edit: Or both of them if he's a really good roommate.

This is quite possibly the worst advice ever given on this board.

If you know two freshman girls who can be talked into such an arrangement, under no circumstances should you talk them into doing it with someone else.

[Bee]

Originally posted by Samdari
If you know two freshman girls who can be talked into such an arrangement, under no circumstances should you talk them into doing it with someone else.

I agree, but he didn't seem to want to take my first suggestion.

[Franklinnoble]

Originally posted by Samdari
This is quite possibly the worst advice ever given on this board.

If you know two freshman girls who can be talked into such an arrangement, under no circumstances should you talk them into doing it with someone else.

Agreed.

Also, I must echo the earlier sentiments of our wise Professor Bee... as a sophomore in college, you should be worried only about bagging as many fine hotties as possible, before you end up gainfully employed, married, responsible, with kids, and wondering about all the young hotties you refrained from bagging in college.

[Fritz]

I am appaled at the 'hottie' bias being flaunted by some of our narrow minded members.

A good rule of thumb (for casual stuff) is the further away from the vagina a body part is, the less important.

[McSweeny]

did you say bowling class?

[ice4277]

Originally posted by McSweeny
did you say bowling class?

Man, those are great, I had two my final semester in college; they were one-credit classes but nonetheless...

[WSUCougar]

Originally posted by GoldenEagle
They both have selfish personalities

Originally posted by GoldenEagle
Seperately they are probably the two coolest people you will ever meet

Not trying to press to hard on this, but are you sure they are as "cool" as you seem to think they are? Perhaps you want them to be that way, but selfishness is not an endearing quality. True friends want what makes you happy, not just what makes them happy. I think if you challenge them with your situation, true colors might show more clearly.

[CamEdwards]

Originally posted by McSweeny
did you say bowling class?

I knew I could count on McSweeny to pick up on the Bowling class reference. I thought I was going to have to give him shit for that.

BTW, McSweeny, I picked up my first Dropkick Murphys cd over the weekend. Good stuff.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by CamEdwards
BTW, McSweeny, I picked up my first Dropkick Murphys cd over the weekend. Good stuff.

which one?

[Chief Rum]

Definitely agree with Cougar here. From the very beginning of your story, I got a bad impression of the actual quality of person of these two. I'm not so sure this guy and girl are all that great, especially if the guy treats girls like shit as well (hey, i know it happoens alot, but you know what, you shouldn't give any credit to a guy like that--good move not setting him up with the freshmen).

You're a sophomore with a lot of college left. You definitely don't need this crap. I would give them an ultimatum and tell them to wise up, or get the frick out. I know that will be a lot harder for you, though.

CR

[Fritz]

amazingly, people can have flaws and still be good friends.

[WSUCougar]

Originally posted by Fritz
amazingly, demons can have claws and still be good fiends.

Word.

[Chief Rum]

Originally posted by Fritz
amazingly, people can have flaws and still be good friends.

Of course, Fritz, but these two are tearing this guy a part. These aren't just flaws that you can ignore--they are directly impinging upon GoldenEagle's daily happiness, and amping his stress levels.

Personally, if this friend and girlfriend were doing the bitch-bitch-bitch thing all the time to me, I couldn't stand it. You have to draw the line.

CR

[sabotai]

Me, personally, I would not call 'selfishness' a flaw. It goes beyond flaw. It's one of the main reasons I'm no longer with my ex.

And, to me, mistreating women is not just a flaw either. I would never be friends with someone how treated a woman badly.

I'll repeat what others have said. Maybe these two aren't a "cool" as you think they are. They may be at time really cool, in certain ways. But they seemingly fall short in the "Overall Cool" attribute. (To put it into text sim terms that we can all follow. )

[vtbub]

I'd say who do you have a longer history with to start.

Second, chances are that in the long term, you will be friends much longer with him then in heat with her.

If you are seeking any other female friendship to release stress then I'd say the Girlfriend thing is just about over. She seems rather needy and unless you see yourself with her in five years, then she's not worth the hassle at your age.

[Vince]

Originally posted by Fritz
amazingly, people can have flaws and still be good friends.

Good point, Fritz. GE, you definitely need to have a talk with them. Not necessarily an 'ultimatim' type of talk, but you need to tell them you are frustrated with them. You shouldn't have to put up with stuff like that. I also agree with some of the other sentiments on the board...though I don't think you necessarily need to nail everything that isn't nailed down (though that probably wouldn't be a bad thing ), it's a bunch more fun to have your options open in College. The first two years of my college career, I was in a strong relationship. It was great, but the next two years were even better.

PS - I love your sig's reference Fritz.

[Eaglesfan27]

I agree that you can be friends with people who have flaws, but when these flaws (the selfishness, etc.) is so severe you look for "escapes" then you know something is wrong. I think you really need to talk to these people, let them know how frustrated you are with their behavior and see if they change. But if they aren't motivated to change, it is not going to happen and you are going to become more miserable. Why be miserable? Make a change if they won't.

[Craptacular]

I can sort of relate to the situation your roommate is in. In grad school, I shared an apartment with a good friend for three years, after living in separate apartments in the same building for a year. We met in the dorms as freshman, and kept in touch throughout my undergrad years before living together. After we were living together, he started dating a younger girl (still a sophomore in college). We (meaning his gf and I) didn't get along that well, although I wouldn't say we hated each other. We both wanted the same thing (time with him). Most of my other real good friends had moved away after college, so he was one of the few people I had to hang around with. I think his gf and I were both kind of sick of each other, but we kept working on it.

To make a long story short(er), they are now married. He is still one of my best friends. She is now one of my best friends, and I love her dearly. I met my wife through a friend of hers. I was a groomsman for their wedding, and they were both a big part of mine (he was a groomsman). My life would not be nearly as good if I gave up on our friendship when he got serious with this girl. Yeah, it sucked when it felt like she was "stealing" his time, but if you're a true friend, you'll make that sacrifice and try your best to help him. You never know when you'll help yourself in the process.