Americans For Purity: Winning The War On Masturbation

[JeeberD]

hxxp://www.geocities.com/afpurity/


Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality.

Myth:Masturbation is harmless.
Reality:Medical science proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.

Myth:Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality:Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Myth:Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality:Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

Myth:Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed.
Reality:Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law.

Myth:But everyone's doing it!
Reality:Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate.
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SURGERY

Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. When it is mandated in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile, modern operating room with anesthesia.) A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of Masturbation and other lascivious behavior, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation! One of the main goals of Americans For Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make it mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for Females! Many have suggested Castration or Clitoridectomy for adult Males or Females that are repeat Masturbatory offenders.
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Wow, it continues to amaze me the idiotic things that you can find on the internet...

[WSUCougar]

Quick, where's my broker's number...

"All those shares of Kleenex stock? SELL, DAMMIT, SELL!!!"

[GrantDawg]

Satire...

[Passacaglia]

Damnit, I've been nearsighted since I was 9. Now everyone is going to think I'm a chronic masturbator!

[cwilloughby]

Perhaps they should just cut to the chase and start cutting peoples hands off for doing it. They could call it a cutyourhandsofftospiteyourgoddectomy. This would end all problems including (but not limitted to): Masterbation, Driving, Eating (easily anyway), Driving, and Gun Violence.

I'd sign any kids I have up in a heartbeat.

[WSUCougar]

Hey, I need a ruling...could someone define "chronic" in this context?

[GoSeahawks]

I think the myth and reality need to be switched around for all those statements.

[Sharpieman]

Lol only 5% of Americans DON'T masturbate?

[bbor]

Originally Posted by Sharpieman

Lol only 5% of Americans DON'T masturbate?

4.9% of those 5% are chronic liars.

[Bearcat729]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

Myth:Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality:Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.

Thanks to Monty Python


DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,
Because
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.

WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...

CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.

BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.

NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...

CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.

FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.

MOURNER #1:
Mine!

MOURNER #2:
And mine!

CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.

HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

[korme]

i wack it way too much to listen to all of this tomfoolery

[Ragone]

I had a thought on this subject.. but i forgot what it was.. and i can't seem to see the far reaching aspects of it.. i'm kinda tired now so i think i'm gonna go lay down and maybe get over these blahs i've been having lately

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

i wack it way too much to listen to all of this tomfoolery

You'd put your hands over your ears to block it all out, but, well,...

[SirFozzie]

Gee.. does it surprise anyone that this thread is taking off?

[bbor]

Originally Posted by Shorty3281

i wack it way too much to listen to all of this tomfoolery

I prefer the term 'Snapping one off'

[Samdari]

Originally Posted by SirFozzie

Gee.. does it surprise anyone that this thread is jerking off?

Where is Fritz?

[sabotai]

In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.

They also started out as air-breathers....oh no! Breathing air leads to being a rapists and child molestor!! I need to go grow some fucking gills before I become addicted to pronography....oh shit, too late.

[duckman]

Here is an article that might be handy for the worry warts :

hxxp://www.vanderbilthustler.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2003/10/08/3f84235349404

[wig]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Hey, I need a ruling...could someone define "chronic" in this context?

If you need to ask......

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by sabotai

They also started out as air-breathers....oh no! Breathing air leads to being a rapists and child molestor!! I need to go grow some fucking gills before I become addicted to pronography....oh shit, too late.

You air-breathing, child-molesting, amphibian rapist BASTARD! :o

[Airhog]

Fritz and trout, it just goes together!