Funny onion article

[stevew]

Who do you think you are—former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

Originally Posted by http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4033

Who do you think you are—former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

By Ryan Fleishmann

Okay, Gerald, I've heard about as much out of you as I can take. All I get from you lately is eye-rolling and swaggering, like you're too good for the mere mortals of Mercury Insurance.You act like you're doing us a favor just showing up. Who do you think you are—former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling?

Judging by your attitude alone, I'd say you were a 6'3", 250-pound linebacker out of Georgia Tech. Seriously, if I didn't know better, I'd think the Saints took you in the third round of the 1986 draft because they knew you'd improve their pass rush on the outside and complement little big man Sam Mills. Not so fast, touchdown. I do know better.

You sashay around the place like you're third on the New Orleans all-time sack list with 78. If someone says something you disagree with, you act for all the world like you averaged 11.5 sacks a year from 1987 to 1993. "What, me? I'm just Pat Swilling, 1989 NFL Defensive Player of the Year. I once held Georgia Tech's record for career sacks with 23." That's you.

Listen to me, Gerald. I'm not the only one who's had it with your Pat Swilling bullshit. People are talking—you know how many people want to work with someone who acts like he's a record-holder for career sacks? Zero.

Do you think posting above-average sales numbers for two months means you are a versatile, savvy defensive player with excellent lateral motion? It's a rhetorical question, Swilling—you don't need to answer it. I feel like I'm talking to someone whose football instincts let him perform effectively as both a linebacker and a defensive end, here. Jesus. You are not former New Orleans Saints linebacker Pat Swilling, and it's high time you stopped leaning back in your chair and twirling your pen around during the Friday wrap-up meeting.

You're valuable here at Mercury, but not so valuable that, say, we couldn't trade you to the Detroit Lions in 1993 for first- and fourth-round picks. You can treat your friends like you went to five straight Pro Bowls, but the second you come in here, to my department, to my office, you'd better wipe that "an impressive five Pro Bowls in a row" look off your face. Do you understand me? I won't take this linebacker attitude any longer. Is that clear?

Because right now, I don't see a guy who understands. I don't see a guy who says, "I want to get along." I see a guy who says, "I'm one of three New Orleans players who achieved four sacks in one game." This is you: "Even toward the end of my career, I still had six sacks in a 20-tackle season!"

I'm not getting through to you at all, am I? This is all going in one ear and out the other. Even now, you're treating this whole thing like you're going to retire from football after the 1998 season, run for the Louisiana House of Representatives as a popular Democrat, and win the seat by a wide margin.

Fine. Be that way, Mr. 14th on the all-time quarterback sack list. Just don't do it in my office. Get out, and don't come back until you can act a little more like former Buffalo Bills defensive end Bryce Paup.

[stevew]

Someone should rewrite this and substitute "Dean Houston" for Swilling.

[Swaggs]

That is awesome.

[JeeberD]

Hilarious!

[Franklinnoble]

Originally Posted by stevew

Someone should rewrite this and substitute "Dean Houston" for Swilling.

You should have just gone ahead and done that, Fritz-style...

[judicial clerk]

I really think Paup was considered an outside linebacker more than a defensive end

[Celeval]

Beautiful/

[Schmidty]

I hate you Pat Swilling. We could have drafted Willie Roaf, but instead we traded for your stupid, overrated, under-achieving ass. You took my uncle Joe's number, even though he's in the Hall of Fame, and you disgraced it.

[Schmidty]

(By the way, Joe really isn't my great-uncle. My grandpa always told me that he was while I was growing up, but then I found out that grandpa was lying to me.)

[Fritz]

Steve - I think the onion shoots for funny with most of their articles. I mean, thats where they're about.

[Tigercat]

Ricky Jackson(who should be in the hall of fame) was the better Saints LB of the time anyway. So obviously hes only got a second tier cockyness about him.

[sterlingice]

Hm... I normally like the Onion but I just didn't find that all that funny.

SI

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by Fritz

Steve - I think the onion shoots for funny with most of their articles. I mean, thats where they're about.

Actually, they used to, but now they're apparently more focused on "politically insightful".

[Pumpy Tudors]

Originally Posted by Tigercat

Ricky Jackson(who should be in the hall of fame) was the better Saints LB of the time anyway. So obviously hes only got a second tier cockyness about him.

Out of the whole "Dome Patrol" back in the early '90s, Swilling was the weakest link. He was worthless against running plays because his entire game was rushthepasserrushthepasserrushthepasser. Hell, Vaughan Johnson was a better linebacker. Rickey Jackson should be in the Hall of Fame, though, yes.

Anyway, it's good to see that The Onion still knows how to do funny.