Oaths of Enlistment (humor)

[WSUCougar]

Be sure to read the whole thing, in order...

All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon reenlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked changes and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their specific function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief’s of Staff:

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn’t hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise. I promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of the “Basic Training”, I will be a lean, mean donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!

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US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me because I can’t swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I had a perfect score on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual…..er…. I mean “Basic Training,” I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs. because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 hrs. to report back to “COMPANY”. I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!

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US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too “corporate”, because I didn’t want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, “Hey, I like to swim…why not?” I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like, “deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head”, when I really mean “floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet”. I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound “colleagues”. So Help Me Neptune!

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US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear…uhhhh….high-and-tight….. grunt… ugh….
Air Force women….HOORAH!! So Help Me CORPS

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[sachmo71]

Originally Posted by respectable young man

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Heh.

[duckman]

Originally Posted by Air Force Oath

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.

That is so true.

[sovereignstar]

Good stuff.

[Calis]

Hey, we did finally ditch the bike ride test.

Stupid frigging test.

Good stuff though.

[Dutch]

hehe, I used to have a notebook that had those printed on the front and back. Still have it around here somewhere. Funny stuff! There were some Navy folks running around in Turkey with me and those people have some fucked up vocabulary.

"I went to the head on the 2nd deck of my apartment."

What they meant to say was, "I used the upstairs bathroom." It's weird listening to 'em.

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by Calis

Hey, we did finally ditch the bike ride test.

Stupid frigging test.

Good stuff though.

Woo hoo! Now I(PTL) get to watch people throwing up all over the place cause they have to run a whole mile and a half!

[miami_fan]

And thenI get to hear them bitch and complain that I must have measured their 44 inch waist incorrectly which is why they failed the test!

okay I am finished venting now

But this is always funny every time I read it

[miami_fan]

Originally Posted by Dutch

What's worse? The Air Force or winter in South Dakota? You make the call.

When I stop deploying long enough to spend a winter in South Dakota, I'll let ya know

[Poli]

Where's the "because the other branches didn't want me..." part?

[Dutch]

What's worse? The Air Force or winter in South Dakota? You make the call.

[Poli]

Originally Posted by Dutch

hehe, I used to have a notebook that had those printed on the front and back. Still have it around here somewhere. Funny stuff! There were some Navy folks running around in Turkey with me and those people have some fucked up vocabulary.

"I went to the head on the 2nd deck of my apartment."

What they meant to say was, "I used the upstairs bathroom." It's weird listening to 'em.

Ahem, die.


That is all.

[Dutch]

Originally Posted by ardent enthusiast

Ahem, die.


That is all.

Funny, that's what they said.

[Dutch]

Originally Posted by miami_fan

When I stop deploying long enough to spend a winter in South Dakota, I'll let ya know

[duckman]

Originally Posted by miami_fan

When I stop deploying long enough to spend a winter in South Dakota, I'll let ya know

I don't miss that part one bit.

[tategter]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.

I once knew a chief whose wife liked to play practical jokes and got him real good one time. She stenciled in big black letters "Home of the Super Cock" on the front of the boxers he was going to wear the next day. Well, this guy aparently likes to get dressed in the dark a had a dress white inspection. If anyone has seen Navy dress whites you know that they are almost see-through. So there he was, at attention and ready for inspection, with the words "Home of the Super Cock" written clear as day across his abdomen. The inspecting Admiral was not amused...