Amusing Cubs Article on the Trib

[Coffee Warlord]

We want you to be prepared for anything this season, but especially for any subterfuge from the Cubs as it regards injuries and maladies. So in the name of public service, here's a handy medical guide for 2005, with the proper diagnosis of injuries compared with what certainly will be the Cubs' side of the story:

The Real diagnosis vs. the Cubs diagnosis

Real: Grade III concussion Cubs: Bad hair day
Real: Severe hemorrhaging Cubs: Just a flesh wound
Real: Inoperable cancer Cubs: Gingivitis
Real: Clinical depression Cubs: Tear-duct irritation
Real: Ruptured stomach Cubs: Slight "plumbing issue"
Real: E coli Cubs: E-4
Real: Tendinitis Cubs: Postnasal drip
Real: Torn hamstring Cubs: Butt cramp
Real: Paralysis Cubs: Happiness over being a Cub
Real: Farm-implement accident and corresponding nickname of "Lefty" Cubs: Carpal tunnel syndrome
Real: Leprosy Cubs: Blotching associated with common household mold and mildew
Real: Pinocchio's nose Cubs: Growth spurt
Real: Club foot Cubs: Athlete's foot
Real: Broken leg Cubs: Food poisoning brought on by "something he ate"
Real: Hunchback Cubs: "What hump?''
Real: Blood clot Cubs: Acid reflux
Real: Irritable bowel syndrome Cubs: Dutch elm disease
Real: Torn rotator cuff Cubs: Asian flu
Real: Steroid-induced liver damage Cubs: McCarthyism
Real: Vertigo Cubs: Sunburn
Real: Heart arrhythmia Cubs: Engine knock
Real: Torn anterior cruciate ligament Cubs: "Nothing major that we could see"
Real: Gangrene that requires amputation Cubs: Shin splints
Real: Herniated disc (lower back) Cubs: Jammed finger (non-pitching hand)
Real: Chills and fever Cubs: Early frost
Real: Bubonic plague Cubs: Liver spots
Real: Fractured ankle Cubs: Leg that has "fallen asleep"
Real: Hepatitis Cubs: Wax buildup in ear
Real: Separated shoulder Cubs: Acne
Real: Stroke profoundly affecting speech Cubs: "He simply doesn't like talking with the media."
Real: Bullet wound from cleaning assault-weapon Cubs: Sliver from whittling religious figurines
Real: Infected needle marks Cubs: Bee stings
Real: Collapsed lung Cubs: Head cold
Real: Renegotiate-my-contractitis Cubs: Urinary tract infection
Real: Severe chest pains Cubs: Just broke up with one of his best girls
Real: Obesity Cubs: Slight swelling
Real: Roger Clemens-induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Cubs: Contact lens difficulties
Real: Broken wrist Cubs: "There are no broken wrists; there are only solutions."
Real: Malaria Cubs: Insomnia
Real: Mental instability Cubs: "He dresses like Michael Jackson because he respects the man's work, OK?"
Real: Rheumatoid arthritis Cubs: Writer's cramp brought on by excessive autograph signing
Real: Delirium tremens Cubs: Pine-tar poisoning
Real: Groin pull Cubs: Hay fever
Real: Anger-management issues Cubs: Computer virus

[MikeVic]

What about death? "Suspended indefinitely?"

[hhiipp]

Doesn't the Tribune own the Cubs?

[SackAttack]

They do. That's what makes it funny, IMO.