Just another spider story

[WSUCougar]

So my wife and I are enjoying our morning coffee in the living room early this morning, when she looks over with her LASIK-enhanced bionic vision and says, "That looks like a pretty big spider in the dining room."

I turn, squinting into the distance (maybe 25 feet), and see the large black form creeping slowly across the background of the baseboard. From my vantage point, it looks roughly like the silhouette of an Iowa-class battleship moving across the horizon. Yeah, this is a sizable arachnid.

Hearing the echoes of my marriage vows and the whispered taunts of countless more macho men before me, I don't hesitate to defend the home castle from the invader. I stand and reach for a magazine to roll up. "I'm going to go all Consumer Reports on your eight-legged ass," I think, trying to bolster my confidence with bravado. I stride forth to do battle.

When I reach the dining room I finally see what I'm actually up against. With legs, this dude's literally around 3" in diameter. But he's not that chunky...more leggy. Still, he's got good position. He's moved up onto the wall just a little, such that a swing with the magazine needs to be more accurate so as not to hit the floor. He's also almost behind the dinner table; I'll have to go backhand from the front, and I'll have no room for a wind-up if I try to go back door. He's facing slightly on an angle toward me. I can almost hear him talking smack.

Undaunted, I shift my feet into a decent backhanded stance, but the spider does that "spider thing" where he tenses up and his legs buckle in a bit, like he's ready to pounce. Okay, now I'm daunted. Due to the java interruptus arachnidia, I'm not fully awake yet, so I'm not at 100%, and God knows I don't want that leggy bastard hopping on me. I back off, and withdraw to talk strategy.

"He's in a tough position to get," I say to my wife, who buys it. "I need to wait for a better shot." I sit and drink some coffee, knowing that she won't take her eyes off that puppy.

Sure enough, a couple minutes later she says urgently, "It's moving!"

I charge. I round the end of the table, Consumer Reports in hand...this is going to be even tougher now, because I'm between the table and the wall, and the target is moving. Gads, it looks even bigger on the move!

As I hone in, it starts to move faster..perhaps it felt me coming? He's on the floor but right up against the wall...tough shot...but it's now or never, he's almost to the curio cabinet and if he gets there it's game over and my wife will be dialing the Motel 6 before I have another sip of coffee. Fire fire fire!

"Fox two!"

I launch the magazine at the beast with all the mustard I can put on it. It lands just how I wanted it to, slamming lengthwise into the angle of the wall and floor, right on top of the spider. For good measure, I stomp on it three times, and then press it hard into the angle as the coup de grace.

I wait. There's no movement. Silence reigns o'er the battlefield.

I carefully remove what's left of the magazine. Crumpled into a dark mass of legs and torso, the creature lay still beneath it...dead. Farewell, mighty warrior. May you catch giant flies in the big web on the other side.

I returned triumphantly to the couch, and drank my victory coffee, secure in my manhood and content that the fine print of my wedding vows had been fulfilled.

[Raiders Army]

If you let it bite you, you might've been endowed with the proportionate speed, strength, and agility of a spider.

[Warhammer]

I can see the headline for the Post-Dispatch:

St. Louis Man Heroically Defends House From 3" Arachnid!

[QuikSand]

Dynasty thread pls k thx

[Toddiec]

You, my friend, are a man among men. I am going to keep this story as inspiration for the next time one of those huge wolf spiders somehow gets past my poison perimeter and invades my clearly marked territory.

I bet that coffee never tasted so sweet.

[Samdari]

No "reward" ?

Sigh, yet another ungrateful damsel.

[sterlingice]

Is that supposed to be "mustard" or "muster"?

Great story. It's not "Just another spider story" as you claim, it's "Ye Olde Spider Epic!"

SI

[gstelmack]

Originally Posted by Warhammer

I can see the headline for the Post-Dispatch:

St. Louis Man Heroically Defends House From 3" Arachnid!

Oh pulease, the press is better than that:

St. Louis Man Heroically Defends House from 76000 micrometer Arachnid!

[Maple Leafs]

If that happened in my house, I would move. Not move out of the room, I mean I would sell my house and move to a new one. I can barely keep it together around the damn things in Ottawa, and I'm sure they're much bigger further south.

For some reason, we've had a ton of them this year. You can't walk ten feet outside my house without seeing some big, hairy one hanging from a web. These guys actually don't bother me too much, since they stay outside or in the garage -- they don't come in the house. But about a month ago I parked my car in the garage overnight. The next morning I got in the car, started up, began backing out of my driveway, and turned to look over my shoulder to check for oncoming traffic -- and saw a giant spider, inside the car. The little bastard had made a full web and everything, between the seat and the window. He was hanging there, sprawled out in full glory. I almost piddled.

Thank god for Raid. I don't know what I did before I discovered that stuff. I went inside to get my can, and thankfully he stayed where he was until I got back. I wailed on him until he was shiny and soaked, and he was still scurrying around the backseat until he finally gave it up.

So it goes without saying that I refuse to park my car in the garage any more. In fact, when we went on vacation a few weeks back I left the car outside for the week -- better for it to get stolen than for another one of those beasts to get inside. Well, the day we get back I head out to pick up a pizza. As I'm driving, a spider crawls across my windshield -- on the inside. Now, I manage to keep it together pretty well since he wasn't that big. But now I'm a little creeped out. That's two in the space of a few weeks.

As I'm walking back to my car with the pizza, I look at the passenger side. Oh man, there's another one! And another... and another... turns out there's at least a half dozen of them on the outside of my car. Add in the one inside, and god knows how many that I can't see... my damn car is infested. I ended up getting my wife to vaccuum out the car, and she still won't tell me how many more she found (she just says "you don't want to know").

Since then, I haven't seen another inside the car, but I have seen webs everywhere. One morning, the area above the backseat was covered in webs. I had to get an extra can of Raid for the car, just in case.

I'm the only person in all of Ottawa praying for the snow and ice to come early this year.

[sterlingice]

Boy, ML, that's brave- getting your wife to vacuum out your car for spiders

SI

[MizzouRah]

Raid is much quicker and kills from a much farther distance.

[JeeberD]

I once caught a tarantula in my house in El Paso in fifth grade. The sucker was walking down the wall when my mom spotted him. You can't exactly mash a tarantula, so I captured his ass in a coffee can and let him go in the desert, never to be heard from again.

[Glengoyne]

Maple Leafs, Its probably nothing. It just sounds like they've laid eggs in your car. Just be careful next time you open an air vent. No telling what might come flying out at you.

Oh and Cougar, nice tale.

[pennywisesb]

Originally Posted by Glengoyne

Maple Leafs, Its probably nothing. It just sounds like they've laid eggs in your car. Just be careful next time you open an air vent. No telling what might come flying out at you.

Oh and Cougar, nice tale.

I'm sure MapleLeafs will find this statement pretty reassuring

[KWhit]

Reminds me of the time I had to defend the castle from the 6" Lizard of Death.

[Maple Leafs]

Originally Posted by pennywisesb

I'm sure MapleLeafs will find this statement pretty reassuring

Yes, yes, very helpful.

I'm off to jam a knife through the gas pedal of my car and send it careening down the road and off a cliff.

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by KWhit

Reminds me of the time I had to defend the castle from the 6" Lizard of Death.

I have interesting wildlife at my house.. I've owned it for about a year, but it is a 75 year old house...

So.. I've had all range of huge spiders (biggest one I think was about 5" from top to bottom, I think I took a picture of him that I'll have to dig up... )(most outside and in the detached garage), infestation of lady bugs, multiple lizards/salamanders (not sure what they are, but I think they're salamanders) in my garage, a snake that almost attacked my 10 lbs. dogs, MANY frogs that the dogs like to lick which makes their mouths nice and foamy, deer, fox, and god knows what else that I haven't seen...

I think the snake inside the fence had to bother me the most, but I've become accustomed at this point to seeing giant spiders in the garage in the trees inside my fence, etc and saying "eh, they're not in the house"...

Kind of scary...

[Karlifornia]

This story was absolutely awesome!! I laughed, I cried, I held onto my junk in complete terror!

Very nice, WSU.

[QuikSand]

Originally Posted by wade moore

So.. I've had all range of huge spiders (biggest one I think was about 5" from top to bottom, I think I took a picture of him that I'll have to dig up... )

Dude... you had a spider that was five inches thick???

pix pls k thx

[NoMyths]

Originally Posted by QuikSand

Dude... you had a spider that was five inches thick???

pix pls k thx

Yes, but he's using "spider" as a euphemism.

[MizzouRah]

Get a cat. I have two of them and nothing gets by them... well, at least until a python comes along.

[Kodos]

I'm mostly okay dispatching spiders, since they terrify my wife. It's bees and wasps for me. They scare the bejeezus out of me. We had three get in our house last week. Hate to use Raid in the house (especially with a baby), so I've taken to using the long attachment on the vacuum to suck them up from a relatively safe distance. I figure they must get torn up once inside the vacuum, but just for an added measure, I stuff TP in the end of the vacuum after letting it suck for a couple minutes.

Yes, I am a total coward when it comes to stinging insects.

[Karlifornia]

I think there is an invention waiting to happen that involves the easy capture, and subsequently safe release, of spiders.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by MizzouRah

Get a cat. I have two of them and nothing gets by them... well, at least until a python comes along.

We have two of them as well, but they're too busy throwing up on the floor to catch spiders.

[rkmsuf]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

We have two of them as well, but they're too busy throwing up on the floor to catch spiders.

lol

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by QuikSand

Dude... you had a spider that was five inches thick???

pix pls k thx

Hrmm... I guess end-to-end would be the right term?

For anyone keeping up with my various posts here and IHOF... It's quite obviously a REALLY rough day at work for me today...

ugh...

[CamEdwards]

Originally Posted by RadioFriendlyUnitShifter

I think there is an invention waiting to happen that involves the easy capture, and subsequently safe release, of spiders.

you assume we don't want to kill spiders. that's a foolhardy assumption.

[KevinNU7]

Anyone who can't take down a Daddy Long Legs with just a paper towel is a pussy. Way to waste an entire magazine

[MizzouRah]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

We have two of them as well, but they're too busy throwing up on the floor to catch spiders.

Mine pukes because it eats too many spiders.

[Karlifornia]

Originally Posted by KevinNU7

Anyone who can't take down a Daddy Long Legs with just a paper towel is a pussy. Way to waste an entire magazine

Paper towel? Now who's the pussy? What about your mouth and a chaser of jack daniels?

[MizzouRah]

I like to throw a bunch of them in a steaming bowl of vegtable soup. If they are not in season, a handful of rollie pollies will do.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by KevinNU7

Anyone who can't take down a Daddy Long Legs with just a paper towel is a pussy. Way to waste an entire magazine

It was probably a wolf spider, and it sure as hell wasn't a Daddy Long Legs.

[KevinNU7]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

With legs, this dude's literally around 3" in diameter. But he's not that chunky...more leggy.

Sounds like a Daddy to me

[Swaggs]

A wolf spider, you say?

[Swaggs]

By the way, isn't it dangerous to spray Raid inside your car?

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by QuikSand

Dude... you had a spider that was five inches thick???

pix pls k thx

Didn't have time to break out a ruler to measure, but there have been two times when working at my dad's shop that I found pretty sizable spiders.

One was a giant brown spider. Just brown... just big. Kind of a round body. Nothing too distinguishing about it. Looked like the size of a tennis ball (from end ot end, not counting legs)

The other spider looked like an armored beast from hell. A long, narrow body. At the very least 4 inches from end to end. It was black with a little bit of blue in certain areas. It looked like it could bite your hand off (not literally...just giving an idea of how menacing this thing looked).

[SackAttack]

We don't have a cat, but my dog is an insect bully. See, he ignores mammals and birds, but anything with six legs is lunch.

He ate a black widow, once, just snatched it right off the wall where it was perched.

Not a total non sequitur, but about 4 years ago my brother captured a jumping spider that had gotten into the house, and he put it in a Mason jar. Mom comes downstairs, and he goes "Mom, guess what I found?" Now, that should have been her warning klaxon going off, because she hates bugs, but somehow she missed it. She says "I dunno, what?"

He shows her the jar, the spider jumps on queue, and she flips out and runs back upstairs. She knows better than to answer that question when he asks, now.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by KevinNU7

Sounds like a Daddy to me

Nope.

Yup, Swaggs, I think that's the beasty. He was darker, though. More like this:

[Toddiec]

Woah!! Wait a minute! Any spider pics need to be preceeded by some kind of warning or something. If my wife had wandered by and seen that pic she would not have been able to sleep for days. If she doesn't sleep...husband doesn't sleep. If husband doesn't sleep...must drink more coffee. Must drink more coffee....nerves get jittery, spiders freak me out even more. See the cycle??

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by Toddiec

Woah!! Wait a minute! Any spider pics need to be preceeded by some kind of warning or something. If my wife had wandered by and seen that pic she would not have been able to sleep for days. If she doesn't sleep...husband doesn't sleep. If husband doesn't sleep...must drink more coffee. Must drink more coffee....nerves get jittery, spiders freak me out even more. See the cycle??

Yeah, the only thing I find puzzling is that fact that the cirlce includes sleeplees nights but no mention of sex....just an observation.

[Toddiec]

I have no control over the cycle, I just know the cycle exists. Besides, I thought sex was a given and did not need mentioning.

[WSUCougar]

Originally Posted by Toddiec

Besides, I thought sex was a given and did not need mentioning.

You obviously haven't been married for very long...

[KWhit]

What the hell is that guy doing letting a spider crawl around IN HIS HAND like that!??!?!

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by Toddiec

I have no control over the cycle, I just know the cycle exists. Besides, I thought sex was a given and did not need mentioning.

Sex a given? In marriage!?

You obviously found a keeper Toddiec. Don't let her get away.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by MizzouRah

Get a cat. I have two of them and nothing gets by them... well, at least until a python comes along.

Very true. My cats have killed multiple spiders, unidentifiable bugs (at least by me), and even a small lizard that made it into the house.

[MizzouRah]

Originally Posted by Eaglesfan27

Very true. My cats have killed multiple spiders, unidentifiable bugs (at least by me), and even a small lizard that made it into the house.

My indoor cat takes care of the bugs, my outdoor cat kills everything else.

[WSUCougar]

Our black cat gorges himself on kibble, then horks it in convenient spots. Or then there's the standard issue hairball hork. Targets carpeted areas. Lovely.

Our calico chews up a dead cricket or some other tasty treat, then promptly horks it back up. Especially enjoys tile and basement concrete. Easier clean-up!

[MizzouRah]

Our indoor cat loves kit n kabootle, gorges herself and then hacks it up on the carpet - nice kitty.

[gstelmack]

We've had a cat go outside, catch a mouse, eat said mouse (all an assumption based on following events, not actually witnessed), come to back door, ask to be let in, walk in through open door, stop, puke up said mouse, and look up at us with a "see what I did for you?" smile on his mug.

[ibnsgirl]

Originally Posted by WSUCougar

Targets carpeted areas. Lovely.

So does ours...
Our cats aren't into eating bugs -- they just worry them to death. Perhaps a good thing, though, since we have the little devil beasts known as scorpions. They make a spider look tame!