Chuck Norris

[Noop]

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

11. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


15. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

16. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

17. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris -robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

18. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"

19. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.

20. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"

21. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

22. When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

23. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

24. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

25. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

[Karlifornia]

26.If you post stuff about Chuck Norris that's already been posted, Chuck Norris will roundhouse you.

[Noop]

Oh link me to the thread so I can delete this...

[Noop]

Here are some more Chuck Norris facts:

1. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

2. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

3. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

4. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

5. Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom,
"Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident
with one of the Olsen triplets.

6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

7. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate an Indian.

8. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

9. Chuck Norris once saw a “DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS” sign. He stared at the grass until it burst into flames then said, “Chuck Norris walks where
he wants.”

10. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.

11. If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will
appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck
Norris.

12. When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.

[Noop]

A few more facts:

1. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

2. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

3. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

4. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch

5. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

6. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

7. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

8. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

10. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

11. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

12. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

14. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

15. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

16. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

17. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

18. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

19. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Although I've seen some of these before, there are others that I haven't seen. I am 100% against the idea of Noop deleting threads anyway, so I hope this stays here.

[st.cronin]

Isn't

Originally Posted by Noop

19. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

contradicted by

Originally Posted by Noop

2. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

?

[DaddyTorgo]

woot. good quality fun! is there a website somewhere or something? cuz there are hilarious.

[gottimd]

I wonder if they have Mr. T things like this?

[SirFozzie]

Originally Posted by st.cronin

Isn't

contradicted by



?

The fact that I just removed your quote somehow is funny.

but he tea-bagged Hitler.. apparently he didn't want to potatosack him instead.

[SirFozzie]

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

woot. good quality fun! is there a website somewhere or something? cuz there are hilarious.

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

[Anthony]

Mr. T

[Neuqua]

Reading this with a mental image of Norris makes them 10x funnier.

[Grammaticus]

My personal favorite:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

[gottimd]

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.

A break in the space-time continuum occurred on July 9th, 1986. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a guy into Mr. T while he was pitying some fool. Mr. T and Chuck Norris had words (better known as jibba jabba). Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T at the exact moment Mr. T punched him in the chest. The result was an alternate universe where Mr. T roundhouse kicks people and Chuck Norris pities fools.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

[Noop]

LOL

[Maple Leafs]

"In the year 2000, fools will come to my house to ask me to stop pitying them. But I will not be home, and it will be raining outside. So I will continue to pity them."

[Qwikshot]

I have been laughing all day at the office to these...

[Toddzilla]

Wade Boggs once drank 24 beers on an cross country flight. Chuck Norris once drank 72 beers in an hour before a cross country flight, belched, and got the plane to its destination 4 hours early.

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by Neuqua

Reading this with a mental image of Norris makes them 10x funnier.

and even funnier when you come accross an infomercial of one of his exercising product and he's next to Christie Brinkley (or at least she looks like her)... Plenty of these facts come to mind immediately

FM

[GrantDawg]

Too good. I can't breathe.

[sterlingice]

http://www.4q.cc/vin/

I was pointed to this one about a year ago

SI

[dacman]

Mr. T is capable of spontaneously creating life. Once, while flexing, parts of each of his biceps broke off and created Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman.

LMAO

[I. J. Reilly]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

http://www.4q.cc/vin/

SI

Crop circles are Vin Diesel's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

I need a ruling on this one, I've been laughing for ten minutes now and I have no idea why. Is this actually funny?

[ISiddiqui]

LOL! This thread is the funniest I've read in quite a looong while.

[MrBug708]

Damn straight! This thread kicks ass!

[panerd]

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
.

I can't explain why but I laugh out loud every time I re-read these two.

[st.cronin]

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

[SirFozzie]

The Big Bang occured when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God.

[ISiddiqui]

My favorite is:

"Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf."

[hukarez]

Originally Posted by SirFozzie

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Definitely have to bookmark this bad boy.

[MrBug708]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

[st.cronin]

Originally Posted by MrBug708

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

But Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

[Logan]

One of my favorites:

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Mr. T isn't black. The sun is just afraid to shine on him.

[Mantle2600]

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Pumpy Tudors

I think this is now my favorite Pumpy pic, taking over for the Cereal Killer shirt.

SI

[Mantle2600]

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

[Rich1033]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Sorry if some are repeats.

[FrogMan]

Originally Posted by Rich1033

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

that one is my new favorite

FM

[Grammaticus]

Originally Posted by Mantle2600

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

Okay, this now my new favorite. I don't think anything will ever beat that one.

[timmae]

brilliant... we now need a pumpy pic with chuck norris..

[scasmflop]

These are hilarious... and bring back a lot of memories. In school we had a running Norris schtick that was very similar.

"Invasion USA isn't just a movie, its a documentary to the world that America is impregnable because of chuck."

[Lorena]

Great read when you're drunk!! OMG, I can't stop laughing!!

[cthomer5000]

happy new year, chuck!

[cartman]

Originally Posted by cthomer5000

happy new year, chuck!

you are just asking for a roundhouse kick to the head, taunting him like that. He knows no other kind of new year than a happy one.

[Noop]

Chuck Norris round house kicked to Miami Hurricane players.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Chuck Norris sacked David Carr. Wait a second. I think I've actually sacked David Carr at least twice.

[Lorena]

These are so freaking great! I'm gonna have to bookmark it. My favorite is:

"When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down."

[SirFozzie]

My favorite(s):

There were Four Wise Men in Bethlehem. The fourth was Chuck Norris, who gave Baby Jesus the gift of "Beard", which Jesus proudly wore all his remaining days. The other three wise men, jealous of the gift, conspired to get Chuck Norris written out of the bible. They died weeks later in unexplained roundhouse kick attacks.

And..

"Behind Chuck Norris's Beard is another fist"