Make your favorite rap song into "high-level" English

[cartman]

I got the inspiration for this from a link on TotalFark yesterday. My submission was the highest vote getter. Let's see what the F-O-F-C can come up with. Try to figure out the original song I translated:

It was once said by a man who could not quit
"Purveyor of illicit narcotics please can I have some more of your product?"
The purveyor of illicit narcotics said "I don't really care one way or another
If your female acquaintance kneels down and performs the act of fellatio."
During the sex act the gentleman attempted to cut off her air supply.
Afro-American earning an above average income by conducting business relationships with those interested in narcotics
That is the preferred method of conducting such transactions
The young black man does this by the selling of processed coca leaves
Gold around his neck, plated in 14 karats
Young loose women offering sexual favors at all hours of the day and night, due to his large income
Sometimes causes him to delay his transactions involving illicit drug sales
He drives a mid-1960s vehicle with non-factory wheels
His humble abode is in Compton, Cailfornia
If you fail to reimburse him for a transaction, he will place a submachine gun into delicate orifices
For those who ask for NET-90 terms, unwarranted dental work might be a byproduct
The terms are NET-15, proceeds collected on the 1st day and the 15th day of each month
In his pocket is an impressive money clip. The smallest denomination is a $20 bill.
However, if you would like to see a $50 bill, the purveyor of illicit narcotics has many of them as well.
To be a purveyor of illicit narcotics there are some stringent qualifications
Chief among them is to not partake of the narcotics for personal gratification.
Since the days of youth, financial gains are the main focus of studies
Some accoutriments of the trade are procured for a minimal amount.
However, some people out in the general public may not be aware
If you view a man receiving fiduciary gains from the distribution of cocaine mixed with baking soda,
That person is a purveyor of illicit narcotics.

[kmbgolf]

dopeman dopeman can i have another hit

[tanglewood]

Here's one, it's strangely fun doing these actually. It shouldn't be very difficult for anyone to guess who and what this one is.

I have sympathy for you if you are experiencing difficulties with your partner
I myself have many difficulties, however none of them involves a female

I am overlooking those who wish to aggresively censor rap music
These enemies wish to put me in a coffin
Critics say that I purvey distateful lyrical content
I was born in a dilapidated urban area, such expressions are reality
If these critics had been so poor in their youth that they could not afford footwear
They would be just as celebratory if they were ever to succeed economically
I openly disdain such critics, they can caress unpleasant areas of my body
If anyone dislikes my content they are free to not listen to the sections that offend them
Radio stations are unhappy with me if I do not perform live for them
But seeing as they do not playlist my music I do not care
Rap magazines feature me prominently
Because my appearence increases their advertising revenues, such people are cretins
I am not sure if you think I am easily exploitable
Perhaps you underestimate my intellect
I have risen to great wealth from very little, so it would be inappropriate to question my intelligence
As such, I have many difficulties, however none of them involves a female
Play the musical hook


The following situation took place in 1994 when I had recently purchased a brand new automobile
As I was driving, I noticed a police vehicle was behind me and flashing its lights
I had to decide between bringing my automobile to a stop
Or to push my foot down on the accelerator and attempt to rapidly vacate the area
This would result in the officer pursuing me, which is not desirable
And seeing as I currently am relatively wealthy I can hire a lawyer to defend any charges against me in court
Therefore I decide to direct my vehicle towards the side of the road and stop
The officer asked me if I could acertain why he stopped me
It is most likely because I am youthful, black skinned and wearing baseball headgear
But seeing as I am not a telepah I can not be sure
Are you placing me under arrest immediately or do you wish me to continue guessing your motives?
"You were travelling one mile per hour over the speed limit in this zone"
"Liscense and registration and step out of the car"
"Do you have a weapon upon your person? Many black people do"
I will not step out of my car, all of my documentation is legitimate
"Would you object to my searching of your vehicle?"
Both the compartments inside the car and the rear compartment are locked
Seeing as I know my statutory rights I realise you cannot search these areas without a warrant
"You certainly are very clever, are you a practitioner of the law?"
"Perhaps you are an important person?"
I do not have any legal qualifications, but I do have some knowledge of my rights
Certainly enough to prevent you from illegally searching my possesions
"You will not be so assuredly eloquent when the search dogs arrive"
This scenario helps illustrate that I have many difficulties, however none of them involves a female
Play the musical hook


Something that happened very recently
A black person much like myself had to confront a prostitute
I do not mean a prostitute in the sense of a woman who solicits sex
But an irrational individual who acted towards me aggressively
I attempted to take no heed of his actions and reflect inwardly with God
And I prayed for him, many individuals find satisfaction in creating such scenes
I am sure you can envision such a person, they are extremely braggadocios
But if confronted in actual combat would be very ineffectual
The only outcome would be me getting involved in a fight
The agitator and his fellows would be explaining them selves to the police captain
I would find myself caught up with the police once more
And have to go through the justice system alongisde many unpleasant and unimportant individuals once more
The aforementioned critics would have additional material to write about
Photojournalists would take several pictures of my predicament
The District Attorney would treat me unfairly
The bail would be unreasonably high due to my African-American ethnicity
This would have all come about because of a foolish individual needlessy harrasing me
Acting as if he is the victim and pretending he is an amiable sort
But there is nothing amiable about my having to carry a weapon
As such, I have many difficulties, however none of them involves a female
Play the musical hook

You like this song a great deal Rick
It is your creation

FADE OUT

[Izulde]

I can't get on to totalfark so the lyric switchup link is needed.

[cartman]

Originally Posted by Izulde

I can't get on to totalfark so the lyric switchup link is needed.

There isn't a site that does it, it has to be done manually.

[KevinNU7]

Never have I been so excited about a thread only to be disappointed by the content

[TheOhioStateUniversity]

jay-z 99 problems