Heartbreak

[MikeVic]

I have no idea where to turn right now. I don't talk about emotional things with my buddies, and neither with my parents or sister.

My girlfriend of just over a year has said she's unhappy with some traits of mine a few weeks ago, and after talking about it I said that I would change. Now, she admits that I have changed since then, but also said she has always worried if I get back into my traits... and can't look past that. It's always on her mind.

So, she has just said that she wants to end this since she's not in it anymore. She said she still loves me, but can't look past the traits. We both vried over the phone as we talked, which tells me she really does still love me.

I am not a very out-going person. I have friends, and enjoy social outgoings once in awhile... but this girl was my first and only love. I have always been thinking of the future with her, and now this happens.

I know a football message board isn't the best place to go for advice on this, but I have nowhere else to turn, and I had to express myself somehow, to someone.

Anyway, this really sucks. No idea what to do next, but I just don't want to do anything right now. No work, no sleep, can't eat... any words of wisdom from anyone out there?

[Lathum]

Mike, all I can say is I have been through it and it gets better after a while.
I know that's a cliche but it is true.

Go rent swingers, that may cheer you up.

[DaddyTorgo]

drink. drink and cry until you puke/pass out. then wake up and clear out your hangover and try to take pleasure in the small things in your life.

[PilotMan]

I think that the vast majority of us have lost our first love. So we have all been where you are right now. For me, it changed me completely. I became more jaded and unconcerning toward women. I took control over who I was and what I was about. For me it turned the corner on who I was and who I would become. That change lead me to develop into the man that attracted my current wife, and has been happily married for 6 1/2 years.

Right now it sucks, and you can't think about anything else. That is ok. Love hurts a lot sometimes. Just remember that there are millions of women out there who you could fall in love with and have relationships with. Despite this one girl holding your mind right now. She may come and she may go, but honestly the best thing is to have a clean break. Anything else just becomes to painful and will prevent you from moving on.

I say, sulk. Feel sorry for yourelf. Morn the loss of your love. Just don't let it consume you. Realize that there is much, much more pussy to be had than what she had to offer.

[MizzouRah]

It's tough, but you don't want to go on with her if she's not into it.

[Galaril]

Ok Mike,
What Lathum and Daddy said is great advice. It is a cliche and unfortunatley it is one of the tougher parts of life but hanging there it does get easier as time goes on. Really. I didn't believe it either, when this stuff happened to me but it will be worth it now.
Also, if you have a good buddy who drinks or a brother close by I would get ahold of them and go out for some drinks. It really want change anyhting but it will makeyou feel better and it will help you talk and get it out. But, don't drink and go see or call your girlfriend! Good luck .

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Mike, all I can say is I have been through it and it gets better after a while.
I know that's a cliche but it is true.

Go rent swingers, that may cheer you up.

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

drink. drink and cry until you puke/pass out. then wake up and clear out your hangover and try to take pleasure in the small things in your life.

Originally Posted by PilotMan

I think that the vast majority of us have lost our first love. So we have all been where you are right now. For me, it changed me completely. I became more jaded and unconcerning toward women. I took control over who I was and what I was about. For me it turned the corner on who I was and who I would become. That change lead me to develop into the man that attracted my current wife, and has been happily married for 6 1/2 years.

Right now it sucks, and you can't think about anything else. That is ok. Love hurts a lot sometimes. Just remember that there are millions of women out there who you could fall in love with and have relationships with. Despite this one girl holding your mind right now. She may come and she may go, but honestly the best thing is to have a clean break. Anything else just becomes to painful and will prevent you from moving on.

I say, sulk. Feel sorry for yourelf. Morn the loss of your love. Just don't let it consume you. Realize that there is much, much more pussy to be had than what she had to offer.

Wow. Pilotman. Sounds alot like my life. I was in college 1988 when I lost my first love. I went out joined the ROTC and went into the Air Force. I got sent after graduating College ove rto the Gulf War in 91 was there for 2 years and then 6 in Japan and Korea with the Air Force. After getting out of the military I spent another 5 years in South Korea where I met my wife who was a kindergarten teacher. We have now been a happily married for five years and have a beautiful 4year old daughter and ason is on the way in April. We moved back to the US in 05 and am very pleased how life has turned out. I recently find myself looking back at some of my past relationships and smile now about how lucky I was to not settle for what I had back then.

[Tigercat]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

I have no idea where to turn right now. I don't talk about emotional things with my buddies, and neither with my parents or sister.

My girlfriend of just over a year has said she's unhappy with some traits of mine a few weeks ago, and after talking about it I said that I would change. Now, she admits that I have changed since then, but also said she has always worried if I get back into my traits... and can't look past that. It's always on her mind.

So, she has just said that she wants to end this since she's not in it anymore. She said she still loves me, but can't look past the traits. We both vried over the phone as we talked, which tells me she really does still love me.

I am not a very out-going person. I have friends, and enjoy social outgoings once in awhile... but this girl was my first and only love. I have always been thinking of the future with her, and now this happens.

I know a football message board isn't the best place to go for advice on this, but I have nowhere else to turn, and I had to express myself somehow, to someone.

Anyway, this really sucks. No idea what to do next, but I just don't want to do anything right now. No work, no sleep, can't eat... any words of wisdom from anyone out there?

Stay busy. Be it going out, work, hobbies. It will be hard to convince your mind to want to do it, but you can't feel bad for yourself if you are busy, busy, busy. And the less you think about it, the quicker you can move past it.

[CraigSca]

I feel bad for you, and as others have said, we probably ALL have lost our first love.

Question for you - what do YOU think of those traits she spoke of? Are they a part of you that you can improve, or are they just what you are? This may be a good time to look at self-improvement if they are issues that you don't like about yourself.

All in all, I feel for you. We've all been there, and all you can do is just get back up and try, try again.

[Mustang]

Not sure what traits she wanted you to change but, if there is a bright side, if you did change and they were unfavorable traits it will make you a better person for the future. . .

But, in the short term, definitely keep busy.

[amdaily]

Originally Posted by PilotMan

I took control over who I was and what I was about. For me it turned the corner on who I was and who I would become.

What he said.

You're always welcome in the drunk thread too!

[WVUFAN]

Sorry to hear that, MikeVic. It may not sound true right now, but it will get easier.

Hang in there.

[AgustusM]

I am 40, as happily married as I could ever possibly imagine any man being.

having said that and having dated a lot of women in my time (and even beign married once before), let me say this - girls are like the bus - a new one comes along every 10 minutes.

go out, meet girls, have fun, ignore this one.

chances are 3 things will happen:

1. she will come back at some point. I have walked away from quite a few girls who have tried to breakup with me, when you walk they always come back. the ones you cry and grovel to move on.

2. when she comes back, chances are you won't be that interested any more.

3. when the right one does come along you will forget all about this one.

[BYU 14]

I would echo what most say in that Time will eventually allow make it easier. One technique you can try in the meantime is to give yourself a time every day, even twice a day at first if need be to think about the situation. Plan it so that you know when you are going to do it and you can plan accordingly.

When this time comes, cry, laugh, analyze, whatever you want to process that day, it's your time alone to think about her........When you are done, stay busy with other things and do not allow yourself to drift back to thoughts of her until your next planned time. I know this might sound odd, but it trains your mind and emotions in a way so that you can function the rest of the time without constant thoughts about her popping up and making you miserable or distracted. As time goes on you will reduce the frequency of these sessions and soon will not need them. It really does help if you stick to it as it allows you to process things more completely without obsessing on them.

[MikeVic]

Thanks. I'll try to use the advice given here. It's hard right now... could barely sleep last night, stomach hurts, can't eat... and everything reminds me of her.

[JPhillips]

Sounds like you need



and a




Seriously, it will just take time. Find some things to do. Workout or do something that keeps your body active. The only consolation for this is that if it happens again it gets easier.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Go rent swingers, that may cheer you up.

Why are you suggesting he rent a godawful movie? Are you trying to compound the man's pain?

SI

[wade moore]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Why are you suggesting he rent a godawful movie? Are you trying to compound the man's pain?

SI

omg.

Where's my ban stick?

[Noop]

[Izulde]

I know it's hard right now, but look at this as an opportunity.

New women and new experiences are out there waiting for you.

You've learned from this girl about yourself and about her, you'll learn even more about yourself, women, and other things from the next one you meet.

[molson]

Most people have to go through this shit once. Drink much beer. Hang out with your buddies (even if you're not talking to them about this). You really can do much better.

[Mustang]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

and everything reminds me of her.

[stevew]

Originally Posted by wade moore

omg.

Where's my ban stick?

Yeah, your pimp hand is weak.

[MikeVic]

I've been talking to her online last night a bit and this morning at work... I can't fully detach myself from her right now. But as we're talking, she'll say something like "I think it's the best for both of us." And I mentioned how I can't have my chat client open at work anymore since I'm always clicking to see if she has said anything, and she said she's doing the same thing. She also is checking up on me since she feels bad about what I'm going through and all that.

Is this normal? It just confuses me more. I didn't understand the break-up in the first place, and now this.

[Flasch186]

does she float? is she heavier than a duck? a rock?

[Izulde]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

I've been talking to her online last night a bit and this morning at work... I can't fully detach myself from her right now. But as we're talking, she'll say something like "I think it's the best for both of us." And I mentioned how I can't have my chat client open at work anymore since I'm always clicking to see if she has said anything, and she said she's doing the same thing. She also is checking up on me since she feels bad about what I'm going through and all that.

Is this normal? It just confuses me more. I didn't understand the break-up in the first place, and now this.

This is a classic case of her feeling bad about hurting you.

This does NOT mean you have any chance at her back again. You don't. End of story.

I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is distance yourself from her as much as possible. The more you hang about, the harder it is to let go.

[jbmagic]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

I've been talking to her online last night a bit and this morning at work... I can't fully detach myself from her right now. But as we're talking, she'll say something like "I think it's the best for both of us." And I mentioned how I can't have my chat client open at work anymore since I'm always clicking to see if she has said anything, and she said she's doing the same thing. She also is checking up on me since she feels bad about what I'm going through and all that.

Is this normal? It just confuses me more. I didn't understand the break-up in the first place, and now this.

She probably found another man she is very interested with. And she making an excuse about your traits to make a break from you.

[Vinatieri for Prez]

Two words of advice

1) Cut the cord permanently. It's time to move on, and actually she may actually come back to you because you are ignoring her. No more talking, text messaging, etc.

2) Get out there and circulate with the women. Once you meet one in the next 2 weeks, you will forget all about her.

[gkb]

Sorry you're going through a tough time. I think most of us have been through something very similar. I would echo the thoughts mentioned above about cutting the cord.

I would also suggest some counseling if you think it might help. It'll give you someone to talk to in person about this and they'll most likely have some good suggestions for you on how to move on in a healthy way. I had a very rough breakup while I was in college and I took advantage of the free counseling services there...it helped me tremendously.

[path12]

It sucks but you've gotta cut the cord. No contact no matter how hard it seems. It's the quickest way. Also, schedule yourself time to grieve. I've done something like setting aside 5-6PM for example to totally give into all my emotions and (cry, rage, yell, stare, etc) and try and focus on nothing else but my grief during that time. What I tended to discover was that the grief/loss was not as crushing or overwhelming as it first appears to be....

Good luck.

[dawgfan]

It's been said repeatedly in this thread so far, but it may take repetition for the advice to stick, so here goes:

- Keep busy with things; playing games, watching movies, reading books, whatever - keep yourself occupied;

- Even better, spend as much time with friends and family as possible;

- Cut the cord; no more texting, IM'ing, e-mailing, calling - it's just prolonging the agony. Look, if it's ultimately meant to be, she'll come back to you. But at this point, the relationship is completely tilted in her favor - if the relationship is ever going to work, you need to find level ground again, which means you can't be devastated by her leaving. Cutting the cord and not communicating with her for a while will give you a chance to let the hurt subside, gain some perspective on the relationship, and meet new people;

- Get out there and circulate. You may not be ready to date someone else right now, but you should still put yourself out there and realize that there is a whole world of options available to you

Good luck. I know how difficult it is to deal with this kind of situation, I've been there before. Time heals, and the advice most people have been giving comes from experiencing the same thing, so do yourself a favor and listen to that advice.

[path12]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

- Get out there and circulate. You may not be ready to date someone else right now, but you should still put yourself out there and realize that there is a whole world of options available to you.

Just to add onto this good advice -- I'd go so far as to say DON'T date someone else for awhile. In my youth I tended to jump from relationship to relationship and it wasn't until I was 27 or so that I stopped the cycle by just spending about a year just learning how to enjoy being totally self-sufficient, and better yet, enjoy my own company. One of the best learning experiences I've ever had.

[sterlingice]

I've never quite understood the "go try to get with women" thing right after a breakup... doesn't that just get people into a mentality of "yes, I need women"

SI

[sabotai]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

I've been talking to her online last night a bit and this morning at work... I can't fully detach myself from her right now. But as we're talking, she'll say something like "I think it's the best for both of us." And I mentioned how I can't have my chat client open at work anymore since I'm always clicking to see if she has said anything, and she said she's doing the same thing. She also is checking up on me since she feels bad about what I'm going through and all that.

Is this normal? It just confuses me more. I didn't understand the break-up in the first place, and now this.

As others have pointed out, you have to. Keeping contact with her will only make you keep feeling the way you are feeling right now. The anxiety in the pit of your stomach that prevents eating, sleeping, motivating yourself to do anything, will remain there if you keep talking to her. You have to stop. You have to go into detox. Completely seperate. I know you will not believe this, but in a few days of total and complete "sever", you will feel better. And then a few days later, you will feel even better.

You need to teach yourself that, yes, you can live without her. You will not be able to do that if you keep any kind of contact with her.

[stevew]

The ladies man suggests you try doing it in the Butt.

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by stevew

The ladies man suggests you try doing it in the Butt.

Hornsmaniac returns

[Grid Iron]

As others have stated, you need a total and complete separation.

Continuing contact, even minimal, will drag your emotional pain out even more.

This is a foolproof system, that has worked for me and my friends who have been dumped (both men and women):

Go a FULL WEEK with no contact whatsoever. Not an email, not a chat, not a note, nothing. Just cut her out of your life.

I guarantee in one week you will wake up and be cured of your heartbreak.

But it only works if you can't not have any contact with her for a full week.

On top of that, you will eventually realize some day that your relationship with her was no big deal. I can get over a one-year relationship standing on my head. She was your first love, and you'll always have a special place in your heart for her, but you'll have many more dude.

[Galaril]

Originally Posted by path12

Just to add onto this good advice -- I'd go so far as to say DON'T date someone else for awhile. In my youth I tended to jump from relationship to relationship and it wasn't until I was 27 or so that I stopped the cycle by just spending about a year just learning how to enjoy being totally self-sufficient, and better yet, enjoy my own company. One of the best learning experiences I've ever had.

Originally Posted by sterlingice

I've never quite understood the "go try to get with women" thing right after a breakup... doesn't that just get people into a mentality of "yes, I need women"

SI

Yeah, great advice. I have also been there done that in my pre amrreid days especially college years. The best is to get out amongst any people but you really should avoid a dating experience most experts say for 6-months to two years depending on how serious and long your last relationship was.............

Now that being said there is nothing wrong with hanging out with females just keep the snake in the cage for a while.

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by Lathum

Hornsmaniac returns

Franklinnoble actually...

[Sporkimata]

Yeah pretty much what all the other guys say is true. Dont let it eat ya up. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesnt. I would add if you need a person to talk to, a therapist sometimes can work wonders. A lotta people see it as being sorta taboo, but ive found it really helps. Good luck, the first ones always the hardest...

[oykib]

I'd agree with the don't date anyone right away crowd.

But definitely nail someone as soon as possible. No emotional attachment-- just some fun and validation.

And about this "I can't remove myself stuff...": Sack up. It's hard advice. but it's the best advice.

I had this kind of thing go down two months ago. Five-year relationship. Still loved each other... yadda yadda yadda. It sucks.

But you can only get past it if you get past it.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by path12

Just to add onto this good advice -- I'd go so far as to say DON'T date someone else for awhile. In my youth I tended to jump from relationship to relationship and it wasn't until I was 27 or so that I stopped the cycle by just spending about a year just learning how to enjoy being totally self-sufficient, and better yet, enjoy my own company. One of the best learning experiences I've ever had.

Great advice.

[Vinatieri for Prez]

Originally Posted by oykib

But definitely nail someone as soon as possible. No emotional attachment-- just some fun and validation.

Great advice.

[MikeVic]

I'm understanding the advice, and can see what you guys see. However, I know of couples that split up for a bit, and then got back together... and are still together, happy as ever, a couple years later. I guess I'm still hanging on the hope that she just wants some time to herself. As you might have seen with previous posts, her life has been hectic forever (I know I posted one of these stories, but there were far more). Now it seems like her life is kind of getting to a normal pace, and maybe she just wants to use that time to be herself and enjoy it. She saw something (which I'm understanding now) in me that wouldn't let her truly be herself at this time, or so she thinks.

So I've told her I won't communicate with her in any way for as long as I can, but I'm here in case she needs to communicate in some way. I've also talked to a buddy who went through something like this recently, and got back together. He told me that he wrote an e-mail with thoughts and feelings in it, saying what she meant to him, explaining that he understood what happened (as I'm understanding more now compared to two days ago), and that it was a mistake.

I've started an e-mail similar to that, but am trying to just set aside time to write, instead of writing it all the time (as I was doing yesterday). Today and on, I will only do it at lunch, and after supper. Once I believe it's done, I'll send it to her and let her do with it what she pleases.

Bad advice I got? I just know that people get back together and end up living happy lives, so I guess that's where I'm at now...

[dawgfan]

Originally Posted by MikeVic

I just know that people get back together and end up living happy lives, so I guess that's where I'm at now...

I know where you're coming from, but you're in a place right now emotionally that isn't letting you think clearly.

Look, couples break up all the time. And how many of them get back together? Not many. Not only that, but of the couples that get back together, most of the time that happens after some time of actual separation - not with one of the people in the relationship trying their hardest to not let go, which is what you're doing.

She may be acting kind towards you rather than telling you to fuck off and go away, and there may be reasons you can cite that make you think that her wanting to split up right now isn't just about you. But it's highly likely that what's happening is that she doesn't like to see you hurting and is trying to let you go gently. And in reality, that just prolongs the pain and delays the needed emotional recovery time on your part.

People aren't usually attracted to someone that is in a very emotionally needy state, which is where you are right now. Blame Hollywood and romance novels for the idea that someone can hang on for dear life in a deteriorating relationship and change the other person's mind - it almost never happens that way.

I understand the hope on your part that you might get back together. You know the best way to make that a possibility? Make a clean split from her now. Don't be a dick - if she contacts you, tell her you appreciate her checking in on you, but you really need some time away from her to figure out your own feelings. And it's the truth - that's what you need to do. That old saying, "If you love someone, set them free" isn't just a cliche, it's based in truth. It accomplishes a number of good things - it allows you to gain much better perspective on your relationship with her by giving you time to get over the immediate emotional pain, it shows her that you are not so emotionally needy and clingy, and it provides time for her to figure out whether she likes her life better with you as her significant other or not.

But you also can't spend that time away from her obsessing about the hope of getting back together with her - you have to not only not see her and communicate with her, you have to stop hoping she'll come back to you. You have to make an emotional break with her, and get your mind to a place where you're OK with the concept that you can live without her as your significant other. Because the reality is, there's a good chance that's the case, that you probably won't get back together with her - you'll meet someone else that's a better fit and so will she.

So I'll reiterate - while I understand why you are doing what you're doing, believe me and everyone else here who's saying the same thing - the best thing for you to do is cut the cord with her completely for a while until you've healed emotionally. That will probably take a few months, but you'll be better off for it.

[path12]

Well, couples do get back together sometimes, that's for sure. But it's in her hands right now -- anything you send her or communicate is coming from a place of loss. I think if a reconciliation is really what you want, you need to have her make the first contact. And that means not sending her that note. Go ahead and keep writing it, but don't send it. I know you think it might help, but in my experience it's not likely.

[path12]

Dola, sometimes I'm glad I'm old.

[Vinatieri for Prez]

By the way, as crazy as it sounds, you have the greatest chance of getting her back by ignoring her. She will not be interested in getting back together with the needy guy with no confidence. When she hears about how great your doing in a months' time from a friend, however, she'll start thinking "hmm. . . I should not have broke up with that guy." If she doesn't then this things was already over and was never getting back together.

[cmp]

Yeah, don't get back with the girl. I've had this same situation happen where I ended up going back with the girl after a while, and again she left me. Not fun.

[st.cronin]

Originally Posted by Vinatieri for Prez

By the way, as crazy as it sounds, you have the greatest chance of getting her back by ignoring her. She will not be interested in getting back together with the needy guy with no confidence. When she hears about how great your doing in a months' time from a friend, however, she'll start thinking "hmm. . . I should not have broke up with that guy." If she doesn't then this things was already over and was never getting back together.

bingo