Revenge: Advice Needed

[Groundhog]

Ok, here's the deal: Because I'm saving up for a trip to Japan later this year, I've decided to be a little more economical and bring food in to work each day rather than spending the $10~ it costs to get lunch around here. I buy a packet of sliced ham, sliced cheese and some tomatos, put them in a plastic bag and store them in the fridge, which is available for use by the entire floor, about 20 staff.

Over the past week, I've noticed that someone has been taking stuff out of my lunch bag, and not even trying to conceal it - when I open the fridge my bag is just strewn open with all the stuff out on the shelf, and a portion of my ham and cheese gone. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but I put a post-it note on the ham saying "Please kindly buy your own god-damned ham. Kind regards, the person who paid for it", and today I came in and not only did it not do anything, but they took more than usual.

Time for revenge.

What can I do to this food to get payback, without killing the perp or getting me fired? I've been e-mailing around to friends and have had some great suggestions including:

• Rub chilli all over the ham - my fave so far.
• Ex-Lax - explosively good idea.
• Rub ham on genitalia - awesome, yet doesn't solve the problem because they won't know. Still, it will amuse me.
• Spray ham with window cleaner - that might work, yet I'd probably be fired and/or kill someone.

Anyone got any safe yet funny ideas?

I should state again, I really don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I just consider this the height of rudeness. It's happening after hours sometime between 5:30pm-9am. I work in Security and I know who is in the building on this floor in this time period, and I've got it narrowed down to 3 people, all of whom are external contractors, and all of whom can DEFINATELY afford their own bloody lunch with no problems what-so-ever. I also have no intention of confronting and making a big issue with anyone about this, I just want to fuck with them.

[DaddyTorgo]

chili + ex-lax !!!

[JPhillips]

Hit him with a tire iron and tell him to stop being a Stiffy Stifferson.

[cougarfreak]

hxxp://www.prankplace.com/candy.htm

Leave 'em dessert.

[Raiders Army]

You need to take a page from Pay It Forward. The movie teaches that when something happens to you, you need to do the same thing to three other people. The best revenge is to pass it on so that eventually the true culprit will receive his just rewards.

That being said, if you can find out who it is, revenge is best when it affects them permanently. Keying their car, doing something to their lunch, etc. is just temporary. The thing is, you need to escalate the war and make it so that they are so fearful of your retaliation that they don't cross you ever again.

This is your best option to destroy them professionally: you should have their email address so sign them up for KKK newsletters. Better yet, sign them up for the KKK if you have their address. It only costs $35 to do so (I believe). You should then report them anonymously and tell your HR/IT rep that you believe they are receiving racist emails. They should get fired and your food should be safe.

[dawgfan]

The ex-lax and oven cleaner ideas have the potential for the most satisfaction, but could get you into trouble.

I'd go with sprinkling as much hot chile pepper powder on the sandwich as you can without making it obvious, or a few dabs of some extremely hot chile pepper sauce (something like a Dave's Insanity Sauce or another equally incinerating).

If that doesn't deter the fucker, then go for the ex-lax trick.

Also, I'd mention this to your supervisor just to make him/her aware ahead of time in case the culprit decides to go whine to management.

Oh, and definitely rub the ingredients over your balls and apply some pubes to the sandwich even if it is just for your own amusement. Edited note: Just remember to rub the stuff on your balls before you apply the hot chile powder/sauce.

[Groundhog]

Originally Posted by Raiders Army

You need to take a page from Pay It Forward. The movie teaches that when something happens to you, you need to do the same thing to three other people. The best revenge is to pass it on so that eventually the true culprit will receive his just rewards.

That being said, if you can find out who it is, revenge is best when it affects them permanently. Keying their car, doing something to their lunch, etc. is just temporary. The thing is, you need to escalate the war and make it so that they are so fearful of your retaliation that they don't cross you ever again.

This is your best option to destroy them professionally: you should have their email address so sign them up for KKK newsletters. Better yet, sign them up for the KKK if you have their address. It only costs $35 to do so (I believe). You should then report them anonymously and tell your HR/IT rep that you believe they are receiving racist emails. They should get fired and your food should be safe.

An excellent idea, but I just don't know if I could sleep at night knowing that the perp still walks out there amongst the rest of us.

Any tips on maybe getting the perp incarcerated? Not neccessarily for life, just long enough for them to think about what they've done--5 years should do it.

[Groundhog]

Originally Posted by dawgfan

The ex-lax and oven cleaner ideas have the potential for the most satisfaction, but could get you into trouble.

I'd go with sprinkling as much hot chile pepper powder on the sandwich as you can without making it obvious, or a few dabs of some extremely hot chile pepper sauce (something like a Dave's Insanity Sauce or another equally incinerating).

If that doesn't deter the fucker, then go for the ex-lax trick.

Also, I'd mention this to your supervisor just to make him/her aware ahead of time in case the culprit decides to go whine to management.

Oh, and definitely rub the ingredients over your balls and apply some pubes to the sandwich even if it is just for your own amusement. Edited note: Just remember to rub the stuff on your balls before you apply the hot chile powder/sauce.

My manager is aware, I was speaking to him about it yesterday. I'm not too worried about getting in trouble for any of this. As long as I don't poison the person, I figure it's fair game if they want to go digging for gold in my lunch bag.

The current plan is: Day 1, genital rub+pubic hair surprise. Day 2, chilli time.

As you pointed out, very important to not get those two steps confused and out of order.

[Raiders Army]

Another idea I've read: if he's married, send an anonymous "love letter" to his house every couple of weeks for about a year.

[Kodos]

If you add enough pubic hairs, they are bound to find out after a mouthful or two.

[beargrowlz]

Watch Hostel.

Personally, I like the slicing the achilles tendons move best.

[KevinNU7]

Day 1: Post-It Note that says, "Please don't eat my food."

Day 2: Post It Note that says, "How was my pubic hair?"

[cartman]

You can always do like I did and host a 'Chili con Carnival'.

[KevinNU7]

Another thing is to bring in expired meat and cheese and leave that in the frig. Bring something you can store in your office (maybe canned soups) for a week.

[SFL Cat]

If he's taking sandwiches, I'd use not obviously moldy bread. It's possible to eat half a sandwich before realizing the bread is moldy (trust me).

[stevew]

Find out who did it and leave a copy of their resume on the office copy machine. And then have a couple friends call in to check references for the guy.

[Raiders Army]

Originally Posted by SFL Cat

If he's taking sandwiches, I'd use not obviously moldy bread. It's possible to eat half a sandwich before realizing the bread is moldy (trust me).

I'm gonna barf.

[SunDevil]

Originally Posted by stevew

Find out who did it and leave a copy of their resume on the office copy machine. And then have a couple friends call in to check references for the guy.

I like this one the best so far. Then again, if he is a valuable employee you might just get him a raise. Better off with the tire iron.

[cartman]

Eating Groundhog's food is not cool. You are about to enter a world of pain.

[Fidatelo]

Originally Posted by Groundhog

An excellent idea, but I just don't know if I could sleep at night knowing that the perp still walks out there amongst the rest of us.

Any tips on maybe getting the perp incarcerated? Not neccessarily for life, just long enough for them to think about what they've done--5 years should do it.

I know you are hoping to avoid confrontation, but this should help if jail time is your main objective: http://www.crudder.com/stories/jail/

[Poli]

Originally Posted by Raiders Army

You need to take a page from Pay It Forward. The movie teaches that when something happens to you, you need to do the same thing to three other people. The best revenge is to pass it on so that eventually the true culprit will receive his just rewards.

That being said, if you can find out who it is, revenge is best when it affects them permanently. Keying their car, doing something to their lunch, etc. is just temporary. The thing is, you need to escalate the war and make it so that they are so fearful of your retaliation that they don't cross you ever again.

This is your best option to destroy them professionally: you should have their email address so sign them up for KKK newsletters. Better yet, sign them up for the KKK if you have their address. It only costs $35 to do so (I believe). You should then report them anonymously and tell your HR/IT rep that you believe they are receiving racist emails. They should get fired and your food should be safe.

And I will never ever mess with you.

[Lorena]

Make some pot brownies. Once they have a bite from this excuisite dessert they'll be so fucked up they'll get fired for being all potted up.

[Lorena]

Or bake some meatloaf and add a shitload of salt

[Mustang]

I'd just go with the silent pube lacing or wiping it on your ass. Just keep it to yourself. If you screw them over and they know about it, you can write off bringing dinner to work ever again because they are going to be looking to screw you over.

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by Groundhog

Rub ham on genitalia -

PING: HA

[Rizon]

Use the ex-lax or dog food.

[rkmsuf]

Now the real genius would be a preemptive strike by the meat thief. So he knows you are on to him by the first post it note so the move would be for HIM to rub the meat on his genitals and leave his pubic hair on it for you to eat when you think he's stopped stealing your food.

[gstelmack]

You're in security and can't figure out how to get a camera on this fridge to find out who it is?

Your best option is probably your own mini-fridge. Especially a locking one.

[Ryche]

If nothing else, there should be no way you can get in trouble for doing something to your own food that someone else decides to eat.

[st.cronin]

Originally Posted by gstelmack

You're in security and can't figure out how to get a camera on this fridge to find out who it is?

That was my thought. Once you know who it is, your options increase dramatically.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Originally Posted by Ryche

If nothing else, there should be no way you can get in trouble for doing something to your own food that someone else decides to eat.

That's what I was thinking...who is to say you don't enjoy window cleaner on your ham sandwich?

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by Suburban Rhythm

That's what I was thinking...who is to say you don't enjoy window cleaner on your ham sandwich?

Mmm... Windexy

SI

[Subby]

Just ask Scott Tenorman!

[cartman]

Originally Posted by Subby

Just ask Scott Tenorman!

Originally Posted by cartman

You can always do like I did and host a 'Chili con Carnival'.

Got it covered.

[Subby]

You have to admit that it is fun to hear Scott retell the story!

[Groundhog]

Originally Posted by gstelmack

You're in security and can't figure out how to get a camera on this fridge to find out who it is?

Fridge is in the work area, and to point any cameras at the work area is a legal issue in Australia work-place laws. People have to be informed that cameras are in the workplace, so I can't just quickly set something like this up.

Your best option is probably your own mini-fridge. Especially a locking one.

Not do-able where I work. Besides, shouldn't even be neccessary.

Operation Revenge goes in to play in 2 days time.

[JeeberD]

Originally Posted by KevinNU7

Day 1: Post-It Note that says, "Please don't eat my food."

Day 2: Post It Note that says, "How was my pubic hair?"

My initial idea was similar.

Day 1: Genital-rubbed ham in the fridge.

Day 2: Picture of you rubbing said ham on your genitals left in the spot where the ham usually is.

The only downside is that you might get fired for sexual harrasment...

[JeeberD]

Originally Posted by SFL Cat

If he's taking sandwiches, I'd use not obviously moldy bread. It's possible to eat half a sandwich before realizing the bread is moldy (trust me).

I once was so poor that I ate a Taco Bell bean burrito that was in a moldy tortilla because (a) I didn't have enough money to go get any more food, and (b) I didn't want to use the little gas I had to go back to the restaurant and complain.

My tummy didn't feel so great the rest of that day.

[Oilers9911]

what better testicle flavoured ham or ex-lax?

[Groundhog]

I forgot to update this.

This is what went down.

Monday: Bought the usual ingredients in to work. At around lunchtime took the ham in with me to the cubicle for a little sexy time. This was more enjoyable than it probably should have been. Then put ingredients back in container, and in the fridge. This time I left the plastic bag open, with the ham readily displayed at the front of the fridge.

Tuesday: Got to work, walked straight to the fridge, several slices of ham missing. Wrote "I really, really, really, really, hope you enjoyed that ham as much as I did... mwah ha hah..." on a post-it note and stuck it back on the ham and put it in the fridge.

Wednesday: No more missing ham.

Thursday (two weeks ago) until now: Still no missing ham.

Success...

[bulletsponge]

Originally Posted by Groundhog

I forgot to update this.

This is what went down.

Monday: Bought the usual ingredients in to work. At around lunchtime took the ham in with me to the cubicle for a little sexy time. This was more enjoyable than it probably should have been. Then put ingredients back in container, and in the fridge. This time I left the plastic bag open, with the ham readily displayed at the front of the fridge.

Tuesday: Got to work, walked straight to the fridge, several slices of ham missing. Wrote "I really, really, really, really, hope you enjoyed that ham as much as I did... mwah ha hah..." on a post-it note and stuck it back on the ham and put it in the fridge.

Wednesday: No more missing ham.

Thursday (two weeks ago) until now: Still no missing ham.

Success...

umm am i the only one that feels sorry for your ham?

[Groundhog]

Originally Posted by bulletsponge

umm am i the only one that feels sorry for your ham?

It's in a better place now.

[bulletsponge]

Originally Posted by Groundhog

It's in a better place now.

wow, i really really dont want to know what you did to the poor ham in the stall

[Axxon]

Originally Posted by Groundhog

I forgot to update this.

This is what went down.

Monday: Bought the usual ingredients in to work. At around lunchtime took the ham in with me to the cubicle for a little sexy time. This was more enjoyable than it probably should have been. Then put ingredients back in container, and in the fridge. This time I left the plastic bag open, with the ham readily displayed at the front of the fridge.

Tuesday: Got to work, walked straight to the fridge, several slices of ham missing. Wrote "I really, really, really, really, hope you enjoyed that ham as much as I did... mwah ha hah..." on a post-it note and stuck it back on the ham and put it in the fridge.

Wednesday: No more missing ham.

Thursday (two weeks ago) until now: Still no missing ham.

Success...

You do realize you could have just written the note and gotten the same result right?

[JeeberD]

He wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction of knowing that the dude ate tainted meat, though...

[Passacaglia]

Plus, the dude might have actually got sick from it. Now he knows why.

[Axxon]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

He wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction of knowing that the dude ate tainted meat, though...

So you're implying that Groundhog's meat is tainted?

[JeeberD]

Are you implying that you would eat Groundhog's meat?

[bulletsponge]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

He wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction of knowing that the dude ate tainted meat, though...

hehe yea

[Ksyrup]

Originally Posted by JeeberD

He wouldn't have gotten the satisfaction of knowing that the dude ate tainted meat, though...

But he would have gotten the satisfaction of knowing that the dude thought he ate tainted meat, which would have served the same purpose. Unless you're HA, of course.