A "Scruples" type question

Butter · 05-31-2007, 02:35 PM

So, the office is shutting down early tomorrow so that employees can attend the 3:00 "co-workers only" viewing and prayer service for our HR person's daughter. She was killed along with one other girl in a car accident Tuesday afternoon.

Should I go to this? Obviously, leaving early and just going home would be a bit callous, but I barely know the HR person. I think we had one talk that lasted more than a sentence each. If either of my sons died, I certainly wouldn't expect people from my work to show to the funeral, least of all co-workers whom I barely talked with. Not to mention the fact that I'm an atheist, so I have little in the way of comfort to offer the mother, aside from my presence.

So, what should I do? I'm leaning towards just working my normal shift and going home after that.

Desnudo · 05-31-2007, 02:38 PM

Don't know how big your office is, so I said no. If its a small office where everyone knows each other, I would change that to yes, regardless of your own beliefs.

gstelmack · 05-31-2007, 02:39 PM

In large part this would depend for me on how it is worded.

First, you barely know her, I'm not sure I'd go to the wake for someone I barely knew at all.

Second, if this is "office is shut down, please feel free to attend the viewing", then I'd be heading home, 'cause the office is shut down. If it's worded "anyone who wants to may leave early to attend the viewing", then suck it up and stay at work.

Butter · 05-31-2007, 02:42 PM

The office is about 30 people, the company is about 200 spread around the country overall. We all know each other to a certain extent, but there are a few people I just don't have much cause for contact with, and she is one.

The e-mail is worded thusly:

"We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend."

Ryan S · 05-31-2007, 03:13 PM

There is no way I would go to the funeral, but I would try to find out what others are doing to make sure that I am not the only person who took the afternoon off and skipped the funeral.

albionmoonlight · 05-31-2007, 03:17 PM

If everyone goes and you stay to work, then you might end up making a worse statement than if you went home. You, of course, intend no disrespect, but people in offices love to talk. In an office of 30 people, I expect that you will have a few busybodies that will notice and gossip.

ThunderingHERD · 05-31-2007, 03:17 PM

Hmmm... since the family decided to have a special "co-workers only" viewing, I say you've gotta suck it up and go--with an office of 30 some coworkers could easily take notice of your absence. I definately wouldn't stay at work if only because it would make the fact that you didn't care to go more conspicuous than if you left and didn't attend the viewing.

DaddyTorgo · 05-31-2007, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butter_of_69

The office is about 30 people, the company is about 200 spread around the country overall. We all know each other to a certain extent, but there are a few people I just don't have much cause for contact with, and she is one.

The e-mail is worded thusly:

"We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend."

"We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend."

that's your answer right there. EVERYONE ATTEND. just suck it up and go. It'll last an hour...maybe hour and a half. And you'll still be out early. 30 people also seems fairly small, it would definately be awkward if you didn't go with an office that size I'd say.

DaddyTorgo · 05-31-2007, 03:28 PM

oh and if it's just a viewing and not a funeral it'll be much quicker. stop in...make sure you're seen by coworkers, offer heartfelt condolences and then slip out.

Logan · 05-31-2007, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

"We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend."

that's your answer right there. EVERYONE ATTEND. just suck it up and go. It'll last an hour...maybe hour and a half. And you'll still be out early. 30 people also seems fairly small, it would definately be awkward if you didn't go with an office that size I'd say.

Yeah, it didn't say "...if you wish."

You're in brotha...saddle up.

gstelmack · 05-31-2007, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyTorgo

"We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend."

that's your answer right there. EVERYONE ATTEND. just suck it up and go. It'll last an hour...maybe hour and a half. And you'll still be out early. 30 people also seems fairly small, it would definately be awkward if you didn't go with an office that size I'd say.

See, when my company did something similar (although it was fun, sending everyone to one of those arcade / go-cart places), they explicitly said "and if you don't want to go, you are required to stay and work, this is a team-building event, not a time off event" (or something to that effect), eliminating the question.

"We will be closing the office" is the key word to me. The office is closed. It also says "let", which is not necessarily mandatory. It sounds more like they don't want anyone to feel work is more important than this.

Another option is to simply ask your supervisor. This sounds like an honest conversation you should be able to have with a boss, who can tell you straight up if they expect you there or not.

Toddzilla · 05-31-2007, 07:22 PM

Only 30 people?
Closing the office?
"Everyone attend"?

For those reasons alone, you should go, but for crying out loud, don't be such a self-centered asshole to think your attendance at the service should be based on your knowledge - or lack thereof - of the deceased or their family.

You are there to pay RESPECTS to the passed and to the family of the passed. You're not expected to share some remembrance of the girl, you're there to see the family, look them in the eye, and say you're sorry for thier loss.

Be there.

Full Disclosure: When my daughter died, we had a memorial service on a Friday afternoon. Our office had about 80 people, and while we didn't close, HR let people know they were free to leave work to attend. I'd say 10-15 people from my office were there, and it meant the world to me that they took time out of their day to show up, pay their respects, and tell me they were sorry for my daughter's passing. It was especially touching to see people there that I didn't know that well - they cared enough to make an effort.

DaddyTorgo · 05-31-2007, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toddzilla

Only 30 people?
Closing the office?
"Everyone attend"?

For those reasons alone, you should go, but for crying out loud, don't be such a self-centered asshole to think your attendance at the service should be based on your knowledge - or lack thereof - of the deceased or their family.

You are there to pay RESPECTS to the passed and to the family of the passed. You're not expected to share some remembrance of the girl, you're there to see the family, look them in the eye, and say you're sorry for thier loss.

Be there.

Full Disclosure: When my daughter died, we had a memorial service on a Friday afternoon. Our office had about 80 people, and while we didn't close, HR let people know they were free to leave work to attend. I'd say 10-15 people from my office were there, and it meant the world to me that they took time out of their day to show up, pay their respects, and tell me they were sorry for my daughter's passing. It was especially touching to see people there that I didn't know that well - they cared enough to make an effort.

well said Todd

Anthony · 05-31-2007, 08:31 PM

the office will be closed. the email didn't say "we are letting people who want to attend leave early". the office is going to be closed.

if anything, why don't you just buy a mass card and send it to the lady. if it ever gets back to you that you didn't go just say it was against your beliefs to attend and you offered your support in your own personal way, no one will hang that over your head. getting a card is the least you can do.

in a PC world where it's the worst thing in the world to slight someone and you can't say one word and take one step without offending someone, yes, you should go. but in a world where we can't be everything to everyone and at some point need to draw the line between what's good for ourselves and what's good for others - you should leave work early, buy a card offering your condolensces and enjoy the rest of the day.

JonInMiddleGA · 05-31-2007, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butter_of_69

The e-mail is worded thusly:

"We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend."

I'm with DaddyTorgo, I don't read that email as being optional, I read it as "your ass will attend.

lynchjm24 · 05-31-2007, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hell Atlantic

enjoy the rest of the day.

Certainly enjoy the day off provided because someone's child died. Don't let that get in the way of a good time.

cthomer5000 · 05-31-2007, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Logan

Yeah, it didn't say "...if you wish."

You're in brotha...saddle up.

Agree with Logan here. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but suck it up and attend.

And re: athiesm. No need to mention God in anything you say, simply say something you believe if necessary like "I'm very sorry for your loss."

Axxon · 05-31-2007, 10:05 PM

When I was in high school ( small high school, around 150 people ) our drum major's mother was murdered. They held a church service for her and we were informed about it but no big planned trip or anything.

Almost everyone showed up anyway. Unplanned. Most guys really didn't know the guy and even less knew his mother but we all showed up and basically there wasn't enough seating for everybody who showed.

I thought it was one fantastic send off and all that but a couple of years later when we were in college I talked about it to him and he described it as one of the most moving moment in his life. He was in incredible pain and feeling quite alone and helpless and here there was a massive outpouring from a lot of folks he hardly knew. It gave him strength and it helped him through the dark times and he felt a bond with the school that he never quite had allowed himself to.

So, I figure that if you can help do something like this for someone, and I really don't give a damned who or if you know them, if you can do something like that for someone who really needs it and it only costs you a couple hours out of one day to do it, I say it's a no brainer and you do it.

If it's optional then that's just a bonus and believe me, it's not your face particularly that she'll see but she will see all the faces and it will make a difference. That's what I believe.

Lathum · 05-31-2007, 10:06 PM

People will notice your absense, plus when everyone is leaving and saying things like " see you there" how will you feel?

I guarentee if you don't go next time you see the guy you will feel guilty for not going. Suck it up for 30-45 minutes them hit happy hour or something, you will still have a shorter then normal day.

Axxon · 05-31-2007, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lathum

People will notice your absense, plus when everyone is leaving and saying things like " see you there" how will you feel?

I guarentee if you don't go next time you see the guy you will feel guilty for not going. Suck it up for 30-45 minutes them hit happy hour or something, you will still have a shorter then normal day.

Now I'm confused. Does he work with Susan Stanton or something?

Logan · 05-31-2007, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cthomer5000

Agree with Logan here. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but suck it up and attend.

Yeah, and at some point during the hour where you find yourself (understandably) feeling awkward and uncomfortable, stop for a second, think of what the people you are supporting are feeling at that moment, and what they will be feeling for the rest of their lives, and realize how lucky you are to just be feeling awkward and uncomfortable.

SFL Cat · 05-31-2007, 11:35 PM

I'd go.

It's not like they're asking you to convert to a religion or something. It certainly won't kill you to show up and coridally offer condolences for the loss.

Toddzilla · 06-01-2007, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hell Atlantic

if it ever gets back to you that you didn't go just say it was against your beliefs to attend

Again, the service has nothing to do with your beliefs or your religious persuasion - it is about the deceased and the family of.

Izulde · 06-01-2007, 09:15 AM

Go to the viewing.

Edit: Thought it was funeral, but since it's viewing, changed it for proper terminology.

Anthony · 06-01-2007, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynchjm24

Certainly enjoy the day off provided because someone's child died. Don't let that get in the way of a good time.

Spoiler

Axxon · 06-01-2007, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hell Atlantic

Spoiler

View Poll Results: Should I go to the funeral?
Yes	25	58.14%
No, but you should not leave work early	10	23.26%
No, and go ahead and knock off early	8	18.60%
Voters: 43. You may not vote on this poll

05-31-2007, 02:39 PM	#3
gstelmack Pro Starter Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Cary, NC	In large part this would depend for me on how it is worded. First, you barely know her, I'm not sure I'd go to the wake for someone I barely knew at all. Second, if this is "office is shut down, please feel free to attend the viewing", then I'd be heading home, 'cause the office is shut down. If it's worded "anyone who wants to may leave early to attend the viewing", then suck it up and stay at work. __________________ -- Greg -- Author of various FOF utilities

05-31-2007, 02:42 PM	#4
Butter Coordinator Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Dayton, OH	The office is about 30 people, the company is about 200 spread around the country overall. We all know each other to a certain extent, but there are a few people I just don't have much cause for contact with, and she is one. The e-mail is worded thusly: "We will be closing the office at 2:30 to let everyone attend." __________________ My listening habits

05-31-2007, 03:17 PM	#7
ThunderingHERD College Benchwarmer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: North Carolina	Hmmm... since the family decided to have a special "co-workers only" viewing, I say you've gotta suck it up and go--with an office of 30 some coworkers could easily take notice of your absence. I definately wouldn't stay at work if only because it would make the fact that you didn't care to go more conspicuous than if you left and didn't attend the viewing. __________________ "I'm losing my edge--to better looking people... with better ideas... and more talent. And who are actually really, really nice." "Everyone's a voyeurist--they're watching me watch them watch me right now." Last edited by ThunderingHERD : 05-31-2007 at 03:20 PM.

05-31-2007, 08:31 PM	#14
Anthony Banned Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Astoria, NY, USA	the office will be closed. the email didn't say "we are letting people who want to attend leave early". the office is going to be closed. if anything, why don't you just buy a mass card and send it to the lady. if it ever gets back to you that you didn't go just say it was against your beliefs to attend and you offered your support in your own personal way, no one will hang that over your head. getting a card is the least you can do. in a PC world where it's the worst thing in the world to slight someone and you can't say one word and take one step without offending someone, yes, you should go. but in a world where we can't be everything to everyone and at some point need to draw the line between what's good for ourselves and what's good for others - you should leave work early, buy a card offering your condolensces and enjoy the rest of the day. Last edited by Anthony : 05-31-2007 at 08:41 PM.

05-31-2007, 02:38 PM	#2
Desnudo Coordinator Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Here and There	Don't know how big your office is, so I said no. If its a small office where everyone knows each other, I would change that to yes, regardless of your own beliefs.

05-31-2007, 03:13 PM	#5
Ryan S Quarterback Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: London, England	There is no way I would go to the funeral, but I would try to find out what others are doing to make sure that I am not the only person who took the afternoon off and skipped the funeral.

05-31-2007, 03:17 PM	#6
albionmoonlight Head Coach Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: North Carolina	If everyone goes and you stay to work, then you might end up making a worse statement than if you went home. You, of course, intend no disrespect, but people in offices love to talk. In an office of 30 people, I expect that you will have a few busybodies that will notice and gossip.

05-31-2007, 03:28 PM	#9
DaddyTorgo Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Massachusetts	oh and if it's just a viewing and not a funeral it'll be much quicker. stop in...make sure you're seen by coworkers, offer heartfelt condolences and then slip out.

05-31-2007, 07:22 PM	#12
Toddzilla Pro Starter Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Burke, VA	Only 30 people? Closing the office? "Everyone attend"? For those reasons alone, you should go, but for crying out loud, don't be such a self-centered asshole to think your attendance at the service should be based on your knowledge - or lack thereof - of the deceased or their family. You are there to pay RESPECTS to the passed and to the family of the passed. You're not expected to share some remembrance of the girl, you're there to see the family, look them in the eye, and say you're sorry for thier loss. Be there. Full Disclosure: When my daughter died, we had a memorial service on a Friday afternoon. Our office had about 80 people, and while we didn't close, HR let people know they were free to leave work to attend. I'd say 10-15 people from my office were there, and it meant the world to me that they took time out of their day to show up, pay their respects, and tell me they were sorry for my daughter's passing. It was especially touching to see people there that I didn't know that well - they cared enough to make an effort.

05-31-2007, 10:05 PM	#18
Axxon Pro Starter Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Phoenix, AZ	When I was in high school ( small high school, around 150 people ) our drum major's mother was murdered. They held a church service for her and we were informed about it but no big planned trip or anything. Almost everyone showed up anyway. Unplanned. Most guys really didn't know the guy and even less knew his mother but we all showed up and basically there wasn't enough seating for everybody who showed. I thought it was one fantastic send off and all that but a couple of years later when we were in college I talked about it to him and he described it as one of the most moving moment in his life. He was in incredible pain and feeling quite alone and helpless and here there was a massive outpouring from a lot of folks he hardly knew. It gave him strength and it helped him through the dark times and he felt a bond with the school that he never quite had allowed himself to. So, I figure that if you can help do something like this for someone, and I really don't give a damned who or if you know them, if you can do something like that for someone who really needs it and it only costs you a couple hours out of one day to do it, I say it's a no brainer and you do it. If it's optional then that's just a bonus and believe me, it's not your face particularly that she'll see but she will see all the faces and it will make a difference. That's what I believe. __________________ There are no houris, alas, in our heaven. Last edited by Axxon : 05-31-2007 at 10:06 PM.

05-31-2007, 10:06 PM	#19
Lathum Favored Bitch #1 Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: homeless in NJ	People will notice your absense, plus when everyone is leaving and saying things like " see you there" how will you feel? I guarentee if you don't go next time you see the guy you will feel guilty for not going. Suck it up for 30-45 minutes them hit happy hour or something, you will still have a shorter then normal day.

05-31-2007, 11:35 PM	#22
SFL Cat College Starter Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: South Florida	I'd go. It's not like they're asking you to convert to a religion or something. It certainly won't kill you to show up and coridally offer condolences for the loss.

06-01-2007, 09:15 AM	#24
Izulde Head Coach Join Date: Sep 2004	Go to the viewing. Edit: Thought it was funeral, but since it's viewing, changed it for proper terminology. __________________ 2006 Golden Scribe Nominee 2006 Golden Scribe Winner Best Non-Sport Dynasty: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) Rookie Writer of the Year Dynasty of the Year: May Our Reign Be Green and Golden (CK Dynasty) Last edited by Izulde : 06-01-2007 at 09:15 AM.

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