Breaking and Entering

[panerd]

Disclaimer: I dated a married women "Beth" for about 4 months who said she was seperated but whose husband was not aware of the seperation. Then she actually got legally seperated and I started dating her again. So her now seperated husband has no reason to like me and I can't blame him. However...

Me and Beth just got back from a trip to Vegas. Throughout the trip her crazy husband called her about every 20 minutes. When we returned some stuff got mixed up in our suitcases so she left some pants, some lotions, a shirt, and some earrings over at my house. I put them all on my table on Monday morning planning on giving them to her later in the day.

I come home from work Monday night and something isn't right. You know how you get one of those feelings that stuff seems out of place? The shower curtain was closed different, the couch cushions are different, just a wierd feeling. So I am kind of uneasy but didn't notice any cash missing or my stereo equipment, etc so I kind of forgot about it. So later that night I am talking to Beth on the phone and I go to look at her stuff and it isn't there! I look all over my house (which isn't large so it didn't take long) and I can't find them. After about 5 searches I start thinking, but no he couldn't have? Then I notice my front window is unlocked and the screen is in place but has obviously been moved.

I have no doubt that he broke in and stole her stuff. She confronted him to no avail and then I did also. Should I get the police involved or any other advice? Is this guy going to end up chopping me into little pieces? I am at a complete loss. I realize that I have some fault in this whole ordeal but this is crazier than anything I have ever been involved with. If I cut Beth lose than he wins, but is any woman worth this? Is there even any way to prove that he did anything?

It seems too professional with no broken locks or windows for a normal average scientest guy to do. Am I being too naive and it is a lot easier to break into a house than I know? I wish I just screwed up and the stuff is at my house, but I think this guy was in my house! Any opinions?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Yes, I'd say definitely get a police report. Better to already be on file in case you need a restraining order on him later, need a rapid response to a subsequent prowler call, etc.

To be honest though, the first suspect that comes to my mind when reading this was Beth herself.
But hey, I've known more than my share of psychobitches through the years, so YMMV.

[sabotai]

If the glass window unlocked, it's very easy to break into someone's house. Get the police involved.

[Surtt]

Originally Posted by panerd

Disclaimer: I dated a married women "Beth" for about 4 months who said she was seperated but whose husband was not aware of the seperation.

Run.
If she was dishonest about her separation I would not have anything to do with her.
YMMV.

[panerd]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Yes, I'd say definitely get a police report. Better to already be on file in case you need a restraining order on him later, need a rapid response to a subsequent prowler call, etc.

To be honest though, the first suspect that comes to my mind when reading this was Beth herself.
But hey, I've known more than my share of psychobitches through the years, so YMMV.

She is very freaked out and scared right now. And I work with her so she had no oppurtunity to do it, but I do hear what you are saying.

Any psychologists on the board? Does this fit a profile? Is this the "8 dead. Man was disgruntled over relationship" type profile?

[panerd]

Originally Posted by Surtt

Run.
If she was dishonest about her separation I would not have anything to do with her.
YMMV.

If I were on the outside looking in I would agree 100%. But I am honestly pretty attached and into her and would really be hurting if I broke it off. But it is getting close to that point. My problem is that we are really into each other and if we break up then crazy husband wins.

[Drake]

Bad things happen when you date married women.

[Drake]

My problem is that we are really into each other and if we break up then crazy husband wins.

Dude, he's already won. You're now responsible for the wife who was fucking around on him.

[Telle]

It's actually rather easy to break into a house.. especially if a window was left unlocked. For me this was a good thing because it allowed my brother to break into my house when my two year old locked me out.

[Surtt]

Originally Posted by panerd

If I were on the outside looking in I would agree 100%. But I am honestly pretty attached and into her and would really be hurting if I broke it off. But it is getting close to that point. My problem is that we are really into each other and if we break up then crazy husband wins.

Been there, done that.
It is a lot easier to tell someone, then to do it.

Good luck.

[Deattribution]

Originally Posted by Drake

Bad things happen when you date married women.

The thing I never got with this is getting attached with someone who's already proven they're willing to eff over somebody who they're 'commited' to.


With that said, I think I'd definately file a report on her ex just so they have a lead suspect when you turn up missing

[Kodos]

If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

[Drake]

Panerd, I don't want it to look like we're derailing your thread by focusing on the whole "dating a married woman" thing. Because the truth is that this isn't a threadjack.

People who cheat have an inherent need for drama. I'll bet she's told you what a lousy, abusive, insane guy her husband was. Didn't meet her needs emotionally. Was always working or messing with his hobbies. Made her feel scared or intimidated.

She needs that drama because it makes her feel wanted and important. That's part of what people need to do to justify stepping out on their marriage. Women in particular know that guys tend to fall for the whole Rescue Damsel routine.

In any event, you've got to be careful how you handle this if you decide you want to go long term with this woman, because like it or not, her soon-to-be exHusband is going to be a part of your life for years to come, especially if there are kids involved.

Also remember that anything and everything he might actually be doing comes from a place of intense pain. You may not have been told the truth about the status of their marriage when you first hooked up with her, but as far as her husband is concerned, you're the guy who destroyed his family. He's going to be a bit pissed off at you.

[Eaglesfan27]

Originally Posted by Kodos

If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

QFT.

[Mustang]

Screw this situation...

Married girlfriend (despite being legally separated, she is married), people breaking into your house and a husband that doesn't seem to be going anywhere?

Fuck that...


But, yes, if someone broke into your house you file a report. If he really did break in, he was looking for something else and the stuff was just a sidebar to that. Dude's calling his wife every 20 minutes, WTF do you think is going to happen if he breaks in again and your balls are slapping against his wife's ass?

Although personally, I think Beth snuck back in.

[Rizon]

Can I have your login after her husband kills you?

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by Mustang

Married girlfriend (despite being legally separated, she is married), people breaking into your house and a husband that doesn't seem to be going anywhere?

Fuck that...

That's what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Lorena]

You keep saying "he wins", are you sure that's why you wanna stay in the relationship so HE doesn't get her? She cheated and lied... are you sure this is the person you wanna have a serious relationship with? So who could have broken into your house... if it was her, then you have someone in dire need of attention, if it was him, you're royally fucked.

[Galaxy]

Where's JimmyWint when you need him.

[BYU 14]

It's a tough spot when you are in it, I would definitely file a report but I would also evaluate your relationship.

You have to ask....What would prompt him to break in to your House? It couldn't be that he just randomly thought, I wonder if he has some of her stuff in his Crib. And if he just broke in hoping to find evidence of her "being" there your Closet and Drawers would have probably been ransacked too, looking for her Clothes or something else. Plus, if he is that much of a Psycho, finding her stuff there would have probably pushed him to destroy something of yours. It just all seems a little suspicious to me, like she might be playing you against each other.

[CU Tiger]

due..id get a report and a gun...

[panerd]

Update: Upon furthur review pictures of me and her on my fridge and a big framed one I had from Vegas just two days ago are missing. I keep asking myself the same question why he would break in without even knowing that her shit would even be there. I think I understand. I wonder if he also planted some bugs or recording devices.

I realize how this looks to everyone on the outside and I even sort of see it too. But she has been with him for ten years and I have worked with her for three and seen how miserable he makes her. We never even thought about any fooling around until around St. Patrick's day. So I consider it step above someone meeting me at a bar or something and giving me a line of shit. She did lie about being seperated, but she has stuck with this guy for ten years and so I hope it is more than just a fling. It's kind of sad but she has made me happier than any previous girlfriend, but also makes me more frustrated. All the signs are there to walk away (and to call the police) but I am having trouble pulling the trigger.

These things have to work out sometime don't they?

[panerd]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

due..id get a report and a gun...

I have a gun, though I am not sure I could ever use it on somebody. I am not real intimidated by the guy either but this is still a step above crazy. I just wonder if the report will do anything but get him interviewed and her in deeper shit and in the end accomplish nothing. (Or worse)

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

It's a tough spot when you are in it, I would definitely file a report but I would also evaluate your relationship.

You have to ask....What would prompt him to break in to your House? It couldn't be that he just randomly thought, I wonder if he has some of her stuff in his Crib. And if he just broke in hoping to find evidence of her "being" there your Closet and Drawers would have probably been ransacked too, looking for her Clothes or something else. Plus, if he is that much of a Psycho, finding her stuff there would have probably pushed him to destroy something of yours. It just all seems a little suspicious to me, like she might be playing you against each other.

BYU: randomly Capitalizing things fOR 1200+ posts

SI

[Lorena]

panerd, serious question here... is he physically abusive towards her?

[Coffee Warlord]

....hooo boy, upon reading that followup note.

1) Call the police, like, NOW.

2) Inquire to the police if they have someone who can indeed check for surveilance type devices. Or hire a security consultant to do so if you're that concerned about it.

3) Call the police.

4) Call the police.

Get the drift? Dude is not stable.

Ex husband breaking into your place and stealing picture of you and his ex? Yeah. Bad.

[Ironhead]

This is like a case study of what happens when all of the rules of logic and sanity are broken in a relationship.

[panerd]

Originally Posted by Dodgerchick

panerd, serious question here... is he physically abusive towards her?

No. He is a good dad also, just a horrible match for her.

[Simms]

Originally Posted by Coffee Warlord

1) Call the police, like, NOW.

2) Inquire to the police if they have someone who can indeed check for surveilance type devices. Or hire a security consultant to do so if you're that concerned about it.

3) Call the police.

4) Call the police.

This.

[StarBuck]

Dude, I think your in a whole lot of mess that a large part of you doesn't want out of.

p.s. Call the police so they have it on record.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by sterlingice

BYU: randomly Capitalizing things fOR 1200+ posts

SI

I get excited sometimes

[Ironhead]

Originally Posted by BYU 14

I get Excited sometimes

Fixed it for you.

[CamEdwards]

No offense Panerd, but if you don't call the police, I'd say it's up in the air when it comes to who's the crazier guy here.

[panerd]

Originally Posted by StarBuck

Dude, I think your in a whole lot of mess that a large part of you doesn't want out of.

p.s. Call the police so they have it on record.

I definitely don't like the drama at all. But I can't explain how I feel about this woman either. 3 months ago I was at wit's end and couldn't stand her, but since September it is the happiest I have been in my life. I know that I need to do something, but I wonder if it will accomplish anything or just set stuff back.

[Coffee Warlord]

Originally Posted by panerd

I definitely don't like the drama at all. But I can't explain how I feel about this woman either. 3 months ago I was at wit's end and couldn't stand her, but since September it is the happiest I have been in my life. I know that I need to do something, but I wonder if it will accomplish anything or just set stuff back.

You've got someone breaking into your house, and given what's missing, it's a pretty safe bet you know who it is.

And you happen to be sleeping with that someone's wife. A person who has already shown he has no qualms about and no problem with breaking into your home.

Yeah. Cops. Call. Now.

[CamEdwards]

BTW, the police are most likely not going to devote a lot of time and attention to a case like this. You should consider getting an order of protection against him, as should she (and yes, I know what a pain in the ass this will be because of the kids involved). That may at least scare him away.

Also, if you have a gun but are not prepared to use it to defend yourself, lock it away and make sure it's inaccessible to anyone who might break into the home. Don't give HIM the opportunity to use it.

[Galaxy]

I agree with calling the police.

[panerd]

Originally Posted by CamEdwards

BTW, the police are most likely not going to devote a lot of time and attention to a case like this. You should consider getting an order of protection against him, as should she (and yes, I know what a pain in the ass this will be because of the kids involved). That may at least scare him away.

Also, if you have a gun but are not prepared to use it to defend yourself, lock it away and make sure it's inaccessible to anyone who might break into the home. Don't give HIM the opportunity to use it.

This is where I am coming from, the police will probably think that's what I get for fooling around with a married woman. And it is a case that would require either breaking the witness or some CSI shit, which I don't think they would do for this case. Therefore I just make her situation worse and don't make mine any better.

I kind of get the having it on record, but again what will that do. If he really comes to kick my ass or worse will it matter that I called the cops as I am trying to wrestle away the knife or gun? (I know, I started the thread for advice, but I am just thinking aloud here)

I get where you are coming from with the shotgun, especially with your NRA stuff. I have it mainly for fun but I have always thought I would show it if something happened. But I have no idea if I could actually pull the trigger.

[Atocep]

Originally Posted by panerd

This is where I am coming from, the police will probably think that's what I get for fooling around with a married woman. And it is a case that would require either breaking the witness or some CSI shit, which I don't think they would do for this case. Therefore I just make her situation worse and don't make mine any better.

I kind of get the having it on record, but again what will that do. If he really comes to kick my ass or worse will it matter that I called the cops as I am trying to wrestle away the knife or gun? (I know, I started the thread for advice, but I am just thinking aloud here)

I get where you are coming from with the shotgun, especially with your NRA stuff. I have it mainly for fun but I have always thought I would show it if something happened. But I have no idea if I could actually pull the trigger.

This is why you need to remove yourself from the situation. Your long term mental/physical health is what is potentially at stake here. No matter what the attachment is to this woman this is one of those times where you do what is best for yourself.

[astrosfan64]

Originally Posted by panerd

This is where I am coming from, the police will probably think that's what I get for fooling around with a married woman. And it is a case that would require either breaking the witness or some CSI shit, which I don't think they would do for this case. Therefore I just make her situation worse and don't make mine any better.

I kind of get the having it on record, but again what will that do. If he really comes to kick my ass or worse will it matter that I called the cops as I am trying to wrestle away the knife or gun? (I know, I started the thread for advice, but I am just thinking aloud here)

I get where you are coming from with the shotgun, especially with your NRA stuff. I have it mainly for fun but I have always thought I would show it if something happened. But I have no idea if I could actually pull the trigger.

Go with the flow. I mean if you like her and are having fun go for it. Just because she left him for someone else, DOESN'T mean she will do the same to you.

Obviously the guy has some issues. He might not even be a bad guy, but it seems pretty obivous they just weren't meant to be.

On the police note that is up to you. If you are a play it by the book guy who doesn't want confrontation, then call them. If you are a macho type or aren't fearful then fuck it and handle it yourself.

But, some of the best loving you can find is from these types of situations. So enjoy the ride.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by panerd

This is where I am coming from, the police will probably think that's what I get for fooling around with a married woman.

I really doubt most cops will give a shit who you're sleeping with. Let's be real here - their's is not exactly a profession known for fidelity.

I kind of get the having it on record, but again what will that do.

If you're right and it really was him, it will give them a prime suspect when you wake up with your throat cut. I can only assume that you would at least like them to arrest him after you're dead.

But I have no idea if I could actually pull the trigger.

Then take Cam's advice & make absolutely certain that it is secured so that you aren't eventually killed with your own gun.

Look, if you hadn't asked for advice then I wouldn't be offering it in this case but ... the truth of the matter is that she's at least as good a suspect as he is. Better really, since she knew the items & knew the location better. I think you don't want the police involved at this point in part because you don't want them to find out that it was her that took the stuff. I'm getting a really bad vibe from this whole scenario at this point. I'd say there's at least a reasonable chance that she's intentionally playing the two of you against each other, hoping for whatever reason to provoke some confrontation between the two men in her life (or at least the two that we know about).

[Flasch186]

dont show it if you wont use it...

boy that can be used to apply with so many things.

[sterlingice]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

I'd say there's at least a reasonable chance that she's intentionally playing the two of you against each other, hoping for whatever reason to provoke some confrontation between the two men in her life (or at least the two that we know about).

Kindof scary to think about but that part is entirely possible, too.

SI

[ISiddiqui]

Having it on record can be very important. If he does something questionable again, the cops can see that he broke in before and perhaps take a future complaint more seriously than they may have. Also you can get a restraining order on him... and that is probably a good idea.

[Kodos]

This whole thing sounds really bad. I know you're having a good time with her, but it is not worth it. And even if you do end up together, you will always wonder when she is going to cheat on YOU.

Get out and save yourself some grief. Who cares who "wins"? Honestly, the husband deserves to win cuz they're married. If she wanted to be with someone else, she should have done it the right way and got divorced first.

[Drake]

I think you don't want the police involved at this point in part because you don't want them to find out that it was her that took the stuff. I'm getting a really bad vibe from this whole scenario at this point. I'd say there's at least a reasonable chance that she's intentionally playing the two of you against each other, hoping for whatever reason to provoke some confrontation between the two men in her life (or at least the two that we know about).

John makes a good point here. Since we know there are kids involved, there's a better than average chance that *she* broke into your place and is hoping that you file a report because (depending on the divorce laws in your state) it would give her a better custody deal if she can show legal proof (i.e., your report) that her ex is unstable.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about violence at this point. If he was going to confront you and get violent, he would have done it already.

Honestly, I'm a bit intrigued about the whole you two being in Vegas and him calling every 20 minutes thing. That doesn't sound like typical guy behavior -- unless the woman involved is stringing the somebody along. I have this strong feeling that what she's telling you and what she's telling her husband are two entirely different things.

You asked above about these things working out sometimes. I cheated on my first wife, divorced her and ended up marrying the woman I cheated with. Now, I've been faithful for the last fifteen years -- that is, my entire new marriage. But all the features of my wife that allowed her to screw around with a married guy have remained a constant issue in our relationship. She loves the drama. She's constantly making life more difficult because she craves attention and excitement. And yes, she's cheated on me, including a two year affair with my best friend.

Granted, my wife is bipolar, and that's a huge factor in her destructive and self-destructive behaviors, but you need to take a long look at this woman and realize that she was madly in love enough with her husband just ten years ago to marry him and start a family. Now she describes him as unstable, a bad match, etc. How much of that is true and how much is that her attempting to make justifications for morally reprehensible decisions? The fact is that painting her husband as a nutcase is coping mechanism she has developed to self-soothe when she's unhappy with her life. She's now proven that this coping mechanism works, because it landed her an extracurricular boyfriend.

And if it worked once, it will work again. Soon, *you'll* be the nutcase, uncaring, bad-match boyfriend when she's ready to move on...or to move back with her husband.

Not to say that this is etched in stone, but to get past self-destructive self-soothing behaviors requires a great deal of work on yourself, and given her selfish behaviors currently (i.e., running off to Vegas with a boyfriend while her husband is taking care of her kids at home), it doesn't sound like she's in any position to start fixing herself yet.

Realize, of course, that I'm coloring your story with my own experience, so your situation may be different than mine. What I *can* tell you fifteen years down the road is that cheating on my ex-wife and marrying my girlfriend was the single worst decision I've ever made in my life. If it weren't for *my* kids, I'd have been out of this marriage a dozen times over because my wife is simply too immature, selfish and self-destructive to have a real adult relationship.

I'd spare you that misery if I could, panerd. You deserve better than she's capable of giving you.

[Drake]

dola...

Just wanted to add:

You do realize that when her divorce is final and she has custody of her kids that the entire dynamic of your relationship is going to change, right? Are you ready to be a family man and give up things like weekend jaunts to Vegas? To pay for orthodontia, book rental, doctor visits, blah, blah, blah?

To this point, you've gotten the "fun" Beth who has no responsibilities outside of what she wants and when she wants it. Once the divorce goes through, the dating is over and you've bought yourself a pre-made family without the romantic run-up to kids and responsibilities. Since she's a mom, you don't get to have just her. She's a package deal.

Are her kids part of the package you want, especially since they're going to grow up with the full awareness that it was you who broke up their family? That's a heavy burden to shoulder.

[molson]

You're pretty much thinking like a girl here, assuming that "things are going to be different with me because we're special together".

This is going to get way worse if you don't get out. And it has nothing to do with the other guy.

[Toddzilla]

EVERYTHING about this situation screams "GET OUT NOW"

I suggest you run and don't look back before something very bad happens, or should I say something *else* very bad happens.

[Bonegavel]

Not to be a black cloud over your tea party but no woman is worth it.

Think about it:

• the married faithful couples are miserable
• the married unfaithful couples as miserable
• the single faithful daters are miserable
• the single unfaithful daters are miserable

Common denominator = everyone is miserable.

Over time, any relationship starts to suck ass and suck it big after the "honeymoon" is over. And, if somebody here isn't miserable, I can guarantee you that your significant other is. It isn't all about compromise and such as we are constantly reminded. Relationships are all about taking the person you are and smashing it into a thousand pieces and flushing it down the toilet.

If you can do that and live with the shell of a human you've become, you'll be fine.

What was I responding to? Oh right, dump her ass and move onto somebody sans baggage. At least you'll be less miserable.