OH HAI BEST SPORTS COACH EVER!!1

Subby · 03-31-2009, 03:08 PM

Massachusetts Girls Soccer Coach Resigns Over Hilarious, Possibly Insane Email

If George Patton had coached a girls soccer team, he probably would have run things this way; only without so many references to red meat. Meet Michael Kinahan, ex-coach of the Scituate, Mass. Green Death.

Kinahan resigned as the coach of the 6- and 7-year-old girls team (not pictured) before the season even started, due to a hilarious and possibly insane email sent to parents as a way to introduce himself. Rather than try to explain it, let's get right to the fun. This portion of the letter is aimed at the sideline behavior of the parents, and is possibly my favorite part:

It is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Other excerpts (keep in mind this team is comprised of 6- and 7-year-old girls):

OK, here's the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge "Team 7" for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don't need to talk to me.

I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the "W" in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it's good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can't handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines.
America's youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as "bad". I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don't animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn't grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.
Who's with me? Go Green Death!

Hilarity did not ensue. From Kinahan's resignation letter:

Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.

And finally, from the Quincy Patriot Ledger mailbag:

• Spectacular.... too bad these girls will have their coach replaced by some Starbucks sipping, land rover driving parent with no love and/or knowledge of the game. But on the bright side, everyone will get a trophy and there will be oranges for all during timeouts. I'd let my daughter play for this man in a heartbeat. — johnny_moore 2 hours ago

• I think judge smails said it best; 'The man's a menace!' — undacovabrotha 4 hours ago

Subby · 03-31-2009, 03:11 PM

link

THE COACH’S ORIGINAL E-MAIL

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. Chris Mac will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners. These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life.

Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

--

KINAHAN’S RESIGNATION

Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email. For the avoidance of doubt, the email was largely (albeit not completely) meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports. It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons. My overarching goal is the well-being of my players, and I do not want any player to feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to see the team disbanded because of a lack of active players. Therefore, while I’d prefer to go down swinging, it’s really about the kids and it just makes more sense for me to take the year off.
While I respectfully disagree with the Board's interpretation of my comments, I believe that they should be commended for their immediate actions to address the concerns of the offended parties. The Board’s action proves that the chain of command is functioning as designed. Board members volunteer their valuable time and I do not plan to add to their already significant workload. I also respect those parents who were offended as I am sure they acted in the best interest of their children. While I may question their sense of humor, I have no right to question their judgment regarding their children. Perhaps we may even have beer (I’ll buy) and a couple of laughs at the end of all of this.

And while I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it's funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness. Furthermore, I was serious about parental involvement as I do believe parents should cheer and encourage players (in a positive fashion obviously) so that the kids feel the excitement that comes from team competition. And most importantly, I was completely serious that I want to see each young girl develop a positive self image, self-confidence and the will to succeed in any endeavor that she desires. Lastly, I have added some comments to my initial email (in capitals) to clarify several points that may have been viewed as offensive.

Sincerely,

Michael A. Kinahan
Go Green Death!

Radii · 03-31-2009, 03:14 PM

BLUE SLUSHIES ARE FOR WINNERS.

Hopefully you're taking notes here Subby for the kids you're coaching.

sabotai · 03-31-2009, 03:16 PM

Go Green Death!

MikeVic · 03-31-2009, 03:22 PM

If I was coaching a 7-year-old girls soccer team called Green DEATH, I'd think they had a sense of humour too. Seriously, Green Death?

JonInMiddleGA · 03-31-2009, 03:23 PM

Blue slushies FTW.

Oddly enough, the reaction seems to have run true to form for part of what was being lampooned. Maybe he hit a little too close to the truth for some folks.

And after his closing (Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives.), damned if I wouldn't want my kid to play for him too.

Julio Riddols · 03-31-2009, 03:23 PM

It always seems like some asshole has to take some obvious satire and make it a big deal.. This is hilarious, IMO, and whoever got their panties or boxers in a bundle about it needs to chill the eff out. I hope they get a coach who really is an asshole.

DanGarion · 03-31-2009, 03:23 PM

Wow those parents have no sense of humor.

DanGarion · 03-31-2009, 03:25 PM

BTW, what the hell type of soccer league doesn't require cleats and cancels games because of rain.... pfft.

Alan T · 03-31-2009, 03:28 PM

How funny. This was on the morning news here this morning and they made him out to sound like some evil person who basically was telling young kids they should do these things.

Now reading that this was sent to the parents and reading what was actually written .. it obviously is meant to be humorous. His only real mistake here is that he sent something funny to people who he did not know and thus did not realize that they had no sense of humor.

JediKooter · 03-31-2009, 03:34 PM

They should call the team Soylent Green.

Mustang · 03-31-2009, 03:39 PM

If I have never met someone, I assume they have no sense of humor.

JAG · 03-31-2009, 03:43 PM

Has he ever dealt with people previously? It was a really stupid decision to send that out and think that some people wouldn't be offended or even take him seriously about stuff like his HGH line (which I thought was pretty funny).

For what it's worth, I agree with Jon that I liked his last paragraph.

Cringer · 03-31-2009, 03:48 PM

Copied, pasted, and saved. This letter goes out to my daughter's team in the fall.

The parents on our team now probably would have taken it well, but that's because we weeded out the asshats from the fall who wouldn't have. I don't find some of it funny, but overall it was and I have no problem with the guy at all. Coaching youth soccer now I see how hard it is to find coaches who are dedicated and knowledgeable, so it sucks to see this guy have to sit out a season.

Fidatelo · 03-31-2009, 04:02 PM

Bad-example · 03-31-2009, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sabotai

Go Green Death!

Green death = Rainier Ale. Named for the terrible hangover we inevitably endured after a night of overindulgence.

Still a great team name.

Abe Sargent · 03-31-2009, 04:20 PM

I would totally want my kid playing for him.

Big Fo · 03-31-2009, 04:22 PM

That is a fantastic piece of e-mail, even if it never should have been sent.

sabotai · 03-31-2009, 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mustang

If I have never met someone, I assume they have no sense of humor.

In my experience, that is a pretty good starting off point.

Karlifornia · 03-31-2009, 05:03 PM

Not bad, not bad.

Schmidty · 03-31-2009, 05:42 PM

I'd love to see those asshat parents in my 7 year-old daughter's Kenpo/ Muay Thai classes. They'd probably run out crying. Her teachers are INTENSE. They not only teach martial arts, but at the end of every class (3 times a week for an hour), they do a "powerful word" life lesson. She also has to do homework, and her school teacher is sent a monthly evaluation sheet to fill out to make sure she's being disciplined, courteous, and productive. I love it, and so does my daughter. And on last Saturday, after 5 months of hard work, she got her yellow belt!!! I was so proud. Oh and she was able to actually break a board with her foot during the ceremony!!!

Crim · 03-31-2009, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanGarion

BTW, what the hell type of soccer league doesn't require cleats and cancels games because of rain.... pfft.

What DG said.

Alan T · 03-31-2009, 06:24 PM

My daughter's soccer league when she was 6 didn't play in the rain and they were not allowed to wear cleats (they wore tennis shoes). I think they started wearing cleats in the 7 or 8 year old league, I don't honestly remember.

Alan T · 03-31-2009, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alan T

My daughter's soccer league when she was 6 didn't play in the rain and they were not allowed to wear cleats (they wore tennis shoes). I think they started wearing cleats in the 7 or 8 year old league, I don't honestly remember.

Just took a look at the Enfield, CT soccer rules (where my daughter plays) and it looks like they -can- wear cleats at the U6 level now, but they are optional. The rules say they are highly recommended for leagues over age 6 though.

(Keep in mind the soccer they play in that league for U6 is simply 4 vs 4 with no goalies)

Marc Vaughan · 03-31-2009, 06:45 PM

I thought his email was fine - it was obviously tongue in cheek and its a shame he was hounded out for something which was just silly really.

Radii · 03-31-2009, 07:10 PM

The big reason for not playing in the rain at least in the last youth soccer league I was around was to keep the quality of the fields up. The fields we played at were the site of games for multiple leagues and multiple age groups. Each field was used from 8am-5pm saturday and sunday non stop for games. If they had played during the rain those fields would have been ravaged.

dawgfan · 03-31-2009, 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marc Vaughan

I thought his email was fine - it was obviously tongue in cheek and its a shame he was hounded out for something which was just silly really.

I agree, but then again I do think it was written just short of being so obviously over the top that anyone could figure out it's (mostly) a joke. While I think the parents in question should take a chill pill and I wish the Board had shown more fortitude in standing up for the guy, it's also a good lesson to be learned that there are a fair number of literal and/or humor impaired people out there and to take that into consideration when sending an e-mail like that.

Lesson learned, and it sounds like he'll attempt to return to coaching next year, by which time the publicity over this should make it clear to all where he really stands. And if the parents at that point still have an issue with him, shame on them.

Logan · 03-31-2009, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeVic

If I was coaching a 7-year-old girls soccer team called Green DEATH, I'd think they had a sense of humour too. Seriously, Green Death?

He re-named them Green Death.

DaddyTorgo · 03-31-2009, 07:22 PM

that's awesome. some people suck

sterlingice · 03-31-2009, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JediKooter

They should call the team Soylent Green.

SI

sterlingice · 03-31-2009, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidatelo

Can you say "sequel"?

SI

mauchow · 03-31-2009, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sterlingice

Can you say "sequel"?

SI

Well, I suppose the franchise could only go up.

sterlingice · 03-31-2009, 08:06 PM

Since it's a Will Ferrell movie, I never saw the first and as with most of his, that's probably an apt description.

SI

Fidatelo · 03-31-2009, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mauboy1

Well, I suppose the franchise could only go up.

Shut your trap!

And then go get me a juice box!

Schmidty · 03-31-2009, 08:08 PM

I love Will Ferrell, and I am not ashamed. I really like his goofy stuff like Anchorman, but he really show dramatic promise in Stranger Than Fiction.

mauchow · 03-31-2009, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Schmidty

I love Will Ferrell, and I am not ashamed. I really like his goofy stuff like Anchorman, but he really show dramatic promise in Stranger Than Fiction.

I, too, love the guys stuff and I enjoyed Stranger Than Fiction as well... but Kicking and Screaming was bad.

JediKooter · 03-31-2009, 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sterlingice

SI

They're eating the players!!!

Barkeep49 · 04-01-2009, 09:46 AM

I agree the email was quite funny. It became less funny though when I learned a 12 y/o official stopped officiating because of this guy, according to a board member (who was not unsympathetic).

Quote:

ther parents have said they support his approach, said Chris Park, the registrar for the Scituate Youth Soccer League.

“He’s got a wry, sarcastic sense of humor. I think this whole thing just blew up on him,” Park said.

Kinahan also wrote that he expected “that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies ... Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.”

Park said a major concern for league officials was Kinahan’s comments about referees.

“My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people,” he wrote.

Park said a 12-year-old referee refused to return this year because of the way Kinahan treated her last year.

JonInMiddleGA · 04-01-2009, 09:49 AM

A 12 y/o referee ... good Lord, is that what things have fallen to? I'd grown willing to give it the benefit of the doubt but I may have to go back to laughing at youth soccer again.

Subby · 04-01-2009, 09:54 AM

That's the league's fault for allowing a 12 year old to ref a sporting event.

Alan T · 04-01-2009, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

A 12 y/o referee ... good Lord, is that what things have fallen to? I'd grown willing to give it the benefit of the doubt but I may have to go back to laughing at youth soccer again.

I may be missing the point of humor in this statement, but just in case... I don't know anything about soccer other than my daughter's limited experience in youth soccer. It seems pretty common around here to have 12 year olds "referee" the 6 year old soccer leagues. Since the 6 year old league is watered down with very limited rule it mostly is just a case of keeping time and making sure the 3-4 rules are followed (ball out of bound, etc).

Older kids that play real soccer (or closer to real soccer) have real referees as well.

Since I grew up in Georgia, there was not really much youth soccer when I grew up.. so I have no idea if this is just unique for the Northeast, or if 6 year old soccer everywhere is run like this.

JonInMiddleGA · 04-01-2009, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alan T

I may be missing the point of humor in this statement, but just in case

I wasn't particularly shooting for humor exactly, mostly just offering light commentary on the absurdity I see in the notion of 12 year olds with a whistle.

As for going back to laughing at youth soccer, I long considered it little more than glorified recess but had begun to give it the benefit of the doubt that there might be something worth being referred to as "organized" in there somewhere. This little revelation sets that impression back quite a bit.

Ksyrup · 04-01-2009, 10:13 AM

I've definitely seen some young refs who should not be handling games by themselves. They are too immature and lack confidence in themselves to make decisive calls, give proper direction to the players (usually by not motioning or speaking clearly, and basically just letting the game play itself instead of directing traffic), etc. We had one situation where a kid ref essentially handed a goal to the other team while we were subbing players he waived on, only to have him start play as our players left the field, giving the other team an uncontested goal. He didn't have the maturity/confidence to stop the play and start it over, he just kept his head down and ignored it. And on a number of out of bounds plays, he was also waiting for parents to call who the ball went out on before signalling throw-ins. Completely over his head and unprepared to call a game on his own.

Alan T · 04-01-2009, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

As for going back to laughing at youth soccer, I long considered it little more than glorified recess but had begun to give it the benefit of the doubt that there might be something worth being referred to as "organized" in there somewhere. This little revelation sets that impression back quite a bit.

I think glorified recess is actually what I was aiming for by having my daughter play it in the first place. It seems way too easy for me to sit back and play video games with her these days, so I have to make a focus on getting her out riding her bike and playing outside too. So this was perfect for that

This year she told me that she wants to play softball instead of soccer because she has been to some of my softball games as well (plus we watch baseball and I never watch soccer). So I had no problem at all with her changing her mind on that either

King of New York · 04-01-2009, 10:27 AM

I highly doubt that the author of the email was joking, and I suspect that even a superficial investigation will reveal its tone to be consistent with his true attitude. And even if he was joking, his powers of judgment are so exceedingly poor that he should not have any position of responsibility over kids of any age.

Why do I think that he was serious? Because so many parents see their children's victories, in some strange and unhealthy way, as making up for the parents' own failures, inadequacies, and disappointments in life. Is there a children's sports league in the country that does not have rabid parents who regard the outcome of their kids' games as a matter of life and death? I see them every week.

I think that youth coaching tends to attract either the very best or the very worst people.

flere-imsaho · 04-01-2009, 10:34 AM

That's an awesome email. Shame he had to resign.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radii

The big reason for not playing in the rain at least in the last youth soccer league I was around was to keep the quality of the fields up.

Key point, especially at this time of the year. In places where the ground is thawing and may be waterlogged from rain, ripping up the field at this point will result in basically playing on bare dirt throughout the summer.

King of New York · 04-01-2009, 10:39 AM

Rereading the "apology": I am surprised that so many people took it, and not the initial statement, at face value, considering that he openly says in the apology that, while the initial statement was allegedly "satirical," he also really despises political correctness, and he meant much of what he said (in which case, it was not satirical!)

JonInMiddleGA · 04-01-2009, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by King of New York

Rereading the "apology": I am surprised that so many people took it, and not the initial statement, at face value, considering that he openly says in the apology that, while the initial statement was allegedly "satirical," he also really despises political correctness, and he meant much of what he said (in which case, it was not satirical!)

FWIW, I didn't have much doubt that there were significant grains of truth behind the email, it makes satire much easier when that's the case. But assuming he's roughly on the scale where I think he is (by toning down the most obvious exaggerations) I'd infinitely rather my kid play for him than for the types he clearly took a shot at in the opening of the email.

King of New York · 04-01-2009, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

FWIW, I didn't have much doubt that there were significant grains of truth behind the email, it makes satire much easier when that's the case. But assuming he's roughly on the scale where I think he is (by toning down the most obvious exaggerations) I'd infinitely rather my kid play for him than for the types he clearly took a shot at in the opening of the email.

I can understand that. I've never been a fan of leagues that do not keep score or that give a trophy to everyone, because I want my kids to learn how to win properly (which, to me, includes winning graciously), and just as importantly, how to deal with defeat.

Even the coach's harshest critics would have to concede that the bit about the Blue Slushies was inspired genius

Klinglerware · 04-01-2009, 12:56 PM

While part of me thinks the idea of being on the Cobra Kai team is kind of cool and badass, ultimately I'd rather my kid train under Miyagi instead.

03-31-2009, 03:11 PM	#2
Subby lolzcat Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: sans pants	link THE COACH’S ORIGINAL E-MAIL Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. Chris Mac will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others…… OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year. Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners. These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something. Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me? Go Green Death! -- KINAHAN’S RESIGNATION Team, After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email. For the avoidance of doubt, the email was largely (albeit not completely) meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports. It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons. My overarching goal is the well-being of my players, and I do not want any player to feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to see the team disbanded because of a lack of active players. Therefore, while I’d prefer to go down swinging, it’s really about the kids and it just makes more sense for me to take the year off. While I respectfully disagree with the Board's interpretation of my comments, I believe that they should be commended for their immediate actions to address the concerns of the offended parties. The Board’s action proves that the chain of command is functioning as designed. Board members volunteer their valuable time and I do not plan to add to their already significant workload. I also respect those parents who were offended as I am sure they acted in the best interest of their children. While I may question their sense of humor, I have no right to question their judgment regarding their children. Perhaps we may even have beer (I’ll buy) and a couple of laughs at the end of all of this. And while I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it's funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness. Furthermore, I was serious about parental involvement as I do believe parents should cheer and encourage players (in a positive fashion obviously) so that the kids feel the excitement that comes from team competition. And most importantly, I was completely serious that I want to see each young girl develop a positive self image, self-confidence and the will to succeed in any endeavor that she desires. Lastly, I have added some comments to my initial email (in capitals) to clarify several points that may have been viewed as offensive. Sincerely, Michael A. Kinahan Go Green Death! __________________ Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com Last edited by Subby : 03-31-2009 at 03:13 PM.

03-31-2009, 03:23 PM	#6
JonInMiddleGA Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA	Blue slushies FTW. Oddly enough, the reaction seems to have run true to form for part of what was being lampooned. Maybe he hit a little too close to the truth for some folks. And after his closing (Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives.), damned if I wouldn't want my kid to play for him too. __________________ "I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis

03-31-2009, 03:23 PM	#7
Julio Riddols College Prospect Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Bryson Shitty, NC	It always seems like some asshole has to take some obvious satire and make it a big deal.. This is hilarious, IMO, and whoever got their panties or boxers in a bundle about it needs to chill the eff out. I hope they get a coach who really is an asshole. __________________ Recklessly enthused, stubbornly amused. FUCK EA

03-31-2009, 03:23 PM	#8
DanGarion Coordinator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: PNW	Wow those parents have no sense of humor. __________________ Los Angeles Dodgers Check out the FOFC Groups on Facebook! and Reddit! DON'T REPORT ME BRO!

03-31-2009, 03:25 PM	#9
DanGarion Coordinator Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: PNW	BTW, what the hell type of soccer league doesn't require cleats and cancels games because of rain.... pfft. __________________ Los Angeles Dodgers Check out the FOFC Groups on Facebook! and Reddit! DON'T REPORT ME BRO!

03-31-2009, 03:14 PM	#3
Radii Head Coach Join Date: Jul 2001	BLUE SLUSHIES ARE FOR WINNERS. Hopefully you're taking notes here Subby for the kids you're coaching.

03-31-2009, 03:16 PM	#4
sabotai General Manager Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: The Satellite of Love	Go Green Death!

03-31-2009, 03:22 PM	#5
MikeVic Head Coach Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Hometown of Canada	If I was coaching a 7-year-old girls soccer team called Green DEATH, I'd think they had a sense of humour too. Seriously, Green Death?

03-31-2009, 03:28 PM	#10
Alan T Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Mass.	How funny. This was on the morning news here this morning and they made him out to sound like some evil person who basically was telling young kids they should do these things. Now reading that this was sent to the parents and reading what was actually written .. it obviously is meant to be humorous. His only real mistake here is that he sent something funny to people who he did not know and thus did not realize that they had no sense of humor. __________________ Couch to ??k - From the couch to a Marathon in roughly 18 months.

03-31-2009, 03:34 PM	#11
JediKooter Coordinator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: San Diego via Sausalito via San Jose via San Diego	They should call the team Soylent Green. __________________ I'm no longer a Chargers fan, they are dead to me Coming this summer to a movie theater near you: The Adventures of Jedikooter: Part 4

03-31-2009, 03:39 PM	#12
Mustang Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Wisconsin	If I have never met someone, I assume they have no sense of humor. __________________ You, you will regret what you have done this day. I will make you regret ever being born. Your going to wish you never left your mothers womb, where it was warm and safe... and wet. i am going to show you pain you never knew existed, you are going to see a whole new spectrum of pain, like a Rainboooow. But! This rainbow is not just like any other rainbow, its...

03-31-2009, 03:43 PM	#13
JAG Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: St. Paul, MN	Has he ever dealt with people previously? It was a really stupid decision to send that out and think that some people wouldn't be offended or even take him seriously about stuff like his HGH line (which I thought was pretty funny). For what it's worth, I agree with Jon that I liked his last paragraph.

03-31-2009, 03:48 PM	#14
Cringer Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Edinburg,TX	Copied, pasted, and saved. This letter goes out to my daughter's team in the fall. The parents on our team now probably would have taken it well, but that's because we weeded out the asshats from the fall who wouldn't have. I don't find some of it funny, but overall it was and I have no problem with the guy at all. Coaching youth soccer now I see how hard it is to find coaches who are dedicated and knowledgeable, so it sucks to see this guy have to sit out a season. __________________ You Stole Fizzy Lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and steralized, so you get NOTHING! You lose!

03-31-2009, 04:02 PM	#15
Fidatelo Pro Starter Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Winnipeg, MB	__________________ "Breakfast? Breakfast schmekfast, look at the score for God's sake. It's only the second period and I'm winning 12-2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, the Whale, they only beat Vancouver maybe once or twice in a lifetime."

03-31-2009, 04:20 PM	#17
Abe Sargent Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Catonsville, MD	I would totally want my kid playing for him. __________________ Check out my two current weekly Magic columns! https://www.coolstuffinc.com/a/?action=search&page=1&author[]=Abe%20Sargent

03-31-2009, 04:22 PM	#18
Big Fo Pro Rookie Join Date: Jan 2005	That is a fantastic piece of e-mail, even if it never should have been sent.

03-31-2009, 05:03 PM	#20
Karlifornia Grizzled Veteran Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: San Jose, CA	Not bad, not bad. __________________ Look into the mind of a crazy man (NSFW) http://www.whitepowerupdate.wordpress.com

03-31-2009, 05:42 PM	#21
Schmidty Coordinator Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Early, TX	I'd love to see those asshat parents in my 7 year-old daughter's Kenpo/ Muay Thai classes. They'd probably run out crying. Her teachers are INTENSE. They not only teach martial arts, but at the end of every class (3 times a week for an hour), they do a "powerful word" life lesson. She also has to do homework, and her school teacher is sent a monthly evaluation sheet to fill out to make sure she's being disciplined, courteous, and productive. I love it, and so does my daughter. And on last Saturday, after 5 months of hard work, she got her yellow belt!!! I was so proud. Oh and she was able to actually break a board with her foot during the ceremony!!! __________________ Just beat the devil out of it!!! - Bob Ross Last edited by Schmidty : 03-31-2009 at 05:43 PM.

03-31-2009, 06:24 PM	#23
Alan T Hall Of Famer Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Mass.	My daughter's soccer league when she was 6 didn't play in the rain and they were not allowed to wear cleats (they wore tennis shoes). I think they started wearing cleats in the 7 or 8 year old league, I don't honestly remember. __________________ Couch to ??k - From the couch to a Marathon in roughly 18 months.

03-31-2009, 06:45 PM	#25
Marc Vaughan SI Games Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Melbourne, FL	I thought his email was fine - it was obviously tongue in cheek and its a shame he was hounded out for something which was just silly really.

03-31-2009, 07:10 PM	#26
Radii Head Coach Join Date: Jul 2001	The big reason for not playing in the rain at least in the last youth soccer league I was around was to keep the quality of the fields up. The fields we played at were the site of games for multiple leagues and multiple age groups. Each field was used from 8am-5pm saturday and sunday non stop for games. If they had played during the rain those fields would have been ravaged.

03-31-2009, 07:22 PM	#29
DaddyTorgo Hall Of Famer Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Massachusetts	that's awesome. some people suck __________________ Get bent whoever hacked my pw and changed my signature.

03-31-2009, 08:06 PM	#33
sterlingice Hall Of Famer Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Back in Houston!	Since it's a Will Ferrell movie, I never saw the first and as with most of his, that's probably an apt description. SI __________________ Houston Hippopotami, III.3: 20th Anniversary Thread - All former HT players are encouraged to check it out! Janos: "Only America could produce an imbecile of your caliber!" Freakazoid: "That's because we make lots of things better than other people!"

03-31-2009, 08:08 PM	#35
Schmidty Coordinator Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Early, TX	I love Will Ferrell, and I am not ashamed. I really like his goofy stuff like Anchorman, but he really show dramatic promise in Stranger Than Fiction. __________________ Just beat the devil out of it!!! - Bob Ross

04-01-2009, 09:49 AM	#39
JonInMiddleGA Hall Of Famer Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: Behind Enemy Lines in Athens, GA	A 12 y/o referee ... good Lord, is that what things have fallen to? I'd grown willing to give it the benefit of the doubt but I may have to go back to laughing at youth soccer again. __________________ "I lit another cigarette. Unless I specifically inform you to the contrary, I am always lighting another cigarette." - from a novel by Martin Amis

04-01-2009, 09:54 AM	#40
Subby lolzcat Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: sans pants	That's the league's fault for allowing a 12 year old to ref a sporting event. __________________ Superman was flying around and saw Wonder Woman getting a tan in the nude on her balcony. Superman said I going to hit that real fast. So he flys down toward Wonder Woman to hit it and their is a loud scream. The Invincible Man scream what just hit me in the ass!!!!! I do shit, I take pictures, I write about it: chrisshue.com

04-01-2009, 10:13 AM	#43
Ksyrup This guy has posted so much, his fingers are about to fall off. Join Date: Nov 2000 Location: In Absentia	I've definitely seen some young refs who should not be handling games by themselves. They are too immature and lack confidence in themselves to make decisive calls, give proper direction to the players (usually by not motioning or speaking clearly, and basically just letting the game play itself instead of directing traffic), etc. We had one situation where a kid ref essentially handed a goal to the other team while we were subbing players he waived on, only to have him start play as our players left the field, giving the other team an uncontested goal. He didn't have the maturity/confidence to stop the play and start it over, he just kept his head down and ignored it. And on a number of out of bounds plays, he was also waiting for parents to call who the ball went out on before signalling throw-ins. Completely over his head and unprepared to call a game on his own. __________________ M's pitcher Miguel Batista: "Now, I feel like I've had everything. I've talked pitching with Sandy Koufax, had Kenny G play for me. Maybe if I could have an interview with God, then I'd be served. I'd be complete." Last edited by Ksyrup : 04-01-2009 at 10:13 AM.

04-01-2009, 10:27 AM	#45
King of New York High School Varsity Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edge of the Great Dismal Swamp	I highly doubt that the author of the email was joking, and I suspect that even a superficial investigation will reveal its tone to be consistent with his true attitude. And even if he was joking, his powers of judgment are so exceedingly poor that he should not have any position of responsibility over kids of any age. Why do I think that he was serious? Because so many parents see their children's victories, in some strange and unhealthy way, as making up for the parents' own failures, inadequacies, and disappointments in life. Is there a children's sports league in the country that does not have rabid parents who regard the outcome of their kids' games as a matter of life and death? I see them every week. I think that youth coaching tends to attract either the very best or the very worst people. __________________ Input A No Input

04-01-2009, 10:39 AM	#47
King of New York High School Varsity Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edge of the Great Dismal Swamp	Rereading the "apology": I am surprised that so many people took it, and not the initial statement, at face value, considering that he openly says in the apology that, while the initial statement was allegedly "satirical," he also really despises political correctness, and he meant much of what he said (in which case, it was not satirical!) __________________ Input A No Input Last edited by King of New York : 04-01-2009 at 10:39 AM.

04-01-2009, 12:56 PM	#50
Klinglerware College Starter Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: The DMV	While part of me thinks the idea of being on the Cobra Kai team is kind of cool and badass, ultimately I'd rather my kid train under Miyagi instead.

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