What to do for a broken heart?

[IlliniCub]

Guys I don't post here often but have lurked since the EA fof days. I always read the forum every day and see you guys as usually being worldly and possessing great wisdom. I know this isn't an advice forum but You guys are always supportive of others. I'm 27 years old had a great girl thought everything was fine and then bam out of nowhere get a text last night basically saying we're done. I was blindsided. I really loved her. Now she's waffling on it a bit and saying shes confused about life and wants to be less serious about things for a while and not sure if she loves me as a lover or best friend now. We seemed perfect together and I hold out hope that she'll miss me and realize what we have but who knows. I guess what I wanna know and ask is what makes it better? I'm hurting. I know there's no cure but any advice is appreciated! I'm really struggling with this thinking that the pweson I care about most could possibly not be in my life anymore. Thank you.

[CU Tiger]

Sorry to hear, man.

Id try to get her to sit down and talk and get to the bottom of those feelings. See if someone else is on her mind or if she is just fearing "domestication"..

If its someone else cut bait and move on while its cheap to do. IF its just the fear of settling down try to give her breathing room and support.

If all else fails, drink til your liver hurts and smash a rebound piece...
J/K kinda

[IlliniCub]

The quick phonecall I had with her she said no one else and I believe her she's a crappy liar when she does lie. She said that it was wanting to feel a little more independent for a while and figure out her life a little bit and that she knows were perfect for each other but is worried shes starting to love me more as a best friend than lover. She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

[Julio Riddols]

The way I dealt with my biggest instance of heartbreak was to remind myself constantly that wasting time caring for someone who doesn't even know how they feel about you is pointless. For me, the realization that having some me time would be good helped. I spent a lot of time with friends, just living the single life, enjoying my freedom. There is something to be said for not having anyone to answer to.

To me, this says she is interested in someone else more than you and is having a hard time just coming out with it because she doesn't want to hurt you that bad. The worst part about that is that the games and the constant will she/won't she is going to be a lot worse than just cutting loose and finding someone who will appreciate you.

Best bet in my opinion is to sever ties completely and forget about her as a potential love interest. It's not worth the time and effort to try and hold on to someone like this and it'll most likely do a lot more harm than good to try and salvage. Her loss.

[Julio Riddols]

Also, if she just wants space or whatever, let her have it, see what happens. Just don't let it stop you from exploring any other avenues that may be available to you. You may surprise yourself by meeting someone better.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Busy busy busy, keep your mind occupied as best you can. It's your enemy right now afaic. Whatever will happen will almost certainly happen, I don't get a sense that there's anything you've done/not done so there's likely little you can do/undo.

Best of luck.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks guys it helps a lot...I mean I put my cards on the table and she knows how I feel I'll see her a couple times and lay off and not text try to let her miss me and it'll either happen or it wont. I guess I just gotta leave the ball in her court now as tough as that is and what happens happens.

[cuervo72]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

Hmm, let's see if I've learned anything from Captain Caveman at KSK.

Fuck that noise. If you are broken up, then you are broken up. You need to cut things off completely and get on with the healing process. That can't happen if she is dicking with your emotions by keeping you around on her terms as her fallback/security blanket.

Spend time on you. Hang out with your friends, do things that you like. Take the extra time to improve yourself in some way. Work out, take up a hobby, do some charity work. Put yourself in a good position for when you are ready to resume dating and better girls come along, which they will.

[IlliniCub]

If I love her and she in a few days says she's figured it out and wants to be together I mean should I give it a shot?

[EagleFan]

Via text? If she can't even tell you to your face then she isn't worth it.

[Umbrella]

Been there, and although this isn't what you want to hear, there's nothing that makes it better except for time.

If you want my advice, try not to wallow in it too much. This is similar to Jon's advice, but get out with some friends who you trust. Try and have fun. You won't be having much fun, but fake it. Your friends will have your back. I would probably stay away from boozing it up with your friends though, as this could make the depression worse. Go bowling, play poker, do something which will keep your mind and/or body active.

Eventually, faking having fun will turn into actually having fun. I'm not going to cover whether or not you should be trying to win her back, because only you can decide. But a mopey depressed dude is completely unattractive. Which is another benefit of going out and living life well.

Like I said, this will be tough to do, but I know this advice has helped myself, and others I know.

[tarcone]

Listen to yourself. Listen to your heart. If she does that and you FEEL its the right thing, then go fo rit.
But listen to these other guys. Dont moon over the loss. Get out and enjoy yourself. Trust me, if you dont and get back with her, you will be wondering about what ifs. Like What if she is just using me? What if she finds someone she loves more. What ifs are a bad thing.

Personally, if she wants back , I would tell her you want some time to think about it. This gives both of you a little space and time.
Wait a few days then respond to her. Dont let your feelings of need and security blind you. Its scary being single after a relationship. Maybe she isnt the ONE. Maybe she is. Time will tell.

[tarcone]

And, really, what could break your heart more then being and Illini and Cub fan? Shoot Disappointment is bred into you.

[IlliniCub]

True....haha I never thought I'd feel worse pain than game 5 of the nlcs in 2003!

[IlliniCub]

Just seeing that you guys have been through it and that there's life after helps so much sometimes we just need a goal to shoot for. Basically I'm willing to see her again a time or two and see what happens but I'm not going to beg anymore or try to force it. If she comes back she does and if not well I'll find a way to survive. It's just I was so sure she was the one. I'll get through this and I thank you guys so much. I need to be more active around here

[RedKingGold]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA

Busy busy busy, keep your mind occupied as best you can. It's your enemy right now afaic. Whatever will happen will almost certainly happen, I don't get a sense that there's anything you've done/not done so there's likely little you can do/undo.

Best of luck.

This. The only thing that really helps is time, doing happy stuff during the interim will get you there sooner.

[molson]

Originally Posted by CU Tiger

smash a rebound piece

That's the title of my album coming out next week. Or, I wish it was.

[tarcone]

Shoot. I was engaged twice. I was WAY to immature for what I committed to. And it was probably better for the girls to leave me then marry me. So, time is a great thing in that sense. I was hurt by the 1st one. But only because I had moved 350 miles from home with her. But I survived. The 2nd one was a blessing. I wasnt ready and would have ruined her life. So, looking back on my experience, the breaj ups were a positive for all involved.

Then there was the girl that the other guy wanted. I was "dating" her and he wanted to. I told him to go for it. They ended up getting married. I sure wasnt ready for that. But she was. And I guess he was too.

II wasnt mature enough in my 20s to get married. it took a couple major life changes to figure it out and for me to grow up.

Dont think that this is the one. Unless she is.

[molson]

I don't have any advice about whatever remains of the relationship, but if the times come that you are just moving forward, the formula is simple, time + stuff. Time is the easy one, that will go forward no matter what, and things do get better. Every second, you have more distance, and every second, you're in a better place, the occasional setback not withstanding. Throwing in some "stuff" makes the process go faster. Stuff can be anything - re-connecting with an old friend, a home improvement project, taking a trip - you just need to remember you are a valuable and productive person whose value is not tied to anyone in particular. Once you remind your soul of that, by doing lots of stuff, having all these new great and productive experiences even without her, the healing accelerates.

[IlliniCub]

Haha I kind of am thinking of looking for a rebound piece tonight as I sit here drinking. I figure it will work or it doesn't and if we do get back together later this is my chance so maybe i should seize it

[Lathum]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

The quick phonecall I had with her she said no one else and I believe her she's a crappy liar when she does lie. She said that it was wanting to feel a little more independent for a while and figure out her life a little bit and that she knows were perfect for each other but is worried shes starting to love me more as a best friend than lover. She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

This would end it for me right now. My wife is my best friend and lover and I wouldn't marry anyone who isn't.

[JPhillips]

This won't help you, and she won't want to hear it, but moving from the passionate phase to the mature phase is part of a committed long-term relationship. It doesn't mean you don't fire up the passion from time to time, but you can't live forever in that state. Relationships change and develop over time and it can be scarey to pass from one phase to another.

[PurdueBrad]

Damn Illini, I'm very, very sorry. My worst case was when I dated a girl for 6 years (17-23) and, like you, she broke up with me via a voice message (the 2001 version of a text!). I'll tell you, it lingered a lot longer than I ever imagined it could. I threw myself fully into my friends and going out which, in the short term, felt good but honestly set me back work-wise. We went out drinking two nights a week until 2 or 3 am and two other nights a week we did strip clubs until the same time which, given that I typically had to be at work by 6 was brutal. This went on for about a year until I flamed out socially and professionally.

I think my biggest mistake in all of this was not taking time to be alone some and to date around a bit. I became the "fun friend" that never said no to going out which just kept me occupied. It's hard to think of right now, I'm sure, but do take some time just to do stuff solo and to casually date. I turned down several offers to date because I had plans with my friends and convinced myself that the loyalty there was more important.

Really, there's no great answer but those were my mistakes. Good luck Illini and sorry this had to happen.

[tarcone]

Originally Posted by JPhillips

This won't help you, and she won't want to hear it, but moving from the passionate phase to the mature phase is part of a committed long-term relationship. It doesn't mean you don't fire up the passion from time to time, but you can't live forever in that state. Relationships change and develop over time and it can be scarey to pass from one phase to another.

Great point. There are times I would rather not be around my wife. She is my best friend and lover. But Im a dude that loves my me time. But i realize that I cant live in that state all the time. Maybe for a day, at most. And Im sure my wife gets sick of me. But being in a mature relationship, you plug through those low points and your relationship is better for it.

Maturity is an amazing thing.

[IlliniCub]

Thanks guys you have improved my morale ten fold tonight.

[tramel321]

their is someone else in the mix,move on asap,been their done that,the very best thing you can do is move on,about the time you stop caring will be the time she wants to come crawling back,let her come back on your terms,treat her like shit an bang as many other women as possible an generally don't give a fuck about her,works great,i speak from experience

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by Lathum

This would end it for me right now. My wife is my best friend and lover and I wouldn't marry anyone who isn't.

Eh, for me, I believe that's a largely unreasonable standard to expect. Great to get it if it works out that way, not necessarily a requirement for marriage or even a successful marriage.

Hmm, that last phrase -- "successful marriage" -- is a pretty loaded one all by itself. Not sure this thread is the proper place to try to define it tbh, but the concept itself (and what it means to an individual) is one that seems relevant to the situation long term perhaps.

[IlliniCub]

It could be worse...we're not married and there are no kids involved...so there are some positives

[Suicane75]

Here's my advice for tonight.

[IlliniCub]

Haha all but the smoking I love suicane...im actually doing vodka and wine.....and I do love some billy bragg especially the albums he did with wilco

[BlackJack]

Don't forget the hookers.

[Desnudo]

And Las Vegas

[IlliniCub]

Haha I live in Illinois and vegas is quite far away...otherwise it'd be on the option list

[Ajaxab]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation Illini. If anything, you can be grateful that this is happening now instead of after being married for awhile. I'm going through the same thing, but the difference is that I'm working from 12+ years of marriage. It completely sucks. I feel your pain.

[IlliniCub]

Guys I honestly have tears in my eyes at the compassion you've shown in my hour of need. Im not there yet but damned if you guys don't have me on the road to recovery i think

[IlliniCub]

Harry Nillsons " You;re breaking my heart" is also so great for these situations! so reccommended

[nol]

Originally Posted by JonInMiddleGA;28700[/u

, I believe that's a largely unreasonable standard to expect. Great to get it if it works out that way, not necessarily a requirement for marriage or even a successful marriage.

Hmm, that last phrase -- "successful marriage" -- is a pretty loaded one all by itself. Not sure this thread is the proper place to try to define it tbh, but the concept itself (and what it means to an individual) is one that seems relevant to the situation long term perhaps.

With you on that one, Jon. It's become such a cliche on social media for people to talk about marrying their best friend that I'll be tempted to post something like "Today is the day I marry someone who is definitely one of my top five friends. Probably number one among all females though!" on Facebook when I eventually tie the knot.

[IlliniCub]

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

[korme]

Not even close man

[JonInMiddleGA]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

Utter & complete bullshit right there.

I was 26 when I got married ... and in hindsight probably shoulda put it off another decade or so.

The "right age" to get married is when you're ready (as much as anybody ever really is), when the right person is ready and when you're both ready. If that's 22, 42, 62 or 82 ... whatever.

At the moment I have two different friends/acquaintances getting married at 57, another doing it (for the first time) at 35, another at +/- 28.

[RainMaker]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I'm 33 and having no problems in the dating world. If anything I think people are waiting much longer to get married and have kids.

[RainMaker]

My advice might be different, but I honestly feel like severing is the best. If she doesn't want to be with you, that's it. Waffling back and forth, seeing her here and there, all that other in-between stuff won't help getting over her. It's just her keeping you in her back pocket. It's emotionally draining and will devastate you when she starts seeing someone else.

There isn't a cure for getting over it. It's mainly just time. Finding someone new helps a lot too. My advice is to focus on yourself. Hit the gym, put more into your career, improve yourself. Then head back into the dating game and have fun. I know some people make fun of it, but online dating kicks ass.

[Solecismic]

It's good to let yourself wallow a little for a while. Take a deep breath, suck in the pain, let yourself experience it.

Try to remember what it felt like when things were good. Now realize just how far away you are from those moments. It's never worth pursuing the past.

When you've done some healing, you have a great opportunity - an opportunity to learn and take inventory and reinvent yourself. You can be a different person next time. You can experience new highs.

[tarcone]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I was 30. Its not the age its the maturity. I could barely take care of myself in my 20s. 27 was the age I started to figure it out. But I really didnt figure it out.
Then it took me about 3 years of marriage and 2 kids to really start maturing. And boy I havent reached a high level of maturity yet. Just enough to hang on. Dont worry about age. Worry about the right girl at the right time.

[tarcone]

27 was when I met the 19 year old virgin. But thats a whole nother story. Then I met my wife at 29. Age is relative man

[Matthean]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

I guess what I wanna know and ask is what makes it better?

Her knowing what she wants. Period. There is nothing for you to help out with. This is on her. Until she figures it out and you are still single, be single.

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

(shakes cane)

Get off my lawn. As long as you are willing to date woman around 30, you should be good to go. The dating pool becomes a puddle after that depending on what you are looking for.

[BYU 14]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

I would actually argue you that your "best" years for marriage lie ahead. I got married young the first time, married 19 years and it was a disaster for many of them. How me kids turned out as good as they did I have no idea.

I have been with my current wife 11 years, married 8 (I got married the second time at the age of 42) and with the exception of one very rough month it has been amazing.

There is lots of good advice in this thread and relationships are in a constant state of evolution and require work, recognition (of that evolution) and understanding.

Give her the space she wants, but also make your own terms. You can, and should, be both friends and lovers in a complete relationship, but if you are both not on that page it can be heartbreaking if one party is more vested than the other.

Doing things with her as a "friend" right now would probably be more agonizing than gratifying and you need to let her know that. Make sure she understands that you need to work through this too and because you still have deep feelings for her you can't be on a roller coaster.

Communicate, listen and express, just don't push too much. Apart from that time will heal and give you both the chance to sort through your feelings.

One way or another things will work out best for you. Don't do anything rash and let things play out however they do and remember you only have so much control.

Best of luck!

[britrock88]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

Harry Nillsons " You;re breaking my heart" is also so great for these situations! so reccommended

Love Nilsson. In this kind of mood, how about "I'll Never Leave You"?

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

The quick phonecall I had with her she said no one else and I believe her she's a crappy liar when she does lie. She said that it was wanting to feel a little more independent for a while and figure out her life a little bit and that she knows were perfect for each other but is worried shes starting to love me more as a best friend than lover. She says she still wants to do stuff with me and be with me just isn't sure about things right now....so I dont know

She's probably telling you the truth, but don't let that get your hopes up too high. I faced a similar conversation just about two years ago; it was basically the end of things. So even if there is some soul-searching on her part over the coming days or weeks, you have to mentally acknowledge that things are likely coming to an end. If you have any lingering questions about your relationship, take the chance to try to get a straight answer out of her while you have an opportunity... though I wouldn't expect much in the way of straight answers.

Time really is the best salve. You'll spend a lot of time thinking, which is okay; just don't think so much that you make certain determinations about yourself and act on them. I think time for you is in order, given you may have to adjust to that circumstance soon. I wouldn't party too hard, and I wouldn't suffer privately too much, but there is certainly room for a little of each.

Just out of curiosity (don't feel compelled to answer), have you two been together for more than 2 years or so? I read soooo much and hear from my mother (a marriage therapist/MSW) about phases of love, and how after infatuation gives way to romantic love, you can ride that out to 18-36 months, and not too much longer. After that time period, couples tend to either settle into companionate love, or, finding the romance to be missing, take it as a sign to break up.

I'm probably no more special than anyone else on the board in terms of what I can tell you, but I'm certainly a sympathetic/willing ear. Best of luck; hope you're treating yourself alright. A drink and some good music to lose yourself in is one of the better ways to bide the time at the moment.

[Flasch186]

busy busy busy. Love yourself a ton and as you enjoy life to its fullest someoen (maybe her) will say, "holy shit, look at how much that guy enjoys life. I want some of that enjoyment." and theyll be clamoring for you to let them into what you have going on.

[Desnudo]

Originally Posted by IlliniCub

So I worry that at 27 I'm over the hill for marriage if this doesn't work out? is that so?

Not at all. Especially not as a guy.