Life Stuff

[Honolulu_Blue]

It's still weird to me that I (and many others) have been around this place for almost 14 years now, and longer if you go back to the original board. I've never been one to share all that much about my personal life over those 14-15 years, but the last several months have been... eventful.

Back in January my wife and I decided to try for kids and did IVF. It took the first time through and she became pregnant with twin girls.

At the end of May of this year, my wife of 9 and 1/2 years took her own life.

She had suffered through a pretty bad bout of depression from around November 2012 through August 2013. She seemed to have come out of it and fully recovered. I think, however, a combination of the hormones from the IVF and being pregnant with twins, either triggered a relapse or enhanced her underlying depression.

On Friday, May 30th, I left for work like any other day. We had breakfast in the kitchen, talked about whatever people talk about on a Friday morning, we had guys there to turn on our air conditioning, totally normal morning. I say goodbye, go to work, come home, and she's gone. The rest is what you'd expect, not worrying, worrying, trying everything to find her, etc. It turns out that, at some point on Friday morning, she left the house and drove to West Virginia. At about 5:30 am Saturday morning someone spotted her standing on the New River Gorge Bridge and called 911. A deputy drove up, saw her standing there. They made eye contact and she jumped before he got one foot out of the car.

I know it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have said or done to prevent what occurred. She was very smart and determined. She drove far away to be sure that I wouldn't be the one to find her. She did not want that. She wanted to do something that was certain (jump off a 600 ft. high bridge). She couldn't fathom being "hospitalized" and pitied (she hated being pitied above almost anything) as some poor crazy woman who tried to kill herself and failed. She didn't want to trouble anyone with either her life or her death. She turned her phone off so she couldn't be tracked, hand wrote the directions, erased the internet history on her computer, and had about $300 worth of cash on her, so she couldn't be tracked via credit cards. She wanted to quietly exit stage left and do so with as little trauma and pain as possible to those she cared about, me in particular. In her mind, what she was doing was an act of love. There was nothing I could have done. It took about a week, week and a half, before I accepted this and finally knew it, but I've been there for a long time now.

Despite the lack of any note or communication about what she was thinking or why she did what she did, I have a very clear idea of both. While I don't, and never will agree with it, I understand what, in her mind, she thought she was doing and why.

Initially, I went through a cycle: disbelief, grief, and anger. Disbelief was the strongest for a while, but that faded. I guess, to be a cliche, I came to accept what happened. So, yeah, acceptance seems to be the first stage. (I think it's the official First Stage of Grief (tm), but I'm not sure and too lazy to check at the moment.)

Anger also lingered for a while, but that too faded once I started to really think about depression and mental diseases in general and viewed them more as, well, an actual disease, a defect no different than a heart abnormality that leads to a heart attack, or cells dividing and growing so rapidly that they become cancerous. So, with that thinking, anger was largely gone. You don't get angry at someone because their heart is defected or because their cells go crazy. At least my anger at her was completely gone, as opposed to anger or frustration at the situation. I have nothing but empathy for her. She tried everything she could, everything, to get better. To be right. Nothing worked.

So that leaves me with grief. I have grief. I will always have this grief. I experienced this when nephew Julian died as a result of a brain tumor 3 years ago. To me, it's like there's been holes ripped into my soul. They will never heal. Ever. They grow smaller over time, but will never completely close. They will always ache, but as time goes on they ache less frequently and the pain doesn't last as long. I have a few such holes now, as anyone around our age likely does, though perhaps mine are a bit deeper and larger than most, but they are not at all all encompassing. They do not define me. Even now. when the grief comes, it comes sudden (sometimes unexpectedly) and then passes quite quickly. It is not a realm in which I choose to dwell.

Life is for the living and it's too short to spend a lot of time looking backward at only pain, grief, and tragedy. I'm not a sad, moping person who enjoys wallowing in, or even just sort of spending a significant amount of time with, or just contemplating, grief. I don't avoid it, repress it, or feel the need to be some sort of stoic manly man about it. I embrace my grief, let it wash over me completely and entirely, and then come out the other side.

When I do look back now, it's almost always at the better times I had with my wife and all of the wonderful things she taught me and all the ways she helped, if not down right forced, me to grow into the better person I am today. While we can't always choose where our mind goes, once we realize what it's doing (not always easy), we can re-direct it and that shift, subtle as it may be sometimes, can make all of the difference.

So, for whatever it's worth, that's where I'm at with all of this three months later. I don't have any unresolved issues (at least that I'm aware of and I think I would be). I have no sense of things lingering under the surface or in dark corners. Granted, while I don't foresee any significant, lurking issues to deal with, it would be foolish to think with complete certainty that none exist. It is possible that at some point along the way I stumble across some hidden balrog associated with all that's happened that I was unaware of and have to deal with it. I don't see it happening, but it's one of those "unknown unknown" situations.

So, where does this leave me?

I'm now a single 40-year old guy with a slightly anti-social dog. I live in a house that I love and can afford, but is admittedly a bit large for a boy and his dog. I have a great job that I really enjoy. I'm very lucky to have all of my immediate family within 20 minutes of me and we're all close. I also have a very strong network of friends near and far. I've always been lucky in that. It's been three months now and I don't feel like I have all that much more to process.

I kind of want to get started with the next chapter of my life - I ain't getting any younger (none of us are)- but I'm not sure the outside world is quite ready for me to do that.

Thanks for listening.

H_B

[DaddyTorgo]

Jeezus Christ H_B - I'm sorry to hear that man.

That's absolutely terrible - my heart breaks for you man.

I...I don't even know what to say.

[Blackadar]

I'm so sorry HB. My condolences and prayers go out to you and yours.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I have no words that would be sufficient. Prayers & condolences to all those touched by this.

May your healing continue, surely & steadily.

[cuervo72]

Dear God, H_B. I'm so sorry. Sounds like you're dealing with it as good as anyone could be expected, but damn.

[cartman]

Damn, H_B. That is a lot to deal with. As for the stages, I glad to see you won't be surprised if earlier ones pop up and reappear. Dealing with something like this isn't a checklist. Hopefully you have a support system in place to assist you when you need it.

[CraigSca]

Wow. Dumbfounded. Can't imagine what you are going through, though you tried your best to express it in your post. Can only wish you good luck and have you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.

[flere-imsaho]

So, so sorry to hear this, H_B. You have my thoughts and condolences.

[Vince, Pt. II]

Heartbreaking story. If there were something any of us could do, we'd be happy to do it. Keeping you in my thoughts!

[Izulde]

Nothing most of us can say other than we're sorry to hear of something so awful, respect your ability to work through this as best as you, or really anyone, can, and offer hope and prayers/good thoughts for you going forward.

[Radii]

Oh god I'm so, so sorry H_B, no one should have to go through any of this. Stay strong, man.

[Flasch186]

woah

[Castlerock]

So, so sorry. Any words I think to type just seem so lacking.

[Neuqua]

Thanks for sharing. Best of luck to you moving forward.

[Eaglesfan27]

I am teary for your loss. I wish there was something I could do for you. You and your family will be in my prayers.

[Kodos]

Such a heart-breaking story. From the sounds of it, you are dealing with it pretty well, but still, what a horrible situation. I can't imagine having to go through that. You have my sympathy, and it feels empty even as I say it, if there is anything any of us can do to help, even if it is just to listen for a bit, please reach out. FOFC is a great bunch of guys when it comes to helping someone in need.

[PilotMan]

So sorry H_B. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm happy that you've been able to move along from this time in your life. I applaud your fortitude in all of this. I can't even imagine how you dealt with it. As always you have your support and love of your FOFC brethren.

[JediKooter]

I can not find the words that can come close to expressing how sorry I am HB. I wish you the best and definitely take advantage of your support group, whether it's family, friends or here and all of the above.

[law90026]

So sorry to hear and I wish you all the best moving forward

[Travis]

H_B you are in my thoughts and prayers. Reading your journey above I can't help but admire the mindset, courage and compassion you've shown. I hope this is repaid to you 100x over moving forward and that you're able to find the sort of home life that you'd like as you quite deserve it.

[MacroGuru]

H_B - Wow, it brought tears to my eyes. My prayers / thoughts / good wishes are being sent to you. I applaud you for your coping ability and desire to move forward.

[CleBrownsfan]

Very sorry to read this HB. I can't imagine going through what you have been through these last few months. My thoughts are with you and those effected.

I never have experienced what you've been through but reading your post really makes me applaud your process to "understand" the situation. I envy your strength - I don't know if I would have the same.

[Chief Rum]

See, now look what you have done. You have me feeling bad and emotional about a Wings fan. I mean, WTH, H_Blue?

Seriously, though, man, that's pretty powerful. And from what you posted, you have handled it a lot better than most. You have a healthy perspective on a horrible tragedy in your life, and that can only help you moving forward.

I think you have a good handle on things, but we're certainly here if you need us.

[oykib]

That's awful, man. I can't even express how much I'm sorry for your loss.

[path12]

You're one of my favorite posters on this board. Thank you for sharing that and I am so sorry for your loss. I've also dealt with suicide up close and empathize.

Depression is a terrible disease.

[Pyser]

holy crap. so sorry to hear that.

[albionmoonlight]

Thoughts and prayers. So sorry.

[Qwikshot]

Originally Posted by JediKooter

I can not find the words that can come close to expressing how sorry I am HB. I wish you the best and definitely take advantage of your support group, whether it's family, friends or here and all of the above.

I'm going to echo this. I cannot fathom how I would react to this. You are in my thoughts.

[flounder]

I wish there was something I could say. I'm so sorry.

[Marc Vaughan]

Really sorry to hear about recent events, hang in there and if there is ever anything I can do however small drop me a PM.

[Lathum]

Unbelievably sad.

Your post was one of the most well written I have ever seen, you really captured your emotion.

I can't even imagine what you went and are going through, I hope you stay strong and keep a clear head.

My brother in law took his own life about 12 years ago, on Christmas Eve, so I know first hand what effect that can have on those around them. I admire your attitude about it.

[Bobble]

Wow. Thoughts and prayers is all I can think to say, HB. I can only hope I'd handle something like that half as well as you are.

Royal Oak is only a half an hour away from me if you need someone to share a beer with.

[timmae]

Thinking of you man... It changed the way I will greet my wife when I see her in about 5 minutes. Whatever you need we are here!

[Sweed]

So sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like. I truly admire you and the way you have thought through the whole situation with understanding instead of anger. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Solecismic]

I'm very sorry to read about your loss. Sometimes, there's just no way to know or understand the private demons people are keeping.

[terpkristin]

Wow. There are no words for what you've been through or your amazing resolve to pick up. Thinking of you.

/tk

[EagleFan]

Sorry for what you have gone through. Wishing you the best in the future.

[Draft Dodger]

I am so sorry, my friend.

I am truly amazed at how well you seem to be handling it; it's a true testament to your character.

[JPhillips]

Words fail. Take care.

[Dutch]

I'm terribly sorry, my sincere condolences.

[PurdueBrad]

H_B, with all sincerity, my family wishes you well and we're very sorry you've had to endure this. I was truly speechless after I read it and had to share it with my wife because of how heartsick I felt with you. As many of us have offered, if you need anything, let us know.

[IlliniCub]

HB that sucks and I feel for you. I'm going through a shitty breakup myself and it doesn't even compare to yours. The pain sucks man. Depression is scary stuff and I think the underlying cause for my situation. You'll be in my thoughts and I'll pray for your healing. My heart really is breaking for you right now.

[sterlingice]

Prayers and thoughts to you. I don't really know what else to say

SI

[RomaGoth]

I rarely come around here these days, busy with the job and family but your thread title intrigued me so I decided to take a peek. All I can say is wow, you have been through quite a bit these past few months (and probably before that as well). I am so sorry for your loss, perhaps you are reconciled with things now; but one can never fully leave that place of having a partner one day and nobody the next without some type of consequence. Isn't it odd how we tend to take things for granted in life, then something tramatic occurs, we appreciate what we have for awhile and then go back to taking it all for granted again until the next big life event. I am glad you have a solid foundation of family and friends around you.

[digamma]

Wow. My thoughts and prayers certainly go out to you.

Many times you may hear people say "stay strong." I offer the opposite advice. Stay vulnerable. There is a danger in becoming hardened. Feel as much as you can.

And all my best.

[Edward64]

Very sorry for all you've been through. Please take care of yourself and make sure you have someone to talk to if/when needed.

[Warhammer]

Prayers and positive thoughts headed your way. Stay positive and make sure to maintain your support network.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Fellas (and lady), thanks for all of the kind words, support and advice. I greatly appreciate it.

This is the only message board/on-line community I've ever considered myself a member of and there's a reason for that.

Thanks again.

[CU Tiger]

I'm late to the party having just seen this.
But I can't imagine. Sounds like you are doing amazing given the circumstances. You are definitely in my prayers.

[Icy]

I'm very sorry about you have been through.

Seems you are handling it the best possible way, staying positive looking forward and not staying tied to the past.

When we lost our first daughter a week after she was born, we went through all the same stages. From hard to believe, why to us, anger at the hospital and docs, to finally acceptance and moving forward helped by your close circle, name it friends, family, support groups or whatever helps you.

Once you decide the later (that of course can take time) you are ready to start living again. We have two kids now and our first daughter is still in our minds and we have pictures of her at home, told about her to our kids, but it's not as painful to remember anymore.

You won't ever forget nor you want to, your wife was a huge part in your life, but you will slowly start enjoying this life (full of ups and downs) again.