My Situation

[Hawaii Warrior]

I'm an old timer at a couple of these boards and I need an opinion on something that's been troubling me. I would appreciate any insight on this situation.

Amanda (my ex-girlfriend) and I were dating about a month ago. We loved each other so much, pretty much inseperable. I met her at our working place where we were both book shelvers in the library. It started off with playful flirting and finally I worked up the guts to ask her out. Only I didn't, she beat me to it. She's an abosolute knock-out with a brain in her head and a good heart. A rare catch these days. So a week later we're loving life together, everything seemed so right, at times too good to be true. Her parents loved me, her brother and I were so cool. I thought this was the real deal.

Anyway, on July 18th it was our big day. She was going to come meet my parents and then all of my friends would meet her too at a movie we were going to see "How To Deal". As it turns out, all of my friends loved her too. After the movie was through my best friend needed a ride home so I said I'll take him. On the way to my best friend's house one of my other friends called me on my cellphone and asked if we wanted to hang out with him. I asked Amanda, who was in the car also, and my best friend Troy if it was cool if we went back. Everyone said OK. I turned the car around and for some reason started speeding. I believe I hit 80mph in a 25mph zone. The ground was a little slick and I couldnt handle a sharp turn. I lost control of the car and it skidded 65 ft. before we slammed into a tree going at about 35mph. Luckily, no one in the car was hurt. I almost killed my best friend, and the girl I loved the most.

After the crash and everything I wrote apology letters to both Amanda and her family. In the family's letter I expressed my great sorrow. In Amanda's, I confessed my love. I brought her a vase of roses everyday for 2 weeks. After they recieved the letters Amanda's father came out took shake my hand and say that he accepts my apology. I thought I was OK after that. When I got home, Amanda gave me a call. She said it was better if we stay friends for now. I was devastated. I lost the girl that I loved because of my stupidity. I asked her why and she said that it was her partly her decision but mostly her parents. She said she just needed some time. My depression got to a point where my parents had to sleep shifts watching me so that I wouldnt commit suicide or do anything stupid.

A week went by after she told me she wanted to be friends. When she told me on the phone that it was best we stayed friends for now, I told her that was OK, that she needed some time to think and that I'd wait for her. I'd wait my whole life if I had to because what we had was so right. She said she'd get into fights with her parents because she wanted to be with me. I asked her if she wanted the relationship as much as I did and if she'd do anything to make it work. She answered "Yes" sincerely to both of the questions. So I figured, this is going to be tough but I'll get through it knowing that she's with me.

The thing was though, I was suffering so much inside from the pain of waiting that it just wasn't healthy anymore. So I asked her to make a decision about a week later. Either she wanted me or not. Amanda couldn't answer the question. So I told her to just break my heart already. It hurt too much and I couldn't handle it. I was at the point of moving on with my life already even though I still had feelings about her. She said she still couldnt break my heart but had something to tell me. Apparently, her parents set her up with another guy so she could forget about me.

That's when I snapped. She didnt want to break my heart so I broke hers. I yelled in the library "Fuck that bitch, I'm breaking up with you. Every morning when I got up, there was always this glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe today would be the day that you would come back to me. And to find out that when I was at home suffering, and waiting, you were out with another guy. Fuck this bitch." and I stormed out.

I saw her the other day when I was leaving work and apologized for my language and the outburst. She said she deserved it. When I was leaving she gave me this look. It was one of those, "I miss you so much, I still want to be with you." kind of looks. So I don't know. I still love her and I still have feelings for her but I dont know if this is worth pursuing because she's seeing another guy.

It took a lot to get this out of me but I felt that I needed to get it out badly. I've been suffering through most of this all alone. I'm not one that opens up to people much. I would appreciate if you all gave me a sincere opinion of what you I should do and of what's going on. Thank you.

[Airhog]

If you love someone, set them free, if they come back, it was meant to be.

[Franklinnoble]

The Ladies Man recommends you try doin' it in the butt.

[Draft Dodger]

well, I like Franklin's answer, but anyways...

how old are you? more importantly, how old is she? the fact that her parents are deciding who she does and doesn't go out with is setting off some huge warning signs in my head.

either a) she's using them as an excuse to give you a runaround or b) her parents really do control her life. either way, you're probably headed for a big pain in the ass...and given your state of mind, I'm not sure that's a great idea.

no chick is worth contemplating suicide over.

[Ben E Lou]

Hawaii:

How old are you (and her) and what are your situations in life? Specifically, I'm wondering if she is still living at home, or financially supported by her parents. If she is, it is going to be VERY difficult, and likely unwise, to continue the relationship if they are dead-set against it, as it appears they are. As hard as it will be, I'd move on for now.

[mckerney]

One thing I've learned is that you can't treat every situation as life or death, because you'll die a lot of times.

[mrsimperless]

First learn to love yourself. Then you can worry about loving another person. Then after that you can worry about loving that other person in the butt.

[condors]

i think you should not give her another thought

she openly sees another guy

until she dumps him and wants to give it another try there is really nothing to think about (and this is not something you should suggest to her she needs to do it on her own)

best of luck

[GrantDawg]

This too will pass. You might not want to believe it, but this is all temporary. Don't waste time pining on this one. You will find another, or better yet find happiness with yourself before you find another.

[TLK]

In my opinion, there seems to be too many bridges burnt. Once you get the rents' on your bad-side, you minds well just end it. No matter if you think you recovered in their eyes, they will always remember what you did, to piss them off in the first place.

My best advice to you is to move on. I've been in your shoes before and it sucks, but it'll make you smarter for any relationships you have in the future.

TLK

PS- However, if there are ever those nights where she needs a little loving, try the butt thing :D:D:D .......

[samifan24]

Hawaii- Keep your head up man. In the end, you have to be happy and it really seems that you're anything but at this point. If her parents are really controlling her every move it might just be better to walk away and explore other options. I know that right now that may seem really hard but you don't deserve so much pain and heartache. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Remember, keep your head up. Things will get better, just give it some time.

[Hawaii Warrior]

Originally posted by SkyDog
Hawaii:

How old are you (and her) and what are your situations in life? Specifically, I'm wondering if she is still living at home, or financially supported by her parents. If she is, it is going to be VERY difficult, and likely unwise, to continue the relationship if they are dead-set against it, as it appears they are. As hard as it will be, I'd move on for now.

I'm 18, she's 20. She is financially dependant on her parents. I've tried moving on, believe me. It's just, everything I touch, everywhere I go, anything I do, it reminds me of her. It's almost as if she's haunting me. I've had many of girlfriends before her so I dont know why this one is so hard to put past me. The reason why I was contemplating suicide is the fact that I almost took my best friend's life and the girl that I love away from this world because of a stupid mistake. I pride myself on not making stupid mistakes...

[cuervo72]

Originally posted by Hawaii Warrior
I pride myself on not making stupid mistakes...

I think suicide is the biggest mistake anyone could make.

Besides, she, you, and your best friend are still alive. Be thankful that despite a lapse in judgement (one that many make), someone was looking out for you and made sure you made it out ok, just a little shaken up. We all make mistakes for various reasons, and they often times help make us stronger and wiser.

[mrsimperless]

It is completely unreasonable to believe that you will never make mistakes. We all do. However, you need to learn from your mistakes and not let yourself become consumed by them. It is all in your outlook and your attitude. I know it is easier said than done. Best of luck.

[cthomer5000]

you're only 18. don't worry, there are still plenty of frustrating relationships to come.

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Hawaii Warrior
I'm an old timer at a couple of these boards and I need an opinion on something that's been troubling me. I would appreciate any insight on this situation.

Amanda (my ex-girlfriend) and I were dating about a month ago.

Meat of the article snipped

We loved each other so much, pretty much inseperable. I met she just needed some time. My depression got to a point where my parents had to sleep shifts watching me so that I wouldnt commit suicide or do anything stupid.



I am surprised that this hasn't been touched on by the others, but I would suggest counselling, IMMEDIATELY. It sounds as though you have been through an awful lot, with the accident, the guilt over it, the break up, and everything else. I would strongly recommend somebody in the mental health field to help you sort out the worst of this. The suicidal thoughts make this a must.

Good luck.

[sabotai]

Hawaii, I have been there and I can help. (Well, maybe...)

I had a girlfriend who was the only girl (thus far) that I have loved. Her life is completely ran by her mother. All of the problems me and this girl had stem from her mother.

To make a VERY long story short, we are not together anymore.

You say she's 20, but still finacially supported by her parents. This would be a nice excuse if you two were just forbidden from seeing each other. It's not a good excuse for her actually going out with another guy (less than a month after the incident no less!) If she was just kept from seeing you by her parents, I'd suggest a nice healthy dose of video gaming until the situation arises when you can see each other (either of you go to college? Work together still?)

But dude...she's willingly seeing another guy. I have to echo what someone else said that either she's using her parents as an excuse or her parents are TOTAL control freaks. Either situation presents a no win situation.

You're only 18....

"It's just, everything I touch, everywhere I go, anything I do, it reminds me of her. It's almost as if she's haunting me. "

...and I wish I could tell you that this will go away soon, but it won't. It's going to keep happening for awhile. You're just going to have do what you can.

And if you really want to find out what the situation really is, go confront her parents. Find out if they are really forbidding her from seeing you. Go say to them "You shook my hand and accepted my apology so why won't you let me see your daughter anymore!?" By their reaction, you'll know what exactly is going on.

[Marc Vaughan]

Originally posted by Hawaii Warrior
I pride myself on not making stupid mistakes... [/B]

Everyone makes mistakes, don't stress over that we all screw up some times - the important thing is to learn from them and not to make the same mistake twice if you can prevent it.

[sooner333]

Have you tried being cocky and funny?

[Neuqua]

Hawaii-

Trust me man, if it was meant to be, it will.

I'm 19 and last year at 18 I had a very similar type of situation. I had a girlfriend who I had been with for about a year or so. Things were great and I thought something may become of it in the end.

Then it just so happens I get introduced to another girl. At first i was merely friends with this girl (we'll call her Jenn.) but then as we talked over the phone almost nightly it was become strangly apparent that we had an awful lot in common. While my girlfriend liked eachother, we didn't have much in common and we are complete polar oppsities when it came to some things, but with this Jenn girl it was the opposite.

I guess you could call it coincidental timing but my girlfriend and I ended up taking a break from eachother and things between myself and Jenn started to get more serious. The attraction was mutual, and she made sure I was aware that she wanted to be more than just friends. However, I had been with my girlfriend for almost a yar at that point and up until I met Jenn i thought i'd be with her for the rest of my life. My girlfriend started hinting again that she wanted to get back together and I was stuck in between a rock and a hard place. At the time I honestly thought I really liked both girls.

Then I made the mistake which haunted me for months on after, I decided to get back with my girlfriend and completely shut Jenn out of my life. It was the only way I thought I could be fair to my girlfriend whom I had been with longer.

Well, my girlfriend and I broke up in the beginning of this year sometime and I consider the decision i made earlier to be the worst mistake so far in my life. Not because I chose my girlfriend, moreso because of the way I shut out Jenn. I tried talking to Jenn a few months back and she explained to me how heartbroken she was and that she wouldn't dare give her heart to me a second time (I understood perfectly.)

WHat the point of htis message is, is that every single day since the day I met Jenn I've thought about her. I can't explain through words at a messageboard how things were between us. For a long time it honestly felt like I had let the "one" get away from me. However, in the last couple months I've noticed myself not thinking about her as much. I've picked up a few extra hobbies (working out, winning RWBL championships) and I see my life back on the rebound. While I have yet to meet another girl like Jenn, I'm being patient and hoping in the end I'll meet someone very special.

Keep your head up man. It'll be exremely tough, it certainly was for me. But in the end I realized that girls are only girls and if it isn't meant to be then it's not worth wasting so much time over.

Time will heal wounds my friend.

Trust me,
Neuqua

[Esquared1]

Originally posted by WussGawd
I am surprised that this hasn't been touched on by the others, but I would suggest counselling, IMMEDIATELY. It sounds as though you have been through an awful lot, with the accident, the guilt over it, the break up, and everything else. I would strongly recommend somebody in the mental health field to help you sort out the worst of this. The suicidal thoughts make this a must.

Good luck.

Hawaii,

I would second this. Depended where you work, you may have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), or since you are 18, your parents may have the same that you are eligible.

Back in the day, I was in a similar, seemingly helpless situation. I sense the same helpless feeling coming from you. As others have said, your problem is temporary in general. As for me, I just needed a little nudge to help put the whole situation in perspective.

Given what you have written above, I know you have a kind heart and want to help make the situation better. I urge you to find a professional resource to help you put this all in perspective. It will go a long way to help you.

If you want further details, I worked as a counselor for a year. Though I am not qualified to help you in a professional manner myself, I do know some avenues where you can talk to somebody immediately and affordably.

Regards,

Eric

[damnMikeBrown]

You're not getting her back. Be it because her parents don't like you, you were obsessed, or simply because she wants to move on.

Looking to kill yourself...that's a pretty large neon sign in front of your face that this in no way was a healthy relationship. Have you even thought what you're putting your parents through?

Change some old habbits, and better yet, start some new ones. Do something physically active, it will be easy to pour yourself into it. Start running or riding. Ever tried triathalons? I've been to some tri-clinics in Hawaii. Holy hell, you've never met more in shape, intelligent, motivated, and gorgeous women in your life. Just being around them is inspiring.

Quit driving like an asshole. Sorry, to be so coarse, but you are not just risking you and your buddys lives. You're out there threatening my existance, my friends, and their children. I was hit twice by cars when I lived in Hawaii. One was just some stupid tourist, the other guy actually hit me with his pick-up, flipped me off, and drove away. I rather like being alive, even as poor as my life may be. I'd rather not have your decision making end any and all prospect of my future.

A handshake and forgiveness is not forgetting. The parents have a very real reason to dislike you. You almost ended the future of their daughter. Flowers are great, they are also used in grave side services. There is also the very real aspect that she may have seen the prospective end of er existance, and decided she wanted to see more of life.

Don't be a schmuck. You almost die, then are on the verge of ending yourself. Hell man, think about what you were doing 3 months ago. That was a long damn time ago! You have no idea where or what your life will be like 3 months from now, let alone a decade. Can you even fathom 10 years? Do you remember life at 8yrs old? You get the point?

Good luck to you, and take care of yourself. Your family obiously cares for you, lean on them, and strive to be a better you.

[Maple Leafs]

To echo what others have said, give it time. You're only 18. The next few weeks -- maybe months -- will suck intensely, but time really does heal all wounds (that are not related to your team failing to win a championship).

[sachmo71]

You guys have a lot of living to do. I know it doesn't seem like that now...in fact, it seems like the whole world will end. It's the truth, though. You will experience things in your life that you can't even imagine. Some of them are horrible, but many are very good. Don't think that you wont. So when it's time to move on, let it happen. Fight through every day until you start to feel like yourself. Then, before you know it, you will be with a woman who makes you feel like this, and more. And it's a good feeling. :D

[JonInMiddleGA]

HW, looks like most of the good advice has already been handed out, so I'll just go straight to the highlight reel.

1) Time heals all wounds just as time wounds all heels. I doubt there's too many guys around who can't relate to what you're going through in some form or fashion. But notice how many of us still here to relate?

Point being, there's a very good chance this really will pass, although love torn asunder generally hurts like a mutha & has its share of life-as-a-living-Hell moments while recovering.

2) Let me be at least the 3rd to suggest considering some counseling. The girl situation and the accident situation are both hard to handle, dealing with them simultaneously could kick the arse of a lot of people. If life is tag-teaming you, getting an assist to even the odds a little is not only appropriate, it's pretty smart IMO.

3) Your comment about everywhere, everything, etc all coming back to "the girl" sounds so danged familiar to me that it's almost chilling. Brother, I been there & done that, still got the scars to remind me. And yeah, I've stared down the barrel both literally & figuratively about the same kind of stuff. But somehow I've made it to 36 years and counting, proof that the situation is survivable. Some days it'll probably feel like existing instead of living, other days feel worse than that, but it does turn the corner. It honestly & truly does.

Keep hanging in there HW, just keep putting one foot in front of the other,
Jon

[Mustang]

Originally posted by sabotai

And if you really want to find out what the situation really is, go confront her parents. Find out if they are really forbidding her from seeing you. Go say to them "You shook my hand and accepted my apology so why won't you let me see your daughter anymore!?" By their reaction, you'll know what exactly is going on.

Good idea but, be prepared for that to backfire. Her parents may not have said a thing about you and she may just be using them as a convenient target for you to get upset at other than getting upset at her and she may get even more upset at you for going around her back.

[Solecismic]

If her parents don't feel you're a good influence, it might last a while, but ultimately, you don't have a chance. Especially when she gets serious about her future.

You're 18. You have at least three or four more bad breakups to go.

The first big one hurts the worst. It's worth it in the end, though. You won't understand that or believe that until about five minutes after you meet the woman you end up marrying.

[Senator]

Apparently, her parents set her up with another guy so she could forget about me.

This is code for: "I want to see other people but don't really have the guts to say it, with this ready made excuse giving me an out."

Print out this thread. Put it in a drawer. When you are 30 you will laugh to yourself and come on here to talk about it, but you will be intruding upon the Bucc/Aryhereshiws memorial 4th of July picnic.

[sabotai]

"Good idea but, be prepared for that to backfire. Her parents may not have said a thing about you and she may just be using them as a convenient target for you to get upset at other than getting upset at her and she may get even more upset at you for going around her back."

That's the whole point. :) To find out if the parents are the problem or if the girl is. If she's using them as an excuse, I for one wouldn't care if she got more upset. In fact, let her get upset. If she's been lying to Hawaii, let her get purple-in-the-face about ot have a heart attack pissed off. It's the least she should go through if she's been lying to him this whole time.

There's absolutly no way Hawaii and this girl are getting back together. I offer this only if you really want to know what the truth is.

[thesloppy]

Hawaii,

Sorry to here about your situation, a great majority can probably claim to have felt pain similar to what you're going through, and we can also all agree that it sucks. I hope you feel better day by day, and if you don't realize that sometime you will.

I'll echo the sentiment of others that you should think about alternatives to just stewing on this, whether it be seeking counseling, or simply finding something else that can effectively change your focus and raise your feelings.

I would also reccomend that you take the time to be alone (not in a relationship that is) for a good while, six months or more, and I would say that even if you decide to get back together you should still take some time to yourself before getting back into the relationship. It sounds like you've attached a lot to this girl, and though it's very easy to do, it's not so easy to undo, when you grow that attached to someone you begin to connect them to all the good things and feelings in your life, and that places a great burden on that person, one they probably can't live up to.

You need some down time to realize that you are in control of your own life and feelings, and that regardless of anything or anyone in your life, you can still be happy and live your own life. Rushing back into a relationship, either with this same girl or another, would probably end unhappily, as right now your expectations are off kilter and you're incredibly sensitive...expecting this girl to come back to you, and then for everything to be magical again, places a large weight on her shoulders in your eyes, whether it's concious or not. Additionally, if you were to get back together right now, you'd probably come off as very needy and grabby in attempts to secure her constant attention, while also making attonement, which isn't attractive to anyone. Do yourself a favor, and spend some time getting to know yourself, and all of your relationships in the future will be stronger for it.

Best of luck in whatever you do. Losing someone you love is never easy.

[Easy Mac]

Hawaii,

We've all been there man. We've all had girls who have broken our hearts for one reason or another. I dated a girl all through freshman year of college. Around the last quarter or so, we were both mmiserable. A lot of things happened, but some reason we just kept trying to work through it. We tried dating over the summer, but by the end she broke up with me. It was rough (at the same time I was constantly getting bitched at by my boss at work) and I went through serious withdrawl. I quit my job and just floated through a haze for the last 3 weeks before school.

Don't do what I did and just have random hookups with girls. It may be fun to drink and screw, but when you look back, you regret it. Try explaining all this to a future girl who you know you end up being with. Its one thing to explain relationships, another to explain some of those hookups, especially when its contrary to your normal character.

But you'll bounce back. I met the soon to be finacee Easy Mac a month after the old girl dumped me. Of course, I didn't have the balls to ask her out for 4 months (I had to rebuild my destroyed confidence), but things worked out for the better. I have a person who completely understands me and has made me strive to do things in life I took for granted (studying instead of trying to coast through school, my GPA hasn't been under a 3.4 for a term since I started dating her... no higher than a 2.5 before). She has given me a direction, and I can't think of anyone else who I'd rather be with.

Yeah, its rough that first month or so, you can't see the future an get scared nothing better will happen. But it will.


And as an odd addendum to the story. The first real date I went on with the bitch girl in the story was a play in Sept. of 2000. That exact same night at the play, my current girl was there with some friends. I didn't know her at the time (she was in high school), but she sat 1 row in front of me (10 seats a row). She has the ticket and stuff to prove it. Sometimes, someone or something has a plan for you, it just takes time to realize that (even if your like me and struggle with religion, some things are just better left not trying to understand why). (Also weird, me and my girl were at the same Academic bowl for high schools in 1999. for all I know we could have crossed paths then... just weird)

[Hawaii Warrior]

I'd just like to thank everyone for their opinions and support. You have no idea how much this really means to me. All of this advice is helping me so much getting through it. Thanks again

[Draft Dodger]

Originally posted by Hawaii Warrior
I'd just like to thank everyone for their opinions and support. You have no idea how much this really means to me. All of this advice is helping me so much getting through it. Thanks again

good luck!

[Mustang]

Originally posted by sabotai
"Good idea but, be prepared for that to backfire. Her parents may not have said a thing about you and she may just be using them as a convenient target for you to get upset at other than getting upset at her and she may get even more upset at you for going around her back."

That's the whole point. :) To find out if the parents are the problem or if the girl is. If she's using them as an excuse, I for one wouldn't care if she got more upset. In fact, let her get upset. If she's been lying to Hawaii, let her get purple-in-the-face about ot have a heart attack pissed off. It's the least she should go through if she's been lying to him this whole time.

There's absolutly no way Hawaii and this girl are getting back together. I offer this only if you really want to know what the truth is.


Ohhhhhhhhhh ya. Duh on me. :D

[ctmason]

It has been one year since I lost someone that I loved very much.

At night, I still see her face. I still remember what her hair felt like. I remember everything.

I have not dated, really, I was in a terrible rebound relationship that ultimately failed. I questioned my own worth as a person, I questioned my shortcoming.

Then I sought help.

I gained from all of this pain the courage to pursue and advanced degree, pick up stakes and move from Georgia to Arizona. No safety net, no job, nothing guaranteed, it is all up to me.

If there is one thing that I learned from this experience, it is this:

As long as there is life, there is hope.

You will meet someone who will brighten your heart even more than she did. You will remember fondly the good times, and will learn from the bad.

Everyone here, and everyone everywhere for the most part, is walking around with either a broken or mended heart. You are not alone.

[lurker]

Here's something someone wrote to me in an e-mail once when I was having a rough time:

"I pretty much think of things this way: people (even people of the same backgrounds, or faith, or even family) are so complex in their individuality that it often seems to be a miracle to me that two people can be close to one another. A great deal of work goes in to maintaining relationships, for the simple reason that people have diverse and varied worldviews, desires, dreams, and neuroses. Therefore, if things don't work out with someone, I think the healthiest way to think of it is:

To be happy and thankful for the time you spent together, that having been a sort of gift, and
To know that your capacity to love and be loved exists, and therefore you are now in a position to love again, and
To think of each lover, especially the ones that don't work out, as practice material for the one (or many) Great Love of Your Life, which you are bound to find."

Once I started thinking of that time spent as a gift, it helped me to not be bitter and sad at having it be over -- I just appreciated that I experienced it. I hope this helps. Good luck.