At what point is it okay. .

[hhiipp]

to get royally pissed off at your spouse?

I may need a flere-o-gram and Flasch, I apologize for stealing your writing style.

Our household consists of my wife, daughter (15 weeks old), and myself. Ever since the baby was born there have been things said and done by my wife that have just grated on me.

Example - We were visiting my parents some odd weeks ago and we were all talking about how I have a hard time soothing the baby when she starts crying, my mom makes the comment that it won't hurt her to cry some. Since then my wife has said things to me like, "Your parents won't be watching her because your mom said she'll let her cry for 3 hours." I immediately go into defensive mode because she didn't say anything to that effect.

So over the last few days other things have occured that have just cheesed me off, last Thursday I started getting a sore throat, no big deal figured it was just sinus drainage by Friday it was getting worse, by Saturday it was full blown sickness. Wife decides to take daughter to her parents house and let her stay there for a couple days until I get better so that baby doesn't get sick. Makes sense, I knew how bad I felt, didn't really want to make my daughter feel like that as well.

Sunday comes around and wife thinks she might be starting to get it also, throat hurting etc. yet she still goes to visit our daughter for most of the day and well into the evening. Monday rolls around, I call off work sick cause I'm still feeling pretty bad, wife is feeling even worse than Sunday, goes to see daughter after work for hours.

Tuesday, I'm feeling like a champ so after work I go to pick up daughter to take her to my parents for a couple hours so they can visit, and I can visit as well, after all I haven't seen her since Saturday and that was only briefly. I show up to pick up my daughter and she is already there, apparently she has left work early, she was wearing a surgical mask because she thinks this will prevent all the germs from getting to our daughter while obviously when you cough it's pretty much going to be all over you. So I take our daughter to my parents, wife stays at her parents.

First off she gives me a strict timeline, I -must- leave my parents house by 8pm, this basically gives me 2 hours at my parents, this didn't really bother me too much. After the visit I return daughter back to the in laws house and of course, sick wife is still there, so I was telling her how our daughter was trying to roll and stuff. Wife proceeds to tell me that if she had rolled I wouldn't be allowed to take our daughter anywhere because me seeing it happen wouldn't mean as much as it would to her. Mother in law says, that's not right, wife stands firmly behind her comment. This pissed me off and kind of hurt me at the same time.

Wife gets ready for work this morning, she begs me to allow her to bring daughter home tonight, I say something about how if she's still sick we should leave her another day or 2. Ask her how she's feeling, she looks worse than yesterday, I encourage her to call off. She insists on going, (she's been leaving early every morning so she can go visit daughter at her parents) so she goes out, I call her this morning after I get to work to see if she is going to work. She says no I think I'm going to call in, and I think baby is sick because she's coughing and sneezing. I get even more mad, I started to tell her that her mask wasn't enough and she hangs up on me.

At this point I am steaming, she calls back and I just don't answer, 3x, I finally answer and she gets all huffy with me saying that she could have gotten it from the 2 hours I spent with her last night. I hang up, she calls back 2 more times and I just pick it up and slam the phone in anger.

Am I wrong for being mad? My feeling is that it's a rather large double standard that I shouldn't be allowed around daughter while I'm sick, but wife can do as she pleases because she's wearing a mask? How would you have handled things differently rather than just getting mad?

[CamEdwards]

hormones are crazy after a pregnancy, and you can't discount the possibility that your wife is suffering from post partum depression.

I know when my four year old was born my wife was probably suffering from some post-partum depression, but I didn't pick up on the signs until much later. So far with our twins (three weeks old yesterday) she says she's been too busy to get depressed.

Bottom line... you've gotta be prepared to put up with a ton of shit for awhile, but if it continues to be like this, you might want to both go see her doctor to see if this is depression.

[Anthony]

if your wife is a rational person who can be reasonsed with, i would think having an old fashioned talk would be best. might want to nip some things in the bud, set some guidelines, or else your daughter will wind up growing more attached to one side of the family than the other.

in situations like these its funny because the way you present things its as if your wife it being irrational and hard to deal with - which may not be the case. she isn't here giving her side of the story, so based on the info you gave of course unbiased people would side with you. what i usually do when my wife and i get into our occassional spats (which don't ever last long, btw, because we can't stand acting that way towards each other) is i'll reexamine what i was doing that could be considered "wrong" by the other party. is it my tone of voice? am i not being considerate? am i maybe being hard to talk to?

if your story is correct, that you gave an unbiased description of how things are, then yeah, some things seem off and you should try to make sure you tell her what you are and aren't comfortable with regarding the current arrangement.

[Flasch186]

I also think it could NEVER hurt, if youre both open to a 3rd party communicator it can soetimes allow for open discussion that you guys may have had your barriers up to discourage.

[Anthony]

hormones are crazy after a pregnancy, and you can't discount the possibility that your wife is suffering from post partum depression.


that's what i thought as well.

[Warhammer]

I've been through crap like this, what you need to do is sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart.

After Anthony (our first child) was born, my wife pulled the same sort of crap. I finally sat my wife down and said that it is not only her baby, it is OUR baby. We both take a part in raising him, and we need to share the responsibilities. If we have an issue about parenting, we need to work together to come to a solution, etc. Also, whatever rules apply to you, need to apply to her. She needs to understand this. If you can't see your child because you are sick, neither can she. On the flip side, children are going to get sick, so if you take precautions and the baby still gets sick, you're just training his immune system.

I also made sure that crap about our parents was on the table. If we wanted my parents to be strict, or spank, or what not, we would tell my parents as a team what we wanted. My parents would respect our wishes, and everyone is happy.

Women tend (from my experience with my wife and in-laws) to think of babies as THEIR baby, not OUR baby, because they carried the baby for 9 months and gave birth, etc. You need to get this straight now, because if you don't it will get worse. My wife and I used to argue about our evening routine, because I didn't do anything. Well, I was doing something, it was called playing with the kids. I take our 5 month old from my wife, and feed, him, while also playing with our 3 year old. My wife gets dinner and straightens the kitchen. We switched roles one night, and I fixed dinner. Needless to say, my wife sat on her ass and the kids wouldn't let me get anything done. The next night, I did absolutely nothing while my wife got dinner. She melted down in 5 minutes flat. I pulled her aside and pointed out how big of a job it was to take care of the kids. She just looked at me, and it was like a light bulb turned on in her head. After that I have had no problems whatsoever.

[Ben E Lou]

She's a woman. She's emotional, and not logical pretty much always. It is even worse after giving birth.

Bottom line: you may have to just suck it up for a while.

[sachmo71]

At least answer the phone and tell her that you cannot discuss the matter with her while you are at work. Nothing get's people angrier then being hung up on.

As for being right? Sure you have a right to be angry. She hurt you, and that makes you angry. But she's worried about the baby, so your feelings are probably pretty far down on the priority list. How you handle that is up to you, but I would advise taking some time and at least trying to see her side of it. Then, when both of you have cooled down, try to have a discussion about things, and nip this in the bud. Some of the worst times my wife and I had getting along with one another were when everyone was sick in the house. Tempers are very short when you don't feel well.

Good luck.

[hhiipp]

I appreciate the comments, mostly it was just theraputic getting it off my chest. I don't have many friends per se and the one I do have is actually her brother, so when I have complaints about things, guess who he sides with. . .

[Bo Jackson's Hip]

I've had this exact argument before with my wife as well, you're not alone. :)

[Draft Dodger]

I would probably chalk it up to post-partum, but it isn't something to be ignored even if that is the cause.

my sister-in-law was very much like that with her daughter...and still is. The kid is, IMO, quite screwed up already (she's almost 2) because of it.

[Warhammer]

I would probably chalk it up to post-partum, but it isn't something to be ignored even if that is the cause.

my sister-in-law was very much like that with her daughter...and still is. The kid is, IMO, quite screwed up already (she's almost 2) because of it.

It might be post-partum, but some women are just like that. My wife and her family are all like that. A lot of it in my wife's case stems from her parents getting divorced and all the baggage that came with it.

What you need to worry about is the baby. You don't want to raise a child in a household where you are always arguing, and you do not want one parent to tell the baby that they love him/her more than the other. I can easily see this going down that road. That is why you need to nip it in the bud. Counciling if it is post-partum, and a good sit-down if it is not.

[mrsimperless]

I also think it could NEVER hurt, if youre both open to a 3rd party communicator it can soetimes allow for open discussion that you guys may have had your barriers up to discourage.

I can tell you from experience to NOT go forward with this 3-some idea. Even if you talk about it up front and think you're going into it with the right mindset someone is still bound to get hurt.

If you really feel the need to spice things up try tossing a little porn into the mix. But remember to start with something simple first before trying to work your way up to midgets.

[oliegirl]

As a woman who has given birth, it is very emotional, but I can't imagine she would say these things if she knew how much it bothered you. I agree with H.A. in saying that a talk would probably be the best first step. If the two of you can talk about this stuff without fighting, then things will probably work out pretty easily. But if you start fighting when you are trying to discuss this, I would definitely say get a 3rd party involved to help you talk this out. Good Luck!

[Raiders Army]

Get really soft toilet paper. It always helps me after I push something out of my body.

[Draft Dodger]

It might be post-partum, but some women are just like that. My wife and her family are all like that. A lot of it in my wife's case stems from her parents getting divorced and all the baggage that came with it.

What you need to worry about is the baby. You don't want to raise a child in a household where you are always arguing, and you do not want one parent to tell the baby that they love him/her more than the other. I can easily see this going down that road. That is why you need to nip it in the bud. Counciling if it is post-partum, and a good sit-down if it is not.

that's what I was trying to say too, I just wasn't very clear. my sister in law smothering the child I think had little to do with PP, more her own issues. Either way, it needs to get resolved, and soon.

anger, however, is probably not the answer here.

[Mustang]

Umm.. by the way, I'm not sure I would directly suggest she has post-partum depression to her face, she might bust out the "What are you? A fuckin' psychologist' defense.

[hhiipp]

My mom just called, "How's wife feeling?" I said she called off sick today and is at her parents. "Isn't that why baby is out there to stay away from this?", I confirm that was the reason. "Oh, well just let me know if you need anything."

[JonInMiddleGA]

Umm.. by the way, I'm not sure I would directly suggest she has post-partum depression to her face, she might bust out the "What are you? A fuckin' psychologist' defense.

What he just said.

And, FWLIW, that's what I'm thinking is going on, at least in part (good sign that your m-in-l thought her own daughter was being unreasonable too - if sincere, that sounds like this isn't something coming from her).

The other thing that might provide a clue to the motivations for all this mess (and FTR, it does sound like a pretty f'ed up deal from your description and is not something I would have/could have put up with even this long) is whether she's ever been kinda squirrely about your family in the past (i.e. before the baby).

[Philliesfan980]

Get divorced.

[chinaski]

Dont suck up any of that shit, if someone if acting crazy - explain your case without calling names or getting to upset. calm, cool rationale is key when dealing with hormonal women. The whole "baby rolling over" thing is just plain whack, I would not stand for that one bit and the night wouldnt have ended until she got it thru her head that baby means every bit as much to me as you. Any sane person would understand how you feel by putting them in your shoes, how would she like it if you said she couldnt be with the baby if she rolled over?? Or if you just didnt appreciate her moms babysitting style. If she still cant understand the plight, then counseling is the only..horrible..option.

[hhiipp]

As far as I know, my parents haven't done anything in the past that would have caused her to not trust them. The only things she's really complained about was 1. how warm they keep their house 2. My parents owned the house we live in before I bought it, they used to let themselves in when we weren't around to leave things, or do something I had asked 3. she didn't want to visit a priest before we got married, my mom wanted us to, I didn't want to either, simply put, we didn't do it. But my mom basically just talked to me about this and pressured me about it, I didn't pass much of that on to my wife because I felt that was my battle to fight.

There is nothing else specifically that I can recall her complaining about disliking about my parents. I do realize that you'll always feel a bit more comfortable with your own parents over your in laws, but hers seems to just kinda go beyond that line of distrust and denying permission to see her.

[FrogMan]

I may be besides the point as that one last event may simply be one event too many, but why separate yourself (you and the wife) from the baby at all? I mean, 15 weeks is old enough that she'll survive a cold, or whatever you came up with. What I mean is it's possible that your wife is just unable to stay away from the baby, even for one full day. I know my wife would not have been able to, not at 15 weeks or so and I know I probably would not have been able to for the number of days you did, sick or not. My point is the case here may not be that crazy of a behaviour from a woman who's given birth to a child kind of recently. And when you mix grandparents in there, it can indeed get a bit tough...

Good luck, and no, violence/anger is not the way to go, not in my opinion...

FM

[SFL Cat]

As others have said, women's hormones make them crazy after childbirth. Give it some time and things will probably turn out okay. If not, you definitely need to sit down and have a heart to heart.

[Franklinnoble]

Suck it up and take it like a man. She's a woman, she just had your baby, and she's going to be dealing with a whole shitload of emotional stress and chemical imbalances for at least the first 6 months following the birth.

Be supportive. Keep your mouth shut, unless it's to say (sincerely), "Yes, dear." She'll appreciate it, and it's the best thing for your marriage right now.

That said, it's probably wise that you sought the advice of others here rather than just blow up. Don't take anything personally - you're under a lot of stress too, and it'll seem like no one appreciates it. I know the feeling - I've had two kids in the last two years. Welcome to manhood.

[Anthony]

I don't really agree with Franklin, but i guess we all gotta attack problems as we see fit. in my book bad habits have a tendency to turn into bad routines, and what you want to avoid is having one parent's family be the go-to family for things like babysitting and such, and you want to avoid her way being the way. sure, right now she might be hormonaly challenged, but you don't necessarily want to disregard your own feelings or have your family take a back seat, there's plenty of family to go round. you child is fortunate to have both families in the picture - i come from a single parent household.

keep in mind here people are giving you advice based on the information you provided - without hearing both sides of the story the information you get will tend to be sorta slanted in your favor.

[HerRealName]

My advice is for you both to take a step back away from your parents. You're married now and you need to depend on each other. Grandparents are great but too much involvement is a bad thing.

Also, the first thing my wife and I decided as a married couple was that we come first to each other and that includes our families and future kids. Our theory is that the best way to raise our family in a stable, healthy environment, is for us to provide a united front.

[Karlifornia]

You always could terminate. Meet me Oleg's Tavern in downtown Oslo. We will discuss details. 30 large in unmarked quid. I will be wearing pink carnation on clothes. I will know you if you say "It always bustles in brussels in springtime." Ciao.

[Telle]

I think it's certainly understandable that you're that upset over all this. However, it's not going to do anybody any good if you direct that anger at her. Vent and bitch on here.. go to the batting cages and get some energy out.. whatever you have to do. Once you're good and calm, have a nice long talk with her about this. It's obvious that she's being rather irrational about things, and so when you have this conversation you're going to have to work hard to remain the calm rational one. It's possible that she does have post-partum depression.. this can be a very serious condition. If that's the case, then she needs to get help. You need to make sure you approach that topic sensitively though.. go with the "I love you and I'm concerned about you" angle. If it's not ppd, then she might just have a very skewed idea about what everyone's roles in this family are and isn't properly appreciating your role as Daddy. Try talking with her about it.. tell her how she's making you feel.. lots of "I" statements. If talking it out between the two of you doesn't work, then you're probably going to need to get some counseling.

[judicial clerk]

It is ok for you to be royally pissed at your wife, but your actions are probably out of line. I think you should apologize to her for hanging up on her and what-not and don't even get into the other issues. Just apologize for your rude behavior. I know that you think your actions were warranted and I am right there with you, but apologizing accomplishes a couple of things. First, you do love this woman and so you should not be rude to her and she deserves an apology. Second, apologizing with no strings attached will desensitize the situation. She will probably apologize right back, and then you can have the make-up sex (don't count on this).

As far as reasoning with your wife regarding family stuff, i think the best course of action is to help her reach the right conclusion on her own. With my wife, if I try to convince her my position is the correct one regarding our families, she gets defensive. If I don't force her, she often times will eventually take the position i agree with on her own. Sometimes, it even turns out that my position is not the correct one. I know it sounds far-fetched but sometimes this is the case.

[hhiipp]

Turns out she left her parents house yesterday shortly after I had hung up on her a few times. Mother in law took the baby to the Dr and she wasn't sick, just has some congestion, so that was good.

I guess I didn't really have to start the discussion with her last night because she had read my post by the time I go home. And even asked if my parents would watch the baby so we could do some cleaning around the house Saturday, so it's a good start. Thanks to all who offered comments, smartass or otherwise.

For the record, she thought Franklin's advice to suck it up and be a man was the best advice in the thread.

[Flasch186]

you let her read these

{ducks and runs}

[FrogMan]

ow, you're just so lucky that the ladies man didn't show up in this thread...

Good to hear things are working out ok, best of luck with it!

FM

[Franklinnoble]

For the record, she thought Franklin's advice to suck it up and be a man was the best advice in the thread.
ow, you're just so lucky that the ladies man didn't show up in this thread...
Oh, what might have been...

:D

[Franklinnoble]

By the way, it took stones for you to let her read all this... kudos to you guys for being able to communicate. Your marriage will be better for it.

[stevew]

I'm guessing you havent gotten laid since she had the kid? So sad.

And she sounds Susan Smith whacko right now, she needs some help.

[BigJohn&TheLions]

For some reason my small studio apartment that I share only with the roaches looks real bright and sunny now!

[hhiipp]

I'm guessing you havent gotten laid since she had the kid?
I can't comment specifically because she might read it again, but if there has been any shortage, it's not because of her.

[FrogMan]

For some reason my small studio apartment that I share only with the roaches looks real bright and sunny now!
sadly, your roaches won't ever learn to walk, won't ever say "papapapa" while looking at you with a big smile, they also won't compete at karate tournaments when they turn 8 and bring home a trophy that will make them (and their dad) so proud, they also won't get selected in the citie's competitive U9 soccer squad... I could go on and on, kids are just great... :)

FM
PS: BigJohn, it's not really a knock on you personally, just saying that yeah, life with kids, and the wife that gave birth to them, is sometimes not that easy, but oh so rewarding...

[scooper]

sadly, your roaches won't ever learn to walk, won't ever say "papapapa" while looking at you with a big smile, they also won't compete at karate tournaments when they turn 8 and bring home a trophy that will make them (and their dad) so proud, they also won't get selected in the citie's competitive U9 soccer squad... I could go on and on, kids are just great... :)

FM
PS: BigJohn, it's not really a knock on you personally, just saying that yeah, life with kids, and the wife that gave birth to them, is sometimes not that easy, but oh so rewarding...
Amen, I can't imagine life without my six month old boy now. And my wife has been tremendous through it all. He is OUR son. No doubt about it.

hhiipp, sounds like her reading this thread may have started the ball rolling on the communication. As cliche as it sounds, that is really the key. You guys really need to work things through, as parents who see things as one will be better off for the kiddo.

Oh and, from a new member of the club, congrats.

[scooper]

dola

How scary would it be if his roached DID all this stuff?

your roaches won't ever learn to walk, won't ever say "papapapa" while looking at you with a big smile, they also won't compete at karate tournaments when they turn 8 and bring home a trophy that will make them (and their dad) so proud, they also won't get selected in the citie's competitive U9 soccer squad

[FrogMan]

dola

How scary would it be if his roached DID all this stuff?
VERY scary :D

FM

[judicial clerk]

FOFC, bringing families ... together.

(We need to start a new thread where we advise people not to introduce their wives to FOFC. This is like shitting where you eat.)

[scooper]

FOFC, bringing families ... together.

(We need to start a new thread where we advise people not to introduce their wives to FOFC. This is like shitting where you eat.)
Trust me, my wife is getting replies from my buying a TV thread via cut and paste in e-mails. She is NOT getting a link to the thread.

[Flasch186]

How you should be feeling right about now

http://images.aaroncarr.multiply.com/image/1/photos/16/1200x120/15.jpg

now that your SO knows about the FOFC

[PilotMan]

This sounds so much like PPD, it's scary. It is very natural, and hard at the same time. My wife was crazy after our second child. I had mentioned somthing to her about it and she talked to her midwife, and before you know it Zoloft saved the day. It was like a night and day change after the medicine helped even her back out. And absolutly nothing to be ashamed of.