Subby
10-31-2005, 12:26 PM
<img src="http://www.thefobl.com/images/substuff/grannie.gif" align="right" vspace="5" hspace="5">FOBL Celebrates 20 Years of Baby Eating, Granny Frenching
Celebrity-Themed Bash in Times Square Kicks Off Season
NYC, NY (AP) - Hordes of voracious grannies, overwrought housewives, and self-hating sacrificial babies lined the streets this evening as FOBL owners and players celebrated 20 years of fake baseball, loose groupies, and common household solvents. (Pictured, right: another venerable FOBL groupie tries acid for the first time).
"Moist!" read one groupies handmade sign as celebrites and league officials poured into the Times Square Best Western to snort down complementary Sunny Delight and truckloads of tasty mini-cheesecakes.
"I am so totally getting laid tonight," hollered long-time FOBL enthusiast Kathy Bates.
"Holla back!" yelled Super Sassy Cubscout Apparel Mogul and probably gay Virginia owner, Subby.
It wasn't all hard-core sluts and adult diapering, though - the FOBL took time out to unveil several enhancements to the league that should further enjoyment of its die-hard fans everywhere.
- A new look web site (http://www.thefobl.com): Developed by league commish Simms, the FOBL web site has all kinds of fancy shit like blinking text, rotating banner ads, animated gifs and imbedded javascript popup polls! The site also has built in copy-protection on the off-chance that some scumbag league tries to rip off the design. Yeah that's right. Steal the FOBL web site and we know instantly. Then we send Rosie O'Donnell to your house with a Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey vibrator.
- <a href="http://www.thefobl.com/images/substuff/bwd.gif" target="_blank">Honkieware</a>: Taking free agency outside of the clutches of OOTP, FOBL developed a web-based auction-style bidding program that has gone a long way toward setting efficient market prices for free agents through an open and accessible market place. Think e-Bay, but with fake baseball players. Like the script for the series finale of Blossom, this baby's top-secret.
- Fancy-Ass Media Guides (http://www.thefobl.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1557&d=1130161612): The beauty of having a few owners that are 600 lb shut-ins is that they crank out previews so beautiful that they make Christopher Lowell weep. Start weeping you beautiful slab of manmeat, you....the FOBL 2020 Media Guide is here.
- State of the Art Forums (http://www.thefobl.com/forums/index.php): Complete with a FOBL-branded 850 game video arcade, Shreveport Gaming Authority, and a modern-day Flash-driven chat lounge, the FOBL forums are the centerpiece of the collective ownership brain. Or libido. Or something.
- Confusing Financials: According the FOBL Constitution (http://www.thefobl.com/constitution.htm), a team's revenue is calculated thusly: Revenue = [ .4 * AVG (CP + BC) + .2 * MIN ] * TK + .2 * INC * (36 - SCRANK ) + FP.
As Betty White would say, "There is no way in fuck that a human being can calculate that formula." So we got Spanky, the league's robotic assistant, to calculate it for us automatically (http://www.thefobl.com/finances/finances.php) after each game.
- Sexy Team Pages: Pretty and replete with team history and owner bios (http://www.thefobl.com/teams/virginia.htm), and gorgeous uniforms (http://www.thefobl.com/teams/lasvegas.htm), courtesy of heterosexual league-seamstress and soft-porn expert, Cuervo.
- Rampant Attention to History: Between Fake Baseball Reference (http://reference.thefobl.com/fbr/), stunning past champions page (http://www.thefobl.com/awards/champs.htm) and our burgeoning Hall of Fame (http://www.thefobl.com/hof/index.htm), FOBL always gives a nod to the old school, yo.
- Automated Drafting: Yeah, we stole this thing from IHOF (http://www.fof-ihof.com) and put a fresh coat of paint on it, added some dirty limmericks and called it our own. Seriously, VPI is an honorary member of the FOBL simuverse and as such gets FOBL hookers at a cut rate.
Meanwhile, back at the bash, bachanalia ensued as teen idols Scott Baio, Todd Bridges and Tina Yothers made the scene and started "getting up" on any drunken FOBL-owner they could find.
"THIS IS FREAKING GREAT," bleated Donkey Sausage Mogul and Triangle Owner Fritz Buff, "Liza Minneli isn't wearing a bra! W00t!"
Commissioner for life Simon Cable probably summed up FOBL's successful run best when he remarked, "If using my wealth and power to score the occasional portly middle-aged housewife is wrong, then I'm not sure why any of us are here, really."
Well said, Mr. Commissioner. Well said.
Celebrity-Themed Bash in Times Square Kicks Off Season
NYC, NY (AP) - Hordes of voracious grannies, overwrought housewives, and self-hating sacrificial babies lined the streets this evening as FOBL owners and players celebrated 20 years of fake baseball, loose groupies, and common household solvents. (Pictured, right: another venerable FOBL groupie tries acid for the first time).
"Moist!" read one groupies handmade sign as celebrites and league officials poured into the Times Square Best Western to snort down complementary Sunny Delight and truckloads of tasty mini-cheesecakes.
"I am so totally getting laid tonight," hollered long-time FOBL enthusiast Kathy Bates.
"Holla back!" yelled Super Sassy Cubscout Apparel Mogul and probably gay Virginia owner, Subby.
It wasn't all hard-core sluts and adult diapering, though - the FOBL took time out to unveil several enhancements to the league that should further enjoyment of its die-hard fans everywhere.
- A new look web site (http://www.thefobl.com): Developed by league commish Simms, the FOBL web site has all kinds of fancy shit like blinking text, rotating banner ads, animated gifs and imbedded javascript popup polls! The site also has built in copy-protection on the off-chance that some scumbag league tries to rip off the design. Yeah that's right. Steal the FOBL web site and we know instantly. Then we send Rosie O'Donnell to your house with a Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey vibrator.
- <a href="http://www.thefobl.com/images/substuff/bwd.gif" target="_blank">Honkieware</a>: Taking free agency outside of the clutches of OOTP, FOBL developed a web-based auction-style bidding program that has gone a long way toward setting efficient market prices for free agents through an open and accessible market place. Think e-Bay, but with fake baseball players. Like the script for the series finale of Blossom, this baby's top-secret.
- Fancy-Ass Media Guides (http://www.thefobl.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1557&d=1130161612): The beauty of having a few owners that are 600 lb shut-ins is that they crank out previews so beautiful that they make Christopher Lowell weep. Start weeping you beautiful slab of manmeat, you....the FOBL 2020 Media Guide is here.
- State of the Art Forums (http://www.thefobl.com/forums/index.php): Complete with a FOBL-branded 850 game video arcade, Shreveport Gaming Authority, and a modern-day Flash-driven chat lounge, the FOBL forums are the centerpiece of the collective ownership brain. Or libido. Or something.
- Confusing Financials: According the FOBL Constitution (http://www.thefobl.com/constitution.htm), a team's revenue is calculated thusly: Revenue = [ .4 * AVG (CP + BC) + .2 * MIN ] * TK + .2 * INC * (36 - SCRANK ) + FP.
As Betty White would say, "There is no way in fuck that a human being can calculate that formula." So we got Spanky, the league's robotic assistant, to calculate it for us automatically (http://www.thefobl.com/finances/finances.php) after each game.
- Sexy Team Pages: Pretty and replete with team history and owner bios (http://www.thefobl.com/teams/virginia.htm), and gorgeous uniforms (http://www.thefobl.com/teams/lasvegas.htm), courtesy of heterosexual league-seamstress and soft-porn expert, Cuervo.
- Rampant Attention to History: Between Fake Baseball Reference (http://reference.thefobl.com/fbr/), stunning past champions page (http://www.thefobl.com/awards/champs.htm) and our burgeoning Hall of Fame (http://www.thefobl.com/hof/index.htm), FOBL always gives a nod to the old school, yo.
- Automated Drafting: Yeah, we stole this thing from IHOF (http://www.fof-ihof.com) and put a fresh coat of paint on it, added some dirty limmericks and called it our own. Seriously, VPI is an honorary member of the FOBL simuverse and as such gets FOBL hookers at a cut rate.
Meanwhile, back at the bash, bachanalia ensued as teen idols Scott Baio, Todd Bridges and Tina Yothers made the scene and started "getting up" on any drunken FOBL-owner they could find.
"THIS IS FREAKING GREAT," bleated Donkey Sausage Mogul and Triangle Owner Fritz Buff, "Liza Minneli isn't wearing a bra! W00t!"
Commissioner for life Simon Cable probably summed up FOBL's successful run best when he remarked, "If using my wealth and power to score the occasional portly middle-aged housewife is wrong, then I'm not sure why any of us are here, really."
Well said, Mr. Commissioner. Well said.