I'm in a Rut *Update*

[GoSeahawks]

A friend that I grew up with gave me a call the other day for the first time in over a year. He told me about his career in firefighting and how he's finally decided to marry the girl he's been dating for the past four years. After a few minutes of blabbing he asked "What's new with you?"

The question, 'What's new with you?' is pretty common, but I hate answering. I hate trying to forge responses which sound the slightest bit interesting because I honestly feel like nothing has happened in my life in the past year other than my son getting older (which most people really don't care about). I seem to have fallen in a rut and need some advice on how to get out.

I go to work every morning and come home every night without much variation. My job never changes as I do the exact same thing and interact with the same people EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's unrewarding, but it's the dangerous type of job (not manual labor). I make just enough that leaving would hurt me financially, but staying won't ever make me financially secure.

It doesn't end at the work place either. I come home everyday to the girl I have been dating since I was 21 (I turn 25 next month). We have a son together who turned 2 on the 8th of April. The honest truth is that I can't stand my girlfriend. I don't think I've even liked her since a couple months in but a series of events that are too personal to discuss have kept us together.

I honestly don't think I ever loved her nor do I think I ever can. I tried leaving her before, but she made it pretty clear that she will get custody and move out of state if I leave for good. I believe her because she's the malicious type. She's the horror story that everyone's dated, but escaped. I wasn't the lucky one.

My son is the one thing that keeps me here. I can’t imagine not having him in my life and I’ve pretty much decided staying is the only way for that part of my life to stay in tact. Right now he's sitting on his Mom's lap and laughing at something. She just asked me why all the celebrities live in Hollywood and not some place like Oregon. We have nothing in common. Her idea of fixing our relationship was getting a boob job.....It didn't change what I hate and she knows it. I guess she’s content with the perception that two parents and a son equates happiness.

I have choices to make because I don’t want to keep on with this monotony. I feel like I’m too young to have the whole last year of my life be meaningless outside of my son. Today is Thursday and I can barley remember the first three days of this work week. I feel like a robot. I need a change.

I need recommendation on what I should do. I would love to quit my job and do something new. I have 50k in a savings account that I planned on using as a down payment for a house. If I bought a house it would further solidify a life with my girlfriend. I could go back to school and apply for the Pharmacy program, but my mother is a Pharmacist and she hate’s her job. She seems unhappy with the job as do all the other pharmacists she works with. My father is an engineer and he hates his job as well. This doesn’t really inspire me.

I would love to start some type of restaurant, or any business that I was in charge of, but wouldn’t know where to begin. I would love to take a risk, but I don’t know how I would deal if I failed. The only real sensible thing I can think to do is put money down on a house. I’ve been putting that off for so long because of everything I’ve mentioned. I feel lost right now, and would love advice from the people here at FOFC.

Thanks

[Draft Dodger]

I don't have advice, but I'm pulling for you.

your son makes this decision 1,000 times more difficult.

[Suburban Rhythm]

your son makes this decision 1,000 times more difficult.

Alot of what you said in the original post I can relate to, feeling, for lack of a better word, unfulfilled. I want to suggest to break out, and do something that you REALLY want to do. I'm not THAT much older (30), but have the responsibilities (daughter, another on the way, wife, house, etc) that I can't make decisions solely for me now.

But, as DD said, your son makes it way more complex that just doing what YOU want.

All I can say is good luck.

[Antmeister]

What are your hobbies or interest? I mean what do you spend a lot of time doing when you are off work (besides your son). That may answer your question on what you could consider doing for a future job/career. If you detest you job that much, it doesn't make sense staying there since the stress is going to eventually cause you health problems which in turn going to lead to other problems in other aspects of your life.

If you have no hobbies or you think your interests do not translate into a job, then look at possibly taking some classes in school that seem interesting to you and find if any of them feel right for you. Whatever you do, don't blow your money on something you are not quite sure about. You are doomed to fail if you don't love what you are doing and the already strained relationship would soon crumble.

[Mustang]

I'm not sure it is really helping your son out by you being in a relationship with his Mother where you essentially hate her. He will pick up on that has he gets older.

I'm not sure why you think it is such a slam dunk that she would get custody of the kid and move out of state? I know she said it but, saying and legally being able to do are 2 separate things. Probably be worthwhile to check into that and what your rights are. You might get the most satisfaction with your $50K in leaving her and fighting for your son.

[rkmsuf]

I'm in a But.

[Solecismic]

Sorry to hear about this. It reinforces my belief that the most important decision any of us ever make in our lives is who we choose to settle down with. My life wouldn't be one tenth as satisfying without Angela. I'd even pick her over our three-year-old son, though I'm hoping never to make that choice.

Life is too short to waste much time on a bad relationship. Go to a lawyer, get specific advice, understand that leaving her will be expensive and you will see less of your son. You're only 24. You have plenty of life changes ahead of you - it's so much better to experience them with someone you really love.

[Franklinnoble]

You could probably hire a decent hitman for 50k....








(KIDDING!!!!)

[chinaski]

Life is too short to waste much time on a bad relationship. Go to a lawyer, get specific advice, understand that leaving her will be expensive and you will see less of your son. You're only 24. You have plenty of life changes ahead of you - it's so much better to experience them with someone you really love.

this sums it up perfectly. amen.

[AgustusM]

I'm not sure it is really helping your son out by you being in a relationship with his Mother where you essentially hate her. He will pick up on that has he gets older.

I'm not sure why you think it is such a slam dunk that she would get custody of the kid and move out of state? I know she said it but, saying and legally being able to do are 2 separate things. Probably be worthwhile to check into that and what your rights are. You might get the most satisfaction with your $50K in leaving her and fighting for your son.

this is what I was thinking, and it won't cost you 50K, probably less then 1k to find out.

See a lawyer - get the facts and make an informed decision, I know at least in California unless you are a total loser who has a bad legal past you are likely to get 50/50 custody and she CAN'T move more then one county away without giving you custody.

your live will improve, her life will improve and most importantly your son's life will improve considerably. kids are far more happy in two happy homes then in one bad one.


PS - I speak from experience - I am very happily married for the 2nd time - 2 kids from my first marriage, one step son and one son with my wife - we have a great blended family and have a lot of fun. all of the kids are very happy and even my ex-wife is much happier (though not married and with FAR more then just 50k of my money)

[Icy]

As Jim said, don't waste your whole life with a woman you hate. Your relationship can only get worse and youir son will suffer from it if he isn't already. The time won't fix it but to make it way worse. Try to fight for your son, don't leave your work by now as if you don't have a work probably your wife will have more chances to get the custody.

Seriously, you need to move on, you are 25, a whole life to enjoy close to the right woman to to suffer with the wrong one. As Jim i can't imagine my life without my wife, we are together since we were 14 years old and she is both my wife and my best friend. We lost a daugther 22 days ago, my life is so sad right now, but i can't even imagine how could have been my life if it was my wife who died, these are really hard words from a man that just lost his daugther, but are the true feelings. I can have more kids, but never a woman like my wife.

Leave that women, fight for your son and then look for a new job. Start a new life and enjoy every minute of it, life is too short to waste it, any minute wasted won't ever come back.

[Hurst2112]

Dont have too much time to post but I have been in a similar situation.

Don't work to live...live to work. (Find something you love to do and you will be a better person for you, your son and whomever you are with).

[oliegirl]

I would definitely say go to speak with a lawyer and see what your options are. It might take a chunk of your $50K to end up with joint custody or full custody of your son, but if she is as shallow as you say, a good lawyer might be able to buy her off (for lack of a better term). You definitely need to do something though or you'll spend the rest of your life thinking "what if" and wishing you had taken this opportunity. Good luck...

[sterlingice]

You could probably hire a decent hitman for 50k....








(KIDDING!!!! ...mostly)
Fixed ;)

SI

[King of New York]

There's no easy answer here--but let me throw out another possibility. You stick around until your kid is old enough to live on his own; and then you split. You'll be just past forty when that happens--I know, when you're not even twenty-five yet, forty/forty-five is as good as dead, but the fact of the matter is you'll still have a chance to create a whole new life for yourself.

I'm not saying that this advice is better than the advice to split now--I really have no idea--but if you split and wind up in a job as unfulfilling as the one you have now (and that's more likely than not going to happen), then you wind up with the worst of all possible worlds: your kid is no longer as fully a part of your life, and your job situation is as bad as ever.

[amdaily]

There's no easy answer here--but let me throw out another possibility. You stick around until your kid is old enough to live on his own; and then you split. You'll be just past forty when that happens--I know, when you're not even twenty-five yet, forty/forty-five is as good as dead, but the fact of the matter is you'll still have a chance to create a whole new life for yourself.

I'm not saying that this advice is better than the advice to split now--I really have no idea--but if you split and wind up in a job as unfulfilling as the one you have now (and that's more likely than not going to happen), then you wind up with the worst of all possible worlds: your kid is no longer as fully a part of your life, and your job situation is as bad as ever.

Of course if the kid decides to be a professional student and live at home until he is 23 and counting, that sort of derails that whole plan ;)

[Flasch186]

perhaps let someone kick your girlfriend in the mouth so you straighten here out fixing that....then someone kicks your boss in the mouth so that helps the job situation. I have found a swift kick in the mouth can adjust many an attitude. Speaking of which, where is Duckman? (I JOKE!!!)

[bosshogg23]

Being miserable staying with your GF wouldnt be an option for me. Kids are smart enough to pick up on those situations and you want him to be raised in the happiest situation possible. Your happiness greatly affects his.

[Ksyrup]

Being miserable staying with your GF wouldnt be an option for me. Kids are smart enough to pick up on those situations and you want him to be raised in the happiest situation possible. Your happiness greatly affects his.

Bingo. You have to think of him before you think of yourself (in terms of making sure he grows up in the best possible situation vs. you having 24/7 contact with him). I know, it's easy for those of us not in your situation to give that kind of advice, but if something happened between my wife and me, I would not want our kids living through a loveless/hateful relationship. Your kid will suffer, and you will see it pretty plainly.

[Franklinnoble]

perhaps let someone kick your girlfriend in the mouth so you straighten here out fixing that....then someone kicks your boss in the mouth so that helps the job situation. I have found a swift kick in the mouth can adjust many an attitude. Speaking of which, where is Duckman? (I JOKE!!!)

He's already paid for a boob job. He doesn't want to be on the hook for dental work next.

[GoSeahawks]

Update

I never responded to this thread because I wasn’t sure which path I wanted to take. I thought about everything from hiring a lawyer, leaving the country, employing a hit man, going back to school and possibly just staying put until my son was old enough. Just kidding about the hit man part.

Anyway, the last couple months have been pretty bad in our relationship. We’ve been fighting about everything and when I say fighting I mean she sits there and bitches at me while I act catatonic. Then she gets mad at me for not caring and I respond by telling her that I don’t care. I can recall at least ten instances in the past couple months where I’ve said, “I don’t love you and that’s why I don’t say I love you.”

Last Thursday I finally had enough. The night before I couldn’t sleep for some reason. I tried going to bed at 10pm. By midnight I decided to get up and play on the computer. I stayed up for hours and finally got to sleep at 6:15am. My brother showed up at 6:45am and wanted me to put in a marathon poker session with him, so I was up. I didn’t get a wink of sleep until 5pm Thursday night.

After an hour of sleeping I woke up and walked into my living room and saw my girlfriend sitting in front of my computer going through my Myspace account. As soon as she saw me she closed the browser and acted like nothing was going on. I sat down and opened up Myspace. I had no new messages, so I clicked the sent messages button to see if anyone had responded to me. I saw that three people had responded to messages I sent earlier in the day. I check my inbox and they were nowhere to be found. I check the trash and it had been emptied. These weren’t girls either, they were just guy friends that I talk to online. For some reason my gf thought it was better to destroy the evidence so she deleted the messages before I read them.

Next I signed out of my account and logged into hers. She walks up to the computer and says, “What are you doing?”
“Well, since you’re going through my account I’m going through yours.”
“No! I was going through yours because you never tell me anything.”

That basically started the biggest fight of our relationship. It felt like a great time to get everything off my chest. I told her everything that I’ve always wanted to say. I let her know why I stayed with her for so long. I told her that I haven’t loved her for four years. I even said, “You know what I do love about you? I love it when you take naps because it’s time I don’t have to spend with you.”

Needless to say she begged me to stay which I found repulsive after all was said. I packed all my clothes, computer, toiletries, 360 and left. I headed to my parents house and now I’m living in the basement. LOL, and there is no 25 year old in the country who’s prouder to be living in his parents basement.

Something else that worked out well for me is my situation with Noah (son). He gets to stay with me 5-6 nights a week because she works at 3am. It doesn’t bother me at all because he’s been with me so much throughout his life. I’d prefer to have him all the time, but it will never happen. As I write this he’s laying in the bed sort of half awake keeping his eye on me. I feel good right now.

Also, I quit my job and went back to school for a little bit this summer. I took an accelerated A&P class at Portland State, but it was so brutal that I only finished one quarter which took three weeks. If anyone is looking to do something that’s really not fun I’d suggest taking that class the whole 9 weeks.

I also decided what I’m going to do with my money. I’m going to trade in the S&P500. My parents have been doing it for a couple hours each morning for the past couple months and have been very successful. They are both considering retirement and have offered to teach me how to trade. Hopefully it works out well for me. I’m very optimistic right now.

Lastly, a basement sounds like a bad living situation, but it’s not. It’s actually the bottom story of a three level house. It’s 2 bedrooms with a giant master bathroom. There’s a brand new kitchen, living room and a theatre room. The basement is 2200 sqft, so it’s much bigger than anything I’ve lived in since I moved out. My bedroom is enormous and it’s fully air conditioned. I hope I don’t get used to this.

[GoSeahawks]

Dola,
I also wanted to thank everyone for the advice. It really helped my decision knowing how detrimental it would be for Noah to grow up in a dysfunctional family. I started noticing something about him that wasn’t normal.

We’ve taught Noah to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you‘. Now whenever he wants something he says please and once he gets it he says thank you. We’ve tried teaching him to say “I love you” once one of us says it to him, but he never does. And I realized the reason he does this is probably because my ex would always say it to me and I would never respond. I think Noah picked up on it and he now thinks if someone says, ‘I love you’ you’re supposed to ignore it. Does anyone think that’s coincidental? Anyway, I just thought it was interesting because he is capable of saying it.

[Eaglesfan27]

Kids pick up on a lot of things. It's really amazing.

[21C]

Kudos on taking the big step.

I hope it works out well for you. By the sounds of things, it already is paying off.

[Celeval]

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[Antmeister]

Congrats sir. It is good to get everything off your chest. Keeping that crap in wouldn't have been great for your health otherwise. Wishing you luck with you and your son in the future.

[Grammaticus]

Oh, and use condoms so this does not happen again. Not that your unhappy to have Noah, but because you want to have the next one with the right girl.

[Grammaticus]

Dola,

I like the note on packing up the 360! A man has got to have his priorities :-)

[Noddadropp]

Good for you! At least you weren't married.

[MikeVic]

Good to see someone take charge of their life like this. Good luck in the future!

[DaddyTorgo]

so this means that good-looking girl is single hmmm? :confused:

i just might put up with the crazy for a piece of that:confused:

[DaddyTorgo]

dola

all kidding aside...good for you!

[ice4277]

I'm glad to hear you got out of this situation. Best of luck with things in the future.

[Subby]

I even said, “You know what I do love about you? I love it when you take naps because it’s time I don’t have to spend with you.”
I am glad you grew the balls to get out of that relationship because some of the stuff you said to her would probably have gotten you killed eventually...

[tanglewood]

so this means that good-looking girl with a boob job is single hmmm? :confused:

:D

[tanglewood]

Congratulations GS, I think you will be much happoer in your life now. Remember, you only live once, so make the most of every second you get.

[Subby]

Fortunately, I have not yet traded my copy of Net Detective...

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h250/nathan_hicks/beach1.jpg

[dawgfan]

Good job GS - you needed to get out of that situation and make changes, and you've started that process. Life is too short to waste time on miserable situations. Congrats on taking these big steps...

[cubboyroy1826]

Congrat GS you made the right although tough choice. Good luck in your new mansion and in your future. You would not believe the stuff kids pick up on, they are like little sponges.

[Noddadropp]

Fortunately, I have not yet traded my copy of Net Detective...

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h250/nathan_hicks/beach1.jpg

Now those are some luscious cans. Note how the child isn't attached.

[Noddadropp]

*edit for change in time zone*

[Noddadropp]

*edited duplicate*

[Noddadropp]

And inconsistency appears. While, I agree with the first part of the above statement, I find the inconsistency between this post and your other argument amusing.

You know what I find amusing? Those fun-bags!

Am I fitting in yet? I hope so!!

[saldana]

And I realized the reason he does this is probably because my ex would always say it to me and I would never respond. I think Noah picked up on it and he now thinks if someone says, ‘I love you’ you’re supposed to ignore it. Does anyone think that’s coincidental? Anyway, I just thought it was interesting because he is capable of saying it.


honestly i wouldnt worry about this at all...my daughter was 2 last month, she say all the mannerly things, please, thank you, excuse me, no thank you....but it has only been in the past week or so when she started saying i love you to my wife and i, and she does it rather poorly at that, even though my wife and i say it to each other or to her on a very regular basis.

[saldana]

dola, glad you got out of a shitty situation, good luck, and can i borrow a couple hundred bucks to by a 360 with? ;)

[DaddyTorgo]

who woulda thought a girl that remotely good-looking could be quite so batshit crazy?

[saldana]

the boob job came out well

[Eaglesfan27]

Now those are some luscious cans. Note how the child isn't attached.


And inconsistency appears. While, I agree with the first part of the above statement, I find the inconsistency between this post and your other argument amusing.

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

Fortunately, I have not yet traded my copy of Net Detective...

http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h250/nathan_hicks/beach1.jpg

Ok see y'all are staring at the hooters, and I'm thinking "Wow I hope they have SPF 50 on that kid or he's going to be a lobster". I'm such a mom. :(

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

Dola - Best of luck to you GS. Doing the right thing is always difficult, doing nothing is the easy part.

[sabotai]

who woulda thought a girl that remotely good-looking could be quite so batshit crazy?

Remember, no matter how sexy she is, no matter how beautiful she is, no matter how alluring she is, someone, somewhere, is tired of her shit.

[DaddyTorgo]

Remember, no matter how sexy she is, no matter how beautiful she is, no matter how alluring she is, someone, somewhere, is tired of her shit.

true that. just goes to show that no one is "perfect"

[saldana]

Remember, no matter how sexy she is, no matter how beautiful she is, no matter how alluring she is, someone, somewhere, is tired of her shit.


we have a similar, but slightly different saying....its not a matter of "if" she is screwed up in the head, but "how much" is she screwed up, and can you deal with it.

[GoSeahawks]

good find. And yes he does have a ton of SPF on. He's my little capser.

[flere-imsaho]

SPF 100 was developed just for that kid. :)

Congrats on the decision and taking control of your life. Best wishes for the future.

Oh, and your parents' basement is larger than my house, FYI. :p

[Desnudo]

That's actually what I was thinking too. Nice boobs for fakes and that kid is going to get roasted unless he has on SPF 1000.

[Desnudo]

who woulda thought a girl that remotely good-looking could be quite so batshit crazy?

Scientists have found no correlation between looks and sanity. A Harvard study found a good looking girl will be batshit crazy because she's been pampered her whole life and can't deal with rejection.