Monster fight in the Flasch household

[Flasch186]

I dont even know where to begin were in the midst of it now, she's in the bathroom, but im sure ill be on here venting in a bit.

[MikeVic]

Paging translator!

Kidding. Hope it wasn't anything too serious.

[Ksyrup]

At least you got the strategic position from which to wage war.

[Eaglesfan27]

Mrs. Eaglesfan and I had a "monster fight" about 3 months before our wedding where the whole thing was even called off for a few days. It all worked out in the end.

[Mustang]

http://images.villagevoice.com/issues/0434/holcomb.jpg

[LoneStarGirl]

There are a lot of people in here waiting patiently to see how this turns out

[sabotai]

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

[Pumpy Tudors]

I'm not leaving work until I get some news up in here.

[GoldenEagle]

In before the lock.

[sachmo71]

In before the lock.

I originally read this as "glock". Whew.

[molson]

It's tremendous that you thought of this while this is going on.

[SirFozzie]

she's probably in the bedroom right now, talking to her mom..

"And the worst part, he's probably talking about it with all his friends on that dork sports board..."

[Huckleberry]

SirFozzie nailed it.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Since Huckleberry is one of only two people on this board who know football, I'm taking his side on everything. Therefore, SirFozzie nailed it.

[kingfc22]

I demand information.

[Flasch186]

So basically she has decided that she doesnt want to have a "big" wedding....however, she wants to not have a wedding at all. We could just go get the cert. cuz it doesnt matter.

Then she says she might want to start a new career in costume design for film, stage, & Television. I explain that that isnt really feasible in JAcksonville, fL as a career and she says she knows so she thought we could just move. I told her absolutely not, that when we first started dating I told her that I did the "move" thing, "chased the dream" and it made me realize how much I loved being here, around my friends and family....that she knew this.

I couldnt believe that this was even a thought process. I have been super supportive of all her pursuits but Im not willing to move to a new place, so she can pursue a new career, when Im exceedingly happy now, and ready start a family within a year or so.

Im just in shock, but I basically told her that she needed to decide if she was happy here or not and that if she wanted to go, than go. Im not mad but I dont want her staying here so that in some years she can resent me and whatever kids we might have in a "what couldve been moment."

Eaglesfan, any advice would be greatly helpful. Im not willing to move and when we first started dating I was abundantly clear about the "plan" and what it involved here.

[Flasch186]

EF, what do you do, continue to talk about it? I dont want to go through with it if she is even considering moving away...or is this most likely fleeting and I should close my eyes and walk blindly?

[Pumpy Tudors]

I don't have any specific advice, but at least it's a good thing that this came up before the wedding.

[Flasch186]

prenup

[ISiddiqui]

Yeah, absolutely...

Though it could be just nervousness, realizing that she'll be tied to Jacksonville forever. Perhaps it was just her thinking aloud and not really meaning it. I'd wait to see what happens in the next few days about this.

[Flasch186]

4.5 yrs and this shit. shocked, im like in a coma.....

[spleen1015]

Keep talking about it, definitely.

[NoMyths]

Always a good idea to put geography above the heart of a woman who loves you.

[NoMyths]

dola...

That said, since her plans seem fairly theoretical, it seems like the idea of "starting a career in costume design" would be difficult to pull off anywhere. If she's seriously arguing for starting that career vs. a life in Jacksonville with you, it's not really about the career.

[Eaglesfan27]

EF, what do you do, continue to talk about it? I dont want to go through with it if she is even considering moving away...or is this most likely fleeting and I should close my eyes and walk blindly?


I can't give you any professional type advice as there are way too many variables. I will say that my wife understood that I had no plans on moving from NJ when we started dating. She still understood that when we got married. Less than 2 years into the marriage, she was unhappy with NJ (the weather, missing her friends, missing her family, etc.) and wanting to return to her home state of Louisiana. I loved living in NJ, but I loved her more.


In general, I think it is good for couples to talk through their arguments, but if things are getting too heated, a break from the argument and resuming a dialogue when they have calmed down is usually good advice.

[SirFozzie]

(sighs)

Flasch, don't take this the wrong way man.. but.. you need to read the wedding vows thing again.

"For richer or poorer, for better or for worse.."

Not

"As long as she wants to stay where I'm comfortable"

If that connection is not there, maybe the relationship isn't destined to work real well...

I'm not saying you should break up or whatever, but definitely consider that a relationship HAS to be a two way street, and only from what you're telling me, it seems like it's two one way streets.

Good luck.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Grab a beer & a microwave burrito.

Then play a game or two of FOF2k7 and enjoy the silence while she's locked in the john...

[Cuckoo]

Since Huckleberry is one of only two people on this board who know football, I'm taking his side on everything. Therefore, SirFozzie nailed it.

I just want to poke my head in here to say this is gold... :D

[Karlifornia]

Here's something that worked for me from personal experience.

Do you love her? If you do, then shave her head while she's asleep. Then, when she wakes up she finds a note you left on the nightstand reading:

"Nobody wants some crazy bald lady designing their costumes. Believe me, your mama already tried."

[Mustang]

Grab a beer & a microwave burrito.

Then play a game or two of FOF2k7 and enjoy the silence while she's locked in the john...

I don't know if beer and burritos are the answer while your significant other is locked in the john is the answer...

Too easy for them to gain the upperhand.



Having said that, if you chased your dream and decided it wasn't for you but, she hasn't (and wants to), this is going to be an issue from now until forever.

[Flasch186]

It isnt about moving, it IS about wanting to start a family of our own around our two families. When things got serious we both agreed that this is what we wanted but now she is talking out of her ass about costume design but it is making me question her commitment to us (she has begun backpedaling). I told her Im totally supportive of everything she says she wants to do. I bought her a piano, I bought her a pottery wheel, I bought her lessons with her guitar, I helped her in everything she has wanted to do but when she says we can put off the wedding (she did say this), move somewhere else where she and I can start from scratch in this craziness, and then someday have a family (she's 27 now) is just asinine. It isnt about my love for her vs. a move from being comfortable....it is about the fulcrum of our goals plans and evolution together.

This is all the while that I have supported us solely while she started her venture into real estate, and am glad to do it because I know that it is for the betterment of hers and our future, and our kids someday....but to go on a lark and scrap everything is out of the question.

[Daimyo]

Marriage is all about dealing with shit like this and working out compromises. If you're willing to go to the power play over something like this, at this point in the relationship, IMO you really need to step back and re-evaluate things.

I think if you were really in love (the kind that can make a marriage last) you'd both be willing to make compromises over things like this for the other. Since neither of you appears willing to sacrifice for the other it is probably much better for both that you discovered this pre-marriage.

[Mustang]

Sounds as though she is all over the board on things and really doesn't know what she wants.

Well.. in the end, if you do compromise on this one, one of the stipulations of this would be that she would have to make a Slave Leia outfit for herself.

[Butter]

now she is talking out of her ass about costume design

Make sure you put it just like that, that will totally help.

[Deattribution]

This is possibly the worst place to be asking for advice on potential marriage, and someone you love as a possible life partner.

Venting is one thing, but not only do most people here have different ideologies, none of them have any clue how you feel about her, or your current living situation beyond what you tell them.

Vent, then talk with one of your friends who knows your situation if you need, then talk with your fiancee. After that, think some more and if you feel like you need to make a decision, do it - but not in the heat of an argument.

edit - for some spelling fixes

[Flasch186]

Marriage is all about dealing with shit like this and working out compromises. If you're willing to go to the power play over something like this, at this point in the relationship, IMO you really need to step back and re-evaluate things.

I think if you were really in love (the kind that can make a marriage last) you'd both be willing to make compromises over things like this for the other. Since neither of you appears willing to sacrifice for the other it is probably much better for both that you discovered this pre-marriage.


She is backpedaling a bit and saying that I shouldnt put so much weight in it. I have suggested that she go to the local LC and look into different avenues and find something that she would like to do so that she can take night courses or whatever and pursue it. She is acting like this isnt a big deal and I am over-reacting (which is common - but I think there are some underlying statements that cause me some concern - rightfully so, i think).

[jbmagic]

Seems to be you looking for an excuse to get out of this relationship.

Look in the mirror.

[Flasch186]

I have convinced her that she should seek the local theaters and offer to work at night or days off in an apprentice sort of thing to see if it is realistic. I do NOT think that she will actually do this, but at least it has completely talked her off the ledge and she realizes that Im not against the career but that I am against a move. I dont know, I told her this makes me question her commitment to us and she said that Im totally over-reacting and she was simply thinking out loud. Scares the shit out of me though, and Im definitely back on the prenup idea, eventhough after 4.5 years I was not going to pursue one.

[duckman]

http://www.abovetopsecret.com/forum/staff/skepticoverlord/dramabomb.jpg

[MacroGuru]

When is the wedding date? Because what I am looking into this is someone sat down and some point within the last week and had an eye-opening moment.

That moment is, I am going to get married, have kids soon, and be a mother, I will be tied down and I don't know what to do, so she panics and you have what you have.

I have seen this happen several times with friends and their wives, mine did the same thing, but she was more afraid of my white trash family than anything else.

Sit and talk with her, work things out, but honestly based upon what you said you have both agreed upon what you have outlined, you have every right to stand fast to that.

[Flasch186]

thank you, macro....that makes me feel better.

Duckman's drama photo with our past doesnt, especially considering all of the threads based on his ex-wife, son, and the lives that intertwine with his. I actually root for him in those, I wonder if he does the same in mine. what an asshole.

[digamma]

I have convinced her that she should seek the local theaters and offer to work at night or days off in an apprentice sort of thing to see if it is realistic. I do NOT think that she will actually do this, but at least it has completely talked her off the ledge and she realizes that Im not against the career but that I am against a move. I dont know, I told her this makes me question her commitment to us and she said that Im totally over-reacting and she was simply thinking out loud. Scares the shit out of me though, and Im definitely back on the prenup idea, eventhough after 4.5 years I was not going to pursue one.


Another idea, of course, is that Orlando is pretty close to you. If she turns out to be serious about it, there may be options closer than moving across the country.

[KevinNU7]

Oh Snap!

[Moss84]

I would break out the pottery wheel, throw a big chunk of clay on it, and put on the "Ghost" CD and discuss your goals again.

[Draft Dodger]

thank you, macro....that makes me feel better.

Duckman's drama photo with our past doesnt, especially considering all of the threads based on his ex-wife, son, and the lives that intertwine with his. I actually root for him in those, I wonder if he does the same in mine. what an asshole.

don't be a dick.

[duckman]

Duckman's drama photo with our past doesnt, especially considering all of the threads based on his ex-wife, son, and the lives that intertwine with his. I actually root for him in those, I wonder if he does the same in mine. what an asshole.

I'm only kidding, Flasch. I thought I lighten the mood up a little bit. :)

[MacroGuru]

Honestly, Flasch came on here with some help, even to vent...I see where he is coming from on the Duckman post...

edit: cause duckman came in and saved the day

[GoldenEagle]

my white trash family

Memphis, Tenn represented!

[MacroGuru]

Memphis, Tenn represented!

LOL! Actually that is where we had the Jerry Springer moment....at Pat O'Brians on Beale...but the White Trash side is here in Utah.....I actually have to say, My dad and sister that live there are not...although my sister has managed to find a few boyfriends that fit the bill.....:D

[Flasch186]

I'm only kidding, Flasch. I thought I lighten the mood up a little bit. :)

sorry, my antenna are way up....I apologize for not getting the motive. Sorry.

[WSUCougar]

Don't put too much stock in the snide comments in the thread, Flasch. That comes with this territory.

But I agree with Macro. I think this equates to a "panic attack" about settling down. But it's also a reality check. Try and cool down a bit and then sit down with her and really discuss it. You said yourself that this isn't about not loving her or moving. Tell her that. Listen to what she says (you don't have to agree, but listen). Try to convey why this is upsetting to you. Share some of your fears about marriage, settling down, etc. Make it an "us" thing to resolve, and not a "me" versus "you."

Good luck.

[Antmeister]

Flasch,

I don't know all the details and intracacies of your relationship, so it is difficult to give advice. But to make light of her dreams sort of sucks.

While they may seem unrealistic and unattainable, you had your goal and aspirations that you chose to pursue no longer. What you suggested is pretty cool, which is to try her hand at local theaters, but if she does prove that she is talented in that area, you may want to reconsider moving
if it will help in a career. So please stop minimizing her aspirations since it appears she is just trying to grasp on a possible goal before she moves into that next stage of life called parenthood.

Of course, I could be totally off because I don't know your guys' history. I know some females who will say things before marriage to see how flexible you will be in the future. Then there are those that make up something because they may have second thoughts on marriage. And this could also be a case where there may be family, friends or coworkers who disapprove of the marriage and she just wants to get away from the drama of where she lives. I just don't know, but I was a little bothered by how you figured this was just a silly pipe dream. Or at least that is the impression I got.

So you have to try to figure out what it is by discussing it with her.

[Flasch186]

Well its lost some of its shine when she wanted to learn the guitar but failed to follow through (its collecting dust), the piano (collecting dust), make jewelry to sell on th internet (not yet), do pottery (wheel has been used once), etc.

In these regards Ive supported every single one to a substantial cost but with energy and positive re-enforcement to boot. But never has something come up where she seemed torn about whether or not to move away from here knowing, admittedly, that that would mean we wouldnt be together. (i reiterate she has backpedaled and minimized this entire event - i dont know if that means I played my cards right or wrong)

I wasnt minimizing her dreams however, There exists an equation to my reaction vs. what she is talking about. This equation crossed the threshold that I have (i have to assume that threshold is different for everyone)...

BTW of course if she does go to work for local theatres and her career takes off, and she gets jobs taking her places which leads to a need to move than that is something to discuss but NOT the idea to move first, and hunt for the career second.

[ISiddiqui]

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. This could be another in a line of activities that she fails to follow through on... and then you'd be left somewhere away from your family and miserable. I'll reiterate what I said before about nerves before the wedding. But it depends on how the next few days go... though the fact that she's willing to go to local theaters is a good sign.

[VPI97]

Most likely, this is just pre-wedding jitters from her. Nothing new to humankind. Just don't get mad and say anything you're going to regret in a few months/years.

[JonInMiddleGA]

That moment is, I am going to get married, have kids soon, and be a mother, I will be tied down and I don't know what to do, so she panics and you have what you have.

Well, you covered my primary take.

Dunno why I get that vibe exactly, just reading between a lot of lines, piecing together the few clues we have & then making an educated guess I suppose, but my instinct said the prospect of getting married equated to motherhood-sooner-rather-than-later for her & she panicked.

Whether that means "I don't really want kids" or "oh shit I'm gonna be a real adult soon" or "oh shit, I haven't done anything with my life yet & now I'm gonna end up a mother & I'm never going to do anything with my life & ..."
or what, I don't know.

But my spidey senses really homed in on the prospect of parenting being a big part of the real motivation behind this in some fashion.

[JPhillips]

Just picking up and moving in hopes of being a costume designer is crazy. The business just doesn't work like that. Wherever she is it's going to take several years before anyone is willing to pay her to do costume work. If she's serious she needs to get some credits and build a portfolio. I'm sure none of ths is news to you, though.

It sounds like she can't find her place in life and that's what's driving her nuts. It's hard when you don't know what you should be doing. In that sense I'd encourage her to start designing for anyone she can find that's doing a show. The apprentice idea is good also. If she's serious and dedicated she'll get work and may eventually meet someone she can work with as an assistant. If she isn't serious she'll burn all her bridges in a few months.

Good luck. I feel for both of you.

[Antmeister]

... I wasnt minimizing her dreams however, There exists an equation to my reaction vs. what she is talking about. This equation crossed the threshold that I have (i have to assume that threshold is different for everyone)...

BTW of course if she does go to work for local theatres and her career takes off, and she gets jobs taking her places which leads to a need to move than that is something to discuss but NOT the idea to move first, and hunt for the career second.

Ahhh okay, so there is a history I knew nothing about. But it is a history that you have dealt with before. So you basically have to find out why she wants to move so badly. There's gotta be something, especially since a big wedding is not important to her anymore. It probably has less to do with costume designing and more with getting away from something/someone. She still seems she wants to go through the marriage, but with no people around. Damn it, talk to the woman and then you could feed us the juicy details. :D......Okay, just kidding.

[dawgfan]

..."oh shit I'm gonna be a real adult soon" or "oh shit, I haven't done anything with my life yet & now I'm gonna end up a mother & I'm never going to do anything with my life & ..."
I suspect this is closest to the truth. Flasch, you've been with her for 4.5 years and she's now 27, right? Given her history of expressing interest in a number of different things and then not following through, I'm getting the picture of someone that really hasn't figured out what they want to do with their life yet. This fight, to me, is about the weighty reality of a marriage and potentially kids coming up on her quickly and the perception that this limits her life options, and she's freaking about it.

Regarding her attempts at trying new things and then not following through - it's great that you're supportive, but it's also OK to point out that, while you want to be supportive, you also want to see a little more effort on her part to really follow-through on these plans and that you're not going to continue to spend a bunch of money on every whim that comes into her head - at least to the extent that these expenses are a burden to you financially. If they're not really much of a burden, then it's not something to get upset about.

I would agree that you should be a little more flexible about the idea of possibly moving in the future. If you really love her, you should be willing to consider compromises like these - yeah, it may make a lot of sense in your head based on what you have envisioned for your life together for you to stay in Jacksonville, and you may have made that clear from the start, but shit can change, and if you really have the loving commitment to her that will be necessary for a marriage that lasts, you'll be willing to consider moving at some point.

Let things chill out for a bit, and then revisit the conversation from another angle - get to the root of what's potentially bugging her. Ask her about what her goals in life are, if she's happy, what she sees her life looking like down the road. If she doesn't know, that's OK - talk about it and figure out what you need to do to help her figure that out. I'd also say that if she really is freaked-out about her future, it's OK to postpone the wedding - in fact, it would be a good idea. Better now than 5 years down the road when you are facing a divorce.

[st.cronin]

According to the Catholic Church, any woman who doesn't keep her promise to get married, MUST enter a convent for the rest of her life. It's not a bad rule, imo.

[flere-imsaho]

Most likely, this is just pre-wedding jitters from her. Nothing new to humankind. Just don't get mad and say anything you're going to regret in a few months/years.

Quoted for truth.

[Glengoyne]

According to the Catholic Church, any woman who doesn't keep her promise to get married, MUST enter a convent for the rest of her life. It's not a bad rule, imo.

My wife says that this sounds like someone who has been stood up.

I'm wondering what the Catholics say about women who get married, and then have affairs within the first year? I'm just wondering what happened to my ex, as she was boffing a catholic within months of our marriage.

[albionmoonlight]

1.) Talk about this when you are both in a more rational frame of mind. Don't allow her to put it off because it is a "hard" conversation.

2.) Reading between the lines, it sounds like you feel that she "owes" you something because you have supported her hobbies/interests for the last few years. Does she know that you feel this way? Would she agree with you? Marriage is not a business partnership. It's not about an equal exchange of economic and/or emotional capital. It is about loving someone and being willing to support them, not simply because you are hoping to bank some capital in the future, but because you love them and want what's best for them.

Now, of course, one must also look out for one's own needs. No one has the right to leech all of your emotional energy, even if they are your girlfriend/wife. It's like putting the air-mask on yourself first before you put in on your kids when the cabin loses pressure. You are no good to anyone until you make sure that you are in a stable place from which you can provide support.

This is fucking hard.

The line between taking care of yourself, while also freely giving to a cherished spouse, is one that I am still trying to nail down myself.

In your case, you went through all of this "sacrifice" for her flighty interests, which you appear to resent, and are now using that as moral justification when she expresses a need with which you are not comfortable.

In some ways, I wonder if you have been giving up too much of yourself in chasing her hobbies (or, more to the point, it sounds like you feel that way) and are not now giving enough of yourself in listening to what she seems to want right now.

Good luck.

[Ksyrup]

In your case, you went through all of this "sacrifice" for her flighty interests, which you appear to resent, and are now using that as moral justification when she expresses a need with which you are not comfortable.

I don't necessarily see it that way. I definitely think there's some resentment there, but only in the sense that, given her history, he undoubtedly can't believe she has the gall to not only suggest a new interest that she wants to pursue, but that she wants them to move so that she can pursue it. I'd be a bit floored by that as well. I think the fact that it involves a move when it sounds like they were on the same page before about staying where they are, just compounds the issue.

Having said that, Flasch needs to compose himself and come up with a plan to "talk her down" a bit, while being supportive of her efforts to find her niche. It's obvious that she is struggling to find her own identity and may not be comfortable (like my wife is, frankly) with simply playing the wife/mother role for the next 15-20 years. But I agree with Flasch that it's absurd to think her latest idea is viable, given what they have talked about and the fact that she's wasted opportunities in the past.

[Flasch186]

I don't necessarily see it that way. I definitely think there's some resentment there, but only in the sense that, given her history, he undoubtedly can't believe she has the gall to not only suggest a new interest that she wants to pursue, but that she wants them to move so that she can pursue it. I'd be a bit floored by that as well. I think the fact that it involves a move when it sounds like they were on the same page before about staying where they are, just compounds the issue.

Having said that, Flasch needs to compose himself and come up with a plan to "talk her down" a bit, while being supportive of her efforts to find her niche. It's obvious that she is struggling to find her own identity and may not be comfortable (like my wife is, frankly) with simply playing the wife/mother role for the next 15-20 years. But I agree with Flasch that it's absurd to think her latest idea is viable, given what they have talked about and the fact that she's wasted opportunities in the past.

What you said is more how I feel. I dont resent her for pursuing interests. In comparison, I love it, I have a friend who Fiancee doesnt seem to have any and that weighs on him hard because he feels he is the core of everything for her including, "to do" stuff, and entertainment. I simply feel that I have proven in the past that I will support her endeavors energy wise and financially if we can. I do frown on the fact that she hasnt followed through on them but I dont think I resent it, I think it simply minimizes the amount of credence I put in "new" things, but I hope that doesnt register in my reactions and face. I usually do not bring up financials and my support BUT during this conversation, when she discusses her willingness to give up everything we have to move in this chase (which isnt reality in my view), it makes me feel that she is/has taken for granted what we have/earned/worked for. There is a part of me that feels that if she were contributing more to that end, perhaps she would value it more? Like the difference between the kid who buys his own car with his hard earned money vs. the one the parents give the kid. Im not trying to sound like a parent but I wonder if the human mind doesnt work the same way in the scenarios.

Edit to add: I dunno, ive never been down this path before.

[CraigSca]

Flasch,

I have to say, I'm on your side with this one. She seems to have a history of a "career of the moment" mentality, and it's about time she finds out what she wants to do.

Personally, I would have a little resentment if I invested time, money and support in her endeavors only for her to ignore them later. She has a track record, and now her track record wants you to move out of your comfort zone.

Hey, if she played acoustic guitar, was a concert pianist and had clay ashtrays all around your house, I'd say she was on to something. However, from what you've communicated here, it sounds like this is just her idea of the moment. The fact that she wants to uproot and possibly change wedding plans because of it would scare the heck out of me, too.

[Raiders Army]

Some generic advice since I don't know what your relationship is exactly:

You gotta do the right thing.
Weigh the positives and negatives and select the right course of action.
Look at the big picture.
Remember that with every stormcloud there is a silver lining.

[st.cronin]

Some generic advice since I don't know what your relationship is exactly:

You gotta do the right thing.
Weigh the positives and negatives and select the right course of action.
Look at the big picture.
Remember that with every stormcloud there is a silver lining.

Don't forget:

Always count your change.
Never eat yellow snow.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Don't forget:

Always count your change.
Never eat yellow snow.

Also:
1) Don't tug on Superman's cape.
2) Don't spit into the wind.
3) Don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger.
4) Don't mess around with Jim.

[timmae]

My solution...

Talk to her about your lives together without location, family etc in the equation. i.e. are the 2 of you serious about spending the rest of your lives together.

If the answer is yes, then the rest will work itself out and you'll learn to live with each others shortcomings.

If the answer is "I am not sure" then have "The" talk.

I guarantee that this will not be the last time you have the "location" talk with her so just make sure that the 2 of you are in agreement that you love will triumph all.

That is all..

[JPhillips]

I'd also say this could be good for you guys. The one piece of serious marriage advice I have is to wait until you've had a fight big enough that you can't imagine marrying that person. If you find out that you still can't live without her your marriage will likely be long-term.

[Dutch]

Most likely, this is just pre-wedding jitters from her. Nothing new to humankind. Just don't get mad and say anything you're going to regret in a few months/years.

This is basically what I was thinking. Hell, I had them. :)

The best news for you right now is this is out in the open and once ya'll stop being mad at each other, you can actually discuss it.

Good luck and remember, whatever both of you choose is the right choice.

[Toddzilla]

FWIW - and I may or may not be the best person to give advice on how best to treat your lady - let her know that she is worth fighting for.

Don't give in, don't abandon what you believe, or need, and don't marginalize what is important to you.

But when you tell a woman "if you'd be happier elsewhere, just go", that says to them that they mean nothing to you, and *that*, more than any disagreement or difference of opinion, is what is going to hurt her the most.

[DanGarion]

So basically she has decided that she doesnt want to have a "big" wedding....however, she wants to not have a wedding at all. We could just go get the cert. cuz it doesnt matter.

Then she says she might want to start a new career in costume design for film, stage, & Television. I explain that that isnt really feasible in JAcksonville, fL as a career and she says she knows so she thought we could just move. I told her absolutely not, that when we first started dating I told her that I did the "move" thing, "chased the dream" and it made me realize how much I loved being here, around my friends and family....that she knew this.

I couldnt believe that this was even a thought process. I have been super supportive of all her pursuits but Im not willing to move to a new place, so she can pursue a new career, when Im exceedingly happy now, and ready start a family within a year or so.

Im just in shock, but I basically told her that she needed to decide if she was happy here or not and that if she wanted to go, than go. Im not mad but I dont want her staying here so that in some years she can resent me and whatever kids we might have in a "what couldve been moment."

Eaglesfan, any advice would be greatly helpful. Im not willing to move and when we first started dating I was abundantly clear about the "plan" and what it involved here.

Damn, I wish I had some advice, especially since I'm one of the newlyweds here on the board, but fortunately we didn't run into any problems like this. But I think all of this will work out, she's probably just getting nervous with the planning and everything of the wedding.

[DanGarion]

thank you, macro....that makes me feel better.



What Marco said is dead on. This is something that happens a lot as time gets closer to the big day.

[Desnudo]

This is possibly the worst place to be asking for advice on potential marriage, and someone you love as a possible life partner.

Venting is one thing, but not only do most people here have different ideologies, none of them have any clue how you feel about her, or your current living situation beyond what you tell them.

Vent, then talk with one of your friends who knows your situation if you need, then talk with your fiancee. After that, think some more and if you feel like you need to make a decision, do it - but not in the heat of an argument.

edit - for some spelling fixes

Actually, it's the only place he's going to get an unbiased opinion on this situation. Everyone else will color it based on their own biases. EF27 gives better advice than most people I know personally. I would think he's smart enough to filter out the bs.