PING EF (anyone else too)

[Flasch186]

Im having to play Dr. Phil w/ BF and BFW today. apparently last night it blew up. He plays too much Call of Duty. She smothers him. He feels like he has to walk on eggshells around her especially when it comes to anything risque (ie. Skinemax). She feels like anything risque is Porno-like and terrible and it's a "Black or white" issue. He says he wasn't looking at whatever. she says she doesnt believe him and believes "he would lie to me." but that isn't the main issue. They bottle everything up until it explodes...like now.

I'm not really sure how to get them both to be compromisable and how to get them to be empathetic towards eachother. I've got them both to admit that it's not about being "right v. wrong" but Im afraid that getting them to think this through without the emotional screaming and yelling they may realize that things are bad.

They just got married 2 weeks ago BUT theyve been fighting like this for a year.

help :(

[Pumpy Tudors]

I don't know the answer, but this stuff seems to happen far too often. Why get married if you have these kinds of issues? Oh, well. Good luck to you and to them.

[Butter]

Surely EaglesFan27 will be able to fix this problem in a paragraph or two.

[Flasch186]

Surely EaglesFan27 will be able to fix this problem in a paragraph or two.

no but perhaps a thought or two or a hot button to avoid would be insightful from someone I respect.

not you obviously asshat.

[TroyF]

Had these problems for a year, married for two weeks. . . Nice.

They need professional help. They needed professional help BEFORE this point and didn't get it. No time like NOW to start.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I don't know the answer, but this stuff seems to happen far too often. Why get married if you have these kinds of issues? Oh, well. Good luck to you and to them.

Agreed. Far too many people are jumping into marriage in these situations. He noted that they've been fighting like this for a year, but got married anyway. People seem to think that getting married will somehow help the issue. In fact, if you have problems before, it will likely only make the situation worse when you live every single moment with that person.

To be honest, assuming that the wife in this situation didn't like her significant other playing video games or watching 'porno' movies, I find quite a bit of fault with her in not working this out before they were married. Certainly, he could moderate his gaming and movie watching as well. It's got to be give and take. I'd also guess that they might find some bigger problems in the relationship if they dug through those smaller gripes.

[rkmsuf]

Had these problems for a year, married for two weeks. . . Nice.

They need professional help. They needed professional help BEFORE this point and didn't get it. No time like NOW to start.

i have complete faith he can solve this.

he might not have a clue about defrosting a refrigerator but this...it's a piece of cake.

[Flasch186]

Agreed. Far too many people are jumping into marriage in these situations. He noted that they've been fighting like this for a year, but got married anyway. People seem to think that getting married will somehow help the issue. In fact, if you have problems before, it will likely only make the situation worse when you live every single moment with that person.

To be honest, assuming that the wife in this situation didn't like her significant other playing video games or watching 'porno' movies, I find quite a bit of fault with her in not working this out before they were married. Certainly, he could moderate his gaming and movie watching as well. It's got to be give and take. I'd also guess that they might find some bigger problems in the relationship if they dug through those smaller gripes.

thx I agree with all of this but Im getting tongue tied in my delivery because every now and then one of them will dig their heels in and start a "right v. wrong" diatribe.

[stevew]

What does 3R think about the situation?

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

thx I agree with all of this but Im getting tongue tied in my delivery because every now and then one of them will dig their heels in and start a "right v. wrong" diatribe.

1. My suggestion would be that you need to avoid getting involved at all costs. You being in the conversation only complicates the issues. She could easily see this as a situation where you two are ganging up on her, even if that's not your intent. You aren't going to be able to help this situation.

2. They need to go to a counselor to talk things out as quickly as possible. I have no doubt that EF27 will give you this recommendation.

[Pumpy Tudors]

What does 3R think about the situation?
wow awkward

[miked]

If your significant other thinks you are spending too much time on video games, you likely are. Until the next major advancement, you can't fuck a PS3 or XBox, so it seems like an open and shut issue to me :)

[FrogMan]

hrm, maybe you should have started a "ping: flere" thread first, explained it there, then started a "ping: EF27" thread and linked to flere's diagram... :D

just kidding, it's not an easy situation you are into, and there's not much I can say to help you, or them I'm afraid...

FM

[Lathum]

Sounds like they need some comprimise in their relationship.

How long does he play for? Does she have a legit beef?


As for the risque stuff that is probably something embedded in her from her childhood and is probably something much deeper that they will have to explore. However, if the risque issues spill into the bedroom there is probably no hope in the long term unless she changes.

[gstelmack]

If your significant other thinks you are spending too much time on video games, you likely are. Until the next major advancement, you can't fuck a PS3 or XBox, so it seems like an open and shut issue to me :)

Introducing my wife to Lemmings fixed this problem for me. Now she's a video game programmer even :D

I suspect BF is going to lose the Skinemax argument, and it sounds like a good initial compromise here.

But yeah, if they were fighting over these things BEFORE the marriage, they aren't likely to stop now without outside help. And another friend should not be the outside help.

[Flasch186]

alright, so I need to back out politely and tell them that they should work with eachother on compromises.

How do you say, "You all should seek professional help." without sounding like a doomsayer?

[EagleFan]

I recommend you ask EF27 this one.... :)

[Dr. Sak]

Tell them you don't like being stuck in the middle because you don't want to alienate one or the other by stating an opinion. Then say maybe they should talk to someone impartial...someone professional who will look at the situation from the outside without any prior knowledge. Maybe he/she has had more experience with this that you have had, and they will be able to point them down the right path.

[TroyF]

alright, so I need to back out politely and tell them that they should work with eachother on compromises.

How do you say, "You all should seek professional help." without sounding like a doomsayer?

Huh? I don't get this. You are being a doomsayer. A truthful one. If they don't fix this $%@$, their marriage is going to end, probably sooner than later.

Or maybe they just like the drama. If that's the case, it's all the more reason you need to get the hell away.

[TroyF]

If your significant other thinks you are spending too much time on video games, you likely are. Until the next major advancement, you can't fuck a PS3 or XBox, so it seems like an open and shut issue to me :)

Don't agree with this at all. In some cases, the women may decide 25 minutes a day is too much, but won't have a problem if the guy sits on his ass doing a crossword puzzle for those 25 minutes.

I'm not saying a guy should spend 25 hours a week on video games. Yet if video games are the guys hobby, telling him 2 hours a week is too much time is ridiculous.

It's not nearly as open/shut as this.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

alright, so I need to back out politely and tell them that they should work with eachother on compromises.

How do you say, "You all should seek professional help." without sounding like a doomsayer?

Another way to say it is pointing out the opportunity for both of them to vent their feelings on someone. Releasing that stuff is very helpful.

[rkmsuf]

Huh? I don't get this. You are being a doomsayer. A truthful one. If they don't fix this $%@$, their marriage is going to end, probably sooner than later.

Or maybe they just like the drama. If that's the case, it's all the more reason you need to get the hell away.

I think he likes it too.

[Fidatelo]

I think you should suggest that they do it in the butt.

[Young Drachma]

Happens all too often, sadly. People need to work this stuff out way before they decide to commit to each other for life.

[Young Drachma]

You're a good friend to help, though. I know what it's like being that listening board friend and it's not the most fun spot to be in.

[Lathum]

How much time does he spend playing video games?

[flere-imsaho]

If two partners have been fighting pretty constantly for a year, it's time to either:

1. Admit they like fighting (and hopefully the hawt makeup sex0ring).
2. Break up.
3. See a counselor.

As for how to suggest it to them, I'll echo the suggestions here about framing it as "it may benefit you to have an impartial, 3rd party, professional to help you talk through some of this stuff."

But yeah, good luck.

[Lorena]

How much time does he spend playing video games?

Yes, I'm curious too.

[Flasch186]

How much time does he spend playing video games?

IMO, too much, but like TroyF stated, Ive always felt that that definition was subjective and not one to place on someone else or their relationship. It's MP Call of Duty and he's on it a lot but again, would she think so if she was right next to him playing WOW all the time too? probably not.

I think it's a lot though.

The biggest problem, IMO, with his style of play is that he gets locked in. He talks to the people and can get stuck playing for 8 hours and he cant do anything else.

While I may have my laptop open on the counter for 8 hours too....but in FM I clicked end turn, and went and played a board game with my wife. Playing of a turn based game runs in the background of my life where with his it becomes that block of life.

There are some +/- in the above.

[Pumpy Tudors]

I feel like we're a pretty close community here at FOFC, so there's something I'd like to share with you all. If you don't like it, then you're not part of the community.

I introduced my wife to video games about 7 years ago, a few years before we got married. I told her that I'd been playing video games for most of my life, and I thought that maybe she would enjoy them, too, especially if we played video games together. She was really excited about the idea.

We scheduled a time for her first video game experience. It was a Thursday evening right after I got home from work. I stopped at the mall and picked up something new so it would be a brand new experience for both of us. At the mall, I bought a Nerf football and six big bags of the M&M's with the peanuts inside. I brought them home and asked her to lie down on the bed and close her eyes, and then I got out the rubber cement, turned on my electric toothbrush, prepared the Nerf ball and the M&M's, and I gave her the business.

Wouldn't you know, that broad from Tennessee had a different definition of "playing video games" than I did. Now I play video games for at least six hours a day, and she stays the hell away from me while I do it. My life isn't all that bad.

God, I miss that toothbrush.

[lighthousekeeper]

I think you should suggest that they do it in the butt.

thank you for making the time spent reading this thread worthwhile.

[Lathum]

8 hours is to much.

[rkmsuf]

He plays for 8 hours at a time?

then he watches skinamax?

hahahahahahahahahahaha

[gkb]

I think in this situation the only thing to do is suggest a threesome. That usually solves all of those little relationship problems that people have...

Although Pumpy's story of a toothbrush, candy, and a Nerf is pretty awesome as well.

[Flasch186]

He plays for 8 hours at a time?

then he watches skinamax?

hahahahahahahahahahaha

I dont know if it's 8 but Im saying due to that style of game MMPORG whatever they are (I refuse to play them), it could be. In her head 3 hours could "feel like 8." that's Troy F's point (i think). Im not there so I dont know how often he plays but to her it's too much and Ive heard that those type of games people can play for a long long time.

[CU Tiger]

8 hours is to much.
/day?
Probably so
/week?
Maybe
/month?
Nah
/year?
Not enough....


See its all about relativity.

As to real advice. I found myself in a very similar situation recently. The way I slipped out of it was by telling my friends I wwas surprised how much help a professional had been at a similar time in my life (which honestly was total fiction, I had never talked to a shrink, but these two were so f'ed up when I got in the middle I wanted out) they reluctantly agreed, since it worked for me. And now 3 months later both thank me every time the see me.

*shrug*

[bbor]

I will never brush my teeth again.

[Lathum]

/day?
Probably so
/week?
Maybe
/month?
Nah
/year?
Not enough....


See its all about relativity.




I don't really see what your getting at since he clearly stated 8 hours at a time.

I understand relativity, but if he is playing a videogame for an 8 hour stretch or even a 5 hour stretch and that game requires his undivided attention then his wife has every right to be upset.

Without more knowledge of the situation I would also thing that he feels his wife is to smothering because she bothers him while he is playing his game, and he perceives that as her smothering him.

[rkmsuf]

She needs to dress up like little bo peep and blow this guy more and he needs to put down his joystick more.

problem solved.

[Flasch186]

She needs to dress up like little bo peep and blow this guy more and he needs to put down his joystick more.

problem solved.

agreed.

[Flasch186]

Without more knowledge of the situation I would also thing that he feels his wife is to smothering because she bothers him while he is playing his game, and he perceives that as her smothering him.

I agree, I think that its the chicken/egg. He views her as smothering due to his addiction to the game. I think that HE needs to compromise more than she (and that's saying a lot since he's like my brother) but It's hard for them to see the err in their ways. Instead they point fingers and scream...

[PilotMan]

It sounds like neither one of them are willing to compromise. Right now, they both sound immature and they both need to grow up a little. Their marriage is a life that they share now. If he still wants to be single and have a roomate for a bang buddy he should have thought about that when he said "I do."

As for her, it seems like she wants just a little validation that she has some say in the relationship. Since the porn is an issue with her, she wants him to take it seriously. She feels that if he doesn't than he isn't respecting her feelings.

She needs to realize that the porn and his relationship to it existed way before she did, and that it really has nothing to do with her. (good luck with that one.)

She certainly needs to try and be a little more understanding of him, and he needs to realize that if he doesn't put a little more effort into her, that she isn't going to be around for very long, and she will leave a miserable person, worse off for having spent so much time with him. Ask him if his conscience is willing to deal with that.

[TroyF]

I dont know if it's 8 but Im saying due to that style of game MMPORG whatever they are (I refuse to play them), it could be. In her head 3 hours could "feel like 8." that's Troy F's point (i think). Im not there so I dont know how often he plays but to her it's too much and Ive heard that those type of games people can play for a long long time.

Yes, my point was that if he was playing the game for about 10 hours a week and she threw a fit about it, maybe the problem was on her.

If he's going 8+ hours in one sitting with his wife in the house, he should expect to get yelled at. Hell, that's called respect. It's not a complicated concept. If he's playing an hour or so a night while she watches Survivor in another room, that's different.

The video game issue can be solved. There is an easy way for each person to give some ground up there. The Skinemax thing? That's more of a moral issue. You can watch Skinemax type shows on HBO or Showtime too. If she's that bothered by it and he likes it, that's a moral issue and I'm not really sure how you get around it unless one person decides the marriage is more important. There really is no compromise there. If she sees it in black and white, she either wins or changes the way she looks at the issue.

They didn't work these issues out before they got married, I hope to God they figure them out before they have kids.

[Pumpy Tudors]

They didn't work these issues out before they got married, I hope to God they figure them out before they have kids.
I'm agree. Bigtime.

[King of New York]

I seem to recall, a long time ago, EF27 saying in a thread (jokingly?) that he did not take on hopeless cases.

That rule might well apply in the case of these two.

My prediction: the marriage won't last two years, regardless of anything that you might or might not do. During that time, they will have a kid in the hope that that solves everything.

[Eaglesfan27]

Happens all too often, sadly. People need to work this stuff out way before they decide to commit to each other for life.

Agreed. My church made me and Mrs. E undergo a 13 week course of premarital therapy before we got married in the church and while our relationship was great, it helped address so many potential issues before they became issues.

Others have already said it, you need to talk them into getting marriage therapy. Your in a no-win situation as you are involved with both of them and no matter what other advice you give it will be seen as taking sides and will damage the relationship with one or the other and it will be dismissed as well because they will feel you are not being impartial.

As far as how to tell them, I'd just tell them that you love them both and that think they need someone impartial to help them with their problems before they become bigger problems. Many normal people enter into therapy, and marriage therapy can be a tremendous boon to a marriage. Good luck with the situation.

[Flasch186]

I was able to communicate to each of them that I thought it might be a good idea to seek a neutral playing field in that of a Marriage counseler or communications specialist. It seemed to be recieved ok.

I did speak to BF today and he said their initial talks last night didn't go well. I believe he was inferring that each of them had their heels dug in.

I was able to say to him that I definitely thought it would be best to get all of this worked out before they even thought about having kids and he agreed.

ugh......

now back to Rock Band on my day off!!

[miked]

My wife is pretty tolerant, but I'm certain if I came home from work and went to the office to play Civ4 for the entire evening, it would not make her happy. Unless of course it was an agreed-upon once a week thing or something. Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather spend time with my wife than play some MMMMORPGPRPG or whatever. Real life >>> fantasy world. But that's just me I guess. I certainly wouldn't marry somebody if I felt playing videogames and watching bad movies to see tits was a bigger priority.

I don't understand why he wouldn't give up the Skinimax. The movies are stupid and the internets were invented so we wouldn't have to sit through and hour or two of bad acting to see some silicone.

[Flasch186]

I dont think I told that side well but that is part of his point, where he is dug in. He says he doesnt watch porn but she'll snap if he passes a show that has a sex scene in it with the noises. Like TroyF says, its all relative but.....

Ive known BF for 25 years and he is not addicted to porn. Although IMO he plays the game too much. The porn is a non-issue and she is just overly sensitive preachy about it.

Either way, theyve got issues and Im glad I got everyone's advice on here because I think that the steering I got from here worked well....at least it got me out of being the moderator, which is good.

[CamEdwards]

I think my first question to both of them, if I decided to immerse myself into their drama, would be: Why did the two of you get married?

Actually, I'd be tempted to ask "Why the FUCK did the two of you get married?", but that's probably not a good way to start out.

Yes, you have to make compromises in marriage. Personally though, I think your BF is going to be the one making compromises. It's easier to put away the XBOX than to change your mindset about sex.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Ive known BF for 25 years and he is not addicted to porn. Although IMO he plays the game too much. The porn is a non-issue and she is just overly sensitive preachy about it.

I would suggest to you that she has good reason to be 'overly sensitive preachy' about it. They just got married. She's going to feel somewhat more possessive of him and wonder why he's not f%$#ing her instead of watching boobs on TV. Her thought is likely "what's wrong with me?".

I had a somewhat similar situation when I first got married. I had a subscription to Playboy that I received even before we were married. She never said anything before we got married, but afterwards, it suddenly became an issue. It wasn't that big of a need for me, so I just didn't renew the subscription when it ran out. She thanked me for the compromise.

Move forward 6 years later. My wife happened to pick up a copy of Playboy since she wanted to see something in that specific issue about a celebrity. After reading through the magazine, she said to me, "You know, Playboy is actually a pretty good magazine." As a result, Playboy now shows up once a month in my mailbox again. :)

Early compromise in a marriage pays off in the long run.

[Fidatelo]

If she has a problem with skinnemax or light porn, the real solution is for BF to go buy a few copies of Hustler, Penthouse, Swank, and maybe some kind of Asian fetish thing. Next time she complains about a show he's watching, he can pull the old Crocodile Dundee "that's not a knife, THIS is a knife!" routine and huck the hard-core pron at her. There are two possible outcomes:

1) She agrees that the TV shows are pretty tame and his tastes could be much worse;
2) She leaves him, at which point he has a good cache of pron to keep him busy through the litigation period.

[Flasch186]

ROFLMAO

[Pumpy Tudors]

I like to loop rips of the Showtime series "Beverly Hills Bordello" on my laptop and just leave it on the bed while I go to work. My wife gets home some nights and sees softcore on my computer, and she thinks it's hilarious.

And by "she thinks it's hilarious," I clearly mean "she wants to hit me with a brick."

[sterlingice]

If your significant other thinks you are spending too much time on video games, you likely are. Until the next major advancement, you can't fuck a PS3 or XBox, so it seems like an open and shut issue to me :)

Yes, because sex as a nuclear option for negotiating is a great relationship building block...

SI

[sterlingice]

They just got married 2 weeks ago BUT theyve been fighting like this for a year.

How long have they been living together? I know a lot of people live together for the first time when they are married or right before. Problem is, there's a good few months of time when both are establishing territory and you *both* learn what is important to each other (really, this isn't an exercise in "yes, dear- whatever you say" unless you make it- see above).

I've seen quite a few couples jump into marriage and into this rocky period, thinking "Man, this is marriage? I hate marriage." When really, it gets much better but there is just this initial period of adjustment that you have to get through.

SI

[sterlingice]

My prediction: the marriage won't last two years, regardless of anything that you might or might not do. During that time, they will have a kid in the hope that that solves everything.

Yup...

SI

[sterlingice]

If she has a problem with skinnemax or light porn, the real solution is for BF to go buy a few copies of Hustler, Penthouse, Swank, and maybe some kind of Asian fetish thing. Next time she complains about a show he's watching, he can pull the old Crocodile Dundee "that's not a knife, THIS is a knife!" routine and huck the hard-core pron at her. There are two possible outcomes:

1) She agrees that the TV shows are pretty tame and his tastes could be much worse;
2) She leaves him, at which point he has a good cache of pron to keep him busy through the litigation period.

Win, win, right? :D

SI