Have you ever been accused of being a child molester?

[wishbone]

I've had a couple experiences in the last 6 months that have really hurt me and felt like I would vent anonymously here.

I've been married 11 years and have a 6 year old son. I feel like our home is stable and loving with little out of the ordinary. My wife and I probably spoil our son a bit, but I've seen worse in our circle of friends, I don't worry about it too much.

Several months ago we received a call from a detective from our local police dept. He stated that he would like to talk to my wife and son. We set up a time and when he arrived I was asked to leave the house. The detective said that at school the class was talking about stranger danger and the question was asked "has anyone ever touched where where your swimsuit covers?". My son raised his hand and said "my dad touches my bottom all the time!". The school called it in and the detective started an investigation. The detective found out that I touched my son's bottom while spanking when he misbehaved, less than once a month and closed the investigation.

Yesterday, my son had a karate school day camp. He had a rough time, getting in trouble several times and was upset when we left. He walked past the pickup and was ignoring me. I drove the pickup to catch up to him (10-15 yards) and then wrapped him up and started talking to him, trying to figure why he was so upset that he was ignoring me and/or not getting in the pickup. After a minute, he got into the pickup. As I was closing the door, 2 ladies from the nearby coffee shop came running up and asked if he was my son and then asked to talk to my son. I cooperated and they talked to him, asked him several times if he wanted to go home with me and some other stuff that I didn't hear. Whatever he said, they were OK with and let us go home.


I'm wondering if this type of thing has happened to anyone else. Is there a child molester vibe I give off? Should I switch deodorant? It hurts and I feel powerless that a snarky comment or some random lady on the street can separate me from my family. At the same time, I am glad that people are watching out for other people and trying to protect kids.

Has anyone else had this happen to them?

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

To be fair, in the second instance, if a guy drives up in a vehicle behind a kid and then gets out of the truck to corral him, I'm going to react the same as those ladies did. In the first instance, it was obviously a misunderstanding.

[Kodos]

This is a tough one to answer. Can you think of any reasons why people might be suspicious in your case? I'll admit that at times I've felt paranoid when playing with young kids (especially kids who weren't mine)-- you never know when something that is completely innocent might get misinterpreted.

[Huckleberry]

I think it's important to note that you've never been accused of molesting your kid. It has been investigated as a possibility, but nobody has accused you. It's an important distinction, IMO. So far it sounds like the community has been looking out for your child's best interests. Sometimes that can be uncomfortable, but it's probably for the best.

My only similar story was when my oldest child went ballistic at the grocery store once (she was 3 years old at the time). She's still a very emotional kid, experiences very high highs where she'll giggle uncontrollably, smile like crazy, and just generally have a ball. That's countered by her crying and sadness, but all in all she's a great kid and the best part is that she's gotten her anger under control and doesn't get mad much anymore. But that wasn't the case that day.

So anyway, I'm carrying her out to the car to deal with her so everyone in the store doesn't have to listen to her scream. She's trying to thrash her way out of my grip and continuously screaming "NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! PUT ME DOWN!!! I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! PUT ME DOWN!!!". An older gentleman suddenly yells "Excuse me" from behind pretty loudly. Looking back he probably said it that loudly both to get my attention abruptly but also to make sure I heard him over my daughter's screaming.

I turned around and I remember the serious look on his face as he asked me "Is that your child?". I quickly understood what he was doing and appreciated it. I responded "Unfortunately right now, yes, she's my daughter." The good news is that my saying the word daughter must have triggered something in her head and the next thing she screamed was "PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW, DADDY!!! DADDY, PUT ME DOWN!!!"

I looked back at the gentleman and he gave me a "good luck" look and that was that. :D

[Flasch186]

shave the stache

[MJ4H]

Yikes, those both suck, but you can at least understand them. I was accused of it when I was in high school and had a summer job baby-sitting my cousins. I would go over to my aunt's place and just watch the kids while she went to work. It was easy, I just sat around and let them play most of the time, made sure they ate something reasonable.

My aunt's neighbors were the very definition of white trash (my aunt called them the oompa-loompas because of their size). Apparently they just out of the blue accused me of something or other with my cousins to my aunt because she asked me about it. I knew she didn't take it seriously but it bothered my why someone would think that about me. I never said a word to her neighbors incidentally. I just came over to the house and watched the kids inside. I let them go outside to play sometimes, but usually they just stayed inside.


My aunt quizzed the kids about me and everything was fine. They were pretty clear that I never did anything weird like that. Quite a relief because that is one scary accusation even if it is just random like that. That episode has always bothered me in the back of my mind.

[stevew]

Even if the 2nd case was annoying, it does still help me sleep a bit better at night that there are people willing to speak up when a situation looks amiss.

The first case was definitely an overreaction.

[Kodos]

To be fair, in the second instance, if a guy drives up in a vehicle behind a kid and then gets out of the truck to corral him, I'm going to react the same as those ladies did.

Yeah, the second instance is definitely understandable. I think most people would question what was going on in that situation.

[Ksyrup]

I'm paranoid of something like this happening. My uncle went through a terrible divorce when his daughters were 11 and 13, and his ex-wife cajoled them into reporting stuff like him putting his hand on their knees when consoling them over a boy issue, and stuff like that. And I knew a guy back in Florida who was accused of something with a neighborhood kid that ended up being completely unfounded, but he basically lost his job over the publicity around it.

Obviously, I don't have that great a fear about my own kids, but with other children, I am extremely hesitant to be alone with anybody else's kids for this reason. I make my wife take the babysitter home, and I often will wait for another elevator if I would be alone with a female. I just refuse to put myself in that kind of situation if I can help it at all.

[sachmo71]

I'm paranoid of something like this happening. My uncle went through a terrible divorce when his daughters were 11 and 13, and his ex-wife cajoled them into reporting stuff like him putting his hand on their knees when consoling them over a boy issue, and stuff like that. And I knew a guy back in Florida who was accused of something with a neighborhood kid that ended up being completely unfounded, but he basically lost his job over the publicity around it.

Obviously, I don't have that great a fear about my own kids, but with other children, I am extremely hesitant to be alone with anybody else's kids for this reason. I make my wife take the babysitter home, and I often will wait for another elevator if I would be alone with a female. I just refuse to put myself in that kind of situation if I can help it at all.

yay america.

:(

[Mustang]

Your vehicle doesn't look like this does it?


http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i159/Jake21403/free_candy.jpg

[CamEdwards]

When my son Andrew was in kindergarten, I chaperoned a field trip and one of the kids in his class decided that I was apparently his best friend. He kept trying to hug my leg, which made me decidedly uncomfortable. The little rugrat would NOT leave me alone, so I finally found the teacher and explained what was going on. She ended up removing him from my group and kept him with her the rest of the afternoon.

That's about the closest I've come to a situation like that, but honestly that experience made me very reluctant to chaperone any more field trips. Now that Andrew's older it's gotten better, but I don't think I'll be taking part in any field trips when the twins start school.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Fortunately, I've never had anyone think I'm a child molester, but I had never thought of that stuff before. I used to work someplace where people might bring their kids if they were working on a Saturday. Most of the kids got to know me and liked talking to me. These were small kids, usually no older than 6 or so. A couple of the younger ones even wanted me to chase them around the office for fun. If I had a few free minutes, I'd play along. I never considered that all it would take it one comment from a child (either as a joke or a misunderstanding) to pretty much ruin me.

After reading some of these posts and thinking about it a little bit, I doubt I'll ever play tag with kids again, even though I would probably know the parents pretty well. The kids might enjoy it, but I'm not going to take any chances at something being misinterpreted. It sucks that the kids might miss out on having a little fun, but it's certainly not worth it to me.

[Barkeep49]

At the elementary school where I student taught there was a male kindergarten teacher and a male 1st grade teacher. Every year the kindergarten teacher, who has won a prestigious teaching award, would get parents who were quite disturbed at the prospect of leaving their kids with him. Normally the principal had at least a couple of parents make a comment to her. People just tend to be cautious with males around kids.

[wishbone]

Thanks for the comments everyone, let me say that both times I have thanked the people that have stepped in because on one level I am glad that they are getting involved when they see something they're not sure about. But it's frustrating and makes me sad.

I think a plan is developing that will prevent this from happening again

1. Shave mustache
2. Repaint van
3. Something about a trout?

[M GO BLUE!!!]

...one of the kids in his class decided that I was apparently his best friend. He kept trying to hug my leg, which made me decidedly uncomfortable. The little rugrat would NOT leave me alone...

LOL!

That happened to me twice. Once was in a library. I'm heading to check a book out and this kid in a group of preschoolers yells "DADDY!" runs to me and attaches himself to my leg. Everybody was staring at me as is I was a horrible man for prying this boy off my leg while he kept calling me "daddy." (There was no way the child could have been mine either!) The other involved a kid throwing a fit that just attached himself to my leg, and the embarrassed father that was trying to remove this screaming kid! :D

[MikeVic]

Thanks for the comments everyone, let me say that both times I have thanked the people that have stepped in because on one level I am glad that they are getting involved when they see something they're not sure about. But it's frustrating and makes me sad.

I think a plan is developing that will prevent this from happening again

1. Shave mustache
2. Repaint van
3. Something about a trout?

No, not the trout. You'll be back in this mess.

[korme]

Pumpy, I loved those times that we played tag "in the dark"

[Pumpy Tudors]

Pumpy, I loved those times that we played tag "in the dark"
At least I waited until the day before your 18th birthday.

[gkb]

My dad was accused by one of his step-daughters of child molestation. They investigated it pretty thoroughly, including a lie detector test, and eventually figured out that she was lying to get him in trouble. Not a great time for my dad. I'm always very careful when I take my 2 year old son to the park to play about interacting with the other kids. And I'm always nervous when there are other men there and they interact with my son.

[gkb]

At least I waited until the day before your 18th birthday.

Dola,

Dammit Pumpy...what's wrong with you??? ;)

[MikeVic]

Pumpy, I loved those times that we played tag "in the dark"

So hide the teacup isn't played any more?

[korme]

No, but I challenge you to beat Pumpy in a game of hide the salami

[MikeVic]

No Mas!

[Pumpy Tudors]

I've been accused of molesting all of the women in the other child molester thread. I swear I didn't do it, though.

[Ksyrup]

Can the molester of a child molester ever be called "hot"? Pumpy Tudors says YES!

[Marc Vaughan]

At the elementary school where I student taught there was a male kindergarten teacher and a male 1st grade teacher. Every year the kindergarten teacher, who has won a prestigious teaching award, would get parents who were quite disturbed at the prospect of leaving their kids with him. Normally the principal had at least a couple of parents make a comment to her. People just tend to be cautious with males around kids.

Sadly whenever I've helped out at my kids schools I've always found at least a few of the younger students (my boys are 5 and 8) want to be best friends - often because they're being raised by single parents and as such don't see men around much.

I think its hugely unfair that men get such a negative bias in the eyes of society and the media when they actually have a huge amount of positive input to give upon peoples lives.

It is appalling imho how few positive strong male role models you can find on television these days ... then again I suppose I could just leave that at 'positive role models' .... god I feel old ;)

[CamEdwards]

god I feel old ;)


I prefer "wise" to "old". :D

[Danny]

I work in schools as a behaviorist and this is something I am always careful about. Generally I am hired to work with one specific kid who is autistic or has other special needs, but I still interact with all of the other kids and there are some who try and show you affection. The advantage I have and one of the reasons I chose this job in the classroom over the other ones that were based in the home is that all times there is at least one if not multiple female teachers present. It would be near impossible to accuse me of anything when there are always other adults present. I'm extremely happy about this and would not put myself in a position in which I was ever alone with a child.

I know this field overall is lacking in males and I would guess a large reason is because of this fear we talk about here. The job pays fairly well since it one of the few fields of psychology you can work in without a graduate degree and there is a strong need for male behaviorists as the majority of clients are male and a good male role model to help shape their behavior would help. Still, like most other fields related to children and education it is predominantly female. While I have the fears I mentioned, I have not noticed any stigma related to being male and wanting to work in the child/educational psychology area, but I would guess that's largely related to the impression I make on others as an individual. Would a less social, less confident and less attractive male with just as good of intentions be judged the same? I don't know.

My future plans are to be a School Psychologist. Males are well received in the field because its seen as more of an overseer position instead of one in constant direct contact with the children, it is still mostly female. The graduate interview I had at Loyola I think was 20 female and 4 male and at CSUN was 60 female and 6 or 7 male. These kids really need both male and female influences and it's a shame there is such a stigma against men in education and related fields, especially when involving younger children.

[Marc Vaughan]

I prefer "wise" to "old". :D

Heh - I've never felt wise .... especially as I've now got a teenager to remind me that she knows everything and I know nothing ;)

[Eaglesfan27]

Very true Danny about Child Psychology being female dominated. Most Child Psychiatrists tend to be female as well. Good luck with your future plans. As I previously discussed, I'm very wary about being falsely accused (fortunately it has never happened), but I do briefly see teens alone in my office (with their parents right outside the door.)