Argh! I got played!

[ISiddiqui]

I know, I know... a relationship story. But I just had to get it off my chest.

I just got out of this somewhat long relationship, with many bumps in the road... Basically we dated for 2 years and then broke up, but were off and on for 4 years after that until we got back together in January of this year. Now, my ex's best friend (after me) during this time was a single guy who I'll call "T". This guy wasn't the best looking of guys (balding in his late 20s and doesn't have an attractive face otherwise... kind of looks like a duck) and was known for being an annoying know-it-all (and we found out later that he was to be a 30 year old virgin - we joked the 40 year old virgin movie was for him), but my ex went to law school with him and they both worked at the same place during the summer after we broke up for the first time. So she confided in T and they became somewhat close.

After the summer, we basically got into somewhat of a quasi-relationship. We'd basically acted like we were dating, but it wasn't supposed to be public knowledge. And was off and on. We ended up working in the same office... along with T. Everyone in the office basically caught on that me and the ex were close (closer than merely "friends"). Well... seemingly except for T, who isn't very socially adept. She continued to hang out with him during that period.

So then, we get back together officially (publically) in January. T is off on vacation. Thing are great. T gets back from vacation, the ex has to explain to him that we're together now and things get bad. I mean, the relationship starts getting very wierd and a bit more distance is between us. At the same time T misses out on a promotion, so ex says since T's in a bad place, she has to help console him, and starts hanging out with T a bit more.

Now, for any rational person warning signs must have been going on. I was not rational. Things went more and more downhill. The ex blamed it on my insecurities and said that I was being overparanoid and overjealous of T and it was ridiculous to do so. After all, T was not attractive and annoying and sorts of other things.

So it finally devolved into a point where we broke up. And she seemed (she may have been, who knows) as upset about things not working out as I was. Hell, when you've been basically going out with someone for six years (even if 4 of those years weren't "public"), it hurts. She appeared honest about her feelings and let me vent at her (I got to tell how everything I was pissed about).

We both knew the breakup would be hard, because we needed some space from each other (that we didn't REALLY get the first time we broke up). And the fact that we had been living in the same apartment complex for the last 2.5 years. So we decided we'd try to be friendly at work, but not talk afterwards. So we generally were somewhat friendly on the train into work if we ran into each other and sometimes IM'ing at work (I KNOW, horrible idea, but I was weak).

Three days later, on Saturday, I go out for an 8 AM jog (I'm trying to get back into shape now), and who's car do I see in front of my ex's building? Yep... T's. He spent the night. Didn't even wait a week.

Son of a Bitch!! :mad:

--

So now it's going to be wierd if I see her on the train tomorrow. I figure I'd just tell her if she asked why I wasn't sitting next to her is because I think it'd be healthier for us if we weren't as friendly to each other, even at work.

Hmmm... that felt a bit better.

[Buccaneer]

Wow. I don't wish to be single again.

At least you got Civ4. ;)

[Logan]

Not to nitpick but you didn't really "get played."

Doesn't change the fact that she's a whore and you should just find another hotter chick to bang.

[ISiddiqui]

Well, ok, maybe I didn't get played. I should have seen it coming a freaking mile away... but this is the problem with being inside of the relationship - it makes your brain turn to mush.

[Noop]

I think six years is a long time to decide if someone is right for you or not. However that being said you shouldn't get mad consider it a blessing and now you have a lot of free time.

[ISiddiqui]

I think the anger allows for some cleansing and less of the whole sorry for myself period of time.

The problem with the six years was there were defintely some parts of it (more than not) where I thought we'd end up married together in a nice house and all that (we even talked about it). Apparently after we publically got back together, she wasn't all that happy with that idea... or was persuaded otherwise (then again, hard to be persuaded if you weren't confliced in the first place).

[MrBug708]

Just console yourself with the fact that he probably slept on her couch anyways and is hoping for some action. For all you know, he could still be in teh friend zone :)

[Raiders Army]

You're better off now.

On a side note, why do you call her your ex? My brother calls his ex-girlfriend his ex and a lot of the time people think he's talking about an ex-wife, not an ex-girlfriend. It's somewhat annoying to me since I know they weren't married and there was a big difference between his relationship and being married. Your relationship might have been different though. *shrug*

[sabotai]

So now it's going to be wierd if I see her on the train tomorrow. I figure I'd just tell her if she asked why I wasn't sitting next to her is because I think it'd be healthier for us if we weren't as friendly to each other, even at work.

Fuck that! You got ammunition now. Use it.

[Logan]

Maybe it's a regional thing...I've always heard ex-girlfriends referred to as an "ex."

[Eaglesfan27]

Wow. I don't wish to be single again.


So true for me as well.

[Mota]

If after that much time together you still weren't sure whether she was the one or not, rest assured that she wasn't the one.

Move on and know that at least you have a chance to find the right person for you now. And laugh at the fact that she might have to settle with that loser T while you're banging a real hot chick sometime in the future.

[ISiddiqui]

Just console yourself with the fact that he probably slept on her couch anyways and is hoping for some action. For all you know, he could still be in teh friend zone :)

LOL

I doubt it, but I do appreciate the words. And if I do think that they slept together, it makes me angry, which can help me to move on. So, that's not all that bad :D.

And yes, I've always heard of ex-girlfriends as "ex" as well.

[MikeVic]

I don't have advice to give, but I feel bad for you. And I've always heard of "ex" as being a reference to ex-girlfriends too.

[Raiders Army]

Interesting. Must be just me then! I never really dated as I met my wife in High School and we married shortly after I graduated from college. I have some big gaps in dating protocol knowledge.

[Izulde]

That sucks, man. And from past experience, I would've had warning bells on the "not supposed to be public knowledge" that we're dating bit, but that's only because I went through something similar.

But live and learn. :)

And on the whole ex thing, I've always heard it as ex referring to either gf or wife.

[stevew]

Since you started dating her, you've graduated law school and probably make close to/more than 6 figures. Honestly you're basically an upper tier free agent right now. You can get the big bucks, and you won't be franchised by your previous team.

[ISiddiqui]

That sucks, man. And from past experience, I would've had warning bells on the "not supposed to be public knowledge" that we're dating bit, but that's only because I went through something similar.

But live and learn. :)

Yep... and now I know. I won't go through that again... no more than justy friends, but less than dating for me in the future. That path is not a good one. As one of my friends told me friends with benefits (and it may have been even closer that just friends who sleep together) is a soul sucking arrangement, at least for the one who wants to get back together.

[CU Tiger]

Obviously you simply need to find U.
Then you need to F U.
Once you F U you wont mind nearly as much that XT are in XTC..

[ISiddiqui]

That was actually quite impressive.

[sabotai]

As one of my friends told me friends with benefits...is a soul sucking arrangement

Too true. I had to learn that the hard way, too.

[Passacaglia]

It's like you're Alceste, and T is Oronte, in Moliere's The Misanthrope (I just read it today, I'm really not that pretentious).

[ISiddiqui]

Must wiki it... or get the play. Well, at least you got me more cultured ;).

[damnMikeBrown]

Since you started dating her, you've graduated law school and probably make close to/more than 6 figures. Honestly you're basically an upper tier free agent right now. You can get the big bucks, and you won't be franchised by your previous team.

This man is wise. . .

[Pumpy Tudors]

It's like you're Alceste, and T is Oronte, in Moliere's The Misanthrope (I just read it today, I'm really not that pretentious).
I've got this one, folks. I'm sending Passacaglia a message on Facebook right now to let him know that Izulde hacked his FOFC account.

[flere-imsaho]

So true for me as well.

+2

[Drake]

Actually, dude, your situation is eerily similar to mine...except I'm married. All the same signs, all the red flags, all the confrontations and then being told I was paranoid and should trust her more. Except my wife didn't wait until we broke up, and the guy wasn't her friend, but my best friend for the last 20 years. She just started screwing the guy (for 2 years before I busted her) and staying married (because, well, he made less than $20k a year, and she liked the lifestyle of being a stay at home mom on my salary).

*I* got played.

Or should I say, I'm still getting played, because we're still married. Why, you ask? Because I've got three kids, and I've already supported her dead weight for fifteen years. I'll be damned if I divorce her before the kids are off to college. I'm not going to end up financing her single life. Fortunately for me, I live in a non-alimony state, so as soon as the kids hit 18, she's entitled to exactly squat except 50% of the marital assets...which I've been making a point of burning through for the last couple of years. :)

In theory, by the time she finds out we're getting divorced, she'll have no skills, no work experience, no education and no job. She'll be in her mid-40's and starting again completely from scratch.

So yeah, it isn't about who gets played first...but who ends up playing hardball the best.

[ISiddiqui]

Wow... Bravo, dude. Bravo.

[Drake]

Don't get me wrong. If there weren't kids involved, I would have walked out the door the day I found out. There's no use in staying after a situation like that (well, except revenge, but if you're not vengeful by nature, I wouldn't recommend it. I mean, I'm talking about essentially sacrificing 8 years of my life to fuck my wife over.) It isn't something that you just get over and move on with. Hell, I'm almost 18 months from it, and some days I'm so full of rage and betrayal that I can't see straight.

I know you're in a painful place right now, but as the others have said, you've got your whole future ahead of you. It sucks, but it's better to find out now who this woman really is than after you've committed time, resources and children to a marriage.

[ISiddiqui]

I know you're in a painful place right now, but as the others have said, you've got your whole future ahead of you. It sucks, but it's better to find out now who this woman really is than after you've committed time, resources and children to a marriage.

And that is very good advice indeed. My thanks. And to all of you, my thanks. I never really am this frank about my personal life on message boards, but I felt this time I had to be.

[korme]

Yes, my only suggestion is to not sit by her at work, that seems fairly obvious. You kids need some seperation.

[Galaxy]

Actually, dude, your situation is eerily similar to mine...except I'm married. All the same signs, all the red flags, all the confrontations and then being told I was paranoid and should trust her more. Except my wife didn't wait until we broke up, and the guy wasn't her friend, but my best friend for the last 20 years. She just started screwing the guy (for 2 years before I busted her) and staying married (because, well, he made less than $20k a year, and she liked the lifestyle of being a stay at home mom on my salary).

*I* got played.

Or should I say, I'm still getting played, because we're still married. Why, you ask? Because I've got three kids, and I've already supported her dead weight for fifteen years. I'll be damned if I divorce her before the kids are off to college. I'm not going to end up financing her single life. Fortunately for me, I live in a non-alimony state, so as soon as the kids hit 18, she's entitled to exactly squat except 50% of the marital assets...which I've been making a point of burning through for the last couple of years. :)

In theory, by the time she finds out we're getting divorced, she'll have no skills, no work experience, no education and no job. She'll be in her mid-40's and starting again completely from scratch.

So yeah, it isn't about who gets played first...but who ends up playing hardball the best.

Yikes.

[Radii]

Women fucking suck, what can you do.

[miked]

Time for a trip to the Pony, the Pink Pony that is. That's where class is.

[ISiddiqui]

So, an update:

I couldn't contain myself, I guess. I parked my car at North Springs Station and what I feared occurred. The ex pulled in right after me and walked up with me. So I asked her about her weekend and asked if anything fun or interesting happened. She mentioned her horse and avoiding her friend's fiance (who she hates) at lunch both days. Nothing about T spending the evening. So I mentioned that I saw something interesting (like I said, I couldn't contain myself) and went for a jog at 8 AM on Sat and saw T's car there.

So she indicated that the ex and T shared a bottle of wine while watching movies and T slept overnight on the couch. T basically never drinks. The ex indicated that wasn't "interesting" is because T just gets this goofy grin on his face when drunk, but nothing more. I'd imagine T being drunk is fascinating in itself, since it is such a rare thing. And being so drunk he had to sleep on the couch... well...

So then (I couldn't contain myself), I went for the jugular. I told her that when I went for a jog on Sunday I noted her car wasn't there. She asked when and I said 8 (when it was really more like 7). She said she couldn’t sleep and went to the barn. She said she woke at 6:15 and when nothing was on TV, went to the barn at (ready for this) 7:30. I didn't turn around and tell her that I was jogging at 7, not 8 (no aha, gotcha), but then I refrained from starting any conversation and was just cold and let her do so.

So, I somewhat (but not 100%) confirmed my suspicions. The lying is what really tipped me off and then on the rest of the ride, while it was quiet, she was the one starting conversations and had a kind of "Oh Shit" look on her face.

So that's good. I'm done now. I guess I needed to call her out to be all good.

[Danny]

If after that much time together you still weren't sure whether she was the one or not, rest assured that she wasn't the one.

Move on and know that at least you have a chance to find the right person for you now. And laugh at the fact that she might have to settle with that loser T while you're banging a real hot chick sometime in the future.

This has been both my visible and personal experience as well. My parents were together for 7 years before they married, broke up and got back together multiple times, they later divorced. My uncle has similar stories for both his marriages. My grandparents, a few months, engaged, and married less than a year later. They were in love as much if not more after 50 years of marriage.

I was with someone off an on for close to two years and while there were decent times, I never felt she was the one. I just approached that maybe things would develop and I owed it to her and myself to give it a chance. The other women I have dated I've had the same approach where I figured I'd give things a chance to develop. I've learned, If it's not there, it won't be in the future.

Then went I met my fiancee, whether I was being crazy or not, I knew the first week she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I managed to hold off as long as humanly possible before asking her to be my wife (3 months). Its almost a year later now, and as amazing as things have been, they get even better everyday. Can’t wait for our wedding un August.

It’s really amazing how easy things are when you're with the right person. My fiancée and I faced things that if looking at from an outside perspective would seem like a huge challenge. She’s Armenian and for those of you who don’t know, Armenians are strongly encouraged to marry other Armenians. She’s the first in her family not to do so. From meeting her parents for the first time and giving a speech where I asked for her hand in marriage in Armenian, meeting everyone, going to gatherings, our families meeting and planning the wedding), what should have been a difficult experience has been wonderful and easy. Even the few people in her family who were not happy at first have come around after my persistence.

The other challenge would have been my becoming a Christian. My family is really small and while not religious, they are mostly Jewish. While I had started to learn and follow before meeting my fiancée, she gave me the courage to face my dad and proclaim my faith with confidence and without hesitation. While he was upset at first, it hasn’t changed our relationship at all.

As I type this, I find it amazing how easy all of this seemed to be at the time. And it wasn’t a situation where we just ran off together and forgot about this stuff. We faced everything head on and even embraced everything. My fiancée and I have never had a fight, or said a mean word to one another from any of this. Every little thing that came up, we handled with discussion, compromise and love for one another. And the situation is perfect. Her family and I love each other, and I’m thrilled that I get to be a part of a big family which I don’t have on my side. My family loves her and she loves my small family because there won’t be the same pressures that come along with marrying into an Armenian family. While are backgrounds are very different, we’re both amazed everyday how much we are meant to be together.

Now, back to OP’s situation. The point is, when you’re with the wrong person, difficulties arise from things that shouldn’t be difficult. When you’re with the right person, even things that should be difficult are not a problem and at the time, you barely notice them if at all. It’s clear this person was not right for you. When you meet the right person, you will know it!

[Rizon]

So, an update:

I couldn't contain myself, I guess. I parked my car at North Springs Station and what I feared occurred. The ex pulled in right after me and walked up with me. So I asked her about her weekend and asked if anything fun or interesting happened. She mentioned her horse and avoiding her friend's fiance (who she hates) at lunch both days. Nothing about T spending the evening. So I mentioned that I saw something interesting (like I said, I couldn't contain myself) and went for a jog at 8 AM on Sat and saw T's car there.

So she indicated that the ex and T shared a bottle of wine while watching movies and T slept overnight on the couch. T basically never drinks. The ex indicated that wasn't "interesting" is because T just gets this goofy grin on his face when drunk, but nothing more. I'd imagine T being drunk is fascinating in itself, since it is such a rare thing. And being so drunk he had to sleep on the couch... well...

So then (I couldn't contain myself), I went for the jugular. I told her that when I went for a jog on Sunday I noted her car wasn't there. She asked when and I said 8 (when it was really more like 7). She said she couldn’t sleep and went to the barn. She said she woke at 6:15 and when nothing was on TV, went to the barn at (ready for this) 7:30. I didn't turn around and tell her that I was jogging at 7, not 8 (no aha, gotcha), but then I refrained from starting any conversation and was just cold and let her do so.

So, I somewhat (but not 100%) confirmed my suspicions. The lying is what really tipped me off and then on the rest of the ride, while it was quiet, she was the one starting conversations and had a kind of "Oh Shit" look on her face.

So that's good. I'm done now. I guess I needed to call her out to be all good.

Dude ...

[Danny]

Also, no offense, but at this point, the relationship is over. She is free to do as she pleases and you really have no right to question her. I would also recommend changing your jogging route.

As I was eluding to in my previous post, it sucks now, but if you guys were meant to be together you both would have known it well before now and things would have gone differently. Be glad that you have a chance now to find the right person

[Kodos]

Don't get me wrong. If there weren't kids involved, I would have walked out the door the day I found out. There's no use in staying after a situation like that (well, except revenge, but if you're not vengeful by nature, I wouldn't recommend it. I mean, I'm talking about essentially sacrificing 8 years of my life to fuck my wife over.) It isn't something that you just get over and move on with. Hell, I'm almost 18 months from it, and some days I'm so full of rage and betrayal that I can't see straight.

I know you're in a painful place right now, but as the others have said, you've got your whole future ahead of you. It sucks, but it's better to find out now who this woman really is than after you've committed time, resources and children to a marriage.


I know my opinion isn't going to matter here, but this sounds like a terrible plan. If you really feel that way about her and can't forgive her, get out now. You're not doing anyone a favor by staying with her. You'll be providing a poor model of a what a husband-wife relationship should be to your kids. And festering in your own anger for eights years has to be awful for your health. Revenge is a natural reaction, but don't kill yourself in the process. Don't submit to the Wrath of Khan.

[Subby]

This is probably the best thing that ever happened to you.

[ISiddiqui]

Also, no offense, but at this point, the relationship is over. She is free to do as she pleases and you really have no right to question her. I would also recommend changing your jogging route.

Oh, I will be. And she can do what she wants, but it goes to the whole harranging of me as being overjealous and overparanoid about this other person, who she kept saying she had no attraction to. That'll be the end of that, but I guess part of me wanted to let her know that she isn't as smart and sneaky as she thinks she is.

[chesapeake]

Also, no offense, but at this point, the relationship is over. She is free to do as she pleases and you really have no right to question her. I would also recommend changing your jogging route.

As much as it may suck to hear, this is true. You can see whom you want, and she can do the same.

I would also say that, based on your brief comments on T, my money is on things happening just like she said. T sounds like the kind of guy that pines for women but never has sex with them.

[Passacaglia]

I've got this one, folks. I'm sending Passacaglia a message on Facebook right now to let him know that Izulde hacked his FOFC account.

Thanks for the heads-up. Anyway, for those interested...

(and if you don't want to be spolied, just read the play (http://www.bibliomania.com/0/6/4/1967/frameset.html))


When Alceste learns that Clemiene has had an affair with Oronte (who had earlier asked Alceste for his opinion of his sonnet, then got offended when Alceste told him it sucked), he said:


Her treachery is but too certain, for I have in my pocket a letter in her own handwriting. Yes, Madam, a letter, intended for Oronte, has placed before my eyes my disgrace and her shame; Oronte, whose addresses I believed she avoided, and whom, of all my rivals, I feared the least.


I dunno...I guess it just struck me, since Imran went on about how unattractive "T" was at the beginning.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Also, no offense, but at this point, the relationship is over. She is free to do as she pleases and you really have no right to question her. I would also recommend changing your jogging route.

As I was eluding to in my previous post, it sucks now, but if you guys were meant to be together you both would have known it well before now and things would have gone differently. Be glad that you have a chance now to find the right person

Agreed. It's a waste of time trying to prove anything else about your ex. She's not worth your time. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Use your energy to chase a whopper instead.

[BrianD]

Oh, I will be. And she can do what she wants, but it goes to the whole harranging of me as being overjealous and overparanoid about this other person, who she kept saying she had no attraction to. That'll be the end of that, but I guess part of me wanted to let her know that she isn't as smart and sneaky as she thinks she is.

On the flip side, the breakup may have convinced her that she needs a rebound guy and T was nice and convenient. It sure sounds like this guy might not be relationship material, but he may be "help me forget the ex" material.

[Julio Riddols]

Dude.. a Whopper doesn't move once they put it in the bag.. You're pretty much in control of its movements from there.

-eh..

On a serious note.. I have been through this deal also.. Thing is, I wasn't trying to find someone when the ex contacted me and we decided to start doing things together, and even living together again.. It kind of wound up as a bonus deal for me though, because I basically acted like she wasn't there for the most part because getting serious with her after what happened would have been ludicrous in my opinion. So she stayed with me, helped pay some of my bills, played the part of the girlfriend for a while, and I just kind of waited around til she got bored with me again and left for whatever else she found that caught her interest. It was a far more pleasant time knowing in my mind that I was investing nothing financially or emotionally except casual interest in the days events and the occasional night out which was fun anyway without the stigma of infidelity hanging with us like a dark cloud.

The only depressing thing about her leaving was that I had to pay all the bills again, but by about that time I had completely gotten over the things that had occurred in our relationship and was ready to find someone else. She was her own rebound girl in a way, and the second time around with her taught me a lot about what I was looking for in someone.

I guess it can possibly be a healthy thing as long as you're not fooling yourself.

[Logan]

Thinking about ex-girlfriends got me to do a search for all my posts where I referenced my most recent long-term relationship, which led me to this thread (http://www.operationsports.com/fofc/showthread.php?t=47298) started by Flasch. In hindsight, she was so not worth typing up about 2000 words, and I'm sure you'll laugh about all this two years from now too.

[Eaglesfan27]

I know my opinion isn't going to matter here, but this sounds like a terrible plan. If you really feel that way about her and can't forgive her, get out now. You're not doing anyone a favor by staying with her. You'll be providing a poor model of a what a husband-wife relationship should be to your kids. And festering in your own anger for eights years has to be awful for your health. Revenge is a natural reaction, but don't kill yourself in the process. Don't submit to the Wrath of Khan.

Wise words, my alien friend.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Dude.. a Whopper doesn't move once they put it in the bag.. You're pretty much in control of its movements from there.
Let's hear more about this.

[Drake]

I know my opinion isn't going to matter here, but this sounds like a terrible plan. If you really feel that way about her and can't forgive her, get out now. You're not doing anyone a favor by staying with her. You'll be providing a poor model of a what a husband-wife relationship should be to your kids. And festering in your own anger for eights years has to be awful for your health. Revenge is a natural reaction, but don't kill yourself in the process. Don't submit to the Wrath of Khan.

I agree completely that it is a terrible plan. Revenge is almost always a terrible plan. If my situation was less complicated (i.e., if my wife wasn't bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies), staying would be less of an option, but she really isn't a fit parent to raise our children by herself...and despite that fact, it's very likely that she would get custody. As grumpy as I sounded last night about staying purely out of revenge, the full truth is that I stay to give my kids a stable launch pad into adulthood and to protect them from her manic rages.

The atmosphere in our home is not intense/angry. I've developed plenty of coping mechanisms for dealing with my anger quietly, so as far as my family is concerned, there are no issues and everything is good. We don't argue. We don't fight. We don't exchange toxic barbs. I don't live in a constant stew of negative emotions. For the most part, I've just detached emotionally from the marriage and adopted a "friends with benefits" attitude toward my wife.

Again, not the best situation, and not one I'd recommend to anyone else -- but for me, this is about hanging out until I've discharged my responsibilities to my children. Whatever happens after that, though predictable, really isn't my problem.

[Drake]

dola...

And to get this thread back on track...despite the fact that ISiddiqui's relationship was, in fact, over, I think it was important for him to confront her and catch her in the lie. The most underrated fact about infidelity is that ultimately it isn't the sex that ends most relationships, it's the lies told during and after. Once you know someone is willing to lie to you to protect their own selfish interests -- once the trust is compromised -- the relationship is never the same again.

[Eaglesfan27]

I agree completely that it is a terrible plan. Revenge is almost always a terrible plan. If my situation was less complicated (i.e., if my wife wasn't bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies), staying would be less of an option, but she really isn't a fit parent to raise our children by herself...and despite that fact, it's very likely that she would get custody. As grumpy as I sounded last night about staying purely out of revenge, the full truth is that I stay to give my kids a stable launch pad into adulthood and to protect them from her manic rages.




If she has cheated multiple times (I'm assuming you have proof) and is psychiatrically unstable, why do you think she would win custody?

[ISiddiqui]

True... and even if the relationship is over, you know that she was willing to lie to protect her own selfish interests and it makes you feel better about the breakup.

[Karlifornia]

I just have to say to Drake:

You are in a position, while unenviable, still has it's advantages. You are with a woman that has proven herself to be nothing but a two-timing, heartless ho-bag, and though you know the relationship is over, she has no idea.

I think you should take this opportunity to degrade her with some of the best "anger sex" you can possibly have. I mean, really break out the big guns here. I'm talking facials behind Denny's and stuff.

I'm just saying, if I had known with past girlfriends that a breakup was nigh, I would have used the remaining time to really satisfy my carnal desires!

[miked]

dola...

And to get this thread back on track...despite the fact that ISiddiqui's relationship was, in fact, over, I think it was important for him to confront her and catch her in the lie. The most underrated fact about infidelity is that ultimately it isn't the sex that ends most relationships, it's the lies told during and after. Once you know someone is willing to lie to you to protect their own selfish interests -- once the trust is compromised -- the relationship is never the same again.

Why is it supposed to make it better to catch her in a lie, especially if the relationship is over. Is that going to make things better? Maybe it will make somebody feel better briefly, but the underlying issue he is apparently not comfortable with will still be there. If it's going to be the end of a romantic relationship, why keep dwelling on what said person is doing?

[Drake]

If she has cheated multiple times (I'm assuming you have proof) and is psychiatrically unstable, why do you think she would win custody?

I live in a no-fault state. The fact that she was unfaithful multiple times (with more than just my best friend, but I won't get into that here) doesn't have any bearing on asset distribution or custody.

We found out that she was bipolar/schizophrenic as a result of individual counseling after her affair. She's been on medication for the last 18 months which has largely controlled her symptoms. (Since you're a psychiatrist, you're probably interested: she's taking Lamictal at well over the recommended dosage, and it's working. Of course, that doesn't stop her from obsessive behaviors, like her current 20+ hour a day fixation with Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction, but it does keep her from raging.) Bottom line is that she is currently on meds and "stable". How long she would remain stable without me there to keep her med compliant (which is an issue for bipolars) is anyone's guess.

Of course, you've also got to factor in that I had encephalitic meningitis in the last five years, and while I'm healthy now and have been for the last few years, it's safe to say that my health could be classified as "at-risk". So that would weigh into a custody decision from a judge's perspective just as heavily as "treated mental illness". There are, in short, plenty of complications to go around that make this less than a clear cut "she cheated, so I'm out of here" situation

Ultimately, the chance that she would get custody and end up being the one raising the kids is a risk I'm not willing to take.

ETA: So I re-read my comments from last night, and I'm realizing this morning that I painted a much grimmer picture of my emotional state than I normally feel. Rest assured that it was the grumpy, angry me posting last night, and I don't live in that head space most of the time. Sometimes you just need to spew the poison to get it out of your system.

[Drake]

I just have to say to Drake:

You are in a position, while unenviable, still has it's advantages. You are with a woman that has proven herself to be nothing but a two-timing, heartless ho-bag, and though you know the relationship is over, she has no idea.

I think you should take this opportunity to degrade her with some of the best "anger sex" you can possibly have. I mean, really break out the big guns here. I'm talking facials behind Denny's and stuff.

I'm just saying, if I had known with past girlfriends that a breakup was nigh, I would have used the remaining time to really satisfy my carnal desires!

Heh. Obviously, you're one of the few people on the planet who hasn't slept with my wife. There isn't anything I could come up with for "anger sex" that she wouldn't be willing to do normally...well, not anything between the two of us, anyway. Things like threesomes would be straight out, because she doesn't like to share.

She's really big on strict monogamy...for me, anyway.


Why is it supposed to make it better to catch her in a lie, especially if the relationship is over. Is that going to make things better? Maybe it will make somebody feel better briefly, but the underlying issue he is apparently not comfortable with will still be there. If it's going to be the end of a romantic relationship, why keep dwelling on what said person is doing?

Check out ISiddiqui's post a couple above yours. That sums it up nicely.

[CamEdwards]

Heh. Obviously, you're one of the few people on the planet who hasn't slept with my wife. There isn't anything I could come up with for "anger sex" that she wouldn't be willing to do normally...well, not anything between the two of us, anyway. Things like threesomes would be straight out, because she doesn't like to share.

She's really big on strict monogamy...for me, anyway.

Maybe y'all need a family vacation at RendeR's place for a couple of weeks? :p

[ISiddiqui]

Check out ISiddiqui's post a couple above yours. That sums it up nicely.

I figured that if she's willing to lie to protect her selfish interests there, that she probably had no problems doing it during the relationship as well.

[Drake]

Good point, Cam. :)

That actually gets back to the point about honesty in the relationship that's so crucial. RendeR's situation works because he and his wife are behaving honestly within the context of their relationship. I got over the cheating angle a while ago. What I struggle with is the long stretch of lies, secrecy and betrayals that are necessary for affairs to take place.

My wife has been very up front that she had no plans of leaving the marriage. She wasn't in love. She was stressed and bored and manic and had too much time on her hands. My best friend worked nights, so they hung out together during the day while I was at work. She still claims that she had no emotional attachment to him. He was just there.

*shurg*

I can handle that aspect. It was all the lies, excuses and justifications over two years that I can't wrap my brain around.

[BrianD]

Why is it supposed to make it better to catch her in a lie, especially if the relationship is over. Is that going to make things better? Maybe it will make somebody feel better briefly, but the underlying issue he is apparently not comfortable with will still be there. If it's going to be the end of a romantic relationship, why keep dwelling on what said person is doing?

I'm going to piggy-back off of this post and suggest that it would actually be worse to catch her in the lie. At this point, your (not you MikeD) trust issues at least contributed to the end of the relationship. Confirming those trust issues will only make you more likely to trust your own future lack of trust in relationships and cause you to believe you are always being lied to. If you leave this as a question, there will be at least some part of you think will think your lack of trust was wrong. This may help you not make automatic judgments in the future.

[Drake]

Hmm. But in this case, his "automatic judgment" was actually correct. He had a girlfriend with inappropriate boundary issues with a friend. That sounds like less of a trust issue than someone seeing the red flags and raising legitimate concerns about potential perils to the relationship.

[Subby]

OH I DIDNT REALIZE THIS THREAD WAS TITLED ARGH! DRAKE GOT PLAYED!?

[Pumpy Tudors]

CALM DOWN STUBBY

[Subby]

I JUST GOT SERVED.

[MikeVic]

Stubby Clapp.

[ISiddiqui]

Well, apparently she freaked out over my comments this morning (I admit it wasn't the smartest thing) and tried to tell my friend to tell me that if I didn't knock it off, she'd call the cops (I'm not intending to make it a habit or anything). A bit of an overreaction seeing as how we are basically on a diagonal from each other.

Perhaps subconsciously I just wanted to tweak her a bit. Not going to even attempt to do that again or really talk to her (I wasn't anyway).

[sabotai]

if I didn't knock it off, she'd call the cops

Now that's funny!

[Synovia]

For the record, "i don't want people at XXXXXX to know" means "I don't want you keeping me from getting some elsewhere"

[CamEdwards]

Well, apparently she freaked out over my comments this morning (I admit it wasn't the smartest thing) and tried to tell my friend to tell me that if I didn't knock it off, she'd call the cops (I'm not intending to make it a habit or anything). A bit of an overreaction seeing as how we are basically on a diagonal from each other.

Perhaps subconsciously I just wanted to tweak her a bit. Not going to even attempt to do that again or really talk to her (I wasn't anyway).

How do you think this will affect your employment if she decides to portray you as "creepy stalker guy"?

[Eaglesfan27]

For the record, "i don't want people at XXXXXX to know" means "I don't want you keeping me from getting some elsewhere"

Yep, everytime, unless there is a work policy that necessitates the secretiveness.

[chesapeake]

I live in a no-fault state. The fact that she was unfaithful multiple times (with more than just my best friend, but I won't get into that here) doesn't have any bearing on asset distribution or custody.

You sound like you are talking about no-fault auto insurance, not no-fault divorce. No-fault divorce refers to the ability for the court to grant divorce without a cause, such as adultery or cruelty. Awarding custody of children is a whole different ball of wax, and can be based on a number of pertinent factors, including the mental stability of the individuals in question.

I'm not suggesting that you go one way or another in your marriage, but I do believe it is always important to have accurate information as to what your real options are. A few bucks for a consultation with a competent divorce lawyer in your area may well be worth it. Life is too short to spend years unnecessarily unhappy.

[ISiddiqui]

How do you think this will affect your employment if she decides to portray you as "creepy stalker guy"?

Well, I think most people that know me won't actually consider it to be true. Or at least not that true. Furthermore, it's government work ;). And its fairly independant driven. While we have groups, there isn't really any team work and we really just deal with our immediate managment.

[miked]

The most shocking thing i've learned in this thread is that people around here take MARTA to get to work. Unbelievable.

As an aside, when I first moved here from Boston we only had one car and I took 2 buses to get to work.

[korme]

Isid, you aren't really letting on that it is tough for you right now, and I don't know if that is because it just isn't or that you don't want to seem weak. So I'm going to assume that it is tough for you, but the best thing to do is not 'accidentally' run into her in a parking lot or at work or anything, just pretend like she isn't there, don't even look to see if her car is parked at her apartment. You just have to move forward and while it isn't easy, it will get better and there will finally be a time where you are completely past it.

[ISiddiqui]

No, I don't mean to do that... it is tough for me and I know I have to be pro-active in steps to just get over it. And that means running into her as little as possible, and either pretend she isn't there or give a little nod and move on.

[Danny]

Any vacation time saved up? Maybe go take a trip for a week or two to someplace fun

[thesloppy]

So, just for my own clarification, you live in the same apartment complex as yourrecent ex, AND you work roughly 5 feet away from her AND the yamsack you think she's banging, AND you've got a previous 6 year history of muddying these things up already.

A) That sucks. My ultimate sympathies.
B) You're fucked.

Sorry to be glib, but seriously, I don't think that the most healthy and well-balanced person in the world could handle that situation well...especially with a long previous history blurring the boundaries of all of the people and places involved. Have you considered more drastic changes? I don't know if you'll ever be able to achieve a comfortable separation in your current situation (at least I wouldn't).

[MikeVic]

Yeah I would need complete separation.

[ISiddiqui]

Well, she did apply for a job in Washington D.C. And they haven't gotten back to her yet. So there is chance she could move there. Though the other ass, who probably now thinks even worse of me (if that was possible) will likely stay around in the office. But he's easily avoidable if need be.