Favorite Animal Jokes

[Axxon]

An old woman is feeling a bit lonely and she decides to get a parrot for a pet. The man at the pet shop however tells her that they don't have a suitable bird.

"How about that one?" she asks, pointing out a parrot.

"You wouldn't want him mam. His last owner was a sailor and he, ahem, well, frankly he cusses like a sailor."

Well, the woman really wants the parrot and she tells the guy that it won't be a problem and she buys the bird and takes him home. She puts his cage on the table, pulls off the cover and looks at her new roommate.

"Polly want a cracker?" she asks.

"Fuck you lady." the bird replies in the negative.

"Hmm" she says as she opens the cage, snatches the parrot up in her hand and walks to the kitchen.

"You're going to have to learn some manners" she says as she opens the freezer door and tosses him in. "I'll be back in a bit to see if you've learned your lesson."

She comes back in an hour and opens the door. The parrot is sitting there shivering. He looks at her.

"Have you learned your lesson?" she asks.

"Yyyy..yes I have" he says with a shiver. "I only h..have one qqquestion for you lady."

"Yes"

"What'd the chicken do?"

*************************************************

Next...

[EagleFan]

A farmer has a large group of pigs. All but one was a female. The male's job was to mate with the other pigs for breeding purposes.

One morning the farmer finds the male has dies from exhaustion. He has no idea what to do now so he asks around about what he shoudl do. He gets several uotes for allowing the pigs to mate with other farmer's male pigs but they are all asking for much more money than he has, for he is just a simple farmer on a small farm.

A week later he gets an idea. The next morning he gets up really early so he doesn't wake up his wife. He puts all the pigs into his truck and drives deep into the woods. He thinks that is he has sex with them he can get them pregnant (he's a back woods farmer, what do you expect?).

He continues to do this for one full week. At the end of the week he feels that his plan should have worked and he would sit baclk and wait for the results to roll in.

The next morning he is awaken by a loud noise. As he regains his senses he see his wife staring out the window with a shocked look on her face.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"You have got to see this. All of our pigs have piled into the truck and they keep blaring the horn."

[Blade]

Ok, here is the stupidest joke I have heard, and yet it cracks me up every time...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?





























Because he was dead.


Told ya it was stupid!

[cuervo72]

Wanna buy a duck?

[Easy Mac]

Cuervo walks into a bar. A cock, an ass, and a beaver are all sitting at a table... thats all I have so far.

[cuervo72]

The cock says to the beaver....

(sheesh, I can't even remember when the last time I walked into a bar was)

[Easy Mac]

I'll see you later, because he's shoving me up the ass.

[WSUCougar]

It's Amateur Night at the local club. A guy walks onto the stage with his golden retriever, grabs the microphone, and says to the audience:

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to present to you...BUDDY, THE INCREDIBLE TALKING DOG!!!"

A small smattering of applause comes from the skeptical crowd.

"Okay," the guy says confidently. "Buddy, what is the opposite of smooth?"

The dog goes "RUFF!" People in the audience look at each other with dismay.

"Okay, okay, please be patient," the guy says. "Buddy - what do you call the top of a house?"

The dog goes "ROOF!" People in the audience begin to grumble and jeer.

"Alright, okay! Easy now," says the guy. "This one will amaze you! Buddy? Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

And the dog goes "ROOTH!" The audience goes crazy! They grab man and dog and toss them out in the street. At which point the dog looks over at his master and says,

"Willie Mays?"

[Mustang]

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...



Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A giraffe eating cherries.

[Franklinnoble]

One day, a duck walks into a 7-11. He approaches the counter and asks the cashier, "Got any duck food?"

"Nope." The cashier replies.

The duck leaves. The next day, the same duck walks in, and asks the same cashier, "Got any duck food?"

"I told you yesterday. No duck food."

The duck leaves. The next day, the same duck walks in, and asks the same cashier, "Got any duck food?"

"Look, dumbass, we don't have duck food here, and we never will, OK?"

The duck leaves. The next day, the same duck walks in, and asks the same cashier, "Got any duck food?"

By now, the cashier is pretty pissed at the duck. He replies, "If you ever come in here again and ask for duck food, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor and kick the shit outta you!"

The duck leaves. The next day, the same duck walks in, and asks the same cashier, "Got any nails?"

"Umm... no."

"Got any duck food?"

[Axxon]

Some good ones here. Keep them coming.

Joe was in a terrible mood one day when he hears a knock at his front door. He opens the door and there's nobody there. The only thing he sees is a snail standing on his welcome mat.

He picks the snail up and throws him as far as he can and slams the door.

Three months later he again gets a knock at the door and opens it to find the same snail standing on his welcome mat.

"What the fucks your problem?" the snail asks.

[JeeberD]

Originally posted by WSUCougar
It's Amateur Night at the local club. A guy walks onto the stage with his golden retriever, grabs the microphone, and says to the audience:

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I would like to present to you...BUDDY, THE INCREDIBLE TALKING DOG!!!"

A small smattering of applause comes from the skeptical crowd.

"Okay," the guy says confidently. "Buddy, what is the opposite of smooth?"

The dog goes "RUFF!" People in the audience look at each other with dismay.

"Okay, okay, please be patient," the guy says. "Buddy - what do you call the top of a house?"

The dog goes "ROOF!" People in the audience begin to grumble and jeer.

"Alright, okay! Easy now," says the guy. "This one will amaze you! Buddy? Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

And the dog goes "ROOTH!" The audience goes crazy! They grab man and dog and toss them out in the street. At which point the dog looks over at his master and says,

"Willie Mays?"

I heard that one at some stupid show at Six Flags today. It was dumb then too... :D

[Airhog]

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he
takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home
from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open
on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him
into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is
hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the
freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily,
drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet
you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry the legs apart on
a frozen chicken?"

[ACStrider]

This one's cold...

A man was traveling down the interstate when his car ran out of gas. He pulled over to the side of the road and walked down the road to a farmer house for assistance. To his surprise, the door was answered by a pig with three wooden legs. The pig opened the door, led the man in, then ran off to notify the farmer. The farmer returned with the pig trotting obediently by his side.

"Pardon for the interruption, sir" said the traveler, "my car ran out of gas and I was just wondering if you could let me use your phone." "Certainly" replied the farmer, "but no shops are open at this time of night...you best stay here. We will fix you up for the night. Then you can be on your way."

So the farmer and his family invited the man to dinner. The pig sat obediently away from the table whie the family ate. Oddly, the pig now had four wooden legs.

"Say" the guest said, "I couldn't help but notice that your pig has wooden legs. It must be quite a unique pig."

"Oh, you don't know the half of it" replied the farmer. "This pig, here, he's quite a treasure. Why one day, my son was running through the woods out back and he stumbeled across a poisenous snake's nest. Why, this pig he ran right up to my boy, trampled the snake, then ran back for help."

"Amazing", the fascinated guest said.

"Oh, it doesn't end there. Another day, my daughter was swimming in the pond when she started to drown. This pig swam out and rescued her before she died."

"Unbelievable"

"That ain't the half of it. Another night our house caught fire. This pig unlocked the door and made several trips into the blaze to rescue myself and our little ones...led us back outside. We owe our lives to him."

"This...I've never heard of such a pig. Why, it's a very special pig indeed."

The farmer nods and continues eating.

"There's just one thing that I don't understand...with a pig that has done so much, how is it that he has wooden legs?"

"Well" the farmer said, "with a pig this special, you can't eat him all at once"

[Axxon]

One morning a baby polar bear asked his father, "Dad, are we polar bears"?

"Yes son, we are" his dad answered.

The next day the son again asked his dad, "Dad, are you SURE we're polar bears"?

"Yes son, we ARE polar bears." his dad answered.

The next day a similar encounter occurs.

"Dad, are you absolutely positive we're polar bears"?

Yes son, I am sure we are polar bears. Why do you keep asking this">

"Because I'm f&^cking freezing."