Advice needed, Mental Breakdown about to occur

[Blade]

Well, it seems that I am going through quite the mental problem right now. I am 25 years old, 3 years out of school an into my career. I am currently working as a Network Administrator/Webmaster for a non-profit organization. I am also in charge of any technology projects being run here.

For the last few months, I have almost been in a depression. I find it hard to get up and head into work, and I am not overly motivated when I get there. I have looked at job postings, and thought about where I can go due to my training, and I just feel like I do not have an interest in Network administration or web work anymore. However, I have just bought a house with my wife, and we are very tight right now.

So, this is the root of my problem, I think. I am no longer happy with my field, but because of the house, I do not have the flexibility to try something new. The next job I get needs to be at the same salary rate I am currently making, or higher.

I have asked some people for advice, and I have had a whole variety of things. One is that due to the project work I do here, I have been under a lot of stress, and I do not handle stress very well. They think I may just be burning out. I took two weeks holidays in the beginning of July, but came back feeling the exact same way.

Another opinion was that I am feeling "Inadequate" in my job. I have trained for this type of job at a technical institute, and I have also been training on my own, being one exam away from getting my MCSE designation. However, the nature of the project work does not allow me to focus on my network duties here, and the network and my skills have suffered as a result. I almost feel like I am an imposter and that if I went to a new networking job, they would feel that I do not have the experience to back up an MCSE designation.

I am not sure what to do now. I feel like I am in a vat of quicksand, and I am sinking more and more each day. My Wife has been very supportive, but I know my mental state is taking a toll on her as well.

I am not sure why I am posting this here, I guess I am just hoping that someone can give me some advice, or find out if anyone else out there has felt this way...

[heybrad]

Blade,

While I dont have much advice to offer, there is one thing to keep in mind. I was in a similar situation once in life. You are young. I know it feels like you have a ton of responsibilities in your life, but if there is ever a time to make a change, its while you're young.

Good luck whatever you do.

[condors]

the first thing you should do is know what you want to do

then take small steps to work your way towards this

i have had bouts of depression and do something now because it can get alot worse

also make sure you take time to thank your wife and she understands that you are thankfull for her understanding

[Anrhydeddu]

Blade, which is one reason why I religiously play games and travel when I can. I can take the small joys in life and have them keep me going. Keep your eyes, ears and heart open.

[mrsimperless]

Unfortunately many of us are put in situations during our lives where we are not happy. Our responsibilities end up running our lives rather than us. I am around the same age as you (26), in the same field of work (software development), and I have had some of the same doubts and problems that it sounds like you have been experiencing lately. On top of all of that I am now going through a nasty divorce among some other things that have been popping up recently. What I guess I'm trying to say is that comparatively, you and I are not bad off at all. It helps sometimes to take a step back and realize that you could be in a much worse situation and to be thankful for what you have. At least it helps me. Also, the suggestions others have made are helpful as well. Enjoy your relaxation time to its fullest. Take some time out for a game of TCY or whatever. You have to keep your life balanced to keep your sanity. Personally, I have started working on a couple of "side projects" by myself that might have the potential to someday turn into alternative sources of income where I can hopefully get away from all of this crap. Realistically it will probably always be just a dream, but it keeps me motivated to a certain degree.

I'm sure this probably didn't help much, but if you ever need to chat with someone who goes through some of the similar situations you are describing my yahoo and AIM ID's are the same as the name I post under here. Best of luck!

[CamEdwards]

Blade,

My wife recently switched from being a business systems analyst to a programmer, and she's feeling much the same way.

As Antgrou4rgal;kdfj says... try and find other things outside of work that make you happy. That's something that might help in the short term.

As far as long term career goals go... start asking yourself what you want to do with your life, and how can you go from Point A to Point B without causing too much of a rift in the normal patterns of life? It might be easy, or it might be hard... it just depends on how bad you want it.

And if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a PM. Having gone through some dark days of my own, I'm always willing to lend an ear.

[JPhillips]

Blade: What do you really want to do with your life? If its something that you have a chance of succeeding at, go for it. In the grand scheme of things you and your wife's happiness is far more important than a mortgage payment. I have been through two theatre companies closing over the past year or so, and I have managed to keep going. Its required some changes for me and my wife, but we both really feel fulfilled when we are creating art, and for us that is most important. We temped at a law fir for a while and were offered full time work, but we just weren't happy at the end of the day very often, and that made the difference.

To achieve your dreams will be a lot of work, and you may fail, but if its what you want to do you have to give it a try. The saddest people I know are the ones who are late in life and wishing they had taken some risks in their lives.

As Geothe said, "Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid."

[Blade]

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. This has been very hard on me for the last month or so, and today it hit me pretty hard. Some days are worse than others, I guess. Just a major depressed feeling, but the encouragement and sharing of experiences has helped some...at least I know I am not alone.

[Franklinnoble]

Time for a little tough love here...

Stop your damned whining and count your blessings, man! You have a wife, a house, and a job that pays well enough to support both while not requiring you to work outdoors in 100+ degree heat, kill people, or commit acts of prostitution. Do you know how many people in the world have to perform physical labor for the merest fraction of what you make only to go home to a complete sh*thole?

I don't really like my job much, but I don't whine about it. Now, if you had told me when I was 8 years old that I'd be stuck at a desk in a cubicle for 40+ hours a week when I grew up, I'd have probably cried and wondered why I couldn't instead have been an astronaut or the starting halfback for the Washington Redskins. But now, I'm aware that I'm lucky to not have to break my back for a living, and instead can earn a decent living in the comfort of an air conditioned office.

I don't look to my job for personal satisfaction or justification of my existence. There are other areas of my life from which I can glean contentment and gratification - the time in the office just pays the bills, my friend.

I suggest you get a copy of Denis Leary's "No Cure For Cancer" and take it to heart. ;) In the meantime, don't expect a new job to make your life better, because it never will - you're looking in the wrong place.

[Godzilla Blitz]

Hey Blade,

Not that it would get this dark, but do consider that that number one cause of suicide is untreated depression. IF it ever gets that bad that you would be considering something like that, please seek professional help. Don't try to "be a man" and solve it yourself.

If you like to read, you might try these books:

Guide to Rational Living (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0879800429/qid=1058982234/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-9087929-6798521?v=glance&s=books)

Feeling Good (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380810336/qid=1058982285/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/102-9087929-6798521)

Both of these books came highly recommended to me, and are well respected in the field. Personally, I like the Guide to Rational Living, which is a book that attempts to help people to think more rationally when they are depressed. Generally, when people are depressed, they tend to exaggerate problems, and one or two problems "makes everything bad". For example, you car has a scratch down the left side, and that makes your car a "piece of crap". When depressed, people have a strong tendency to do those kinds of 'irrational" things.

One other thing to try, that I think they mention in The Guide to Rational Living, is to write down three or four things that you are thankful for just before you go to bed. If it's hard at first, just bear with it. Be honest, and think about three or four things that you are thankful for, they could be things that happened during the day, or friends you have, or something stupid, like a good laugh you had during the day. Studies have shown that people that make this a habit, tend, on the whole, to show signs of feeling better within a couple of weeks. Personally, when I've had rough times, I've found this one effective. It's amazing the good things we don't think about when we get busy and stressed.

But lastly, please remember to get professional help if you ever start to seriously consider suicide. The above books and ideas are based on the idea that you can solve certain levels of depression on your own, without drugs, and there are many in the field that would lean towards medical treatment as the most effective means, especially if things get worse.

Hope that helps!

[ice4277]

Blade,

I know how you feel, I am 25 too and also get those same feelings. I used to get them a lot more in the past but for some reason or another not as much now. Like some people said above, count the blessings in life. When you get down, try to turn these things into a positive. For instance, comparing your situation to mine:

You have a steady, full-time job; I have two part-time jobs and am struggling to find a full-time one in my field; and a LOT of people our age don't have anything right now.

You have a house of your own; many people our age are stuck in some shithole apartment somewhere, or still live at home, like me, for the time being.

I'm not trying to belittle your complaints, just trying to show that there is always a positive to things. For example, with my two jobs, they may be part-time but I have a great time doing them. And I may be stuck living at home right now, but, hey, at least it's free :D

A lot of it has to do with how you look at things in your mind; I had to change my mindset a while back because I had a couple breakdowns and thought I was at the end of my rope. Its not the easiest thing to do, but it will work wonders for you, trust me. Also, if you really feel like you are stuck in a bad depression, there's nothing wrong with going to talk to somebody about it. That can help a great deal.

Like people above said, if you want to talk to somebody about it more, you can IM me, my screenname is the same as my name here.

[markprior22]

Blade...I am 39 and have struggled with depression for years. You have to keep in mind that some of your unhappiness in your work may be due to the depression (not the other way around).

I know we are overmedicated as a society but I started taking anti depression medication about 5 years ago and it has helped so much. I just wish I would have dealt with this years ago.

They have medications now (such as celexa, zoloft, paxil) that are clean drugs...i.e....they don't do long term organ damage. I don't think it would hurt to at least try.

One other thing...my doctor explained to me that depression is usually caused by a seratonin imbalance. Medication usually breaks down in one of three ways...1) You take it for 6-9 months...try going off it and are fine for the rest of your life 2) Take it...try going off and after a prolonged period of time you find that you need to go back on it or 3) You try going off the medication and the depressive state reappears very quickly. That indicates that you will need the medicine possibly for life.

But, as I said, the quality of life is so much better.

Good luck

[Blade]

Again, thank you all very much for your comments. GB, I will definitely give the books a read. I have struggled with trying to figure out if I am reacting purely out of stress, or out of depression. Perhaps I am not the right person to make that assessment, though.

Truly, I know that I am better off than a lot of other people my age. I do have a loving Wife and family, a new house (which my parents have not even achieved all their lives), a strong circle of friends, and a job that does have caring co-workers. It has just been tough for me to clear up my "funks" at work by thinking of this. I am a pessimist at heart, and that probably does not help things much.

It may seem pretty stupid, as this is an Internet forum and all, but I think we have a great community here. I feel comfortable posting these thoughts and problems that I am having in my life, and asking for advice. Just opening up about things has helped, and I think I have a few options that I can try to help get out of this low spell.

Thank you all very much, and if anyone does have anything to add, I would love to hear it.

[WussGawd]

Blade,

I don't know how long these feelings have been a part of your life, but I can tell you my own experience. I battle clinical depression.

Things came to a head 5 years ago. Ironically, the external parts of my life were getting better by the day back then. I'd got a new job in a new industry that was paying a lot more than I'd ever made before. I had two wonderful children, and a loving wife (still have all of those, btw). I was working freelance on the side as a writer, making decent chump change. Things were going great.

But inside, I was a wreck. I was constantly irritable of the kids, I was insanely mistrusting of my wife (for no reason, as it turned out), and even the things I enjoyed doing, like writing, gaming, etc. weren't entertaining. I remember that I just spent much of my days feeling isolated and angry.

Finally, in the course of seeking treatment for my oldest child (he has, as we later learned, depression and ADHD), his psychologist suggested that I had depression.

I didn't know what to think of her suggestion, but what I did know was I needed to do something. I went to the doctor, and got put on Paxil. It changed my life, and probably saved my marriage and my relationship with my kids (I'm still on it).

The irony of it all is that I am a pretty self-aware person. On some level, I knew that things were wrong, and deep down I probably knew that I had a problem, but if I hadn't got help, who knows what might have happened.

What I encourage you to do, if these feelings continue for long (or if they already have), is to seek professional help, a psychologist, or a physician.

On a different level, I encourage you to learn something it took me a long time to learn. Your job should not be your life. It should not define you as a person. Find something that you like to do outside of your current job. This could be a hobby, or another vocation, but it could even be another job.

I would suggest that the reason you feel trapped by your current job isn't that you don't have other choices (you're 25, the world is your oyster, you can chuck your career out the window right now and still have 40 years to develop a new one), but rather that you are afraid of making them.

I encourage you to talk openly and honestly with your wife, not just about your disappointment with your current job/career, but about what you want to do in the future. She sounds nice. She can probably even help point the way, or ease the burden on you.

There are always forks in the road...don't be afraid to take the path that's overgrown with weeds and looks foreboding...it often winds up being the better choice.

Best of luck, and let us know how its going. I'm seeing a dynasty in here somewhere. :D

[Fonzie]

Blade,

I'm very sorry to hear that you're experiencing such distress, and I want to strongly second what GB, markprior22, and WussGawd said - seeking professional help should definitely be on the table. There are very good depression treatments available, of both the pharmaceutical and psychotherapy kinds. If your job has decent mental health benefits you should seriously consider availing yourself of them. And even if the benefits aren't that good or are nonexistant, the expense is likely to be worth it. Proper treatment really can make all the difference.

One thing to consider, if you pursue mental health treatment, is that not all therapeutic agents are for all people. For psychotherapy, it is important to find someone you "click" with, who shares or at least understands your worldview, and provides a proper level of empathy. You don't have to "like" them, but you do need to feel you can work well together. So shop around a bit, or get recommendations from folks you know (you'll be surprised how many people you know have seen a mental health professional!), or get a referral from your primary care physician. Likewise, medications can be a bit tricky, as not all of them work for all people. Folks sometimes need to try 2, 3, 4 or more different types of antidepressants (usually SSRIs) in succession just to see what works best for them, and they each take 2-4 weeks for clinical benefits to become apparent (if they work for you at all). Patience will be needed, but most folks who try antidepressants are ultimately able to find one that's effective for them.

Best of luck to you!

[MikeVic]

I'm going into 3rd year University, majoring in Computer Science, and trying to get a Minor in Business. I some times feel like comp. sci. isn't the right job for me, and want to get out of it and pursue another career.... however, at other times I love comp. sci., and enjoy working out a big problem using easier steps, and finally seeing my finished assignment working properly.

It's those times that I work countless hours an an assignment, only to get a shitload of errors, and end up failing the assignment.

I'd just like to know if anyone else here that has been through comp. sci. has felt like this also? Or if this is a bad sign about the career path I am choosing...

Thanks, and I wish the best of luck to Blade. If I'm so overwhelmed, I find that just by sitting down on the couch and watching what I love (football on Sunday, some cartoons, wrestling), goes a long way in making me feel better.

[Blade]

Again, thank you all for the responses. My Wife and I talked last night, and I am going to see someone. I am not sure if I have depression or not, but it is probably best to just talk about some things and make sure I am not going to get worse.

I know a good doctor, as my Sister was clinically depressed five or six years ago, and this doctor helped her (is this hereditary or something?). So, we will see what happens. Had a good night last night, as I had a slowpitch game, so I just concentrated on having fun, but now that I am here at work again, I feel completely drained...

Hopefully I can get some good news and find out what is going on with me soon!

[GrantDawg]

Originally posted by Blade

I know a good doctor, as my Sister was clinically depressed five or six years ago, and this doctor helped her (is this hereditary or something?).


Yes, very much so. It is very good advice to go and see someone.

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Blade
Again, thank you all for the responses. My Wife and I talked last night, and I am going to see someone. I am not sure if I have depression or not, but it is probably best to just talk about some things and make sure I am not going to get worse.

I know a good doctor, as my Sister was clinically depressed five or six years ago, and this doctor helped her (is this hereditary or something?). So, we will see what happens. Had a good night last night, as I had a slowpitch game, so I just concentrated on having fun, but now that I am here at work again, I feel completely drained...

Hopefully I can get some good news and find out what is going on with me soon!

I'm glad to hear this. A lot of what you said originally echoed with me about my bad old days. Seeking help is a good thing here.

Depression does run in families. I have it, my father did (although he didn't seek help for it, I just recognized the signs), and my oldest son has it. I suspect my younger son may, but I'm not entirely sure on that yet.

[Blade]

Originally posted by WussGawd
I'm glad to hear this. A lot of what you said originally echoed with me about my bad old days. Seeking help is a good thing here.

Depression does run in families. I have it, my father did (although he didn't seek help for it, I just recognized the signs), and my oldest son has it. I suspect my younger son may, but I'm not entirely sure on that yet.

I will definitely talk to someone, just in case I can head it off before it gets worse...

You may get your dynasty after all!

Again, thank you all...I am glad to know that there are some great people in this community!

[illinifan999]

http://www.hoptechno.com/book34.htm - Depression: Define It. Defeat It. Advice and guidance for people who suspect a friend is suffering from depression.

If the doctor doesnt help out much, you might want to check this site out.

Or here's another:

http://www.blarg.net/~charlatn/Depression.html - This is a privately maintained page about depression, constructed and maintained by an individual who suffered from the illness himself. It has easy-to-read information on treatment options, personal writings from people who suffer from depression, and many links to similar pages.

[Bad-example]

I am unsure why I decided to wait so long before responding to this thread, but I hope my comments can help you a bit.

I have suffered from depression virtually my whole life, but wasn't actually diagnosed until about 10 years ago, when I turned 30.

While I highly recommend going to see a therapist, a very small percentage of people react negatively to it. I am one of those. It took me 5 years to realize that I was better off treating myself rather than continuing to seek outside help.

These suggestions are things that have helped me cope with depression on my own. Perhaps you will find something useful you can use in addition to whatever treatment you seek.

Triggers. Depression is very much about triggers for me. Money troubles might set me spinining downward, or a romantic setback, or sometimes receiving bad news about a friend. Sometimes it can be a movie that triggers it. The important thing for me was figuring out the things that was setting my depression into motion. Understanding the causes was key for me.

Remedies. There are things I discovered that can help snap me out of depressed funks. One thing I found I can lean on in bad times is music. A couple hours singing along with the Beatles or Tom Petty sometimes can help me change my perspective. Perhaps for other people particular movies or an activity like walking in the park or visiting an understanding friend can be positive triggers. The important thing is to be self aware enough to know what effect different things have on your mindset.

Know that it will pass. No matter how lousy you feel, try and remember that it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS temporary. Depression, at least for me, is not about getting depressed and staying that way. Living with depression has taught me to recognize its transitory nature. It is a rough patch to get through to better times, not a giant weight you must bear every day of your life. It comes and goes.

Caring for yourself. This was a tough one for me to implement, but when you are depressed it is all the more important to focus on your physical needs. Drink enough water to keep yourself hydrated. Get proper nutrition. Get at least a little exercise every day.

The longer you live with depression, the better you will understand it and its effects and triggers. Be self aware. Learn from each bout.

I hope this long, rambling post of mine makes enough sense that you can take something helpful from it. Hang in there.

[Blade]

Bad-example, thank you for your post...really, all of this is helping me a lot. I hope I can have good news soon...