Fritz
09-09-2003, 01:47 PM
(forgive the formatting. naval messaging blows)
--------------
RMKS/1. HERE'S ANOTHER BATCH OF YARNS ABOUT THINGS THAT THE PEOPLE
INVOLVED MAY HAVE CONSIDERED A "MINOR OVERSIGHT" OR AN "ACCEPTABLE
CHANCE" JUST SECONDS BEFORE THE PAIN STARTED.
A. AN SA WAS SPRAYING THE BULKHEADS IN AN AIMD SHOP WITH WHITE
ENAMEL UNTIL HIS SPRAY GUN STOPPED WORKING. HE NOTICED A SMALL
LEAK WHERE THE HOSE CONNECTED. THEN HE TOOK OFF HIS RESPIRATOR.
MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. HE DIDN'T RELEASE THE PRESSURE FROM THE PAINT
RIG. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. AND HE TRIED TO TIGHTEN THE CONNECTION
BUT LOOSENED IT INSTEAD. MISTAKE NUMBER THREE. THIS PARTICULAR
GAFFE, LIKE THE ALSO POPULAR STEPPING-ON-THE-GAS-INSTEAD-OF-THE-
BRAKE PLOY, NEARLY ALWAYS LEADS TO SOMETHING FUNKY. IN THIS CASE,
IT EXTENDED THE AIMD PAINT SCHEME ONTO HIS FACE AND INTO HIS
EYEBALLS. A SHIPMATE IMMEDIATELY TOOK HIM TO THE NEAREST EYEWASH
STATION FOR THE EVER-POPULAR COLD-WATER FACE FLUSH. LUCKY FOR HIM
IT WORKED!
B. THIS JUST ADDED TO MY EVER-EXPANDING LIST OF WORDS THAT TRIGGER
OFF ALARM BELLS WHEN I SEE THEM IN A MESSAGE: BOXING.
IF YOU'VE READ ENOUGH MISHAP REPORTS, YOU JUST KNOW THAT
NOTHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN A MESSAGE ONCE YOU READ THAT
WORD. THE ONLY QUESTION IS WHERE THE INJURY IS GOING TO HAPPEN,
AND HOW BAD IS IT GOING TO BE.
OK, GENE, NOW YOU CAN RING THE BELL FOR ROUND ONE. FLASH BULBS
POP. THE ANNOUNCER'S VOICE BLARES OUT OVER THE NOISY CROWD. "IN
THIS CORNER, WEARING CARGO PANTS AND A T-SHIRT, AND WEIGHING IN A
170 POUNDS, ABF3 ROCKY BALBOA!" (NOT HIS REAL NAME). "AND IN THAT
CORNER," THE ANNOUNCER CONTINUES, "WEARING THE CLEAR PLASTIC WRAP,
AND WEIGHING IN AT 8 POUNDS, ICY BRISKET."
IT ISN'T REALLY A BOXING MATCH, MORE LIKE AN I.Q. TEST. ROCKY
JUST HAS TO BREAK UP THE MEAT SO THAT IT WILL FIT IN A MICROWAVE
FOR DEFROSTING. PERSONALLY, I'D THINK THAT PLENTY OF TOOLS WOULD
BE AVAILABLE FOR THIS TASK: A MALLET, A HAMMER, A BRICK WRAPPED IN
A TOWEL, A JACKHAMMER. BUT ROCKY DECIDES TO USE HIS HANDS, AND IF
YOU EVER WANT A DEMONSTRATION OF THE FACT THAT THE SPIRIT MIGHT BE
WILLING BUT THE FLESH REMAINS WEAK, INDULGE YOURSELF IN A LITTLE
JACKIE CHAN ACTION WITH A LARGE SLAB OF ICICLE-COVERED BRISKET. IN
ROCKY'S CASE, THE MEAT REMAINED UNDENTED (AND, AS FAR AS WE KNOW,
UNDEFROSTED AND UNBARBECUED). A BONE IN THE SAILOR'S HAND,
HOWEVER, BROKE IMMEDIATELY, PUTTING THE SAILOR ON A WEEK OF
CONVALESCENT LEAVE AND A MONTH OF LIGHT DUTY.
BACK TO THE ANNOUNCER: "AND THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPEEN OF
THE MEAT LOCKER-ICY BRISKET!"
THE REPORT CALLED THE INJURY A "BOXER'S FRACTURE." SOUNDS
PRETTY COOL, MUCH BETTER THAN ADMITTING THAT THE ENTR?E SCORED A
TKO.
C. HERE'S ONE OF THOSE SCENES THAT SENDS THE STUDIO AUDIENCE INTO
GALES OF LAUGHTER WHEN THEY WATCH THE VIDEO. OF COURSE, THE CAMERA
NEVER FOLLOWS THE VICTIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM, AND NOBODY ON THE
SCENE IS ACTUALLY LAUGHING ONCE SOMEONE HAS TO CALL 911.
THE SOGGY STAR OF THIS ONE WAS AN SK2 WHO WAS STROLLING ON A
JETTY IN TEXAS. A LARGE WAVE SWEPT OVER THE JETTY AND KNOCKED HER
OFF BALANCE. SHE FELL AND BROKE HER LEFT KNEE.
CRUCIAL DETAILS ARE MISSING. WERE SIMILAR WAVES ROUTINELY
BREAKING OVER THE JETTY? IF SO, WHY WAS SHE WALKING THERE? OR WAS
IT A SUDDEN, ALBEIT MODEST, ROGUE WAVE? DID A STORM LURK SOMEWHERE
OUT IN THE GULF? IF SO, THIS WATERSIDE STROLL WAS JUST NOT VERY
WELL THOUGHT OUT.
EITHER WAY, IT WAS TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM WORK FOR THE SK2.
D. ONCE YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL, TESTS ARE USUALLY GOOD. PRODUCT
TESTS, FOR EXAMPLE. IF YOU'RE BUYING A LIFE PRESERVER, YOU WANT TO
KNOW THAT THE SURE-FLOAT CORPORATION HAS TESTED THEIR PRODUCT,
BECAUSE IF YOU TOPPLE OUT OF YOUR BOAT, YOU WANT TO BE UPRIGHT,
AFLOAT, AND YELLING FOR HELP, NOT EXAMINING THE OOZE ON THE
BOTTOM. WHEN A PRODUCT FAILS A TEST, THE MANUFACTURER GOES BACK TO
THE DRAWING BOARD. RIGHTFULLY SO.
DRIVING TESTS ARE ANOTHER GOOD THING. YOU WANT OTHER DRIVERS TO
KNOW THAT THE YELLOW LIGHT DOESN'T MEAN "MASH ON THE GAS PEDAL."
IF SOMEBODY FLUNKS THE DRIVER'S TEST, THEY STUDY MORE AND TAKE IT
AGAIN.
THERE'S ONE TEST THAT SAILORS AND MARINES KEEP FAILING: THE
MOTORCYCLE TEST-DRIVE. OWNERS KEEP LENDING THEM TO UNQUALIFIED
SHIPMATES, AND THE LATTER KEEP TURNING THE MOTORCYCLES INTO DEBRIS
AND THEMSELVES INTO SUTURED AND BANDAGED PATIENTS.
THE LATEST WAS AN EM1 IN TEXAS. HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE LICENSE,
WHICH WAS WORTH SOMETHING, AND HE WAS SCHEDULED TO TAKE THE
MOTORCYCLE-SAFETY COURSE THE FOLLOWING MONTH, WHICH WAS WORTH
NOTHING UNTIL HE ACTUALLY TOOK IT ("DUE TO MISHAP, HE WAS NOT ABLE
TO ATTEND," THE MESSAGE SAYS, A GREAT LINE THAT SHOULD BE POSTED
IN HUGE LETTERS AT ALL THE MOTORCYCLE SCHOOLS AND DEALERSHIPS IN
AMERICA).
SO, HE ROLLED OUT ON A BRAND-NEW HONDA DOWN A COUNTY ROAD NEAR
DUSK. TWO FRIENDS WERE WATCHING AS HE HIT A PAIR OF BUMPS. THE
FIRST MADE HIM LOSE CONTROL. THE SECOND MADE HIM LOSE CONTACT WITH
THE MOTORCYCLE, WHICH HAD, ITSELF, LOST CONTACT WITH THE ROAD. HE
CARTWHEELED ONTO THE PAVEMENT HEADFIRST AND ROLLED A COUPLE TIMES.
PUT A NEW BEND IN HIS RIGHT FOREARM AND TEXTBOOK-GRADE ROAD RASH
ON HIS BACK AND LEFT ARM.
SEVEN DAYS IN A HOSPITAL, 23 MORE CONVALESCING, AND 16 DAYS
MORE ON LIGHT DUTY. HIS HELMET KEPT HIM ALIVE. SO HE HAD THAT PART
RIGHT.
E. AND THE CULPEPPERS CONTINUE. IT HASN'T BEEN A GOOD SUMMER FOR
THE LITTLE PIGGIES. THIS TIME, A JAYGEE PUSHED HIS MOWER BETWEEN A
TREE AND SOME BUSHES WHILE MOWING HIS LAWN. WHEN HE PULLED THE
MOWER BACK, HE SLIPPED AND INSTEAD OF RELEASING THE HANDLE (WHICH
WOULD HAVE KILLED THE ENGINE), HE HELD ONTO IT TO TRY TO REGAIN
HIS BALANCE. HIS RIGHT FOOT SLIPPED UNDER THE BACK OF THE MOWER.
THE BLADE SLICED RIGHT THROUGH HIS RUNNING SHOE AND LOPPED OFF
THREE TOES. HIS SON CALLED 9-1-1, AND HIS WIFE APPLIED PRESSURE TO
THE WOUND AND PACKED HIS FOOT AND SEVERED TOES IN ICE. DOCTORS
COULDN'T REATTACH THE TOES BECAUSE THE WOUND WAS TOO JAGGED. OUCH!
--------------
RMKS/1. HERE'S ANOTHER BATCH OF YARNS ABOUT THINGS THAT THE PEOPLE
INVOLVED MAY HAVE CONSIDERED A "MINOR OVERSIGHT" OR AN "ACCEPTABLE
CHANCE" JUST SECONDS BEFORE THE PAIN STARTED.
A. AN SA WAS SPRAYING THE BULKHEADS IN AN AIMD SHOP WITH WHITE
ENAMEL UNTIL HIS SPRAY GUN STOPPED WORKING. HE NOTICED A SMALL
LEAK WHERE THE HOSE CONNECTED. THEN HE TOOK OFF HIS RESPIRATOR.
MISTAKE NUMBER ONE. HE DIDN'T RELEASE THE PRESSURE FROM THE PAINT
RIG. MISTAKE NUMBER TWO. AND HE TRIED TO TIGHTEN THE CONNECTION
BUT LOOSENED IT INSTEAD. MISTAKE NUMBER THREE. THIS PARTICULAR
GAFFE, LIKE THE ALSO POPULAR STEPPING-ON-THE-GAS-INSTEAD-OF-THE-
BRAKE PLOY, NEARLY ALWAYS LEADS TO SOMETHING FUNKY. IN THIS CASE,
IT EXTENDED THE AIMD PAINT SCHEME ONTO HIS FACE AND INTO HIS
EYEBALLS. A SHIPMATE IMMEDIATELY TOOK HIM TO THE NEAREST EYEWASH
STATION FOR THE EVER-POPULAR COLD-WATER FACE FLUSH. LUCKY FOR HIM
IT WORKED!
B. THIS JUST ADDED TO MY EVER-EXPANDING LIST OF WORDS THAT TRIGGER
OFF ALARM BELLS WHEN I SEE THEM IN A MESSAGE: BOXING.
IF YOU'VE READ ENOUGH MISHAP REPORTS, YOU JUST KNOW THAT
NOTHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN A MESSAGE ONCE YOU READ THAT
WORD. THE ONLY QUESTION IS WHERE THE INJURY IS GOING TO HAPPEN,
AND HOW BAD IS IT GOING TO BE.
OK, GENE, NOW YOU CAN RING THE BELL FOR ROUND ONE. FLASH BULBS
POP. THE ANNOUNCER'S VOICE BLARES OUT OVER THE NOISY CROWD. "IN
THIS CORNER, WEARING CARGO PANTS AND A T-SHIRT, AND WEIGHING IN A
170 POUNDS, ABF3 ROCKY BALBOA!" (NOT HIS REAL NAME). "AND IN THAT
CORNER," THE ANNOUNCER CONTINUES, "WEARING THE CLEAR PLASTIC WRAP,
AND WEIGHING IN AT 8 POUNDS, ICY BRISKET."
IT ISN'T REALLY A BOXING MATCH, MORE LIKE AN I.Q. TEST. ROCKY
JUST HAS TO BREAK UP THE MEAT SO THAT IT WILL FIT IN A MICROWAVE
FOR DEFROSTING. PERSONALLY, I'D THINK THAT PLENTY OF TOOLS WOULD
BE AVAILABLE FOR THIS TASK: A MALLET, A HAMMER, A BRICK WRAPPED IN
A TOWEL, A JACKHAMMER. BUT ROCKY DECIDES TO USE HIS HANDS, AND IF
YOU EVER WANT A DEMONSTRATION OF THE FACT THAT THE SPIRIT MIGHT BE
WILLING BUT THE FLESH REMAINS WEAK, INDULGE YOURSELF IN A LITTLE
JACKIE CHAN ACTION WITH A LARGE SLAB OF ICICLE-COVERED BRISKET. IN
ROCKY'S CASE, THE MEAT REMAINED UNDENTED (AND, AS FAR AS WE KNOW,
UNDEFROSTED AND UNBARBECUED). A BONE IN THE SAILOR'S HAND,
HOWEVER, BROKE IMMEDIATELY, PUTTING THE SAILOR ON A WEEK OF
CONVALESCENT LEAVE AND A MONTH OF LIGHT DUTY.
BACK TO THE ANNOUNCER: "AND THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPEEN OF
THE MEAT LOCKER-ICY BRISKET!"
THE REPORT CALLED THE INJURY A "BOXER'S FRACTURE." SOUNDS
PRETTY COOL, MUCH BETTER THAN ADMITTING THAT THE ENTR?E SCORED A
TKO.
C. HERE'S ONE OF THOSE SCENES THAT SENDS THE STUDIO AUDIENCE INTO
GALES OF LAUGHTER WHEN THEY WATCH THE VIDEO. OF COURSE, THE CAMERA
NEVER FOLLOWS THE VICTIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM, AND NOBODY ON THE
SCENE IS ACTUALLY LAUGHING ONCE SOMEONE HAS TO CALL 911.
THE SOGGY STAR OF THIS ONE WAS AN SK2 WHO WAS STROLLING ON A
JETTY IN TEXAS. A LARGE WAVE SWEPT OVER THE JETTY AND KNOCKED HER
OFF BALANCE. SHE FELL AND BROKE HER LEFT KNEE.
CRUCIAL DETAILS ARE MISSING. WERE SIMILAR WAVES ROUTINELY
BREAKING OVER THE JETTY? IF SO, WHY WAS SHE WALKING THERE? OR WAS
IT A SUDDEN, ALBEIT MODEST, ROGUE WAVE? DID A STORM LURK SOMEWHERE
OUT IN THE GULF? IF SO, THIS WATERSIDE STROLL WAS JUST NOT VERY
WELL THOUGHT OUT.
EITHER WAY, IT WAS TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM WORK FOR THE SK2.
D. ONCE YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL, TESTS ARE USUALLY GOOD. PRODUCT
TESTS, FOR EXAMPLE. IF YOU'RE BUYING A LIFE PRESERVER, YOU WANT TO
KNOW THAT THE SURE-FLOAT CORPORATION HAS TESTED THEIR PRODUCT,
BECAUSE IF YOU TOPPLE OUT OF YOUR BOAT, YOU WANT TO BE UPRIGHT,
AFLOAT, AND YELLING FOR HELP, NOT EXAMINING THE OOZE ON THE
BOTTOM. WHEN A PRODUCT FAILS A TEST, THE MANUFACTURER GOES BACK TO
THE DRAWING BOARD. RIGHTFULLY SO.
DRIVING TESTS ARE ANOTHER GOOD THING. YOU WANT OTHER DRIVERS TO
KNOW THAT THE YELLOW LIGHT DOESN'T MEAN "MASH ON THE GAS PEDAL."
IF SOMEBODY FLUNKS THE DRIVER'S TEST, THEY STUDY MORE AND TAKE IT
AGAIN.
THERE'S ONE TEST THAT SAILORS AND MARINES KEEP FAILING: THE
MOTORCYCLE TEST-DRIVE. OWNERS KEEP LENDING THEM TO UNQUALIFIED
SHIPMATES, AND THE LATTER KEEP TURNING THE MOTORCYCLES INTO DEBRIS
AND THEMSELVES INTO SUTURED AND BANDAGED PATIENTS.
THE LATEST WAS AN EM1 IN TEXAS. HE HAD A MOTORCYCLE LICENSE,
WHICH WAS WORTH SOMETHING, AND HE WAS SCHEDULED TO TAKE THE
MOTORCYCLE-SAFETY COURSE THE FOLLOWING MONTH, WHICH WAS WORTH
NOTHING UNTIL HE ACTUALLY TOOK IT ("DUE TO MISHAP, HE WAS NOT ABLE
TO ATTEND," THE MESSAGE SAYS, A GREAT LINE THAT SHOULD BE POSTED
IN HUGE LETTERS AT ALL THE MOTORCYCLE SCHOOLS AND DEALERSHIPS IN
AMERICA).
SO, HE ROLLED OUT ON A BRAND-NEW HONDA DOWN A COUNTY ROAD NEAR
DUSK. TWO FRIENDS WERE WATCHING AS HE HIT A PAIR OF BUMPS. THE
FIRST MADE HIM LOSE CONTROL. THE SECOND MADE HIM LOSE CONTACT WITH
THE MOTORCYCLE, WHICH HAD, ITSELF, LOST CONTACT WITH THE ROAD. HE
CARTWHEELED ONTO THE PAVEMENT HEADFIRST AND ROLLED A COUPLE TIMES.
PUT A NEW BEND IN HIS RIGHT FOREARM AND TEXTBOOK-GRADE ROAD RASH
ON HIS BACK AND LEFT ARM.
SEVEN DAYS IN A HOSPITAL, 23 MORE CONVALESCING, AND 16 DAYS
MORE ON LIGHT DUTY. HIS HELMET KEPT HIM ALIVE. SO HE HAD THAT PART
RIGHT.
E. AND THE CULPEPPERS CONTINUE. IT HASN'T BEEN A GOOD SUMMER FOR
THE LITTLE PIGGIES. THIS TIME, A JAYGEE PUSHED HIS MOWER BETWEEN A
TREE AND SOME BUSHES WHILE MOWING HIS LAWN. WHEN HE PULLED THE
MOWER BACK, HE SLIPPED AND INSTEAD OF RELEASING THE HANDLE (WHICH
WOULD HAVE KILLED THE ENGINE), HE HELD ONTO IT TO TRY TO REGAIN
HIS BALANCE. HIS RIGHT FOOT SLIPPED UNDER THE BACK OF THE MOWER.
THE BLADE SLICED RIGHT THROUGH HIS RUNNING SHOE AND LOPPED OFF
THREE TOES. HIS SON CALLED 9-1-1, AND HIS WIFE APPLIED PRESSURE TO
THE WOUND AND PACKED HIS FOOT AND SEVERED TOES IN ICE. DOCTORS
COULDN'T REATTACH THE TOES BECAUSE THE WOUND WAS TOO JAGGED. OUCH!