View Full Version : To the men in my office: Curse you, and your infernal mid-morning bowel movements!
Franklinnoble
10-23-2003, 12:56 PM
Not one single stall empty in the entire f-ing building at 10 AM. I had to hold it through an entire meeting. Now I'm backed up, and I'll probably blow a gasket trying to squeeze this one out.
Bastards.
ice4277
10-23-2003, 01:04 PM
There is a guy where I work who drops a massive load in the men's room every morning at 6:30, complete with sound effects such as groans and moans.
Not sure how that helps you but, there it is.
Fritz
10-23-2003, 01:13 PM
this is foul
scooper
10-23-2003, 01:16 PM
Originally posted by Fritz
this is fowl
No. This is fowl:
http://whyfiles.org/shorties/images2/chicken.gif
This is doodie:
http://membres.lycos.fr/solice/hum_cacasportif.gif
cthomer5000
10-23-2003, 01:28 PM
Originally posted by scooper
http://membres.lycos.fr/solice/hum_cacasportif.gif
Disturbingly hypnotic.
Amazingly, I also experienced the "full house" in the bathroom today. I was luckily (or unluckily) the last one into a stall before someone came in, tried to open someone elses door, and then retreated in shame.
Coffee Warlord
10-23-2003, 01:36 PM
Okay, that picture is scaring the living hell outta ma.
Franklinnoble
10-23-2003, 01:38 PM
Originally posted by Fritz
this is foul
I'm glad you approve.
scooper
10-23-2003, 01:49 PM
Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Okay, that picture is scaring the living hell outta ma.
Tell your ma I'm sorry.
Originally posted by scooper
No. This is fowl:
http://whyfiles.org/shorties/images2/chicken.gif
This is doodie:
http://membres.lycos.fr/solice/hum_cacasportif.gif
Funniest.Shit.Ever!
Ksyrup
10-23-2003, 02:46 PM
Does anyone take serious issue with bathroom discussions? I have a friend and former co-worker who used to scout out bathrooms in the entire 6th floor building we worked, just to make sure he was the only one in the bathroom, so that no one would talk to him or he wouldn't have to listen to other people's sound effects. It seriously freaked him out if he was peeing, and someone walked up to the next stall and said 'Hi' to him, or worse, tried to engage him in a conversation. He was psychotic about it.
Radii
10-23-2003, 02:49 PM
a bathroom habit I am noticing more and more, that disturbs the hell out of me, is when someone is sitting in a stall doing their thing, their cell phone rings, and they answer it and start having a conversation while continuing to take their shit or whatever it is they're doing in there...
Originally posted by Radii
a bathroom habit I am noticing more and more, that disturbs the hell out of me, is when someone is sitting in a stall doing their thing, their cell phone rings, and they answer it and start having a conversation while continuing to take their shit or whatever it is they're doing in there...
This Disturbs you?
Damn...don;t ever call me at home...i only answer the phone while i'mshitting.It's the only room i can concentrate in.
The only problem is when ihave a lot of gas.....those noises tend to travel over phone lines:o
Ksyrup
10-23-2003, 02:52 PM
Just had that happen Monday, actually. And it was a long conversation. It impacted me, because I didn't want to make a noise that forced him to ask me to "keep it down over there." So I basically waited until he was done.
JeeberD
10-23-2003, 02:55 PM
I reserve my dumps for before I go to work and after I get home from work. All I do is piss when I'm there...
Vegas Vic
10-23-2003, 02:58 PM
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give I give you the Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good
cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.
klayman
10-23-2003, 02:58 PM
Originally posted by bbor
Damn...don;t ever call me at home...i only answer the phone while i'mshitting.It's the only room i can concentrate in.
The only problem is when ihave a lot of gas.....those noises tend to travel over phone lines:o
If you would stop eating at Taco Bell you could talk on the phone like a normal human being :D
astralhaze
10-23-2003, 03:02 PM
Originally posted by JeeberD
I reserve my dumps for before I go to work and after I get home from work. All I do is piss when I'm there...
No shit. There are just way too many problems with the public bathroom dumping. First of all, you either sit on a seat that has been sullied by lord knows whose ass (and who knows where that ass has been) or try to deal with that whole paper cover deal that never seems to fit right and always slips during the act. Secondly, as bad as it is is having to smell your own crap, it is much worse having to smell some other guy (or multiple guys) crap. Then you have the sound effects factor. Sometimes it sounds like people are jerking off instead of trying to pinch one. Moaning and grunting and all that jazz, I just don't want to hear it. The worst factor of all though is the fart factor. I hate letting out a big old rip in the stall, then coming out and having to face the other people in the room. Not only did I stink up the place, but they all look at me disaprovingly since they know it was me who dealt it.
Originally posted by klayman
If you would stop eating at Taco Bell you could talk on the phone like a normal human being :D
Where's the fun in that?:D
scooper
10-23-2003, 03:22 PM
There are only four other men on my floor. So each of us kind of looks at the facilities as our own private office. It's actually kind of nice to sneak away for a nice quiet sit down with the newspaper in the morning. You can set your watch to my morning "routine" and probably only about once a week will another guy enter the room and usually, that's #1 anyway and soon he's gone and all's quiet again.
B & B
10-23-2003, 03:24 PM
I always drop off the kids at the local pool. Extreme emergency being the only exception.
Easy Mac
10-23-2003, 03:32 PM
I can't take a crap with other people there, I'm too self-conscious. I hust have to sit there until people leave. It made it difficult to shit in the dorm, b/c the bathroom was like a rotating door. In the University Center where I work, there are 2 solitary bathrooms in the building. I get in those unless I just can't help it.
I've always had a fucked up stomach, so I learned at a young age to use any public bathroom.
Easy Mac
10-23-2003, 03:33 PM
dola, I sometimes remove my shoes if I think someone I know may walk into the bathroom... I'm insane.
thesloppy
10-23-2003, 04:01 PM
I have a theory that the amount of money you make/position at office is directly proportional to the amount of noise you make whilst evacuating your bowels.
It seems without fail that whenever I here some douchebag grunting, moaning, and letting loose the juice, it is usually a manager that walks out of the stall.
McSweeny
10-23-2003, 04:09 PM
oh man this thread has had me laughing for the past 10 minutes! my eyes are watering!
Balldog
10-23-2003, 04:25 PM
Today I went to drop a load and somebody shit on the toilet seat, so I held it until I got home. I was looking forward to killing the last 15 minutes of the day reading the SSX Review and taking a dump. Thanks asshole!
astralhaze
10-23-2003, 04:27 PM
Originally posted by Balldog
Thanks asshole!
There is outstanding pun number two of this thread.
Well shit, I just made it three.
Err, four.
Neuqua
10-23-2003, 04:35 PM
What I would give to have Quiksand post in this thread. Just to acknowledge he read it.
Kodos
10-23-2003, 04:37 PM
What I can't stand is idiots who leave the crapper and leave without washing their hands. I hate to touch any surfaces at work because these morons are too disgusting to spend 30 seconds washing their hands. I would love to post a "Dirty Dozen" thing with the biggest offenders pictures on it. :mad:
KevinNU7
10-23-2003, 04:40 PM
Am I the only one who prefers to shit at work instead of at home?
Well I work in a Boston high rise for a very well off company and we have a cleaning crew that comes in every night so that bathroom is always spotless. I think the bathrooms at work are way better the the ones at my place.
sterlingice
10-23-2003, 04:43 PM
Originally posted by Kodos
What I can't stand is idiots who leave the crapper and leave without washing their hands. I hate to touch any surfaces at work because these morons are too disgusting to spend 30 seconds washing their hands. I would love to post a "Dirty Dozen" thing with the biggest offenders pictures on it. :mad:
What's to say you can't do that anonymously and post them all over the bathroom (on every stall door and the main door and above the urinals and around the office...) early one morning?
SI
bryce
10-23-2003, 04:43 PM
not only can i only crap if there is nobody else in the bathroom, but i'm so anal (yes, pun intended) about it that if the bathroom on my floor isn't empty, i'll proceed to the floor below me, and then the next floor down, etc, until i find an empty bathroom.
but dumping at work is still only executed under extreme conditions - ie, after a bad cici's experience. under normal circumstances, crapping is done at home and home only. and it's like clockwork, too. it can be 5pm, and i feel no urge to shit at all, i drive home, and, no lie, within 2 minutes of walking in the front door, i'm about to crap my drawers as i sprint into the bathroom with my palm plastered to my ass, as if that will keep the poop in for a few more seconds..
Franklinnoble
10-23-2003, 04:44 PM
I prefer to go at work as well. Yes, the toilets are usually clean, but mostly because office toilets are the super-high-powered-industrial-strength-flush variety. I'm a four-flusher at home on my well and septic system, but I can crap and wipe with one flush at the office.
KevinNU7
10-23-2003, 04:46 PM
Originally posted by Franklinnoble
but mostly because office toilets are the super-high-powered-industrial-strength-flush variety. I'm a four-flusher at home on my well and septic system, but I can crap and wipe with one flush at the office. Sooooo true, plus who wants to stink up their own hosue?
Glengoyne
10-23-2003, 04:51 PM
I had a friend actually clear out a bathroom at a stadium one night. One of the people fleeing the facilities was heard saying "Wow Somebody's got some Swamp Gas."
bryce
10-23-2003, 04:56 PM
side note: anybody notice that threads about poop always tend to be some of the lengthier threads...
religion, politics, & poop - everyone has an opinion on these important issues.
MikeVic
10-23-2003, 05:04 PM
Vegas Vic -- that list is one of the funniest things I've read. Turd Burglar! :D
Balldog
10-23-2003, 05:38 PM
I'd rather poop at work, just because I'd rather do it on company time than mine.
MikeVic
10-23-2003, 05:49 PM
Is it just me, or does chewing gum make you wanna poop?
Franklinnoble
10-23-2003, 05:50 PM
Originally posted by MikeVic
Is it just me, or does chewing gum make you wanna poop?
You're supposed to chew it with your mouth.
Abe Sargent
10-23-2003, 08:19 PM
Originally posted by scooper
No. This is fowl:
http://whyfiles.org/shorties/images2/chicken.gif
This is doodie:
http://membres.lycos.fr/solice/hum_cacasportif.gif
I like how the one bomb rebounds off the back....
-Anxiety
Maple Leafs
10-23-2003, 08:42 PM
Originally posted by Kodos
What I can't stand is idiots who leave the crapper and leave without washing their hands."I don't wash my hands every time I use the bathroom. You know when I do wash my hands? When I shit on them. You know how often that is? Two, three times a week, tops. Maybe more around the holidays."
- George Carlin
Originally posted by Franklinnoble
You're supposed to chew it with your mouth.
I had an ESCAPEE when i read this.:D
johnnyshaka
10-24-2003, 02:13 AM
I prefer to crap at the office as well. I work in a small office where the staff is mostly women, so the demand for the men's washroom is minimal. We have to men's washrooms and they include a toilet, a sink, and lots of leg room. So, I usually print off the days top stories, lock the door, turn on the fan and enjoy 15 minutes of paid crapping.
Here's a little site I'm sure some of you may enjoy. (http://www.createafart.com)
I was giggling for hours afterwards...it's all too true!!
Originally posted by scooper
This is doodie:
http://membres.lycos.fr/solice/hum_cacasportif.gif
How can I say I am not surprised it comes from a French Website... ;)
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