ZFL Season 6 [Archive] - Front Office Football Central

revrew

11-06-2003, 06:06 PM

Mark Schlereth's picks

Portland: 10-1"Offensively, they are going to just pound people. By air and turf. Defensively -- you don't run on the Military Middle. And with rookie Master Hu Li (my pick for DROY) added into the secondary and the emergence of young safety Black Mage, the passing D will be good enough to stop teams from keeping up with their 30-point-per-game average. What truly frightens me is that their oldest starter is 31. And they'll probably replace him in the draft next year."
San Antonio: 10-1"If anyone can take down Portland, it's the Margaritas. Their defense will pitch several shutouts (I predict no more than 5 touchdowns scored against all season--combined), and the running game will continue to plow ahead. Passing? We'll see how the rook does. This whole season may come down to a kicker in a 0-0 game."
Los Angeles: 9-2"Still a top-notch defense, and the Stars have built an offense worthy of a championship, but the rest of the league is going to be looking up at Portland and San Antonio for a while. I think it's a good thing L.A. got in their title last year, while they still could."
Albuquerque: 8-3"Albuquerque is doing many things right. Rookie Drederick Tatum coming in will help, Ralph Wiggum may be the best OT in the ZFL, there's youth ascending; and the trade for OG Goliath may be just what Albuquerque needs to put the offensive hurtin' on opposing squads. Offensively, the talent is there to win the whole enchilada, but until the defense picks it up, the Isotopes may have to wait before claiming the crown."
Milwaukee: 7-4"The Muscle Men are loaded with young players that have come out of camp looking better than they did last year. Milwaukee has replaced both DTs, and their back 6--DEs, LBs, and secondary--may be the best unit in football. Not ready to win the championship yet, but a very well-rounded squad."
Knoxville:7-4"The Rednecks have probably the best offense in the ZFL (what's new?). That alone should garner them 7 wins. But they also have the undoubtedly worst defense. Last year's DROY Deion Jackson will be hard-pressed to carry the load himself. The Rednecks may be in for a Chicago-like dive soon if they can't shore up the aging D."
Birmingham: 6-5"Here's a team on the rise again. I change my mind about what I said in Milwaukee. The Olympians may have the best back 6 in football, plus they have DT stud Hera. The Olympian defense will rival San Antonio for tops in the league. On offense, several parts are there, especially the emerging superstar, OG Another Troy. If new starter HB Roman pans out, Birmingham could pull some upsets."
Chicago: 4-7"Never has a team helped themselves so much in a single draft. This is NOT the same team we saw last year. All of a sudden, the defense is crawling back in, and the offense is getting ready. Unfortunately for the Eagles, the complete turnaround won't happen in a single year. But one more draft like that, and the Eagles will be going for a third ring."
El Paso: 4-7"The Busters did not help themselves in the offseason. In fact, I think they're taking some steps backward. There's too much age and too many missing components. GM JeeberD has his work cut out for him."
Little Rock: 3-8"You gotta love Rajah Saleem. His offensive line is going to be better, but he had an off year last year, so I don't know how much that means. The defense is getting better, but with every other player in his thirties, it just isn't getting better fast enough to keep up with the ZFL powerhouses."
Cincinnati: 2-9 "Okay, what I said about 'never has a team helped themself so much in the draft'? Strike that. Cinci's record may not show it, but they are in a whole new world of talent they've never seen before right now. The defense is young and suddenly becoming quite solid. They have an OLB on the bench who would be starting on most teams. If Cinci can build up the offense in future years and do there what they did to the D, the Chaps will rise!"
Fargo: 1-10"Fargo had a good offseason. WR Kaptain Insano and OG Ray will both star in the future. But they have had so much age-purging to do, and right now the bench is filled with young, mediocre guys. If only The Afoci could get a draft pick to break out. If only injuries would stay away. If only...doesn't win many ballgames. Rough year ahead for the 'Fish."

revrew

11-06-2003, 06:08 PM

The other "experts" pick:

Dan Patrick:
Champion: "What the hell you wanna ask me for? I picked Chicago last year, for Christ's sake."
Upstart: "Heck, might as well pick Cincinnati. Let you all laugh at me some more."
MVP: "HB Rajah Saleem, LR - With that new blocking machine in front of him, Rajah is going through the roof."
Rookie to watch: "Behind that line? Gotta watch HB Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There in Portland."

Ron Jaworski:
Champion: "I called Stars last year; I call Margaritas this year"
Upstart: "Chicago. Their rookies look awesome in camp, and I think last year was a bit of a fluke."
MVP: "MLB Ray Lewis, SA"
Rookie to watch: "After looking at just one practice, you'll see that CH MLB 'Ell Capone' as they call him is going to be special."

Merril Hodge:
Champion: "Why talk about Portland if you're not going to put the money down? I say Sea Biscuits win it down the stretch."
Upstart: "Shhhh. Be very, very quiet. There's some building going on in Fargo."
MVP: "Bleeding purple here, I'm going with PT WR Manfred von Richthofen."
Rookie to watch: "I'll tell you who will make the real difference in Portland: Lothar Dirtpounder will shove the Biscuits into title contention, but CB Master Hu Li will determine whether Portland finishes #1 or #2."

Terry Bradshaw:
Champion: "I said it last year, I say it again. LA - Because defense wins championships."
Upstart: "Birmingham. Those young guys coming in should be just what the Olympians need."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ - Because QBs win MVP."
Rookie to watch: "Chicago safety Shut Down could come in and play like a veteran from day 1."

Howie Long:
Champion: "I was a year early in picking San Antonio last season. I pick them again, but this time, I'll get it right."
Upstart: "Portland will vie for the crown."
MVP: "MLB Ray Lewis, SA"
Rookie to watch: "OG Ray in Fargo might not come to mind right away, but as Glutton for Punishment puts up the yards, he will."

Michael Irvin:
Champion: "Albuquerque - Pass + Run = Victory. They've got the whole scoring package now. Watch out, Redneck scoring record, the 'topes are comin' up!"
Upstart: "Cincinnati. That draft will do a club good."
MVP: "AQ QB Moe Sizzlack. He's setting the record books so high, they might stand for generations!"
Rookie to watch: "Back to sizzle-city, the new man in town is AQ FB Drederick Tatum."

Tony Cornheiser:
Champion: "Sizzlack's squad let me down last year, and I don't know if even a stellar QB is enough. I'll go with the well-rounded Margaritas."
Upstart: "Chicago comes back to make some noise."
MVP: "QB Moe Sizzlack, AQ. You can't argue with the numbers."
Rookie to watch: "San Antonio is hanging their hopes on QB Dip Dipperson. Watch carefully."

Brawny Mike:
Champion: "LA is young and now they've tasted victory. It's like a feeding frenzy. They're going to want some more."
Upstart: "Albuquerque - don't be surprised if some of those trades launch them into title contention."
MVP: "MLB Brad Pitt, LA. He comes back to reassert who the man is in the ZFL."
Rookie to watch: "PT HB Lothar Dirtpounder is a shoe-in for OROY."

Scrawny Mike:
Champion: "Last year was L.A.'s turn. This year I'm calling on Portland to take the crown."
Upstart: "I think Cincinnati might just climb out of the cellar. That's upstart enough for me."
MVP: "PT OG Erik Flamebeard. If ever an O-lineman can win the award, it will be this year as he plows the way for a rookie tailback and a championship."
Rookie to watch: "I agree with the fat man. PT HB Lothar Dirtpounder will gather some hardware at the end of the season."

Denny Green:
Champion: "San Antonio Margaritas are primed, pumped, and in position to procure a pppblltpbpt..."

"A what?"

"Sorry. Tongue-tied my alliteration. A title. A title is what they'll...get."
Upstart: "Milwaukee. Injuries be damned."
MVP: "DE All-Pro, SA"
Rookie to watch: "Chicago safety Shut Down"

11-year-old Cody Turren from Bozeman, Montana:
Champion: "If we can dismiss the duplication of championships by the Eagles in previous seasons as a statistical anomoly and recognize instead the league's penchant for parity and diversified dispersion of achievement as more than mere happenstance, thus giving account to current drafting techniques for more than correlation but indeed causation for the previously stated diversity, then the logical conclusion is the asendancy of a previously undecorated orgarnization. Among current contenders, consensus seems to indicate Portland, San Antonio, and Albuquerque as the primary recipients of superior talent through the causal draft relationships. Furthermore, as Birmingham, Chicago, and Portland have demonstrated, the infusion of uninitiated and largely inexperienced players at quarterback has actually resulted in positive gains for their respective squads, one would look with relative favor opon a participant that relies on the arm of a rookie, and since neither Cincinnati nor Little Rock were listed among the aforementioned recipients of superior talent, the primary indicators would evidence one particular team's likelihood above the others. And thus, the natural choice."

"uh....I'm sorry. And who would that be again?"

"San Antonio. Obviously."

"Thanks. No further questions."

sachmo71

11-06-2003, 06:50 PM

Awesome, Rev. Thanks!

digamma

11-06-2003, 07:17 PM

Defense is overrated.

JAG

11-06-2003, 07:37 PM

Darn, I was really interested in Cody's MVP pick.

Swaggs

11-06-2003, 08:02 PM

Let's get it on!

illinifan999

11-06-2003, 09:30 PM

Cody from Montana rocks!

Marmel

11-06-2003, 10:03 PM

For this season, would you all refer to me as 'Champ' please?

:)

korme

11-06-2003, 10:29 PM

Someone get me a goddamn WR.

I'll give someone a goddamn OLB.

Thankyou. :)

Coffee Warlord

11-06-2003, 11:08 PM

Originally posted by Marmel
For this season, would you all refer to me as 'Champ' please?

:)

There's a Sea Biscuit or two who would beg to differ. :D

JeeberD

11-07-2003, 02:31 AM

Bleh. Sound like it's going to be a dismal season in El Paso...

revrew

11-07-2003, 06:00 PM

Week 1 Results
"Week One of the ZFL opens with a bang! Huge matchups right off the bat make week 1 perhaps the most exciting and possibly the most important week of the season!

Let's begin in Albuquerque where the wheelin' and dealin' Isotopes bring their renovated lineup to play against Chicago, a team springboarding from a great preseason into a major rebuilding campaign.

And you know what's frightening? I've watched this game 3 times since it was played, and I still can't account for what I saw. Chicago's rookies Shut Down and "Ell Capone" played brilliantly. Shut Down was all over AQ WR Quagmire, and Capone begins his rookie season with an eye-popping 19-tackle game.

And it's not that the rest of the team played bad. But Albuquerque opened up a can of picture perfect precision and tossed Chicago aside like a child's raggedy doll. Good night, if AQ continues playing like they did today, you can put the title away in Albuquerque.

With OT Ralph Wiggum and rookie FB Drederick Tatum leading the off-tackle charge, HB Guy Incognito showed all the elusiveness he was drafted for. If Capone didn't drag him down from behind a dozen times, Incognito might have rushed for a dozen touchdowns. As it was, he only got 3. And 200 yards.

With the entire Chicago D keying up to stop the run, you can guess what Moe Sizzlack did. 'Kid Gruesome' gunned 24-28-328 and 4 scores. 2 of those to rookie FB Drederick Tatum, and 2 to favorite WR target The Cheat.

Chicago, meanwhile, managed to move the ball fairly well, but 3 ground scores just wouldn't cut it as Albuquerque rolled away in the third quarter and never looked back. AQ, 49-21."

*****
"Another ubercontender for this year's title made a statement game as Portland traveled to Little Rock and took out an offseason-long amount of pent up hostility on the Slick Willies.

Little Rock attempted to go after Portland's rookie CB and first-year starting Safety. It was a good strategy to begin with, for keeping a passing game alive opened up a few holes for HB Rajah Saleem to follow new FB Johnny 'Kid' Rock to big gains. Rajah put up a good game early, busting off a 45-yard weaving TD run and a 39-yard TD sprint.

But, ohhhhh, you don't want to get Portland angry. You won't like Portland when it gets angry.

The Biscuit O-line settled into the trenches, and all hell broke loose behind 'em. What looked like a good game early turned disastrous as Portland scored on 4 straight possessions to end the first half. QB Paddy O'Leary targeted in on Little Rock's very weak secondary and, given his two superstar receivers, lit up the sky. Paddy O' had 300 yards by halftime.

The bruising continued in the second half as PT DT Captain Bipto forced a fumble, rookie CB Master Hu Li picked off a pass, and rookie HB Lothar Dirtpounder pounded in behind his pancake line.

By the time the dust cleared, Portland had screamed out to a 42-14 lead, and that's how it all ended. 420 yards and 3 scores for Paddy O', 2 to Khan Ogadai and one to Manfred von Richthofen. Manfred ran one in as well, and rookie Dirtpounder added 2."

*****
"The excitement has only just begun, however, because even the Queen City was rocking in a home opener against struggling Fargo. Could fate finally smile on the Chaps?

The game began bad for the Chaps as FG HB Glutton for Punishment followed his faithful fullback Ty Wick and new blocking buddy, rookie OG Ray for an opening drive score.

But on Fargo's second drive, CN rookie MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow finally caught up with game speed. He made a key fourth-down tackle, and his confidence began to grow.

Cinci tied it up on a HB Bubs 3-yard TD run behind OT anchor, The King of Town.

On Fargo's third drive, again it was Fluffy Puff who put an end to it, and the Cinci crowd began getting into it. Were they smelling a turnaround?

A FG CB F.Swaggs INT off rookie CN QB Mr. Shmallow almost silenced the crowd, but after a quick 4 and out, Shmallow hit WR Homestar Runner for a 39-yard gain, and the Chaps were back in action. Bubs knocked in his second TD of the game, and CN had the lead at the half, 14-7.

In the second half, Cinci did some key damage with timely sacks from DEs The Ugly One and Strong Mad, driving Fargo back. Rookie QB Mr. Shmallow capitalized on it by hitting Homestar Runner for Shmallow's first career TD...and Cinci never looked back.

Fargo got a late TD when Glutton followed OT Stud to paydirt, but by then Cinci had this one wrapped up. The Chaps take it, 28-14.

CN's rookie QB hit 14-26-229-1-1 on the day. Not a bad start for the #1 pick."

*****
"Down in Birmingham, the El Paso Busters ran into a terror of a buzzsaw in the Olympian defense. If it weren't for a Brian Bosworth fumble recovery that set up a Rashaan Salaam TD plunge, the Busters might never have gotten on the board.

You can't say enough for how this Olympian team shut down the Busters, one of last year's up-and-coming offensive squads. Safety Odyssues grabbed a pair of INTs on the day, and comeback player He's Not JeeberD got one himself. Credit some of those to pressure put on by Atlantis and Another Atlantis, who kept EP QB Ryan Leaf off balance all game. With DT Hera and young Cyclopes stuffing up the middle, and rookie OLB Aristotle cleaning up the trash, the Busters couldn't manage 50 yards on the ground all day.

Offensively, the Olympians spread it out well, giving HB successor Roman a chance to test his legs, especially behind dominating OG Another Troy. And while the Buster Bash Backers, Brian Bosworth and Trev Alberts kept Roman somewhat in check, rookie CB Tommy Knight was abused by BH QB Zeus Reloaded. The Olympians kept switching formations to keep EP safety star Patrick Bates out of the action, and ZR found first-rounder Hercules for 9-127 and newly acquired WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar for 8-116-1.

The Olympians score just enough and let the defense do the rest, BH 14-7."

*****
"The defenses came out in San Antonio, too, where the mighty Margarita D faced a Mighty Man D that matched it toe-to-toe, blow to blow.

In fact, the defenses were SO dominating in today's matchup, that the offenses looked utterly inept.

Last season, no one could stop the Muscle Man running game. But Milwuakee's young guards were no match for San Anton's DTs Aragorn and Sack U. With the line all bottled up, SA MLB Ray Lewis turned off the lights, accumulating 13 tackles and stopping the Muscle Men in their tracks.

But if San Antonio hoped to grind out another winning run game, they were in for a rude awakening. M&M got some room in the middle, but it never loosened up as MW MLB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman were on patrol. In the air? Please. Milwaukee's Brock Marion and Patrick Surtain swatted away passes like flies and OLB Superman blitzed in to garner 4.5 sacks, virtually eliminating the Muscle Man air attack. Rookie SA QB Dip Dipperson was sacked 7 times total. And the Margaritas have a pretty strong line. The rest of the league better have insurance on their QBs, becuase Milwaukee is bringin' it.

Two incredible defenses + two iffy offenses resulted in a predictable score. 0-0. Bring on the kickers!

Rumors surrounded San Antonio in the offseason that GM sachmo wanted to pull a trade to replace 37-year-old kicker Eater of Sandwiches. Those propagating the rumors were only given more credence as Eater faced the Kicker king, Milwaukee's Bruce Handily. Handily lived up to his name in a wicked table tennis match that saw Handily win the best of 3 in two sets, 15-4, 15-5. Milwaukee flexes some big muscle by taking down a preseason favorite of many, 3-0."

*****
"Finally, the big matchup between last year's champ, the LA Stars, and former champ, the Knoxville Rednecks. Many said, 'Best offense against one of the best defenses'. But only half the equation lived up to its billing.

Knoxville's OG Fort Sumter Jackson tossed aging LA vet DT Ed Norton around like a cat with a mouse and HB Leon Jackson found a way to dodge LA MLB Brad Pitt with a cutback. Leon cutback to the tune of 108 yards on the day, and 2 scores.

With the running game opening uncharacteristic holes in the Star Crunch, Thumbless Jackson took to the friendly skies. And Thumbless looked absolutely brilliant today. His accuracy and poise seem to have taken a step up from last year, and it showed as he found a way to get the ball quickly and on time to his two top-flite receivers, Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson. (He had to get it there quickly, too, for LA DE Toby McGwire was breathing hard down Thumbless's neck) JJ and LJ made the most of their catches, breaking off a few big runs, and young FB Jarret Jackson picked up a few passes, and suddenly, Knoxville racked up a shocking 35 points on the Star Crunch.

Oh, in years past, that would have been the end of LA. But not anymore, baby. The champs got some bite!

Knoxville's DEs had no answer for the twin towers of O-tackle power, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. HB Rodney Dangerfield ran off-tackle for 231 yards and 2 scores, galloping to a whopping 8.5 yards per rush average. QB Bernie Mac took advantage of the situation, tossing in TD scores to young Ashton Kucher and veteran Joe Pesci. Score for score, point for point, LA matched Knoxville's powerful punch, and at the end of regulation, the score was tied up, 35-35. Bring on the kickers!

Eli Manning and Little Val Kilmer are both solid kickers in this league, respected and capable. The battle between them today was just as fierce and nearly as close as the game that preceded it. The assignment: Bronco-bustin and bull-ridin'. Simply, each contender rode first a bucking bronco, and then a mad-as-hell bull. The kicker who held on the cumulative longest would win the contest. Additionally, if either kicker stayed on his animal for a full 8 seconds, he would get an additional .5 seconds added to his time.

LvK drew first up on the horse, and second on the bull. He rode the horse for 5.6 before kissin' mud.

KX kicker Eli Manning managed to hold on for 7.6, just missing the 8-second bonus, before landing in the cheap seats.

But Manning had to get right up again and ride the bull. Disadvantage? Perhaps. But Eli managed to hold on for 6.2 seconds.

Interesting note: 7.6 + 6.2 = 13.8
With a measly 5.6 on his first ride, LvK needed 8.3 seconds for the win. In other words, he needed the whole 8 seconds and the .5 bonus. Could he?

The gates opened, and LvK takes a hard knock, sending him a bit sideways at the 1.3 second mark!
He struggles to get fully upright and correct it...3 seconds goes by

The bull takes a wicked backwards jump, sending LvK right into it's neck...4.8 seconds

But LvK grabs hold of the bull's neck and jerks himself back upright...6.2 seconds

The bull responds with a high kick that sends Kilmer forward awfully far...7 seconds

Kilmer teeters, almost taking the horns in the kisser...

Boom! 8 seconds! The horn goes off....

and Kilmer is still on! He held on! Kilmer gets the 8 seconds and the .5 bonus!

Kilmer must have balls of steel, a hydraulic grip, and an ass of cotton fluff to pull off a stunt like that. LA wins, 38-35."

*****
Commish's recap
"LA gets an important win 'out of the gate' :D, but San Antonio takes a tough...fall. (Sorry, couldn't help myself).

Congratulations on breaking the streak, Cinci, and welcome to the win column.

Several key things pop out right away. 3 unstoppable forces: Albuquerque's offense, MW OLB Superman, and Portland's wide receivers. One of these might carry its team to a title.

But the San Antonio, Milwaukee, and Birmingham defenses will test any team's meddle, maybe even Albuquerque's.

Next week, Portland can dust Knoxville 2 back with a win, and we'll see Milwaukee try to take it to the champs. Great games early this season; don't miss the action!"

Coffee Warlord

11-07-2003, 07:30 PM

Damn, I got a long ways to wait to see San Antonio's defensive line take on my brick wall O-Line.

Erik is already chomping at the bit.

digamma

11-07-2003, 08:58 PM

Damn. Time keeper. I swear Eli was on the bull for the full 8 the first time. I demand a recount.

DolphinFan1

11-07-2003, 09:23 PM

Take that Schlereth, you had us at 7-4 and SA at 10-1. Unless you had Milwaukee handing SA the one loss, they aren't going to win the title. We are!!!!!

Marmel

11-07-2003, 09:23 PM

Little Val has done it again! Can he be the first kicker in the ZFL Hall of Fame?

Great game digamma.

DolphinFan1

11-07-2003, 09:28 PM

Originally posted by Marmel
Little Val has done it again! Can he be the first kicker in the ZFL Hall of Fame?

Great game digamma.

No way. Bruce "I'll kick you butt" Handily is the only hall of fame kicker. No one can match up to him. :D

digamma

11-07-2003, 09:43 PM

Good game, Marm. Two years in a row in OT.

tucker342

11-07-2003, 10:10 PM

Good game Jeeber!:)

JAG

11-07-2003, 10:21 PM

Interestingly, I heard Mark Schlereth on the radio today. He didn't even mention the ZFL once. :(

Nice win Milwaukee! A real shocking upset to start off the season.

sachmo71

11-07-2003, 10:56 PM

KICKER!!!!!!!!!!

JeeberD

11-08-2003, 12:42 AM

Originally posted by sachmo71
KICKER!!!!!!!!!!

So you wanna re-think that trade offer? :)

Coffee Warlord

11-08-2003, 01:40 AM

Originally posted by DolphinFan1
Take that Schlereth, you had us at 7-4 and SA at 10-1. Unless you had Milwaukee handing SA the one loss, they aren't going to win the title. We are!!!!!

In the words of retired CB Kosh.

Incorrect.

Katon

11-08-2003, 05:36 AM

Originally posted by sachmo71
KICKER!!!!!!!!!!

When was the last time San Antonio lost that wasn't Eater of Sandwiches' fault?

edited for spelling

NevStar

11-08-2003, 12:13 PM

Originally posted by revrew

'Kid Gruesome' gunned 24-28-328 and 4 scores

Whoa. Amazing what a running game will do to your efficiency.

The best defense is a good offense.

JeeberD

11-09-2003, 12:29 AM

El paso announces that they have traded 20 year old kicker Steve McLaughlin to San Antonio for their second round pick next year.

Sachmo will hopefully confirm shortly...

JAG

11-09-2003, 05:02 AM

I wonder if he'll also announce the firing of his special teams coach.

sachmo71

11-09-2003, 10:01 AM

Confirmed. No, the special teams coach isn't fired, but Eater of Sandwiches has been.

Coffee Warlord

11-10-2003, 04:21 PM

Badadump.

Edit: By the by, did that good aging OLB ever get traded?

digamma

11-10-2003, 04:53 PM

No. Shorty is playing hard ball while he rots away on the Sinsynatty bench. ;)

Coffee Warlord

11-10-2003, 05:01 PM

In that case...

Shorty, get your midget ass over here and PM me what you're looking for in a trade for homeboy. :)

revrew

11-11-2003, 02:51 PM

Week 2 Results

"Both Little Rock (0-1) and El Paso (0-1) entered today's contest licking wounds from last week's losses.

Little Rock began last week with some spectacular running by HB Rajah Saleem, and they would get it again today. But the passing game didn't get much going as EP MLB Brian Bosworth dropped back into coverage and OLB Trev Alberts patrolled the flat. The message from JeeberD was simple, 'Throw long, or don't throw at all.' And though LR WR Bruce Spinner caught a couple of deep balls (4-155), none of them made it into the endzone. An EP Patrick Bates INT further reduced the Willie air attack, which generated only 7 first downs all afternoon.

To his credit, however, Rajah Saleem took what he could get, especially with the 'backers playing deep, and Rajah rushed 41 times for 198 yards and 3 scores.

For El Paso, however, last year's standout rookie OT Billy Milner stepped it up, and agaisnt the woeful Willie sencondary, EP QB Ryan Leaf had an outstanding day. WR Yatil Green grabbed 100 yards and a score, while Rae Carruth hauled in 150+ and 2. With punishing FB Rashaan Salaam forcing Little Rock to play honest, there was little the Willies could do to stop the onslaught. Salaam carried 14 times for 74 yards and capped off two back-breaking drives with TD plunges.

El Paso takes out their frustration on the Willies, 35-21."

*****
"An excellent game played today in Birmingham, between the Olympians (1-0) and the Chicago Eagles (0-1).

The game today came down to matchups, as each team quickly established what could and couldn't be accomplished. For Chicago's woeful wide receivers, BH Safety Odysseus and CB He's not JeeberD were nightmares. Atlantis and Another Atlantis further maligned the Eagle passing game, and CH QB Mike Marino had possibly his worst day ever under center.

But CH OG Tom Sanders showed big-time power, even over BH all-star DT Hera, and dominating FB Josh Hackenstein proved way too much for BH MLB Troy. Behind his wrecking ball blockers, Chicago HB Randy Steele dove forward for consistent positive gains. Like Rajah Saleem, Steele was the heart of the offense today, carrying the rock 35 times for nearing 200 yards.

Birmingham, however, has a punishing guard of their own, a man by the name of 'Another Troy' A.T. blew the Eagles' aging DTs out of the water, swept around and pancaked CH OLB Ray Brown, and gave BH HB Roman all the room to roam he wanted. Roman piled up the yards, a pair of scores himself, and even caught one to tie the game at 21 a piece at the end of the third.

In the fourth, a Chicago drive got stuffed on an Another Atlantis sack. Birmingham's answering drive made progress, but stalled when CH MLB 'El Capone' streaked past his fellow linebacker Ray Brown, and hauled down Roman just inches from the first down marker.

The Eagles responded with a long, grinding drive, only to fall just short as young BH DT Cyclopes shed the pansyweight CH OG Mark Sheet and stopped the Steele train again.

Not much time for the Olympians. ZR rolls out behind young OT Cronus, who shuts down CH DE The Answer, enabling ZR to hit WR Arnold Shwartzeneggar for a 27-yard gain. A screen to Roman nets another 13 before he steps out of bounds to stop the clock. A quick toss to Hercules and a timeout brings the Olympians within range, but without much time. (and, awww, shucks. They can't just send in a wimpy little man to to boot the ball and win it for them. Poor babies. They'll have to play REAL football and go for the TD.)

FB Hephaestus goes in motion...at the snap Roman streaks out to the opposite flat and Arnold runs an out and up for the endzone. Hercules is on a fly, but Deniable Cook was looking for it. El Capone obliterated Roman at the line, rather than following him into the flat, and everything short was shut down. Rookie DE Driven streaked around OT Atlas, and ZR has to step up to avoid the rush. The pocket's collapsing...he heaves it deep for Schwartzeneggar! Arnold goes up, rookie Safety Shut Down goes up...the coverage is perfect...they both have their hands on it...

...and Schwartzeneggar outmuscles him for the ball! He comes down in the endzone - touchdown! BH wins it, 28-21."

*****
"One must pity Fargo (0-1) welcoming the rolling Isotopes (1-0) of Albuquerque. Not even the cold of Fargo could cool off the sizzling Sizzlack.

Once again, the Albuquerque defense merely played containment while the offense went on a shooting spree. The highlights for Fargo include another solid game from young OG Ray, a good dat for for OT Stud, a solid game from FB Ty Wick, and a great game from HB Glutton for Punishment. Glutton topped 100 yards again, scored a pair, and Ty Wick added a third.

But 21 points proved a drop in the bucket against Albuquerque. While OG Goliath locked horns with Fargo's DT The Defense, the rest of AQ's line demolished Fargo's otherwise weak front 6. FB Drederick Tatum (hmmm...early OROY candidate?) took in one by ground and one by air. Guy InCognito took in two by ground and one by air. OT Ralph Wiggum gave Moe Sizzlack plenty of time to pick his targets and Sizzlack put up his second-straight 4 TD performance.

Once the Isotopes built their lead, a few big plays--including sacks from DE Strong Bad and OLB Kearney and an INT by Troy McClure--made sure Fargo wasn't comin' back. Albuquerque big, 49-21."

*****
"One might expect a big blowout in Cincinnati, too, as the 1-0 Chaps hosted the 0-1 Margaritas. But apparently, the Chaps are still riding a whole lot of confidence and enthusiasm. And apparently, the fact that they had a better record coming into today's game helped, too.

San Antonio took the first possession, settled in behind their solid line, and went...absolutely nowhere. 3 yards per carry. That's all Mutt could manage. Cinci's DT The Poopsmith and DE The Ugly One held fast. With Fluffy Puff and OLB Homsar filling the lanes, Mutt and Metalhead had nowhere to go. On top of it, CN DE Strong Mad looked both -- strong and mad -- as he terrorized SA rookie QB Dip Dipperson, pasting the rook for 3 sacks and several knockdowns.

There are very few weaknesses in the San Antonio offensive unit. There are also very few weaknesses in the Cinci defensive unit. It was nearly a stalemate.

But Cinci's offense got a whole lot of nowhere themselves, facing a Margarita Monster unit ready to do some damage. Though CN OT King O Town did a decent job on SA DE All Pro, the rest of the unit couldn't stop playmakers coming from every direction. No passing for the Chaps as DE Ray O. Light got a sack, and MLB Ray Lewis and DT Sack U each got 2. As for running...I don't think so. Bubs and Pom Pom ran into a brick wall.

The game progressed 0-0 until the fourth quarter. Ever so slowly throughout the third, San Antonio began to win field position. The Chap offense couldn't generate against that defense, and the Margarita offense chipped away slowly. A key pass completion came when wiley veteran WR Revrew out-maneuvered rookie safety It's Dot Com!, and shortly thereafter, HB Mutt was able to follow offensive guard Lone Star in for the score. It was the only score. San Antonio wins a surprisingly close one, 7-0."

*****
"After Milwaukee (1-0) knocked off San Antonio last week, the question is, could they take out LA (1-0) too? It's a brutal start of the schedule for the Muscle Men, but if they could win here, the next 4 weeks should be a cakewalk to 6-0. Then again, that's a big 'if'.

HB Ricky 'The Answer' Williams enjoyed a bit of softening in the LA defense as DT Ed Norton is getting older and the Stars are starting a rookie (Ron Howard) at the other DT spot. Behind a bruising FB Bulldozer, Ricky got some room to run.

But not much. LA MLB Brad Pitt quickly silenced anything that came up the middle, and DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire shut down the outside. Whatever went wrong in last week's Redneck thrashing, the Star Crunch corrected it. Perhaps it was because the Stars implemented several disguised loops, sending DeNiro and McGwire up the middle, past Milwaukee's weaker OGs and hammering MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. Marino took 5 sacks, several beatings, and 2 INTs as his receivers had no luck getting open against the suffocating LA secondarymen, Ray Liotta and Paul Sorvino.

But MW put up a defensive fight of their own. The increasingly frightening OLB Superman lurked in every dark shadow, tossing HB Rodney Dangerfield down and hauling down receivers from behind. The tackling machine garnered 16 drag-downs total on the day.

It was a big day of defense, but three big offensive plays decided the contest. In the second quarter, after a long drive, LA HB Rodney Dangerfield followed OT Freddie Prinze Jr. in for a 6-yard TD run. In the third quarter, Milwaukee's OT No Sacks Allowed sealed off Robert DeNiro, Bulldozer slammed into Brad Pitt, and Ricky Williams eluded LA OLB The Real Gus, scampering up the sideline 19 yards to the endzone. Also in the third, LA QB Bernie Mac found young WR Ashton Kucher on the game's only deep pass, 44 yards in the air for the TD as Kucher outraced safety Brock Marion.

In the fourth, it was back to defense. Brad Pitt forced a fumble on Milwaukee's final drive, Toby McGwire recovered it, and LA ran out the clock. Stars win, 14-7."

*****
"Portland (1-0) walked into Knoxville (0-1) after putting up huge numbers last week. They would need the same to do battle with the Rednecks.

From the early gun it was obvious that both defenses were outclassed in this contest. Knoxville's Deion Jackson and Portland's Master Hu Li are both outstanding young cornerbacks, but in this league, if the cornerback doesn't get help from a big pass rush and he has to play all alone against top flight receivers...Ya think Jackson Jackson and Manfred von Richthofen qualify as top flight?

Blood bath galore.

Portland's hope in this game rested in the hands of their dominating offense and the "Military Middle". Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto fought World War I in the trenches against a pair of tanks - KX OGs Fort Sumter Jackson and Lee Davis Jackson. For the most part it was a wash. The middle of the field got torn up early as some of the best offensive lineman in football and some of the best DTs in football hammered each other. But a bit of sloppy play, especially in the linebacking corps, allowed today's runners to break off some big plays. If it weren't for the occasional turnover, the score of this one might have been 70-77.

Back and forth the battle raged. Leon Jackson sprints for a touchdown. Manfred von Richthofen's toes were in at the back of the endzone. JJ weaves for 7. Flamebeard springs Dirtpounder for 12 yards and a score.

Portland's Paddy O' put up 311 yards and 3 scores.
Thumbless put up 380 yards and 3.
Jackson Jackson had 172 and 1.
Manfred hauled in 123 and 2.
Luke Jackson caught 181 and 2.
Khan Ogadai caught 129 and 1.

You addin' it up?

Deion Jackson pulled down 2 INTs.
Master Hu Li pulled down 1.
Sectoid Commander recovered a fumble.

The difference came down to this:
Leon Jackson: 25 carries for 104 yards, a 4.16 ave, and 2 TDs.

Lothar Dirtpounder: 29 carries for 138 yards, a 4.76 ave, and 3 TDs.

That extra TD did it. Portland took the lead on that TD with 1:43 left to play, and the clock simply wound down on Knoxville. Portland wins, 42-35."

*****
Commish's recap
"Looking at preseason favorites, the Stars have knocked off Milwaukee and Knoxville. They're looking strong, especially if the defense doesn't lapse again into whatever happened in Tennessee.

Albuquerque is still on fire, and there may be a heckuva shootout next week in Portland. AQ is averaging 49 a game, Portland 42. Yowsa.

San Antonio, however, is looking vulnerable. Where's the offense? But don't get discouraged too quickly, Margarita fans. You've faced two very solid defenses, with only two more (Birmingham and LA) to go. After that, all you have to do is stop the oppontents' offenses - San Antonio's specialty -- and the Margarita offense should manage to score enough. The Margaritas are still very capable of going 10-1.

Next week? Big D again as LA visits Birmingham. Big O as Portland faces Albuquerque. And a big game as Knoxville faces Milwaukee. Could the Rednecks fall to 0-3? Yikes, brutal scheduling. On top of that, Cinci is playing at peak form right now, and Little Rock limps in, a prime candidate for the Chaps second ever win. Look for the Margaritas to recover the fire against old nemesis, Chicago, and Fargo needs to get back its season before its too late with a win over El Paso."

The Afoci

11-11-2003, 02:57 PM

I thought I could turn Fargo around faster than I could. It seems like everytime I think something is going good, one of the old players retires or has his skill go way down or one of the up and comers gets injured.

JeeberD

11-11-2003, 03:07 PM

Fargo will never beat El Paso! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope...

illinifan999

11-11-2003, 03:20 PM

Chicago = bad

:p

Coffee Warlord

11-11-2003, 04:58 PM

Run and Shoot lives in the ZFL!

tucker342

11-11-2003, 11:48 PM

Good game illinifan! Your team is much improved this year:)

sachmo71

11-12-2003, 07:56 AM

Our offense still won't turn many heads, but at least we have a better shot at coming out on top in a tie... :)

revrew

11-13-2003, 09:49 AM

Week 3 Results

"Struggling Fargo (0-2) rolled into El Paso (1-1), hoping the former expansion team would prove a fallible opponent.

El Paso's poor defensive line seemed all too willing to comply. Behind the powerful young OG Ray, FG HB Glutton for Punishment poured on the yards. FB Ty Wick kept El Paso's "bash 'backers" at bay, springing Glutton for 150+ and 3 TDs on the day.

But El Paso's secondary wasn't as willing to roll over. Safety Patrick Bates hauled in a pair of INTs as he blanketed the aging FG WR Shane.

Meanwhile, the El Paso offense completely dominated, hogging most of the T.o.P. JeeberD's squad targeted Fargo's aging, declining linebackers with slants, screens, sweeps, and runs off tackle Billy Milner. Fargo's linebackers were worn down early and blown out late.

Ryan Leaf had an outstanding day - his highest ever completion percentage - as his speedy receivers Rae Carruth and Yatil Green hauled in a dozen catches each. FB Plowhorse Rashaan Salaam further beat and bruised Fargo's woeful 'backers, springing HB Ki-Jana Carter to grind it out on the ground.

The carnage was heavy, and the day was long for Fargo, who drop a gutbuster, 42-21."

*****
"The battle between old rivals San Antonio (1-1) and Chicago (0-2) saw the Margaritas gain back some of their old form. All run and a dominating defense makes for a bad day for the opposing squad.

Chicago tried to run the ball behind the wrecking crew, OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein, but the fast and powerful SA defense so terrorized the rest of the Chicago offense, that Randy Steele was bottled up.

DTs Aragorn and Sack U destroyed CH OG Mark Sheet, wrapping up Steele before he could bust through. DE All Pro burned everyone on the corner and dragged CH QB Mike 'Air' Marino down for a pair of sacks, caught Steele before he could hit the hole, and otherwise wreaked mayhem. An INT and 10 tackles for MLB Ray Lewis capped off a spectacular defensive day.

For the San Antonio offense, the M&M train got up and rolling as OGs Lone Star and Pancake demolished Chicago's pair of 35-year-old DTs. Mutt and Metalhead combined for 191 yards and 3 scores.

The Margarita passing game, however, struggled again. Eagle DE The Answer got around the end to garner 2.5 sacks, and opposite DE Driven pulled in 1.5. Rookie safety Shut Down showed why he is a man-to-man glove, blanketing the normally elusive Revrew and bringing in an INT. Young "Ell Capone" had his third straight outstanding day, pulling down 9 tackles and an INT of his own.

But Margarita mayhem on defense sealed the deal, as they pitch their third consecutive shutout in regulation. SA wins, 21-0."

*****
"Hopes ran high for Cincinnati (1-1), who faced a Little Rock team (0-2) still trying to get it's wings off the ground.

The Willies failed to get the wings up again. QB David Slinger faced a brutal pass rush as CN DE Strong Mad continues to impress. Strong Mad was so dominant, that the Willies had to send double teams. This freed DT The Poopsmith, other DE The Ugly One, and both linebackers too much room. Slinger will feel today's game, sacked 5 times and knocked down 13 times. The Willie passing game was held to fewer than 150 yards.

Cinci's passing game, however, tasted its first real measure of success as OT The King of Town kept the hounds at bay and CN rookie QB Mr. Shmallow found new favorite target, WR Homestar Runner for 189 yards and 2 scores.

The running game alos plowed ahead as OGs Stinkoman and young So and So plowed ahead, giving HB Bubs and FB Pom Pom room to eat up yardage.

Little Rock's Rajah Saleem busted a long, 52-yard TD scamper off tackle Keith Slapinski, but other than that was relatively quiet. A key sack by LR DE L.L.JeeberD on fourth down set up a short drive to get Saleem a second TD, but that would be all the scoring Little Rock would get.

When Strong Mad hit Slinger and forced the ball loose in the fourth, OLB Homsar picked it up and ran all the way back to the house, sealing the deal as Cinci picks up their second win in a dominant fashion, 35-14."

*****
"And now for some offense, as the 2-0 Portland Sea Biscuits took on the 2-0 Albuquerque Isotopes. As expected, the defenses were overmatched, even Portland's "Military Middle". It was all about scoring. Let the box score begin:

1st Quarter:
Lothar Dirtpounder follows Erik Flamebeard in for a 4-yard TD pass.

Following a PT DE Trodgdor the Burninator sack, Portland takes over on downs and Lothar follows OG Tim the Troll in for a 2-yard TD run.

AQ gets on the board with a 27-yard TD strike from Sizzlack to Quagmire. PT 14-7.

2nd Quarter:
AQ ties it when HB Guy Incognito follows OT Ralph 'Gig 'em' Wiggum off tackle and scores on a 21-yard run.

Portland takes the lead late when Paddy O' finds Manfred von Richthofen for 7 from 8 yards out. PT 21-14 at the half.

3rd Quarter:
AQ caps off a long drive as Wiggum again plows the way for Incognito to plunge in from less than a yard out.

Portland answers quickly when Manfred 'the manchild, the Red Baron' von Richthofen burns AQ CB Herschel 'Hey Hey' Krustofsky for a 61-yard TD streak.

Portland jumps up by two scores as the powerful guards Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll prove too much for the Isotope's line, and plow a way for Lothar to grab his third TD of the day.

4th Quarter:
AQ pulls within one as The Cheat puts a glorious move on rookie CB Master Hu Li and hauls in a 24-yard pass from Sizzlack.

Portland ups the ante to two late when Khan Ogadai burns Troy McClure (you don't hear that often) for a 19-yard TD.

AQ gets one last score when Quagmire hauls in the deep bomb and runs the rest of the way for a 59-yard TD.

Statistically, Lothar Dirtpounder put on a great show behind his dominating line, averaging 5.6 yards per carry to go with his 3 TDs. MLB Sectoid Commander hauled in a pile of tackles, and Trogdor the Burninator added a pair of sacks.

For Albuquerque...the defense didn't really show up today, but Sizzlack and Wiggum were brilliant.

Portland wins, 42-35."

*****
"We got a chance to see two of the best go head to head as LA (2-0) faced Birmingham (2-0).

Big days today from big-time players. Even though LA's ubertackles, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. did a fantastic job holding down BH DE duo Atlantis and Another Atlantis, the OGs couldn't handle DTs Hera and Cyclopes rushing up the middle. LA QB Bernie Mac had big, bad men in his face all day, and with Odysseus and He's not JeeberD patrolling the secondary, Mac struggled through 3 INTs and 4 sacks.

Birmingham's passing game fared little better as the OTs were no match for LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire. 'Spiderman' hammered Zeus Reloaded for 3 sacks of his own today, and DeNiro added 2 more. BH WR Arnold Scwartzeneggar received a brutal homecoming welcome as LA CB Paul Sorvino and safety star Ray Liotta beat up the muscular receiver like a couple of mafia hitmen.

The MVP of the game, however, was the feisty LA MLB Brad Pitt, who keyed in on BH OG monster Another Troy, waiting for Roman to follow him. Good move. Roman got smothered by Pitt, who added 17 tackles and a forced fumble to his yearly totals.

The game's only score came in the second quarter after a Toby McGwire sack on third down left Birmingham with a fourth and long deep in their own territory. The fourth down pass was batted away by Safety Ray Liotta, and LA was left with great field position. A completed pass to Ashton Kucher put the Stars in striking distance, and HB Rodney Dangerfield followed Freddie Prinze's big behind into the endzone. LA wins the battle of undefeated defensive powers, 7-0."

*****
"Finally, a big game in Knoxville as the oddly 0-2 Rednecks try to pull back in it against the defensively dominant Milwaukee Muscle Men (1-1).

The Milwaukee running game, so dominant last year but sputtering against SA and LA, fired up the engines again today. Knoxville's ancient, sad defensive line, anchored only by the young Josiah Jackson, gave up little resistance as MW HB Ricky Williams streaked through to a big game. Williams had 120 yards by halftime, and they were eating up way too much of the clock. Milwaukee led at the half, 14-7.

But in the second semester, the pass-happy Rednecks discovered a chink in Milwaukee's armor. Against the mighty OG Fort Sumter Jackson and his capable sidekick, OG Lee Davis Jackson, Milwuakee's DTs didn't stand a chance. So Knoxville turned to the run to beat up MW on the inside and force the everywhere-man, MW OLB Superman, to stay in the box. HB Leon Jackson began tearing holes in the middle, and consequently, Knoxville at last found a way to set up the pass.

By the fourth, Knoxville had climbed back into it with the run and play-action pass, the score knotted at 21.

Milwaukee's best chance of scoring in the fourth was thwarted when KX DT Josiah Jackson pressured MW QB Dan Marino Jr. into a bad pass and KX CB Deion Jackson made a spectacular, diving play to haul in the INT in the endzone.

A couple more possessions back and forth, and Knoxville stood knocking on the door with time winding down. Who other than Jackson Jackson to bring this one to a close as he put a drop-your-shorts move on MW CB Patrick Surtain and blew by the rangy youngster for the winning score.

Knoxville wins a close one, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
"We've had a big-time start to the season. Cinci got the easy part of their schedule and made the most of it. SA, LA, KX, PT, and MW have seen some of the stiffest competition they'll see all year. We're already getting a picture of how this year will pan out.

At 3-0, Portland and L.A. have established themselves as the big boys in the league. L.A. has beaten an offensive squad (KX), and a pair of defensive squads (BH and MW). The only question remains, what will happen when they face a well-balanced squad, like Portland?

The Sea Biscuits have thrown their offensive weight around early, but have yet to face a top-notch defense.

Knoxville has salvaged the season, and has gained an upper hand on Milwuakee. The Rednecks, though at 1-2 a bit of a dark horse for the title, are still big-time contenders for second place.

Meanwhile, San Antonio and Albuquerque sit at 2-1, and both teams are ready to jump on the table if PT or LA stumble. AQ's only loss coming to Portland, the Isotopes still look very strong, though one has to be concerned about the fact that San Antonio's Dip Dipperson has yet to throw a TD pass this season.

In week 4, we get a bit of a break from bigtime action, as most of the top squads face lesser teams. Be on the lookout, however, for El Paso to make a showing against Milwaukee and demonstrate where they belong in this league; and Portland finally gets that test when they face the Olympian D.

The other big news looming on the horizon...the trading deadline is fast approaching. San Antonio and Albuquerque have made some deals...will there be one more that sends a squad over the top? The clock is ticking..."

Coffee Warlord

11-13-2003, 09:59 AM

Portland fears no Birmingham defense!

The Afoci

11-13-2003, 10:00 AM

Number 1 pick, here I come baby!

JeeberD

11-13-2003, 10:04 AM

Originally posted by JeeberD
Fargo will never beat El Paso! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I love it when I'm right... :D

A matchup against my mentor is next. Should be an interesting game...

NevStar

11-13-2003, 10:08 AM

Bah, congrats to CW for winning the "good offense, slightly less inadequate defense" award.

digamma

11-13-2003, 11:38 AM

Back on the winning train. Woot. Woot. or is it, W00T?

Coffee Warlord

11-13-2003, 12:44 PM

And Portland notes Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There now has 8 rushing touchdowns...in 3 games. Muah.

sachmo71

11-13-2003, 01:27 PM

Whee!

Marmel

11-13-2003, 02:10 PM

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
And Portland notes Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There now has 8 rushing touchdowns...in 3 games. Muah.

That is only because Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There has not seen Tyler Durden yet.

See you in week 9.

illinifan999

11-13-2003, 03:23 PM

Hahahaha! SA only scored 21 against us! :p

Coffee Warlord

11-13-2003, 03:29 PM

Originally posted by Marmel
That is only because Lothar Dirtpounder of the Here and There has not seen Tyler Durden yet.

See you in week 9.

Tyler Durden is not a beautiful or unique snowflake.

Lothar is.

Lothar shall destroy you. :D

tucker342

11-13-2003, 04:55 PM

Good game Marmel

Marmel

11-13-2003, 05:11 PM

hey, you too tucker. i didnt know if I was going to have enough in that one.

tucker342

11-14-2003, 09:49 PM

bump?

JeeberD

11-15-2003, 12:57 AM

I have a felling that a lot of dynasties are going to be taking a back seat for a week or two... :(

tucker342

11-15-2003, 09:30 AM

good point

Marmel

11-15-2003, 10:46 AM

I don't recall rev ever making any updates to this on weekends. I wouldn't worry about him or this dynasty. :)

revrew

11-15-2003, 06:51 PM

I was wondering how the advent of multiplayer might diminish interest in the ZFL. Wasn't sure if 2k4 spelled the end.

But, my wife said, "Balderdash!" And I'm inclined to believe her.

We'll be back up and running next week, when I have a chance to write up the next week's games. Deadlines and holidays might slow me down a bit (2 or 3 games per week instead of 3 or 4), but the ZFL is still going strong!

Coffee Warlord

11-15-2003, 06:59 PM

Balderdash!

Give me my ZFL!

tucker342

11-15-2003, 07:44 PM

Originally posted by revrew
I was wondering how the advent of multiplayer might diminish interest in the ZFL. Wasn't sure if 2k4 spelled the end.

But, my wife said, "Balderdash!" And I'm inclined to believe her.

We'll be back up and running next week, when I have a chance to write up the next week's games. Deadlines and holidays might slow me down a bit (2 or 3 games per week instead of 3 or 4), but the ZFL is still going strong!

That's fine!:)

JeeberD

11-16-2003, 07:31 PM

Originally posted by revrew
...but the ZFL is still going strong!

Heck yeah!

revrew

11-17-2003, 11:00 AM

Week 4 Results - post trading deadline

"No shortage of blowouts this week, beginning in San Antonio, where the 2-1 Margaritas destroyed the hometown Crawfish (0-3).

Not even Fargo's powerful running game could penetrate the relentless Margarita defense. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U plugged up the middle, while DEs All Pro and Ray O. Light dominated on the outside. Even when FG HB Glutton for Punishment did manage to break through the line, he was quickly met by SA MLB Ray Lewis. Glutton managed a measly 38 yards on 16 carries today.

As for passing, Fargo's young WR Kaptain Insano had a few bright moments, but as All Pro garnered 2.5 sacks and Sack U added another 1.5, Fargo was hard-pressed to do any damage in the air. SA Safety Godzilla Blitz and MLB All Pro also pulled down INTs as Fargo struggled to come back from a big deficit.

That deficit was built as the M&M boys pounded away up the middle, following stud SA OGs Lone Star and Pancake. FB Metalhead racked up 48 yards on 11 carries, and Mutt topped 140 yards on 28 carries. Together, they totalled 3 TDs. In other news, rookie SA QB Dip Dipperson finally broke his drought, hitting WR Revrew on a 29-yard playaction TD pass in the second quarter. Final line, SA 28, Fargo nada.

*****
"Speaking of weapons of mass destruction (okay, we weren't, but how else would you describe Portland's offense?), the heralded Olympian defense (2-1) were blown out of the water by a ferocious Sea Biscuit squad (3-0).

Only it wasn't all the defense's fault. The offense couldn't find a way to stay on the field.

Portland's "Military Middle", led by dominant DTs Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto, shut down the inside lanes. On the outside, BH FB Hephaestus just wasn't fast enough to provide a block for HB Roman before the lightning-fast OLB Zoinks McAllister streaked in. Zoinks had one of his finest days as a pro, putting up 11 tackles and a sack.

But every cylinder was firing in Portland as safety Black Mage did his job well, and rookie CB Master Hu Li blanketed BH WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar like allegations of sexual misconduct. Hu Li pulled in a pair of INTs and looked every bit the part of a future star in the ZFL.

Primed with great field position and dominating the clock, Portland eventually wore down the Olympian D. There was no score in the first quarter, one in the second, one in the third, and two in the fourth, as the Olympians were just on the field too long.

Credit that largely to a dominating day by OG Erik Flamebeard, who handled BH DT all-star Hera with muscle to spare. Behind his powerful line, Lothar scored twice, and QB Paddy O' hit WR Manfred Richthofen for a third. A fourth score came when Captain Bipto blasted BH QB Zeus Reloaded and the ball tumbled loose into the endzone. OLB Zoinks McAllister capped off his picture-perfect day by recovering it for a TD. Portland opens some eyes with a big win, pounding Birmingham 28-0."

******
"Two games and a pair of identical 28-0 scores. The week's third shutout came at the Gym, where the Muscle Men (1-2) gave the El Paso Busters (2-1) a rude welcome.

That welcome came in the form of a defense determined to give up nothin' and give out a whole lot o' hurtin'. The pain began in the first quarter when MW rookie DE Sackmaster slipped past EP OT Tony Mandarich and hammered QB Ryan Leaf. The ball popped loose, and the ever-present OLB Superman sped in to scoop it up.

That led to a HB Ricky Williams TD as MW FB Bulldozer and OT King Kong pushed ahead to make room for 7.

Ryan Leaf struggled under pressure, especially from OLB Superman who frequently left MLB Zach Thomas alone behind the line to blitz. Superman not only grabbed 8 tackles on the day, he also recorded 3 sacks. Superman is having an incredible, MVP-caliber year leading this defense.

In the third quarter, MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. hit WR Nothing but Touchdowns for a TD score, and the Muscle Men took a 14-0 lead.

EP MLB Brian Bosworth did a solid job of keeping the Milwuakee running train in check, and safety Patrick Bates kept the passing game honest. But El Paso's best two players couldn't help the offense, which struggled as Milwaukee hit them every way possible.

As Milwaukee ran down the clock, FB Bulldozer punched in a nail in the coffin as MW wins, 21-0."

*****
"L.A. (3-0) has one weakness - defensive tackle. Ed Norton has proven too old to play well any longer, and Ron Howard is too young to play at top form. If a team with a powerful guard can push the DTs out, and a strong FB can block MLB Brad Pitt...oh golly, guess what Chicago (0-3) has? Just perhaps the best guard in football (OG Tom Sanders), and perhaps the best blocking back (FB Josh Hackenstein). The "wrecking ball" offense proved more than the vaunted Star Crunch could handle.

Randy Steele accounted for 67 of Chicago's 80 yards on their opening touchdown drive. If it weren't for LA safety Ray Liotta coming up to stop Steele, repeatedly, Steele may have gotten all 67 yards on one run. But from the opening, Chicago led, 7-0.

On the answering drive, a fourth down pass to Joe Pesci was swatted away by the tight-covering rookie safety for Chicago, Shut Down.

LA adjusted quickly, and began looping Toby McGwire into the middle to slow down the run, but Chicago was ready for it. FB Josh Hackenstein led the way on a sweep around OT John Tate, and Randy Steele was sprung for 41 yards. Again, it was Ray Liotta that prevented a touchdown. On two drives, Randy Steele had already amassed 100 yards. Not long afterward, Hackenstein hammered in a TD, and it was Chicago 14-0.

Not until the second quarter did LA start to pick up the pace. QB Bernie Mac hit WR Ashton Kucher for a big gain, and the momentum began to swing. HB Rodney Dangerfield plunged in to the endzone off tackle Freddie Prinze, Jr., and the Stars were on the board.

Momentum continued L.A.'s way, as Kucher caught a 27-yard TD pass to tie it at the half.

In the second half, Chicago continued to run it up the middle, wearing down the Star defense. But big players come up big. And LA MLB Brad Pitt is a big-time player. On second and goal, Pitt slammed into FB Josh Hackenstein and punched the ball loose. Rookie DT Ron Howard fell on it, and LA averted falling behind again.

Late in the third, the Stars got their first lead when Dangerfield followed his other tackle, Matthe McConaughey in for 7.

In the fourth, Randy Steele tied it up at 21 with his second TD, behind OG Tom Sanders, giving Steele 209 yards and a pair of scores on the day.

But LA would have the last hurrah, as Rodney Dangerfield added his third touchdown of the day, this time on a swing pass from Bernie Mac, giving LA the final lead and the win. The Stars survive a surprising squeeker, 28-21."

*****
"Knoxville (1-2) vs. Cinci (2-1) . Despite their records, Knoxville is supposed to be the favorite, right? A big blowout, right? Yeah, like Cinci's other team was supposed to get smoked by Kansas City, too.

Knoxville tasted a bloody lip early when Thumbless Jackson bit dirt after a brutal sack by Cinci's up-and-coming DE Strong Mad. A key completion to Jackson Jackson on the next down kept the drive alive, but Cinci sent a message early--this was going to be a dogfight.

Knoxville managed another big play to Jackson Jackson (don't blame CN CB The Blacksmith; JJ is a dominant force) and took an early lead, 7-0.

But Cinci came back with an even mix of passing and rushing, keeping KX guessing, and often guessing wrong. HB Bubs capped off the drive with a 3-yard TD off solid veteran tackle The King of Town.

Another sack by Strong Mad ended Knoxville's next drive, and Cinci took the lead after a Mr. Shmallow pass to Homestar Runner set up another Bubs TD plunge. Shmallow had an excellent day, running a west-coast style, short pass, high completion percentage offense. KX CB Deion Jackson shut down everything deep, even CN star WR Homestar Runner, but that didn't stop CN from dinking and dunking for first downs.

Before the half, KX HB Leon Jackson dove in following his powerful OG Fort Sumter Jackson, and the teams went in tied.

The second half saw more of the same -- CN playing tough defense and methodically working down the field, and Knoxville looking to Fort Sumter and its stars to make big plays.

Unfortunately for Cinci, those big plays came a bit too often. Leon Jackson cut back behind Fort Sumter in the third, dodged Fluffy Puff Marshmallow, and outraced everyone else for a 35-yard TD run.

Jackson Jackson took a 7-yard slant, spun out of a tackle and accelerated 63 yards for another TD (he had 185 and 2 TDs).

Finally, KX CB Deion Jackson intercepted a Mr. Shmallow pass and returned it 28 yards for a TD. That last TD put the nail in the coffin as Knoxville wins a close game with a deceptively wide score, KX 35-21."

*****
"Finally, Albuquerque (2-1) vs. Little Rock (0-3) matched two of the league's most exciting and explosive players, LR HB Rajah Saleem and AQ QB Moe Sizzlack.

Neither defense was up to the task. Rajah was in full force, rushing for 193 yards and 3 scores. Sizzlack tossed for 441 yards and 4 TDs.

Amid the superstar firepower, however, the game was decided by two players: Albuquerque's OT Ralph Wiggum, who kept LR DE stud L.L.Jeeber D off of Sizzlack, and AQ rookie FB Drederick Tatum, who kept tacklers away from HB Guy Incognito. Without Wiggum, Sizzlack could have never lit it up like he did today. Without Tatum, Incognito never would have scored his 3 TDs. And it was those 3 TDs that decided the day, and forced Little Rock to go to the air to try to play catchup. AQ safety Troy McClure grabbed an INT, AQ DE Disco Stu added a pair of sacks, and Little Rock folded.

Albuquerque walks away with a cakewalk, 49-21."
*****
Commish's recap
"Chicago and Cincinnati both showed how much one great draft can help this week. Against LA and Knoxville, you'd have thought them both toast. But both demonstrated that you can't count anyone out in the ZFL.

Except maybe for Fargo and Little Rock. Oh, you have to feel something for these two squads.

One third the way through the season, and we've seen some great performances. Sizzlack is looking like a lock for OPOY, while Milwaukee's OLB Superman has stepped up his game to the level of a megastar. Portland rookie Lothar Dirtpounder has put up impressive stats, but AQ's Drederick Tatum is making a huge impact as well. #1 pick Mr. Shmallow has led his Chaps team to something they've never known before: victory. And he's done it twice. And how about those defensive rookies? Ell Capone in Chicago, Master Hu Li in Portland--impact players from the get go.

Next week, a big defensive battle that will test the Chaps progress as Cinci faces Milwaukee. But many eyes are on the Rednecks vs. the Isotopes. A win for AQ would would be huge, a loss for KX would be killer. But turn it around, and the whole upper crust gets shuffled.

Standings at the top:
LA: 4-0
PT: 4-0
SA: 3-1
AQ: 3-1
and a slough at 2-2."

Coffee Warlord

11-17-2003, 11:27 AM

The following memo has gone out to all Portland players.

"Many of you were not around when Chicago was the king of the ZFL. Many of you were not around when Chicago manhandled Portland season after season. It's our turn now, boys. Kill them."

DolphinFan1

11-17-2003, 01:47 PM

Sorry Jeebs, the mentor is still better.

The Afoci

11-17-2003, 02:19 PM

Ouch! Can I pick the first 3 players in the draft?

tucker342

11-17-2003, 10:47 PM

Damn. Good game Coffee.

MIJB#19

11-19-2003, 08:42 AM

Request from a ZFL follower to the ZFL Commisionair:

Could you include the standings after each weekend in the weekly recaps?

revrew

11-19-2003, 10:11 AM

Week 5 results

"The battle for Texas raged on the defensive front as San Antonio (3-1) took on El Paso (2-2).

El Paso's "bash backers" mixed it up, first blitzing, then dropping back, then covering bump and run to confuse young SA QB Dip Dipperson. It worked. MLB Brian Bosworth took in a sack and an INT (great game for 'Boz, 15 tackles, 1 sack, 1 INT), and safety Patrick Bates pulled down another pass that Bosworth tipped. Dip didn't have his best day.

Buy if Dip had it bad, imagine Ryan Leaf. After Superman beat him up last week, this week he gets the Margarita Monsters, who declared it official "dogpile on the QB" day. Sack U got 2, Ray O. Light got one, MLB Ray Lewis got one, and not even EP OT Billy Milner could slow down SA DE All Pro, who added 2 more. And rushing? Not gonna happen.

Ki-Jana Carter got pasted by a pair of DTs, Aragorn and Sack U, who took away anything in the middle. This, unfortunately, left MLB Ray Lewis free to roam, and the all-star took in 12 tackles, a sack, and a forced fumble. Even the outstanding EP FB Rashaan Salaam got shut out today, as, in fact, did the rest of the team.

San Antonio, meanwhile, took advantage of good field position. El Paso's young DT Dan 'Little Sister' Wilkinson got pancaked by SA OG Pancake and EP DT Danny Noonan was neutralized by EP OG Lone Star, paving the way for SA HB Mutt to pop in a pair of touchdowns untouched. San Antonio, though not necessarily reflected in the score, dominated all around, winning the battle 14-0."

*****
"But even the AlamoBowl described above couldn't compare to the defensive day Milwaukee (2-2) and Cincinnati (2-2) had.

Cinci employed a nearly perfect "bend but don't break" defense, giving MW HB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer 3 yards here and 4 yards there. The Muscle Men running backs moved ahead, but they could never get a clear lane. CN DT The Poopsmith bottled up everything inside, and LBs Homsar and rookie Fluffy Puff Marshmallow cleaned up any scraps, never giving an extra inch. With Milwaukee's outstanding OT No Sacks Allowed engaged in a heated battle just to contain Cinci's DE Strong Mad, the Chaps' DT The Poopsmith was able to collapse the pocket. Young MW QB Dan Marino, Jr. had a hand in his face all afternoon. Perhaps that's why he didn't see CN CB The Blacksmith step in front of a pass, killing an important MW drive with an INT. All Milwaukee could manage today was a single Ricky Williams TD.

Cinci, driving behind OG powerhouses Stinkoman and last year's #1 So and So, managed to power upfield against the Muscle Men's weak interior line. But MLB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman streaked in from every angle, often filling holes and catching CN HB Bubs for a loss. Cinci could not sustain a drive.

Young MW CB playmaker Patrick Surtain killed a drive with an INT as well, and the rugby scrum around midfield continued.

Slowly, quietly, MW OLB Superman's stats began to escalate, as he continues an incredible year. He finished with 17 tackles, 4 of them for a loss, and a sack.

With Milwaukee leading 7-0 at the end, CN QB Mr. Shmallow needed 6 yards on fourth for the first down, but couldn't get the ball off before MW rookie Sackmaster lived up to his name, dragging Shmallow down viciously by the collar. Milwaukee survives a tough Cinci team, 7-0."

*****
"Speaking of tough, struggling Little Rock (0-4) ran into an Olympian squad (2-2), desperately determined not to rack up their third loss in a row. And apparently, the Olympians didn't hear it when Little Rock cried "Uncle!"

Birmingham's brutal defensive front and killer secondary shut down even the speedy Rajah Saleem today, holding him to 90 yards rushing and one TD. That TD came on Saleem's only big play, an off tackle Keith 'Slap' Slapinski in which he slipped the tackle of young BH OLB Aristotle and zipped 49 yards to the endzone.

Other than that, and a late TD set up by a deep pass to LR WR Bruce Spinner, this one was all about Birmingham.

BH OG Another Troy proved a monster in the middle, paving the way for young HB Roman to rack up 100 yards and a score. But QB Zeus Reloaded 'unloaded' on the miserable Little Rock secondary, lighting it up to WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar for 179 yards and a deuce, and to HB Roman for 101 yards and a score.

Meanwhile, BH DT Hera and DE Atlantis both grabbed a pair of sacks, while safety Odysseus grabbed an INT that he ran back to the house in the third quarter.

Birmingham did not let up as they trashed the Slick Willies, 35-14."

*****
"In the LA (4-0) vs. Fargo (0-4) matchup, Fargo used last week's footage to devise a long shot prayer against the defending champs. Behind rookie stug OG ray and FB Ty Wick, Fargo ran HB Glutton for Punishment up the middle, come what may.

What came was a pair of touchdowns against the Star Crunch, and what looked like a good game in the early going. But soon things began to break down as LA DEs Robert DeNiro and Toby McGwire began wreaking havoc on the outside. QB Killer was shut down, sat down, and squashed down with 4 sacks, 8 knockdowns, and an INT. LA veteran CB Paul Sorvino put the glove on promising young FG WR Kaptain Insano, and LA safety Ray Liotta ensured nobody else caught anything, either. Fargo did fairly well on the ground, but got fewer than 200 yards in the air.

Meanwhile, Fargo's DEs were overpowered by the mighty LA OTs, Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr., leaving the Stars free to pass or run. They chose...both.

HB Rodney Dangerfield rushed for 89 yards and a pair of scores, Bernie Mac lit it up for 301 and a pair. WR Joe Pesci had a solid day, catching 163 and a score.

Despite Glutton's productive outing, the day belonged to L.A., 28-14."

*****
"Once again, Chicago (0-4) took the wrecking ball to a confident defense. Once again, Chicago came up short.

Against Portland's (4-0) "Military Middle", unstoppable OG Tom Sanders opened a crack, FB Josh Hackenstein pushed open the door, and HB Randy Steele blasted through it. To be fair to Portland, Chicago also ran several sweeps away from PT's powerful DT duo, utilizing Hackenstein's great blocking skills to spring Steele for some big gains. Steele topped 130 yards, knocked in 3 scores, and might just challenge Rajah Saleem for the dubious honor of being the best back on a miserable team.

For the rest of the Eagles, today was miserable. CH QB Mike Marino was again frustrated by receivers that couldn't gain seperation if they smelled of garlic and were equipped with porcupine's quills. Portland's safety Black Mage and CB Master Hu Li smothered the passing game, forcing Chicago into too many 4-and-outs when the running game couldn't get it done.

Portland, meanwhile, had no problem pouring on the gravy. The powerful Biscuit line toyed with Chicago's senior citizens and diaper dandies (both DTs are 35, both DEs are 22). Rookie HB Lothar Dirtpounder ran for 144 yards and 3 TDs. Manfred von Richthofen had a monster day, catching 16 passes for 231 yards and 3.

Once again, the numbers tell you Chicago rookie safety Shut Down had a good day (PT WR Khan Ogadai was held to under 80 yards receiving and no TDs), and MLB "Ell Capone" piled up 15 tackles. But two men do not stop the Portland offensive machine. PT bowls over the Eagles, 42-21."

*****
"And speaking of offensive machines, get ready for the highest scoring game in ZFL history! Thumbless Jackson and the Knoxville Rednecks (2-2) vs. Moe Sizzlack and the Albuquerque Isotopes (3-1).

A little razzle-dazzle early proved a forboding sign of what was to come. AQ's WRs lined up on the same side, The Cheat covered by KX CB stud Deion Jackson, and the speedy Quagmire covered by KX 'Ain't Got No' Satisfaction Jackson. The Cheat ran a quick go-stop, and Sizzlack hit him just as he turned to look for the ball. Perfectly on target. Just as Deion Jackson closed in for the kill, The Cheat flipped the ball to Quagmire. Satisfaction wasn't ready for it, and Quagmire turned on the jets. 68 yards for the TD.

Knoxville answered right back with a second-and-short bomb to Jackson Jackson. 'Thumbless' has definitely fine-tuned his accuracy, as it hit JJ in stride for 72 yards and a score.

Things settled down a little bit, but it wouldn't last. AQ OT Ralph Wiggum sprung HB Guy Incognito for a 16-yard TD gallop, and the race was on.

Why even mention the defenses? AQ used many slants and screens to keep KX CB Deion Jackson out of the play, and Sizzlack found the inconsistent Quagmire dead on today for 197 yards and 2 TDs.

Albuquerque's D star, DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz was largely neutralized by KX OG Fort Sumter Jackson, and safety Troy McClure had his hands full with KX WR Luke Jackson.

But huge days for AQ WR Quagmire, as mentioned earlier, and KX WR Jackson Jackson, who put up 204 yards (adding to his record # of 200-yard games) and 2 scores.

One rookie played a huge role today as AQ FB Drederick Tatum not only punched holes the size of cement trucks for his halfback, but also carried and caught TDs for the 'Topes.

The game went back and forth, an INT by each squad looked like it would turn the tide; but the tide rolled on. TD, TD, TD, TD.

At the end of the fourth, a KX FB Jarret Jackson TD dive tied the game at 42-42. But there was still time for Sizzlack.

The final drive read like this: Sizzlack to Tatum for 14 (OOB).
Sizzlack to The Cheat for 7.
Timeout.
Sizzlack to Qaugmire for 23.
Sizzlack to Incognito for 3 (OOB).
Sizzlack to The Cheat for 12 (OOB)
Sizzlack to Tatum for a rumbling 18.
Timeout.
Sizzlack to The Cheat for 3 and the TD.

Sizzlack was a perfect 7-7 for 80 and the winning score on that final drive.

AQ wins a shootout, 49-42."

*****
Commish's recap
"Sizzlack for MVP anyone? That makes the 4th time in 5 games that the Isotopes have scored 49 points. At this rate, Knoxville's single season scoring record will fall by the wayside with games still remaining.

But it won't continue. No, it can't. Albuquerque faces LA, BH, and SA in the next three weeks. In that order. We're going to find out just how good these boys are.

Next week, 2 of our 3 winless teams, FG and CH, will be playing each other. Dynamite defenses San Antonio and Birmingham will square off. And last but not least, there's 5-0 LA vs. 4-1 AQ. Let the games begin."

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

LA 5-0
PT 5-0
SA 4-1
AQ 4-1
MW 3-2
BH 3-2
CN 2-3
EP 2-3
KX 2-3
CH 0-5
FG 0-5
LR 0-5

Coffee Warlord

11-19-2003, 10:35 AM

Sea Biscuit fever, baby!

sachmo71

11-19-2003, 11:05 AM

Looks like it might be time to see if that kicker was worth the 2nd round pick...

Coffee Warlord

11-19-2003, 11:19 AM

The mighty duo of Paddy O in the air, and Lothar on the ground.

Paddy O'Leary has thrown 12 TD's.

Lothar Dirtpounder sits at 13 rushing TD's.

We're waiting for you, LA. Pick your poison. By air, or by ground. :D

DolphinFan1

11-19-2003, 01:14 PM

Nice game Shorty. I guess we showed the league what defense is all about.

illinifan999

11-19-2003, 03:19 PM

Top 3 pick! Top 3 pick! Top 3 pick!

tucker342

11-19-2003, 04:03 PM

Good game LR

MIJB#19

11-20-2003, 05:39 AM

Originally posted by revrew

[B]Commish's recap

[blah-blah]

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

[blah-blah]Thanks.
I missed the season start and just didn't have the time to read all the previous game reports.

revrew

11-21-2003, 02:58 PM

Week 6 results

"Milwaukee (3-2) may have a leak in the middle of their D-line, but the rest of the Muscle crew have contained nearly everything this year that tried to squeak through. Could they put a cage around Rajah Saleem and the Little Rock Slick Willies (0-5)?

Most of Rajah'success this year has been following OT stud Keith 'Slap' Slapinski for big gains. But trying to go outside with MW OLB Superman patrolling one side and DE Rocky on the other? Not even the great and wonderful Rajah can do that.

In fact, Saleem got some room up the middle, but failed to break even one big play on the day. MW OLB Superman played perfect containment on his side, shadowing Slapinski and waiting for Saleem like a tiger in the tall grass. Superman held Saleem to 21 yards on his side, accumulating 14 tackles. For the first time in I don't know how long, Saleem was kept out of the endzone today.

Only a second quarter TD plunge by rookie FB Johnny 'Kid' Rock cracked the scoreboard for Little Rock.

Milawaukee, however, struggled badly in the passing game, thanks to some decent D on Little Rock's part. LR DT Henry Blitzen recaptured some of the spark of his rookie year, slicing into the backfield to garner 2.5 sacks (unfortunately, he was a sucker for the draw play, which too often allowed MW HB Ricky Williams to slip by for a big gain). LR Rookie OLB Little Ray also pulled in 1.5 sacks with well-timed blitzes. And while MW OT No Sacks Allowed contained LR DE L.L.JeeberD's ability to get to the QB, LLJD did manage to stuff the run going his way.

Unfortunately for Little Rock, the run up the middle was working well, and MW rookie OG Run behind me played the best game of his career. MW FB Bulldozer managed a TD and HB Ricky Williams managed two. Milwuakee wins this one, 21-7."

*****
"The struggles continue for defenseless Knoxville (2-3) as they battled to the end against El Paso (2-3) in a close one.

El Paso's team of deceptive linebackers were stretched too thin in this one as Knoxville's powerful guards Lee Davis and Fort Sumter Jackson ripped huge holes for HB Leon Jackson, and WR Jackson Jackson ran circles around EP rookie CB Tommy Knight. The 'bash backers' couldn't handle the stream of offense coming from every which direction.

But if El Paso's defense looked clueless, Knoxville's looked clueless-er (it's a play on 'Dumb and Dumber', give me a break, eh?), particularly as EP FB Rashaan Salaam pounded the Rednecks mercilessly. Knoxville's woeful front 6 were pulverized by Salaam, a FB who topped 100 yards today and stole the highlight reel with 3 rushing touchdowns. EP HB Ki-Jana Carter hardly had anything to do...perhaps that's why he snuck out to the flat for a TD pass in the fourth quarter.

The teams raced back and forth down the field, 80-yard drives resulting in TDs and driving the score up. In fact, Knoxville is allowing so many scores, they're well en route to setting another scoring record, but this time in points against!

EP QB Ryan Leaf had an outstanding day (save for an INT to KX CB Deion Jackson), completing many short passes, including the TD to Carter and another to Yatil Green. The constant stream of first downs further wore down the battered Redneck defense, and by the fourth quarter, El Paso was moving the ball at will. Down by a TD, El Paso drove 65 yards for a tying TD, and then, following a key pass defense by MLB Brian Bosworth on KX's fourth down, El Paso drove 48 yards for the win. Who else would catch the winning TD pass? EP FB Rashaan Salaam. 124 yards rushing, 67 receiving, and 4 TDs total for Salaam in and upset victory, El Paso wins, 42-35."

*****
"And speaking of upsets, might Cincinnati (2-3) get the best of an overconfident Portland team (5-0)?

No. Nope, not even close. Not gonna happen. This game was all about Portland, whose Military Middle, DTs Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto, and MLB Sectoid Commander obliterated the CN running game. The Chap passing attack got stuffed as rookie CB Master Hu Li played like a veteran again, and safety Black Mage picked off a pair.

Cinci's solid defensive squad tried hard, but the young leaders of that unit (26, 21, 22, 24) were no match for the tested veterans on Portland's offensive line. Just for the record, star OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro stuffed young CN DE Strong Mad, PT OG Erik Flamebeard pounded CN DT The Poopsmith, and well, the list goes on. CN OLB Homsar, the 35-year-old quality veteran seemed the only one to keep his spirits up, accumulating 16 tackles as his teammates crumpled under the push of the Portland line.

Portland's scoring attack was spread out, a TD run by Lothar Dirtpounder, a TD by WR Manfred von Richthofen, a TD by WR Khan Ogadai, and a TD fumble rumble by DT Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III.

Portland ran out the scrubs for most of the fourth, but by then Cinci didn't have the heart to go on. PT wins, 28-0."

*****
"3 big clashes left, beginning with a defensive clash between two defensive Titans, San Antonio (4-1) and Birmingham (3-2).

For the Olympians, no form of offense was going to work today. QB Zeus Reloaded was terrorized by SA DE All Pro and SA DT Sack U, and HB Roman was decimated by SA MLB Ray Lewis. Even though OG Antother Troy proved himself more dominant than SA D-line leader Aragorn, it mattered little, as the rest of the Margarita defense stepped in to fill the gap. Birmingham's offense sputtered and gave out under the relentless pressure.

But San Antonio had a difficult time with the Olympians as well. Young OTs Alys Liston TwoRev and Two Ton Anchor couldn't put the brakes on BH DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis, giving up 4 sacks to the BH duo.

The only space San Antonio found was a bit of running room with OG Lone Star beating up on BH rookie DT Cyclopes. SA HB Mutt did manage a single touchdown, but his average today was held down to an uncharictaristic 2.3 yards per carry.

San Antonio hoped for a late insurance run when QB Dip Dipperson had WR Revrew open deep, but he underthrew the ball a bit and BH safety Odysseus closed in for the INT. San Antonio would have to settle for 7.

But against the Margarita Monsters, the Olympians couldn't even manage that much. San Antonio wins the expected low-score affair, 7-0."

*****
"There was nothing low-scoring about LA (5-0) vs. Albuquerque (4-1), however. Try as they might, the Star Crunch stumbled out of the gate, and they needed the offense to pick it up to beat Sizzlack, Wiggum, Tatum, and the rest of the Isotopes.

Albuquerque's game plan was executed brilliantly. Neither WR The Cheat nor Quagmire were up to the task of beating LA secondarymen Ray Liotta and Paul Sorvino, but Sizzlack has a pair of runningback weapons for the first time in his career, and he knows how to use them. OG Goliath made just enough room for rookie FB Drederick Tatum to crash up the middle, gaining a consistent 4 yards before being brought down by LA MLB Brad Pitt. That consistent 4 kept Pitt occupied, however, and allowed HB Guy Incognito to scoot out to the flat. LA OLB The Real Gus was no match for the shifty Incognito, who played in the flat all day. Incognito caught 17 passes. Yes, 17. For 139 yards. And 2 TDs. Meanwhile, Tatum knocked in a pair up the middle, and the Star Crunch was reeling.

The Star offense pounded back, however, running HB Rodney Dangerfield (sounding like a broken record yet?) off twin towers of power, OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. If L.A. ever got a decent offensive guard, Dangerfield could probably lead the league in rushing! But they don't have one yet...

LA QB Bernie Mac figured he could get some good matchups against the AQ secondary, but AQ DT Nelson 'The Hammer' Muntz stepped it up, slamming through the line to flatten Mac for 3 sacks and several knockdowns. Mac did manage to get off a TD pass to WR Ashton Kucher, but by the end of the game, Mac had lost quite a bit of zip off the fastball, reeling perhaps from injuries sustained in The Hammer's onslaught.

As the fourth quarter loomed, LA's weariness with AQ's constant dink-and-dunking, inside-outside game was obvious. The Isotopes never gave it up, and soon it was all over for the Stars. Albuquerque wins a HUGE game, taking it by the score of 35-21."

*****
"And while our next game might not be so HUGE, it probably feels like it for the team who could finally come out of this one with a win. Ailing Fargo (0-5) visited pathetic Chicago (0-5) in a battle of the last-place losers.

Why they're losing became obvious immediately in this keystone cop debacle. Here a missed tackle, there a missed tackle, everywhere a missed tackle, and soon both CH HB Randy Steele and FG HB Glutton for Punishment were pushing 200 yards with 3 TDs each.

For the first time, CH rookie MLB 'Ell Capone' looked like a rookie, tripping over former Eagle, FG FB Ty Wick. Over and over Glutton for Punishment ran right by as Capone grabbed nothin' but air.

To be fair, Fargo's defense looked little better as they stared up at CH HB Randy Steele after getting pancaked by mighty OG Tom Sanders and FB Josh Hackenstein.

Passing? Omigosh, it was the offenses that looked bad. Fargo's QB Killer was waaaay off today, tossing ducks out of bounds like they needed to fly south for the winter. CH QB Mike Marino's sad wide receivers were easily handled by FB CB F.Swaggs and Safety Boy.

At the end of 4, it was all the halfbacks, game tied 21-21. Bring on the kickers!

Here it looked like Fargo's young European Xsquared had the advantage over Chicago's Little Foot. The Jurassic Classic has a fairly poor record over his career, after all.

But in a food fight, who's to guess who has the better game? That's right, food fight. Each player was given a stocked refrigerator/freezer from which to arm themselves, and the gladiators were given seperate 5-yard circles in which they had to stand. The circles overlapped slightly, so they could face off, but there had to be a certain amount of culinary artillery involved to win the match. Scoring was done by a panel of 3 - Emeril LeGasse, George Foreman, and William 'Refrigerator' Perry.

In the first round, XSquared got some success with using frozen hamburger patties as flying discs and wielding a frozen pizza as a shield. (Little Foot's sausage-link whip was well-conceived, but poorly executed).

In the second, Squared increased his lead in the scoring by stabbing LF with a carrot, though Foot struck back with an onion to the eyes.

The third round proved decisive, however, as XSquared, still fogged a bit by the onion in the eyes, watched Little Foot toss banana peels all over the ground around him. He dodged them well enough until Little Foot cannonballed a gallon of milk at his feet, causing the banana peels to float around. XSquared slipped while attempting to heave a brick of cheese, fell down, and smacked his head on a frozen ham. The ref counted ten, and Little Foot wins by knock-out.
Chicago gets the win, 24-21."

*****
Commish's recap
"Watch out below! The champs slip from first to third as Albuquerque makes a daring challenge for the title. Keep in mind however, that the only team AQ is looking up at is Portland, a team that beat them. At this point, Portland needs to lose 2 to slip behind AQ. Of course, if Portland, AQ, and LA all end up at 10-1, LA will likely take it. Unless SA hangs on for 10-1. It's getting bunched up at the top now! Will we have our first ever 3 (or 4?)-way tie for first? Nah...

Who'd have thought Knoxville would slip this far? 2-4? And with San Antonio up next week, the Rednecks are in trouble.

Cinci/Chicago next week. Can Cinci get a third? Could you believe it? Or has Chicago finally turned this season around?

Can Albuquerque continue to put up gigantic offensive numbers? Or will Birmingham's tough D finally bring Sizzlack to a screeching halt?

Stay tuned closely, especially to that Knoxville game. The Margaritas don't have the offense to keep up with the Rednecks. But will they need to? Or will the defense shut down the mighty Thumbless?

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

PT 6-0
SA 5-1
LA 5-1
AQ 5-1
MW 4-2
BH 3-3
EP 3-3
KX 2-4
CN 2-4
CH 1-5
FG 0-6
LR 0-6

digamma

11-21-2003, 03:04 PM

Trouble, schmubble. We're still scoring points, baby!!!

JAG

11-21-2003, 03:08 PM

OLB Superman is playing like a deity this year.

Coffee Warlord

11-21-2003, 03:13 PM

The last few games of this season should be REALLY interesting.

And you're not overconfident if you can back it up, rev. :) Portland's come close and blown it, utterly sucked, and is now due for a nice bit of arrogance!

JeeberD

11-21-2003, 03:18 PM

Nice win for the Busters, but I only see us getting one or two more this season. .500 is gonna be difficult to reach...

tucker342

11-21-2003, 07:34 PM

Another close loss....:(

Good game sachmo:)

sachmo71

11-21-2003, 09:32 PM

Originally posted by tucker342
Another close loss....:(

Good game sachmo:)

Yes, I'm just glad I didn't have to roll out my kicker! I was sure I would have to...

Hey rev! Do I have the worst record for games lost by a kicker?

DolphinFan1

11-21-2003, 11:44 PM

I wonder if I should see what I can get for OLB Superman. Now that his stock is high. Mabye two 1st round picks and a player.

Nah? Nobody would bite on that would they? Hmm.........

tucker342

11-22-2003, 02:51 AM

I would maybe do it... if I had any draft picks next year.... I think I only have one left:(

Coffee Warlord

11-24-2003, 10:21 AM

Bumpin' time!

revrew

11-25-2003, 02:18 PM

Week 7 results
"Some big thunder this week, especially in Portland, where the steamrolling Portland Sea Biscuits (6-0) claimed another victim. You get the feeling El Paso (3-3) wasn't ready for this game.

Portland's Military Middle, DT Colonel McCormick and Captain Bipto blew up the interior line, and completely neutralized the normally powerful downhill runner, EP FB Rashaan Salaam.

As for passing, PT CB rookie Master Hu Li put the glove on EP WR Rae Carruth, and young PT safety Black Mage stuffed Yatil Green. EP QB Ryan Leaf stayed away from the pick today, but the secondary held him to fewer than 33% completion.

In great field position because of the defense's prowess, Portland took it to the Busters behind their dominating offensive line. OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro, had a particularly good day, knocking down KRB's like bowling pins.

Steadily, slowly, the score went through the roof as Portland mopped the floor with the Busters. Tally up the scores for Lothar Dirtpounder and Manfred von Richthofen, as Portland wins 35-0."

*****
"The results were nearly the same at The Gym, where the Milwaukee Muscle Men (4-2) dispensed Fargo (0-6) with ease.

Again, it was a dominating defense and good field position that earned the winners their spoils. Fargo's Glutton for Punishment found room behind impressive rookie OG Ray, but only on the inside. The rest of the Fargo O-line was obliterated by MW DEs Sackmaster and Rocky, with the occasional help from a speeding bullet named Superman. This left MW MLB Zach 'Clog the Middle' Thomas free to do what he does best - key up on the runningback and stuff the ground game. Thomas grabbed double digit tackles on FG HB Glutton for Punishment alone.

In the pasing game, FG QB Killer was terrorized by Rocky on the edge, Superman on the other edge, and the playmaker, Patrick Surtain prowling in the secondary. Surtain added a pair of INTs to his yearly total, and Rocky got a pair of sacks.

With the defense holding Fargo to their own end of the field, the Muscle Man offense was content to run down the clock and up the score. Ricky 'The Answer' Williams notched up 3 TDs behind brilliant blocking from FB Bulldozer and a solid game from OT No Sacks Allowed. MW takes the game, and tallies this week's second shutout, by the score of 21-0."

*****
"The score was much tighter, however, when Chicago (1-5) saught their second win against Cincinnati (2-5), a team looking for their third win in franchise history.

For Chicago's 'Wrecking Ball' Offense, Cinci's defense provided a soft enough cushion for forward progress. CN rookie MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow was no match for the powerful CH FB Josh Hackenstein, who leveled Fluff all afternoon. The result was an up-the-gut running lane for Randy Steele, who piled up tons of yards and 3 TDs.

But Cinci's other rookie, safety It's Dot Com!, played up to potential today, joining the always reliable CN CB The Blacksmith in blanketing the Eagle receivers. CN DEs The Ugly One and impressive performer Strong Mad further shut down the passing game by collapsing the pocket and pocketing a pair of sacks.

The Cinci offense, however, provided the day's big surprise. They concocted a strategy Chicago wasn't ready for. CN OGs Stinkoman and So and So blew a hole in the middle, and FB Pom Pom keyed in on blocking CH MLB Ell Capone. In fact, Pom Pom keyed in on Capone, blocking him on every single play, run or pass. Sometimes, Pom Pom missed, but Capone was hassled, frazzled, and largely taken out of the game. This allowed Cinci to open up the offense against the otherwise poor Chicago defense.

CN rookie QB Mr. Shmallow had an excellent day, lighting it up to WR Homestar Runner, who caught 134 yds and a TD. With OT The King of Town protecting him, Shmallow kept his jersey clean and guided an effective and efficient CN offense. HB Bubs also benefited from that big hole in the middle, and put up 94 yards and a pair.

The gamewinning score came after a pass to WR Homestar Runner, which set up 1st and goal. FB Pom Pom, after opening the lanes all day, got to share in the glory with a 2-yd TD plunge, and Cinci wins it 28-21."

*****
"There's no doubt teams have been exploiting (5-1) L.A.'s weakness at DT this year. But so far, only Albuquerque has been able to turn that weakness into a win. Could Rajah Saleem and Little Rock (0-6) be next?

Perhaps they could have been, but LA chose an interesting strategy. They conceded the run up the middle, and decided to shut everything else down. The results, Saleem tops 150 yards and 3 touchdowns. LA MLB Brad Pitt garners 18 tackles. But as for the rest of Little Rock's game? Nothin.

LA CB Paul Sorvino and Safety Ray Liotta smothered the Slick Willie receivers, and Liotta pulled down a pick. LA DE Toby McGwire battle hard with LR OT Keith 'Slap' Slapinksi, but this freed DE Robert DeNiro up on the other side. DeNiro grabbed a couple of sacks, while holding containment on the right corner. Saleem got his glory, but the rest of the team got squat.

The same cannot be said of the Stars. With Little Rock's solid DE's to stop the outside run and OLB Little Ray ready to gobble up LA's usual off-tackle running, the Stars turned to a quick air strike in order to take advantage of the weak LR secondary. And take advantage they did. QB Bernie Mac put up over 300 yards, WR Joe Pesci came down with 100+ and 2 TDs, and the Stars were busy setting up the run with the pass. Once LR dropped back to stop the bleeding, LA HB Rodney Dangerfield popped in a few good runs, two for scores, and LA walks away the winner, 35-21."

*****
"The big showdown between the (5-1) Albuquerque offense and the (3-3) Birmingham defense is sure to open some eyes around the league.

Firstly, Birmingham has a tough passing defense. Moe Sizzlack looked fallible for the first time this year, throwing 3 INTs, 2 to BH safety Odysseus and one to CB He's Not Jeeber D.

Secondly, Albuquerque's OT Ralph Wiggum is something else. Though Sizzlack got pressure from Atlantis on the other side, BH DE Another Atlantis was largely neutralized. That doesn't happen often.

Thirdly, either BH MLB Troy is a significantly weak link in the BH armor, or AQ rookie FB Drederick Tatum is even better than advertised. Tatum demolished Troy, allowing AQ HB Guy Incognito to run wild in this one. Incognito has really stepped up his game this year, and a lot of credit has to go to Tatum.

In the end, BH HB Roman drove the Olympian offense, especially as OG Another Troy hammered the AQ interior D-line. Roman put up 120 yards and 2 TDs. BH QB Zeus Reloaded added another to WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar.

But that would not be enough, as BH was too focused on Sizzlack to stop the run. Incognito and Tatum put up a trio of touchdowns, and Sizzlack did manage a pair himself, giving AQ the win, 35-21. Can anyone stop this Albuquerque offense??"

*****
"Finally, a big game between Knoxville (a shocking 2-4) and San Antonio (5-1).

Against a weak Knoxville front, San Antonio saddled up the offensive line and rode to the endzone. OGs Lone Star and Pancake made headlines again, pounding open the middle for M&M backs Mutt and Metalhead. The Margaritas put up big yards and 3 scores in the middle.

Knosville also pounded the midddle, with mountain-of-a-man, OG Fort Sumter Jackson. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U, however, made little room for the Rednecks to run. Only the elusiveness and downhill running of KX HB Leon Jackson provided positive yards.

But today's game would not be decided in the trenches. No, it would be decided in the open air. A tale of two cornerbacks, and their respective matchups.

For Knoxville, CB Deion Jackson put the hammer down with some ferocious bump-n-run coverage on SA WR Primetime. With tremendous catchup speed, Deion managed to handle Prime by himself. He even hauled in an INT as he streaked back to haul in an underthrown pass.

For San Antonio, however, CB Deflector was hopelessly outmatched by KX WR Jackson Jackson. KX QB Thumbless had to get rid of the ball quick with SA DE All Pro in hot pursuit (2 sacks and 5 knockdowns for All Pro today), but JJ kept Deflector guessing with stop and gos, button hooks, fades, etc. Thumbless really impressed under pressure, tossing perfectly timed routes of every variety. JJ took in 13 catches for 220 yards and 3 scores in one of his most impressive games ever (and that's saying alot!). Though KX could only manage one ground score, those 3 in the air managed to put the Rednecks over the top. KX wins, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
Several players stepped it up with career days today: Tatum, Pom Pom, Deion and JJ, Bernie Mac, etc. Their presence was needed, as a heated season gets hotter.

Down the stretch, Portland is looking mighty good, as the other contenders knock themselves off. Their victory over Albuquerque in week 3 looks gigantic now, as AQ has clearly set themselves up as the team in the challenger slot.

Winning over Knoxville and LA, AQ's fate rests on next week's game. A win over San Antonio, and the number 2 spot should be theirs.

But can they move up to number 1? Portland would have to lose twice. (It's complicated, but AQ needs a pair of PT losses. LA, however, could theoretically pull into the winner's circle with a victory over Portland in week 9).

Could Portland lose twice? They've got Milwaukee, LA, and San Antonio left to go. You gotta know, it could happen.

Next week, look for that Portland/Milwaukee matchup, and keep your eyes on a very important SA/AQ blockbuster.

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

PT 7-0
AQ 6-1
LA 6-1
MW 5-2
SA 5-2
BH 3-4
CN 3-4
EP 3-4
KX 3-4
CH 1-6
FG 0-7
LR 0-7

sachmo71

11-25-2003, 02:51 PM

Didn't see that coming...but that's always the one the jumps out and grabs you, isn't it? Congrats to Knoxville.

JeeberD

11-25-2003, 03:01 PM

I saw my loss coming.... :(

illinifan999

11-25-2003, 03:25 PM

Oh how the mighty have fallen, and broken their hips. ;) Chicago's a freakin retirement community. :p

tucker342

11-25-2003, 03:53 PM

Damn!

Good game Albuquerque:)

revrew

11-26-2003, 03:54 PM

Week 8 results

"Incredible, incredible week. 4 of our games decided by a single touchdown. Mighty offenses felt some D, upstarts flexed some muscle, and the championship picture gets suddenly clear. Let's get ready to rock."

*****
"Beginning in Knoxville, where the (3-4) Rednecks took on the (0-7) Slick Willies.

For Little Rock, a good day was had by a few. Beginning with Rajah Saleem, who quickly dismissed the inept Knoxville defense and streaked for 200+ and 3 scores, special thanks to OT Keith 'Slap' Slapinski, who kept the left corner free and clear of defenders.

Also for Little Rock, DT Henry Blitzen played a fine game, wrestling with KX OG Fort Sumter Jackson and managing to slow down HB Leon Jackson.

Unfortunately for Little Rock, Thumbless Jackson's success last week proved key to Knoxville's success this week. Thumbless, making better use of the quick, West-coast style 3-step drop and timing patterns, widened his arsenal to include WR Luke Jackson as well. Though Thumbless struggled against the pass rush earlier this year, and though LR DE L.L.JeeberD was willing and capable to hurt him again, Thumbless got rid of the ball quickly and precisely. The result against Little Rock's woeful secondary was devastating. Thumbless through for 4 touchdowns in what became a rout, Knoxville, 42-21."

*****
"The only other game to be decided by more than a touchdown was a show of two other inept defensive efforts. El Paso (3-4) took on Chicago (1-6) in another game where no one stopped the run.

Chicago's 'wrecking ball' offense put FB Josh Hackenstein on the block of EP MLB Brian Bosworth, and freed Randy Steele to pile up the numbers again. If it weren't for fantastic play by EP safety Patrick Bates (8 tackles, 2 INTs, forced fumble), the Busters would have been in big trouble.

But with Bates winning the turnover battle all by himself, El Paso took advantage of a demoralized Eagle offense and a decrepid Eagle defense. Employing a similar 'wrecking ball' style, EP FB Rashaan Salaam pasted, pancaked, and plastered CH MLB Ell Capone, making room for EP HB Ki-Jana Carter to have a career day. Carter piled up 119 yards and 3 scores. EP QB Ryan Leaf also had a solid day, hitting WR Rae Carruth for 128 yards and a pair. El Paso takes this one, 35-21."

*****
"Now for the heated battles. But who would have thought Cincinnati (3-4) could put such a scare into the defending champs (6-1 LA)?

Cinci's powerful OGs, Stinkoman and So and So blew up the LA interior line, forcing MLB Brad Pitt to cover both FB Pom Pom and HB Bubs. The Chaps muscled up the middle to sustain several drives, but unfortunately for Cinci, Brad Pitt was more or less up for the challenge. Despite the success on the ground, Cinci could only manage one score on the ground.

LA's running game, however, normally impressive on the edges, ran into some heavy hitters. CN DE Strong Mad sealed off one corner, and DE The Ugly One put some heat on the other. With OLB Homsar patrolling, and DT The Poopsmith eating up the entire middle, LA HB Rodney Dangerfield had nowhere to go.

LA would have to rely on the passing game to get it going. But CN DT The Poopsmith collapsed the pocket from the interior, and LA QB Bernie Mac struggled. By the end of the day, he had thrown only 1 TD, and matched it with 1 INT.

In the fourth quarter, the score was still knotted at 7-7; Cinci's offense eating up clock and their defense holding the fort. An impressive game for the rapidly improving Chap D.

But when LA veteran WR Joe Pesci busted a move on CN rookie safety It's Dot Com!, the resulting 38-yard gain put LA in position for the go-ahead score. HB Rodney Dangerfield finally found the endzone behind OT Freddie Prinze, Jr., and LA went up for good. The Stars win a squeeker, 14-7."

*****
*****
"If you didn't expect Cinci to step it up, would you expect (0-7) Fargo? Facing one of the ZFL's toughest defenses, the Birmingham Olympians (3-4), Fargo's Glutton for Punishment dished out more than he took.

Rookie OG Ray took on Birmingham's mighty DT Hera and played like a season vet. Though he couldn't overpower Hera, he used positioning and quick feet to spring a hole for FG FB Ty Wick. Wick and OG Eric worked over young BH OG Cyclopes, and Glutton found room to run. Relentlessly, Fargo hammered the middle. Glutton carried the ball 36 times, amassing 100+ yards and a pair of scores.

But no passing for Fargo today. Not that they tried much. Against Birmingham, what's the point?

14 points might not seem like much, but Fargo's defense put up a battle today, and Birmingham would have to work it to keep up.

FG DT The Defense collided with BH OG Another Troy in an epic battle we may see again in Anchorage. FG DE Chesty looked particularly good as he harassed BH QB Zeus Reloaded to to the tune of 2.5 sacks and several hurries.

But Fargo's linebackers, Still Alive? (Barely; he's 38) and Chris, didn't match the fervor of the rest of the D. When BH HB Roman did manage to burst through, he picked up big yards. One rush took Roman 55 yards to the endzone.

After a TD pass to young WR Hercules, another Roman TD, this time behind OT Cronus, gave Birmingham that last score they needed. BH wins, 21-14."
*****
Portland (7-0) vs. Milwaukee (5-2). A great matchup against a pair of teams that have been close rivals for several seasons. This year's matchup would be no exception.

Portland came in rolling over everyone behind a dominating offensive line.

Milwuakee would not be so easily outmuscled.

The Muscle Men focused their defensive firepower on the middle, sending MLB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman on nearly constant run blitzes. If Portland didn't run the ball, the linebackers just came right on a 'comin.

The ferocious, gambling tenacity and lightning speed of the Milwaukee backers caught Portland by surprise. Rookie HB Lothar Dirtpounder was pounded into the dirt, and the normally patient Paddy O' had no time for it. Superman's 4 sacks today made sure of that.

When MW HB Ricky Williams followed FB Bulldozer off tackle No Sacks Allowed for a 5-yard TD run in the third, it became immediately apparent that we had a game on our hands. The TD tied it, 7-7. Somehow, Portland hadn't managed to put up the points.

The fourth quarter was a dogfight. The Portland offensive line went on the offensive, blasting into the weakened MW d-line. MW LB's Zach Thomas and Superman continued to strip, trip, and blitz, trying to get the game into overtime for their kicker, Bruce Handily.

But like last week, a big player would come up with a big play to keep this game away from the kickers. On second and 8, Paddy O' dropped back to pass.

Superman and Zach Thomas came streaking in...

Lothar Dirtpounder picks up the blitzing Thomas...

But Superman leaps over the FB and is still in pursuit...

Paddy O' scrambles around OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro...

What's this? A reverse? PT WR Manfred von Richthofen leaves bump-n-run coverage to come back to Paddy O!...

But Paddy doesn't give him the ball! What the...?

OH! That's gotta hurt! Manfred von Richthofen blasts Superman in a killer block, and the two go flying, flailing, into the ground. I'm not sure who's going to feel that one more tomorrow...

Paddy O' has a second...

He heaves it to WR Khan Ogadai on the post pattern...

He's got it! He's got a step...the 20...the 10...the 5...touchdown!

Portland goes up 14-7! What a play! Manfred 'the man child' takes one for the team.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was all she wrote. Neither team managed to do much more. Portland wins, 14-7."
*****
"And you thought the San Antonio (5-2) vs. Albuquerque (6-1) matchup was going to be big. How about that Portland game?

Well, this one was big, too.

Albuquerque is a bit weak up the middle and at linebacker, so it was no surprise to see SA OGs Lone Star and Pancake pave the way for the M&M boys. 3 scores on the ground for the Margaritas.

But SA rookie QB Dip Dipperson has been having a miserable rookie campaign, and against AQ safety Troy McClure and the pass-covering OLB Kearney, it was no surprise to see that 21 was all San Antonio could muster.

Now. Could the Margarita defense, pitchers of 6 regulation shutouts in 7 weeks of play, stop Sizzlack, Wiggum, Tatum, and the 'Topes?

Well, they could try. Up the middle, Albuquerque was toothless. SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U stuffed the run. MLB Ray Lewis kept any short zone passing off the field. Nothing for AQ there.

On the left edge, DE All Pro stopped all running all by himself, but didn't manage his usual pass rush, not with OT Ralph Wiggum to contend with.

On the right edge...oh, on the right edge. SA OLB Quick n' Mean could not handle the tandem of sweeping OG Goliath and hard-hitting FB Drederick Tatum. Nor could he keep up with AQ HB Guy Incognito on the screen. Incognito might possibly be the best 3rd down back the ZFL has ever seen.

With that weakness on the right side, the secondary was forced to help out, and this meant SA CB Deflector, after getting used and abused by JJ last week, would have to handle AQ WR The Cheat all by himself.

Not a good situation for San Antonio. The Cheat hauled in 8 catches for 112 yards and 2 TDs. Incognito, mostly on that deadly screen, pulled in 8 catches for 83 yards and a TD.

The game would come down to an important 4th and goal in the 4th quarter. AQ had the ball on the 3 after another The Cheat catch put them in position.

The play call was a FB trap left, a bit of a finesse play. From a pro set, HB Incognito was called to come in and block DE All Pro, freeing OT Ralph Wiggum to loop inside and add extra punch to the inside running lane for FB Drederick Tatum. Put your muscle (Wiggum and Tatum) where the money is, so to speak.

All Pro read finesse play correctly, but was caught thinking Incognito screen (understandably). His hesitancy to charge the backfield because of the need to stop Incognito gave Guy what he needed to put down the block. With All Pro taken out, Wiggum plowed the way in the middle for Tatum to punch it in. Albuquerque wins! 28-21."
*****
Commish's recap
"Now we know who the big boys are. The championship boils down to three: Portland, LA, and Albuquerque.

Can anybody stop Sizzlack, Wiggum, Tatum, The Cheat, and Incognito? No. Nobody. Only Portland managed to outscore them back in week 3. Now that very Portland team is on the verge of winning the title.

Assuming Portland can take Fargo in week 11 (I'm thinkin' that's pretty safe), all but those three teams--PT, LA, and AQ--are effectively eliminated from title contention.

As for next week, the biggest game of the year looms large. Again, assuming Portland can beat Fargo, we may decide a champ next week. Though CH/MW may be an interesting matchup, and BH/CN should be a close one, there's only one game we'll be watching: Portland vs. LA.

If Portland wins, the title will be theirs (for all practical purposes). If LA wins, the Stars and the 'Topes can hop back in it. Portland showed some mortality against Milwaukee, and LA has a better offense than the Muscle Men. Can the Star Crunch resurrect a defensive effort reminiscent of last season? If they can, we'll have a whole new race in Week 10. If not, only San Antonio (and Fargo) stands between Portland and an undefeated season.

(For those watching, second through fifth place, however, is way up in the air. LA faces SA in week 11, as do AQ and MW. If PT wins out, the next 4 in the standings will have some big-time duking out to do to determine bragging rights and draft order. And speaking of draft order...LR/FG in week 10, and LR/CH in week 11. The number 1 draft pick is up in the air even more than the number 1 finish!)

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

PT 8-0
AQ 7-1
LA 7-1
MW 5-3
SA 5-3
BH 4-4
EP 4-4
KX 4-4
CN 3-5
CH 1-7
FG 0-8
LR 0-8

Happy Thanksgiving! We'll see you on the other side.

Coffee Warlord

11-26-2003, 04:06 PM

Wow. Kudos to Milwaukee for our toughest match so far.

LA. You're going down, down, down. DOWN!

Marmel

11-26-2003, 06:23 PM

Tyler Durden says "make soap" to clean the blood off your asses after we abuse you next week.

Have a nice day. :)

Coffee Warlord

11-26-2003, 06:26 PM

Don't be getting any ideas about our asses, now. We know you're like that in California, but we in Portland know there's a very wide gap between slapping assess, and making them bleed. :)

DolphinFan1

11-26-2003, 08:29 PM

Great Defensive Game Coffee.

I guess we showed the league some more defense. Defenses rule.

tucker342

11-30-2003, 12:03 AM

Wow, great game Fargo!

digamma

11-30-2003, 11:44 AM

Back on the right track. Go Necks.

korme

11-30-2003, 11:53 AM

Lucky Marmel. Lucky.

NevStar

11-30-2003, 12:29 PM

Go LA!

Coffee Warlord

11-30-2003, 01:27 PM

Oh what is this, no loving for the Sea Biscuits? Go Portland! Die LA!

JeeberD

12-01-2003, 12:02 AM

I'm outta here for a couple of weeks. Good luck to those teams duking it out for the top position, hopefully I'll be up there with you in a couple of seasons.

See y'all at draft time...

Go Busters!!!

revrew

12-01-2003, 07:36 PM

Week 9 results
"Blowouts galore this week, so let's do some quick recaps.

Beginning in Albuquerque, where the 7-1 Isotopes smoked the 4-4 El Paso Busters.

The Busters got some offensive push, especially in the running game, where Albuquerque had no answer for the powerful EP FB Rashaan Salaam (87 yards, 3 TDs).

But the Albuquerque offense was just too powerful. Sizzlack put up 3 scores to add to 3 on the ground. Only El Paso's MLB Brian Bosworth had an impressive game for the Buster D, as he battled with AQ rookie Drederick Tatum and showed why both players are destined for great things in this league.

AQ wins easier than the score reflects, 42-28."

*****
Knoxville (4-4) opened the offensive floodgates wide versus toothless Fargo (0-8).

Fargo's offense showed some spark against Knoxville, especially Glutton for Punishment, who broke off some big gains to the tune of 141 yards and 2 scores.

But again, it was the opponents' offense that killed a decent day for the losing squad in this one. Knoxville's multi-pronged attack came from every direction. HB Leon Jackson topped 100, as did WRs Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson. QB 'Thumbless' Jackson dominated with a brilliant performance, tossing 4 TDs on the way to a 49-21 victory."

*****
"An eye-opening squashing in San Antonio as the Margaritas (5-3) did something ZFL teams only dream about, obliterating (0-8) Little Rock's Rajah Saleem.

Rajah was held to fewer than 50 yards total rushing as the offensive middle was no match for SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U. With the middle bottled up, and DE All-Pro giving LR OT star Keith Slapinski all he could handle, SA MLB Ray Lewis was left free to spy on Saleem. Lewis pulled in 17 tackles, most of them on Rajah. On a side note, SA DE All Pro's sack count may be a bit down this year, but his run containment has been brilliant. He's definitely emerging as one of the game's all-time greats.

For San Antonio, the much criticized rookie QB Dip Dipperson managed to have a fair day, and tossed a TD pass to aging WR Revrew.

San Antonio garners another shutout, another victory, 28-0."

*****
"Another shutout in Birmingham, as the (4-4) Olympians took on the (3-4) Cincinnati Chaps. But it might not be the shutout you were thinking of.

The Cincinnati defense stepped it up huge against the Olympians, especially CB The Blacksmith, who blanketed BH WR Arnold Schwartzennegar. BH's passing game was completely frutstrated, as CN DE Strong Mad burned young BH OT Cronus for 3.5 sacks, and The Blacksmith gave Cinci great field position with an INT run back to the 6-yard line.

Furthermore, DROY candidate Fluffy Puff Marshmallow played an excellent ballgame, shedding the block and stuffing BH HB Roman on several key downs, and recovering an important fumble.

Though the Olympian defense played tough as well, Cinci had better field position and won the turnover battle. CN OGs Stinkoman and So and So gave HB Bubs just enough room on big-time goalline plunges, and Cinci wins an upset, 14-0."

*****
"Speaking of upset, there appeared to be one brewing on Lake Michigan as the Chicago Eagles (1-7) gave Milwaukee (5-3) a heckuva game.

The 'Wrecking Ball' Offense hit Milwaukee right in their weakness (DT), preventing MW OLB Superman from making the tackle until Randy Steele was already 4 or 5 yards downfield.

The game raged back and forth as Randy Steele piled up the yards and scores, but Milwuakee answered with Ricky Williams and Bulldozer sweeping off the corners to big gains of their own.

One of those big gains, a 19-yard TD scamper by Ricky Williams, proved the gamewinner as Milwaukee walks away with a close shave, winning 28-21."

*****
"And now, for the big game. Portland (8-0) vs. LA (7-1). A win here for the Sea Biscuits will virtually guarantee them the title. A win for LA, and the Stars and 'Topes will be clamoring for the crown.

Viewing other game films, Portland knew they would have an edge in the middle, with OGs Erik Flamebeard and Tim the Troll bowling over the LA DTs. Early on, Lothar Dirtpounder rolled behind his gargantuan guards. Portland 7-0.

But LA MLB Brad Pitt began wearing down PT FB Boris Boriche, and soon Pitt was plugging up the running lanes on the inside.

For the LA offense, the name of the game was 'off tackle'. Against Portland's 'Military Middle', LA needed OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. to lead the way. Game tied, 7-7.

Paddy O tried a couple of deep balls to speedster Khan Ogadai, but LA safety Ray Liotta held perfect coverage. After LA DE Toby McGwire recorded a sack, Portland switched to a shorter passing attack.

LA's passing attack, meanwhile, got hit hard as PT DTs Colonel Joseph and Captain Bipto collapsed the pocket and shut down the passing lanes. A pair of PT DT sacks sent the Stars looking for firepower elsewhere.

On a Portland 3rd and 8, Paddy O hit WR Manfred von Richthofen in front of LA CB Paul Sorvino. The move Manfred put down on Sorvino will be played in highlights for generations. While Sorvino attempted to pull his backside from the turf, Manfred outraced everyone for a 42-yard TD streak. PT 14-7.

Remarkably, this game saw zero turnovers as both teams played solidly. LA gave up the ball on downs with only a few minutes left. If they could hold Portland, they'd have one more chance to bring it to a tie.

Hold Portland...not with 'Manchild' Richthofen running loose. Another short-yardage situation, a killer move on LA OLB The Real Gus, and Manfred was loose. He was pulled down from behind by safety Ray Liotta, but not before he put the Sea Biscuits in range. Lothar Dirtpounder followed Erik Flamebeard (get used to hearing that!) in for one more score, a TD that put it out of reach. Portland wins, 21-7."

****
Commish's recap
"Congratulations, Portland! Though the title isn't yours yet, you have overcome the biggest obstacles, and one more victory will assure the crown!

Two more victories, and Portland racks up an undefeated season. Next week, however, the clash of the Titans as Portland takes on the Margaritas. Don't think San Antonio is going to roll over! Some thought the Margaritas would win it all this year, and a win over Portland would prove the Margaritas worthy, even if their record disqualifies them.

PT/SA isn't the only act in town, however, as something very important is yet to be decided. Who will get the #1 pick? 0-9 Little Rock vs. 0-9 Fargo next week!

Going down the homestretch, it appears MW OLB Superman is the clear favorite to win DPOY. It would be hard to argue with Sizzlack for OPOY or even MVP. But how about this rookie class? Lothar Dirtpounder...or Drederick Tatum? Master Hu Li...or Fluffy Puff Marshmallow? Or even 'Ell Capone'? And the way he's come up just huge this year, anybody givin' props to Manfred von Richthofen? Is Albuquerque's WR The Cheat the game's most underrated player? If not, how about AQ's HB Guy Incognito? I see some tough battles for the end of season awards. Could Rajah Saleem lose his grip on first team? You gotta admit, Randy Steele is looking awfully good...

Fun times ahead as Portland can seal the title with a win over San Antonio next week, and Fargo could seal the #1 pick with a loss to Little Rock. Stay tuned...

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

PT 9-0
AQ 8-1
LA 7-2
MW 6-3
SA 6-3
KX 5-4
CN 4-5
BH 4-5
EP 4-5
CH 1-8
FG 0-9
LR 0-9

Coffee Warlord

12-01-2003, 08:48 PM

Whooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooo!

NevStar

12-01-2003, 09:48 PM

Go San Antonio! :D

Coffee Warlord

12-01-2003, 10:26 PM

And still no love for Portland. What are we, the Raiders? :)

tucker342

12-01-2003, 10:52 PM

Congrats Shorty. Looks like you've done a great job so far making Cinci in to a solid team....

korme

12-02-2003, 02:38 PM

Thankya sir

illinifan999

12-04-2003, 06:34 PM

Blump...i mean bump

revrew

12-05-2003, 09:02 AM

Week 10 results

"Los Angeles (7-2) MLB Brad Pitt returned to MVP form in a great game against the El Paso Busters (4-5).

Buster FB Rashaan Salaam, who has bowled over and eluded so many this year, met his match in the 'Pitt-bull', as Brad amassed 16 tackles and forced a fumble.

EP safety Patrick Bates also had a fine game, grabbing an INT and holding LA WR Joe Pesci to only 3 catches.

But the smothering LA Defense, led by Pitt and a smothering secondary, ruled the day. DE Toby McGwire added a couple of sacks, and the Star Crunch shutout their opponents.

Meanwhile, the LA offense ran off tackle to the tune of a pair of TDs, and WR Ashton Kucher added another. LA, 21-0."

*****
"Knoxville (5-4) vs. Chicago (1-8) went pretty much as expected, Chicago's 'wrecking ball' running game plastering the Rednecks, while the Rednecks ran up the score.

Kudos to CH OG Tom Sanders, who knocked over Redneck D-Line anchor Josiah Jackson, opening up the lanes for HB Randy Steele, who followed Josh Hacksenstein's killer blocks for 172 yards and 3 scores.

But even though CH MLB 'Ell Capone' scrambled for 13 tackles and a sack, he couldn't even slow down the Redneck multi-pronged attack. The Rednecks passing game forced Capone back deep, and then Fort Sumter plowed the way for Leon to run shallow. JJ caught 11 balls for 143 yards and a pair. Leon Jackson ran for 103 and a pair. Too many weapons, too many scores, as the Rednecks run it up to 42-14."

****
"The Albuquerque (8-1) vs. Cinci (4-5) was almost identical. Cinci HB Bubs followed OGs Stinkoman and So and So, while FB Pom Pom took it to AQ MLB Lenny. The occasional off tackle OT The King of Town, and Bubs racked up 128 yards rushing and 3 TDs.

But not even the Cinci much-improved defense could but the brakes on Albuquerque. CN DE Strong Mad has led this squad, but against AQ OT Ralph Wiggum, Strong Mad was taken out of the game.

AQ FB Drederick Tatum collided with CN MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow, giving AQ HB Guy Incognito just the room he needed.

But the real star of the game was AQ QB Moe Sizzlack. CN CB The Blacksmith was blanketing favorite target The Cheat, and with CN DEs Strong Mad and The Ugly One giving pressure, Sizzlack didn't have much time to go deep to Quagmire. But Sizzlack used picture-perfect precision and thread-the-needle accuracy to hit his wide receivers and backs perfectly in stride, where only the receiver could catch it. An outstanding display of accuracy, and a great day of up-front blocking gives the Isotopes the win in a hard fought battle that nonetheless demonstrated Albuquerque's superiority. AQ, 35-21."
*****
"In the battle of the winless, Little Rock (0-9) and Fargo (0-9) provided one of the week's best games.

Both teams rely on their running game to right the ship, as passing and defense are suspect. The result was some fine running, and a back-and-forth battle that came down to the end.

Fargo's DT The Defense put up a wall in the middle, so LR HB Rajah Saleem had to resort to some outside running. OT Keith Slapinski paved the way, but Saleem couldn't have managed his 199 yards without rookie FB Johnny 'Kid' Rock getting ahead on the sweep. Rock showed some good jets getting to the outside ahead of Saleem, and the Rajah benefited to the total of triple TDs.

But even as the Slick Willies marched down the field, FG HB Glutton for Punishment pounded up the middle. With LR DEs Mark and L.L.JeeberD containing on the outside, Glutton turned up the middle behind FB Ty Wick and the impressive rookie OG, Ray. By midway through the fourth, Glutton had 111 yards and a pair of scores.

With Little Rock leading, Fargo QB Killer scrambled wide, just eluded the grasp of LR DE L.L.JeeberD, and noticed young WR Kaptain Insano floating across the back of the endzone. A deep heave tied it up, and the game had all the makings of a nail-biter.

As well as Johnny 'Kid' Rock played today, he would eventually become the goat. FG DT The Defense layed him out with a 'somebody's got to feel this' kind of tackle, and the ball jarred loose. In great field position, FG FB Ty Wick knocked in the winning TD, and Fargo gets its first win, 28-21."
*****
"The Defensive Clash of the Titans as DPOY candidate Superman's Milwaukee Muscle Men (6-3) took on the Olympians from Birmingham (4-5).

Birmingham hit Milwaukee hard in the middle, running HB Roman behind all-star OG Another Troy. The Muscle Men gave a little, but flexed hard as MLB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman prevented Roman from getting much more than minimal gains. BH QB Zeus Reloaded hit WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar now and then, but a defended pass by MW CB Patrick Surtain, a sack by MW DE Rocky, or any of a variety of other well-timed big plays from the Milwuakee D prevented Birmingham from ever sustaining a scoring drive.

For Milwuakee, QB Dan Marino Jr. was completely shut down. BH DE duo Atlantis and Another Atlantis added to the mayhem with a sack each, while DT Hera added 3 of his own. The Olympian secondary held fast, and Milwaukee barely managed 100 yards in the air.

On the ground, Milwuakee's only real success came on the sweep, as OT No Sacks Allowed held the corner and FB Bulldozer pulled out to lead. MW HB Ricky Williams scored the game's only offensive touchdown on one of those sweeps, a scamper he took for 23 yards. Still, Williams didn't manage to break the century mark.

But Williams TD wasn't the game winner. No, it only tied the contest. For BH safety Odysseus had grabbed a wobbly Dan Marino Jr pass (perhaps BH DE Another Atlantis plastering him from the blindside had something to do with it), and weaved 43 yards for a defensive score. When MW HB Ricky Williams tied it, it stayed that way till the gun. Bring on the Kickers!

Birmingham's Uranus drew a tough match against Milwaukee's king of kickers, Bruce 'I'll kick your butt' Handily. Uranus is a strong fellow, but not as purely athletic as Handily. A three-event event would determine the winner. 2 minutes of pushups, 2 minutes of sit ups, and 2 minutes of chin ups. The most reps in the 6 minutes wins. On your mark...get set...go!

Handily outpushupped by 4, out sat up by 5, and outchinupped by 9. No contest. A great game, but a blowout in overtime. Milwaukee wins, 10-7."

******
"Big Game Time! Portland (9-0) vs. San Antonio (6-3). Don't let the Margarita's record fool you, this San Antonio team came ready to defend their home turf. Hey Portland, don't mess with Texas.

Everyone knows the strength of San Antonio's offense is running up the middle. But against Portland's 'Military Middle', the Margaritas got nowhere. Giving up bad field position, failing to put up any points, if San Antonio would have a prayer in this one, it would come from the defense.

Consider the prayer answered. Portland tried hammering the rock down San Antonio's throat. Flamebeard and the Troll paving the way for Dirtpounder.

Not gonna happen. The quick SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U found a way to disrupt the backfield, get an angle, or just plain slow things down. That was enough for SA MLB Ray Lewis, who played like a god today. Lewis completely stuffed the middle run, including two bruising tackles on 4th down goalline stands.

Portland should have had an advantage in the air with Manfred von Richthofen and Khan Ogadai, but San Antonio brought the house to bear on Portland. Not even PT OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro could stop SA DE All Pro, who kept Paddy O' uncharacteristically sweating and dirt-stained. Paddy O may have hit the dirt more often in this game than he has all year. Unexpected blitzes, from SA safety Godzilla Blitz and MLB Ray Lewis got to Paddy, and the pressure razzled him. Paddy O did not have a good game. He gave up INTs to Ray Lewis, Godzilla Blitz, and DT Aragorn (on a deflection). Young Lothar Dirtpounder and FB Boris Boriche proved completely inept at picking up the blitzes, and the potent PT passing attack was shut down.

Somehow...some amazing way...the San Antonio 'Remember the Alamo' defense kept the Sea Biscuits out of the endzone. If this was the NFL, Portland would have won for field goals, 30-0. But since this is the ZFL, it's only TDs, baby. And PT got just as many as San Antonio. Zero.

At the gun, the score was tied, 0-0. Bring on the kickers!

San Antonio's Steve McLaughlin would get his first test in a Margarita uniform, a test against PT kicker Bob Sunesson. And from the starting gun, McLaughlin's advantage became apparent.

The event? A bold, audacious, daring, death-defying...and definitely illegal jetski race along San Antonio's RiverWalk. McLaughlin and Sunesson started in the same place, but running opposite directions. The first one to pass two checkpoints, then cross a finishline equidistant from the starting point would be declared the winner.

After checkpoint 1, McLaughlin had the lead.

After checkpoint 2, McLaughlin extended that lead, though there was quite a buzz about some nuns he scared the bejeebers out of along the way.

At the finishline, Sunesson recorded a finish....

...but where was McLaughlin?? He didn't cross his finish line!

He didn't cross...because the police caught him. He was apprehended forcibly only a few hundred yards from his finish line. McLaughlin off to jail, and Portland wins, 3-0."

*****
Commish's recap
"Congratulations, Portland! With this win, you officially have claimed the title. Even a loss next week, and the title is still yours.

And congratulations, Albuquerque. Regardless of next week's outcome, 2nd place is yours.

3rd and down, however....

And how about the race for first pick?? Fargo and Chicago are at at 1-9. Little Rock is 0-10. And Little Rock plays Chicago next week. So here's the breakdown...Fargo will likely lose to Portland. That makes Fargo 1-10.

If Chicago wins, Little Rock is 0-11, thus guaranteeing the first pick.

But if Little Rock wins...that makes LR, FG, and CH 1-10. Thus, it would come down to ordering by fewest points allowed. With these three miserable defenses, who the heck is that? Stay tuned...

(And for those of you worried about Steve McLaughlin. McLaughlin is out on bail right now, and can compete next week if necessary. Once the media frenzy dies down in San Antonio, McLaughlin will very quietly be pardoned by the mayor of San Antonio. The mayor is a big ZFL fan, and he was in on it the whole time. But we can't tell anyone. The ZFL will pay a big fine--no big deal--and everyone will be happy. Especially the city of San Antonio. The riverwalk jetski race has been a huge media frenzy attention-getter.)

Next week: CN plays EP in the heated battle of the expansion clubs. (Might Cinci actually be favored in this one? Vegas thinks so, by 3 1/2). MW plays AQ in a killer battle of O vs. D. Speaking of which, KX plays BH in a similar test. A matchup many have been waiting for, SA/LA also highlights the week. Even though the title is decided, could the matchups possibly get any better?? Who's number 3? LA needs a win, MW does too. And the battle for 4-5-6? KX, SA, and MW all need wins, and then they need others to lose. Wowsa. And finally, the first overall pick gets decided in the toilet bowl, Little Rock vs. Chicago! Great action, coming your way.

Standings (order of teams with same record may not necessarily reflect standings according to defensive points):

PT 10-0
AQ 9-1
LA 8-2
MW 7-3
KX 6-4
SA 6-4
CN 4-6
BH 4-6
EP 4-6
CH 1-9
FG 1-9
LR 0-10

revrew

12-05-2003, 09:13 AM

oops, I goofed on the Chicago score. Knoxville 42, Chicago 21.

JAG

12-05-2003, 09:14 AM

Congrats Portland!

Coffee Warlord

12-05-2003, 09:23 AM

Boooyah!

Bob seals the championship!

NevStar

12-05-2003, 11:14 AM

Go, Fargo!??

I mean... Congrats to Portland. We'll all need to get used to saying that.

Coffee Warlord

12-05-2003, 11:17 AM

Damn haters. :)

sachmo71

12-05-2003, 11:26 AM

Better kicker, same result. :(

revrew

12-05-2003, 12:30 PM

Sorry, sachmo. You were the favorite in that one. The Rook cards screwed you, what can I say?

By the way...next week's games...not only are the matchups awesome, you aren't going to BELIEVE the games! I just simmed it up...we're looking at 3 ties, a few upsets, a few surprises, and a pair of records set. Wow. I'm looking forward to writing this one up!

sachmo71

12-05-2003, 01:35 PM

So go ahead and write!!! :D

No worries, Rev. While I definately upgraded my team, so of the other teams upgraded more. Our time will come...

digamma

12-05-2003, 03:13 PM

On the records front, how do the Isotopes and Rednecks compare in points scored this season vs. the season record?

tucker342

12-06-2003, 02:41 AM

congrats portland!:)

Good game Milwaukee.:)

tucker342

12-06-2003, 02:42 AM

dola-

It seems like I've had a lot of close losses this year.....

I guess that's what happens when you have a good defence and a bad offense

revrew

12-06-2003, 12:04 PM

Originally posted by digamma
On the records front, how do the Isotopes and Rednecks compare in points scored this season vs. the season record?

That's a great question, but I don't have a file keeping all the various records. It's possible the 'Topes have eclipsed the old Redneck record, but the only way to know would be to go back through the old threads and add em up.

For a while, I thought Coffee's website would keep rolling and kind of supply that kind of supplementary information. But at the same time, running a league, or even supplementing a league, like this takes a lot of time and commitment.

To be perfectly honest, I talk a bit about records every now and then for fun and to add a measure of "reality", but I only have a vague memory of what actually is a record.

The Afoci

12-06-2003, 12:10 PM

With the number 2 pick in the draft, fargo selects a bust.

Too early?

Coffee Warlord

12-06-2003, 12:20 PM

Originally posted by revrew
For a while, I thought Coffee's website would keep rolling and kind of supply that kind of supplementary information. But at the same time, running a league, or even supplementing a league, like this takes a lot of time and commitment.

Yeah, sorry about 'dat. I just don't/didn't have time to keep it updated on a prompt basis, and add the extra functionality I wanted to put into it.

DolphinFan1

12-06-2003, 05:46 PM

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Yeah, sorry about 'dat. I just don't/didn't have time to keep it updated on a prompt basis, and add the extra functionality I wanted to put into it.

Coffee, I understand completely. The Website I have going for the now on Hiatus FOFC Wrestlling takes a lot of time.

illinifan999

12-06-2003, 05:50 PM

Congrats Portland!

(If only you knew how hard it was to say that) ;)

We've still got the best offensive lineman in the game. :p

Coffee Warlord

12-06-2003, 05:52 PM

Originally posted by illinifan999
Congrats Portland!

(If only you knew how hard it was to say that) ;)

We've still got the best offensive lineman in the game. :p

Erik disagrees. :)

illinifan999

12-06-2003, 06:21 PM

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Erik disagrees. :)

Erik can disagree all he wants, Tom Sanders is still all-univese. :)

Coffee Warlord

12-06-2003, 07:26 PM

Erik however, is all <b>universe.</b> :D

NevStar

12-08-2003, 02:12 PM

Originally posted by Coffee Warlord
Erik however, is all <b>universe.</b> :D

Ralph Wiggum has issued a press release to address the pathetic losers that think are better than him.

My cat's breath smells like cat food. I bent my Wookie. Thank You.

revrew

12-08-2003, 04:51 PM

FINAL WEEK results!

"Let's get ready to rumble in a rowdy finish to an amazing year of ZFL football!

Let's begin in Cincinnati, where the upstart Chaps (4-6) match up against fellow expansion club, the El Paso Busters (4-6). The clubs have identical records, but not an identical history. Cincinnati found it's first win this season, and nothing could be sweeter than capping off a great campaign with a win over a team they've never beaten, the Busters.

Cincinnati's defense has been a big catalyst this season, and it would be a huge catalyst in this game. DE Strong Mad, making a bid for this year's sack title, upped the stakes with a huge game. Beginning on the first drive, on 3rd and 9, Strong Mad beat EP OT Billy Milner for an 8-yard sack of QB Ryan Leaf. Strong Mad switched back and forth from RE to LE and back, coming from every direction and gobbling up 3.5 sacks. Fellow DE The Ugly One grabbed 1.5 sacks of his own, and with CB The Blacksmith playing EP WR Rae Carruth tight, the Buster passing game fizzled to a dud.

And as for the Buster running game, the superior CN D-line beat up the El Paso hogs, leaving vet OLB Homsar and rookie stand-out Fluffy Puff Marshmallow free to key in on the Buster Backs. El Paso's offense was rendered toothless in this affair.

The Chap's D gave their offense great field position, and the O capitalized on it. #1 pick QB Mr. Shmallow zeroed in on favorite target WR Homestar Runner, who outdueled EP CB Tommy Knight all day. Runner racked up 12 catches and a TD. With the passing game giving EP fits, CN blasted up the middle behind OGs Stinkoman and So and So. The occasional off-tackle OT The King of Town proved to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Cinci just came at El Paso from too many directions. In reality, the Chaps crushed El Paso today, by the dominating score of 28-0."

*****
"This week's only other blowout set some ZFL records as this year's champion Portlad Sea Biscuits (10-0) trounced the Fargo Fighting Crawfish (1-9).

The strength of Fargo's game lies in running up the gut. But against Portland's 'Military Middle'? Fargo got nowhere. Not even rookie bright spot WR Kaptain Insano could crack the Biscuit D, as fellow rookie, CB Master Hu Li shut him down.

Giving that Portland O-line and WR tandem good field position is like throwing blood into shark-infested waters. The floodgates opened up, and Portland came down in a feeding frenzy. HB Lothar Dirtpounder pounded out 87 yards and 2 scores. FB Boris Boriche added 22 and a tuddy. WR Khan Ogadai added 94 yards and a score, but the Man-Child, WR Manfred von Richthofen sealed up a 1st Team All-Pro spot with another HUGE day. Richthofen gets a hattrick of endzone dances, and Portland rolls to the most lopsided victory in ZFL history, 49-0."

*****
"That's it for lopsided, however, as our remaining 4 games were decided by an average of 4 points. Perhaps this week's episode should be called "Terminator 3: The Rise of the Defenses"

The first defense to give it a go would face the toughest competition as Milwaukee (7-3) took on the seemingly unstoppable Sizzlack and the Albuquerque Isotopes (9-1).

Milwaukee's strategy in this one proved a brilliant, valiant effort. The AQ WRs were covered man to man, the lineman squared up to do battle in the trenches, MLB Zach Thomas shadowed AQ FB Drederick Tatum, and OLB Superman went wherever AQ HB Guy Incognito went.

Incognito up the middle? Superman was there. Off Ralph Wiggum? Superman was there? On the screen (Incognito is the Isotopes second leading receiver)? Superman was there.

Apparently, Milwaukee realized how much of a security blanket Incognito is for Sizzlack, and Moe was seriously hampered by the strategy. While Superman racked up 15 tackles on Incognito, Sizzlack had to turn elsewhere.

To favorite WR target The Cheat? MW CB Patrick Surtain had him covered. Deep to WR Quagmire? Okay, that netted one touchdown. To Tatum? Not really, but Drederick did manage to punch in one (yet MW MLB Zach Thomas will deny to his grave that Tatum broke the plane).

The Isotopes were clearly slowed down by the MW defense. Making it worse, the MW offense opted to run down the clock...and run...and run...and run. With MW FB Bulldozer leading the way, HB Ricky Williams ran off tackle No Sacks allowed 12 times, off tackle King Kong 11 times, behind Guard Run behind me 8 times, and behind guard Odysseus 6 times. Bulldozer carried the ball 14 times himself, giving MW 51 carries in the contest. The result was a domination of the time of possession and 21 points. Sizzlack managed to tie the score in the fourth quarter with a shovel pass that caught MW slightly off guard, and at the gun, a tie. Bring on the Kickers!

AQ Capital City Goofball pulled some big upsets last year. Could he pull off one against Bruce Handily? Hardly.

Each kicker was hooked to a safety harness (to break any fall of a story or more) and given 10 minutes to grab as many flags off the side of a skyscraper as possible. The kickers crawled out of window on the 13th floor, and using only window ledges and the sculptures on the building, sprang from ledge to ledge, grabbing flags that were stuck on the building at various places. Goofball managed to fall 6 times, but only grabbed 2 flags. Bruce 'call me Spidey' Handily fell once, but successfully grabbed 5 flags.

Milwaukee takes the upset, 24-21."

*****
"If Milwaukee's D could put the brakes on Albuquerque, could Birmingham (4-6) do the same to Knoxville (6-4)?

One of the ZFL's most exciting, nail-biting, back and forth games began as the Olympian D stepped it up to make a ballgame.

The Rednecks are used to running up the middle on anyone they want. OG Fort Sumter Jackson has had a HOF year, and even BH's mighty DT Hera would have trouble holding the line today. But with DT Cyclopes by his side, the Olypian DTs made very little running room for KX HB Leon Jackson. And on the ends? Knoxville's OTs were no match for BH DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis. The 'Double A' sack machine harrassed Thumbless, too. Thumbless was sacked 6 times, several of which were clearly coverage sacks, as BH safey Odysseus destroyed KX WR Luke Jackson, and BH CB He's not JeeberD played a solid game.

But certain stars are not held down forever. Leon Jackson managed to squeek through and run right past the BH LBs for a 14-yard TD in the first.

But the Olympians matched it with a QB Zeus Reloaded TD pass to rookie WR Hercules before the quarter ended.

In the second, KX WR Jackson Jackson finally broke free of He's not JeeberD for a 23-yard TD. But BH answered as HB Roman followed OG Another Troy to paydirt. 14-14 at the half.

In the third, Jackson Jackson struck again. But so did Another Troy, paving the way for Roman to grab another.

In the fourth, Leon Jackson leapt over the pile to give KX their fourth lead of the game. And BH QB 'ZR' tossed it to Roman to preserve the fourth tie of the game. The gun sounded, the score was tied at the end of each and every quarter...Bring on the Kickers!

Birmingham's Uranus looked the slight underdog against Knoxville's Eli Manning in this fun-filled match of 'bombs away'. Each kicker was given 5 jumps from the top of a 30-foot platform into a pool of water. In the water were several floating rings of different point values, so each kicker could pick their ring and jump for it. But Uranus looked mighty nervous up there; sweating bullets and gingerly taking each jump.

On jump one, Manning hit a 1 point ring, while Uranus splashed into open water.

The sputtering kickers climbed up for round 2. Manning 2, Uranus 0.

Round 3: Manning misses, while Uranus manages to hit a 1-pt ring.

Round 4: Manning gets his 1-pt, but Uranus took a leap for the 2-ring and bullseye'd it! Manning 3, Uranus 3. Final jump coming up.

Round 5: Manning goes for the two...and misses! All Uranus has to do is hit the 1-ring. But he's missed it twice before...

he jumps...

his eyes are closed all the way down...

Bullseye! Uranus hits it! The Rise of the Defenses reigns again, BH wins, 31-28."

*****
"Speaking of defense, could the day be complete without the Star Crunch (8-2) taking on the Margarita monsters (6-4)?

Could either club score? Both defense came up huge as the game's best MLBs, Brad Pitt and Ray Lewis patrolled the middle like panthers on the hunt.

San Antonio got an early TD as HB Mutt ran up behind FB Metalhead and all-pro guard Lone Star. The LA DTs were overpowered, and Pitt was a split second too late.

That was the last time Pitt was late. Mutt never ran for more than 3 yards at a time after that.

For LA, the relentless pressure from SA DTs Aragorn and Sack U, proved too frustrating for QB Bernie Mac. Mac threw for less than 150, 0 TDs, and 2 INTs.

Running up the middle didn't work either, as the DT animals and Ray Lewis stuffed it there.

But LA doesn't usually run up the middle. No, it's off bookend all-pros, OTs Matthew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze, Jr. But SA has an all-pro of their own, DE All Pro. Though prevented from gobbling up sacks, All Pro did manage to shut down the running game on his side. LA almost didn't score at all, but in the third quarter, McConaughey sprung HB Rodney Dangerfield for 4 yards and a TD plunge. At the end of 4, 7-7. Bring on the Kickers!

Now, San Antonio kicker Steve McLaughlin was bailed out of jail so he could compete, but he drew a tough match in Little Val Kilmer.

Still, McLaughlin was confident. 'San Antonio has had a rough record in overtime,' McLaughlin said. 'That should have ended last week, if it weren't for those $%#&$ cops. All that ends this week. I'm taking Kilmer down.'

He'd get his chance in yet another water race. But this time, human powered. Each kicker sat in a rowboat. But not one of those slick, Yale or Oxford numbers. No, a rickety, wooden fishing rowboat complete with leaks and dinged up oars. To be fair, the kickers were give the choice from among five boats. McLaughlin chose 'Ol Betsy' and Kilmer chose 'Riptide'. Each kicker was given a pair of oars and a bucket for bailing (notice the cute pun on McLaughlin's current legal situation). From the same starting point, around the bouoy, and back onto the beach. Ready, set, go!

The kickers dragged their crafts into the water and began to row furiously. But soon, each craft began to fill with water. Kilmer's strategy was to stop to bail often, keep a lighter ship. But 'Ol Besty' kept right on churning, getting a lead before stopping to bail. So it was a game of back and forth: 'Ol Betsy' getting ahead, and the lighter 'Riptide' catching up.

As they rounded the bouoy, the boats got close. They bumped. McLaughlin got upset, pulled out his oar, and swung at Kilmer. Kilmer went to block, but the blow sent Kilmer's oar out to sea! Kilmer's down to one oar!

McLaughlin laughed and began rowing again. But the blow to Kilmer's oar had cracked McLauglin's oar. On the next stroke, it snapped in half. Now 'Ol Betsy' is down to one oar too!

The kickers, dead in the water for a moment, stopped to eye one another. They drifted for a second...then McLaughlin got up, turned around, kneeled in the front of the boat, and began to paddle it like a canoe! He's getting the lead...

Kilmer began bailing. He wanted a light ship to make one last charge. When he was confident he was light enough to streak to the goal, he pulled the same canoe maneuver and took off like a shot!

'Ol Betsy' is huffing and puffing to get her water-laded tub to shore...'Riptide' is coming up fast...'Ol Betsy' doesn't have time to stop and bail now; she's gotta go all the way half-submerged...'Riptide' is coming up the outside...both kickers have jumped ship...they're hauling thier tubs up on shore...it's going to be a photo finish....

And 'Ol Betsy' crosses the line first! 'Ol Betsy' is the winner!

'The Riptide had a deeper hull,' Kilmer said afterwards, 'I thought I had it at the end because Riptide was lighter. But she was dragging deeper in the sand than Ol Betsy. Heckuva job McLaughlin did of muscling Betsy up on shore.'

San Antonio wins, 10-7."

*****
"The final game of the season determines our first overall draft pick next season. Portland, San Antonio, and the other Juggernauts of the ZFL kicked back to watch a solid piece of running and some outstanding young players duke it out as Little Rock (0-10) did battle with Chicago (1-9).

The game's two best runners, Rajah Saleem and Randy Steele duked it out for the league rushing title in this match, Steele coming into the game with a slim, 17-yard lead over Saleem.

Both runners lit up the field. Rajah followed FB Johnny Rock right past Chicago's aging DTs and into the Eagle secondary. Saleem tallied 146 yards and 3 TDs as the Willies made a charge to climb out of the cellar.

For the Eagles, Randy Steele followed FB Hackenstein and OG Tom Sanders, like he did all season. But Little Rock OLB Little Ray showed the jets to catch Steele, and prevented a couple of huge runs.

A pass from CH QB Mike Marino to FB Josh Hackenstein tied it up at the start of the fourth, and it looked like we were on our way to yet another overtime.

But then it happened. Great seasons and great games often come down to a single play, and the ZFL got a sniff of what may be to come, as the great play today came down to a rookie. Facing 2nd and 4, Little Rock handed the ball to Rajah Saleem. Saleem followed FB Rock around OT Keith Slapinski, looking for a big run. FB Johnny Rock laid down the block on CH OLB Ray Brown, and Rajah sprinted past the first down marker. He cut inside when CH CB Deniable Cook denied the sideline. Chicago rookie safety Shut Down was waiting for him.

Suddenly, Rajah stopped to put a stutter-step move and blow past Shut Down. That's when it happened. In a streak, flying from behind, CH rookie MLB 'Ell Capone' dove at Saleem and punched the ball loose. Shut Down fell on it, and the Eagles had one more chance.

That one more chance gave Randy Steele 16 more rushing yards, the rushing title, and gave FB Josh Hackenstein the opportunity to punch in the winning score. Eagles win, 28-21."

*****
Commish's recap
"Congratulations, Portland, on an undefeated season! Congratulations, Randy Steele, on taking the running title away from Rajah Saleem (didn't think anyone could do that). Congratulations, San Antonio, on finally getting an overtime win. And Congratulations, Cinci, on an excellent season, and a big momentum win this week.

End of season awards to follow in the next couple of weeks, ProBowl balloting, and a Christmas break. Look for the draft to be in January.

FINAL Standings (order of teams in reverse of next year's draft order):

PT 11-0
AQ 9-2
LA 8-3
MW 8-3
SA 7-4
KX 6-5
CN 5-6
BH 5-6
EP 4-7
CH 2-9
FG 1-10
LR 0-11