Humour...

[Noop]

Well guys I've been down lately... And I was wondering if you guys could supply some jokes for me. I really could use a pick me right about now...

[Noop]

I'll go first...

man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They walk by the condom display and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh," replied the boy. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school."

He picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers."Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replies, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for...

[fof playa]

Who's a hispanic gang member's favorite detective?
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Sherlock Homes!

"Really, folks. The tomatoes are unnecessary."

[Noop]

Originally posted by fof playa
Who's a hispanic gang member's favorite detective?
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Sherlock Homes!

"Really, folks. The tomatoes are unnecessary."

Pretty funny....

http://www.messengerweb.nl/avatars/images/cartoonwiltsex.gif http://www.messengerweb.nl/avatars/images/trespassing.jpg http://www.messengerweb.nl/avatars/images/muismuis.jpg

[JeeberD]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[JeeberD]

A man comes home drunk one night and so he doesn't get into too much trouble he decides to orally satisfy his wife. He goes under the covers and does the deed. Afterwards, he decides to wash the unpleasant taste from his mouth and goes to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat is his wife. "How the hell did you beat me into the bathroom?" He asks amazed. "SHHHH!" She replied "Quiet, you'll wake mother. She's spending the night!"

[Noop]

thanks Jeeb

[JeeberD]

An old farmer was having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.
One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quickly."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked the farmer.

"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her," his friend said.

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina, and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip-roaring boner and jumped on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed. That night, Ben got into bed with his wife and couldn't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dipped his fingers into his wife's vagina. Feeling that it was nice and wet, he rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

[WSUCougar]

Originally posted by Noop
Well guys I've been down lately... And I was wondering if you guys could supply some jokes for me. I really could use a pick me right about now...
http://philadelphia.comcastsportsnet.com/news/images/091602-spurrier.jpg

[JeeberD]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where here was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks." replied the cab driver. He then said, "And how much for you to suck my dick on the way?" "What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum!" the cab driver said angrily. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[JeeberD]

This one is for Ksyrup....


A priest, the pope and a lawyer die on the same day. They are met at the gate by St. Peter.

They walk down the heavenly path and come to a one room shack. St. Pater turns to the pope and says, "your holiness? This is your home for eternity." The pope goes down the path to his new home.

They walk further and come to a two room shack. St. Peter points to the shack and says, "father, this will be where you will reside." The priest goes down the path.

They walk further still and come to a palatial estate. St. Peter tells the lawyer the estate is his home.

The lawyer is dumbstruck. "St. Peter, how is it that the pope gets a one room shack, the priest a two room shack and (gesturing to the mansion), I get this.

St. Peter says to him, "well, popes and priests, they're a dime a dozen up here, but lawyers . . . "

[alterra]

What has two legs and bleeds?
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Half a cat.

[JeeberD]

I thought it was gonna be a woman between the ages of 13 and 55....

[Maple Leafs]

What does your local Walmart have in common with Michael Jackson's house?

Little boys' underwear, half-off.

[WSUCougar]

http://www.omigosh.com/pics-holidays/thanksgiving.jpg

[sterlingice]

C'mon, guys. Got something non-juvenile? I mean, outside of JeeberD's lawyer joke and a couple of one liners, everything's a sex joke and those get tired quick.

SI

[Noop]

What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and God....God does not think he is Steve Spurrier

Why does SOS where a visor.....To hide the circumcision marks.

[Noop]

You know you are a gator if you're still scalping tickets after the game is over.

There were a gator and Seminole living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John the gator hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

[Noop]

A gator had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

[Noop]

A gater fan was out hunting ducks one day when he shot one down. He ran to get it and there was a Seminole fan standing right next to his duck. The Seminole fan says, partner this is my land and this duck is my property. The gater fan proceeds to get really ticked off and starts screaming and yelling. The Seminole fan finally calms the gater fan down and says lets settle this like men. We are going to kick each other right in the privates and whichever one stands up more like a man gets to keep the duck. The gater fan agrees and the Seminole fan gets the first kick. Well the gater fan's face turns 10 shades of blue, tears well up in his eyes and he almost passes out. Finally he is ready to get his kick in. Just then the Seminole fan says, "That's ok partner, you can keep the duck!"

Q. What's the difference between a gator cheerleader and a bowling ball?

A. You can eat a bowling ball.

I heard they cancelled X-mas in hogtown this year because they couldnt find three wisemen or a virgin.

[McSweeny]

what's the difference between Yankee Stadium and a porcupine?







At Yankee Stadium all the pricks are on the inside

[McSweeny]

These two nuns are riding home on their bikes. The lead nun decides to take a shortcut home and singles to the other that they cut across the road and down a cobble stone path.

As they're bouncing along the cobblestones the second nun thinks they are lost and asks the first nun, "Have you ever come this way before?"

To which the first nun replies, "No, it must be the cobble stones"

[VPI97]

There's a guy from Virginia Tech driving from Blacksburg to Charlottesville, and a guy from UVA driving from Charlottesville to Blacksburg.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Hokie manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Wahoo scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Wahoo walks over to the Hokie and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Hokie thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck."

So the Hokie pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Wild Turkey. He says to the Hoo, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Wahoo says, "I believe you're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle the he hands it back to the Hokie and says, "Your turn!"

The Hokie twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

[Noop]

My Penis is the size of peanut, have you seen it? Heck no you havent seen its the size of a pea's nutt.

Man1: Sir I have a joke for you
Man2: Ok
Man1: What is big, fat, and smells?
Man2: Hmm that can be anything... give me a hint
Man1: Its around you all the time.
Man2: Pussy?
Man1: No, but your close!!

After about 5 mintues Man2 has said he's given up. what is it

Man1: You big fat hairy mama's pussy!!

-----
Yes I know it was a lame joke but I cant stop laughing :D

:)

noop

[JeeberD]

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two - at least three pound live lobsters - one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed!

Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the Season closed!"

The Newfie says, "No, my son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?"

Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if its true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another!
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says, "What For?"

The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in the Lobsters."

The Newfie says, "What Lobsters?

[mckerney]

Hello Rappaport. Rappaport, what happened to you? You used to be a short fat guy, now you're a tall skinny guy

I'm not Rappaport

Rappaport, you used to be a young guy with a beard, now you're an old guy with a mustache. What happend to you?

I'm not Rappaport.

Rappaport what happened to you? You used to dress up nice, now you got old dirty clothes.

I'm not Rappaport.

And you changed your name too!

[mckerney]

A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a major black eye too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"
Other guy: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge breasts was there, so instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh, and she hauled off and hit me in the eye."

First guy: "Wow, this IS a coincidence. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pass the box of Wheaties,' but instead I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my whole life you stupid bitch

[Buccaneer]

Originally posted by sterlingice
C'mon, guys. Got something non-juvenile? I mean, outside of JeeberD's lawyer joke and a couple of one liners, everything's a sex joke and those get tired quick.

SI

Considering the original poster, that is not to be expected.

[Neuqua]

A middle aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you! ."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she said,"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his

hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"No", she said.

So he replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[Noop]

Originally posted by Buccaneer
Considering the original poster, that is not to be expected. What the hell is that suppose to mean?


Good jokes guys...

What is old, senile and always think they're right?
Bucc..... lol!! j/k


:)

noop

[Noop]

-=Warning=-The next posts are not work safe-=Warning=-

[Noop]

http://www.you-are-a-huge-nerd.com/public/freepix/meltdown1.jpg http://www.you-are-a-huge-nerd.com/public/freepix/mistletoe.jpg http://www.you-are-a-huge-nerd.com/public/freepix/SnowmanStickup.jpg http://www.you-are-a-huge-nerd.com/public/freepix/xmas6.jpg


:)

noop