Top 10: Things You Never Want Her To Say

[Blade6119]

Number 10



I've been thinking...
If she actually tells you she's been thinking, it's serious. And you can bet it involves marriage or cohabitation, or the bitter end. This species of woman-whaler takes on many forms, such as: "Why do you love me?" and "Have you ever thought about the future?" Again, have a brilliant exit plan at hand; a severed finger, for instance.


Number 9



Be a man.
Nothing is quite as injurious as having your very manhood questioned. You could give into her shame tactics and do what she wants, or deflect it back by saying, "How about you be a woman and quit nagging?"


Number 8



My parents want to meet you.
This means two things:

1- The relationship has crossed an important milestone of seriousness.
2- You're about to be psychologically cavity-searched under the family microscope.

All you can do is hope her father doesn't mention that he has some rusty wire cutters he wants to put to use.


Number 7



I have a headache.
That means no action for you tonight, buddy. But you can beat her to it. If you sense she's particularly tired when you're horny, give her an unsolicited aspirin. If she says, "But I don't have a headache," give her a grin and do your thing.


Number 6



That's not the way my ex did it.
You never talk about your ex in front of her. So you obviously weren't prepared for this. Now you're being measured against the man she dumped. Ouch. Defend yourself, quickly.


Number 5



What are you thinking about?
Women are curious. They need to know your every thought, feeling, hunch, and inkling. Men, on the other hand, don't like to discuss and explore everything; we're content to keep quiet.


Number 4



Do you find her pretty?
She already caught you looking at that mind-blowing blonde that walked by, no matter how covert your glance. So if you say "no," she'll know you're lying and an argument will ensue. This is the time for very artful tact, such as, "Kind of, her ass is huge." Now pray.


Number 3



Do you notice anything different about me?
You know you're in trouble if you don't. And the longer you take to answer, the more frustrated she'll become, which makes you more frantic. And when you finally bellow, "Oh, you got a new haircut!" she storms out, throwing her new earrings on the floor.


Number 2



My friend is pregnant/engaged.
This seems harmless enough, until you catch that thinly veiled hint of disappointment in her voice. At this point, you know she really means, "When will we be engaged/pregnant?" Be prepared with an expert diversion at this point, such as faking a seizure.

Unfortunately, nothing will help you when she comes at you with the even more chilling, "I'm pregnant." Good luck, buddy.


Number 1



We need to talk.
What everyone should know about these words is that no good news ever follows. These four ominous words signal a problem with the relationship. Expect a breakup, or at the very least a long talk about how you're not meeting her needs. Either way, it's not pleasant. And there is little you can do to avoid it.

And though this one is a real bruiser, nothing is quite as caustic, as savage, as utterly cataclysmic as, "Do you think I'm fat?" You're on your own.

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This was on Askmen.com, but i figured it would give some people here a laugh. :)

[Ragone]

Where are these top ten hits?

"I wanna be just friends?"

"I think of you as a brother?" which my reply is usually "Well, i wish we lived in arkansas"

And my all time favorite

"your too nice for me"

[Blade6119]

I think these are after you get into the relationship...lets see if i can find a list for what your looking for

[Vince]

I'm guessing we'd need another top ten for rejection lines.

[Suicane75]

I can give you the all time thing you never wanna hear a girl say to you, but i must give some backstory.

Ok, about 8 years ago I meet this girl thru mutual friends, we all start hanging out, no relationships or sex between any of our group of friends but we hung almost every night messin around on this newfangled thing called the internet and getting drunk and what not. Well anyway, i developed a serious crush on "her real name" and would let loose every once in a while with a little flirting or double entendre or what not but nothing really serious, just enough to let her know I was into givin her some lovin if she ever desired. After a few months of hints, allegations and things left unsaid I finnaly popped the question in a manner of speaking, asking her to come sit on my lap, "why?" "her real name" asks as if shes totaly confused. "My god "her real name", I'm hitting on you, isn't it obvious?" I say out of frustration. To which she replies with the all time #1 line a guy never wants to hear a woman say, "But "my real name", It would never work out between us, you're like 1 of the girls to me." I know what she meant and I know it wasn't intended like that, but god damn if my self esteem and ego didn't jump right out the window at that point. Of course a few months later I convinced her that selling her panties on the internet would be a good way to make some extra money and I got to do some copious things with her but I really, deep in my heart had an affection for this girl and she absoloutly killed me with that statement.

[Blade6119]

lets see...i can understand how that would kill your self-esteem...but it sounds to me like you made out quite alright in my opinion. Did you guys ever end up hooking up?

[Suicane75]

ummm, yes and no, we didn't do IT, but we did do STUFF, and the STUFF we did was fun but It was never serious and deep down that's what I really wanted, which is why her remark hurt so much.

[TLK]

I know the worst (in most situations).....


There's something I have to tell you......

I'm preggggnnnnaaaannnnnttttt........

[BishopMVP]

"How old do you want me to be?"

[Gambit]

I hate "I've been thinking" and "We need to talk". Both of them lead into areas you don't want to go. She's either going to say "I think we're moving in different directions"(BTW, this means she's found a guy and wants to leave you for him) or she'll mention something that you need to improve on.

[MIJB#19]

"I really like you, you are so lovely, lovable, but I will never love you."

It could work the other way as well, by the way...

[Leonidas]

How 'bout this one: "I'm so glad you're not as big as my last boyfriend."

[Maple Leafs]

My wife has mastered this one: "What's wrong?"

It's usually asked when I'm minding my own business, having a perfectly nice day, and inevitably leads to a fight over how she can pick up little nuances in my behaviour and how I clearly am not comfortable sharing my true feelings with her.

Typically this happens right after she's finished reading some Cosmo article about women's intuition.

[Gambit]

What about, "I love you like a brother" or "You're just like one of the girls"

[Fonzie]

And let's not forget the "I have herpes" line.

[scooper]

There's something I have to tell you......

I'm preggggnnnnaaaannnnnttttt........


Actually, I've been praying to hear this one. We've sought help. It could happen within the next two weeks. Any additional prayers are appreciated.

[Ksyrup]

Originally posted by scooper
Actually, I've been praying to hear this one. We've sought help. It could happen within the next two weeks. Any additional prayers are appreciated.

I understand completely and you'll be in my thoughts.

[Blade6119]

Originally posted by scooper
Actually, I've been praying to hear this one. We've sought help. It could happen within the next two weeks. Any additional prayers are appreciated.

Best of wishes man, and i hope you get want you want. :)

[Fritz]

hmmm.

"I'm moving out tommorow" didn't make the list.

I guess someone has not gotten to that point yet.

[Cringer]

How about "Do you mind if my boyfriend stays here this week while your gone?"

[B & B]

Its OK, Ive already got ointment for that.

[Samdari]

Originally posted by scooper
Actually, I've been praying to hear this one. We've sought help. It could happen within the next two weeks. Any additional prayers are appreciated.

Good luck to you. After waiting a Dr recommended two cycles post miscarriage, my wife has informed me that I'll be back "on the clock" in a few days.

As far as top 10 things men never want to hear, the list changes a bit when marriage is involved.

"we need to talk" is still the top of the list, although it usually does not mean "it's over" Married women use this phrase to convey one of the following thoughts, "This conversation is going to cost you a lot of money." or "You are paying too much attention to that stupid football game, and not enough to me."

Instead of the above, the "It's over" idea is conveyed through phrases like, "Here is my lawyer's card"

Other phrases married men hate hearing:

"Do you like the color in the kitchen?"

"I have no shoes to go with this outfit."

"I've been sleeping with your brother."

and the dreaded "Why don't you get patriotic underwear like that stud black guy from the internet?"

[Flasch186]

cant find that underwear anywhere. Where might someone trying to start down the path to super studlyness go for that initial pick me up?

[Leonidas]

"It's OK, I've been tested."

or you know she's full of it when she says, "You're only the third guy I've ever been with."

She uses that one when she knows you know she's way too experienced to say you are the first or second, but still wants you to think she has some virtue left.

[Franklinnoble]

Originally posted by Fritz
hmmm.

"I'm moving out tommorow" didn't make the list.

I guess someone has not gotten to that point yet.

Been there... ex-wife didn't give me any early warning, though.

She woke up one morning and said she was staying home sick. She called that evening while I was at the hospital with a friend and asked if I was coming home soon. I said "No, I just got here." She said, "OK, then I'll finish moving."

Bitch cleaned the place out. I didn't even have toilet paper in the damned bathroom.

[Radii]

for the engaged, I heard the following uttered Saturday:

"The Georgia Bridal Show is in town tomorrow, want to go?"

[Maple Leafs]

Originally posted by Samdari
Other phrases married men hate hearing:Don't forget "Do you have any plans for this weekend"?

Translation: "You do now".

[Samdari]

Very funny Maple Leafs, I did indeed forget that one, although I would have put:

Translation: "You will miss the big game to hang out with my annoying friends."

[scooper]

With my wife lately, I've dreaded hearing, "I want to play the X-Box for awhile."

[Maple Leafs]

Originally posted by Samdari
Very funny Maple Leafs, I did indeed forget that one, although I would have put:

Translation: "You will miss the big game to hang out with my annoying friends." Odd, for me it's usually "We're going furniture shopping all day."

[mckerney]

"You're just like one of the girls"

"So, you're a lesbian, right?"

[corbes]

Originally posted by Maple Leafs
Don't forget "Do you have any plans for this weekend"?

Translation: "You do now".

hahaha

closely related to: Are you really going to {sit there, watch TV, sleep, play on that stupid computer} all day?

Do you want to go to {fill in the blank}?

What do you think about {fill in the blank}?

[mckerney]

SkyDog, would you be able to unban Horns for just this thread. Without him here I feel we have some sort of untapped comic gold mine.

[sabotai]

"We need to talk" was given to me twice. Both times it was about breaking up.

So next time a girl says that to me, I'm just going to punch her in the face a give her a real reason to break up with me instead of the total bs reasons they usually give. :D

[Franklinnoble]

Originally posted by sabotai
"We need to talk" was given to me twice. Both times it was about breaking up.

So next time a girl says that to me, I'm just going to punch her in the face a give her a real reason to break up with me instead of the total bs reasons they usually give. :D

Nice. :D

[sterlingice]

Originally posted by Samdari
and the dreaded "Why don't you get patriotic underwear like that stud black guy from the internet?"

:D :D :D


Originally posted by Franklinnoble
Bitch cleaned the place out. I didn't even have toilet paper in the damned bathroom.

Sorry to not take this as serious as I should, but this reminded me of Tom Arnold in True Lies: "What kind of sick bitch takes the ice cube trays?!?"

SI

[Ksyrup]

Originally posted by mckerney
SkyDog, would you be able to unban Horns for just this thread. Without him here I feel we have some sort of untapped comic gold mine.

Will this do?



""Wimp" is the definition of a man who allows the woman to always be in control of the relationship and its destiny. You know your woman has the power when you let her get away with standing you up, when she always decides what the two of you are going to do when you go out, your general attitude shows that you are proud to have a catch like her, the majority of your spare time revolves around seeing her, you ALWAYS choose spending time with her over your own friends, she can call you at any time and have you come running when she snaps her fingers, she freely goes out with her girlfriends and gets upset when you want to do the same, and there are many, many more examples of this kind of behavior.

Women do NOT want to be in control... ever. They will act like they do (especially at the beginning), but it is only a test to see if you will give it to them. They test hoping that you won't let them guide the ship, but most "wimpy" men fail this test and most women will eventually leave the "wimpy" man heartbroken and shaking his head trying to figure out how she could leave when he treated her better than anyone she had ever been with."

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by Franklinnoble
Been there... ex-wife didn't give me any early warning, though.

She woke up one morning and said she was staying home sick. She called that evening while I was at the hospital with a friend and asked if I was coming home soon. I said "No, I just got here." She said, "OK, then I'll finish moving."

Bitch cleaned the place out. I didn't even have toilet paper in the damned bathroom.

I had a friend whose place was cleared out with the exception of 2 bags of stuff he took with him. The bitch didn't even live with him, just very angry lady. His place was bare, no blinds, nothing.

Now, this is a small list that I feel are the worst things that could be possible said.

1. Ouch, that hurts. Usually the bigger ones hurt, so I wasn't really expecting this, what are you doing?

2. The condom broke. (Now as bad as this seem, this is the point where you look down, realise it is the girl you have been with for a few years and haven't wore a condom with for over a year). Then you look up and see a picture of her with a hockey team.

3. No, I don't shave, the crabs usually just keep it trimmed for me.

4. Tell me if it burns. Doctors visits are too costly.

5. You can stick it in my butt if you want. It still might be messy in the other one. Oh yeah, your dad says hi.

I got nothing.

[sterlingice]

Originally posted by Ksyrup
Will this do?

""Wimp" is the definition of a man who allows the woman to always be in control of the relationship and its destiny. You know your woman has the power when you let her get away with standing you up, when she always decides what the two of you are going to do when you go out, your general attitude shows that you are proud to have a catch like her, the majority of your spare time revolves around seeing her, you ALWAYS choose spending time with her over your own friends, she can call you at any time and have you come running when she snaps her fingers, she freely goes out with her girlfriends and gets upset when you want to do the same, and there are many, many more examples of this kind of behavior.

Women do NOT want to be in control... ever. They will act like they do (especially at the beginning), but it is only a test to see if you will give it to them. They test hoping that you won't let them guide the ship, but most "wimpy" men fail this test and most women will eventually leave the "wimpy" man heartbroken and shaking his head trying to figure out how she could leave when he treated her better than anyone she had ever been with."

See, I actually think the first paragraph is almost spot on and not the ravings of a lunatic. I'm not saying don't compromise with your significant other, but I see so many people being led around by, well, their dick. Any relationship where it's not very equal is doomed to either misery by at least one party or just failure. And this is a two way street- if you're a crazy control freak, it's probably the other way around.

I don't know about the "women never want to be in control" part. I think there are many things they want to control- they're just typically different than what we want to control. Something to the effect of we like to control the living room (lots of electronics, video game systems, guy books and "toys") while they will take over the bathroom, if left to their own devices. Both parties put some reasonable limits on the other's incursions and both are content.

Then again, any advice on something like this is from the blind leading the blind. I've been able to get along with all of one girl in my life so I'm not exactly drawing off of a wealth of experience (~4 years).

SI