OT: The Standup Comedian Quote Thread

[Maple Leafs]

Inspired by the Mitch Hedberg thread... here's an opportunity to list some of your favorite comedian quotes. No ground rules, other than getting the guy's name right. (The first one to post some droopy Internet glurge and attribute it to George Carlin is getting stabbed in the eye.)

Who knows... if we all work really hard, maybe we can even get four or five posts in before it turns into a debate about religion or Iraq.

I'll kick it off:

Emo Phillips, on children:
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

George Carlin, on phone etiquette:
"These guys, who can't tell you about a phone conversation without giving you this shit (holds his hand up to his head). Yeah, the pinky and the thumb. Like they just graduated mime college. Studied with Marcel Marceau. Thanks for the visual aid, Bruno, but I think we're all familar with the concept of the telephone."

Dennis Miller, on chivalry:
"If Ted Kennedy is such a ladies man, how come it takes him so long to open his date's car door for her?"

Chris Rock, on divorce:
"When it comes to getting a divorce, women got it good. They go in front of the judge and start talking that shit -- 'Your honor, I'm used to this, I'm used to that, I'm accustomed to this'. Yo, what the fuck is 'accustomed'? What does that have to do with shit? You go to restaurant, you're accustomed to eating. You leave, you ain't eating no more. They don't owe you a steak. But women start talking that shit, and they get the money. What about the man? What about what the man is accustomed to? It might not be money, but over the course of a relationship a man grows accustomed to a few things. And I would love to see a man get up there in front of the judge and say 'Your honor, check this out. I'm accustomed to fucking her four times a week...'."

[Ksyrup]

In honor of one of my favorite comics, Dennis Wolfberg, who passed away in 1994:

"My wife is half-Jewish...and my parents are half-*pissed*! ...Speaking of CHHHHHhanukah, I swear this is true, once I was in Alabama and someone came up to me and wished me a happy *Chaka Khan!* Can you believe this, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Have you tried this new cereal called Fiber One? It's supposed to have twice the fiber of other cereals...and about ten times the fiber of *raw twine,* ladies and gentlemen....It's one thing to be regular, but another to be *unstoppable*!"

"She was 102. She didn't have wrinkles, she had pleats ... There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure."

"We delivered our child via natural childbirth, the procedure invented by a man named Lamaze--the Marquis de Lamaze, a disciple of Dr. Josef Mengele, who concluded that women could counteract the incredible pain of childbirth through breathing. I think we can all agree that breathing is a reasonable substitute for anesthesia. That's like asking a man to tolerate a vasectomy by hyperventilating. Lamaze expects the husband--me--to be there, so that I can witness this festivity. I did not want to be there. This was remarkably painful for my wife. There was nothing my presence could really do to relieve her pain. In other words, I didn't see why my evening should be ruined too."

"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex, which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn’t even want to sleep with my mother."

"If we had a girl, my wife wanted to call her "Sue" -- a lovely name, but which for Jews is generally a verb."

"I didn't practice abstinence, I *perfected* it!"

[jeff061]

can't remember things word for word, but.

"Whats with Christians commemorating the life and death of jesus with crosses, i think thats the last thing Christ wants to see when he coms back. Its kind of like going up to Jaquie Onassis with a rifle pendant'Just think of John baby, just thinking of John'."

My personal favorite comic, Bill Hicks. I'll throw some other ones up when i get some time.

[Ksyrup]

Check out hxxp://www.shootspeed.com, and click on the Bill Hicks Bootleg Archive on the top-right tab. Very slow site, but some great bootleg shows.

[Maple Leafs]

RIP Dennis Wolfberg.

"Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're a diabetic. In which case, insulin would be the best medicine." - Norm McDonald.