I was lost.

[The Afoci]

I could recount the events that led to me losing faith in God. I could recount the events that left my prayers empty and meaningless, but said only out of the fear that what I had believed in my life until this point was actually true. I could say that it stems from the lost innocences of when I had my best friend murdered. I could say it came from finally realizing that I can fail at something I want to achieve because you truly can't do everything you want to. It most definately could have been from the fact, that like many people, I became lost in a time where leadership and responsiblity were things that other people where to have and not you. It could be that I was never prepared properly to be a man, or so I thought and that I could never let go of childhood dreams and hopes and that my entire upbringing was based solely on what I could accomplish if I put my mind too it.

I then said fuck it. I want to be happy and fuck all this that is in my way. I don't need to have certain dreams or career asperations. My only dream became to be happy. Upon hearing that both my Grandmothers developed terminal illnesses within one weeks time period some eleven weeks ago, the anger in me rose. I was blessed with two of the strongest women in the world and they both happened to be my grandmothers. I never had a Grandfather, one passed away when I was one, the other ran out on the family long before I was born. My job situation became one full of stress and to add that to all the things that I was seeing, I left God. I wanted nothing to do with a being that could be so evil. He couldn't exist. It was a crutch for the weak and those who were too afraid to accept that what happened on Earth was it. For those who couldn't accept that we essentially live forever. For those who needed to be led. I didn't want or need leadership anymore. Fuck him. Fuck God. Fuck the Bible and fuck Jesus. This bullshit was something I couldn't handle anymore.

It was yesterday, May 19, 2004 at 8:30 in the morning that my mother called and I was to rush to the hospital. My grandmother, who had been in intensive care for eleven weeks was extremely ill and her time was coming. Fuck you God. You can't take her from me. Fuck you and your followers who blindly allow death and pass it off as a glorious thing. As my tears streamed down my face as my mother and father, my two aunts and uncles, my four cousins, my sister, a Pastor and a few of my grandmothers close friends stood over her body, the sounds of machines making her breathe, the sounds of her wheazing, my anger continued to rise. The decision, against my will, was made to unplug the ventalator. As she was read her last rights, my tears hit my hand as it held hers. I whispered my final words in her ear, she raised her eyebrows to acknowledge what I said. The I love you's, the goodbye's, the pastor, the praying, all this love in this room finally got to me. I held her hand as tight as I could and kissed her on the forehead. I looked around the room. God had answered my last prayer to him. Not in a way I had asked, but in one so much better.

I watched the line go flat and cried holding her hand until it cooled. I heard the tears of everyone close to me, but I was no longer angry. God had allowed one thing to happen. A sign, so to speak to show me he does care, that he is there. My Grandmother was allowed to die with everyone she loved present. This woman, who he had provided an incredibly tough life too, he filled it with numerous hardships, but gave her a loving, tightknit family, he allowed her to die in a way one could only hope for. We all got to say our goodbyes. We got in one last laugh with her. We got one last cry. And with that God ended her hard life with the calmest, best death one could have. In a room full of those you love. No doctors. No nurses. Not alone in her apartment, not at the hands of a murderer or at the site of an accident, but in the hands and presence of everything good she did in her life.

And though I ramble not knowing how to explain what I now feel, I can only say that I am lost no more. That my tears are not in vain. That my pain and hurt will someday end. That someday I will see my Grandmother again.

[CraigSca]

I'm sorry for your loss, but it's so gratifying to hear that she was with the people she loved when she passed away.

I'm glad you're no longer lost. It can get awfully lonely out there in that state.

Take care,

Craig

[Noop]

Wow... I wrote a long reply but it wouldn't do you any kind of justice. Thank You for the story and for those times you stuck your head out a bit for me. God is a great.

[Bonegavel]

Asshole. Where the hell did i put that box of tissues...

[MacroGuru]

Asshole. Where the hell did i put that box of tissues...
ditto, and I'm at work too....

[Poli]

If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I'm here.

[Kodos]

Sometimes you aren't really prepared to run across a thread like this. I was just browsing around looking for entertainment and ended up getting something else entirely.


I'm glad you got to share your grandmother's last moments with her and everyone that she loved. It was a touching story. Thanks for sharing it with us, and I hope getting it out helps some of your wounds to heal a little faster. I know losing my grandmother was a tough time. My regrets go out to you and your family. :(

[Marc Vaughan]

ditto, and I'm at work too....
I'd third that - but I'd never admit to it, hey wait a minute .... damn ;)

[Sun Tzu]

It sucks that your Grandmother died Afoci. We've (FOFC) had a slew of grandparents die these last couple months. It's always tough losing somebody close to you, regardless of how they go out. However when they do finaly go, it's obviously preferable to have them go in the circumstances you described. I wish you and yours all the best.

[Eaglesfan27]

I don't know what to say except you brought tears to my eyes, made me remember my own grandfather's passing just two short months ago, and that you will be in my prayers tonight.

[nfg22]

Afoci I have learned many things that God has done after He has done them and may I dont even know but know this, your grandmothers death has impacted my life now and has shown me a greater understanding of God's love in a way I didnt think about before. While I am a very devout Christian I have never thought of God giving people somthing like that and now I realize He is so much more than I could ever imagine. BTW sorry about ur grand mother just letting ya know I got sumthing out of it. thanks for sharing that.

[revrew]

Afoci,
I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and glad to hear of your gain.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Even down to, and especially, the "fuck you God" feelings. That's real life, man. No religious bullshit. No matter what some other pastor, priest, or well-meaning friend tells you, know that God wants you to always be just that honest with him. Don't hold real life back from him, because he's a real God who wants a real relationship with you.
I'll be praying for you.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Thank you Afoci.

I don't believe I've said much here about the passing of my grandfather last winter, heck, I haven't said much about it anywhere, I didn't trust myself to even try.

But that promise, that knowing, that I haven't seen him for the last time, that's what gets me through a lot of days still.

I thank God for that, and I thank both you & God that you shared this. We don't always know what our words might mean to someone else, and sometimes they are used in ways that we never would have expected, to help someone else with something we weren't even aware of. I don't want to sidetrack this with a long explanation or anything, but I felt like I needed to say "Thank You".

Jon

[SFL Cat]

Afoci...you kind of brought back memories of when I lost my mom to cancer. Our family had thought she was on the rebound when we did lose her. Believe me, the 'why God?' questions were there...the anger was there...the feelings of hurt and yes, betrayal (God, how could you let this happen?). But in the end, you have to place your trust in Him and know that he works all things for our good (even when we don't immediately understand).

I'm glad you got to be with your grandmother at the end. I put off going to see my mother before she died. At the time, I figured I had missed a lot of work traveling back and forth to see her at the hospital; she was responding pretty well to the chemo therapy and had been getting stronger; and we planned on seeing her in less than a month anyway when we went home for my sister's wedding. It still kind of haunts me that I didn't go see her the weekend she died, but then it made me realize that you can never take life's moments or your loved ones for granted. It also helped me realize that some of the things we stress over in life just aren't that important in the big scheme of things. Thanks for sharing. Very moving.

[Cuckoo]

I have no words, Afoci, but you have my most sincere condolences. You and your family will be in my prayers.

[thealmighty]

To Me: Chills as I read

To You: Thanks for a timely reminder and prayers for your family from mine.

[digamma]

God bless.

[Ben E Lou]

Afoci,
I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and glad to hear of your gain.
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Even down to, and especially, the "fuck you God" feelings. That's real life, man. No religious bullshit. No matter what some other pastor, priest, or well-meaning friend tells you, know that God wants you to always be just that honest with him. Don't hold real life back from him, because he's a real God who wants a real relationship with you.
I'll be praying for you.Revrew put it so much better than I could have. My thoughts exactly. Press on, Afoci.

[Northwood_DK]

Im still lost (and will proberly remain that way) but wants you to have my condolences. Sorry for your loss.

[SirFozzie]

Northwood: Not to preach, but you're never really lost. All you have to do is take a couple deep breaths.. turn around, and ask He who watches over all of us for help.

[sachmo71]

Thanks for sharing that, Afoci. I'm just glad you are happy. I believe that is the point of the whole entire thing.

[The Afoci]

Thanks for the support guys, it is really appreciated. I have been blessed by being able to spend vast amounts of time with my family of late because of my job situation, so that has made things much easier.

I am glad I was able to touch you with my story. I wish I could explain it better, but I can't.

[Franklinnoble]

Revrew put it so much better than I could have. My thoughts exactly. Press on, Afoci.
Ditto.

I went through a similar experience 3 years ago when my best friend died of cancer at the age of 26...

[The Afoci]

Ditto.

I went through a similar experience 3 years ago when my best friend died of cancer at the age of 26...


Then perhaps you could help me. I was thinking about this some more and came to the conclusion that perhaps it is hitting 'rock bottom' that allowed me to see through all the crap? I am very confused to say the least as this is a very major change in me that I have little explanation for.

[John Galt]

Then perhaps you could help me. I was thinking about this some more and came to the conclusion that perhaps it is hitting 'rock bottom' that allowed me to see through all the crap? I am very confused to say the least as this is a very major change in me that I have little explanation for.

Hitting "rock bottom" emotionally is often the best way to see things. I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope something good is coming from it. Good luck.

[Bonegavel]

I never knew either of my grandfathers and my only living grandmother lives in CA. My other grandmother lived a few hundred yards from my parents home (15 mins from my current residence), yet I saw her only a few times a year until her recent death.

In a strange way it seems you should be grateful for the pain you are feeling because when my grandmother recently passed, I was sad, but not much else. It was like I was looking at somebody else's grandmother there at the wake.

Reading your tale was a little extra emotional for me because I can't even begin to imagine the relationship you must of had with your grandmother while she was here. That is something to cherish.

[scooper]

Wow. Thanks for sharing that. The scene of your grandmother's passing sounds exactly like my father's. He was also surrounded by friends and family and it was peaceful. With the family surrounded his bed, friends spilled into the hallway of the hospital. They were not asked to come. They came when they heard the end was coming for him. It became an impromptu celebration of his life and the people he touched.

It sounds to me like your grandmother also had quite a fan club. That's great to hear. If each person in that room carries a little bit of her inside of them, she will always be around.

On the spiritual side of things, we're human. Sometimes we're going to question God. I'm glad he answered your questions.

[The Afoci]

Reading your tale was a little extra emotional for me because I can't even begin to imagine the relationship you must of had with your grandmother while she was here. That is something to cherish.

I think most of it comes form the fact that I was born to very young parents and both my grandmothers went out of there ways to ensure that I was raised properly. I spent large amounts of time with both in before I was 18.

[Franklinnoble]

Then perhaps you could help me. I was thinking about this some more and came to the conclusion that perhaps it is hitting 'rock bottom' that allowed me to see through all the crap? I am very confused to say the least as this is a very major change in me that I have little explanation for.
You are indeed on to something, at least from what I've experienced.

Shortly before my friend had died, my first wife left me. While I was at the hospital visiting him during a round of chemotherapy. I had married young, and had basically been with one woman my entire adult life - so it was pretty devastating. I was already doing a lot of soul-searching and trying to figure out "the meaning of life" and all that, and the chain of events with regards to my divorce and the death of my oldest friend really hit me like a punch in the gut. But I was struck with an unexpected degree of clarity at that time. I had shunned my faith up to that point, because, basically, I had a good life, and I enjoyed a pretty selfish and materialistic lifestyle... but I discovered that all doesn't mean squat when the sh!t hits the fan.

About a year before he died, my friend had started going to an evangelical Bible-based Christian church, and had become born-again. I didn't really have a problem with it, but I didn't give him my full support, either... I had been highly skeptical of those who took the Bible literally and at face value. My secular education had trained me to see this as absurd. But it made an impression upon me, especially in the way that he dealt with his cancer, and what it had done to his life. He was young, in good shape, popular with the ladies, incredibly successful in business... he had it all... and cancer came along and took it all away. Should he have been pissed off? He wasn't... in fact, he had become happier with the fellowship of his church friends than he had ever been with his drinking buddies. Since I didn't drink anyway, and never really got along with his bar-hopping crowd, this was cool with me... I could hang out with him and not be the designated driver all the damned time. ;)

A few years earlier, my dad had become born-again, went to seminary, and became a minister. I was shocked... my dad was a hard-ass, and here he was preaching the Bible. My point? The seeds had been planted, but I kept rejecting them... I liked reading philosophy books, and I preferred finding inner peace through meditation... I didn't need to report to a higher power.

But there is a higher power, and I was an idiot to ignore that obvious truth. After my divorce and the death of my friend, I was compelled to accept that. And I started doing my own research. I went to church. I read my Bible. I got to know Jesus, and, yes, I became born-again.

Now, I'm still a loooong way from being where I think He wants me to be, and I'm hardly a good witness to the Gospel at this point, but I have been able to weather harder times without having it break me down, because I know where I stand. I have salvation and eternal life through Jesus Christ, and nothing that happens to me here can take that away. I moved to northern California two years ago, married a Christian girl, found a good church, and I'm now the father of two children. The last eight months of my life have been more brutal to me personally than anything I've ever experienced, but I've held together much better than I did 3-4 years ago, and I can only credit my faith for that. I have a wife that stands by me instead of running away. I have a congregation full of brothers and sisters in Christ who have stepped up and helped out when I needed it, and that's a greater blessing than I ever imagined that I could have. I've lived though six months of unemployment, financial ruin, and the death of a family member, and I'm still plugging through the crisis, but I am genuinely at peace with my station in life.

Guys around here like SkyDog and revrew are probably a lot more qualified than I am to consult on spiritual questions and the like; I'm only able to speak on my own limited experience, but if you want to discuss this more, I'd be happy to talk with you anytime.

[The Afoci]

Thanks FN. We differ somewhat because I attended a Christian College and that was really what started my downfall. After reading the Bible, studying in depth in numerous classes, I dismissed most of it. I still had faith of sorts, but it was more fear of being wrong about it being crap. I am back to not having a doubt. I have talked to the pastor of my church more times in the last two days than I have in the last 4 years. He is a great guy, loves the T-wolves, had a few drinks with me and we discussed everything from religion to his experience in Africa to how the Kings suck. ;) It was refreshing to have a religous figure in my life that didn't only preach, but accepted that there is a life outside of the church and that you didn't have to choose between one or the other. I hadn't had that since the pastor who confirmed me.

[nfg22]

Thanks FN. We differ somewhat because I attended a Christian College and that was really what started my downfall. After reading the Bible, studying in depth in numerous classes, I dismissed most of it. I still had faith of sorts, but it was more fear of being wrong about it being crap. I am back to not having a doubt. I have talked to the pastor of my church more times in the last two days than I have in the last 4 years. He is a great guy, loves the T-wolves, had a few drinks with me and we discussed everything from religion to his experience in Africa to how the Kings suck. ;) It was refreshing to have a religous figure in my life that didn't only preach, but accepted that there is a life outside of the church and that you didn't have to choose between one or the other. I hadn't had that since the pastor who confirmed me.

Hey afoci Im with on the Twolves thing, and Im glad that you have found God again and for me it was the expeirience of having nothing to really let go and give all the rest of my life to Him. I got to a Christian College in Minnesota, and have a few friends from teh dakotas. Go Wolves and praise God.

[Glengoyne]

This post was much more moving and powerful, than I had any reason to believe it would be.

My condolences for your loss, and consider you and your family in my thoughts and prayers for the next few days.

[GoldenEagle]

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.
When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.