ZFL Season 2008

[JAG]

Week 1:

The inaugural game of the 2008 ZFL season featured El Paso and Chicago, two teams hoping to improve on disappointing seasons last year. How would El Paso rookie QB Dan McGwire handle the pressure of playing against one of the top defensive secondaries in the ZFL?

Not very well as it turns out. El Paso receives had a tough time shaking the tight coverage of S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper and McGwire was frustrated early. Early on, stalled El Paso drives gave Chicago great field position and led to a first quarter touchdown, as they kept the ball on the ground and bowled over the inferior El Paso defensive line with a 9 yard run by long-time Chicago great RB Randy Steele. A quick 4 and out by El Paso gave Chicago another short field to work with. Early in the second, Josh Hackenstein ran behind a huge hole opened when Tom Sanders pancaked DT Danny Noonan and scored untouched on an 11 yard TD run.

At this point, El Paso incorporated a shift in strategy. Instead of trying to warm McGwire up with early passes, they went to the ground game to soften up the coverage. It worked beautifully. Chicago’s rookie DTs didn’t look ready for primetime and couldn’t get off their blocks, allowing All-Pro Rashaan Salaam to block MLB El Capone and spring Blair Thomas for some long gains. On a 3rd and goal from the 2, a misdirection by El Paso led to a Rashaan Salaam touchdown and cut Chicago’s lead to 7 points.

The game settled into a slugfest, with both teams moving the ball on the ground with good success. El Paso scored again on a 4-yard run by Thomas and tied the score at the start of the third. Chicago scored on their next drive after two play action passes yielded 25-yard and 22-yard gains to rookie WR DeJuan Gavly got them close enough for another 9-yard TD run by Steele. Finally El Paso opened up their offense and allowed McGwire to throw it downfield a bit. He hit Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth for a 13-yard gain and then found the mismatch he wanted: Blair Thomas covered by the 35-year old OLB Ray Brown. Thomas raced past Brown and McGwire hit him in stride for a 32-yard TD down the right sideline and a tie score heading into the 4th.

The fourth quarter was all running. Neither team could gain so much as an inch through the air and the game slowed down a great deal. Chicago struck with 5 minutes to go on a Hackenstein 2-yard plunge up the middle. El Paso likely had one more shot to get it done. They stuck to the ground and ripped off some big gains, Thomas for 9, Rashaan for 14, Thomas again for 9. Finally, with about 40 seconds left on the clock, McGwire faked a pitch out to Thomas and threw a quick strike to Rashaan Salaam, who powered past Ray Brown’s arm tackle and struck pay dirt. With so little time left, Chicago couldn’t get close enough for one more shot at the end zone and regulation ended with the teams tied at 28. Bring on the kickers!

Midfield was cleared as a good-sized log was set up 10 feet off the ground over a small pool of water. The contest for the kickers today was to balance on the log using a 9 foot long quarterstaff and try to knock the other kicker off the log (a la Robin Hood). Whomever is first to knock the other off twice wins. The only other challenging thing about the contest is after the first tilt, the log would spin slowly clockwise via motorized engine for 10 seconds and then switch directions every 10 seconds thereafter.

El Paso's Scot "Missin'" Sisson looked comfortable balancing on the log, twirling the quarterstaff as he inched towards Chicago's Little Foot. Sisson tried to end the first tilt quickly with a quick swing towards Little Foot's upper body, but Little Foot backed away and the staff whooshed by him, causing Sisson to stumble a bit to keep his balance. Little Foot leaped in to try and sweep Sisson's legs, but Sisson blocked the swing easily. Both kickers stared at each other, making little feints to try and draw off the other's attention. Sisson took another swing at the upper body, and just as Little Foot raised his staff to block, Sisson pulled back hard on the upper part of the staff to bring the low end in for a big hit on Little Foot's back, which easily knocked him off the log, giving El Paso a 1-0 lead in the best-of-three tilt.

The spinning log on the second tilt seemed to really mess with Little Foot's head. He spent more time dealing with the balance than he did trying to attack Sisson. The bout was over when Sisson beautifully timed the log's reverse spin by shifting the low end of the quarterstaff where he anticipated Little Foot's feet would go. He guessed correctly. He flung his weight down on the other end of the staff and catapulted Little Foot off the staff into the edge of the pool. El Paso carried Missin’ Sisson off the field as McGwire whooped and hollered. El Paso pulls off a surprise win 31-28 to start the season 1-0.

*****

Brimingham starts their season with high hopes of challenging for a title, but they need their offense to step up as the defense has. Fargo is hoping to show some significant improvement after having added four players including two top 5 picks. Only one team got their wish today.

Birmingham put the pedal to the metal and never let up. OG Another Troy blasted holes in the soft belly of the ‘Fish defense and, despite a heroic effort by DT The Defense (8 tackles), allowed Olympian running back Roman to run wild, scoring twice on the day and racking up 105 yards. The pass rush and coverage was even worse, as Zeus Reloaded had plenty of time to hit WRs Hercules and Ahhnold Schwartzeneggar for TDs. On defense, it was just as ugly for the ‘Fish. QB Poopiehead had a crappy day in his debut, throwing for 198 yards and an interception return for a touchdown by S Odysseus. Rookie OT Charlie was able to hold his own against DE Atlantis, but OT Stud wasn’t quick enough to defend against DE Another Atlantis’ speed on the edge, and Another Atlantis had two sacks and 5 hurries on the day. Even the Glutton For Punishment / Ty Wick / Ray rushing offense could gain only 80 yards and one TD on the day. The Olympians found their offensive guns against the ‘Fish and won handily 35-7.

*****

The Stars worked this offseason to improve their offensive and defensive lines, while the Chaps were unable to find a star in the offseason to help them out. Can Cincinnati’s steady but unspectacular units get them enough wins?

LA came out and dominated early with their ground game. Young guards Mark Goodman and Howard Stern helped clear the way for Rodney Dangerfield to run inside while OTs Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. sealed the corners on sweeps, letting Dangerfield run wild all over the field to the tune of 145 yards and 3 TDs. The OL did the trick giving QB Bernie Mac all day to throw and passing for 190 yards and 1 TD, with 120 yards and the TD going to WR Ashton Kucher, fresh off his second-team all-ZFL selection. Prinze Jr. had an especially strong performance in holding Strong Mad to no sacks on the day. Could the Cincinnati offense answer the Star barrage?

Er, no. The Chaps offense is average at best, and that’s not going to get it done against the Stars while Brad Pitt roams the middle, Toby McGwire rushes the passer, and Ray Liotta solidifies the secondary. Pitt was monstrous today with 16 tackles and 2 sacks, preventing Cincinnati from gaining any consistency on the ground and mixing up solid coverage and effective pass rushing. Liotta picked off a pass and put some teeth-rattling hits on the Chaps receivers. And finally McGwire put constant pressure on beleaguered Chaps QB Mr. Shmallow, garnering 3 sacks in the process. LA reincarnates the old Star Crush for a game and puts the hurt to Cincinnati 28-0.

*****

Despite prognosticators down on their teams, Little Rock and Knoxville had much to hope for after offseason additions to their defenses to combine with star-filled offenses.

It was a rough start to the season for the defenses. Rookie Slick Willie safety Red Herring put up a good fight against all-time ZFL great WR Jackson Jackson, but with some weaknesses at DT and MLB, the Knoxville OL was able to devote double-teams to DT Henry Blitzen and DE L.L. JeeberD, giving Knoxville QB Thumbless Jackson plenty of time to hit his favorite target to the tune of 160 yards and 2 TDs. Teammate Luke Jackson chipped in 122 yards and a TD. Leon Jackson had similar success on the ground, sticking the Willies for 131 yards and 3 TDs.

Little Rock had the answer with the tandem of RB Rajah Saleem, who had a typically great day with 175 yards and 3 TDs rushing, and second-year QB Johnny “Aint” Rotten, who actually had more success throwing to Rajah (68 yards and a TD receiving) and FB Johnny “Kid” Rock (55 yards and a TD receiving) than he did to WR Bruce Spinner (41 yards, no TDs), who was well-covered by Pro Bowl CB Deion Jackson.

The game came down to one play with Little Rock on offense at the Knoxville 40 late in the fourth quarter down 7. LR OG Rudolphy Rudy was supposed to slide over and help fellow OG John Boy Eddison double-team ‘Neck DT Josiah Jackson, but wasn’t quick enough to get over in time. Josiah Jackson was able to move Eddison out of the way and put some rare pressure on Johnny Rotten. Rotten, surprised, threw one up for grabs that Deion Jackson picked off and immediately went down to one knee. Leon Jackson ran out the clock and Knoxville came away winners in a wild one 42-35.

*****

With two top defensive teams like the Muscle Men and the Sea Biscuits, you know the score wasn’t going to be anything like the preceding game. In fact, both teams’ combined score didn’t equal HALF the losing squad’s score from the previous game.

The Sea Biscuits struggled a good bit on offense today. Rookie DT No Name Necessary had a great showing in his first game in actually winning a share of battles against OG Eric Flamebeard of the Neither Here Nor There. His success helped linebackers Superman and Zach Thomas to have solid days both in stopping the run and in pressuring PT QB Paddy O’Leary. Paddy O' looked a little shaky out there today with only 170 yards and a pick, but he did manage to get 110 of those yards and a TD to the Manchild, Manfred von Richthofen. Portland’s offensive line normally gives more of a boost to the running game, but without their usual push thanks to great efforts from the Muscle Men LBs and No Name Necessary, Portland could manage only 85 yards and a touchdown from Lothar Dirtpounder.

Those scores would all be enough however, because Portland’s D came to play. The Military Middle dominated the weak Muscle Men guards and swallowed up RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer, allowing them to combine for only 44 yards on the day. OT No Sacks Allowed looked like his back was in great pain the whole game and gave up a sack and 5 hurries to rookie Sea Biscuit DE Dr. Hans Schlotnik. The pressure up the middle from DTs Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto, from Schlotnik, and the excellent play of the Portland secondary reduced Muscle Men QB Dan Marino Jr. to total ineffectiveness (110 yards, 2 INTs by CB Master Hu Li). Portland shuts out Milwaukee 14-0.

*****

After the additions this offseason, San Antonio is the hands-down favorite to win the revrew trophy this year. Albuquerque’s offseason moves provided some minor improvement, but no huge boon to the team. Easy win for San Antonio to start the season right?

Maybe we should wait a little while before anointing San Antonio ZFL kings.

The usually reliable SA DE All Pro couldn’t get past OT Ralph Wiggum’s stellar blocking. That meant All-World Moe Sizzlack had time to throw. That meant he could target the weak link in the San Antonio defense. Sure enough, WRs The Cheat and Quagmire took turns toasting new starting CB Bryant Westbrook as Albuquerque took the early 7-0 lead. San Antonio took aim at the unimpressive AQ defensive line with their smashmouth attack, with OG Lone Star eventually clearing the way for RB Mutt to score on a 5-yard run up the gut. The contrast in styles continued as the Isotopes continued to have great success moving the ball through the air. S Godzilla Blitz eventually tried to cheat over and give Westbrook some help on Quagmire, but Sizzlack gave a great pump fake and hit a wide open The Cheat for a 40-yard TD strike. San Antonio kept the pace on the ground and scored with a minute to go until halftime on a nifty 7-yard run by FB Teeny.

In the end, San Antonio scored three times on the ground and Albuquerque scored thrice through the air, which was fortunate for them as they couldn’t get anything going on the ground. The usually solid backfield duo of Guy Incognito and FB Drederick Tatum couldn’t get anything going, as the mediocre Isotope guards were tossed aside by DTs Aragorn and Sack U, while reigning league MVP Ray Lewis did his part in crushing the Albuquerque ground game. SA was able to move the ball in the passing game, but could come away with no TDs.

San Antonio had a final chance in regulation to put away the victory with a 4th and goal from the 2 with only seconds remaining. Everyone knew what was coming: a run behind OG Lone Star, the only question being who would take it: RB Mutt or FB Teeny. The ball was snapped and Leaf handed off to Teeny, who put his head down and barreled into the line. But in a shocking move, Albuquerque run blitzed six players to stuff the play and send the game into overtime…

…but wait, is that wily veteran QB Leaf sneaking off to the side? Unreal! A play-action naked bootleg putting Leaf alone in the flat headed towards the left sideline and end zone. Unheralded Isotope DE Kearney almost made the play of his career by switching directions from almost jumping into the pile after Teeny to sprinting out to catch Leaf (not the most nimble QB, many others could’ve scored just running the ball there), but with the clock reading 00:00, Leaf floated a pass to wide open rookie receiver Cool Finlandia, who caught the ball for his first ZFL TD. Good defensive call by Albuquerque, but San Antonio was well-prepared and squeaks away with a 28-21 victory.

Standings:

PT 1-0 (0) (tied)
LA 1-0 (0) (tied)
BH 1-0 (7)
SA 1-0 (21)
EP 1-0 (28)
KX 1-0 (35)
MW 0-1 (14)
AQ 0-1 (28) (tied)
CN 0-1 (28) (tied)
CH 0-1 (31)
FG 0-1 (35)
LR 0-1 (42)

[sachmo71]

Whoa, that was close! Good game, Albuquerque!

[JeeberD]

El Paso's in first place!!!!!!! :eek:

OK, it's a six way tie, but still... :D

[Swaggs]

Sonofabitch!

[tucker342]

Oh ya! Undefeated!:D

[The Afoci]

Ouch.

[korme]

damn you marmel!

[Marmel]

damn you marmel!


I own you, you little bitch.

[tucker342]

bump

[JAG]

Guys, I'm very sorry about this one. When I was doing the results for week 2, I realized that I had miscounted something from the week before. I need to set the record straight on a game from the first week and redo stats and thus the writeup for that game for this evening. After that (hopefully the last f-up for a while :) ), I should have week 2 later this evening or Tuesday the latest.

[sachmo71]

Rookie.

:D

[NevStar]

Yeah, I figured Ryan Leaf couldn't win a close game. He's Ryan Leaf!

[JeeberD]

:(

Please say El Paso didn't lose...

[JAG]

Week 1 Revisited

El Paso - Chicago

The game started off with a big crunch, as RB Randy Steele of Chicago’s first run of the day went for 7 yards up the gut behind a huge Tom Sanders pancake of El Paso DT Dan “Little Sister” Wilkinson and was brought down with a heavy hit from behind by MLB Brian Bosworth. Chicago kept to the ground for most of their first drive with great success and ended with a 4 yard Steele scamper outside (trying to stay away from Bosworth) for a 7-0 Chicago lead. El Paso immediately went to their own running game to counter. They had a good plan for the day: see if the offensive linemen can handle one-on-one blocking against the rookie Chicago DTs and leave FB Rashaan Salaam to lead block on MLB El Capone. While the strategy didn’t do wonders for Salaam’s running stats for the game, with his excellent blocking on Capone, RB Blair Thomas was given plenty of space to run. At the Chicago 39, El Paso lined up both receivers on the right side of the field and sent them on go routes, leaving the Chicago secondary no choice but to cover them down the field. McGwire snapped the ball to Thomas, who followed his blocks perfectly and then threw a move on ancient 35-year-old Chicago OLB Ray Brown to leave him in the dust as he zipped down the left sideline for a long TD gain to tie the game at 7.

In the end, both sides did great running the ball, garnering almost equal totals and getting 3 TDs a side (Steele 104 yds and 2 TDs, Hackenstein 60 yds and 1 TD, Thomas 135 yds and 3 TDs). Special mention has to be given to Tom Sanders, who even when double-teamed was able to get a good push for El Paso. Neither passing game was much to write home about. Chicago put the clamps down with S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper playing tight coverage on the El Paso wideouts all over the field, frequently leaving Dan McGwire no place to throw the ball. Chicago’s aerial attack faired little better, as El Paso’s secondary of S Patrick Bates and CB Tommy Knight were able to handle Chicago’s receivers.

Chicago had a final chance to win it in regulation late in the fourth quarter. With about 57 seconds left and facing 4th and goal from the 11, they had little choice but to put the ball in the air. They set receivers Chad Spears and rookie O. DeJuan Gavly to run crossing routes with Hackenstein and Steele staying in to block in a max protect scheme. El Paso lined up in a conventional defense, looking to play man-to-man with Bates on Gavly and Knight covering Spears. When the ball was snapped, the play broke down quickly for Chicago, as Spears tripped over his feet and fell down and OG Mark “Plays Like” Sheet got steamrolled by unremarkable El Paso DT Danny Noonan (fortunately for Chicago they kept their backs in to block or it would’ve been an easy sack). To make matters worse, when MLB Brian Bosworth saw the two Chicago running backs stay in to block, he ran full speed for QB Mike Marino to generate more pressure. He blew past the Chicago tackles and launched himself at Marino, who had to throw the ball before he was completely ready and with Gavly having gotten almost no separation from Patrick Bates. Just before he was pasted by Bosworth, Marino threw a perfect ball to the near right corner of the end zone low where only Gavly could make a play on it. Gavly dove, arms outstretched and………………….




















and………………….




















CAUGHT IT! Yes, a Chicago wideout actually caught a touchdown pass (granted, the throw was better than the catch considering Bosworth’s pressure on Marino and the placement of the throw). El Paso had time for one more McGwire bomb down the field, but S Shut Down’s coverage was perfect (the receiver had to play defense on the play) and pulled in a game-ending INT to complete a Chicago victory over El Paso 28-21.

Revised standings after Week 1
PT 1-0 (0) (tied)
LA 1-0 (0) (tied)
BH 1-0 (7)
SA 1-0 (21) (tied)
CH 1-0 (21) (tied)
KX 1-0 (35)
MW 0-1 (14)
AQ 0-1 (28) (tied)
CN 0-1 (28) (tied)
EP 0-1 (28) (tied)
FG 0-1 (35)
LR 0-1 (42)

[JeeberD]

Bring back revrew! We need a new commish!!! :mad:




;)

[illinifan999]

Excellent. 2nd round pick making himself useful in the first game. :D

[JAG]

Week 2:

Week 2 had a little something for everyone. You like blowouts? We’ve got a couple for you. You like surprises? We’ve got a pretty good one cooked up for you. Inept offenses? Oh yeah. Teams going from Jekyll to Hyde from week 1 to 2 and teams showing the same old same old? Check and check. Without further ado…

*****

Portland was coming off a dominating win over the Muscle Men in week 1 while Fargo was looking to bounce back from a crushing defeat by the Olympians. How could Fargo hope to stand against the 2007 ZFL champs?

Portland started off moving the ball with ease down the field, keeping a good mix of runs and passes. However, as they lined up for a 4th and goal, a rare lapse by a Portland offensive lineman, OT Lothar von Richthofen, allowed DE Chesty to pressure QB Paddy O’ into an incompletion. An early bit of good fortune for Fargo…

…that was instantly wiped out on the next play. QB Poopiehead snapped the ball and turned to take a 7-step drop. After 4 steps, he was blasted from behind by Military Middle DT Captain Bipto, who went completely unblocked by ‘Fish OG Largesmallboobs. Poopiehead couldn’t hold onto the ball and Captain Bipto picked it up himself to score on a short TD return. Things went downhill from there for the ‘Fish. Running outside to stay away from the tough Portland DTs, Glutton for Punishment had some success on the ground (85 yards, 1 TD), but Poopiehead never recovered from his first offensive play of the day, throwing for only 135 yards and an INT (Portland CB Master Hu Li’s 3rd in 2 weeks). Meanwhile, Portland didn’t fail to score again, with WR Manfred von Richthofen catching 8 passes for 154 yards and 2 TDs and Lothar Dirtpounder pounding out 144 yards and 2 TDs running behind the great Portland offensive line. The Fighting Crawfish had déjà vu all over again this week and lose again 35-7.

*****

Cincinnati tried to right their ship this week against El Paso, their former partner in expansion, after getting beat down by the LA Stars in Week 1. El Paso was coming off a disappointing loss to Chicago and was hoping rookie QB Dan McGwire could step it up against the Chaps.

El Paso came out of the gate going to their short passing game, with McGwire picking on Chaps CB The Blacksmith. McGwire was able to sidestep the rush and easily pick apart Cincinnati’s secondary in a fantastic first half performance of 233 yards passing, 3 TDs, and no INTs. Former first round pick QB Mr. Shmallow tried to answer McGwire’s performance, but MLB Brian Bosworth had a great first half in covering the middle to near side of the field and Mr Shmallow could only manage 100 yards passing and a TD. The score at halftime was 21-7 in favor of El Paso.

The second half saw more Buster domination as they turned their attention to the ground after having softened up the Chap defense. All-Pro FB Rashaan Salaam had a great half picking up 75 yards (most coming on second-effort runs) and a TD, while RB Blair Thomas chipped in 62 yards and a TD. The score was 35-7 late in the fourth when Cincinnati was able to get a garbage time TD by FB Pom Pom to bring the final score to 35-14 El Paso, as the Busters equal their win total from last year in week 2 of this season.

*****

After a poor offensive performance against the always-tough Portland defense, Milwaukee was looking forward to having the Isotopes in town. Albuquerque was wondering how they had such a tough draw with defenses these first two weeks, having to deal with the solid Musclemen linebackers and rookie DT No Name Necessary.

Scary as the Muscle Men defense is, the Isotopes were able to score against the Margaritas, so they should be able to go crazy on anyone, right? Well, Milwaukee came to play today. Albuquerque couldn’t accomplish much with their running game today. DT No Name Necessary turned a number of plays outside, where OLB Superman was ready to take down RB Guy Incognito. The only play of note Albuquerque was able to get anything on was a great double-team block on Superman by OT Ralph Wiggum and FB Drederick Tatum, springing Incognito for a 29 yard TD run. Albuquerque had to turn to their passing game to get more production. However, with Superman patrolling from side to side and MLB Zach Thomas showing good range in the middle, the Isotopes had to look to dump-off passes and deep passes to get anything going. With good pressure from the Milwaukee front and good coverage from both CB Pattrick Surtain and S Brock Marion, Sizzlack was only able to connect on two bombs for TDs, one each to WR The Cheat and WR Quagmire. Holding the Isotopes to 21 points is very respectable, but could Milwaukee come out firing on all cylinders offensively to take advantage of their defensive effort?

Surprisingly, Albuquerque put the clamps down on defense. Milwaukee’s QB Dan Marino Jr. had troubles with consistency which stalled a number of drives, while RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer had trouble finding daylight with DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz eating up space in the middle and OLB Kearney shedding blocks on the outside. In all, Williams managed a respectable 101 yards and a TD on the day, but he wasn’t the playmaker Milwaukee needed to make a difference. Without the consistency in the passing game and with the offensive line giving an overall poor performance, too many Muscle Men drives stalled and the Isotopes walked away with a 21-7 victory.

*****

Chicago was coming off a game where they won, but gave up 3 TDs on the ground and now faced ZFL superstar RB Rajah Saleem. Little Rock was coming off a typical Thumbless torching. This game would actually be quite similar to Chiacgo’s first one in three ways.

The first was that Chicago’s wrecking ball attack was not slowed in the least by the Little Rock front 6 (160 yards and 3 TDs total on the day). Despite the Slick Willies boasting some studs on the DL, it takes a very tough defense to slow down Chicago’s excellent offensive line (here’s where we throw in the name Tom Sanders) and running backs (here’s where we mention Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein. Get used to hearing these guys’ names, not like you aren’t already).

The second was that Chicago’s air attack was mainly pitiful, as it was against El Paso. Mike “Air” Marino’s blood pressure these past two games looked as if it was going to be fatal if he had to keep watching WR Chad Spears break off his routes early or OG Mark “Plays like” Sheet whiff on another block of a Little Rock defender. Rookie safety Red Herring was especially solid in coverage for Little Rock, smashing the few Eagles who actually caught the ball near him and Marino could only manage 131 yards and 1 INT on the day.

The third was that Chicago’s run defense failed to contain an opponent’s ground game. RB Rajah Saleem routinely made something out of nothing and broke off huge gains both inside and outside, and finished with 174 yards and 3 TDs on the day.

The only question left to answer was, how would Chicago’s solid young secondary hold up against the Slick Willie budding star QB Johnny Rotten? The answer was: quite well. For most of the game, Johnny Rotten was kept from doing much damage due to the outstanding coverage by the Chicago defensive backs on Little Rock’s receivers. Little Rock was finally able to muster up an attack at the very end of the fourth quarter. Johnny Rotten, looking for a little fourth quarter magic on a fourth down pass, saw WR Bruce Spinner get a step on CB Sean Sharper and threw a dart at him that he caught…but just as quickly as he caught it, the ball was separated from him by a bone-crushing hit from safety Shut Down, who was in the area due to a poorly run route from WR Carlton Bender. The referee ruled no catch and with no time left on the clock, the game was tied at 21 all. Bring on the kickers!

Fans watched as two of the league’s least accomplished kickers, Little Rock rookie Mr. Ed Jr., who appeared quite nervous for his first official bout, and Chicago’s Little Foot, took the field. Surprisingly, the battle chosen was one of wits and not of physical prowess. The kickers each sat down on opposite sides of a board of backchesseckers, a rarely-seen combination of backgammon, chess, and checkers, as 100-foot picture screens were set up around the stadium so the crowd could see the “action”. It was clear from the start that neither kicker had played before (Bruce Handily probably would’ve had a good laugh at their strategies), but Mr. Ed Jr. seemed to pick things up fairly well, and had a great move when he rolled double 4s and his bishop triple-jumped two pawns and a knight of Little Foot’s pieces. Little Foot, flustered, made a rookie move 3 moves later when he rolled a 7 and moved his queen into a prime position to get jumped. Mr. Ed Jr. only needed to roll a 5 or higher (or double-2s) and did by rolling a 6, jumping Little Foot’s queen with his knight and, by moving it to the other end of the board, made his knight a combination king-queen. Little Foot knocked over his king in disgust, indicating his resignation. Little Rock wins 24-21.

*****

LA had a solid effort in crushing the Chaps week 1 while San Antonio was able to squeak out a win against the Sizzlack-led Isotopes. The champs must’ve breathed a sigh of relief going from facing Kid Gruesome to facing QB Bernie Mac.

San Antonio decided they were going to run early and often to slow down the Toby McGwire pass rush and not put their receivers in a position where they were going to be blasted by Ray Liotta. Despite Brad Pitt having a terrific day tackling (16 tackles), the Margaritas had their way on the ground, garnering about a 2:1 time of possession advantage to go along with 153 yards and 3 TDs (2 from RB Mutt, 1 from FB Teeny), while WR Finlandia, The Chilly pulled in a TD along with 83 yards receiving. The Stars’ offense meanwhile couldn’t generate much all day against San Antonio. Bernie Mac was tortured by Ray Lewis in coverage (1 INT) and pass rushing (2 sacks), with the whole Margarita defense totaling 8 sacks on the day. Even the vaunted Rodney Dangerfield-led running game of LA could only total a sad 58 yards and 1 TD. San Antonio flexes its muscles behind a 28-7 stomping of the Stars.

*****

A great matchup today of offense vs. defense with the vaunted Redneck offense taking on the Olympians’ divine defense. Which side of the ball would be the winner today?

On the first play of the game, offense won. QB Thumbless Jackson threw up a terrific pass to a galloping WR Jackson Jackson who sprinted past Birminham secondary weak-link CB Hektor for a 74 yard TD. After that, the Olympians decided they needed more pressure on Thumbless to have a shot at winning and told DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis to essentially abandon defending the run and concentrate solely on taking down the QB. The strategy was successful overall, as Thumbless was limited to 140 yards passing and a TD to Luke Jackson for the remainder of the game, while the Atlantis brothers totaled 4 sacks and 8 hurries. The Olympians were able to pick up some good yardage against the Knoxville defense, but their offense kept stalling as they would get within scoring range. Finally, just before halftime, RB Roman took a plunge behind guard Another Troy for a 3 yard TD and brought the score to 14-7 in favor of Knoxville.

Midway through the third quarter, the Olympians were able to get another short yardage plunge using the same combination as they did before halftime and tied the game at 14-14. On the ensuing Knoxville possession, the ‘Necks finally were able to use Atlantis’ aggression against him on their own 45 yard line with a draw play to his side of the field. RB Leon Jackson took the ball, picked up a nice block from FB Jarret Jackson on OLB Aristotle, and shot down the sideline. Safety Odysseus charged hard from the other side of the field, but at the Olympian 10, Leon put on the breaks and cut to the middle. Odysseus overran him and Leon Jackson went in for a 21-14 Knoxville lead. The rest of the game was a variety of long drives but in a bit of a surprise, Knoxville’s defense bent but didn’t break. The ‘Necks knock off one of the preseason favorites by a score of 21-14 and keep their undefeated record another week.

Standings after week 2

PT 2-0 (7)
SA 2-0 (28)
KX 2-0 (49)
LA 1-1 (28) (tied)
BH 1-1 (28) (tied)
AQ 1-1 (35)
EP 1-1 (42)
CH 1-1 (45)
LR 1-1 (63)
MW 0-2 (35)
CN 0-2 (63)
FG 0-2 (70)

[JeeberD]

So how long before this win is revoked... ;)

[JAG]

LOL! :D

I do have to apologize again though, that reversal the first week was cruel...but at least I have illinifan solidly in my corner. :)

[JeeberD]

Not a problem, but only because I know you're a faithful Cowboys fan. If it had been a Niners or Skins fan who had done that there would have been hell to pay... :D

[illinifan999]

Stupid kicker.

[sachmo71]

Portland is looking GOOD!

[sachmo71]

Dola...

Just posting this so I don't have to look at the other thread for the schedule.

2008 ZFL Schedule

Week 2008 Season
1 CH - EP FG - BH SA - AQ LA - CN PT - MW LR - KX

2 CN - EP MW - AQ KX - BH LR - CH PT - FG LA - SA

3 PT - EP LR - LA KX - SA MW - FG CN - CH AQ - BH

4 BH - EP CH - AQ FG - CN SA - MW LA - KX PT - LR

5 LR - EP PT - KX LA - MW SA - CN FG - AQ CH - BH

6 SA - EP LA - FG PT - CH LR - BH KX - AQ MW - CN

7 AQ - EP BH - CN CH - MW FG - KX SA - LR LA - PT

8 FG - EP SA - CH LA - BH PT - AQ LR - CN KX - MW

9 MW - EP KX - CN LR - AQ PT - BH LA - CH SA - FG

10 LA - EP PT - SA LR - FG KX - CH MW - BH CN - AQ

11 KX - EP LR - MW PT - CN LA - AQ SA - BH FG - CH

Schedule Highlights:

Week 1: The vaunted Sizzlack-led offense against the suffocating Magarita defense should make for a great opening week game. Little Rock rookie S Red Herring gets a huge test in his first game against the famed Knoxville receivers. A lot of competitive games for the opening week.

Week 2: The expansion teams (albeit a number of years later) go at it with El Paso looking for revenge from last season's loss.

Week 3: Another good week for offense vs. defense, as KX and AQ square off against SA and BH.

Week 4: OT Charlie, one of Fargo's first round draft picks, gets to tangle with an All-Pro DE in CN's Strong Mad.

Week 5: If MW-LA is tied at the end of 4, it will be a duel between perhaps the two most decorated kickers ever in the ZFL with Little Val Kilmer and Bruce "I'll kick your butt!" Handily. Also, two top young QB's duel in LR's Johnny Rotten and EP's Dan McGwire.

Week 6: Another Thumbless - Sizzlack duel and will we finally settle the Flamebeard - Sanders debate?

Week 7: Rookie DT's have a tough week with MW DT No Name Necessary gets to test his mettle against Chicago's OG Tom Sanders and LA's Bob Sagat against PT's Eric Flamebeard. Will Sanders have finally met his match? Will Flamebeard be disarmed against Sagat's wit and humor?

Week 8: Can Superman and the rest of the Musclemen defense hold off the Knoxville offense?

Week 9: Good battle of rookies on tap with Chap first round pick WR Population: Tire going head-to-head with LR S Red Herring.

Week 10: The PT - SA game determined the ZFL champion last year. Will it determine who wins the revrew trophy this year?

Week 11: Thumbless and rookie QB McGwire go head-to-head for the first time in their careers. Will the rook show up the veteran? Also, two top running teams collide in the Chicago - Fargo game.

[JeeberD]

Sach has a custom title now. I wish I could get a custom title... :(

[revrew]

SA gets EIGHT sacks against the LA O-line? No way. The Stars must have had a wicked off game. They're better than that. I think Bernie Mac is just an overrated QB who holds on to the ball too long.

(I'm givin' ya a hard time, JAG. You're doin' great. I just have a soft spot for the twin tackles in LA--no matter how hard I tried to demonstrate that they were among the elite OTs in the league, they just didn't seem to get the love in probowl voting and such. Keep up the good work.)

[Coffee Warlord]

I think Rev and JAG should peition Skydog to give custom titles to all former ZFL champions. Give us a little something else to play for. :)

[tucker342]

damn! Good game Knoxville

[digamma]

thanks, tucker.

sachmo, let's get it on.

[Marmel]

SA gets EIGHT sacks against the LA O-line? No way. The Stars must have had a wicked off game. They're better than that. I think Bernie Mac is just an overrated QB who holds on to the ball too long.

(I'm givin' ya a hard time, JAG. You're doin' great. I just have a soft spot for the twin tackles in LA--no matter how hard I tried to demonstrate that they were among the elite OTs in the league, they just didn't seem to get the love in probowl voting and such. Keep up the good work.)


Bernie really is not good, but there is no way that line gives up 2 sacks, nevermind 8. That sucks. :(

[JAG]

I know now why revrew is the author and I'm the struggling ZFL publisher (among other reasons I'm sure)...he apparently can write a good bit faster than I can. The game reports are taking me a good bit longer to write than I wish they would and I'm sorry you guys will have to wait yet again for them. To make things worse, the best time for me to write would be weekends, and I've been away the past two weekends (and leave today until Sunday evening as well). The good news is I will be home the following weekend, so I'll try to get a little ahead of myself to keep a better pace for the future. It's probably not going to be until Sunday evening or possibly Monday until I can get out Week 3.

I will say this though: Week 3 was a heck of a week.

[sachmo71]

Take your time. Don't let it become a job.

[revrew]

I know now why revrew is the author and I'm the struggling ZFL publisher (among other reasons I'm sure)...he apparently can write a good bit faster than I can. The game reports are taking me a good bit longer to write than I wish they would and I'm sorry you guys will have to wait yet again for them. .

JAG, been there.

The game reports do take longer than you might imagine. At this point, however, I have noticed you're going into a bit more detail...writing a bit longer descriptions than I did. It'll also go a bit smoother when you really get to know the players and see patterns emerging year after year (like the 'Military Middle' and MLBs who must be having great games because the line in front of them stinks). If you're keeping track of stats too...well, it takes a certain amount of prioritizing. How much of this am I going to do? And what can I cut out?

I'm glad to see the other guys are being patient. When I was cranking out 2-3 weeks of action per week, I was really going overboard, burnin' out.

[JAG]

Week 3
All I can say is “Wow”. The games really speak for themselves. Without further ado…

*****

No one really expected Portland - El Paso to be a close match-up. The Busters are young and still need help in numerous areas. The Sea Biscuits won their first two games easily and have championship aspirations this year. El Paso did, however, bring the 3rd ranked ZFL offense to the table.

As it turns out, they would need that 3rd ranking, as Portland’s offense exploded on El Paso today. G Erik Flamebeard of the Neither Here Nor There let out a booming laugh when he saw who the Busters trotted out to get past him. Danny Noonan? Dan “Little Sister” Wilkinson? Please. Flamebeard had a field day pancaking each of them (even getting both on one play, a play that will surely be on his future Hall of Fame highlight reel), which allowed Portland to put a number of bodies on El Paso star MLB Brian Bosworth. RB Lothar Dirtopunder started many of his runs 4 yards down the field and finished with 157 yards and 3 TDs. Portland had little trouble passing the ball either. Buster S Patrick Bates had his hands full covering WR Manfred von Richthofen, who had 112 yards and 1 TD on the day, while teammate WR Khan Ogadai was able to get 76 yards and a TD on a decent effort from CB Tommy Knight. QB Paddy O didn’t get sacked once on the day and was rarely even pressured (OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro, sometimes taken for granted, held DE Courtney Brown to no sacks and no tackles).

To stay in the game, El Paso needed their offense to click. One minor problem: that gaudy offensive ranking came against the likes of Chicago and Cincinnati, neither team which would be confused with Portland when it comes to defense. Running the ball against the Military Middle with their average OL was futile. Blair Thomas and Rashaan Salaam are usually solid backs, but when they were getting hit as they touched the ball in the backfield, they weren’t able to make any impact on the game. CB Master Hu Li and S Black Mage swallowed up the El Paso receivers and McGwire had his first taste of real ZFL defensive pressure. McGwire did have one good play this game to crow about; he got Black Mage to bite on a pump fake and hit a streaking WR Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth in stride for a 55 yard TD. Alas for El Paso, it wasn’t even close to enough. Portland gets another dominant victory, busting up the Busters to the tune of 35-7.

*****

The Muscle Men had a tough pair of games to open the season and struggled on offense, but the defense had overall been even better than last year. The ‘Fish were blown out in each of their opening games as their offseason personnel moves had yet to pay dividends.

This was to be another tough day for the Fargo offense (15 points in 2 games). The Ordinary Guys tandem of OG Ray and OT Charlie helped the right side of the line get a little push for a while, giving RB Glutton for Punishment a little room for a few decent runs, but overall, OLB Superman was his usual super self, flying through blocks and generally making like hellish for Fargo. DT No Name Necessary had an easy day lining up over OG Largesmallboobs and was frequently in the backfield on running and passing plays. QB El Poopiehead still has yet to figure out the ZFL, missing on some chances at times to hook up with both WRs Lobsterboy and Kaptian Insano. On one throw, he had a Neil O’Donnell-to-Larry Brownesque INT pass to CB Patrick Surtain. In the end, Fargo was able to move the ball on the ground some (60 yards each from Glutton for Punishment and Ty Wick), but finished with no points on the day.

The Fighting Crawfish defense was left to bail out the struggling offense. Unfortunately for Fargo, the defense struggled for a third straight week. The Muscle Men, who had issues with their OL through the first two weeks, were able to hold the line against the inferior Fargo DL, finally giving RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer a chance to shine. Bulldozer had a terrific day blocking against the Fargo LBs as MLB Santa was too inexperienced to get into better position and OLB Chris was just far too overmatched. Williams both slashed and powered his way to 118 yards and 3 scores, while WR Lightning flashed for a TD after getting behind safety Safety Boy, as Milwaukee got their first win on the season 28-0.

*****

The Stars have played the good (San Antonio) and the bad (Cincinnati), so it’s only fitting that this week they play a team (Little Rock) that won in an ‘ugly’ kickers’ duel last week. Little Rock’s had its share of exciting games with a close one it eeked out in Chicago and a shootout with Knoxville where it fell just short. This game had special meaning to the Stars however as fans in LA were highly critical this week of the offense’s performance, especially the offensive line and quarterback, after they gave up a franchise-record 8 sacks last week. To add to the fans’ concerns, lining up against OT Freddie Prinze Jr. would be DE L.L. JeeberD, one of the key cogs in Little Rock’s young defense.

The Slick Willies’s defense is still a work in progress however, and their run defense has been especially ragged to start the season. Nothing much changed there today, as RB Rodney Dangerfield carved up the Little Rock defense with help from his offensive line, finding room inside with OG Howard Stern holding off DT Henry Blitzen and rookie OG Mark Goodman easily pushing DT Rock Knutne around. Despite the success running inside, Dangerfield actually did even better running outside, as OTs Freddie Prinze Jr. and Mathew McConaughey were able to hold the edge against the Little Rock DEs and Slick Willie MLB Certain Breakout did not have the range to help on the outside runs.

The Stars’ passing game, however, didn’t come close to keeping up with their rushing game. QB Bernie Mac was inconsistent passing the ball again, at times staring at the Slick Willies’ pass rushers instead of downfield. Safety Red Herring picked off Bernie Mac twice and OLB Little Ray came up with an INT in the end zone to end a Star drive. On the day, WR Joe Pesci ended with 0 catches against CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick while Herring’s great coverage on Ashton Kucher held him to a mere 65 yards.

For the Slick Willies, QB Johnny Rotten enjoyed a similarly tough day throwing, managing only 140 yards and a TD, with S Ray Liotta gathering an INT for the Stars. However, Little Rock’s other offensive hero RB Rajah Saleem did not disappoint, as he was able to use his speed to get away from stud MLB Brad Pitt enough times to dent the Star defense, rushing for 121 yards and 2 TDs. The score stayed at 21-21 for most of the 4th quarter with Rajah helping the Slick Willies get better field position towards the end of the quarter. On the final play of the 4th from the Stars’ 15 yard line, Johnny Rotten rolled out to his right, looking for WR Bruce Spinner in the end zone. DE Toby McGwire got him to focus on something more pressing however, taking a great wide rushing line to go around Keith “Slap” Slapinski and flushing Johnny Rotten back towards the middle of the field. Alas for Rotten, the LA DTs were able to tie up the guards and free Brad Pitt to blast through the line. FB Johnny “Kid” Rock made a valiant effort to chip Pitt, but failed. Pitt crashed into Rotten from the front while McGwire finished him off from behind. To Rotten’s credit, he somehow held onto the ball and time expired with the score still tied at 21. Bring on the kickers!

Mr. Ed Jr. trotted out for the second consecutive week, but faced a far more impressive opponent this time around in long-time kicking great Little Val Kilmer. The kickers looked on as the field was set up for the competition. 2 sets of trampolines were brought out along each sideline and strategically placed from the end zone to the 50 yard line. A ribbon was tied across the first two end zone trampolines. The contest was for each kicker to perform three jumps on each trampoline, getting ‘air’ with each jump, before leaping to the next trampoline in the sequence. After jumping off the final trampoline, the kicker would then don 75-pound lead boots and do a 50-yard sprint to the goal line. First kicker to break the ribbon wins.

At the gun, both kickers were off and jumping. Both got off to very good starts, quickly getting used to the three short – one long jump pattern. At the 25 yard line, Little Val Kilmer pushed a little hard on his jump and missed the trampoline, forcing him to scramble back to the trampoline he jumped off and repeat his three jumps. Mr. Ed Jr. took advantage of this and slowed down his jumps a little, sacrificing speed for consistency. He finished the trampoline jumps a decent bit ahead of Little Val and started on the lead boot sprint.

Well, maybe ‘sprint’ was a bit too kind. The combination of the heavy weights plus having to deal with ‘normal’ gravity again forced Mr. Ed Jr. to settle into a slow, comical gait having to throw his whole body to take a single step, then throw it the other direction to move the other leg. He was only able to make it to the 40 yard line before Little Val finished his trampoline jumps. Little Val quickly put on the boots and chased after Mr. Ed Jr. It looked like Little Val’s powerful leg muscles gave him an advantage here, but would he have enough distance to catch up? Closer and closer Little Val narrowed the gap.

When Mr. Ed Jr. hit the 20, Little Val had neared to within 5 yards.

At the 10, Little Val was only a yard and a half behind.

At the 5, the two were neck and neck, but was Little Val slowing from the exertion of catching up?

At the goal line, the two burst through the ribbon simultaneously. A photo finish! Would the ZFL get its first ever tie?

The zebras convened to determine the outcome of the race. After carefully examining the film, it was clear who the winner was. Little Val at the last moment had ducked his head to reach the ribbon just in front of Mr. Ed Jr’s body. A great finish to a close match as Little Val Kilmer comes through for LA once again. Stars 24, Slick Willies 21.

*****

The Margaritas got lit up by Moe Sizzlack and the Isotopes back in week one, but Albuquerque couldn’t quite close the deal. How would the Margaritas match up against the Thumbless-led offense of Knoxville? This two 2-0 teams squared off in this week’s marquee match-up.

Against the Olympians last week, Thumbless Jackson tried an early bomb to JJ which worked for a long score. This week on the first play, the ‘Necks ran a deep crossing route with Luke and Jackson Jackson. CB Bryant Westbrook got a bit confused and lost a step in covering JJ. Needless to say, that was plenty of room for Thumbless to hit him for Jackson Jackson’s second 70+ yard TD pass in two weeks, giving KX an early 7-0 lead. The Magaritas came back with a TD on their opening drive, behind a good mixture of passes to WR Cool Finlandia and Primetime, and runs by RB Mutt. On the next Redneck drive on the Margaritas 40 yard line, DE All Pro shot around OT Lucius Jackson and forced a Thumbless fumble which was scooped up by MLB Ray Lewis. Lewis returned the fumble 30 yards before being brought down by a streaking JJ.

The rest of the day belonged to San Antonio. The running game (Mutt – 124 yards and 2 TDs, Teeny – 22 yards, 1 TD) set up the pass as KX Safety Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson was victimized once each by the SA WRs. On defense, Knoxville was unable to get anything on the ground as OG Fort Sumter Jackson could only block one of the SA DTs (Aragon and Sack U) at a time. MVP Ray Lewis had enough freedom to make plays on RB Leon Jackson. Leon’s smooth moves are usually enough to get past most defenders, but Lewis and OLB Pops helped hold him to a paltry 48 yards on the day. With the running game ineffective, Thumbless had to take to the air more often than usual, and after a while, the SA DEs pinned their ears back and went straight for the QB. DE All Pro ended the day with 5 sacks and Ray O’ Light added another 3. With the relentless pressure and lack of running game, Thumbless could only manage one more touchdown. San Antonio gets a statement win with a 35-14 thrashing of Knoxville.

*****

Chicago was a game of backchesseckers away from a 2-0 start to the season, while the Chaps were coming off a pair of beatings the past two weeks and hoping to at least be competitive against the Eagles.

Their hopes were dashed in the first half as Chicago jumped out to a 21-0 lead on the strength of their wrecking ball attack. FB Josh Hackenstein laid down a devastating block on MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow, springing Randy Steele to a 38 yard TD, while midway through the second quarter, OG Tom Sanders pushed DT Eh, Steve! about 15 yards downfield to give Steele plenty of room on a 25 yard TD run. Steele finished the half…the half!...with 117 yards and 3 TDs. Chicago actually could’ve been up 28-0 as rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly had a couple of steps on CB The Blacksmith, but DE Strong Mad took a page from last season in bull rushing past OT Fatman Jones for a sack of Mike “Air” Marino.

After the first half, things started to get interesting. First, the Cincinnati offense, after a vicious tongue-lashing from QB Mr. Shmallow at the half, came out looking as inspired as they had all year. The Chaps connected on consecutive passes of 25 and 20 yards to WRs Senor Cardgage and Population: Tire respectively, on two of the finer passes Mr Shmallow has thrown (he completed them on S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper after all…of course, had he been under more pressure, he may never have had the chance to throw them). Finally, on the Chicago 8 yard line, RB Bubs scored on an outside run where FB PomPom laid out the ancient Eagle OLB Ray Brown, cutting the Chicago lead to 21-7.

Meanwhile, Chicago made a big adjustment at the half. Figuring Cincinnati would overplay the run and wanting to get their passing offense going after having scored 9 TDs running to 1 TD passing over the 5 halves they had played this year, they switched to a more vertical downfield attack. Early in the drive, Mike “Air” Marino dropped back to throw and hit WR Chad Spears on an 8 yard slant over the middle. Spears caught the ball (amazingly) but was then blown up by MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow. The hit separated Spears from the ball. Fumble! Marshmallow was the closest player to the ball and was able to pick it up on the second bounce. He had gone about 5 yards when he came face-to-face with OG Tom Sanders. As Sanders brought Marshmallow down, Fluffy Puff alertly lateralled the ball to S It’s Dot Com!, who was able to elude the rest of the Chicago offense and belly-flopped in the end zone. Are you kidding me? Cincinnati, with all its defensive struggles, scores on defense? The Chaps get a fantastic play to cut the Eagle lead to 7. But then the whistle blew. The zebras hurt the Chaps badly when they ruled that Spears never had possession of the ball and it was an incomplete pass, negating their defensive score. On Chicago’s ensuing play, Marino set up a screen pass to Josh Hackenstein with Tom Sanders in front along with a rare blocking assignment for RB Randy Steele. What followed was an amazing series of blocks by Steele and Sanders, along with Hackenstein rumbling through three would-be tacklers en route to a 68 TD pass that brought the score to 28-7 and sucked the wind out of Cincinnati’s sails. Chicago tacked on a late meaningless touchdown to WR O. DeJuan Gavly and hard-luck Cincinnati was on the wrong end of a blowout again, losing 35-7 to Chicago.

*****

The Olympians were upset by the offensive juggernaut Knoxville Rednecks last week and were looking to correct their mistakes against the similarly-offensively talented Albuquerque Isotopes. Flash back to last season: Sizzlack had one of his worst days against the Olympian defense, only getting 159 yards and a TD. Could Birmingham do it again?

The Olympian running game was solid today. The Isotopes especially had no answer to the simple Power Right running behind massive OG Another Troy, as HB Roman had a fine day with 104 yards and 2 TDs. But give Albuquerque’s defense credit, as they stepped it up for a second week in a row. Another Troy was too tough for the Isotope DTs, so they lined up Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz over OG Norman, who no one will confuse with A.T. Nelson routinely collapsed the pocket, giving DEs Disco Stu and Strong Bad some space to rush Olympian QB Zeus Reloaded. And with the great coverage by the Albuquerque secondary of S Troy McClure and CB James L. Brooks, ZR had little chance to pass the ball, mustering only 127 yards on the day. 14 points against the Isotopes is a sure bet for defeat.

But not today. Facing one of the top QBs in the ZFL, Birmingham gave the definition of an Olympian team effort. DTs Hera and Cyclopes were far too active for the mediocre Isotope guards to handle, while DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis switched sides with great frequency to take turns pulverizing poor rookie OT U Ripberger (OT Ralph Wiggum was able to hold the other side). The success of the Olympian DL allowed LBs Excaliber and Aristotle to key on RB Guy Incognito and FB Drederick Tatum, who managed a combined 63 yards rushing on the day. And although WR Quagmire picked up 96 yards and a TD over CB Hektor, S Odysseus had one of his career best performances in coverage in holding The Cheat to a mere 1 catch for 8 yards.

The Isotopes were able to move the ball a little in the 4th quarter running behind OT Ralph Wiggum and with time enough left for one play, were down 14-7 and had the ball on the Olympian 6 yard line. The Isotopes lined up both receivers on the right, with Tatum and Incognito in a Pro Set formation, Incognito on the left and Tatum on the right. The Olympians were showing blitz pre-snap. On the snap, Sizzlack dropped back into a passing stance with The Cheat running a corner route and Quagmire running towards the deep center. As Sizzlack dropped back to Incognito, he handed the ball off on a draw play right behind Ralph Wiggum. Wiggum was able to hold the point of attack long enough to allow Incognito to get up the field past the pass rushers and outside away from the linebackers to score on a wide run, tying the game at 14. Bring on the kickers!

Olympian kicker Uranus garnered fame last season as he became the first and only kicker to beat Bruce Handily. Sir Gary Coleman has had a mostly anonymous career with the Isotopes. The contest for today’s game was a simple one: an elephant race from one end zone to the other (no harnesses of course. You have to be a real man to be a kicker in the ZFL). First kicker to get their elephant to go 100 yards wins (as an aside, ZFL officials were privately pleased to see this game go to overtime, as they were unprepared for the costs associated with transport and care of the animals).

As the gun sounded, Sir Gary Coleman urged his elephant on by moving towards the rear of the elephant and swinging his legs down in a kicking motion. The elephant didn’t exactly move at breakneck speed, but did start moving towards the other end zone. Uranus didn’t fare quite so well. He tried slapping the elephant’s back, but the elephant didn’t budge. He then moved to punching and jumping up and down, but still no go. Finally, as the Coleman elephant had completed 30 yards, Uranus got desperate. He made his way to the front of the elephant and screamed in its ear in an effort to get it moving.

Bad move.

The elephant swung its trunk back and knocked Uranus clear off its back. Apparently the elephant didn’t like having its ear screamed in and proceeded to try and stomp Uranus. He quickly retreated, nimbly zigzagging away from the enraged beast. Fortunately, he was able to escape with his life, but his dismal performance led to his forfeiting the match to Sir Gary Coleman. The Isotopes come away with the victory 17-14 as the Birmingham slide reached two games.


Standings after Week 3:

PT 3-0 (7)
SA 3-0 (42)
LA 2-1 (49) tied
AQ 2-1 (49) tied
CH 2-1 (52)
KX 2-1 (84)
MW 1-2 (35)
BH 1-2 (45)
EP 1-2 (77)
LR 1-2 (87)
CN 0-3 (98) tied
FG 0-3 (98) tied

[Marmel]

If Little Val is not a first ballot Hall of Famer, then I don't know who is.

[JeeberD]

Bleh.

I guess it really could have been much worse...

[Coffee Warlord]

If Little Val is not a first ballot Hall of Famer, then I don't know who is.

Oh, I dunno. Maybe a pair of gentlemen named Erik and Manfred? :)

[sachmo71]

Odd how my defense is giving up so many more points this year, but it actually improved on paper.

And Portland is spooky.

[NevStar]

Oh, I dunno. Maybe a pair of gentlemen named Erik and Manfred? :)

What about "Chairman" Moe Sizzlack?

[Coffee Warlord]

What about "Chairman" Moe Sizzlack?

Only if you trade him to Portland.

[Marmel]

Btu Seriously, Little Val comes through time and time again. And don't forget his winning save in the game that decided the ZLF Title for LA a few years back. He is not even an A rated Kicker, merely a B+. but he comes through every time when the game comes down to a 1 on 1 matchup. I want to have his children.

[illinifan999]

If Little Val is not a first ballot Hall of Famer, then I don't know who is.
The Eagles backfield and Tom Sanders.

[revrew]

Marmel has a point about Little Val. Would have to go through and check his records, but I believe Little Val is among the most active kickers in ZFL history. He might need to knock off Bruce Handily to really be considered great....(oh, wait. Has he done that?)

You might be able to make a case, Marmel, if you went back and dug up Little Val's records. But first ballot? Can any kicker make the hall first ballot? Discuss amongst yourselves...

By the way...if book writing was a dynasty...revrew just hit the 24,000 word mark. (It's my third book, but this was is especially challenging. I've got 3 months to pump out 50,000 words--and it's nonfiction. Yikes.)

[sachmo71]

Hooray, Rev! What's the book about?

[JAG]

Marmel has a point about Little Val. Would have to go through and check his records, but I believe Little Val is among the most active kickers in ZFL history. He might need to knock off Bruce Handily to really be considered great....(oh, wait. Has he done that?)

You might be able to make a case, Marmel, if you went back and dug up Little Val's records. But first ballot? Can any kicker make the hall first ballot? Discuss amongst yourselves...

By the way...if book writing was a dynasty...revrew just hit the 24,000 word mark. (It's my third book, but this was is especially challenging. I've got 3 months to pump out 50,000 words--and it's nonfiction. Yikes.)

Agreed about Little Val. I'll do a little research after I post week 4 and see if he and Handily ever squared off and what their respective kicking records are.

Speaking of all that, I had some ideas about the ZHOF, but I'm going to wait a bit to discuss it as I have a few more things to iron out and I want to do a bit of research as well (it will coincide nicely with the kicker research).

BTW rev...good luck! Thanks for the update, good to hear from you as always.

[korme]

Hooray, Rev! What's the book about?
only making assumptions based on what i know of rev, i assume it is a how-to on making babies

[sachmo71]

only making assumptions based on what i know of rev, i assume it is a how-to on making babies

Nice one, Shorty!

[revrew]

Hooray, Rev! What's the book about?

At this point, about the only thing I'm confident of is the title. It is unbelievably harrowing to try to write a non-fiction book in 3 months. Most fiction books take 6 months. A non? 9 months to 1.5 yrs. So EVERYTHING is rough draft only at this point. So I won't give you any previews. But I will give you the title:

Brutally Honest: Talking with a God who can take it

I've got two other books I've written, but have never been published. A young adult fantasy book called Glenhaven's Son and my first, feeble attempt was a nonfiction called The Hopeful Hypocrite. I do have 5 books with my name on them, but they're all as an editor (my day job). You can check those out in the "Drew's Books" section of my website, www.storycraftcommunications.com

Ah, well, back to writing...

[JAG]

Week 4

El Paso had a rough outing last week against Portland. The games wouldn’t get much easier during their ‘Stretch of Death’ with Birmingham coming into town hopping mad after getting stomped by Albuquerque in last week’s elephant race (fortunately not literally).

Birmingham looked like a pissed team determined to win against El Paso. They went back to what had been successful in recent weeks, with HB Roman running behind OG Another Troy. MLB Brian Bosworth had an amazing day (19 tackles, 3 passes defensed), with most of his tackles coming on Roman. Unfortunately, the rest of his teammates didn’t provide much help, and Roman was able to pick up 94 yards rushing and 2 TDs on the day. The Olympian passing game had an impressive game considering the recent meltdowns in that area for them. WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar had a fine day catching 8 passes for 112 yards and a TD, and HB Roman chipped in on short receiving TD as QB Zeus Reloaded faced little pressure from the Busters’ DL.

28 points is a tall order against the Olympian D as El Paso quickly found out. Birmingham’s defensive line was far too talented for the Busters, and rookie QB Dan McGwire took a severe beating. DTs Hera and Cyclopes clogged the middle and allowed the Olympian linebackers OLB Aristotle and MLB Excaliber to make plays in the running game. If not for a nice flare from McGwire to FB Rashaan Salaam that went for a 15 yard TD, El Paso would’ve been shut out. As it was, for the second week, they could only manage a single touchdown in losing to Birmingham 28-7.

*****

Good match-up today in Portland, as the young Slick Willies were hoping to make a name for themselves by knocking off the 2006 champion Portland Sea Biscuits. That would be a challenging task however, as Portland has been rolling along this season, not even allowing an opponent to score more than a single touchdown.

That streak ended today. The Slick Willies used a good mix of runs and passes to move the ball somewhat well against the Portland defense. A nifty decoy play to RB Rajah Saleem allowed WR Bruce Spinner to be matched up on MLB Sectoid Commander. He wasn’t speedy enough to catch Spinner and, after a nice pass from QB Johnny Rotten, ran in for a 28 yard TD strike to give the Slick Willies the lead. On the following Portland possession, QB Paddy O’ had a throw tipped at the line by DE L.L. JeeberD which was picked off by safety Red Herring to give Little Rock another possession with good field position. They made good use of it with Rajah running off-tackle to avoid the Military Middle and eventually scoring on a 6 yard run as he threw a nice stiff arm to knock OLB Zoinks McAllister back into the end zone. Upset-minded Slick Willies 14, plain old upset Portland 0.

Portland reigned in their game plan, opting for a far more conservative plan than they had originally intended. RB Lothar Dirtpounder had some big runs following OG Erik Flamebeard’s blocks, eventually culminating in a 14 yard TD run to bring the score to 14-7 as the half ended. In the third, Little Rock was unable to convert their fourth downs, as Rotten’s favorite target WR Bruce Spinner was well covered by Portland CB Master Hu Li, while old and fading WR Carlton Bender lacked the burst to get separation from crafty safety Black Mage. Meanwhile, Portland’s ground game continued to churn out the yards as Dirtpounder busted out a 4 yard TD run off a great block by OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro on rookie DE L.L. AnotherJeeberD. 14-14 as the third quarter came to a close.

Saleem found the running especially tough in the fourth, as Portland looked exclusively for the outside run and took it away from him. When they tried to switch back to the middle, the Portland DTs beat the guards blocking them and combined with the linebackers to bring Saleem down before he could do much damage. Terrific defensive team effort on Portland’s part to keep the Slick Willies down. Portland got the ball back early in the 4th and settled in for a long drive. The Slick Willies knew what was coming most of the time, power runs up the middle behind Erik Flamebeard, but still could not stop it. Finally, Portland ran a little misdirection at the goal line, and as Dirtpounder ran towards the near pylon, WR Manfred von Richthofen, who didn’t have a great statistical day due to Portland’s conservative choice of offense (70 yards), sealed off CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick and allowed Dirtpounder to score his third TD on the day, giving Portland a 21-14 lead. Little Rock’s next offensive series was smothered and Portland was able to run out the clock on their final series of the day. Great team effort all around from Portland in getting Lothar Dirtpounder a huge day’s total of 191 yards as the Sea Biscuits move their undefeated record to 4-0.

*****

Cincinnati and Fargo locked horns on the field in the game of the weak. These two teams have been downright miserable and have been outscored through three games by a combined total of 196-35. Would you believe that this would turn into one heck of a game?

Cincinnati finally woke its slumbering offense against the pitiful ‘Fish defense. QB Mr. Shmallow’s offensive line was able to give him some protection, while WRs Senor Cardgage and Population: Tire were able to get separation against the Fargo secondary. Mr. Shmallow enjoyed one of his finest days in the ZFL throwing for 260 yards and 3 TDs. Meanwhile, the Fargo offense was finally able to get its running game going. The Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray had their way with the Chap defensive line, while MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow was introduced to the powerful blocking of FB Ty Wick…often from the ground looking up. RB Glutton for Punishment had a sensational day with 178 yards and 3 TDs against the overmatched Chat defense. Up until the fourth quarter, the Cincinnati running game and Fargo passing game were tough as well. DT The Defense was solid for Fargo (7 tackles), but he couldn’t make up for the shortcomings of his teammates, as RB Bubs and FB Pom Pom enjoyed a rare day of effectiveness, getting 90 yards and a TD and 65 yards and 1 TD respectively. QB El Poopiehead had a much easier game than usual, as WRs Kaptain Insano and Lobsterboy were too much for the Chap secondary, so much so that Poopiehead didn’t have to be that accurate to complete his passes to them (and he wasn’t). Through three, Insano had 90 yards and a TD, while Lobsterboy had 96 yards and a TD.

In the 4th, Fargo was driving on Cincinnati, but the Chap defense was able to force a 4th and goal from the 9. As El Poopiehead dropped back, Lobsterboy broke free from safety It’s Dot Com!’s coverage. El Poopiehead started to pull his arm back, but was brought down by defensive end’s Strong Mad’s furious rush around OT Stud. Now it was Cincinnati’s offense’s turn to try and come up with the big play with 5 minutes to go. Mr Shmallow calmed directed his team down the field, hit WR Senor Cardgage for short gains and handing off to RB Bubs who had some good pickups on the drive. Fargo valiantly tried to stem the tide on defense, but the Chaps kept marching closer and closer. On the Crawfish 24, the Chaps lined up in an I-formation. Mr Shmallow took the snap and gave a quick handoff to FB Pom Pom. OG So and So stepped forward and sealed off MLB Santa on the left. Pom Pom ran up and just bulldozed the heck out of 34-year old OLB Chris, giving himself a lot of open space. CB F. Swaggs was the last to have a chance at Pom Pom, but whiffed on the tackle as Pom Pom strutted into the end zone to give Cincinnati a 42-35 lead. Fargo tried a desperation heave to even the score, but El Poopiehead's throw was just too far off course for a diving Lobsterboy, giving the Chaps their first win on the season and sending Fargo to an 0-4 mark.

*****

Two team that had overtime games last week hooked up in the Albuquerque-Chicago match. It was a battle between one team tied for the second best offense in the league versus one tied for the fourth-worst, ahead of only such offensive luminaries as Fargo, Cincinnati, and Milwaukee. But, did you know the team with the second-best offense was Chicago? Yes, despite their passing game woes, the Eagles managed to rack up an impressive 84 points in 3 games to 59 by the Isotopes.

True to form, Chicago’s smashmouth attack was too much for the Isotopes. Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz put up a good fight, but OG Tom Sanders rolled over him. Without his presence, the Isotope line couldn’t manage to contain FB Josh Hackenstein or RB Randy Steele, as the pair combined for 155 yards and 3 TDs on the day. But in a recurring story (I’m really not just copying / pasting this from game to game), the Eagle passing attack was grounded. Rookie CB James L. Brooks used his athleticism to lock onto aging WR Chad Spears while S Troy McClure mixed in bump-and-run coverage with soft coverage, confusing rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly. QB Mike “Air” Marino once again had nowhere to go with the ball with his primary targets locked up.

As far as the Isotope offense, it might be a good reminder that although their overall offensive ranking was low heading into this week, they faced three of the toughest defenses in the ZFL in San Antonio, Birmingham, and Milwaukee. Chicago’s defense will not be confused with any of them. The Isotopes finally exploded on offense today. Chicago’s run defense had been their weak spot this season and today was no exception. RB Guy Incognito got help from OT Ralph Wiggum on a couple of his TD runs while FB Drederick Tatum provided assistance on the third. It would be left to Chicago’s talented secondary to contain QB Moe Sizzlack’s targets WR The Cheat and Quagmire. However, for the second game in a row, Chicago could not muster much in the way of a pass rush…and you know what happens if Sizzlack has time to throw. Chicago’s coverage was good, but Kid Gruesome was on fire and untouched much of the day (238 yards and 3 TDs), even those few occasions where MLB El Capone was able to bring some pressure on him. Chicago’s rushing attack rolls on, but Albuquerque unleashes the offense en route to a 42-21 victory and brings their record to 3-1 on the season.

*****

A key battle in the race for the revrew trophy took place today as the Knoxville Rednecks and LA Stars faced off with both teams knotted at 2-1. Considering the torrid pace being set by Portland and San Antonio, the loser today would probably have to concede their title hopes.

The game would end up being a high scoring one. Knoxville’s run defense could in no way stand up to LA’s offensive line and RB Rodney Dangerfield. The Stars had a little more success running off-tackle than inside, but Knoxville’s LBs Homsar and Opie Jackson had dreadful performances today allowing Dangerfield to run wild for 163 yards and 3 TDs. The passing attack wasn’t as successful, as CB Deion Jackson did a commendable job slowing down WR Ashton Kucher (72 yards, 1 TD) while S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson forced QB Bernie Mac to do just that with his coverage on WR Joe Pesci (2 catches for 16 yards).

Knoxville’s WR Jackson Jackson scoffed openly when he saw LA would try to cover him with a girl. CB Mira Sorvino had to put up with ‘Who’s your daddy’ comments all game long and for good reason: JJ ended the day with 203 yards and 3 TDs. Even though DE Toby McGwire had no problem beating OT Lucius Jackson a number of times and MLB Brad Pitt made an effort to get pressure on the QB, Thumbless’ quick release and the speedy separation JJ was getting prevented the pressure from being a factor. Pitt was a factor in limiting the damage from Knoxville’s running attack though, going sideline to sideline to bring down RB Leon Jackson, and holding him to 67 yards and 1 TD.

The two teams were knotted at 28 going into the fourth. Early in the period, Knoxville had the ball on the Stars’ 29 when they ran a running play up the gut. OG Lee Davis Jackson turned aside rookie DT Donovan Lork (he of preseason chicken fame) and FB Jarret Jackson had the tough call of a lead block on Brad Pitt. He gave a strong effort, but was knocked back by Pitt, who took aim at Leon Jackson…when he was knocked off his feet by a timely block from OG Fort Sumter Jackson. Leon zipped through the hole that appeared, juked OLB The Real Gus out of his shoes, and took off for a 29 yard TD that gave Knoxville a 35-28 lead. The Stars battled back with some strong running from Dangerfield, but on a play-action pass, Deion Jackson didn’t bite and picked off Bernie Mac’s pass to end LA’s last chance at tying the game. Knoxville moves to 3-1 while LA tumbles to 2-2.

*****

A battle of two top defensive squads today as the defending champion San Antonio Margaritas took on the Milwaukee Muscle Men. San Antonio had just been hitting its stride as of late, knocking of Knoxville 35-14 while the Muscle Men were coming off a throttling of Fargo 28-0.

The game quickly settled down into a series of 4 and outs by both sides. Milwaukee, which has struggled on offense this season against teams not named Fargo, had big problems in the center of their defense, where DTs Aragorn and Sack U had no problems handling the less-than-stellar play of the Milwaukee interior line, while DE All Pro had no problem beating OT No Sacks Allowed off the corner. No Sacks Allowed has really struggled this year since coming off his injury this past offseason. On the rare plays when FB Bulldozer or RB Ricky Williams had any room to run, they were quickly brought down by MLB Ray Lewis. Through three quarters, Milwaukee’s score was the same as it was at the beginning of the game.

But San Antonio uncharacteristically struggled today on offense as well. Through three games, they had had the highest scoring offense in the ZFL averaging over 30 points a game. Milwaukee brought them back to earth. At first, San Antonio figured on running the ball at the Muscle Men behind OG Lone Star, but MLB Zach Thomas made a good number of open-field tackles on RB Mutt, and DT No Name Necessary won enough of his share of battles with Lone Star that running up the middle didn’t hurt the Muscle Men. Then San Antonio went to string plays out to the sides, but OLB Superman made plays all over the field, consistently dropping Mutt in the backfield and preventing the Margaritas from doing much at all. Failing in the running game, the Margaritas took to the air. But Milwaukee, getting confidence from its handling of the running game, kept sending OLB Superman on blitzes and disrupted the timing of the Margarita passing game. QB Ryan Leaf must’ve felt like he was still on El Paso with the number of times he got hit and / or sacked by Superman. Through three quarters, San Antonio racked up 0 points as well.

The Margaritas started to gain some momentum in the fourth as they held Milwaukee to only 4 and outs for the period. Milwaukee’s defense looked like it was tiring some as it gave ground against the pounding from San Antonio’s offensive line. Milwaukee’s offense did a nice job playing cheerleader on the sidelines, urging the defense on while hoping the clock would run a little faster…and bring the game to overtime with K Bruce Handily. With about 20 seconds to go, San Antonio had brought themselves to 3rd and 10 from the Milwaukee 15. Leaf dropped back and watched as WR Cool Finlandia ran a slant away from CB Patrick Surtain and got a little room. Leaf’s pass would have to be right on the money though. He pulled his arm back…

And was blasted from behind by a charging Superman. The ball squirted loose and a big pileup ensued. In the end, the Margaritas recovered the ball (nice job by FB Mutt), but there was no time to run another play. Through 60 minutes, neither team could score even a point. So…bring on the kickers!

Steve McLaughlin of the Margaritas looked understandably nervous going against the king of kickers, Bruce “I’ll kick your butt!” Handily, who had lost only once before in his career…which incidentally was the last game in which he appeared. Fans seemed a bit confused when two classic Addams’ Family pinball machines were brought onto the field. What challenge was there in aa game of pinball? The answer was revealed when two other factors were introduced. The first was a set of headphones for each kicker, both blaring Pinball Wizard on recurring loop at 130 decibels. The second was a treadmill set up in front of each machine at the highest speed. So the two kickers would somehow have to keep their balance (and sanity) while getting the highest score on the pinball machine.

At once, it seemed as though Handily was more comfortable with the distractions, taking long strides on the treadmill and focusing closely on his pinball play. Despite that, apparently pinball wasn’t one of Handily’s best skills as he could only manage 520,000 on his first ball.

McLaughlin looked a lot more bothered by the external factors. He kept looking down to concentrate on the treadmill and winced at the melodic strains of The Who played at jet airliner volume. He had an inauspicious first ball as well and ended with 350,000.

Handily had a better second ball, getting Thing to take over his upper flipper, and managing to up his score to 2,394,000.

McLaughlin, however, had an amazing run with his second ball. He went on for about 5 minutes, getting a multiball and just about every Addams’ Family sound bite to play. After his last ball finally went straight down the center, he had taken the lead with 3,855,000. Would Handily go down to defeat again?

Not without a fight. Handily bore down for his final ball, hitting his flippers with lightning reflexes and looking far more comfortable than he did on the first ball. Despite it all, he was only able to overtake McLaughlin by a reasonable amount to 5,700,000. If McLaughlin had as good a run as he did on ball 2, he would be the victor.

The early part of McLaughlin’s final ball was action down towards the bottom of the machine, as he almost lost the ball down the side out, only to be saved by a lucky bounce. Slowly he closed in on Handily’s score. 4,500,000…4,900,000…5,200,000…

Well, he’s a pinball wizard, but there has to be a twist. The twist was, as he was concentrating on getting a perfect shot with the left flipper, he momentarily forgot about the treadmill…and flew off the back of it! The pinball bounced off his flipper harmlessly and ended his game. His final score read 5,450,000 which was not enough to overtake Handily.

Are you kidding me? In one of the ZFL’s biggest upsets in years, the 1-2 Milwaukee Muscle Men evened their record to 2-2 by beating preseason favorite San Antonio 3-0 and ended the champ’s unbeaten run at 15 games dating back to the final week of the 2006 season.



(and no JeeberD, I didn’t screw this one up. :) ).



Standings after Week 4:

PT 4-0 (28) (accidentally had this at 7 last week, should’ve been 14)
SA 3-1 (45)
AQ 3-1 (70)
KX 3-1 (112)
MW 2-2 (35)
BH 2-2 (52)
LA 2-2 (84)
CH 2-2 (94)
EP 1-3 (105)
LR 1-3 (108)
CN 1-3 (133)
FG 0-4 (140)

[Coffee Warlord]

Whooooo!

[digamma]

Alright!

[sachmo71]

I'm confused, but congrats to Milwaukee!

[DolphinFan1]

You're welcome Coffee. I think we just handed you the Championship.

Now, I don't want to hear any more talk about which kicker should go into the ZFL Hall Of Fame.

[Coffee Warlord]

You're welcome Coffee. I think we just handed you the Championship.

Now, I don't want to hear any more talk about which kicker should go into the ZFL Hall Of Fame.

I think it can still go to SA if we both win out, and they beat us in our meeting. I still fear SA. Just a little less now. :)

And we're sending Voodoo Jalisco to Milwaukee to brush up on his kicker skills.

[JAG]

I'm confused, but congrats to Milwaukee!

As you can tell from the writeup, I was a bit surprised as well, but Milwaukee already had a good defense before they added stud DT No Name Necessary (tied in the running for DROY with S Red Herring) in the draft...with him, they're downright scary. I doubt San Antonio will be the last team shut out by the Muscle Men this year.

But as CW pointed out, San Antonio can still pull off a title this year...if they win out. Every game is vital now. Of course, if Portland stumbles, then that could really open the race up to a multitude of teams.

Good stuff!

[NevStar]

It's the 'topes year!

PT beats SA
AQ beats PT

w00t

[sachmo71]

It's cool that I lost, but it hurts when the bubble breaks. :)

[Coffee Warlord]

It's the 'topes year!

AQ beats PT

HA!

[NevStar]

HA!

Don't you mean "Ha Ha!"

That's the sound from Nelson Muntz when he breaks Paddy O's hip.

[JAG]

LOL

...but I wouldn't make Mr. Flamebeard mad if I were you...

[JeeberD]

I'm confused, but congrats to Milwaukee!

Woohoo! The more San Antonio losses the better for the Busters! :D

[Coffee Warlord]

Don't you mean "Ha Ha!"

That's the sound from Nelson Muntz when he breaks Paddy O's hip.

Yeah. Break through Paddy O's line. Just try. I dare ya. :D

[tucker342]

Good game Jeeber:)

[JAG]

Whew. Today I began hunting down and writing up historical info. for the ZFL. This includes kicker info (just out of curiosity), past trades (could be fun to debate them), draft info for every ZFL player drafted, league champions, end of year awards including All-Pro and Pro Bowl teams, and statistical leaders. Whole lotta stuff there, but it'll be good to have all that info together in one place. I've only completed the first couple of years, and I feel bad now for some of the things I've said about some of the oldtimers this year after what I discovered. For example, OLB Ray Brown of Chicago, an original member of the team that held the ZFL to 7 points on the year, was (at least) a 2 year all-pro...of course now he sucks, but I could have at least given him some historical props. It should be pretty cool when it's all put together...but I should put it down until I finish the next batch of write-ups. :) I also plan to use the info to determine a starting list of players eligible for the ZFL Hall of Fame, which we'll figure out voting-wise how that'll work after the season, along with a couple of other possible changes for the league.

It's good to have a weekend at home. :)

[korme]

jag is a pimp

[digamma]

Whew. Today I began hunting down and writing up historical info. for the ZFL. This includes kicker info (just out of curiosity), past trades (could be fun to debate them), draft info for every ZFL player drafted, league champions, end of year awards including All-Pro and Pro Bowl teams, and statistical leaders. Whole lotta stuff there, but it'll be good to have all that info together in one place. I've only completed the first couple of years, and I feel bad now for some of the things I've said about some of the oldtimers this year after what I discovered. For example, OLB Ray Brown of Chicago, an original member of the team that held the ZFL to 7 points on the year, was (at least) a 2 year all-pro...of course now he sucks, but I could have at least given him some historical props. It should be pretty cool when it's all put together...but I should put it down until I finish the next batch of write-ups. :) I also plan to use the info to determine a starting list of players eligible for the ZFL Hall of Fame, which we'll figure out voting-wise how that'll work after the season, along with a couple of other possible changes for the league.

It's good to have a weekend at home. :)

This sounds awesome. Can't wait for it.

[JAG]

Week 5:

*****

The Chaps were fresh off their first win this season when who should they have to face but the defending champion Margaritas, fresh off their first loss on the year. Still, one couldn’t expect this would be a problem for the champs, right?

Right. This was one of the most dominant performances in the ZFL this year. The Margaritas used their running game as a sledgehammer against the Chaps, sending wave after wave against the overmatched Chap DL and LBs, and then going with play-action passes to WRs Primetime and Finlandia, The Chilly for big chunks of yards. When the carnage was over, the stats all-around were impressive: HB Mutt and FB Teeny combined for 215 yards and 3 TDs, Leaf threw for 270 yards and 2 TDs with no INTs and was sacked only once by DE Strong Mad, and both SA wideouts passed the 100 yard mark on the day.

On defense, the Chaps’ offensive line was abused by the whole defensive line (especially DE All Pro with an incredible 6 sacks on the day) while the aging backfield (67 combined years), with the penetration of the defensive line and the usual contribution from MLB Ray Lewis (fumble recovery for a TD), could manage only 22 yards rushing. Cincinnati goes back to the drawing board after a 42-0 drubbing by the Margaritas.

*****

The Muscle Men arrived in LA fresh off a two-game winning streak, including last week’s down-to-the-wire victory over San Antonio, while the Stars had a narrow loss to Knoxville. How could LA hope to solve the Muscle Men defense?

The Stars went to their most potent offensive weapon to attack the Muscle Men: their offensive line and RB Rodney Dangerfield. OG Howard Stern was able to hold his own against rookie terror DT No Name Necessary while Star rookie OG Mark Goodman had a solid game against DT I Eat RB’s for Lunch (he went hungry today). Even more impressive was the work done by OTs Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. on the Milwaukee defensive ends. Dangerfield had some trouble eluding OLB Superman in the open field and so didn’t have much in the way of long runs, but the offensive line routinely gave him so much space, all he had to do was fall forward to pick up 4-5 yards a run. Meanwhile, the Muscle Men offense did not bail out their D. The worst ranked offense in the league struggled against the usual suspects in the Star defense. MLB Brad Pitt was a real pit bull against RB Ricky Williams (who, despite press reports to the contrary, retired from the NFL to concentrate on his ZFL career). Even FB Bulldozer, one of the top FBs in the league, couldn’t consistently block him out of plays. When they dropped back to pass, DE Toby McGwire introduced himself frequently to QB Dan Marino Jr. to the call of 4 sacks while S Ray Liotta picked off a pass and put some big hits on the Milwaukee WRs. The Muscle Men went 4 and out so often they kept putting their defense in a bind, and it eventually broke with a couple of short Dangerfield runs for TDs, in addition to a nice catch by WR Ashton Kucher after QB Bernie Mac was given all day to throw it and Kucher ran almost the entire width of the end zone. Only a late Ricky Williams TD prevented the Muscle Men from being shut out. A remarkable performance by the Star offensive line paves the way for a 21-7 LA victory.

*****

Fargo’s season was slip-sliding away but Albuquerque was right in the mix with the top teams in the league. On paper, another seeming mismatch.

However, Fargo’s running attack remained on fire for the second consecutive week. The Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray cleared out space for FB Ty Wick to knock the LBs around, giving HB Glutton for Punishment all the room he needed and more. Great day on the ground for him, totaling 144 yards and 3 TDs. If only the Fargo passing game could’ve kept up. Once again, QB El Poopiehead looked like he was in over his head, and the Isotope secondary of rookie CB James L. Brooks and S Troy McClure forced Fargo to remain on the ground.

The great running performance was wasted however, because the ‘Fish defense offered no resistance against the Isotopes. QB Moe Sizzlack took advantage of lackluster coverage in the secondary and almost no pressure as he eclipsed the 400 yard mark and had 3 TDs on the day. RB Guy Incognito ran wild behind blocks by FB Drederick Tatum and OT Ralph Wiggum, and even scored on a rare plunge up the middle behind OG Comic Book Guy. In all, the Isotope offense rang up an incredible 620 yards as they cruised to a 42-21 win.

*****

Chicago’s unstoppable wrecking ball attack faced the immovable object in the Birmingham defense this week. Which unit would blink?

We can begin by saying if you like to see some high passing totals, this game was not for you. The Olympians have struggled throwing the ball this year and Chicago’s secondary is one of the tops in the league…you can predict the outcome. Meanwhile, while CB Hektor is nothing to crow about, he was still easily to handle past-his-prime original Eagle WR Chad Spears and S Odysseus dominated rookie receiver O. DeJuan Gavly. Add to that the pressure from the BH DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis and the result was likewise easy to determine. The teams combined…combined!…for 260 yards passing.

The game would have to be decided on the ground. Most teams have had little trouble with the Chicago run defense this year and this week was no exception, as HB Roman had the speed to the outside to beat former all-pro OLB Ray Brown and the strength to plunge up the middle behind OG Another Troy. MLB El Capone had a good game (14 tackles), but the lackluster play of his teammates put his effort to waste as Roman ended up with 114 yards and 3 TDs. It would all come down to Chicago’s running attack, which hadn’t failed to eclipse 100 yards or 3 TDs in their first four weeks.

But they had some problems to overcome today. All-world OG Tom Sanders can usually cover for the deficiencies of other guard Mark “Plays like” Sheet, but couldn’t take on both DTs Hera and Cyclopes himself. On the edge, the Atlantis brothers had their way with OT John Tate and Fatman Jones, making outside runs difficult to impossible for Chicago. With their only option up the middle, LBs Excaliber and Aristotle were able to combine with whatever DT was unblocked on the play to focus solely on Randy Steele and Josh Hackenstein. The result was, for the first time this year, the wrecking ball was held to a bowling ball-like 90 yards and 1 TD on the day. Birmingham brings the defense and climbs to the plus side of .500 as they win 21-7 over the Eagles.

*****

El Paso and Little Rock met up in a battle of disappointing squads, with each team at 1-3 and trying to turn their year around. Both team’s offensive squads have been able to generate points, but the defenses have been in the bottom half of the league. From that, you would expect a high-scoring game…and you would be right.

Rajah Saleem was unstoppable today for the Slick Willies, picking up 158 rushig yards and 3 TDs, with most of his yards coming off of two long runs where he broke Brian Bosworth tackles and the rest of the defense couldn’t bring him down. QB Johnny “Aint” Rotten was able to isolate Saleem on OLB Mike Croel a couple of times to good effect, with Saleem turning in 70 yards and a TD through the air, and Rotten ended the day with 240 yards passing and 2 TDs.

El Paso had a fine day on the ground as well. FB Rashaan Salaam actually outperformed RB Blair Thomas on the day with some powerful runs behind OT Billy Milner and up the gut, while Thomas picked up most of his yards on sweeps away from DE L.L. JeeberD. The two combined for 140 yards and 2 TDs, with Salaam getting 85 yards and the pair splitting the scores.

The game would hinge on the efforts of rookie QB Dan McGwire. But for the third straight game, El Paso gave McGwire little to work with. WRs Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth and Yatil Green could barely get open against rookie sensation S Red Herring, with Herring pulling down an INT and surprisingly getting a sack on the day as well. While the average Buster offensive line held up at times, DT Henry Blitzen was able to get penetration in the middle, while DE L.L. JeeberD was in the backfield so much, McGwire looked like he was going to hand off to him on one play. Lots of strong play from Little Rock when the Busters tried to pass as Little Rock totaled 10 sacks on the day (L.L. JeeberD – 5 sacks, DT Henry Blitzen – 2 sacks, OLB Little Ray – 2 sacks, S Red Herring – 1 sack) and El Paso could manage only a nice McGwire – Salaam hook up for their only score through the air. Little Rock cleans up with a fine triumph over El Paso 35-21 as the Busters fall to 1-4.

*****

The game of the week was played in Knoxville, as Portland trotted in their unbeaten record to take on Thumbless Jackson’s clan. Knoxville’s D has been shaky this year, having given up the third most points in the league, but their offense has compensated enough for their record to climb to 3-1. Portland has looked very tough in shellacking opponents by a combined score of 105-28. San Antonio and Albuquerque watched on, knowing a Redneck win would put them smack dab in the middle of the championship run, while Knoxville came out determined, knowing a loss would severely dampen their chances for a title. There was also the side individual battle featuring two of the most feared receivers in the game in Knoxville’s Jackson Jackson and Portland ‘Manchild’ Manfred von Richthofen, each going against two of the top cover cornerbacks in the league in Portland’s Master Hu Li and Knoxville’s Deion Jackson.

Portland’s first possession was a showcase of their brilliant offensive line. There were enough pancakes going around to open an IHOP, as OTs Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro and Lothar von Richthofen put the hurt on the Knoxville DEs and OGs Eric Flamebeard and Tim the Troll similarly opened holes in the middle. RB Lothar Dirtpounder had 45 yards and a TD on the opening drive of the game.

But Knoxville struck back on their first possession. The offensive guards, behind the enormity that is Fort Sumter Jackson, actually were able to stand up to the famed Military Middle. While they didn’t completely neutralize them, they did force the Portland LBs Sectoid Commander and Zoinks McAllister to make some plays. But FB Jarret Jackson did a good job lead blocking for RB Leon Jackson, who was able to use some strength inside to outmuscle McAllister (Zoinks is much tougher on the outside runs with his speed). Leon matched Dirtpounder almost yard for yard with 42 yards and a TD on the opening drive.

Neither team was able to achieve much more leading up to the end of the second quarter, when WR Manfred von Richthofen finally beat Deion Jackson, selling him on an out route, then turning and zooming upfield. QB Paddy O’ had plenty of time to throw a nice ball into the outstretched hands of Richthofen as he gracefully glided into the end zone for a 38 yard TD and a 14-7 Portland lead at the half.

The third quarter was all Portland. They stuck to the ground game and Lothar Dirtpounder was able to grind out some good yards running behind his offensive line stalwarts. In the third quarter alone, Dirtpounder had 62 yards and 2 TDs extending Portland’s lead to a seemingly insurmountable 28-7. With their defense, one would’ve thought the game was done.

But Knoxville fought back. CB Master Hu Li had been able to limit the damage done by WR Jackson Jackson to this point, but, seeing Knoxville's title chances slipping away, JJ turned it up a notch in the 4th. Master Hu Li didn’t give up any big completions, but JJ just worked on the short-to-intermediate routes, moving Knoxville down the field gradually and giving the defense a much needed break. Finally at the Portland 5, Thumbless threw immediately off the snap to the back left corner, where a leaping Luke Jackson pulled down the ball behind S Black Mage to bring Knoxville within 14.

Portland’s offense went back to the ground game, but DT Josiah Jackson slipped inside OG Tim the Troll on third down and forced Portland to pass on fourth. QB Paddy O tried to hit The Manchild, but Deion Jackson’s coverage was there and he swatted the ball away.

With the guards doing a good job on Portland’s Military Middle, it was clear Portland wasn’t going to be able to muster up enough of a pass rush to affect the cagey veteran Thumbless Jackson. Sure enough, Thumbless had enough time on a long crossing play to hit JJ, who had gotten a step on Master Hu Li, with a picture-perfect pass for a 47 yard TD. Knoxville within 7, but not much time left on the clock.

Knoxville refused to be beaten by the run and stuffed the line of scrimmage by throwing a lot of bodies there, but Portland went to the play-action pass to try and keep possession. Rookie MLB Opie Jackson looked the part of an inexperienced rookie as he allowed Lothar Dirtpounder to pick up two first downs through the air. Knoxville gave it a good fight, but in the end, Portland’s offense was able to run out the clock and preserve its second consecutive 7-point victory by winning 28-21, as the Rednecks see their realistic title chances fade away as they tumble to 3-2.

Standings

PT 5-0 (49)
SA 4-1 (45)
AQ 4-1 (91)
BH 3-2 (59)
LA 3-2 (91)
KX 3-2 (140)
MW 2-3 (56)
CH 2-3 (115)
LR 2-3 (129)
EP 1-4 (140)
CN 1-4 (175)
FG 0-5 (182)

[JAG]

Week 6:

*****

The start of the Portland - Chicago match was delayed when a bench-clearing brawl occurred prior to the opening kickoff. Apparently someone on the Portland squad mouthed off to an Eagle saying “You know, Flamebeard really is the best guard in the game. Tom Sanders sucks!” This followed an earlier incident where Chicago rookie DT Donovan Lork, never one to mince words, said to QB Paddy O’ as he ran by him during warm-ups “Wonder how many more yards ya’d throw for with Tom Sanders protecting ya instead of that fat Viking @#$%”.

*****

After Fargo's loss last week, the players looked like they wanted to hang it up and wait till next year. Through five weeks, the Crawfish were on pace to surrender a league record in points allowed. The Stars came to town looking to add to that total and bring their record to 4-2.

Both teams were able to run the ball at will. Fargo had developed a running game these past few weeks and with only Brad Pitt to worry about (and he was nicely contained by Ty Wick today), the Ordinary Guys OG Ray and rookie OT Charlie made gaping holes on the left side of the line for RB Glutton for Punishment to burst through. Rodney Dangerfield, running behind LA’s powerful offensive line had no problem ripping through the ‘Fish defense. The backs ended with similar numbers: Dangerfield with 137 yards and 3 TDs, GFP 129 yards and 3 TDs.

The difference today was the passing game. Fargo just couldn’t get enough play from QB El Poopiehead to counter S Ray Liotta’s top performance (4 passes defensed, 2 INTs) and couldn’t protect Poopiehead from DE Toby “Spiderman II” McGwire (3 sacks). On the other side, the ‘Fish weren’t able to contain WR Ashton Kucher (115 yards, 2 TDs) who was able to get open enough that even QB Bernie Mac could find him (and he had more than enough time to throw it). Fargo continues its downward spiral losing 35-21 to LA.

*****

The battle for Texas was quite an unfair one this year, with the top team from last year facing the worst team from last year. El Paso has at least a piece of the future, with QB Dan McGwire playing well despite little help from his receivers or offensive line. Facing San Antonio’s defense, things weren’t expected to get much better for the rook.

And that’s how it happened. McGwire had perhaps his toughest game of the year, getting battered by DE All Pro, having nowhere to throw the ball, and getting picked off by Ray Lewis and S Godzilla Blitz on his way to compiling only a 40% completion rate. Even with FB Rashaan Salaam giving a good effort, RB Blair Thomas couldn’t get sprung against the tough interior of the Margarita defense, while OLB Pops did a nice job covering the edges with help from the San Antonio DEs. On the other side of the ball, the Margaritas had a field day. The Busters have had trouble with their run defense all year (outside of MLB Brian Bosworth) and that manifested again today. HB Mutt followed OG Lone Star on a couple of TD runs up the middle, while FB Teeny helped clear the way on another. QB Ryan Leaf benefited from great pass protection against his former team and was able to hit his receivers Primetime and Cool Finlandia without much trouble, each eclipsing 80 yards and scoring a TD. Sorry El Paso, the king of Texas is San Antonio this year: Margaritas 35, Busters 0.

*****

It’s been a tough year thus far for Milwaukee and Cincinnati, with the two teams having combined for 3 victories on the year. Cincinnati needs help in numerous places, while Milwaukee’s got the defense, but is lacking on the other side of the ball. But in the Muscle Men's favor was that they were facing a team which had given up more points than any other ZFL team not named Fargo…surely that would be good for a score or two, right?

Milwaukee’s offensive line didn’t offer up much help again, but this week, FB Bulldozer and HB Ricky Williams were able to handle things themselves. Bulldozer rammed Chaps’ defenders with ferocity, giving Ricky Williams room to make moves on the sluggish Chap LBs. Williams used his agility to good measure, garnering a 4.6 ypc average on the day on his way to 115 yards and 3 TDs, 2 rushing and 1 receiving. Milwaukee’s pass attack wasn’t as solid today. The coverage wasn’t there, but DE Strong Mad looked like his old pre-injury self against OT No Sacks Allowed (interesting, another player hurt last year) getting 3 sacks, while DE The Ugly One looked like he could be an up-and-coming player against OT King Kong, getting 2.5 sacks. All in all, the Chaps had their best defensive effort of the season.

But, they allowed the Muscle Men to score 21 points. The Chaps’ offense could hardly hope to match that against the mighty Milwaukee defense. Cincinnati’s guards had their hands full against DT No Name Necessary, which kept them off the always-tough Muscle Men LBs Zach Thomas and Superman. CB Patrick Surtain and Brock Marion had good games against the Chap receivers Senor Cardgage and Population: Tire, while DE Rocky got by Chaps’ OT The King of Town for 1.5 sacks on the day, to go along with 3 from Superman. In the end, the Chaps totaled only 190 yards of offense on the day as Milwaukee picked up its third shutout on the year with a 21-0 triumph over Cincinnati.

*****

Everyone strapped in? It’s time for the annual wild ride featuring the top two offenses over the past few years in Knoxville and Albuquerque. Both teams feature top QBs, but the comparisons really end there. Knoxville has perhaps the best WR tandem in the league with Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson, a solid middle of the line with OG Fort Sumter Jackson holding down the fort, and Leon Jackson running the ball. The Isotopes feature the great protection of OT Ralph Wiggum and the great tandem of Guy Incognito running and FB Drederick Tatum blocking.

There was no place for defense in this game. We’ll do a quick rundown of the scores:

Thumbless to Jackson Jackson, 7-0 Knoxville.

Guy Incognito on an outside run, 7-7.

Sizzlack to The Cheat, 14-7.

Thumbless to JJ, 14-14.

Leon Jackson up the middle behind a terrific block from OG Fort Sumter Jackson on Isotope star DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz, 21-14.

Thumbless to Luke Jackson, 28-14.

Sizzlack to WR Quagmire, 28-21.

Guy Incognito behind Drederick Tatum, 28-28.

Leon Jackson behind a FB Jarret Jackson block, 35-28.

Sizzlack to Quagmire, 35-35.

…

and that was all. After the initial run of fireworks, the fans still had to wait for the grand finale. Bring on the kickers!

Albuquerque’s kicker Sir Gary Coleman, who had seen little action prior to this year, came out for his second appearance on the year after an earlier successful one. Knoxville players groaned as they were forced to watch the only non-Jackson in Eli Manning go out and try to win them the game. Today’s contest would actually involve some kicking…but not footballs. Instead, soccer balls were brought onto the field as football goal posts were set up . The match required the kickers to put the ball through the uprights from increasing distances until one missed. The only twist was the goal posts were not the usual stationary targets used in NFL games. The post that normally sticks into the ground was instead attached to a contraption that moved them from side to side in a steady motion.

The kickers were both able to hit from 10 yards with little problem. From 20 yards, Sir Gary Coleman hit one right down the center, but Eli Manning was fortunate to get his in, getting a favorable bounce off the left upright. The spot was moved back to 30 yards. Coleman looked a bit tentative, but hit a very nice ball that cleared the side of the goal posts by a good 6-12 inches. Manning watched the moving target and looked like he changed his mind a couple of times about when he wanted to hit the ball. Manning finally decided, approached the ball confidently…and hit a wormburner! It would’ve been a great shot in soccer, but it was nowhere near the height needed. Albuquerque wins the battle the offenses 38-35.

*****

After the histrionics to start the game, Chicago and Portland settled in to keep the battling to the field. Portland brought out the Military Middle to put the clamps on the Tom Sanders-led offense and a couple of things were immediately made clear. One, Sanders is really really good. He played a fantastic game considering his opponent, DT Captain Bipto, was one of the top defensive tackles in the game. FB Josh Hackenstein ran behind Sanders’ blocks and went toe-to-toe with the Portland LBs to keep RB Randy Steele clear of tacklers. Just behind Sanders, Steele gained 68 yards and a TD on the day.

The second thing that was immediately clear was OG Mark “Plays like” Sheet is really really bad. DT Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III abused Sheet badly to swoop in and stop many running plays in the backfield, as well as gathering 4 sacks against beleaguered Eagles QB Mike “Air” Marino. Marino didn’t get much help today, as CB Master Hu Li showed rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly that he had a lot to learn to hang with the Master, and S Black Mage had no trouble covering the ancient Chad Spears.

And by the way, don’t make Eric Flamebeard angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. A hard lesson learned well today by DT Donovan Lork, as Paddy O was all too pleased to fill in the powerful guard on Lork’s pre-game comments. Flamebeard took Lork to school, pancaking him time after time, as well as just tossing him out of the way like a sack of leaves on some plays. RB Lothar Dirtpounder kept picking up 7-8 yards before MLB El Capone (14 tackles) could bring him down. On the edge, things were no better for Chicago. The Portland OTs Lothar von Richthofen and Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro cleared plenty of space against the Chicago’s DEs and Dirtpounder had no problems outrunning the 35-year-old OLB Ray Brown. Chicago’s outstanding secondary put up a good fight against All-Pro receiver Manfred von Richthofen, but with essentially no pass thanks to the Sea Biscuit offensive line, he was eventually able to get open enough to pull in 6 passes for 115 yards and a TD. Dirtpounder finished with his typically strong game of 128 yards and 3 TDs as Portland remained undefeated in winning 28-7 over the Eagles.

*****

The R&R boys of Little Rock got a chance this week to test their mettle against the solid defense of the Birminham Olympians. Both sides put on a worthy show in this one.

As they had done with other teams this year, the Olympian defensive line overwhelmed Little Rock’s average line. This wreaked havoc in Little Rock’s aerial attack, with QB Johnny Rotten’s timing ruined by the constant pressure from DEs Atlantis and Another Atlantis, as well as DTs Hera and Cyclopes. S Odysseus had a terrific game in the secondary, effectively neutralizing Rotten’s favorite target WR Bruce Spinner. Running lanes were constantly jammed with defenders. It appeared the Slick Willies would get nothing from their offense, but in true Barry Sanders’ fashion, RB Rajah Saleem would slip through the arms of defenders and get yards even on plays that weren’t blocked. On one incredible play, he started running to the left, then cut back sharply the other direction, slipping through no less than 5 defenders on the play before reaching paydirt on a 52 yard (vertical yards that is) TD run. He also pulled in a sweet 35 yard TD reception, as he ran a route up the middle of the field, caught the ball between MLB Excaliber and OLB Aristotle, sprinted past them then, before reaching Odysseus, he cut to the outside and burned to the end zone. Ho hum, another brilliant performance for Rajah Saleem against a tough defense. But those 14 points would be all Little Rock could muster.

However, this isn’t last year’s Slick Willie defense. Picking up rookie pass-rushing DE L.L. AnotherJeeberD, who has been solid if not spectacular, and rookie S Red Herring, who HAS been spectacular, have turned a leaky pass defense into one of the more impressive units in the ZFL. The Olympians haven’t had much success passing the ball this year. You do the math. Red Herring put the clamps on WR Ahhnold Schwartzeneggar while QB Zeus Reloaded was flushed outside by DT Henry Blitzen, putting him in the arms of the original DE L.L. JeeberD 4 times. Blitzen and OLB Little Ray did a nice job bottling up RB Roman, who finished with 71 yards and a TD run up the gut behind OG Another Troy (that familiar refrain). Little Rock’s defense plays like a rock and the spluttering Birmingham offense can only manage 7 points as they come up short. Little Rock’s 14-7 victory moves both teams to .500 on the year.

Standings after week 6

PT 6-0 (56)
SA 5-1 (45)
AQ 5-1 (126)
LA 4-2 (112)
MW 3-3 (56)
KX 3-3 (178) (head to head beat LR and BH)
LR 3-3 (136) (head to head beat BH)
BH 3-3 (73)
CH 2-4 (143)
EP 1-5 (175)
CN 1-5 (196)
FG 0-6 (217)

[digamma]

YOU AIN'T NO JACKSON, ELI!!!

[Swaggs]

This may well be the first time that Little Rock has been .500.

[tucker342]

another close loss...:(

[JeeberD]

Going for the top pick again... :(

[NevStar]

Gary Coleman: All-Pro

[tucker342]

bump

[JAG]

Week 7

It was a rough ride for Cincinnati against Birmingham this week. Although the Olympians’ title aspirations had been dashed with a few close losses, they still remain one of the tougher defensive teams in the league. The Chaps, meanwhile, have been one of the most woeful teams in the ZFL this year, nearing the bottom in both offensive and defensive rankings.

QB Mr. Shmallow took a beating this game. OT The King of Town had lost a step…specifically, the one DE Another Atlantis kept using to blow by him (3.5 sacks). OT Marzipan II may have a future in the ZFL, but the future is not now, especially not when matched up against DE Atlantis (2.5 sacks). The Chaps found no room in the running game with DTs Hera and Cyclopes bottling up the middle and LBs Excaliber and Aristotle roaming free. On the other side of the ball, Birmingham found their offense again, as teams seem to do against Cincinnati. WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar enjoyed the weak coverage from CB The Blacksmith and hauled in 7 passes for 99 yards and 2 TDs, while HB Roman added another 2 TDs on the ground with 107 yards rushing. The Olympian hot and cold offense ran hot this week as they knocked off the Chaps 28-7 and moved to the plus side of .500.

*****

Chicago’s wrecking ball came to Milwaukee this week to face the tough defense of the Muscle Men in the battle of the Marino’s (Mike “Air” Marino of Chicago, Dan Marino Jr. of Milwaukee). Milwaukee, like Birmingham, is a team that’s struggled on offense but has been outstanding on defense, while Chicago’s one-sided units excel in one area (running the ball, defending the pass) and fall apart in the other (passing and defending the run).

Little would be different this week. Chicago didn’t have a chance passing the ball. OG Tom Sanders handled rookie DT star No Name Necessary, but DT I Eat RB’s for Lunch found a new delicacy this week facing pathetic guard Mark Sheet: quarterbacks. IERFL was in QB Mike “Air” Marino’s face all day, and although he didn’t record a sack, he was disruptive enough to frustrate Marino into two INTs to kill drives, one to each LB Superman and Zach Thomas. Meanwhile, Milwaukee could do little against Chicago’s pass rush and defense. S Shut Down put the clamps on WR Lightning and rookie DTs Donovan Lork and Timmy Triop recorded the first sacks of their career against the weak pass defending of the interior line. The running game was another story though. The Eagles only had one player, MLB El Capone, who could contain RB Ricky Williams, but FB Bulldozer kept him busy and allowed Williams to go to work. OLB Ray Brown was too slow and the rest of the line run blocked well enough to give Williams a big day (112 yards) and allowed the Milwaukee offense to actually get 21 points on the day with his three TDs.

All that was left is to find out how the wrecking ball did. Well, to paraphrase a saying: some days you’re the wrecking ball, some days you get wrecked. It was a true battle of titans, with OG Sanders clearing out DT No Name Necessary, but LB Zach Thomas and OLB Superman swept in to contain Randy Steele. Even when FB Josh Hackenstein would take out Thomas and leave Steele one-on-one with Superman, Steele could not get away from the ferocious tackler. Play after play, drive after drive, Steele, who is usually so elusive in the open field, could get nothing going and, after factoring his negative running plays, totaled 65 yards on the day…and more importantly, no touchdowns. Milwaukee pitches another shutout as they too climb above .500 with a 21-0 victory over Chicago.

*****

The struggling Fighting Crawfish defense had a monumental task set for it this week: stop the Knoxville offense. A seemingly impossible task, but the ZFL has witnessed a number of unusual performances already this year. Could Fargo slow down the express train that is Knoxville’s offense?

Well, the Fargo running game was once again up to the task. OT Charlie made Knoxville pay for trading him (well, the pick where he was drafted) and OG Ray did a great job inspiring the rest of the line, while FB Ty Wick and RB Glutton for Punishment needed no encouraging. GFP had a great game, as the Knoxville LBs were left grasping for air as he ran for a solid 143 yards and 3 TDs on the day. QB El Poopiehead once again let his team down though, firing a pair of picks to CB Deion Jackson. Aside from the INTs, he struggled with his timing throwing to the ‘Fish receivers. A couple of times, WR Lobsterboy got open on S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson, the former Fargo safety, but El Poopiehead misfired the ball into the turf and out of bounds.

The Fargo defense tried its best, but was overwhelmed by the well-oiled machine that is the Redneck offense. Essentially every starter had highlight numbers: Thumbless threw for 330 yards and 3 TDs, WR Jackson Jackon had 140 yards and 2 TDs, Luke Jackson hauled in 6 passes for 104 yards and a TD, and finally RB Leon Jackson finished with 121 yards and 3 TDs. Another crushing defeat for Fargo, as Knoxville becomes the third team so far this week to move to 4-3 in winning 42-21.

*****

In the only game this week featuring two teams over .500, the Sea Biscuits squared off against the Stars. Portland has been riding their offensive line and stingy defense to an undefeated record, while LA has been mainly riding their running game and offensive line, as well as a defense with some stars (naturally).

Portland put on a dominant performance today. Their offensive line easily whipped the overmatched Stars. Even DE Toby McGwire was handled well by OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro. MLB Brad Pitt was forced to shed blockers all day and struggled with it, while RB Lothar Dirtpounder racked up the yards. In the end, he managed 126 yards and 3 TDs, while WR Manfred von Richthofen managed 78 yards and a TD despite great coverage by S Ray Liotta.

Meanwhile, LA’s offense hit the breaks against Portland. QB Bernie Mac struggled against the coverage from the Portland secondary, and was picked off twice, once each by S Black Mage and CB Master Hu Li. Running the ball was tougher going than usual for RB Rodney Dangerfield, as the Military Middle was able to hold their own against the LA guards and forced the Stars to run outside. Dangerfield had what for him was a poor game rushing, finishing with 84 yards and 2 TDs. LA takes a hard loss, but Portland continues their march towards an undefeated season with a 28-14 victory.

*****

A good match-up this week of offensive stars vs. defensive stars, as the R&R boys of Little Rock got a shot at the tough Margarita defense, which has been on fire since their narrow loss in Milwaukee.

It was not a good day to be a Little Rock offensive player. RB Rajah Saleem can usually make something out of nothing, but there wasn’t a single member of his offensive line giving him any space against the Margarita defensive line. Even as he would dodge the numerous defensive linemen who tried to bring him down, behind them all was last year’s MVP Ray Lewis to take him down. Rajah managed a very ordinary 52 yards rushing and with no running game as he usually has to take pressure off him, QB Johnny Rotten wilted. Rotten was beaten back by pressure up the middle as DT Aragorn got 1.5 sacks while DE All Pro (3 sacks) was too strong and quick for OT Keith “Slap” Slapinski. Rotten got little help from his receivers as well, as WR Bruce Spinner got some lessons in hard knocks from S Godzilla Blitz and Carlton Bender turned in his usual sub par performance.

However, all was not rosy for San Antonio. They spent a portion of the offseason trying to boost their passing game by adding QB Ryan Leaf and drafting WR Cool Finlandia, but have only seen moderate success there this year. Today was no different. A great battle in the secondary between two rookies primed for post-season accolades, WR Cool Finlandia and S Red Herring, ended in Herring’s favor as Finlandia was only able to maange 66 yards and no TDs, partially because of the solid coverage and partially due to the pressure DE L.L. JeeberD put on QB Ryan Leaf (3.5 sacks). Leaf finished the game with a poor day of 152 yards passing and no TDs.

The ground game is where San Antonio broke the game open. The Little Rock secondary may be solid, but there are still some weak spots on the defense, especially run defense. DT Henry Blitzen, usually a disruptive force, was handled today beautifully by G Lone Star, blocking him out of the play time after time. Without their star DT in the mix, the Slick Willie defense folded. RB Mutt and FB Teeny both dominated the Slick Willie linebackers, with Teeny actually having the better day rushing 85 to 69 yards, although only getting 1 TD to Mutt’s 2. Either way, any of those scores would’ve been enough to win the game as Little Rock could do nothing on offense with the disruption caused by the Margarita defensive “lime” and Ray Lewis. San Antonio keeps chugging along to stay a game behind Portland, winning 21-0.

*****

Our last chance to see a competitive game this week was when the Albuquerque Isotopes brought their 5-1 record to face the fading El Paso Busters’ 1-5 record. QB Dan McGwire has shown flashes of brilliance this year, but has struggled against tough defenses with the lack of passing game talent and protection. The Isotopes have been excellent all year and would be undefeated, if not for a tough 7 point loss to start the season against the Margaritas.

El Paso’s defense has been ragged this season, but without MLB Brian Bosworth, they would be even worse. Today he was his usual madman self. Look at his line for the game: 18 tackles, a sack, and an INT, plus a great play that didn’t show up in the stats: on a 4th and goal from the 3, the Isotopes tried a run up the gut with FB Drederick Tatum leading, but Bosworth side-stepped Tatum at the one, dove and brought down Guy Incognito at the 2.

That play turned out to be huge for El Paso, because on the next play, the Busters, figuring the defense would look for RB Blair Thomas, ran a play-action fake. CB James L. Brooks made a rookie mistake in reading run on the play, only to see WR Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth striding by him. Before he could remedy his mistake, McGwire threw a ball-on-a-rope to Carruth. The safety was nowhere him and Carruth eventually finished his 98-yard catch and run for a TD.

Unfortunately for the Busters, Bosworth was the only El Paso defender to have a good game. QB Moe “Kid Gruesome” Sizzlack picked apart the defense with great protection from OT Ralph Wiggum and the rest of the OL, throwing for 372 yards and 3 TDs, while Guy Incognito was able to chip in 128 yards and 2 TDs.

But today, El Paso finally took a step on offense. The El Paso offensive line is nothing to write home about, but then again, neither is the Albuquerque defensive line, outside DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz. Muntz did frequently beat his man to pressure McGwire, but the Busters eventually countered by keeping FB Rashaan Salaam in to chip him. Salaam did a great job keeping Muntz off his QB, as McGwire had one of his better games this year in throwing for 310 yards and 2 TDs. Salaam also had a strong day blocking for RB Blair Thomas, as he routinely flattened the Isotope linebackers, allowing Thomas to pick up big gains inside and outside. El Paso was able to equal the Albuquerque output with Thomas getting 139 yards and 3 TDs, and regulation ended with El Paso shockingly tied with 5-1 Albuquerque at 35 points. Bring on the kickers!

K Scot “Missin’” Sisson looked primed and ready to pull off the upset for the Busters today, but he faced a tough opponent who had already won twice this year in Albuquerque’s Sir Gary Coleman. The match for this week was, as is often typical of the kicking duels, a strange combination. Each kicker was required to spin around in a circle 100 full revolutions, after which they would be thrown clubs they would need to juggle, with every 6 seconds an additional club thrown. The winner would simply be a combination of how long the kicker could go without dropping a club and how fast they completed their spins. Coleman, being shorter than Sisson, had an easier time getting his spins in, and was able to finish his 100 spins ahead of Sisson, giving him a small (no pun intended) advantage heading into the juggling. Coleman had to blink his eyes, as looking out he saw six pins coming towards him but knew he was really only being thrown three. Somehow he chose the correct ones and was able to get himself under control prior to the fourth one being thrown. He was even able to handle that adroitly, but as soon as the fifth pin was thrown, he was sunk, dropping three to the ground.

Sisson looked a little green coming out of his spins as he reached for the pins being thrown to him. He caught the first one, but then the other two pins dropped onto the ground, as Sisson sank to his knees and puked on the field. A nauseating end for a great El Paso effort, but the underdog could not pull off the upset. Coleman picked up his third kicking win of the season and Albuquerque wins by a score of 38-35.

*****

Incidentally, what is it with Isotope kickers? First Capital City Goofball, now Sir Gary Coleman.

Things at the top will either be sorted out somewhat or more muddled than ever next week, as Albuquerque takes on Portland.

(btw, I am not going to try and figure out the 4-team logjam at 4-3 for this week :) ).

Standings after Week 7:

PT 7-0 (70)
SA 6-1 (45)
AQ 6-1 (161)
MW 4-3 (56)
BH 4-3 (80)
LA 4-3 (140)
KX 4-3 (199)
LR 3-4 (157)
CH 2-5 (164)
EP 1-6 (213)
CN 1-6 (224)
FG 0-7 (259)

[Coffee Warlord]

Keep on smashing, Erik!

[NevStar]

Week 7
Incidentally, what is it with Isotope kickers? First Capital City Goofball, now Sir Gary Coleman.


Well, the year of CCG, I think he was rated a D, so every win was a major upset. Sir Gary is probably at least in the top half.

Yeah, they conspire to give us a much poorer draft pick than we deserve, ensuring we'll always be "pretty good," but never on the Portland/San Antonio level. But we're good enough to keep the arena full, so that's good enough for beloved team dictator, C. M. Burns.

Having said that, Go 'Topes, beat Skeeze Biscuits!

[Coffee Warlord]

Voodoo Jalisco, the greatest kicker to never play a game, says, BUMP!

[korme]

ugh

[tucker342]

well, at least I'm tied for 4th (with 3 other teams)...

[JAG]

Sorry for the delay guys, I'll have the games up end of today or tomorrow.

[JeeberD]

Damn... lthisl close... :(

[JAG]

Week 8

Some competitive match-ups this week, with 3 sets of games featuring both teams above .500.

*****

An interesting game today between Little Rock and Cincinnati. Cincinnati has been established as fairly low on the ZFL pecking order, while Little Rock has hovered between mediocre and average. If it sounds like the making for a close well-fought game, you might want to find another game to read about.

Little Rock came out all guns a-blazing on offense. As has been mentioned throughout the year, Cincinnati lacks elite defensive players, and this was painfully obvious watching RB Rajah Saleem devastate their defense. The Slick Willie offensive line didn’t have a great game, but Rajah did, running through and around Chap defenders, finishing with 185 yards and 3 TDs. Fellow R&R teammate QB Johnny Rotten put on a good show as well, nimbly dodging the Chap DEs and finding numerous holes all over the Chap secondary. WR Bruce Spinner had a good day torching S It’s Dot Com!, pulling in passes for 130 yards and 2 TDs, while Rotten finished over the 300 yard mark with 315 and 3 TDs. On the other side of the ball, the Chaps were completely stymied by the Slick Willies, off the strength of their defensive line and secondary. DT Henry Blitzen was disruptive in the rushing game and passing game (6 tackles, 2 sacks), while OT The King of Town was reduced to a serf after being humbled by DE L.L. JeeberD (7 tackles, 4.5 sacks). The Chap receivers are the strength of their team, but with the pressure from the Little Rock front 4, QB Mr. Shmallow was erratic, throwing 3 INTs (2 to S Red Herring, 1 to OLB Kearney) and generally misfiring most of the day. Statement performance by Little Rock (statement being they are an up-and-coming team) in battering Cincinnati 42-0.

*****

Elsewhere, San Antonio was to meet Chicago in a matchup of brutal ground games and poor passing games. Chicago came into the game a bit tentative after having seen their powerful running attack shut down in recent weeks. Not the best time to face the mighty Margarita defense (if there’s ever a good time for it).

This week was like déjà vu from the Muscle Men – Eagles game last week. Chicago couldn’t make headway in the running game with MLB Ray Lewis roaming around and the Margarita defensive line beating up the Chicago offensive line (outside of OG Tom Sanders). Passing was even worse for Chicago, with hard luck QB Mike “Air” Marino unable to locate his well-covered receivers the few times he was upright. DE All Pro put on an exhibition of pass rush moves that baffled usually solid OT John Tate and managed 2 sacks and constant pressure against Marino. DT Aragorn, matched up with OG Mark Sheet, had an easy time getting pressure up the middle by simply bull-rushing all day and ended with 3.5 sacks. Meanwhile, the Margarita running game was finding the going easy by ground. The rookie DTs Lork and Triop each got their chances against OG Lone Star, only to fail miserably. Lone Star bulldozed them out of the way to give RB Mutt and FB Teeny some clear running lanes as the two combined for 176 yards rushing and 3 TDs. So despite San Antonio’s aerial attack being shut down yet again (kudos to S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper), the Margaritas have a mostly effortless win against the Eagles 21-0 and went back to their hotel to watch the outcome of the Portland – Albuquerque game.

*****

A "barnburner" of a match-up in El Paso, as the Fargo Fighting Crawfish came to town. The two teams have combined for a total…total!...of one win on the season and last season they tied for the worst record in the ZFL. The tiebreaker ‘won’ by El Paso last year gave them the chance to draft their promising young QB Dan McGwire, while Fargo seems to have missed out for now on El Poopiehead.

Both teams found success running the ball. Fargo’s Ordinary Guys OT Charlie and OG Ray had an easy time against the weak El Paso DTs and opened lanes easily for FB Ty Wick and RB Glutton for Punishment. If not for the ferocious tackling of MLB Brian Bosworth (17 tackles), Fargo might’ve ended the day with over 200 yards rushing. As it was, Glutton for Punishment still managed 149 yards and 3 TDs. El Paso likewise found success with RB Blair Thomas running up the gut except when DT The Defense got a hold of him. For the most part, FB Rashaan Salaam made sure Thomas had a clear path to run. Thomas had a pair of long TD runs (poor tackling by the ‘Fish LBs more than anything) which inflated his numbers somewhat to 166 yards rushing and 3 TDs.

With both teams’ running games on fire, it would come down to the performance of the first and second overall picks in the draft this year as to who would be victorious. Hint: his name doesn’t begin with El Poopiehead. The Poopster actually did manage a TD passing, which was more the brilliance of RB Glutton for Punishment taking a nice sideline run and stiff-arm on OLB Mike Croel off a screen pass, but the rest of the day, he was an inaccurate as he’s been all year. On the other side of the ball, facing no pass rush for the second straight week and poor coverage, QB Dan McGwire thrived. He finished with 366 yards passing and 3 TDs, all to his wideouts. For the second straight week, El Paso’s offense clicked while Fargo’s defense self-destructed. The final tally was El Paso 42, Fargo 28.

*****

The first game between teams on the plus side of .500 ‘Pitt’ed the Brad Pitt-led defense of the LA Stars against the Birmingham Olympians. The Olympians have been excellent defensively but a little low on the offensive firepower, while LA has played overall solid defense but can’t get their passing game out of the doldrums.

An offensive slugfest this was not. QB Bernie Mac had another of his typical performances, as he was often off the mark even when his receivers were open. S Odysseus had a fine game going up against WR Ashton Kucher. On the ground, however, LA’s RB Rodney Dangerfield had himself a very respectable day, especially considering the defense the were facing. For one of the first times this year, the Atlantis DEs were neutralized by the LA OT’s Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr., allowing Dangerfield room to turn the corner on some outside runs. OLB Aristotle gave a good effort to track him down, but Dangerfield won more of the battles and ended with 82 yards and 2 TDs, both TDs behind OT Freddie Prinze Jr. On the flip side, the Olympians had an ineffective passing game, as WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar was repeated shut down by former teammate S Ray Liotta and DE Toby McGwire feasted on OT Cronus by zipping past him for 2.5 sacks. Surprisingly, Birmingham was unable to crack the Star run defense. MLB Brad Pitt was outstanding in tracking down HB Roman, even when G Another Troy opened good holes for the back. He had to settle for outside runs, but Roman is a much better back going north and south, and Pitt’s mobility made it easy for him to shut down the outside runs even more easily than the inside ones. Another tough loss for Birmingham, once expected to make a run at the revrew trophy, as they fell to the now 5-3 Stars 14-0.

*****

Yet another battle of offense vs. defense, as the Knoxville Rednecks battled the Milwaukee Muscle Men. The Muscle Men defense has managed 4 shutouts in 7 games, but interestingly when they’ve failed to shut an opponent out in those other three games, they’ve lost, perhaps a testament to the sad state of their offense. That fact is music to the Knoxville defense, a unit that has been fairly ineffective this season, but covered well by the offense scoring so much.

Milwaukee actually had some offensive success today, as RB Ricky Williams and FB Bulldozer were able to make some headway against Knoxville’s defense. The two didn’t get much help from their offensive line, but with Bulldozer leading the way through the Knoxville LBs, Williams was able to crack the 100-yard mark and score a pair of TDs. But that would be all from Milwaukee, because even though QB Dan Marino moved the ball well through the air (240 yards passing), CB Deion Jackson and S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson helped shut down the Muscle Men receivers at the goal line.

Knoxville’s great offensive personnel allowed them to attack the Milwaukee defense in a way that it hadn’t been attacked all year long. Knowing they would face an uphill battle running the ball and dealing with OLB Superman, WRs Jackson Jackson and Luke Jackson ran a number of quick sideline routes. With QB Thumbless Jackson’s precision, the plan worked perfectly. CB Patrick Surtain and S Brock “Please don’t throw my way” Marion are normally pretty good defenders, but were disarmed by the Knoxville talent. Thumbless racked up an incredible 268 yards (incredible against Milwaukee, that is) and 3 TDs against the Muscle Men, while RB Leon Jackson was able to score on a draw play running behind OG Fort Sumter Jackson, who did a great job of sealing off DT No Name Necessary on the play. The ‘Necks dismantle the Muscle Men and move to 5-3 on the year with a 28-14 victory.

*****

Finally we come to the spotlight game of the week which could have a major impact on the revrew trophy winner this year, Portland, winners of 7 straight, vs. Albuquerque, winners of 6 straight. For Albuquerque, this was essentially a must-win, as a loss would put them 2.5 games behind Portland. A win on the other hand would draw Portland, Albuquerque, and San Antonio into a 3-way tie for first at 7-1. Albuquerque sports the league’s most potent offensive attack, averaging over 31 points a game, while Portland boasts the third-stingiest defense, giving up an average of 10 points per game.

The Isotopes came out firing on their first drive, with QB Moe “Kid Gruesome” Sizzlack firing perfect passes to WRs Quagmire and Primetime. The drive culminated in an 11-yard corner route with Primetime beating S Black Mage on the play. In contrast, the Sea Biscuits kept to the ground. All pro guard Erik Flamebeard had a couple of powerful blocks on DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz to spring RB Lothar Dirtpounder for gains of 14 and 17 yards. The drive finished with a run over tackle, with OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro shoving DE Kearney 3 yards deep into the end zone and Dirtpounder scoring untouched to tie the game at 7.

But the Isotopes came back with more from Sizzlack’s arm. They hit on a pretty good offensive plan for the day. Since their guards are so poor and Portland’s vaunted Military Middle of Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III and Captain Bipto are so formidable, Albuquerque kept rolling Sizzlack out and running shotgun plays for the first time this year. Overall the plan seemed to work well to keep away from the pocket which collapsed quickly under the force of the two central defensive powers. Around midfield, Sizzlack threw a pump-and-go that fooled S Black Mage. WR Quagmire was hit in stride as he tore down the sideline and scored to bring the score to 14-7 in favor of the Isotopes.

Portland countered with a bomb of their own on their next series. S Troy McClure drew coverage on Portland great WR Manfred von Richthofen for much of the day, but as Portland continued to run more and set up their passing game, McClure kept cheating off the coverage to help out. Sure enough, on the Portland 45 yard line, the Sea Biscuits ran a play-action pass to Richthofen. The Manchild sold the fake well by putting his hands on McClure as if to block, then broke to the outside and upfield. Even though the pass was underthrown a bit, McClure had no chance on the play, as Richthofen’s hands of glue latched onto the ball and he pranced down the sideline for a 55 yard TD.

Albuquerque continued their dismantling of the Portland defense by sprinkling in some runs behind star OT Ralph Wiggum by RB Guy Incognito with their passing game. Sizzlack continued his laser accuracy and eventually, on the 3-yard line, Incognito bounced one outside and cut inside of OLB Zoinks McAllister to score. Isotopes 21, Sea Biscuits 14.

Neither team was able to accomplish anything on their next drives, but midway through the third, Portland was able to score again. OT Lothar von Richthofen bulled DE Disco Stu over, allowing Dirtpounder to break through a hole, put a move on MLB Ranier Wolfcastle and breezed in for his second score of the day, tying the game at 21.

Early in the fourth, Sizzlack did it again, finding WR Primetime on a 27 yard throw over the middle putting the ‘Topes up 28-21, and scoring more points on Portland than had been hung on them in a single game all year.

Portland, still with plenty of time, marched methodically down the field, with QB Paddy O doing a nice job of hanging back in the pocket and making good throws to favorite target Manfred von Richthofen in between runs up the middle by Dirtpounder. On the Albuquerque 5, Dirtpounder took a pitch from Paddy O and headed for the pylon. OLB Kearney tracked him well, lowered his shoulder, and threw a crunching tackle that separated Dirtpounder from the ball. Fumble! A couple of Isotope defenders swarmed to the ball, but couldn’t pick it up before savvy vet WR Ogadai could scoop it up and dive into the end zone. Touchdown, Portland! Tie ballgame at 28 all.

Albuquerque got the ball with about 4 minutes left, but went four and out when DT Captain Bipto blew up a 4th and 2 run attempt. Portland would have enough time for one more drive. The Isotope defenders dug in and looked to the clock to bring the game to overtime, the province of 3-0 kicker Sir Gary Coleman. Portland advanced little by little, and it seemed that.the Isotope defensive line looked a bit ragged from the constant pounding from the Sea Biscuit offensive line. With about 30 seconds to go, on the 11 yard line, Manfred von Richthofen ran a skinny post past S Troy McClure and Paddy O hit him for the go-ahead touchdown. Portland 35, Albuquerque 28.

The Isotopes had one last chance with the ball on their own 30. Portland dropped their secondary deep but the linebackers didn’t get much depth. Sizzlack dropped back and threw up a prayer to WR Quagmire. Quagmire ran along the sideline, jumped sky-high for the ball and grabbed it…only to have it knocked free by CB Master Hu Li who had coverage on the play.

Great close game by both squads, but Portland remains undefeated at 8-0 while Albuquerque watches its realistic title hopes fade away. This sets up another rematch from last season’s final game in two weeks when San Antonio and Portland clash again (we’re assuming San Antonio will be able to handle Fargo next week). Final score: Sea Biscuits 35, Isotopes 28.


Standings after Week 8

PT 8-0 (98)
SA 7-1 (45)
AQ 6-2 (196)
KX 5-3 (213) (won head to head vs. LA)
LA 5-3 (140)
MW 4-4 (84)
LR 4-4 (157) (won head to head vs. BH)
BH 4-4 (94)
CH 2-6 (185)
EP 2-6 (241)
CN 1-7 (266)
FG 0-8 (301)

[sachmo71]

Damn.

[Coffee Warlord]

Come on Fargo! Kill San Antionio next week!

[NevStar]

Bleh. Congrats to Portland.

[Coffee Warlord]

I still don't think I'm gonna beat San Antonio, quite frankly.

[sachmo71]

I still don't think I'm gonna beat San Antonio, quite frankly.

I disagree. For whatever reason, my passing game didn't improve, even though my players did. Haven't quite worked it out, but your D will be good enough to stop my O. My D, as good as it is, won't be able to keep you off the board. It's in the cards, bro!

[Coffee Warlord]

Keep in mind though, you beat me last year, and my team hasn't changed much at all. One huge help to the D-line, one minor upgrade at fullback.

Could this finally be the game where Juan 'Voodoo' Jalisco makes his ZFL debut? Portland's never been known for the kicking game (think we've had 1 game that's made it to kickers, ever), but we've got The Man just waiting to close a game out.

[JAG]

I disagree. For whatever reason, my passing game didn't improve, even though my players did. Haven't quite worked it out, but your D will be good enough to stop my O. My D, as good as it is, won't be able to keep you off the board. It's in the cards, bro!

Upon further review, it seems QB Ryan Leaf may have been a bit hyped up in the offseason, fooling everyone much as Elvis Grbac was when Baltimore picked him up after their Super Bowl victory. But hey, you might not have won the opener without his key TD pass at the end of the game, so that counts for something.

[JeeberD]

What, you mean that Sach didn't fleece me? Hoorah!

Woot, two wins! I'm da MAN!

[sachmo71]

It was a fair trade...till I found out that my scout was rated POOR in Really Old QB's...

[illinifan999]

bump

[JAG]

Week 9

*****

San Antonio vs. Fargo was the most glaring mismatch of the week. San Antonio needed a win to keep pace with the Sea Biscuits in the race for the title and didn’t have a problem getting it against the most generous team in the league, with the ‘Fish allowing an average of 37 points a game.

The Doormat Defense couldn’t even hold the Margaritas to their average. The offensive line laughed at the attempted pressure (solid day for OG Lone Star, holding talented DT The Defense to 2 tackles and no sacks), the backs blew away the linebackers, and even Ryan Leaf finally had himself a good game (220 yards, 3 TDs, 124 yards and 2 TDs to WR Finlandia The Chilly). HB Mutt and FB Teeny mauled the Farg D on the ground to a combined 154 yards and 3 TDs as San Antonio posted 42 points on the hapless Fargo defense.

As an excuse. the defense may have been tired because the offense didn’t last long on the field. Fargo had found a running game in recent weeks, but that came to a crashing halt once they met up with the Margarita defensive line and MLB Ray Lewis. RB Glutton for Punishment, despite his name, was well-satiated by the end of the first half, much less the game. QB El Poopiehead was under fire most of the day and he looked clearly rattled when he was able to even get a pass off. WR Lobsterboy looked extremely frustrated out there, as he was having his way with Margarita CB Bryant Westbrook but The Poopster couldn’t hit him. In the end, score it as another shutout victory for the Margaritas and watch for next week’s Portland – San Antonio game. No matter how Portland does in the later game, the winner of the match next week will have the advantage heading into the final week (and if Portland wins this week and next, will have clinched the title).

*****

El Paso and rookie QB Dan McGwire have been on fire as of late, with the Busters racking up 77 points in the past two weeks combined. A stiffer challenge awaited them this week facing the Milwaukee Muscle Men. Milwaukee boasts one of the most feared defenses in the league and came into the game intending to teach the rookie quarterback what a real defense looked like.

They did all that and more. The El Paso offensive line has been a trouble spot all season long for them and today was no different, as rookie DT No Name Necessary routinely busted up the middle to disrupt McGwire’s rhythm and OLB Superman came untouched on many of his frequent blitzes. McGwire had nowhere to go with the ball and no time to get it there. Superman finished with 4.5 sacks, No Name Necessary garnered 2.5, and the El Paso offense couldn’t even get a single score against the stingy Muscle Men.

Milwaukee, facing one of the weaker defenses it has seen all year, had a veritable offensive explosion. QB Dan Marino Jr., facing no pressure for one of the first times all year, was able to locate WRs Lightning and Nothing but Touchdowns each for a TD. MLB Brian Bosworth had an outstanding game limiting the Muscle Men’s ground gains, as he continually shed FB Bulldozer’s lead blocks to get good tackles on Ricky Williams. Still, Williams was able to finish with 72 yards and a TD. And frankly, any of those TDs were plenty with El Paso’s offensive shortcomings. Milwaukee gets another shutout and again climbs over .500 on the season as the Busters go down 21-0.

*****

Another troublesome game for Cincinnati as the high-powered offense of the Knoxville Rednecks came to town. Knoxville had had a fine season to date, possibly better than might’ve been expected considering their unspectacular defense. Cincinnati has been just awful on offense and defense and had only a victory over Fargo to crow about on the year.

As was usual, Knoxville's offense was off and running from the opening play. Poor Cincinnati matched up one of the least talented secondaries in the league against the league’s most potent air attack with Thumbless Jackson and the JJ – Luke Jackson tandem. The hugely overmatched secondary gave up the highest yardage total on the year, 431 yards and 3 TDs, with Jackson Jackson pulling in an impressive 203 yards to go along with 2 TDs. In the second half, the wide-open passing attack led to the ground game opening up. OG Fort Sumter Jackson led the way through the soft Chap DTs and the Knoxville offensive line in general dominated the battle. Leon Jackson managed 113 yards and 3 TDs as the Chap defenders provided little resistance.

Offensively, QB Mr. Shmallow had a fairly impressive performance. Although he didn’t complete much on CB Deion Jackson’s side of the field, rookie WR Population: Tire and Senor Cardgage each took turns burning S Pass It Somewhere Else Jackson on a fairly regular basis. Even when the wideouts were fairly well-covered, Mr. Shmallow did a fine job of fitting the ball into tight spaces, giving Cincinnati some hope that they have a QB they can compete with (it also helps he wasn’t running for his life like usual behind his offensive line). Unfortunately for Cincinnati, the Knoxville DT’s John Harvard Jackson and Josiah Jackson were factors in the running game even if they weren’t able to mount much of a pass rush. RB Bubs looked a bit worn down from the season (give him a break, he is 34 after all) and went down a bit too easily at times. Put it all together and it equaled another blowout loss for the Chaps, as they showed some promising signs for the future while getting killed in the present. Knoxville wins 42-14 and moves to 6-3, while Cincinnati falls to 1-8.

*****

Little Rock, still high from their crushing win over Cincinnati last week, was given no time to enjoy their victory with Albuquerque next on their schedule. The Isotopes had lost only two games all year, behind a dominant offense and an improving (although still work-in-progress) defense. But Little Rock could boast an offense of their own with the R&R tandem of Rotten and Rajah at QB and RB as well as some skilled defensive players including S Red Herring, one of the favorites for the DROY award.

But QB Moe Sizzlack had the answer for Red Herring today. His renowned accuracy gave his receivers a chance even against the best coverage from the secondary. With OT Ralph Wiggum doing a great job keeping DE L.L. Jeeber D. away from Kid Gruesome, the passing game clicked perfectly. Against a great secondary, Sizzlack shredded the Slick Willies for 245 yards and 3 TDs. On the ground, the Isotopes didn’t do a great job running up the middle with DT Henry Blitzen frequently mauling the center of the Isotope line, but RB Guy Incognito found room to run outside, and FB Drederick Tatum did a fine job lead blocking for his back. Incognito was able to get a pair of touchdowns to go along with 92 yards rushing.

The Slick Willies knew they’d have to have their offense revved up to keep pace with the Isotope offensive machine and their ground game did that and more. RB Rajah Salaeem was a one-man wrecking crew on offense, busting out 134 yards and 3 TDs with little help from his offensive line or fullback. The problem for Little Rock was the surprising meltdown of their passing game. DT Nelson “The Hammer” Muntz had a part in disrupting Rotten’s timing and S Troy McClure showed some impressive coverage on WR Bruce Spinner, as both were instrumental in limiting Little Rock to only one touchdown in the air by each getting a turnover deep in Isotope territory. The inability to move the ball well in the air limited the Slick Willies to ‘only’ 28 points, giving Albuquerque their 7th win on the season with a 35-28 score.

*****

To understand what watching the LA – Chicago game was like, you’d have to watch highlight reels from the early 1900’s where passing was a complete afterthought. You half-expected the teams to form up the flying wedge and have at each other, so poor was the passing in this game and so good was the running.

To start off, Chicago went to their smashmouth offense early to jumpstart what had been a miserable attack these past couple of weeks. To their credit, they were able to establish something against the Stars. Although Brad Pitt did a great job as usual (16 tackles), the rest of the LA front 6 did a poor job in defending the run (OG Tom Sanders may have had something to do with that as well), while FB Josh Hackenstein was solid on the lead block and Randy Steele had a great day grabbing a trio of touchdowns. As mentioned though, the passing game was abysmal. Although OT John Tate did a good job in holding off DE Toby McGwire for the most part, rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly was covered like a blanket by S Ray Liotta, while lightly regarded CB Mia Sorvino had no difficulty in handling veteran WR Chad Spears. QB Mike “Air” Marino continued his role as ‘Most frustrated quarterback in the ZFL’ as he was only able to throw for a puny 114 yards against the Star defense.

LA’s Bernie Mac was pleased not to have to carry too much of the offensive load against Chicago. Aiming directly for their weak run defense, the Stars’ offensive line demolished Chicago’s defensive line. Just as his counterpart and as he had been doing all year long, MLB El Capone had a big day statistically (15 tackles), but Chicago could not stop RB Rodney Dangerfield, who ended the day with 177 yards and 3 TDs. But like Chicago, the Star offense was limited to the ground. Despite OTs Mathew MacConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr. giving Bernie Mac all day to throw, his throws were too often off the mark for the receivers to do much with the ball. Add in the great coverage from the Chicago secondary of S Shut Down (excellent job in limiting WR Ashton Kucher to 3 catches and 41 yards) and CB Sean Sharper and LA came close to equaling Chicago’s output through the air with 108 yards passing.

After the Neanderthal head butting had concluded, the score remained tied at 21. Bring on the kickers!

Battle of the Little kickers! Chicago actually had to wake up K Little Foot to get him out to the middle of the field (apparently the run-fest was a turn-off for him). The LA sideline cheered as hero K Little Val Junior trotted out to face off against his opponent. A couple of giant trucks towed in the prop to be used for today’s contest: a giant maze of mirrors. Each kicker would begin at the opposite end of the maze and race as best they could to complete the maze. If they didn’t meet up, the winner would be whomever completed the maze first. If they did meet up, the winner would be whomever was further along in the maze. Besides 7 years bad luck, breaking a mirror was also grounds for disqualification.

Both kickers began the maze slowly. Little Foot had a hard time in particular, looking like he had a headache from seeing himself reflected in numerous directions and constantly running into the walls of the maze. Little Val adjusted quickly after his initial troubles and began making his way as best he could. Little Foot’s head was spinning a bit as he moved forward and realized he had come to a closed intersection and had to turn around. Little Val eventually ran into the same problem and had to retrace his steps back. The retracing led to a lot of confusion for the kickers as they tried to determine where they had been and where they were going. It was a bit difficult to see who was making more progress, but it seemed like Little Foot was actually started to do better and get the hang of the maze. This continued until some minutes later, when Little Foot saw the exit in a reflection while Little Val was still figuring out where he was. Little Foot tried to follow the reflection and finally figured out what direction it was coming from. He turned left, then right, then right again, and there it was stretching out before him! A stunning upset for Chicago…until he stepped out and realized he exited the same entrance from where he began. His groan of disgust actually helped Little Val get his bearings and find the correct way to his real exit. LA gets the 3 points and the win, 24-21.

*****

Finally, an important game for Portland this week as a prelude to their showdown next week with San Antonio as they squared off against the Olympians. If they were to lose this week, that means that the winner of next week’s Portland – SA match would take the title with a win. If Portland could pull off a win today and next week, only they could clinch a title with a win, with San Antonio having to beat Portland and these same Olympians the final week of the year to take home the revrew trophy.

This was a hard fought close game most of the way. Portland’s dynamic offensive line met its match against Birmingham’s stellar defensive line. Although OG Eric Flamebeard was able to win most of his battles against DT Hera, DT Cyclopes did an impressive job disrupting their inside running game by overpowering Tim the Troll at the point of attack. On the edges, OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro and DE Another Atlantis fought to a standstill, while OT Lothar Richthofen had a long day against the original Atlantis. Without the offensive line blasting holes open, RB Lothar Dirtpounder looked a little intimidated (it didn’t help that the lead blocking from FB Mr. Bungle was subpar) and the Olympian LBs Excaliber and Aristotle did a good job tracking him down. The Portland passing game was mostly ineffective as well. QB Paddy O looked a bit shaken with DE Atlantis breathing down his throat and missed his share of throws to WR Manfred von Richthofen, who had his hands full against S Odysseus.

For the Olympians, the offensive struggles they had had all year continued under pressure from Portland’s defense. QB Zeus Reloaded was constantly flushed from the pocket by Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III (DT Captain Bipto was actually slowed down some by G Another Troy), and had nary a chance to find an open receiver with CB Master Hu Li draped over favorite target WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar. Meanwhile, the Military Middle did a great job in preventing the Olympians from getting anything going running the ball. HB Roman usually fell right in behind massive G Another Troy as he had in previous weeks, but with Captain Bipto battling him ferociously, MLB Sectoid Commander had a more or less easy time bring Roman down before he could do real damage.

Back and forth the two teams went for the better part of four quarters. K Juan “Voodoo” Valisco started warming up on the Portland sideline as it didn’t appear that there would be a thaw in the offensive action. But when it appeared the game was headed for overtime, S Odysseus finally slipped up against WR Manfred von Richthofen, who made an acrobatic catch along the left sideline at the Olympian 46 and sprinted towards the end zone. CB Hektor was barely able to track him down, but not before The Manchild brought Portland down to the two yard line. With about two minutes remaining, once the Sea Biscuit formation was lined up, Paddy O snapped the ball immediately and handed off to Lothar Dirtpounder. Somewhat surprised, Birmingham didn’t appear to be well set for the play and Dirtpounder followed Erik Flamebeard into the end zone for the first score of the day. Birmingham went four and out on their final series, with DE Dr. Hans Schlotnik getting the game-clinching sack on Zeus Reloaded. Portland wins 7-0 and remains unbeaten with a chance to lock up the first revrew trophy next week against San Antonio.


Standings after Week 9

PT 9-0 (98)
SA 8-1 (45)
AQ 7-2 (224)
KX 6-3 (227) (won head to head vs. LA)
LA 6-3 (161)
MW 5-4 (84)
LR 4-5 (192) (won head to head vs. BH)
BH 4-5 (101)
CH 2-7 (209)
EP 2-7 (262)
CN 1-8 (308)
FG 0-9 (343)

[illinifan999]

I so need a real kicker.

[sachmo71]

PT kicker wins the game for them.
I lost to AQs kicker.
-------------------------

San Antonio loses to Portland 3-0. Bank on it.

[Marmel]

Another notch in the belt of Little Val. :)

[Coffee Warlord]

Voodoo Jalisco remains the Greatest Kicker to Never Play A Game!

[illinifan999]

bump

[JAG]

Sorry guys, was out for the weekend and busy at the end of last week. I'll get the writeups as soon as I can.

[illinifan999]

Take your time, just making sure it doesnt go to page 2. :)

[Coffee Warlord]

Manfred von Richthofen says...

Mein bump!

[JAG]

Week 10

It seems like the current league trend is the widening gap between the top and bottom ZFL teams. Read on...

*****

A tale of two teams traveling totally different routes was told today as Knoxville, winners of 3 straight, battled Chicago, losers of 6 straight, including two heartbreaking overtime losses. The teams were separate in more than just their records, as Chicago has relied heavily upon an unbalanced offense more suited to running and a defense more suited to stopping the pass, while Knoxville’s offense boasts balance with Thumbless throwing and Leon Jackson running, and the defense is mostly average to above average in all areas.

Chicago’s wrecking ball attack was in full effect against Knoxville. Knoxville’s defensive line and linebackers are a solid but not outstanding group, and they couldn’t take the pounding from the great trio of Tom Sanders, Josh Hackenstein, and Randy Steele, yielding 141 yards and 3 TDs. The story on the passing game was a familiar refrain. Chicago, which had scored 20 rushing TDs this year against THREE passing TDs, couldn’t find any consistency against Knoxville. The Eagles’ only real pass receiving option amongst the wideouts, WR O. DeJuan Gavly, was not even thrown to with CB Deion Jackson in smothering coveage, while S Pass it Somewhere Else Jackson was thankful for the soft assignment of taking care of WR Chad Spears.

It would be up to Chicago’s defense, led by their stellar secondary, to slow down the ‘Neck offense to give themselves a chance to win. But for one week at least, Knoxville put to rest talk of how great Chicago’s secondary is. With little pass rush, S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper were forced to cover for too long and couldn’t keep up with either Jackson Jackson or Luke Jackson. MLB El Capone did a nice job helping out against shorter passes over the middle, but OLB Ray Brown looked overmatched in helping out on curl routes. Both receivers ended up eclipsing 100 yards on the day and totaled 3 TDs (2 for JJ, 1 for LJ). Chicago’s notorious run defense was once again held accountable for another disastrous performance. OG Fort Sumter Jackson was dominant against rookie DT Donovan Lork, and the offensive line in general bullied the Chicago line, allowing Leon Jackson to have his usual good game of 122 yards and 3 TDs. Knoxville continues to put the finishing touches on a fine season as they take care of Chicago with a 42-21 trouncing.

*****

Another pair of teams having completely opposite seasons met as Albuquerque and Cincinnati collided. The Chaps were ready for the season to end and the offseason of hope to begin, while the Isotopes were looking to petition the league for another shot at the two teams that beat them, each by only a touchdown.

Cincinnati’s defense was under siege from the opening gun. OT Ralph Wiggum handled DE Strong Mad adroitly and QB Moe Sizzlack had an easy day, especially when WR Quagmire lined up on CB The Blacksmith. Sizzlack again surpassed the 400 yard mark with 408 yards and 3 TDs. FB Drederick Tatum had an excellent day lead blocking for RB Guy Incognito, whose moves frequently left MLB Fluffy Puff Marshmallow grasping at air. He finished up with 137 yards and 3 TDs. Cincinnati did have some success in the passing game, with WRs Population: Tire and Senor Cardgage each catching TD passes and getting 80+ yards, but the running game ran into The Hammer that is DT Nelson Muntz. Muntz’s big body prevented the Chaps from getting anything inside, which let OLB Kearney flow nicely to the ball when the play was strung out to the sideline. A surprisingly strong effort from the Isotopes’ run defense held Chaps RB Bubs to a piddling 57 yards and no scores. Blowout victory for Albuquerque as Cincinnati stumbles to another loss, 42-14.

*****

A couple of strong running teams battled today when Little Rock’s Rajah-led ground attack squared off against Fargo’s Glutton for Punishment and his Ordinary Guys offensive line. But while Fargo’s running game this year has been fairly impressive, the rest of the team has not been up to snuff (to say the least). Unfortunately for them, today would be no different than the preceding 9 weeks.

Even facing DT Henry Blitzen, Fargo didn’t have a hard time running the ball as OG Ray fought him off enough that Ty Wick and Glutton for Punishment had plenty of daylight to run to. But it was another frustrating day for Fargo’s passing game. While QB El Poopiehead had good protection against DE L.L. JeeberD’s furious pass rush thanks to rookie OT Charlie, he found the passing a bit harder to come by with S Red Herring patrolling the field. Herring finished with an INT off a poorly thrown ball and a few other nice passes defensed, while CB Tommy “TNT” Toothpick also had an INT.

You can imagine what happened on the other side of the ball with Fargo’s overmatched defense facing the R&R attack of the Slick Willies. Little Rock’s offensive duo both were magnificient in leading the offense to victory. RB Rajah Saleem had a field day with Fargo’s defense missing numerous tackles and, despite not getting much of a push up front, finished with 146 yards and 3 TDs. QB Johnny Rotten used his accurate throws to complete some long throws downfield and essentially, Little Rock moved the ball at will against the ‘Fish. Another impressive offensive outburst from the Slick Willies gives them a 42-21 victory and brings them to .500 with a game to go.

*****

Just like the above game, this one also had a drastic mismatch of quarterbacks. QB Bernie Mac has at times hamstrung the Star passing game, while at times Dan McGwire has been the entire El Paso passing game. And today that seemed to be the difference…the triumph of a team effort over an individual.

El Paso was able to find some offensive success running the ball behind bruising FB Rashaan Salaam. Salaam did a great job keeping MLB Brad Pitt off of RB Blair Thomas (102 yards, 2 TDs), allowing him to get to the secondary at times and generally have a strong day. But in something of a surprise, McGwire had great trouble facing the talented Star defense. DEs Toby McGwire and Robert DeNiro feasted on their mismatches with the Buster OTs and each finished with matching a matching 3.5 sacks. In addition, S Ray Liotta completely shut down WR Rae Carruth, while even CB Mia Sorvino had success facing WR Yatil Green. Throw in Brad Pitt and OLB The Real Gus doing a good job patrolling the shorter passes and McGwire had nowhere to go with the ball (when he was upright).

LA came out of the gate running strong behind their talented offensive line. In fact, the line was so good it was the rare play where the Busters’ defensive line didn’t get blown off the ball. MLB Brian Bosworth was a tackling machine this game (19 tackles) mostly because no one else could make a tackle. The Stars mixed up their running plays enough to keep El Paso guessing and had success running all over the line, as was evidenced by RB Rodney Dangerfield scoring three touchdowns, with each coming behind a different offensive lineman (OTs Mathew McConaughey and Freddie Prinze Jr., and OG Howard Stern). Bernie Mac had lots of time to throw the ball, but was off the mark on most of his throws. He did end up with slightly above-average stats because on a short pass he completed to WR Ashton Kucher, Kucher shook off an arm tackle from CB Tommy Knight, juked S Patrick Bates out of his cleats, and sprinted to a 51 yard TD. A good effort from the Busters against an LA team that has done far better than some prognosticators had assumed, but they fall short and lose 28-14 as the Stars improve their record to 7-3.

*****

Pity the offensive players in this game. Two of the toughest defenses in the league squared off today against a pair of offenses that could only be described as Pee-Wee league (well, I guess dysfunctional would also fit well). If you like offense, for the love of God, please stop reading now.

Each team tried to outdo the other in causing pain and suffering to the opposing quarterback. OLB Superman kept lining up outside DE Rocky and was essentially unblockable today, totaling five sacks, with many of them huge hits that really rattled QB Zeus Reloaded. Even worse was the carnage from the Olympian defense facing the Muscle Men offense, as Milwaukee’s poor offensive line was completely overwhelmed by the Birmingham superstars along the defensive line, as the Atlantis DEs combined for 6.5 sacks and the Hera / Cyclopes duo at DT added another 2.5. With both QBs having virtually no time to throw the ball, and with players like CB Patrick Surtain of Milwaukee and S Odysseus of Birmingham providing great coverage on the wideouts, neither team could muster much of anything. Running backs faired little better than the quarterbacks did. OG Troy did a fine job on rookie DT No Name Necessary today, but the linebackers Superman and Zach “Clog the Middle” Thomas were far too active and went unblocked too many times for the Olympians to get their ground game going. For the Muscle Men, the play of the offensive line was so awful and the play of Birmingham’s defensive line was so outstanding, that the Olympian linebackers barely had any work to do. Once again, the talented backfield of Milwaukee couldn’t accomplish anything with multiple defenders in the backfield at a time. Both teams turned in noteworthy defensive gems, as the two teams combined for a pitiful 272 yards of offense and a combined score of 0 at the end of the fourth quarter. Bring on the kickers!

Kicker king Bruce “I’ll kick your butt!” Handily trotted out to meet fellow kicker Uranus, who if you recall had the unfortunate incident in the elephant race earlier this year. And interestingly enough, the contest scheduled for this week involved another race, although not with animals. The playing field turf was removed along the outside portion of the field, revealing a six-foot wide stretch of dirt track as two Harley-Davidson motorcycles were brought onto the field. The kickers would race four laps around the outside of the field, with the first to cross the finish line being the winner. The only twist in the competition was a little jump that was erected just in front of the finish line that the kickers would have to take each lap around the field.

From the start, this looked like a mismatch and it became readily apparent as the kickers mounted their bikes. Handily looked very comfortable while Uranus looked like he would’ve preferred to be riding the elephant again. As the race started, Handily took an early lead by taking a better line on the turns while Uranus was just getting used to the feel of the bike. Handily took the jump and landed with such smoothness that he barely slowed as he completed his first lap. Uranus’ jump, sadly, did not go quite as well. He was unable to control the bike in the air properly and hit front wheel first, causing him to tumble forward off the bike in a crash judges would’ve scored an 8.8. Bruised but with no bones broken, he endeavored to get back on the bike, but by that time, Handily was out to such a huge lead that he changed to a much more conservative riding style and cruised to an easy victory, giving Milwaukee the 3-0 win over Birmingham. As a consolation prize, in memory of his falling off the elephant earlier in the year and his tumble from the bike in his latest mishap, Uranus has been dubbed “Master of Pain”.

*****

Portland vs. San Antonio, this week's feature event...will be coming soon…:)

[JAG]

dola

Portland vs. San Antonio

A true clash of the titans this week, undefeated Portland taking on once-defeated San Antonio. A win by Portland clinches the revrew trophy and Portland's second title in three seasons, while a Margarita victory puts them in the driver’s seat headed into the final week of the season.

At the start of the game, the two great defenses began to exert themselves almost immediately. Portland QB Paddy O dropped back on the first play looking for star WR Manfred von Richthofen, but as he pulled the ball back, DE All Pro came around OT Lothar von Richthofen and swatted the ball out of the QB's hands. Fumble! MLB Ray Lewis scooped it up and had a clear shot at the end zone, if not for Erik Flamebeard’s heads up (and quite athletic) play, diving at Lewis’ knees and bringing him down at the Portland 15.

With great field position, San Antonio looked to capitalize with a score. Didn’t happen. On second down, DT Captain Bipto of the Military Middle bull-rushed past OG Lone Star and forced up a wobbly pass from Ryan Leaf. Master Hu Li had good coverage on rookie Finlandia The Chilly and picked it off, with his momentum carrying him out of bounds.

Still deep in their own territory, Portland decided to lean on the strength of their team, their outstanding offensive line and running attack. But San Antonio had the answer and his name was Ray Lewis. Dirtpounder would consistently run through holes created by Flamebeard only to find Lewis filling the holes, blasting past rookie FB Mr. Bungle, and ferociously tackling Dirtpounder. For the first time this year, Dirtpounder looked truly intimidated by a defensive player and he started getting more tentative at the line. On fourth and 8, Paddy O had Manfred von Richthofen wide open against CB Bryant Westbrook, but couldn’t hit him as he was taken down again by DE All Pro, putting San Antonio 6 yards from paydirt.

This time, San Antonio pulled out a play straight from their first game this season. Play action pass with Leaf running a bootleg to the right. The fake worked well, except OLB Zoinks McAllister was closing fast on Leaf when he threw a dart to Finlandia. Master Hu Li had good position on the ball, but Cool Finlandia coolly fought him for it and came up with it. 7-0 Margaritas!

Portland shifted their strategy to go with more quick-hitting passes to get The Manchild more involved in the offense. The plan started well, with Richthofen catching consecutive passes for 16 and 13 yards respectively. San Antonio reacted by dropping Ray Lewis deeper into coverage on the plays and by stressing knocking down passes to their defensive linemen. Paddy O didn’t react well to the changes, misfiring on a couple of balls, having one knocked down by All Pro, and finally having a fourth down throw picked off by Ray Lewis.

The Margaritas sensed they had the advantage and move to pound the ball. The Military Middle made running up the gut a challenge, but on the edge, the Sea Biscuits were more vulnerable. FB Teeny did a good job keeping RB Mutt clear of the Portland linebackers, and the Margaritas slowed the pace of the game down while picking up yards. Finally, on the Portland 4 yard line, OG Lone Star finally was able to clear out DT Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III, allowing Teeny to get a body on Sectoid Commander and keeping him off Mutt, who dove in for San Antonio’s second score on the day.

More disaster struck for the Sea Biscuits on the next play. Paddy O went back to throw another quick one to Richthofen when Westbrook broke on the pass. Interception! A great read by Westbrook, who was immediately dropped by Richthofen, but not before Paddy O had thrown his second pick in the first half. The short field allowed San Antonio to pound in another score behind Lone Star and take a 21-0 lead, an almost insurmountable lead with their defense.

The second half of the game was fairly lackluster compared with the first half. Portland’s defense stiffened and didn’t allow the Margaritas any further scores, but San Antonio’s defense held stout as well and continued to frustrate the Sea Biscuits. When the final gun sounded, the final score was the same as the halftime score. San Antonio knocks off unbeaten Portland 21-0 and takes the lead in the standings with one week to go in the season.

*****

So San Antonio moves ahead of Portland in the race for the title. But it’s not over yet. Next week Portland should have an easy win facing the Chaps, but the Margaritas face a tough defense with the Olympians coming to town. As you may recall from earlier this year, the Margaritas lost for the first time in two seasons to a team very similar in defensive style to the Olympians. Stay tuned for the completion of the season…coming soon.

Standings after Week 10

SA 9-1 (45)
PT 9-1 (119)
AQ 8-2 (238)
KX 7-3 (248) (won head to head vs. LA)
LA 7-3 (175)
MW 6-4 (84)
LR 5-5 (213)
BH 4-6 (104)
CH 2-8 (251)
EP 2-8 (290)
CN 1-9 (350)
FG 0-10 (385)

[sachmo71]

WOW!

[Coffee Warlord]

Told ya! Surprised we lost THAT bad, but I knew it.

[tucker342]

ouch... this season has been one hell of a big bust...

[JeeberD]

Bumpsters!

[JeeberD]

More bumpies?

[JAG]

It's coming today. I've been busy, but it's been too long. No sleep tonight until it's done. :)

EDIT: well, not quite...but ASAP it will be finished (should be Wed. morning).

[JAG]

Week 11

*****

A hard fought game with a heart-warming tale was played between the Milwaukee Muscle Men and Little Rock Slick Willies, the two teams making up the middle of the ZFL standings. Both teams have some solid core players giving them hope to take another step up the standings for the upcoming season. But both teams clearly wanted very badly to get that last win to carry over for next year.

Despite Little Rock’s offensive stars, the game quickly became a defensive struggle. OLB Superman was mainly tasked with containing RB Rajah Saleem and he was able to keep him fairly bottled up on the day. DT No Name Necessary put the finishing touches on a fine rookie campaign in making plays in the middle on Saleem and also in getting a good pass rush on Johnny Rotten. But on the other side of the ball, S Red Herring made his own bid for DROY by laying such punishing hits on WR Lightning of the Muscle Men that Lightning essentially started giving up on his routes. That wasn’t the only problem for Milwaukee’s passing game as Henry Blitzen and L.L. JeeberD came up big with 6 sacks on the day and were a constant disruptive force.

So why was this game a heart-warming tale? In the third quarter, Milwaukee got the ball on the Little Rock 35 as a result of a sack and forced fumble by Superman that was recovered by Zach “Clog the Middle” Thomas. A quick pass to Nothing But Touchdowns gained 12 yards and two runs by Ricky Williams behind the blocking of FB Bulldozer yielded another 18 and gave Milwaukee a 1st and goal. Now, the Milwaukee offensive line has been much maligned all year long and taking the brunt of that was OT No Sacks Allowed, who went from star to ordinary cog with his offseason injury. On this 1st and goal play, No Sacks Allowed channeled his play from last year and drove rookie DE L.L. AnotherJeeberD off the line with a surprisingly powerful effort, giving Ricky Williams enough room to burst to the 2 yard line where OLB Little Ray’s arm tackle wasn’t enough to bring Williams down before he scooted into the end zone for the game’s only score. Milwaukee wins 7-0 and finishes at 7-4 while Little Rock has its second consecutive 5-6 season.

*****

In one of two games with significance in determining the ZFL champion for the year, Portland needed a win over Cincinnati to stay in contention, as a loss would give San Antonio the title without even needing a win over Birmingham. Fortunately, this was not exactly a tall order.

Portland’s offense put pressure on the Chaps early as the Portland line blew the Cinci defensive line away. Dirtpounder ended up averaging 6 yards a carry and on most plays didn’t run into traffic until he was 3-4 yards down the field. QB Paddy O had a fine game with little pass rush to worry about (OT Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro pitched a shutout against Strong Mad) and WR Manfred von Richthofen benefited greatly from it, torching CB The Blacksmith for 162 yards and 2 TDs. Cincinnati’s offense didn’t fair nearly so well. The running game was non-existant as the middle of the Chap OL was far out-classed by the Military Middle. This made things very difficult for Cincinnati QB Mr Shmallow, who did what he could, but ultimately had only moderate success against Portland by completing passes for 200 yards and a TD, but marred by two INTs (one by CB Master Hu Li, who would finish as the league leader in INTs) as Portland breezed to an easy 35-7 win. A final disastrous performance by the Chaps to close out the season and clinch the 2nd overall pick in the draft, while Portland had to wait and see how San Antonio would fair against the Olympians.

*****

And the only reason Cincinnati wouldn’t get the first pick in the draft this year is because Fargo already laid claim to that ‘honor’. Chicago had barely had a better season, with only a couple of wins against some lightly regarded teams providing the balance of their victories. Still, they looked to beating Fargo as a way to springboard them into next season.

Both teams shined on the ground in this game. Chicago’s El Capone tried as he might to contain Fargo’s Glutton for Punishment with his 14 tackles, but without much help from his teammates, he was left to watch GFP pound out yards easily behind the Ordinary Guys OG Ray and OT Charlie. Not only that, the ‘Fish, figuring they had little to lose, gave FB Ty Wick a number of carries on the day and he didn’t disappoint with an 8 ypc average on 8 runs and a TD to go along with GFP’s 103 yards and 2 TDs. Chicago’s running game was just as impressive. OG Tom Sanders finished off another stellar season pancaking Fargo star DT The Defense four times and RB Randy Steele had a huge game running behind FB Josh Hackensetein against the soft ‘Fish defense finishing with 171 yards and 3 TDs. Now both teams had also struggled mightily all year trying to generate any passing offense. Only one team would be able to get something going today and prevent the game from going to overtime.

And that team was Chicago. QB Mike “Air” Marino was finally able to show off his talent facing a weak pass rush and poor pass defenders, as he was able to complete passes for 210 yards, including a TD strike to rookie WR O. DeJuan Gavly and a short one to FB Josh Hackenstein. Fargo’s beleaguered rookie QB El Poopiehead finished off a miserable season with a 130 yards 2 interception effort thanks mainly to the Chicago secondary tandem of S Shut Down and CB Sean Sharper and MLB El Capone doing a stand-up job covering backs on passing routes. Fargo completes their perfect 0-11 season while Chicago finishes up with 3 wins as the season ends for both teams with a 35-21 Eagles win.

*****

Elsewhere, Albuqueque was looking to finish up their fine season in third place (guaranteed only with a win) against the LA Stars. The Albuquerque passing game had terrorized teams all year, but facing the triumvirate of Ray Liota, Brad Pitt, and Toby McGwire, would that trend continue?

As usual for the Stars, their passing game provided little spark with Bernie Mac throwing his inaccurate passes despite a pretty good game for Ashton Kucher overall (8 catches for 102 yards over rookie CB James L. Brooks). But unfortunately for the Isotopes, Rodney Dangerfield led a strong running effort, churning out yards behind his talented offensive line. Worthy of note was OG Howard Stern doing a good job slowing down DT Nelson “The Hammer’ Muntz from clogging up the middle, allowing Dangerfield to find holes all along the trenches. He finished with 148 yards and 3 TDs. That might’ve been enough against most teams, but for the high-powered Isotopes, it wasn’t enough.

The real hero of the day for the Isotopes was OT Ralph Wiggum, who had one of the toughest match-ups of the day in facing DE Toby “Spiderman” McGwire. Wiggum showed why he is one of the premier offensive tackles in the ZFL by holding McGwire to one tackle on the day and giving Moe Sizzlack time to hit his receivers. Wiggum also plowed McGwire out of the way on the Isotopes’ only score on the ground, a 6 yard scamper by RB Guy Incognito (although give Brad Pitt credit, because he single-handedly kept Incognito from taking over the game with 13 tackles). With enough time to throw, Sizzlack was able to hit Quagmire for 2 TDs and The Cheat for another, giving the Isotopes just enough to get by the Stars 28-21 for their 9th victory on the year.

*****

El Paso met up with Knoxville in one of the worst mismatches of the week. The Busters had had a season to forget with only wins over Fargo and Cincinnati to build on, while Knoxville had a solid season at 7-3 led by their powerful offense. Surely this would be a forgettable game to finish off both team’s seasons.

And sure enough, El Paso’s defense did little to hamper the ‘Neck offense. MLB Brian Bosworth had a strong game trying to contain Leon Jackson (17 tackles) but his teammates so thoroughly let him down that Leon still managed to crank out 104 yards and 2 TDs. Thumbless had an even easier day throwing the ball to his two talented targets Luke and Jackson Jackkson. Facing little to no pass rush and with his receivers clearly outclassing the coverage, Thumbless had a huge day, throwing for 352 yards and 3 TDs.

El Paso faced long odds to equal such scoring output, but the offense stepped it up today behind the leadership of QB Dan McGwire. McGwire led a potent air attack, garnering 250 which opened up the ‘Neck defense for the running game to shine. Rookie MLB Opie Jackson was in good position to make plays on RB Blair Thomas, but a great day of blocking from FB Rashaan Salaam let Thomas run free into the secondary. Two TDs from Thomas, a TD from Salaam, and a TD catch by Rae “I’m Innocent!” Carruth had El Paso behind by a TD for most of the 4th quarter. With under a minute to go and the Busters with a final chance to bring the game to overtime, McGwire directed one of his finest drives of the season, hitting Salaam with a pair of short passes that each went for 14 yards and Carruth on a nice 18-yard sideline pass. On the Knoxville 11, McGwire looked to Carruth but had to turn away as he was blanketed by CB Deion Jackson who had already picked him off once in the game. DT Josiah Jackson fought through a block and laid a hand on McGwire just as he fired a bullet to little used WR Yatil Green for the game-tying touchdown. The Knoxville sideline deflated as they realized what the tie game meant…bring on the kickers!

Kicker Eli Manning has had a season to forget and would have an uphill struggle to defeat Buster kicker Scott ‘Missin’ Sisson, who had one loss earlier on the season to Sir Gary Coleman, who had been strong all year long. And strength would be the theme for the gladiator duel of the day as the two kickers would square off in a ‘Test Your Strength’ battle set up just like the carnival game of old. Two oversized mallets were passed out to each kicker to see who could get the bell to ring or get the counter highest up on the pole.

Scott ‘Missin’’ Sisson, true to his name, actually missed the plunger on his first swing, but fortunately it didn’t cost him a turn and he swung again. The counter rose to 8 on the pole (out of 10) and settled back down.

On Manning’s first swing, he too rang an 8.

Sisson altered his approach for his second swing, running up to get a little momentum. It seemed to work for him as he was able to improve to a 9.

Manning tried to use the same approach, but it ended up disrupting his rhythm and he had to settle for a 7. Was Knoxville going to end their fine season on the wrong side of another kicking duel? Would Manning return to Knoxville only to be tar-and-feathered for his performance this year?

For Sisson’s final swing, he arched his back to a grotesque angle and then sprung his body forward. The mallet clanged down and the counter rose…8…9…9.5…so close, but no bell. With that swing, Manning would have to manage to ring the bell to win.

This time, Manning improvised a bit himself. Unlike his previous swings, for this one he dropped back as if to throw a pass, holding the mallet cocked behind his body. When he swung, he let the mallet drift closer to him before bringing it back behind him again and whipping it onto the plunger. The sound echoed throughout the stadium and the counter flew up…and rung the bell! Manning and Knoxville win!

Another heartbreaker of a loss for El Paso against a topnotch team, but there’s certainly some hope for the future of their franchise, especially with a pair of first round picks on the horizon. But the present belongs to Knoxville who finish off a fine season 8-3 in fourth place with a 38-35 victory.

*****

Finally, we have the last game of the season and the one to decide the winner of the revrew trophy. A victory by San Antonio would clinch back-to-back titles for the Margaritas, while a win by Birmingham would deliver the season championship to Portland. A tough defensive struggle was expected for both sides today as the two teams boasted perhaps the two best defensive lines in all the ZFL. Sure enough, that’s exactly what transpired.

The entire first half was an exercise in offensive futility. QB Ryan Leaf found getting the ball downfield difficult with Atlantis and Another Atlantis bearing down on him. HB Roman’s play for the half could be termed the Fall of Rome as MLB Ray Lewis consistently brought him down for little gain. OG Lone Star helped RB Mutt clear a little space in the middle of the Olympian defense, but even as he took DT Hera out of a number of plays, DT Cyclopes was there to disrupt the Margarita running game. QB Zeus Reloaded was under constant pressure with DE All Pro winning more than his fair share of battles against OT Cronus. Both teams went into halftime preparing to make adjustments to improve on their performances.

San Antonio realized the futility of trying to use their usual passing attack and decided to opt for shorter routes and more 3-step drops to minimize the pass rush off the edge. This helped breathe new life into the Margarita offense, as Leaf began to click on some of the shorter routes. Finally towards the end of the third, they got a semblance of a drive going with an 8-yard out to Finlandia the Chlly who was blasted by S Odysseus but managed to hold onto the ball and a 15-yard completion to Primetime moving them to the Olympian 31 yard line. But the drive stalled when DT Cyclopes stuffed an attempted 4th and 3 run up the middle. The Birmingham plan in the third had been similar to that of the Margaritas, but they were unable to execute it as well, mainly due to the presense of Ray Lewis. San Antonio used him all over the field, coming off quick blitzes and sometimes covering short passes to the wideouts. Zeus Reloaded could only look on with disgust as his 3rd and 12 pass to WR Arnold Schwartzeneggar was picked off by a leaping Lewis and returned to the Olympian 14. Things looked grim for Birmingham as the third quarter came to a close.

On the first play of the fourth, the Margaritas called for a pass. Faking a quick throw, Leaf turned to hit WR Finlandia the Chilly, but had to pull back due to Odysseus’ coverage. As Another Atlantis rounded OT Two Ton Anchor, Leaf spotted an open Primetime and threw his direction before the defensive end could take him down. CB Hektor was too late getting to Primetime and the veteran hauled in the pass for the game’s first touchdown. San Antonio 7, Birmingham 0.

Birmingham tried to turn things around on their next possession with a first down run by Roman going for 14 yards as he followed a great clear-out block by Another Troy. On the very next play, another handoff to Roman, DT Aragorn crashed through the line and stripped Roman of the ball. A huge pileup ensued and it took a few minutes to get everyone off to figure out who had the ball. After clearing away the bodies, only one remained: DT Sack U, holding the football. Margarita ball deep in Olympian territory!

San Antonio shifted to its ground game. Ineffective in the first half, this time they moved FB Teeny close to the line so he would have a chance to double-team Cyclopes as Lone Star handled DT Hera. This worked to perfection, as Mutt was able to beat Excaliber with a cut to the outside and reeled off a 20 yard run. On first and goal, the Margaritas drew up the same play, held off the Olympian DTs, and watched as Mutt bowled Excaliber over and into the end zone for his only touchdown on the day. 14-0 Margaritas.

The Olympians would have two more possessions in the fourth quarter, but their offense wasn’t any more capable than they were earlier in the game. San Antonio completes its title defense and slams the door on another amazing defensive season with its seventh consecutive shutout and a 14-0 win over Birmingham. Congratulations San Antonio!

Final Standings for 2008

SA 10-1 (45) (won head-to-head)
PT 10-1 (126)
AQ 9-2 (259)
KX 8-3 (283)
LA 7-4 (203) (won head-to-head)
MW 7-4 (84)
LR 5-6 (220)
BH 4-7 (118)
CH 3-8 (272)
EP 2-9 (328)
CN 1-10 (385)
FG 0-11 (420)


Coming soon: League Leaders, ZFL 1st and 2nd All-Pro teams, Awards, and Pro Bowl voting.

Coming after that: Proposed changes for the upcoming year (including one very interesting proposal inspired by revrew).

[sachmo71]

:D

[digamma]

Eli saves face!

Congrats sachmo!

[Coffee Warlord]

We'll get you yet sach. Portland will reclaim their crown. Oh yes.

Until then, congrats!

[sachmo71]

thanks, guys!

[JeeberD]

Congrats Sachmo!

Damn that Missin' Sisson... :mad:

[tucker342]

Congrats sachmo!

[NevStar]

congrats margaritas

[illinifan999]

Congrats!

[JAG]

Quite a few familiar names taking their place at the head of the lists, but there are a fair share of newcomers as well.

ZFL Year-end Awards

Rushing TD leaders:
HB Rodney Dangerfield - LA
HB Lothar Dirtpounder - PT
HB Rajah Saleem - LR

Rushing yards leaders:
HB Rodney Dangerfield - LA
HB Rajah Saleem - LR
HB Lothar Dirtpounder - PT

Passing TD leaders:
QB Moe Sizzlack – AQ (by one TD)
QB Thumbless Jackson - KX
QB Dan McGwire - EP

Passing Yardage leaders:
QB Thumbless Jackson - KX
QB Moe Sizzlack - AQ
QB Dan McGwire - EP

Receiving TD leaders:
WR Jackson Jackson - KX
WR The Cheat - AQ
WR Luke Jackson - KX

Receiving yards leaders:
WR Jackson Jackson - KX
WR Manfred von Richthofen - PT
WR Senor Cardcage - CN

Pancake blocks:
OG Tom Sanders - CH
OG Erik Flamebeard - PT
OG Another Troy – BH

Fewest Sacks Allowed:
OT Ralph Wiggum – AQ
OT Leonardo Ruiz El Alvaro - PT
OT Freddie Prinze Jr. - LA

Tackles:
MLB Brian Bosworth - EP
MLB El Capone - CH
MLB Brad Pitt - LA

Sacks:
DE All Pro - SA
DE Toby McGwire - LA
OLB Superman - MW

INTs:
CB Master Hu Li - PT
S Red Herring - LR
S Odysseus - BH


OPOY: QB Moe Sizzlack - AQ
DPOY: MLB Ray Lewis - SA

OROY: QB Dan McGwire - EP
DROY: DT No Name Necessary - MW

MVP: QB Moe Sizzlack - AQ

[JAG]

All ZFL First Team
QB: Moe Sizzlack - AQ
HB: Rodney Dangerfield - LA
FB: Rashaan Salaam - EP
WR: Jackson Jackson - KX
WR: Manfred von Richthofen - PT
OT: Leonardo Ruiz Al Elvaro - PT
OT: Ralph Wiggum - AQ
OG: Erik Flamebeard - PT
OG: Tom Sanders - CH

DT: Colonel Joseph C. McCormick III - PT
DT: No Name Necessary - MW
MLB: Ray Lewis - SA
OLB: Superman - MW
DE: All Pro - SA
DE: Toby McGwire - LA
SF: Shut Down - CH
CB: Master Hu Li - PT

K: Sir Gary Coleman - AQ


All ZFL Second Team
QB: Thumbless Jackson - KX
HB: Lothar Dirtpounder - PT
FB: Josh Hackenstein - CH
WR: Luke Jackson - KX
WR: The Cheat - AQ
OT: Freddie Prinze, Jr. - LA
OT: Charlie - FG
OG: Lone Star - SA
OG: Fort Sumter Jackson - KX

DT: Captain Bipto - PT
DT: Sack U - SA
MLB: Brian Bosworth - EP
OLB: Aristotle - BH
DE: Another Atlantis - BH
DE: L.L.JeeberD - LR
SF: Red Herring - LR
CB: Sean Sharper - CH

K: Bruce Handily - MW


Next up: Pro Bowl voting (new thread will be up later)

[Coffee Warlord]

By the way JAG.

Now that you've got a season under your belt, lllow me to once again extend kudos for picking up the reigns and keeping the ZFL alive.

And if you injure any of my players, I'm gonna cut ya. :)

[JAG]

Thanks CW. And, uh.......*scrambles to redo the offseason injuries* :)

Hopefully things'll go smoother and quicker the second season. Things were getting easier overall towards the end of the season although I had less time. I have an idea or two for that that should improve things for the next season that I'll mention when I go over some potential upcoming improvements / changes.

[revrew]

Nice work, JAG, and congrats, sachmo. 45 points allowed? Dang.

[sachmo71]

Thanks, Rev! Good to see ya!