OT: Trust

[sachmo71]

I need some advice, so please read the following situation and respond if you wish.

You have a relative that you trust.
This is a relative that has proven very responsible in the past.
You entrust you child to this person.
While under the care of this relative, your child very nearly dies.
This person admits a moment of inattention that lead to the near death experience.
Do you ever trust this relative with your child again?

Would it be wrong to be angry at this person?
How about if the situation that lead to this accident was discussed and hilighted as an area of concern? Would that justify the anger or distrust of the relative?
Assume that the situation was clearly an accident.

Thanks for your responses/replies.

[Suicane75]

I think it's more of an ingrained feeling. You may want to trust them with all your heart, but if deep down inside you don't than it is what is. And it's fine to be angry.
If you talked about such an incident beforehand and it happened anway than yes, it surely justifies and exasperates any anger or distrust.

[JeeberD]

I know that if anything happened to my nieces while I was watching them I would be devistated. I'm almost certain that my brother-in-law wouldn't want me to watch them anymore, and that would hurt a ton. If I got a second chance in this hypothetical case, I would be certain to be damn near overprotective of the girls.

This being said, I think you have to go with your gut. If you can't leave your child with this person without worrying constantly, what good is it?

[JHandley]

I think Suicane is right. You either do or you don't. I think there are certain things people are incapable of being rational about. While those things tend to vary from person to person, protection of your children seems to be pretty universal. It's no use trying to analyze the validity of it.

[stkelly52]

My main thought is that it is nearly impossible to not have a moment of inattention while watching a child. It is going to happen, no matter who you have watching the child, even yourself. Would you be permitted to be angry, perhaps. But to distrust them after that, I don't think is fair. the situation should be discussed and it should be noted as an area of concern to make sure that this never happens again.

[Blackadar]

If you detailed out an area of concern and it still happened, you have every right to distrust them. I'd never leave my son with someone like that a 2nd time.

Accident or not, I'd forgive the relative, but they'd never have my kid alone again.

[duckman]

When my son was about 3 years old, I left him with my mother to put gas in the car. We had stayed for the weekend. My mother's house is very old and has one of those floor furnace. I told her to watch him around the furnace because he's never been around them much.

I arrived back from the store to find that my son had stepped on the furnace with his bare foot. He suffered a second degree burn. It was a long day as I had to take to the hospital and then return him to his mother who was extremely pissed at me.

I know for a fact that my mother is a good parent and caregiver. Should this accident cloud my judgement in regards to leaving my son with her? It was an accident and take it as that. If he/she is someone who has been trustworty in the past and just had a laspe in judgement then I think you should forgive, watch him/her closely, and if things go smmothly then allow him/her to be trusted again.

[Desnudo]

I need some advice, so please read the following situation and respond if you wish.

You have a relative that you trust.
This is a relative that has proven very responsible in the past.
You entrust you child to this person.
While under the care of this relative, your child very nearly dies.
This person admits a moment of inattention that lead to the near death experience.
Do you ever trust this relative with your child again?

Would it be wrong to be angry at this person?
How about if the situation that lead to this accident was discussed and hilighted as an area of concern? Would that justify the anger or distrust of the relative?
Assume that the situation was clearly an accident.

Thanks for your responses/replies.

Without knowing precisely what happened, I would say that trust is always a relative thing. It's certainly justifiable to be angry with someone if their inattention almost led a child's death. If I mentioned the specific situation ahead of time, and it was easily avoidable, I would have trouble trusting that person again with my child. That said, kids get themselves into a lot of trouble and are always touching hot stoves. Those kinds of situations are always "one-ofs" to me. Meaning it's difficult to give a general yes or no answer.

[clintl]

I think it depends somewhat on the relative's reaction to the incident. If the relative is upset and remorseful about the accident, then I think he/she would probably be overprotective the next time he/she was left to watch the kids alone. Even good people make serious mistakes sometimes, but they learn from them. But really, you have to go with your gut feeling on this. Knowing what had happened, even if intellectually, the trust is there, emotionally, I think it would be hard to trust again for a while, and you have every right to feel anger over the incident.

[Cringer]

I agree with some of what has been said here. Jeeber made a nice point I think, in that I am sure this person probably feels very bad, and would probably take extra care if they get the chance to watch your child again. But also, as others have said, you really will have a hard time fighting your gut no matter what that tells you.

I think you need to do what makes you the most comfortable, and for the time being that may be not leaving your child with this person for a while. But also, do not make any kind of "lasting" decision right now. Time heals some wounds, and maybe this person deserves the opportunity to regain your trust and confidence, and after some time you may feel better then you do now about leaving your child with him/her.

I hope your child is ok, I have a 4 1/2 year old little girl and can't imagine how it would feel to have something "near death" happening to her.

[GrantDawg]

There is no way to answer this without more specifics. If this is a more distant relative and the accident was like letting the child swim unattended then it would be an easy answer. If this is your (or your wife's) mom, and it was a momentary laspe that happens to us all, then it is much more complicated.

As for whether it is wrong to be angry, I would say that depends on what you mean. It is perfectly natural human response to be angry over a situation like this. Even knowing this was an accident, the level of stress involved is going to evoke strong emotion. The thing is what do you do with this anger? If this was a complete accident, you cannot allow that anger to stay with you. You need to let it go. Talking with the person and sharing your feelings while underlining you know this was an accident will probably help you work through this.

Now if you mean being angry with the person to the point you cut them out of your life, well that would be a no. You work toward forgiveness.

[WSUCougar]

If you detailed out an area of concern and it still happened, you have every right to distrust them. I'd never leave my son with someone like that a 2nd time.

Accident or not, I'd forgive the relative, but they'd never have my kid alone again.
Bingo.

The safety of your child is the ultimate priority. Perhaps make an effort to include the untrustworthy relative in activities with your child while you are around, but otherwise, no way.

[sachmo71]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Funny how a few hours can put everything in persepective.

I'm not angry at the relative. It was an accident, and there isn't much more anyone could have done to prevent. In fact, I suspect that precautions were taken, but my child was able to get around them, something no one knew that she was able to do. She's a crafty little kid!

Overall, I feel really strange today. I'm just glad that I have my daughter safe and sound at home with me. It's been a pretty emotional day, but it's been hardest for my relative. I feel really bad for them, because they are riddled with guilt, and I don't feel they deserve it.

Bottom line is that my daughter is alive.

Again, thanks for the responses everyone. They helped me get my head on straight.