Kodos
09-29-2004, 12:52 PM
hxxp://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/football/pro/dolphins/sfl-hyde28sep28,0,6519496.column?coll=sfla-dolphins-front
The subject line really cracked me up for this. It may be the best part of the column though.
Chant along with me. Dave's gone in December. Dave's gone in December. Dave's gone in December...
I look forward to being able to rejoin the Fins for the rebuilding era Post-Wannstedt.
HYDE: Hey Dolfans, you can learn to love losing
Published September 28, 2004
Here we wallow, on the morning after this oh-for-September, and Dolphins fans are simultaneously flabbergasted by this start and dumbfounded as to how to act.
They've never felt this bad this early, much less read a sentence involving "flabbergasted" and "dumbfounded" before December.
After suffering an 0-3 start only in the expansion era of 1969, after having just three losing seasons since that year and being blessed with 17-0, Don Shula and Dan Marino, your average Dolphins fan is at a loss how to behave, much less what to think.
Do they call Arizona Cardinal fans for advice? Or their doctor for something stronger than aspirin?
Let me help. Let me show how to weather this season. Here's a 12-Step Dolphin fans' Guide To Surviving An Increasingly Toxic Season:
1. Put a brown paper bag over your head. Sure it's cliche. But it's never happened here and it's to sports what using the letter `K' is to words. Just like slipping a `k' on "kommunism" somehow makes it comical, slipping a bag on your head lightens the worst game, provides a measure of anonymity and, in those really stressful moments, also prevents hyperventilation.
2. Dissect the draft. Yes, the only thing more fun than discussing the pro draft for four months is discussing it for seven. So it's good to note Mel Kiper's top 10 for 2005 includes offensive names like non-eligible receiver Mike Williams (he could sit next to Vernon Carey?) and Florida State tackle Alex Barron ("Excellent pass blocking," Kiper notes.) Alas, there's no quarterback in the early Top 10.
3. Turn those nuggets of negative into pebbles of positive. Here's how it's done:
Negative: This offensive line can't block and quarterback A.J. Feeley can't throw. Positive: But Feeley takes a standing eight count better than any QB in the league!
Negative: It's September and the season's dead. Positive: No more December swoon!
Negative: Coach Dave Wannstedt has made dumb decisions. Positive: General manager Rick Spielman has made dumber ones!
4. Figure now's a good time to take up stress-releasing hobbies you've always considered, like yoga, meditation, anger management, acupuncture, electroshock therapy or pounding 6-inch nails into your forearm.
5. Lobby owner H. Wayne Huizenga to use these months to tip-top-secretly contact New England personnel chief Scott Pioli, offer him master-of-the-universe powers and hope Pioli signs this offseason to save the franchise. Uh, you'll have to lobby Huizenga to do this, though. I might have lost any voice by lobbying for Jimmy Johnson a few years back.
6. Play the blame game. For instance, here's my Top-Five, Mortal-Lock, He-Did-Worst, Serial-Dolphins-Killers Rankings of the week: 1. Spielman. Hit the trifecta of forming this bad line, picking these mismatched quarterbacks and trading away draft picks. 2. Wannstedt. One good year followed by four increasingly worse ones; 3. Huizenga. About last offseason…; 4. Ricky Williams. Hope he's feeling good and numb about now; 5. Whoever's at left tackle.
7. Update your big-game schedule. It's no longer games against the hated Jets, champion Patriots or counterfeit Bills. It's Arizona, at home, when the Dolphins could be favored to win. And it's against San Francisco, on the road, in November, when it's possible the No. 1 draft pick could be on the line.
8. Find a new sport to enjoy. Like hockey. The Panthers should be landing smoothly from their multi-generational rebuilding effort. They have a proven coach, a passionate owner, a great goaltender and … what's that? A lockout? Oh. Well, didn't the Heat sign someone new?
9. Imagine what else can go wrong. Think, after two hurricane-delayed games, about a blizzard in Buffalo and an earthquake in San Francisco. Think of even more injuries to more running backs. Think -- O God, not this -- Ricky Williams returning in October.
"Why wouldn't I come back?" Williams might say. "I've got to sit out my drug suspension anyhow, and this way I don't have to repay the Dolphins any ol' $8.6 million. Plus, if they don't send me back home -- and home now is Tibet -- I'll be a pot-toking, locker-room-smoking pain in their posterior unless they trade me."
10. Never, ever, EVER, not even in a moment of weakness, allow yourself to think Wannstedt or Spielman should be fired during the season. To what end? Besides, if you have to suffer through this, shouldn't they?
11. As the season lengthens, and disgruntled fans leave, see how many of your typical gripes of watching Dolphins games are gone. Traffic won't be bad. Concession lines will lessen. You'll have space to put legs over empty seats. It will be like a Marlins game at ...
12. Prozac Player Stadium.
Dave Hyde can be reached at [email protected].
The subject line really cracked me up for this. It may be the best part of the column though.
Chant along with me. Dave's gone in December. Dave's gone in December. Dave's gone in December...
I look forward to being able to rejoin the Fins for the rebuilding era Post-Wannstedt.
HYDE: Hey Dolfans, you can learn to love losing
Published September 28, 2004
Here we wallow, on the morning after this oh-for-September, and Dolphins fans are simultaneously flabbergasted by this start and dumbfounded as to how to act.
They've never felt this bad this early, much less read a sentence involving "flabbergasted" and "dumbfounded" before December.
After suffering an 0-3 start only in the expansion era of 1969, after having just three losing seasons since that year and being blessed with 17-0, Don Shula and Dan Marino, your average Dolphins fan is at a loss how to behave, much less what to think.
Do they call Arizona Cardinal fans for advice? Or their doctor for something stronger than aspirin?
Let me help. Let me show how to weather this season. Here's a 12-Step Dolphin fans' Guide To Surviving An Increasingly Toxic Season:
1. Put a brown paper bag over your head. Sure it's cliche. But it's never happened here and it's to sports what using the letter `K' is to words. Just like slipping a `k' on "kommunism" somehow makes it comical, slipping a bag on your head lightens the worst game, provides a measure of anonymity and, in those really stressful moments, also prevents hyperventilation.
2. Dissect the draft. Yes, the only thing more fun than discussing the pro draft for four months is discussing it for seven. So it's good to note Mel Kiper's top 10 for 2005 includes offensive names like non-eligible receiver Mike Williams (he could sit next to Vernon Carey?) and Florida State tackle Alex Barron ("Excellent pass blocking," Kiper notes.) Alas, there's no quarterback in the early Top 10.
3. Turn those nuggets of negative into pebbles of positive. Here's how it's done:
Negative: This offensive line can't block and quarterback A.J. Feeley can't throw. Positive: But Feeley takes a standing eight count better than any QB in the league!
Negative: It's September and the season's dead. Positive: No more December swoon!
Negative: Coach Dave Wannstedt has made dumb decisions. Positive: General manager Rick Spielman has made dumber ones!
4. Figure now's a good time to take up stress-releasing hobbies you've always considered, like yoga, meditation, anger management, acupuncture, electroshock therapy or pounding 6-inch nails into your forearm.
5. Lobby owner H. Wayne Huizenga to use these months to tip-top-secretly contact New England personnel chief Scott Pioli, offer him master-of-the-universe powers and hope Pioli signs this offseason to save the franchise. Uh, you'll have to lobby Huizenga to do this, though. I might have lost any voice by lobbying for Jimmy Johnson a few years back.
6. Play the blame game. For instance, here's my Top-Five, Mortal-Lock, He-Did-Worst, Serial-Dolphins-Killers Rankings of the week: 1. Spielman. Hit the trifecta of forming this bad line, picking these mismatched quarterbacks and trading away draft picks. 2. Wannstedt. One good year followed by four increasingly worse ones; 3. Huizenga. About last offseason…; 4. Ricky Williams. Hope he's feeling good and numb about now; 5. Whoever's at left tackle.
7. Update your big-game schedule. It's no longer games against the hated Jets, champion Patriots or counterfeit Bills. It's Arizona, at home, when the Dolphins could be favored to win. And it's against San Francisco, on the road, in November, when it's possible the No. 1 draft pick could be on the line.
8. Find a new sport to enjoy. Like hockey. The Panthers should be landing smoothly from their multi-generational rebuilding effort. They have a proven coach, a passionate owner, a great goaltender and … what's that? A lockout? Oh. Well, didn't the Heat sign someone new?
9. Imagine what else can go wrong. Think, after two hurricane-delayed games, about a blizzard in Buffalo and an earthquake in San Francisco. Think of even more injuries to more running backs. Think -- O God, not this -- Ricky Williams returning in October.
"Why wouldn't I come back?" Williams might say. "I've got to sit out my drug suspension anyhow, and this way I don't have to repay the Dolphins any ol' $8.6 million. Plus, if they don't send me back home -- and home now is Tibet -- I'll be a pot-toking, locker-room-smoking pain in their posterior unless they trade me."
10. Never, ever, EVER, not even in a moment of weakness, allow yourself to think Wannstedt or Spielman should be fired during the season. To what end? Besides, if you have to suffer through this, shouldn't they?
11. As the season lengthens, and disgruntled fans leave, see how many of your typical gripes of watching Dolphins games are gone. Traffic won't be bad. Concession lines will lessen. You'll have space to put legs over empty seats. It will be like a Marlins game at ...
12. Prozac Player Stadium.
Dave Hyde can be reached at [email protected].