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View Full Version : 17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists...by Michael Moore


stevew
11-05-2004, 07:16 AM
Spin time.

Dear Friends,

Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, “always look on the bright side of life!” There IS some good news from Tuesday's election.

Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don’t approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of at least 3 chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out -- and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!!!

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.

Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, 'Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'"

But it needs us. Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.

Yours,

Michael Moore

Neon_Chaos
11-05-2004, 07:21 AM
I found it an entertaining read. :)

Ben E Lou
11-05-2004, 07:28 AM
He did make me chuckle several times...

"The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them."

"Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one."

"We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!"

"Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now."

"Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away."

"He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass."

Arles
11-05-2004, 07:42 AM
It was entertaining. And I really hope the democrats agree with Moore on this:

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal.

cuervo72
11-05-2004, 07:43 AM
I'd be more than happy with no more show tunes.

Ksyrup
11-05-2004, 07:46 AM
3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.


In light of who wrote this, I will quote what I consider to be one of the best lyrics I've read in quite a long time, which, by analogy, I think fits this circumstance:

The music of rebellion
Makes you wanna rage
But it's made by millionaires
Who are nearly twice your age

Considering Kerry and Bush were contemporaries in Skull and Bones, I guess you need some kind of hook to keep the youngsters frothing at the mouth...

sachmo71
11-05-2004, 08:23 AM
I like the porridge that is just right.

albionmoonlight
11-05-2004, 08:36 AM
I liked Moore a lot more when he was mostly funny and just a little bitter (the TV Nation era). He has worn on me lately with his mostly bitter and just a little funny approach. This is a little bit of a refreshing throwback.

FWIW, I see Jon Stewart turning into Michael Moore in 10 years.

gi
11-05-2004, 08:46 AM
FWIW, I see Jon Stewart turning into Michael Moore in 10 years.

I see Jon getting seriously invovled in 10 years. Moore looks for a shocked reaction. Jon is more intelligent than that. Although Jon might not have any other asperations other than comic. Which is perfectly acceptable.

Nice read by Moore. Enjoyed the humor.

Ksyrup
11-05-2004, 08:47 AM
I liked Moore a lot more when he was mostly funny and just a little bitter (the TV Nation era). He has worn on me lately with his mostly bitter and just a little funny approach. This is a little bit of a refreshing throwback.

FWIW, I see Jon Stewart turning into Michael Moore in 10 years.
I completely agree. His show was great. Ridiculing the KKK and stuff like that, which we all could laugh at. Now, he honestly thinks the KKK = the Republican Party, and the jokes and wit have taken a back seat to his political views.

CHEMICAL SOLDIER
11-05-2004, 08:57 AM
I remember when Moore brought A Mariachi band to a KKK Rally ..... pure fun and of course this remark from The Grand Wizard: ''Go back to wherever you came from.''

Solecismic
11-05-2004, 09:03 AM
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

Ohio State faces Michigan State tomorrow, Michigan right before Thanksgiving. This gaffe is, to Michigan readers, as bad as Kerry talking about "Lambert Field" in Wisconsin.

I guess the lesson here is that the left wing should stay away from the world of sports.

I hope Democrats out there aren't listening to this crap and thinking Moore is part of their mainstream.

Radii
11-05-2004, 09:30 AM
I like Pop Tarts.

Dawgfan1980
11-05-2004, 09:37 AM
At least he has the right attitude... Dem's lost, move on. Congradulate the victors, there is another fight in 2008. Humor helps in any defeat as well.

Fritz
11-05-2004, 10:32 AM
moore is still on my 'death by ham bisuit' watch list

WSUCougar
11-05-2004, 10:51 AM
I like Pop Tarts.
Frosted strawberry, to be more specific.

JeeberD
11-05-2004, 11:01 AM
Frosted strawberry, to be more specific.

Silly monkey, it's all about Chocolate Poptarts...

WSUCougar
11-05-2004, 11:11 AM
Silly monkey, it's all about Chocolate Poptarts...
Perhaps...but at least the Cards beat the Astros for the NL pennant. :p

JeeberD
11-05-2004, 11:16 AM
Low blow... :mad:

Desnudo
11-05-2004, 12:41 PM
It was entertaining. And I really hope the democrats agree with Moore on this:

Quote:
17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal.


I have a feeling this won't be the last list we see from Moore. I found it somewhat amusing, although his reasons for hope are one-sided and erroneous as usual. He should know there is no hope, the circle is now complete!

What I find disturbing is the amount of people who take his media as something to base a belief on rather than humorous satire. Didn't Pres. Bush record the highest number of popular votes in election history? And people didn't shift towards a Mass. liberal, they shifted away from someone they perceive as a far right evangelical. If a moderate Republican is running, someone like McCain, I bet that ten million of Kerry's votes are Republican.

DeToxRox
11-05-2004, 12:43 PM
Thankfully, Michael Moore is one poptart away from us never having to deal with him again.

The Bush administration will be the death of him, literally.

And yes, I'll laugh at the irony.

Radii
11-05-2004, 12:44 PM
I prefer Cherry to Strawberry, but both are great.

DeToxRox
11-05-2004, 12:44 PM
I prefer Cherry to Strawberry, but both are great.

i think s'more is the tops

cuervo72
11-05-2004, 12:45 PM
Blueberry.

Desnudo
11-05-2004, 12:47 PM
i think s'more is the tops

I usually don't go in for celebrity promos, but I hear SpongeBob calling my name:

http://www.kelloggs.com/promotions/spongebobsquarepants/limitededitions.html

DeToxRox
11-05-2004, 12:47 PM
I usually don't go in for celebrity promos, but I hear SpongeBob calling my name:

http://www.kelloggs.com/promotions/spongebobsquarepants/limitededitions.html

Touche.

Radii
11-05-2004, 12:56 PM
I usually don't go in for celebrity promos, but I hear SpongeBob calling my name:

http://www.kelloggs.com/promotions/spongebobsquarepants/limitededitions.html


Ohno. $5 says those will be in our house after the next grocery shopping trip.

Desnudo
11-05-2004, 01:08 PM
Ohno. $5 says those will be in our house after the next grocery shopping trip.

You say that like it's a bad thing to have someone buy them for you. I was weighing whether the embarassment of buying SpongeBob Cheese-its would be outweighed by the joy of eating them.

Glengoyne
11-05-2004, 01:37 PM
Best thing I have seen from Moore in ages. He has taken one step down his very very long road to real credibility.

Subby
11-05-2004, 01:46 PM
That was hilarious...sure he didn't cite any of his statistics...but then again - would he BE Michael Moore if he did? :D

Passacaglia
11-05-2004, 02:31 PM
Ohio State faces Michigan State tomorrow, Michigan right before Thanksgiving. This gaffe is, to Michigan readers, as bad as Kerry talking about "Lambert Field" in Wisconsin.

I guess the lesson here is that the left wing should stay away from the world of sports.

I hope Democrats out there aren't listening to this crap and thinking Moore is part of their mainstream.


Maybe this is just a typo? I'm pretty sure Moore is a Michigan State fan/alum.

Scarecrow
11-05-2004, 03:59 PM
Blueberry.
I'd have to agree with the fine GM from Las Vegas! ;)

(now send me Ray Lozano for Tom Heacock)

BigJohn&TheLions
11-05-2004, 04:05 PM
Maybe this is just a typo? I'm pretty sure Moore is a Michigan State fan/alum.

You beat me to it. I was a little surprised myself to see Moore suporting Michigan, as he wears the green & white proudly. I figured it was a typo as well.

BTW... I met Michael Moore a couple years back. Nice guy. We talked for a while about several things, not much important. Just a guy from Detroit and a guy from Flint talking. Nice guy.

sterlingice
11-05-2004, 04:50 PM
I liked Moore a lot more when he was mostly funny and just a little bitter (the TV Nation era). He has worn on me lately with his mostly bitter and just a little funny approach. This is a little bit of a refreshing throwback.
I loved TV Nation. I remember an awesome sketch from that where they bought slaves in Mississippi, I believe it was, because it was never outlawed.

He did make me chuckle several times...

"We've got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!"
I loved this one.

I like Pop Tarts.
So do I...

Perhaps...but at least the Cards beat the Astros for the NL pennant. :p
ASSHAT http://dynamic2.gamespy.com/%7Efof/forums/images/smilies/mad.gif

Anyways, I'm impressed- we managed to have a Michael Moore thread where only a few people felt the need to come in here with the typical namecalling. Percentagewise, this went pretty well.

SI

Passacaglia
11-06-2004, 09:44 AM
Well, I did call him a Michigan State fan..

DeToxRox
11-06-2004, 10:18 AM
Well, I did call him a Michigan State fan..

that rivals george saying " i had sex with your wife! " then finding out she was in a coma

Draft Dodger
11-06-2004, 10:29 AM
i think s'more is the tops

and you are correct.

I HATE Michael Moore, but I found that list to be pretty amusing.

Danny
11-06-2004, 10:50 AM
Come on, no mention of Blueberry? S'more is good, as is strawberry, but Blueberry is tops.

cuervo72
11-06-2004, 02:21 PM
I'd have to agree with the fine GM from Las Vegas! ;)

(now send me Ray Lozano for Tom Heacock)


Come July, my friend....come July.

Token Asian Guy
11-06-2004, 02:34 PM
Moore got off the hook, as he promised in Athens, OH last Saturday to wear an Ohio University hat around if Kerry won. I doubt people would've noticed though, considering that idiotic MSU hat shares similar colors.

Dutch
11-06-2004, 03:38 PM
I didn't realize Michael Moore was a comedian and that he has been joking this whole time. There are gonna be some real pissed off high-IQ liberals out there. :D

sterlingice
11-06-2004, 04:04 PM
I didn't realize Michael Moore was a comedian and that he has been joking this whole time. There are gonna be some real pissed off high-IQ liberals out there. :D
Boy, it's hard to imagine why all the liberals are vascillating between melodramatic depression and bitter anger with sentiments like this on the opposite side of the isle.

SI

Dutch
11-06-2004, 04:10 PM
Don't blame me, I wasn't the one salavating all over that buffoon.