Rape

[Anonymous Guy]

I'm serious. Don't screw around.

I'm a board member, posting under a pseudonym.

I've been dating a woman for around 8 months now. We are in love. I don't know what I'd do without her.

This afternoon we spent at the hospital, getting a rape kit done. The results were positive. She was raped. . . She has no memory of the event. She had been drinking. She remembers before and after, but not the act.

We know who it is.

I can't describe to any of you the thoughts, the brutality I entertain. At once I'm being compassionate and caring...and on the other side. .. .I want to do the most horrible things to this man.

She is unsure if she's going to pursue legal action. I'm trying to encourage her to, and yet at the same time, not push. I want her to be able to trust in me, and that I have no agenda for her. I just want her to get well.

I'm at once a fury of hatred towards him, and compassion and pain for her.

[vtbub]

Get her into counseling, and yourself too.

Please persuade her to seek legal action.

[tanglewood]

Man.


It's up to her what happens now. If she wants to go to court or whatever you must support her 200%. If she wants to forget about it all that may be fine too, but remember there is a difference between genuine forgiveness and trying to hide true feelings by 'forgetting' about it.

I think that you should recommend your girlfriend see a counselor, whether she wants to or not, even if it's just once, and then you should let her decide what to do next.

Good luck.

Edit: And yes, you should probably go to a counselor too.

[Ragone]

Don't risk any future you have with her by doing something stupid towards him.. Seek Counseling for the both of you, and put his ass in jail

[vtbub]

Echoing Ragone's comment, don't do anything stupid. She needs you with her, not locked up.

[MikeVic]

Wow.. I'm sorry. I hope everything turns out OK for both of you. I agree that you must support her with whatever her decision is. Or help her make a decision if she's really confused.

[sachmo71]

Don't take the law into your own hands. Anger does not excuse you in a court of law.

[Ragone]

I have been in "Anonymous Guy's" Shoes before.. and i can tell you with all certainty that any red blooded male would have the urge to do bodily harm to anyone who would hurt a significant other. But most come to the realization that doing so would only complicate matters further.If you want to pm me and ask questions on how i got through this privately feel free to.

Stay By your Girlfriends side, support her in whatever she decides.. Do not pressure, do not seek revenge.

[Celeval]

hxxp://www.rainn.org/
1-800-656-HOPE is free, confidential, and available 24/7.

The people here are available to listen, they can also provide information if she is considering legal action - or whatever else is needed. They can also likely provide local recommended places for counseling.

[SunDevil]

An ex-girlfriend of mine was raped. We were already broken up for a couple of months and went back home for the summer when we were in college. When she told me, I wanted to strangle the guy, and I tried to convince her to press charges. She ultimately did not press charges as she just wanted to move on from the incident. She did go into counseling for about a year, with other rape victims, and she said that it helped a lot. That was five years ago. She is now engaged and happy and will be getting married in the summer.

[hhiipp]

If she went as far as getting the rape kit I think that she would want to press charges, especially if she has a pretty good idea of who it was. Chances are he may have done it before and if he hasn't he will probably do it again, rape isn't a 1 time offense. Be sure she knows that if she goes thru with the prosecution that she could be saving some other girl the pain of having to experience this and in a way she'd be a hero.

Good luck in whatever she decides, I'm sure there is a long road ahead for the both of you.

[digamma]

I'm not sure what I can say that would be very useful (though others here have put forth some pretty solid advice) other than I'll be reading the board if you need to get anything off your chest. And that you will both be in my thoughts and prayers.

[mhass]

The legal course is very tough on the female unfortunately. Especially if her memory is foggy. I do not envy either of your position's, but you have to let someone else get justice. You are in my prayers.

[BigJohn&TheLions]

What he deserves is to have the bottom of a large bottle broken off before the bottle is shoved up his ass until it cannot be seen.

What you should do is be there for her and hope that he is gang-raped in prison.

[Eaglesfan27]

I don't really have much to add. I just strongly urge you to get counseling. Also, try to persuade her to get counseling with people that specialize in rape counseling. Be there for her, which means not acting on the natural inclination to personally seek revenge against this guy.

[Klinglerware]

What he deserves is to have the bottom of a large bottle broken off before the bottle is shoved up his ass until it cannot be seen.

What you should do is be there for her and hope that he is gang-raped in prison.

Rape is wrong in all contexts. I thought that was the point?

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

The advice given so far has been really solid. I'd just like to add a few more things, some perspective from a female I guess.

The way you describe the memory loss, it sounds like this asshole drugged your girl. If your girlfriend decides not to seek legal action, this son of a bitch will think he got away with it, and will do this again. He's probably done this before, and there may be other women who would be willing to come forward if they didn't have to do so alone. That may make it easier for your girl to stand the stress of a trial, if she's with other women. But she'll never know if she doesn't speak to the police.

DO NOT go after this guy vigilante style. As much as you might like to cut off his air supply until his eyes bulge out of his head, your girlfriend will probably be angry with you for doing so. She wants things to be normal again. To feel normal, like nothing happened. Choking this bastard will just cause a huge drama that will remind her of what she just went through and she'll blame you for making her re-live it. You'll feel better, but she'll be miserable.

I'd also like to add that it may take some time before she's comfortable being intimate, either emotionally and physically. Maybe even both. Don't push her about it. Don't push her to into being physical or to talk about this incident.It will cause more harm than it will help. When she's ready, she'll come to you. You sound like a good hearted, caring man and I'm sure being physical is the farthest thing from your mind right now. But in three months, it might not be, and she may still not be ready.

And most importantly - remember that you can't fix this for her. She's going to have to do this herself. You can be there for support, listen when she needs to talk, hold her when she needs to cry, but don't get frustrated if she won't go to counseling or go to the police right away. She will in her own time.

[Flasch186]

an honest naive question:

why would someone not want to press charges?

[Joe]

an honest naive question:

why would someone not want to press charges?

too much emotional pain, they just want to forget and leave it in the past.

[Anthony]

what is a rape kit?

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

what is a rape kit?
A rape kit is a collective name for the medical tests that determine whether a woman was raped, or whether engaged in normal intercourse.

[PilotMan]

The advice given so far has been really solid. I'd just like to add a few more things, some perspective from a female I guess.

The way you describe the memory loss, it sounds like this asshole drugged your girl. If your girlfriend decides not to seek legal action, this son of a bitch will think he got away with it, and will do this again. He's probably done this before, and there may be other women who would be willing to come forward if they didn't have to do so alone. That may make it easier for your girl to stand the stress of a trial, if she's with other women. But she'll never know if she doesn't speak to the police.

DO NOT go after this guy vigilante style. As much as you might like to cut off his air supply until his eyes bulge out of his head, your girlfriend will probably be angry with you for doing so. She wants things to be normal again. To feel normal, like nothing happened. Choking this bastard will just cause a huge drama that will remind her of what she just went through and she'll blame you for making her re-live it. You'll feel better, but she'll be miserable.

I'd also like to add that it may take some time before she's comfortable being intimate, either emotionally and physically. Maybe even both. Don't push her about it. Don't push her to into being physical or to talk about this incident.It will cause more harm than it will help. When she's ready, she'll come to you. You sound like a good hearted, caring man and I'm sure being physical is the farthest thing from your mind right now. But in three months, it might not be, and she may still not be ready.

And most importantly - remember that you can't fix this for her. She's going to have to do this herself. You can be there for support, listen when she needs to talk, hold her when she needs to cry, but don't get frustrated if she won't go to counseling or go to the police right away. She will in her own time.
^^^^^^^^^
Great post. My wife is a survivor. You may not see the effects now. Be patient and aware of where she is at. Somedays she may not think of it at all, and others it will be all she can think of. Be a base for her. No matter where she goes, let her know that you are a rock. Unchanging, dependable, and somone that she can count on to bring her back to the center. I cannot suggest stronger that she seek some form of couseling and support. You should as well. For you will need the strenght that comes from that to be the person you need to be.

[BigJohn&TheLions]

Rape is wrong in all contexts. I thought that was the point?

All bets are off with a rapist. Any man who would rape a woman deserves what he gets in prison justice. An eye for an eye.

[Anthony]

thread about to become awkward in 3...2...1...

[Joe]

Umm. If she doesn't even remember it, how do you or her even know she even got raped. Maybe she went out drinking with some buddies, had a little fun, and now she feels bad about what she did. What kind of girlfriend gets drunk without you with a bunch of dudes anyway? Maybe you should move on, before this chick ruins your life, and the dude she's accusing.


you sound like a rapist.

[BigJohn&TheLions]

Umm. If she doesn't even remember it, how do you or her even know she even got raped. Maybe she went out drinking with some buddies, had a little fun, and now she feels bad about what she did. What kind of girlfriend gets drunk without you with a bunch of dudes anyway? Maybe you should move on, before this chick ruins your life, and the dude she's accusing.

It's likely that she got slipped some GHB. He knows her much better than we do (since we don't know her) It is entirely possible that she was drinking with friends and this bastard was "nice" enough to give her a ride home after she had too much to drink.

[Anthony]

i don't get rapists. if they need sex that badly why don't they just go for a hooker? where's the honor in taking it from an innocent female? in any event i have nothing to add to this thread so good luck to all the victims in this sad story.

[EagleFan]

Our thoughts are with you in this matter. Right now, she needs your understanding more than anything. Just be there for her and support her decision (though as was stated earlier, going to the police may save this man's next victim).

Don't go after the criminal. That will complicate things. (posting his address on a message board with people who have your back, that's another story. ;) ) (sorry, just figured the thread needed a little something to lift it a bit before the flame war with "ted_hughes" starts back up-- hmm, what if ted_hughes and Anonymous Guy were actually the s.... uh, nevermind, let's not even go there)


Back to the events. I've been in a similar situation, but it was getting together with someone after the fact. It was not an easy thing to handle so you will need to be very understanding. You may feel like she is pushing you away sometimes and that is where you'll have to balance yourself between letting her push you too far away and keeping yourself from trying to push back. Trust will be the big issue and you will most likely have to work your way back to even where you are at this point with her as she may find it hard to trust any man.

We saw him in the parking lot at a grocery store once and I forced myself to just keep driving and not stop because I was afraid of what would happen if my rage took over.

[Ragone]

I deleted my post. If you're quoting it, please delete it. I was stupid and I apologize.

Done so

[Dutch]

Sorry to hear about this story, stuff like this is always bad news. I hope she can go through with pressing charges. If not for her own sake, for the next victims sake.

Tough break, but keep her chin up and soldier on.

Take care.

[EagleFan]

i don't get rapists. if they need sex that badly why don't they just go for a hooker? where's the honor in taking it from an innocent female? in any event i have nothing to add to this thread so good luck to all the victims in this sad story.

Psychologically it's not the sex they want, it's the power. Though the rash of date rape drugs sort of clouds that a bit as rape is no longer just about the control when using one of them.

[sabotai]

To the guy who said how he knows she was raped (and anyone else wondering), that's what a rape kit will determine. If a woman just goes out, gets drunks, has sex and regrets it, that's not going to show up during the rape kit. Certain damage is physically done to the woman who resists and that is generally how it's determined if a woman was raped or not. If a woman didn't want to have sex, it's going to show up in the rape kit.

(And before anyone asks, damage done physically to woman who willingly has sex with a man who is "exceptionally large" is different than the damage done when a man forces it on her. Just addressing that before anyone asks)

[SackAttack]

sab,

at the risk of sounding insensitive, if the woman has been drugged, is she capable of resisting? If not, would it show up in the rape kit? Or are we saying that everything shy of willing acquiescence is resistance?

Note that I'm not trying to say she wasn't raped, I'm not trying to say that at all. I'm just curious, since sab mentioned how it works, how well it works under the suspected circumstances.

[sabotai]

sab,

at the risk of sounding insensitive, if the woman has been drugged, is she capable of resisting? If not, would it show up in the rape kit? Or are we saying that everything shy of willing acquiescence is resistance?

Note that I'm not trying to say she wasn't raped, I'm not trying to say that at all. I'm just curious, since sab mentioned how it works, how well it works under the suspected circumstances.

In a physical sense, everything shy of willing acceptance is resistance. A woman needs to be willing to have sex in order for her "parts down there" to cooperate. It's been a long time since sex ed and I don't remember the correct terms for each part of the woman, but in general terms, it's not going to open and use it's natural lube if she doesn't want to have sex. If she's been drugged and is unconscious, the parts don't cooperate and the man still has to force himself in. Doing this is going to cause damage.

If she is drugged, and in the drugged state, does want to have sex, then that obviously would not show up in a rape kit.

Taking the original poster's situation, the facts are the rape kit showed rape. So, if she was drugged, then they answer is simple. Yes, a woman can resist when drugged.

[SackAttack]

Taking the original poster's situation, the facts are the rape kit showed rape. So, if she was drugged, then they answer is simple. Yes, a woman can resist when drugged.

Thanks. Learned something new today.

[Kosta]

Not to get off topic in this terrible situation for which I empathise with the initiial poster, but drugs used in sexual attacks are apparently very, very rare. I read a study on this once in a journal - but can't recall all the details, suffice to say that the concept of drugs being used in this crime was apparently miniscule in comparison to the public perception.

[Raiders Army]

I feel for you dude and agree with everyone here that you should put him in jail. Be there for her. Remember that if she does pursue legal action, she will go through the situation again....but then again, you said she doesn't remember it. It will be a hard time for you and her in any case, so good luck.

[Noop]

Sorry to hear. I won't comment any more on this topic...

[Yossarian]

Really sorry to hear.

I can't fathom the emotions you both must be feeling. I would recommend that you (and maybe her) read Lucky by Alice Sebold

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0316096199/qid=1108384681/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-3519623-4865762?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Its her account of being raped and both the short term and long term aftermath.

It could give you an insight of some of the stages of emotion that your girlfriend may experience. Its an emotional read though so be careful if she reads it.

Reading that book really hammered home just how evil it is to do that to someone - and the surprising gamut of people's reactions to the event.

[oliegirl]

In a physical sense, everything shy of willing acceptance is resistance. A woman needs to be willing to have sex in order for her "parts down there" to cooperate. It's been a long time since sex ed and I don't remember the correct terms for each part of the woman, but in general terms, it's not going to open and use it's natural lube if she doesn't want to have sex. If she's been drugged and is unconscious, the parts don't cooperate and the man still has to force himself in. Doing this is going to cause damage.

If she is drugged, and in the drugged state, does want to have sex, then that obviously would not show up in a rape kit.

Taking the original poster's situation, the facts are the rape kit showed rape. So, if she was drugged, then they answer is simple. Yes, a woman can resist when drugged.

A woman bruises during any sex, the position of the bruises is what can tell medical people if sex was consentual or not...I don't remember all the details, but basically bruising occurs naturally in consentual sex in a certain area, and in another area if it is non-consentual. Even if a woman has been drugged, her body will still show signs of non-consentual sex.

[Flasch186]

In a physical sense, everything shy of willing acceptance is resistance. A woman needs to be willing to have sex in order for her "parts down there" to cooperate. It's been a long time since sex ed and I don't remember the correct terms for each part of the woman, but in general terms, it's not going to open and use it's natural lube if she doesn't want to have sex. If she's been drugged and is unconscious, the parts don't cooperate and the man still has to force himself in. Doing this is going to cause damage.

If she is drugged, and in the drugged state, does want to have sex, then that obviously would not show up in a rape kit.

Taking the original poster's situation, the facts are the rape kit showed rape. So, if she was drugged, then they answer is simple. Yes, a woman can resist when drugged.


I would say that this cannot be 100% accurate 100% of the time though and she has got to press charges so that the peers can say, "you know what, asshat, you did it. We know you did it. Youve done it before. And now we've got a room, board, and 3 square a day." otherwise its a she said/he doesnt care....and that IMO, which is ignorant and naive, is a travesty. If he did it (which were assuming that he did) than that MF'er should be behind bars so that no other innocent unsuspecting women can be duped by this bastard again.

if I deserve a slap, lemme know.

[sportsfan13]

the best thing you can do is love her and be there for her. It is going to be extremely rough for the two of you. Just be there to support her and listen to her. And make sure she knows that you love her. Tell her often. She needs to be reassured right now that she has love and support...

[JeeberD]

I just want to express my sorrow and to say that I'll be keeping you and your girlfriend in my thoughts. Hopefully everything will be better with time...

[CHEMICAL SOLDIER]

I as well would like to express my deep condloences for what has happened. We are all here for you, She needs you now more than ever and let us pray that the law will take care of the perp.

[albionmoonlight]

First, my condolences and prayers.

Second, if you do decide to press charges, be aware that some DAs are compassionate people who understand the plights of victims and will do what they can to make the process as easy on your girlfriend as possible. And some are hardasses who will care only about getting the conviction and will see your girlfriend only as a tool to that end.

Make sure that if you do press charges to be in touch with a rape crisis center and/or a victims' rights group (if they have one where you are) when you are doing it. They will let you know what rights you have as a victim and should be able to help you do what you need to do to be as much help as possible to the DA without hurting yourself in the process. "Victims' Rights" is still a relatively new movement, so your mileage will vary substantially depending on where you live in terms of what kind of a support network exists.

Oh--and in the off chance that you happen to live in the RDU-Triangle area, I know some good counselors if you want to send a PM.

[Kodos]

Let me add my voice to those that have expressed their sadness and concern here. I don't really have anything advice-wise to ad. Just be there for her however she needs you and be patient with her.