How Many 5 Year Olds Can You Take?

[JPhillips]

Saw this on another website and thought it would spark a fun discussion.

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:


You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.

You are not allowed to touch a wall.

When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."

I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.

The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.

There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.


The problem as I see it is the training for the kids and the fact that they won't get scared. My tactic would be to pick one up and beat the rest of them with him/her. I'm going to say I can take thirty out before they could knock me unconscious.

[ShovelMonkey]

I don't thinks a kid that age would posess the physical strength to knock and adult of reasonable physical fitness unconscious. I have cousins that age that I wrestle with. Our rules are they are allowed to do whatever they can to me while I basically just fend them off. Great fun for them. Sometimes their blows sting, but even punching and kicking as hard as they can they never inflict any real damage beyond a bruise.

[MikeVic]

This is hard. All it takes is one lucky shot to your balls, and you're as good as gone. They'd be trained in how to take you down as a team... any shot to the balls would give them at least a couple of seconds to all close in and out-number you.

edit: err nevermind.. just read you wear a cup. :P

[NoMyths]

Hard to pin it down, but it'd probably be a largish number--you could start stacking bodies up to provide a bit of a fort, which would limit the numbers that could attack at once, and fend them off relatively indefinitely, until you got too tired.

[gottimd]

Do they have cooties?

[Bee]

I don't thinks a kid that age would posess the physical strength to knock and adult of reasonable physical fitness unconscious. I have cousins that age that I wrestle with. Our rules are they are allowed to do whatever they can to me while I basically just fend them off. Great fun for them. Sometimes their blows sting, but even punching and kicking as hard as they can they never inflict any real damage beyond a bruise.

I pretty much agree with this. I think the toughest part would be getting tired. At some point, you'd probably collapse from exhaustion though.

[sterlingice]

For some reason, I love this thread :D

SI

[TazFTW]

Fatigue would be the biggest factor. Also is there someone picking up the bodies of the KO'd 5 year olds? I would figure the area would be hard to walk through without stepping on one in a while.

[Cringer]

Bring on the midgets baby! I have 5 year old girl who loves to wrestle and pillow fight, I know whats moves are effective. I say atleast 100 are down before I go down.

[gottimd]

Absolute Carnage. I'd be picking them up and throwing them at the others, throwing elbows, it would be like one big dwarf tossing spectacle. The cup is key, because at 5, they are at that right height to hit the jewels with a jab. It would be a perfect place to put your hand on their heads and watch them swing without hitting you.

Do you honestly feel that 5 year olds will pick up enough skill at this combat training in that amount of time? I kind of envision the Matrix fight when Neo is fighting a ton of the Agent Smith's.

[Lathum]

1 because i would never hurt a child.







just kidding.

[Cringer]

1 because i would never hurt a child.

These are NOT children, they are mini-warriors out to take you down.
:D

[gottimd]

These are NOT children, they are mini-warriors out to take you down.
:D

Or leprechauns who are trying to take your gold.

[Cringer]

lmao. nice one.

[gottimd]

If one were to say " I can take on 1,000", would that mean at the beginning of the massacre, there would have to be 1,000 kids and you mashed into a basketball court sized room. Thats a tight fit.

[Ksyrup]

I can barely handle the one I've got, thank you. You can keep the rest.

[QuikSand]

I think this is great. I don't know what my number is, but I appreciate both the creativity in the idea, and the precision with which it was framed.

[Ksyrup]

Maybe I've got the wrong idea of the "typical" 5-year old, seeing as though my daughter is 4'4" and 70 lbs, but when she gets a running start, she can damn near take me down to my knees if I'm not expecting it and/or off-balance to begin with.

Of course, her whining if much more effective, if bringing me to my knees is the goal...

[Pumpy Tudors]

I'm going to say 4.

[lighthousekeeper]

Aside from the 1-day training, do these kids still possess the intelligence of 5 year olds?

Do these kids possess any more wrath than a typical 5 year old? I know they do not get scared, and even the last will "give it his/her best to take you down", do they have any additional hatred to inspire them to bring upon your demise?

Do they feel regret?

Do they feel pain when injured, or are they like "night of the living Fred" monsters?

[BigJohn&TheLions]

I thought this would be about Michael Jackson.

[RendeR]

I'd never lose, you can't throw enough 5 yr olds at this tank to knock it out..

[gottimd]

It says that we can't touch a wall, does that go for the 5 year olds as well? I assume most of us weigh more than a 5 year old here, so could a "4th and goal on the 1" situation and you barrel through the 5 year olds and they hit a wall, are they counted out?

[gottimd]

I thought this would be about Michael Jackson.

This would be his dream situation, many 5 year olds stuck in a room with him.

[Bee]

I'm going to say 4.

Or 1 if it's Ksyrup's daughter. ;)

[Desnudo]

If one of them got a lucky trip in, it would get ugly fast. Other than that, I'd just pick one of them up and swing them around and around by the arms.

[Noop]

Ah I would punch the boys in the nutts and kick the girls in the *private spot*..... yeah I am mean to kids trying to knock me out.

[TargetPractice6]

Ah I would punch the boys in the nutts and kick the girls in the *private spot*..... yeah I am mean to kids trying to knock me out.I'd say the kids probably would have the same protective wear as you.

[Noop]

I'd say the kids probably would have the same protective wear as you.
I kick and punch hard.

[Suicane75]

This thread is awfull, i'm actually sitting here trying to think if I could kill a 5 year old with a punch. This is upsetting.

[JPhillips]

What I'm afraid of is that I pick a number high enough that the training gets them to overwhelm me in a single burst. To some extent the longer it goes the better off I am, but a single coordinated rush of dozens of five year olds could bring me down. Then they should be able to limit or even stop my breathing by jamming their tiny fists in my mouth.

For me the real action is all in the first minute. After that I've gotten a couple to beat the others with, but that critical first minute will decide the outcome.

[Coffee Warlord]

Bull rush at the onset. You've got the strength and speed to at least stun a few right off the bat, and arm yourself with a kid in each hand.

Keep em at a distance by using your kid-chucks at maximum range.

[Lathum]

I have a 5 year old niece who every time i pick her up she like to smash her overly large five year old head into the bridge of my nose. That enough can take you down. Anyone else ever expierience this?

[ahbrady]

How many places could have this much in-depth discussion about knocking 5 year olds unconscious? I love this thread. I have laughed out loud at several of the posts. I am disappointed, however, that I can't come up with any number or technique to discuss.

[Anthony]

you don't know how bad i want to fight 5 year olds now. i would pay a lot of money to be in this scenario. i would love to beat the shit out of tiny humans. i would rip and tear. i could envision myself losing my humanity for the required time to fuck these kids up. i'm talking blind bloodlust. i'm talking taking a kid and ripping its jaw off. i just got this sudden urge to fucking fuck shit up. you don't understand, i'm sitting here knowing that if i was in that situation, i could get the ability to take a tiny 5 year old neck and squeeze it.

man, what a fun time. awesome thread.

how many midgets do you think you could take on? i say i can bop versus 20.

[Lathum]

I bet you could hook this up is Thailand

[Fonzie]

you don't know how bad i want to fight 5 year olds now. i would pay a lot of money to be in this scenario. i would love to beat the shit out of tiny humans. i would rip and tear. i could envision myself losing my humanity for the required time to fuck these kids up. i'm talking blind bloodlust. i'm talking taking a kid and ripping its jaw off. i just got this sudden urge to fucking fuck shit up. you don't understand, i'm sitting here knowing that if i was in that situation, i could get the ability to take a tiny 5 year old neck and squeeze it.

*slowly backs out of thread*

[weinstein7]

This thread is incredible! My personal favorite, courtesy of NoMyths:

"you could start stacking bodies up to provide a bit of a fort"

The mental imagery runs wild!

[Suicane75]

Whats the movie that has the line "I imagine if I punched her hard enough I could knock her head clear off"? I'm paraphrasing but thats the gist, I can't think of the movie though. Anyway, thats the first thing that popped into my head, could I knock a 5 year olds head off with a punch?

[MikeVic]

How sick humankind is... :D

I haven't given a number because I have no idea how to base an estimation. I have never fought 5 year-olds (play wrestling or otherwise), so I don't know how much punch they have.

You would think that if there's a decent number, you could just flail your arms around to knock out some of them at the start. I'd stay away from running. MUCH too easy to be tripped like that.

Once you do some flailing and knock some out, then the technique of using one as a weapon could be used...

[digamma]

I'm thinking kindergarten classes typically have 25-30 kids in them. Is it unreasonable to think you could handle a kindergarten class?

[Suicane75]

Yeah, I imagine once you have 1 knocked out you could simply spin it around by its head and use its feet to knock out any oncoming attackers.

[Anthony]

i just want to take a 5 year old head and hold it to my chest and squeeze it till it cracked. i bet i could do it. i could be a savage if this opportunity ever presented itself. straight up taking two heads and smashing them into one another. i hope some third world country puts out a PPV of this. i'd watch it. it'd be gross and sick, but i'd pay good money to see something like this.

[Scoobz0202]

I figured somebody had a horrible easter family get together.... Oh how wrong I was :)

[Anthony]

ok, maybe i wouldn't want to see it. i got very grossed out last nite watchign something i wish the Discovery channel never put on the air.

it was about human facelifts. some Indian girl was in a machine accident, where her entire scalp and 80% of her face was ripped completely and cleanly off. they not only showed a picture of the severed scalp/face but also a picture of her face without the skin. i probably won't ever forget that image for the rest of my life.

so maybe i wouldn't want to see this on PPV. might get too medieval.

ok...now that i remembered what that de-skinned face looked like i'm now coming back down to earth and no longer wish to be in a fight against 5 year olds....willingly.

if a pack of them ever got uppity with me i swear i could flip the rage switch on and get boombastic.

[MikeVic]

See, I don't think I could do that Hell Atlantic. Even if it were life or death... if these kids looked normal, I'd have a hard time hurting them. They'd have to have like red eyes or something.

[Suicane75]

Now i'm wondering how hard I could throw a 5 year old. Like, if I picked up a 5 year old and just hurled it, how fast would they be going? I need a juggs gun.

[Anthony]

See, I don't think I could do that Hell Atlantic. Even if it were life or death... if these kids looked normal, I'd have a hard time hurting them. They'd have to have like red eyes or something.

that's what i'm saying. if a rebel army of 5 year olds ever got in my way i could flip the rage switch on. if it was just a scene out of Kindergarden Cop or something with your average normal hyperactive kids i could be cool. but for like a toddler guerilla army - man, you gotta act fast.

[vex]

that's what i'm saying. if a rebel army of 5 year olds ever got in my way i could flip the rage switch on. if it was just a scene out of Kindergarden Cop or something with your average normal hyperactive kids i could be cool. but for like a toddler guerilla army - man, you gotta act fast.
And that can happen at anytime:D

[Pyser]

congrats, HA. You just scared the living shit out of me.

[mckerney]

I suddenly have the urge to watch Battle Royale.

[Cringer]

My five year old is wondering why I am looking at her. Problem is, if I told her I was wondering how far I could throw her, she would want me to try it and see......

[nfg22]

LOL best thread ever...I think I could take 30 I mean really tho, when they cling on to you its not easy to keep fending them off...I watched 10 take down my 20 year old friend once, they jumped him in theplay park just joking around...they are more swarmly then you would think...for all you bible readers, you think you could rip a body part off and go old school like samson did?

[Solecismic]

My money's on the kids. In some cultures, even the babies receive combat training.

http://i.cnn.net/cnn/2002/WORLD/meast/06/28/baby.photo/story.baby.bomb.jpg

[nfg22]

New Idea for a text sim?

[sterlingice]

New Idea for a text sim?
Front Office Playground Rumble. Where's Jim?

SI

[sterlingice]

How sick humankind is... :D
Well, really, this is such an absurd scenario that you can think about it while completely divorcing yourself from the actual action.

SI

[Shkspr]

My wife walked in and started reading the thread over my shoulder. I had no idea she was there until she piped up, "I could take 50 or 75 of the little fuckers."

I love my wife.

[Desnudo]

Let's set it up. Not having met your wife, I think she's in a little over her head on that one.

[Shkspr]

All I know is that at 6'2", she can kick MY ass from here to China. :)

[Marc Vaughan]

I will happily take on as many as are available .... so long as I'm provided with a television and limitless SpongeBob videos to distract them until its time for them to take a nap (I presume that would count as a KO?).

[Ragone]

i'm thinking personally(6'2 215).. and wearing a cup.. considering the average 5 year old is gonna be 3-4 feet tall.. going all out.. i don't see me being stopped.. 5 year olds aren't exactly know for attention to detail.. tactics.. i don't see them pulling some kinda flank assault or diversionary tactics..

But seeing as how we have a limited space.. i'd say 60 or so

[Anthony]

come on you moron.

this isn't Barney's 5 year olds. these are combat trained mini-warriors. i'm sure they'd be trained in basic concepts of urban warfare and have a pack mentality. that baby that Jim showed looked like it could kill without remorse.

i'd love to get down to that last one, the one prepared to fight till its death. what a clash that would be.

[Peregrine]

It seems to me that the kids would be most effective in just forcing you back through sheer numbers until they backed you into a wall and you were disqualified. Of course fatigue would be a big issue here.

[Raiders Army]

All I know is that at 6'2", she can kick MY ass from here to China. :)
Is that going the East or West route? Big difference. Also, if she could kick your ass straight through the Earth to China that would be cool.

[Ksyrup]

I'm telling you, my daughter can almost single-handedly kick my ass, and she's not even trying (of course, I'm not trying to kill her, either). A few times, when I'm on my knees or laying down and she jumps on my back, I've just about lost my breath. Get 10-20 of those bastards jumping on you, tearing at your hair and face, and you wouldn't last as long as you think you would.

of course, that might not happen until you've done quite a bit of damage yourself, but a coordinated attack might be pretty effective.

[Anthony]

and even bigger question:

Shorty vs. ten 5 year olds. who wins?

[gottimd]

Which Shorty shows up? The one that partied with Eli Manning the night before, or the one who was drinking Mountain Dew all night long preparing for the fight?

[Tigercat]

This thread is making me want to play GTA: Kindergarten.

[Huckleberry]

This thread came up at an opportune time. This Wednesday I will hold the first practice for my daughter's soccer team. 8 players, 4 and 5 years old.

Now it has a dual purpose: reconnaissance.

[Cringer]

This thread came up at an opportune time. This Wednesday I will hold the first practice for my daughter's soccer team. 8 players, 4 and 5 years old.

Now it has a dual purpose: reconnaissance.

Take notes, and be sure to pass them along.

[paperstreetsoap]

The problem is the beginning. If you are at half court when the whistle blows for the start, man, so many little fuckers might get you from behind, chopping at your knees. It could end quickly. I'd be doing roundhouse kicks or something to avoid that,

[Blackadar]

Yeah, I imagine once you have 1 knocked out you could simply spin it around by its head and use its feet to knock out any oncoming attackers.

Exactly, you take one of the little 40 pound fuckers and turn him into a polearm or a bolo. If various body parts come off, you can have a club for each hand!

Think the Matrix: Neo vs. all of the Mr. Smiths.

I'll take on 20-30 of them no sweat. After that there may not be enough room to manuever.

I'd prolly bend the rules a bit. I'd tape the ever-livin' shit out of my ankles, shins and knees. The little fuckers will probably be trying to bite and kick those areas a lot.

[Blackadar]

BTW, JPhillips, this is one of the best thread topics in a long, long time.

[WSUCougar]

Jesus, I haven't laughed this hard at a thread since the dating thread diagram.

I'm thinking at least 25-30. The initial few minutes would result in brutal attrition for the little guys. But I'd worry about my knees. They'd be chopping on them like little Paul frikkin' Bunyons. I think I'd be working toward a corner after the initial assault, and then go on the defensive.

[gottimd]

I think I'd be working toward a corner after the initial assault, and then go on the defensive.

You cant get too close to the corner, I think the rules state if you touch a wall you are ruled out.

[Franklinnoble]

Lighting bolt! Lightning bolt!

[Lathum]

Lighting bolt! Lightning bolt!
ROFL

have you seen that video?

[Cringer]

The problem is the beginning. If you are at half court when the whistle blows for the start, man, so many little fuckers might get you from behind, chopping at your knees. It could end quickly. I'd be doing roundhouse kicks or something to avoid that,

I think you go on the offensive at first. You need to charge one of the weak looking ones and just plow him/her down and whoever i around. Then, do as others have said. Pick the short one up, and either throw or swing it at the others.

That would only work for so long though I think. You would have to drop the kid at some point. That is when it gets used as a shield. As you shove some away, try to pile a couple up around you. They are short after all, it doesn't take much to make then slow down by making them have to climb over a few bodies. That is when you pop them in the face/throat, or use another kid head to smack against theirs.

[gottimd]

You also have to be realistic, do you honestly believe a 5 year old, with just a days training of hand to hand combat will retain any of that information. Most of us here I think either have kids or have been a kid enrolled in lets say a karate class. How many of you have experienced either being turned into a lethal fighting machine or your kids have become lethal fighting machines after a few lessons?

Stacking of the carnage might not work, if the bodies are being removed. Like one of those Bowling Sweepers after you knock the pins down on your first roll.

[QuikSand]

ROFL

do you have the internet too?

Fixed it for you.

[Lathum]

Fixed it for you.
Thanks

[QuikSand]

It is just staggering how much thought you can geenrate with this. Unreal.


Okay, my latest thinking is that there is a matter of focus that is going unsaid here. Yes, these are somewhat trained kindergarteners... but the setup does not suggest that they are brilliant, nor all that coordinated. So, giving them the benefit of the doubt about tactics and organizationa approaches is probably unfair.

I was thinking numbers in the dozens... but it's hard in my mind to see how it gets much tougher to fight 40 than, say, 20. Part of the fun of this, I guess.

But after thinking that realisticslly, at least some (most?) of these kids are just not going to be very effective fighters... I'm starting to think some fairly big numbers are reasonable.

Now... give me ShkSpr's wife as a co-combatant... and she and I can hole up in our kinder-carcass fort and I suspect we could hold them off for a month if needed. I'm thinking the two of us together could handle four hundred of these little pricks.

[QuikSand]

Like one of those Bowling Sweepers after you knock the pins down on your first roll.

Even more great imagery from an already-classic thread.

[Lathum]

Now here's a thought...

Would the 5 year olds be smart enough or coordinated enough to turn the table on you and use their fallen comrades as weapons.

Imagine 5 or 6 of the bastards using one of their fallen own as a battering ram to slam you into submission.

[gottimd]

A battling ram from them is easily avoidable. They wont be able to manuever as fast carrying one of their own, nor will they be able to coordinate it well (running together in the same direction). Mischevious little bastards!

[Ksyrup]

A couple of people have talked about swinging one of them by the head, and I just think that's too awkward. I'd go with a leg - easier to grasp than the head (hell, you might be able to do one in each hand in a propeller-like fashion), and probably not as prone to pop out of joint as the arm (don't quote me on that). If you can get two of those fuckers swinging in rhythm, their heads and arms pummeling the other little fuckers, you could make a big dent in them easily. The true test will be how you ward them off of your lower body.

[Anthony]

i'm not envisioning normal 5 year olds with a couple of combat classes. it's more fun to think of them as little mini-warriors limited only in size and strength. tactics-wise i would say they would have like basic combat training organization. it's easier to dehumanize these monsters if you assume they have the strategy to take you down. then you can go savage on them. if you're gonna be like "awwww, look at these cute little 5 year olds wearing cups on their bits and pieces"...that's when they got you.

you gotta be an animal. but a highly restrained animal. they'd have you beat on the stamina part. you'd gotta pace yourself.

i wonder if you could kill one just by connecting with a haymaker.

[gottimd]

If you can make the kid you are propelling sort of go higher and lower in the swing, you maybe able to withstand or propel a lower attack as well. Meaning, if you "helicopter" the one kid at the same level the entire time, I'm sure they will just duck, which will leave you defenseless.

[gottimd]

i wonder if you could kill one just by connecting with a haymaker.

This could be so fun, you could add your own color commentary as you whip the shit out of them. "Body Blow, Upper cut, Upper Cut, Jab...Uh oh off the Top Ropes!"

[Anthony]

If you can make the kid you are propelling sort of go higher and lower in the swing, you maybe able to withstand or propel a lower attack as well. Meaning, if you "helicopter" the one kid at the same level the entire time, I'm sure they will just duck, which will leave you defenseless.

i would use one as a human shield and charge them. i would walk over them as they fell. you'd waste too much energy swinging aroudn a 40 lbs. human, plus you might get dizzy from going around in circles. gotta conserve your energy.

[JPhillips]

Good to see this has sparked a lot of thought. The idea appealed to me because of an experience at a children's theatre performance. There were a good three hundred early elementary kids in the audience with maybe a dozen adults. A friend turned to me and said, "You know if they all figure out at the same time that there are way more of them than us, we couldn't stop them."

I've given the challenge some more thought. I think my earlier shot at thirty is very realistic, but not very bold. I want to revise and say I can take fifty of the little terrorists.

I still believe, though, that the challenge gets decided early. If they knock me off my feet I'm screwed. They may not retain much, but they will naturally try to pull out my hair with that deathgrip kids have. While I can carry a lot of them on my arms and legs, I don't think I could handle many of them hanging from my hair.

Also, my wife wants a crack at this as well. Shkspr, maybe you're up for a couple's challenge? Winning couple gets to keep the living five year olds as indentured servants. PM me with time and place.

[Bee]

If you can make the kid you are propelling sort of go higher and lower in the swing, you maybe able to withstand or propel a lower attack as well. Meaning, if you "helicopter" the one kid at the same level the entire time, I'm sure they will just duck, which will leave you defenseless.

I don't think I'd go with the swinging a kid since dizziness could become an issue. I'd probably go with picking them up and throwing them into others. Anyone know how well a 5 year old would bounce?

[Suicane75]

i would use one as a human shield and charge them. i would walk over them as they fell. you'd waste too much energy swinging aroudn a 40 lbs. human, plus you might get dizzy from going around in circles. gotta conserve your energy.

If ya found yourself a couple of chubby ones you could hold em by the fat on their necks, like you hold a cat, and use them as shields while you kick the heads off of the oncoming attackers.

[gottimd]

I don't think I'd go with the swinging a kid since dizziness could become an issue. I'd probably go with picking them up and throwing them into others. Anyone know how well a 5 year old would bounce?

I don't mean spinning for 5 minutes, you get a good 2-3 rotations, you'll knock a bunch out in the vicinity, then give the child you are holding the "Heave Ho" and you will probably knock a few more out that are farther away in that direction.

Again, I've said it and so has someone else, look at the Neo vs. Agent Smith's fight for some ideas.

[Anthony]

i'd want to dress like a ninja if i did this i'd want to be quick on my feet. plus i'd want to wear a black headband. it'd make me feel more like a weapon of death if i got to wear a black headband. then it'd be on till the muthafucking break of dawn. i would scream out random words like "Piss!"..."Doom"..."Fuck"...."Shit"..."Rip".

[JPhillips]

Ksyrup is very right by saying swinging by the head is a bad idea. Not only would the grip be tricky, but eventually its likely that you would rip the head from the body leaving you with only a small head for a weapon. If you grab by the legs even when they inevitably rip off the body you still have two small clubs to batter the rest senseless.

[Anthony]

i understand they get to wear cups, Phillips, but could i be a savage and take their cups off? or do they have to remain on at all times? this is important information cuz i need to know what my strategy would be.

[gottimd]

Here is a question no one asked, is this a lighted room? Strobe lights? or completely dark?

[Anthony]

I don't mean spinning for 5 minutes, you get a good 2-3 rotations, you'll knock a bunch out in the vicinity, then give the child you are holding the "Heave Ho" and you will probably knock a few more out that are farther away in that direction.

Again, I've said it and so has someone else, look at the Neo vs. Agent Smith's fight for some ideas.

fuck that...that was a movie with CGI effects. this is life and death. i suppose you think you can jump from head to head to head like Neo did with all the Agents too?

let's get real, keep the super powers out of this.

[gottimd]

fuck that...that was a movie with CGI effects. this is life and death. i suppose you think you can jump from head to head to head like Neo did with all the Agents too?

let's get real, keep the super powers out of this.

I know that, all super powers set aside, I mean, in some of the situations he tossed Agent Smith into the other ones. I mean things like that in that fight, not the flying parts or that type of shit.

[MikeVic]

If ya found yourself a couple of chubby ones you could hold em by the fat on their necks, like you hold a cat, and use them as shields while you kick the heads off of the oncoming attackers.

I think it says that they are healthy American children... so no tubby ones.

The shield thing would be a better tactic I think than the swinging. If you're going for a lot, conserving energy and going on the defense as soon as possible would be the key I think.

But, if they are gone as soon as they get knocked out, then this gets a lot harder.

[gottimd]

The shield thing would be a better tactic I think than the swinging.

Not necessarily, if you sit there defensively, they will come at you in all directions. You have to be offensive in some sorts, at least clear a lane around you. Like you just rebounded the ball.

[Ksyrup]

Ksyrup is very right by saying swinging by the head is a bad idea. Not only would the grip be tricky, but eventually its likely that you would rip the head from the body leaving you with only a small head for a weapon. If you grab by the legs even when they inevitably rip off the body you still have two small clubs to batter the rest senseless.Let me just say, the visual of doing this, having the head rip off, getting pissed, and hurling it at one of the oncoming rushers, made me laugh so hard I actually felt bad about the thought. Then it passed.

Actually, and I've done this with my daughter (although not at 'killer' speed), I wasn't thinking about spinning myself, just the kids - one in each hand, in propeller fashion. It can be done, although I agree that the energy loss might be too great after a while. I mean, once you get them going and then they stop in mid flight when they smack another one, you have to start the whole thing over and that can get tiring.

Can we make this a backetball court with 8 foot rims? I'd like to try a 3 pointer, and of course, a few slam dunks.

[WSUCougar]

I think the best tactic for the little bastards would be to go all phalanx on your ass. Get a big block of them and just push you toward a wall...or trample you. One key would be to stay on your feet to oppose this. A dog-pile would probably end it quickly by sheer weight of numbers.

[Ksyrup]

Have we determined whether "out" means still in the room, but no longer "in play," or whether they disappear from the room. Or, whether being "out" means they can't attack or be used for attack?

[Anthony]

Here is a question no one asked, is this a lighted room? Strobe lights? or completely dark?

oh man...don't even say strobe lights. i become an complete animal in strobe lights. you could tack on another 100 kids then if we're using strobe lights.

in a FOF MP league i was in, i had my team prepare for a big game by throwing them all in a small room. i would then put the strobe light on, and random words would flash on a monitor, like "Doom", "Tear", "Smash"....the room would have speakers playing very loud sounds of animal, like growling dogs, sounds of lions and wolves, people screaming. every once in a while we'd throw undercooked meat into the room and let them fight for it.

we wound up losing the game, but i swear, they all lost a little bit of their humanity after that experience. never the same again. i don't suggest using that tactic all the time.

[JPhillips]

HellAtlantic: Sure, you can remove the cups. But be sure and don't linger down there, that would be inappropriate.

I think WSU is on to something. How would you coach the five year olds? Personally, I would get them run away until you get caught up in trying to grab one. As soon as you slow down long enough to grab one, I'd have them mass rush with the goal of pulling hair and biting your face. Even if you eventually win you'll leave a bald, scarred figment of the man you used to be.

[Anthony]

HellAtlantic: Sure, you can remove the cups. But be sure and don't linger down there, that would be inappropriate.



it's over then if i can remove their cups. over. put me in a room with strobe lights and let me remove the cups...

200 kids. i could take on 200 kids in that instance.

[Ksyrup]

Even if you eventually win you'll leave a bald, scarred figment of the man you used to be.Not to mention ruin any shot you had with a woman.

"You got those scars HOW?"

"But baby, they weren't just 5 year old kids! They were trained killers!"

[QuikSand]

Strobe lights?

BRILLIANT!

[judicial clerk]

I am thinking of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer was getting training in Karate and he was in a class of 9 year olds. They ganged up on him in the end and gave him quite the thrashing.

[judicial clerk]

dola;

would any of the kids be named Ditka?

[WSUCougar]

While reading this thread I cannot help but think of those little aliens from Galaxy Quest:

http://sfstory.free.fr/images/GalaxyQuest/30.jpg

[Lathum]

This thread is getting into my head way to much...

so I'm at lunch and I see this 5 year old kid and start wondering if I could throw him around, spin him by his head, etc...

I suddenly get the feeling that someone is looking at me. I look away and straight into the eyes of the kids mother who has this disgusted look on her face that says "why the HELL are you staring at my kid" I can only imagine the look on my face as I am staring at this five year old kid with an expression of experamental curiosity. Good thing his dad wasn't there or I'd probably be bloody right now.

[Shkspr]

Okay, for the kids, the first goal has to be the immobilization of the limbs. I'm sure a reasonably fit adult can walk (with difficulty) with one 5 year old wrapped around each leg. With two kids draped around each leg hanging on, though, it becomes nearly impossible to retain any sense of mobility while also retaining balance. THe adult's primary instinct in that situation has to be to get the kids off. The problem with that isthat to do so requires that a few precious seconds be taken away from using children as crude bludgeons and used to clout the heads of the kids about the kneecaps.

The second priority, therefore, must me for the kids to secure each arm. This will most likely require three children hanging on to each limb securely. Again, the adult may be able to MOVE an arm, but they probably won't be able to use it to deal significant damage.

At that point with ten kids attached to the extremities, you can pull the guy to the ground by simply having the arm-holders pull him far enough away from upright that his center of gravity cannot be sustained by his immobile feet.

Then, send in the biters.

Given that some lovable little tots will need to be sacrificed for the good of the revolution, I estimate 30 kids should be able to take out a reasonably fit, unarmed adult with no combat training.

Even my wife.

[Ksyrup]

Step 1 in training the kids: Make them watch the end of Bug's Life over and over. Flic's speech becomes the Braveheart speech for the bastards. They should study the techniques used in taking down the grasshoppers.

[Anthony]

i could take 100 kids easily.

especially with strobe lights on.

[gottimd]

especially with strobe lights on.

Could the right music playing with the strobe lights add some more carnage?

[rkmsuf]

If the kids are not scared by definition I can't see the number being anymore than 30 at the most.

Depends on the size of the arean though. The larger arena favors the adult.

*actually just re-read. Basketball size make it 50. The adult could isolate some of the 5 years for easy outs.

[Bee]

Could the right music playing with the strobe lights add some more carnage?

I imagine "Feelings" playing in the background.

[Anthony]

Could the right music playing with the strobe lights add some more carnage?

no music. a tape of animal sounds, or sounds from the jungle, or maybe just blood-curdling screams looped over and over?...pure blood lust.

i might have been experimented on in a lab when i was a child. i just know i could take it to level 12 under that scenario.

[Franklinnoble]

Could the right music playing with the strobe lights add some more carnage?


I think so. I'd be damn near unstoppable with "Jesus Built My Hotrod" blaring while the strobe lights are going...

[rkmsuf]

This is probably a show over in Japan already.

[MikeVic]

Ok, so are we getting any clarification on the official lighting, and whether kids are taken away right after they get knocked out?

[Ksyrup]

If the kids had Death Angel's Kill As One piped into their earpieces, we'd all be slaughtered.

[gottimd]

What about the "Greatest Love" by Mariah Carey, mainly that part of the song about the children, just loop that over and over again.

Also, forgot to ask...huge problem here, are the little demonoids allowed to bite? That could hurt if they get on you and bite, and change strategy up a little.

[QuikSand]

Then, send in the biters.

This thread needs its own, separate, QOTM.

[QuikSand]

I'm going to take a different angle -- and suggest that using the bodies of fallen kids is not going to be productive. Sure, it increases your might when hitting the ones you hit -- but toting around 50 pounds or so of dead weight is just going to make you unweidly and ripe to be picked off by more maneuverable opponents. I think it's a net loss -- how hard do you have to his a five yar old to knock him out, anyway?

I'm thinking that kicking and punching is the way to go here... quicker, more accurate, ought to get the job done, but keeps you more ready to defend.

And I think rending a limb off one of them is too hard to even consider. You don't have 90 seconds to work through all that gristle -- if you spend time on that, you're toast.

[Franklinnoble]

Ok... but, how many 5 year olds could Ditka take?

[Lathum]

The music would have to be We are The World

[Ksyrup]

What about the "Greatest Love" by Mariah Carey, mainly that part of the song about the children, just loop that over and over again.

Also, forgot to ask...huge problem here, are the little demonoids allowed to bite? That could hurt if they get on you and bite, and change strategy up a little.
I think anything goes. At this point, we're a little uncertain about the lighting and whether the bodies disappear, stay where they are, or can be used as shields/attack instruments.

[mhass]

Ok... but, how many 5 year olds could Ditka take?
A lot. But not nearly as many as HA on raw meat.

[gottimd]

Drowning Pool, "Let the bodies hit the floor".

Where is JPhillips, we need some clarification on the rules here.

[Ksyrup]

A lot. But not nearly as many as HA on raw meat.
And strobe lights. Don't forget the strobe lights.

[mhass]

And strobe lights. Don't forget the strobe lights.
How could I? Have you been reading this??!!

[gottimd]

Wow, you can find anything on the internet. Someone has had this (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1556673) discussion before. Maybe they have some hints and tips. Here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/dje2004/5296.html) is another one.

[rkmsuf]

Starting positions would be key as well. If the adult stood at center court with the 5 year olds around him 5 deep, the adult would be in trouble from the go.

If the adult started at one end and the 5 year olds the other, the adult would have a better chance against more.

[Ksyrup]

Wow, you can find anything on the internet. Someone has had this (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1556673) discussion before. Maybe they have some hints and tips. Here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/dje2004/5296.html)is another one.
I like how one guy in the first discussion says, "I would go up to 53," as if this is such an exact science, he knows that at 54, he's asking for trouble.

[QuikSand]

Quoting for reference.


The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:


You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.

You are not allowed to touch a wall.

When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."

I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.

The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.

There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.

The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.


Despite the amusement opportunities... I think the fairest assumption is that the conditions above are everything relevant. No trick lighting, or else it would be mentioned.

[QuikSand]

I just made a link to this thread on my phone's web browser. Just incase I get stuck in an elevator or a meeting or something... I don't want to be away for too long.

[gottimd]

I am waiting to hear on the news or see on the internet:
Man arrested in Astoria, NY for walking into Elementary School and crushing the entire Kindergarten and 1st grade students. Witnesses say, he reaked of alcohol, strolled into the gym, plugged his strobe light in, and went to town on the little kids.

How he was arrested, after he finished the "task", he walked over the bodies, sat on the bleachers, pulled out a hoagie, and then went to town on that.

[mhass]

I am waiting to hear on the news or see on the internet:
Man arrested in Astoria, NY for walking into Elementary School and crushing the entire Kindergarten and 1st grade students. Witnesses say, he reaked of alcohol, strolled into the gym, plugged his strobe light in, and went to town on the little kids.
Reports have the assailant's accomplises tossing ground chuck into the gymnasium periodically.

[JPhillips]

I think that the lighting would have to be assumed to be good and constant, say the lighting for a basketball game.

The bodies would stay where they fall, but no child could reenter combat after he/she has been knocked unconscious.

The music will be loud and majestic renditions of Bach's greatest organ pieces, although for HellAtlantic the organ will be replaced by tuned animal cries.

The event will be videotaped and sold on PPV in Japan.

Each combatant is allowed to color his/her cup as desired. 256 colors of crayons will be provided.

All combatants will share in a pre-match cup of cherry Kool-Aid.

[gottimd]

Crayons? Shifty little bastards could shave those down into shanks.

[mhass]

WHEN o WHEN will this thread get stickyed?

[WSUCougar]

Simulation game thread is up HERE (http://dynamic2.gamespy.com/~fof/forums/showthread.php?p=745871#post745871).

Join now to fend off the vicious, Barney-loving hordes.

[Anthony]

I'm going to take a different angle -- and suggest that using the bodies of fallen kids is not going to be productive. Sure, it increases your might when hitting the ones you hit -- but toting around 50 pounds or so of dead weight is just going to make you unweidly and ripe to be picked off by more maneuverable opponents. I think it's a net loss -- how hard do you have to his a five yar old to knock him out, anyway?

I'm thinking that kicking and punching is the way to go here... quicker, more accurate, ought to get the job done, but keeps you more ready to defend.

And I think rending a limb off one of them is too hard to even consider. You don't have 90 seconds to work through all that gristle -- if you spend time on that, you're toast.

exactly. no one is tearing off anyone's limbs, let's get that established.

you need to take your knee and drive it into their faces. easy outs. that's it. knee to the face and they're done. i'd concentrate on shoving them down too. so knee to the face, push as many as i can to the floor to buy me some time, then haymakers, you could probably hit 2 kids if you're good enough. then you catch your breath by pushign as many as you could to the floor.

100 kids. the only thing that could stop you would be your stamina.

also, keep in mind - they might be tiny warriors, but they are only 5 years old, if you hit them hard enough they'll cry. so you could even smack a lot of kids to catch your breath.

then Mr. Knee will put them to bed once they stop to cry.

[TargetPractice6]

Actually I think spinning a kid around would be a very BAD idea. First off one could get dizzy and it would take quite a bit of energy to sling one around and then toss it. Also what has been mentioned: I just don't think the kids you would hit would get knocked out. I think they would stay away for as long as you spin the kid which only leaves you with the negative consequences and no kids out. Also 5 I think the body of a five year old is just too soft to knock even one of their own out unless they were hit just right. Seems like you would almost NEED some head-to-head contact when spinning or one of the kids would have to hit their head on the floor. Otherwise I think they would be able to take the blow and get back up.

[cthomer5000]

I suddenly have the urge to watch Battle Royale.
Great movie. Also, no way that ever gets made in the U.S. in this day and age.

[cthomer5000]

Here is a question no one asked, is this a lighted room? Strobe lights? or completely dark?
A strobe light would definitely be a major disadvantage to the adult. They don't need to be as accurate with their movements while moving en masse.

[Anthony]

Actually I think spinning a kid around would be a very BAD idea. First off one could get dizzy and it would take quite a bit of energy to sling one around and then toss it. Also what has been mentioned: I just don't think the kids you would hit would get knocked out. I think they would stay away for as long as you spin the kid which only leaves you with the negative consequences and no kids out. Also 5 I think the body of a five year old is just too soft to knock even one of their own out unless they were hit just right. Seems like you would almost NEED some head-to-head contact when spinning or one of the kids would have to hit their head on the floor. Otherwise I think they would be able to take the blow and get back up.

calm down, these aren't mega 5 year olds or mutated 5 year olds.

they're just 5 year olds with a working knowledge of group combat and tactics. if you hit them, they will bleed crimson red like the rest of us.

anyway, we've already discredited the "swinging one kid around helicopter-style" theory.

[TargetPractice6]

calm down, these aren't mega 5 year olds or mutated 5 year olds.

they're just 5 year olds with a working knowledge of group combat and tactics. if you hit them, they will bleed crimson red like the rest of us.

anyway, we've already discredited the "swinging one kid around helicopter-style" theory.Well obviously if you hit them with something hard, like a fist, they wouldn't be getting up. I'm just saying body blows, even on a five year old, probably wouldn't yield any knock-outs.

[WSUCougar]

I wonder if the 5 year olds can touch the walls? And if you touch a wall, are you "out"?

[Lathum]

Interesting point, maybe stand near a wall and keep bouncing them off the wall face first.

[Franklinnoble]

Sweep the leg.

[Klinglerware]

Sweep the leg.

But, sensei...

[Franklinnoble]

But, sensei...

Do you have a problem with that?

[Klinglerware]

Do you have a problem with that?

Umm... No, Sensei...

[Franklinnoble]

Umm... No, Sensei...

No mercy.

[Coffee Warlord]

No mercy.

*cue ominous music*

[Franklinnoble]

John Kreese: Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?!
Karate Student: No, Sensei!
John Kreese: Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?!
Karate Student: No, Sensei!
John Kreese: Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?!
Karate Student: No, Sensei!

[JeeberD]

47

[Franklinnoble]

If I get to pick the music, wear a Cobra Kai outfit, and call the arena my "dojo, " I think I'd be kicking all kinds of kidergarten ass...

[gottimd]

If I get to pick the music, wear a Cobra Kai outfit, and call the arena my "dojo, " I think I'd be kicking all kinds of kidergarten ass...
What would the emblem of your dojo be:
A) A Trout
B) Patriotic Undies
C) Awkward Diagram

[Anthony]

my wife didn't want to play along. i asked her on our commute home from work how many she could take, she was like "3, and don't bother me with these stupid questions".

i'm like "3?!? that's all??! you can only beat up 3 five year olds? these are 5 year olds with several lessons in combat and hardened to eliminate any fear...but still, they're just 5 year olds."

then she thinks a couple seconds and says annoyingly "i don't know...maybe 8 kids".

she just didn't get it.

[Franklinnoble]

What would the emblem of your dojo be:
A) A Trout
B) Patriotic Undies
C) Awkward Diagram

D) Charging Rhinocerous

[gottimd]

my wife didn't want to play along. i asked her on our commute home from work how many she could take, she was like "3, and don't bother me with these stupid questions".

i'm like "3?!? that's all??! you can only beat up 3 five year olds? these are 5 year olds with several lessons in combat and hardened to eliminate any fear."

then she thinks a couple seconds and says annoyingly "i don't know...maybe 8 kids".

she just didn't get it.

My fiance said 20 without hesitation.

[cthomer5000]

I was thinking more about this... I assume the rule about not being able to touch the walls is to keep you from parking yourself in a corner and making those fuckers come at you. The real problem here is that you're going to have to constantly be on the move.

If possible, I do think using the unconscious bodies in order to build some fort might be the way to go. Of course, how the hell are you going to get this thing built with these little fuckers biting, scratching, clawing at you. I guess it's just not practical.

But I think if you could come up with some way to funnel them towards you (as opposed to having to defend all sides) that you could greatly increase the number you could take on, to the point where exhaustion would be the only factor.

[hitmanwa]

I would just hope they aren't all Ernie Reyes Jr's kids. If so, I'm in deep doo doo!

[digamma]

Anyone ever seen that protect the castle freeware game? In the game, you pick up "intruders" with your mouse and toss them in the air. If you toss them high enough they splatter on the ground. Not high enough, and they're only momentarily stunned.

I'm thinking I might use an initial clothesline attack and then adopt a protect the castle strategy--trying to toss kids around. If I get a good throw, they might go splat. Otherwise, I buy time and maybe take out some others with the thrown bodies.

[TargetPractice6]

Anyone ever seen that protect the castle freeware game? In the game, you pick up "intruders" with your mouse and toss them in the air. If you toss them high enough they splatter on the ground. Not high enough, and they're only momentarily stunned.

I'm thinking I might use an initial clothesline attack and then adopt a protect the castle strategy--trying to toss kids around. If I get a good throw, they might go splat. Otherwise, I buy time and maybe take out some others with the thrown bodies.But if there are too many kids I'd imagine it would be like playing level 20 without archers or wizards.

[Franklinnoble]

Anyone ever seen that protect the castle freeware game? In the game, you pick up "intruders" with your mouse and toss them in the air. If you toss them high enough they splatter on the ground. Not high enough, and they're only momentarily stunned.

I'm thinking I might use an initial clothesline attack and then adopt a protect the castle strategy--trying to toss kids around. If I get a good throw, they might go splat. Otherwise, I buy time and maybe take out some others with the thrown bodies.

I almost posted a link to that game here...

I think kicking is the way to go. And, no matter what the training, when a 5 year old sees a peer get his face kicked in, he's going to hesitate, at least... in fact, I'd wager most of them will run away sobbing after they see what you do with the first 6 or 7 of them.

[cthomer5000]

I almost posted a link to that game here...

I think kicking is the way to go. And, no matter what the training, when a 5 year old sees a peer get his face kicked in, he's going to hesitate, at least... in fact, I'd wager most of them will run away sobbing after they see what you do with the first 6 or 7 of them.
the kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.
There's no way to score a mental edge in this game.

[Franklinnoble]

[/b]There's no way to score a mental edge in this game.

Oh, great. Well, now it's just TOTALLY unrealistic.

[TargetPractice6]

Oh, great. Well, now it's just TOTALLY unrealistic.Becuase there was a small chance of it happening before. ;)

[lighthousekeeper]

I don't think you will be able to effectively rely exclusively on punching and kicking the critters.

As I envision it, within seconds you would be swarmed by the kids. Sally would be tearing at your left thigh, Timmy biting your right kneecap, Bobby punching at your kidneys, Leshawn kicking at your calves from behind. Bobby (no - not the previous Bobby, this Bobby is weaker) undoing the button-fly of your jeans (they have been taught to pull down your pants to your ankles in order to limit your mobility).

I believe in this situation there are too many at close range for you to create the space needed for a good punch or kick. In this case, the best tactic is clearly to gouge out their eyes. Firmly grab the nearest head with both hands, place your thumbs over their eyes, and then push in as hard as possible. I suspect you could blind one in a matter of 1-3 seconds.

This tactic would be essential in disabling those that are at your heels, and would take a lot less energy then punching/kicking/spinning. Only when the swarm is off your heels could you mix it up by reverting to kicking.

[QuikSand]

lhk... interesting approach. I'm thinking, though, that eye-gouging requires a level of precision that you can't really afford here. If there really are 8 or 10 after you right this second, you can't afford to be pushing your fingers into his chubby little cheeks - you have to rack up a casualty with every move here. I'm thinking brute force really is better.

[cthomer5000]

lhk... interesting approach. I'm thinking, though, that eye-gouging requires a level of precision that you can't really afford here. If there really are 8 or 10 after you right this second, you can't afford to be pushing your fingers into his chubby little cheeks - you have to rack up a casualty with every move here. I'm thinking brute force really is better.
I'm with you. Violent elbows at close range should clear out some space quickly.

[lighthousekeeper]

I'm with you. Violent elbows at close range should clear out some space quickly.


Yes but an elbow would only stun them, blinding them basically eliminates them and also creates the possibility that they blindly begin hitting each other.

What I'm thinking is the situation where you've got kids with their skulls right around your upper thigh. Too low to elbow, too high to kick, and at too close range to punch (you'd be punching them at the top of their skull which would hurt your hands).


Anyone who's done a fair bit of fighting will tell you that punching a person in the head/face is VERY painful. Your knuckles will begin to bleed quickly, and you may begin to break bones in your hand before long.



I don't believe that gouging out eyes takes that much precision. On second thought, I would use three fingers per eye: pointer, middle, and ring fingers. Push in, then squish around.

[Franklinnoble]

Yes but an elbow would only stun them, blinding them basically eliminates them and also creates the possibility that they blindly begin hitting each other.

What I'm thinking is the situation where you've got kids with their skulls right around your upper thigh. Too low to elbow, too high to kick, and at too close range to punch (you'd be punching them at the top of their skull which would hurt your hands).


Anyone who's done a fair bit of fighting will tell you that punching a person in the head/face is VERY painful. Your knuckles will begin to bleed quickly, and you may begin to break bones in your hand before long.



I don't believe that gouging out eyes takes that much precision. On second thought, I would use three fingers per eye: pointer, middle, and ring fingers. Push in, then squish around.

How about just ramming the kids into the walls?

I mean, touch a wall, and you're out, right? I think beating them to submission is tiresome... just start shoving them into walls.

[Travis]

It's all about the first kid. You place kick that kid through the uprights from 40 yards out and I promise you they won't be scrambling to be the first to get at you, cup or no cup. That and it'll probably be the only time you'll have the room for the proper footwork.

Then you take advantage of their slack jawed wonderment over the magnitude of that initial kick to level at least 10 while issuing a blood curdling scream about how they are all so grounded.

After that, it's quite simply go time.

Myself, I'd be ticked at myself if I didn't at leaset get to triple figures.

[cthomer5000]

It's all about the first kid. You place kick that kid through the uprights from 40 yards out and I promise you they won't be scrambling to be the first to get at you, cup or no cup.
Once again guys:

The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

[RendeR]

Here's the thing, as it has been stated, they're going to try and mob you from the outset, its all about getting space to keep fighting.

Intitial contact I bludgeon 3-4 with rapic head shots. These are 5 yr olds, one adult punch to the head WILL knock them unconcious, if not kill them outright.

At this point I grab the nearest kid, swing it around to keep the rest off me for a few seconds and throw him against one side of the mob, effectively mowing down /slowing down a large number of 5 yr olds.

turn to the opposite flank, rinse and repeat.

With fatigue factored in for throwing a 5 yr old, I don't know that I could still be taken down as long as things go my way. if something slips up and I get swarmed I'll still take at least another 30-50 with me before they take me out altogether.

So its all about the luck, do they have any? when do they get it? thats what will decide the day.

[Ragone]

I have a point of clarification..

Are these kids on any performance enhancing suppilments.. cream.. clear.. super golden crisp..?

[Franklinnoble]

I have a point of clarification..

Are these kids on any performance enhancing suppilments.. cream.. clear.. super golden crisp..?


Better yet... can we take performance enhancing supplements?

Gimme an 8 ball and a fifth of scotch, and I pity the fools...

[Ksyrup]

How about just ramming the kids into the walls?

I mean, touch a wall, and you're out, right? I think beating them to submission is tiresome... just start shoving them into walls.
I think the danger in this is that if you're close enough to a wall, and they get a coordinated effort to push you toward the wall, you could lose your balance and touch the wall.

[stevew]

First of all, 5 year olds bite for the playfake like nothing else. So you can easily eliminate quite a few by simply saying "Look, is the <insert cartoon character here> over there" When they are momentarily stunned, you move in with the elbow, knee and forearm combo. You also gotta worry about picking one up and getting a vicious headbutt. Those heads are hard like nothing else.

[QuikSand]

Hmmm... on the matter of the wall. I'm not seeing the "touch the wall" as a way to end the game (as a strategic point for the kids), but rather as a limitation on what strategy you are able to employ. I'm thinking it would be easier to fend off the kids if you stood up against a wall, and limited the number of angles they could come at you -- so, sensibly, that is precluded under the rules.

I'm not sure it makes sense that "touching a wall is immediate disqualification" is a necessary extension of this rule. The kids are trained to take you down, but just force you to brush against the wall. This is bloodsport, not sumo.

[Suicane75]

It would only make sense that there has to be an opening for the kids to come into the room, so I think if you maybe knocked out the first 4 or 5 and piled them up in front of the entrance you could pretty much pick them off as they tried to get into the room.

Edit: I guess there is no entrance.

[Ksyrup]

Hmmm... on the matter of the wall. I'm not seeing the "touch the wall" as a way to end the game (as a strategic point for the kids), but rather as a limitation on what strategy you are able to employ. I'm thinking it would be easier to fend off the kids if you stood up against a wall, and limited the number of angles they could come at you -- so, sensibly, that is precluded under the rules.

I'm not sure it makes sense that "touching a wall is immediate disqualification" is a necessary extension of this rule. The kids are trained to take you down, but just force you to brush against the wall. This is bloodsport, not sumo.I think you are right, since the only way to lose that is stated in the rules is to be knocked unconscious.

Another interesting point that I think some of us may have missed is that the kids do not have the same prohibition against touching the walls. I think some of us had suggested pushing kids against the wall to get them "out," but there's no rule that either says they can't touch the wall or disqualifies them for touching the wall. Just like for us, being knocked unconscious is the only way they can lose.

[Suicane75]

Are we allowed to remove clothing? Say work boots?

[digamma]

My latest idea or comparison is like whack a mole. Forceful downard shots to the tops of their little heads.

[albionmoonlight]

I bet you a five year old has a pretty hard bite. Get a few of them clamped down on your fingers and you could be in trouble.

Once you are on the ground, they could just keep plugging up your nose and mouth (and eye gouging works for them, too) and jumping on your chest to keep you low on oxygen.

The trick, of course, would be to keep them from getting those advantages in the first place, which is why I agree with those that say that the first few moments in the room will be critical.

[Fonzie]

When I read this thread I can't help but conjure up images of Sauron knocking dozens of people aside with one swing of his mace.

[Bee]

I think some here are giving the kids way too much credit for being organized. With a single day of training I don't think the 5 year olds would be nearly organized enough to do much coordinated assaults. In fact, the more 5 year olds there are, the more they would probably get in each other's way. Just because they are motivated to attack you, doesn't mean they would be any more organized than the typical group of 5 year olds trying to play a sport. I'm still saying, fill the room up with the little ankle biters. :D

[cuervo72]

It's pronounced ka-ra-TAY, Jerry.

[Desert Dweeb]

Okay, for the kids, the first goal has to be the immobilization of the limbs. I'm sure a reasonably fit adult can walk (with difficulty) with one 5 year old wrapped around each leg. With two kids draped around each leg hanging on, though, it becomes nearly impossible to retain any sense of mobility while also retaining balance. THe adult's primary instinct in that situation has to be to get the kids off. The problem with that isthat to do so requires that a few precious seconds be taken away from using children as crude bludgeons and used to clout the heads of the kids about the kneecaps.

The second priority, therefore, must me for the kids to secure each arm. This will most likely require three children hanging on to each limb securely. Again, the adult may be able to MOVE an arm, but they probably won't be able to use it to deal significant damage.

At that point with ten kids attached to the extremities, you can pull the guy to the ground by simply having the arm-holders pull him far enough away from upright that his center of gravity cannot be sustained by his immobile feet.

Then, send in the biters.



This is what I am thinking, except I would take it a bit further and direct the biters to the fingers. I still carry scars from a kid who went into "eat my hand" mode during a fight. Most painful fight I was ever in.

[Desert Dweeb]

I bet you a five year old has a pretty hard bite. Get a few of them clamped down on your fingers and you could be in trouble.



Dola, beat me to it.

[Ragone]

Sweep the leg.

Get him a Body bag!

[TargetPractice6]

I think kicking as hard and as much as I can would be my strategy. Since were are talking about 3 feet tall kids it would be much easier than punching, and I would imagine it would hurt them more. Also it would keep the legs moving thus keeping the kids from immobilizing you. The only downside I can think of is balance. If you somehow lost the leg you were standing on during the kid you would be screwed.

[Neon_Chaos]

BUUUUUUMPPPPP!!!!!!!

[Groundhog]

LOL... Can't believe I somehow missed this thread the first time around...

[saldana]

this thread actually got deleted from another board i am on

[judicial clerk]

You know, I have recently completed some defensive tactics and ground fighting training. I also have really upped my stamina with an aerobic exercise regimine. I think I have doubled the number of five year olds I could take.

[Groundhog]

OK. We've all had more than a year to give this some serious thought.

What's your final number?

Me, personally, I think I could take on about 50. I'm not the athlete I used to be, and endurance would be the killer. Another point to remember is that punching really hurts your fists. You take down a couple of these kids and your hands are going to swell up, leaving you with just your legs. You throw a single way-ward kick and 10 of the little buggers are going to grapple your leg and it's game over.

With this in mind you need to throw a couple of roundhouse kicks right at the beginning to clear some room, and then go in for the grab. Pick up a kid and just utterly destroy him by hurling him head first in to the ground. Then you gotta keep the rest of them at bay with your kicks, and take the fuckers out one by one. You pick up a kid and twirl them around and you may knock them over, but you won't knock them out. The key is using your energy wisely and making sure each attack you use is a KO attack.

[Noop]

WOW

[Neon_Chaos]

probably 30 for me.

[Joe]

84

[Cringer]

Learn how to work, kid. ;)

[sterlingice]

Thread necromancy much?

SI

[Radii]

It is just staggering how much thought you can geenrate with this. Unreal.


Okay, my latest thinking is that there is a matter of focus that is going unsaid here. Yes, these are somewhat trained kindergarteners... but the setup does not suggest that they are brilliant, nor all that coordinated. So, giving them the benefit of the doubt about tactics and organizationa approaches is probably unfair.

I was thinking numbers in the dozens... but it's hard in my mind to see how it gets much tougher to fight 40 than, say, 20. Part of the fun of this, I guess.

But after thinking that realisticslly, at least some (most?) of these kids are just not going to be very effective fighters... I'm starting to think some fairly big numbers are reasonable.

Now... give me ShkSpr's wife as a co-combatant... and she and I can hole up in our kinder-carcass fort and I suspect we could hold them off for a month if needed. I'm thinking the two of us together could handle four hundred of these little pricks.


re-reading this thread I think the above post is one of my favorites ever. Also, I count at least 4 typos, I think Quik was getting pretty excited at the thought of taking out hordes of 5 year olds.

[Cringer]

Kinder-carcass puts it over the top huh?

[Radii]

Thread necromancy much?

SI


http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/

has been making the rounds lately in many circles(I've seen it on two separate occasions in the last week).

[Anthony]

this is my alltime favorite thread.

[Groundhog]

this is my alltime favorite thread.

Ditto. This thread also pretty much reads as a "Best Of Hell Atlantic" thread.

[Shkspr]

re-reading this thread I think the above post is one of my favorites ever. Also, I count at least 4 typos, I think Quik was getting pretty excited at the thought of taking out hordes of 5 year olds.

I'm personally a little creeped out by his desire to hole up with my wife for a month.

[RomaGoth]

I missed this one earlier. Do 6 year olds count, or do they have to be 5? My six year old son is driving me nuts these days................

[Mota]

I think it would be kinda like breaking the seal when you're drinking... probably take you a long time to kill the first one, but after that you could get rid of 'em fast and furious.

Unless they were bloodthirsty zombie kids, that would change the formula completely.

[Cringer]

And so the discussion starts again.......

:D

[RomaGoth]

I think it would be kinda like breaking the seal when you're drinking... probably take you a long time to kill the first one, but after that you could get rid of 'em fast and furious.

Unless they were bloodthirsty zombie kids, that would change the formula completely.

Isn't that a video game or something?

[Apathetic Lurker]

I've built up a resistance to 5 year olds since i'm a bus driver..... Bring on 200 ..no ..make that 300 tykes!

[Warhammer]

5 year olds I can take, they have learned fear. It's the three year olds I worry about.

I took my 3 year old to the barbers yesterday, and he was great and sat in the chair next to me while I got my haircut. When we were done, he went to get up (ignoring me telling him no), and got his coat caught in the chair and smacked his head on the floor. He had a black and blue knot the size of an avocado pit that stuck out about 3/4". Took him to the doctor and he was alright.

Got him home, what's the first thing he does? He climbs up on the biggest chair he can find, and then jumps off.

[Doug5984]

Just did the howmany5yearsoldscanyoutakeinafight.com or whatever Radii posted above, my number was 26. I think thats a little low... Somehow I missed this thread completely until now. I think it is all about the initial rush, once you start getting a few knocked out, if you are in shape you can take em all.

[path12]

How the hell did I miss this?

Elbows are your best friend. Swinging, punching, kicking, these things will tire you out too quickly. But you can swing elbows all day. Little bastards wouldn't have a chance.

[Groundhog]

I missed this one earlier.

Not surprising, considering you've only been on these boards for less than a month.

[sterlingice]

Unless they were bloodthirsty zombie kids, that would change the formula completely.

Well, that becomes really problematic because then you have to start factoring in stuff like how soon after zombification starts taking effect and how you'd fight very conservatively because you'd be afraid of being bitten.

SI

[Anthony]

i just thought of this question over 3 years after this thread got started:

when you say "how many 5 year olds can you take?", do you mean you're going to put me in a room and keep sending in wave after wave of 5 year old warriors until i eventually succumb? cuz if that's the case, the question is more "how many 5 year olds do you think you could take before you are beat in this challenge?"

is there a finite number of combatants? how do i win? or have i forgot the rules or something? what is the criteria for winning this challenge?

i still think i can take on 100 minimum. i've packed on a beer belly since this thread came out, but due to a steady consumption of red meat/protein and an occassional arm/shoulders workout i've added more muscle to my upper body. i can get up to 200 kids with the aforementioned ninja outfit and black headband, strobe lights and a song like "Survivalism" by NIN blaring loudly, with sounds of ravaging animals interspersed throughout.

[Shkspr]

Naah, I've got you pegged for like, 6 max.

[digamma]

So somebody tried this...and failed (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/nyc-gym-teacher-claims-6-old-student-beat-195314203.html).

[bulletsponge]

god, id crawl into a hole and bury myself before i went public if a 5 year old kicked my ass. this has to be a con

[lighthousekeeper]

got beat by a kid but beat the system.

[Surtt]

So somebody tried this...and failed (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/nyc-gym-teacher-claims-6-old-student-beat-195314203.html).

To be fair, they were 6 year olds...

[JPhillips]

On the local CBS they were interviewing the mother and kid. The mother said the child didn't kick the teacher. They asked the kid and he said, "I don't know. I forgot." I have a seven year old. I've heard that lie before.

[korme]

All these kids we were talking shit about are 12 now, and we're 7 more years out of shape. This is bad

[hoopsguy]

So somebody tried this...and failed (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/nyc-gym-teacher-claims-6-old-student-beat-195314203.html).

If only he had the benefit of strobe lights and his own theme music ...

[CrimsonFox]

I couldn't see the whole title. I assumed it was going to end "fit in your mouth at once"

[Mota]

I think the point of the game was how many 5 year olds you can take, not how you somehow have to get this stinkin' 5 year old to the principal's office without touching him, without saying anything remotely negative, while at the same time he can do anything he wants to you without any repercussions. I'm sure that one forearm to the back of the head would have knocked out that kid for 6-8 weeks but good luck ever finding another teaching job.

[Autumn]

All these kids we were talking shit about are 12 now, and we're 7 more years out of shape. This is bad

Can we get this thread deleted? Or at least any of my posts.

[JeeberD]

My son isn't even three yet and he beats the crap out of me (unintentionally, most of the time). I think my original reply of 47 is WAY too many.

[sterlingice]

On the local CBS they were interviewing the mother and kid. The mother said the child didn't kick the teacher. They asked the kid and he said, "I don't know. I forgot." I have a seven year old. I've heard that lie before.

Yeah, no kidding. I feel for the gym teacher, especially when parents can't see that mommy and daddy's little angel can do no wrong.

SI

[SegRat]

So apparently I can't even take 1. Maybe it is because he is actually 6 instead of 5. Yeah I'll go with that. So last Friday I was wrestling with my son. He came running at me and jumped and his knee came down full force. I had a lot of pain almost immediately. The pain lasted a little more than 2 hours. I had no more problems until Monday night. I was sitting in a chair watching the Packer game. I moved a little to readjust myself and I felt a pop in my back followed by immediate pain. Again it lasted a little more than 2 hours before I was able to fall asleep. I woke up at 2 a.m. In very intense pain. So I called my dad to come sit with the kids while I went to the ER. They ran a CAT scan and the only thing that showed up was my white blood cell count was high, and my liver was slightly inflamed. So the ER sent me home with a prescription for Vicodin. I took those for the full day and they did absolutely nothing for the pain. So I called my primary Dr and went to see him. He was feeling around in my back and he said he was pretty certain that I tore a muscle. So he sent me home with some muscle relaxers. So I took those for the full day and they did nothing for the pain. I would say I was expierncing about an 8 on the pain scale. So I called my Dr first thing in the morning and more or less begged for something stronger. So he gave me an order for oxycodone. I took 1 pill at 2:00 yesterday and it knocked me out. I woke at 4 and by 4:15 was in complete pain again. So I called the Dr office and asked how long the oxy should last. After I explained that it lasted about 2 hours they suggested that I return to the ER. So they run another CAT scan and it shows my white blood cell count was higher than it was Monday night. So the ER Dr consulted with another Dr and they now believe when Lukas jumped on me that I suffered severe trauma to my kidney. They believe I have a clotting in my kidney. If this is the case I was told my kidney is dying and too much time has passed to save it.

So if you ever find yourself one on one with a 6 year old, take him out before he does you.

[flere-imsaho]

:eek:

[timmae]

holy crap... Kidney is Dying sounds serious. Hope you are ok man.. that 6 year old is mad crazy!

[PilotMan]

Holy crap! That's an awful story.

[Logan]

The good thing is that your son seems like a lock for some kind of scholarship.

[Lathum]

Da Fuck!

That is horrible man, sorry to hear.

Any chance for a malpractice suit? Seems like that is something the hospital should have caught.

[JPhillips]

Sorry to hear.

I hope you will give the kid your dead kidney for Christmas.

[Butter]

Better yet, hold this in your back pocket and if your other kidney starts to fail, pull this story out for the guilt of getting one of his donated to you.

[Kodos]

Y'ouch! :eek: That sucks.