RIP Mitch Hedberg

[Ksyrup]

Just found this out. Heroin OD, allegedly.


http://blogcritics.org/archives/2005/03/31/133404.php

[Pyser]

my friends said they heard this on stern (and he was on stern like 2 weeks ago), but this is the first ive seen/heard it anywhere else.

hope its not true, and some elaborate april fools joke.

[Ksyrup]

Could be. It's only being reported in his bio at Comedy Central so far, which is surely suspicious. I guess they figured no one would believe it if they did a joke on April 1...?

[Franklinnoble]

He's a comic... could be an April Fool's joke...

[Pyser]

im gonna really be kicking myself for not checking him out at carolines 2 weeks ago....

[timmynausea]

im gonna really be kicking myself for not checking him out at carolines 2 weeks ago....
Same here. He was in Kalamazoo not too long ago, but I didn't go cause I hate the comedian that was opening for him.

[timmynausea]

Dola. Found this article.
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/news/breaking_news/11278099.htm

[Fritz]

Saw him with Stephen Lynch. Hedburg was popular with a young/high crown, but was not very funny.

[DeToxRox]

I really hope it's an April Fools Joke

[Ksyrup]

That article seems pretty legit. As opposed to Comedy Central and Stern.

[Karlifornia]

Man I love Mitch Hedberg.....I saw him at the improv...he repeats jokes sometimes, but he really is a hoot...Hope this isn't true.

[Maple Leafs]

I remember hearing that he was heading downhill fast, doing drugs on stage and skipping shows. Sad.

[Pyser]

hxxp://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1499352/20050331/hedberg_mitch.jhtml?headlines=true

i dont know if its sad or stubborn, but im still refusing to believe this right now. though im beginning to doubt.

[Pyser]

ok, called up the place he was performing tonight, and they said his next 4 shows there are cancelled. guess hes dead.

shit. that sucks.

[Ksyrup]

Not if he shows up for the 5th show.

[jeff061]

That sucks, I thought his stuff was dumb. But it made me laugh and thats all that matters.

[Airhog]

http://www.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/news/bal-artslife-news-hedberg31,1,6888591.story?coll=bal-entertainment-headlines&ctrack=1&cset=true

[Airhog]

Comedian Mitch Hedberg dies at 37
Jokester was set to perform at Baltimore's Improv; Cause of death unknown

Originally published March 31, 2005, 5:05 PM EST
It seemed like just another on-air phone call. Shortly before 10 a.m. today, the hosts of the Kirk, Mark and Lopez morning show on 98 Rock (WIYY-FM) dialed the number of standup comedian Mitch Hedberg, who was scheduled for a phone interview.

The nationally known jokester was booked for five straight shows at Baltimore's Improv beginning last night.

A distraught-sounding woman answered and said that Hedberg wasn't available. She hung up.

The mystery wasn't cleared up until midafternoon today, when the comedian's publicists announced that Hedberg, 37, had passed away the night before. The cause of death was still unknown.

Stephanie Drummond, producer of the drive-time show, was grappling with her disbelief today. Hedberg, who had become a semi-regular in recent years on such national TV shows as Late Night With David Letterman and Late Late With Craig Kilborn, had appeared many times on the station, which works closely with the Improv chain.

"He's a wonderful guy," she said. "His delivery is so dry. He's like [deadpan comic] Steven Wright, with a little bit of hippie in him."

The show was bombarded with e-mails asking about Hedberg today, many wondering if it was an April Fool's joke. It wasn't.

"We'll be playing a lot of his highlights on the [Friday morning] show," she said. "He'll be missed."

Just two weeks ago, the long-haired comic had tried out a few new jokes on the Howard Stern Show. Some were about satellite radio, which he said he was beginning to hear frequently during his cross-country travels. "There's a reason you can curse" on satellite radio, he said. "Nobody's listening."

The Improv announced this afternoon that comedian Randy Kagan, who was slated to open for Hedberg, would be headlining tonight through Sunday.

[MrBug708]

If it's an April Fools joke, why would it be done today?!?

[stevew]

Man, if true, this really sucks.

[hukarez]

Man, if true, this really sucks.
x2. I really enjoyed his specials -- a nice break from the others every now and then.

[sabotai]

:(

[Ksyrup]

Ran across this list of jokes/one-liners over the weekend:



I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

Every time I go and shave I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too"

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too...I tried to taste it, but it did not work...

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...

2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

I played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

...You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking 'there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."

My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of [dropping] Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. <!--IBF.ATTACHMENT_139837-->

[Suicane75]

Fuck.

[Schmidty]

Never heard of this guy, but he sounded like a funny dude.

[panerd]

My favorites...

I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push is HH. So I pressed the H button twice. Potato chips came out! Turns out there was an HH button. You gotta let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of HH. I did not learn my AA BB CCs.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

[Suicane75]

The Kite bit, the motherfuckin kite bit.

I saw a kid in the park flying a kite, and he was all excited, but I was like, it's a kite, thats what its supposed to do. I would be excited if you got a chair to fly, you have to run like a motherfucker to get a chair up to fly.

[jeff061]

I'm a lazy person, so this one stuck with me, I find it hilarious for whatever odd reason, probably because I have many similar situations.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

[sabotai]

..... :(

[sabotai]

I got a do not disturb sign on my hotel room, it says "do not disturb". It's time we go with "don't disturb". It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. "Don't disturb". "Do not disturb" psychs you out." "Do" Ok, I get to disturb this guy. "don't" Shit! I need to read faster.

I like to wear "do not disturb" signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. Hey little nephew. Knock-knock. Read the sign punk!

[Suicane75]

You can eat when you find the Duphrenes.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck, I spent like 2 years repeating that line over and over.
This sucks way too much.