I like vending machines cause snacks are better when they fall

[korme]

If I buy a candybar in a store, often times I will drop it. So that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential.


I bought a $7 pen cause I always lose pens and I got sick of not carin'.

[KevinNU7]

Don't quit your day job

[korme]

I play golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole in one but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore", but I was too busy mumblin', "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

[FrogMan]

woah kid, pretty early to start drinking...

FM

[jeff061]

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

[cartman]

It's sad to think that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

[korme]

One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." .. Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I was older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.

[cartman]

A question a child might ask is "Where does rain come from."
A cute answer is to say "It's because God is crying."
If they ask "Why is God crying?", I tell them "It's probably because of something you did."

[Pyser]

I'm staying at a hotel. I can't tell you which one, but there are two trees involved.

[korme]

My roomate says "I need to shave, and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?"

It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

[korme]

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

[DeToxRox]

I used to do drugs ... I still do them now but I used to do them too.

[gottimd]

Mitch?

[DeToxRox]

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be far too long

[Maple Leafs]

Sometimes people say "I'm not racist, I don't care if you're white, black, yellow, or purple." Well, hold on. You have to draw the line somewhere. Fuck purple people!

[Pyser]

i like the fed ex guy, cuz hes a drug dealer, and he doesnt even know it.

and he's always on time.

[jeff061]

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

[Suicane75]

WHAT ABOUT THE DUFRENES?!!!!!!!!!

[Maple Leafs]

I'm not addicted to gambling, but I am addicted to standing in a semi-circle.

[korme]

At the end of my letters I like to write: PS- this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

[Suicane75]

Sometimes I make instant oatmeal and then just sit there for an hour. I could just make regular outmeal.

[Poli]

I like an escalator, man, because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only a 'escalator temporarily stairs. We apologize for the convenience.

[korme]

My friend asked me I wanted a frozen banana, I said no. But I wanted a regular banana later, so, yeah.

[Suicane75]

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, that price fucks with your head, suddenly you think you can start to sell pop. Hey man, wanna buy pop? 50 cents a can, its not refrigerated, this is a half ass commitment.

[Maple Leafs]

I never joined the army, because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. "Ease" for me does not mean standing with my hands behind my back and my legs parted slightly. For me, "at ease" means not being in the army.

[Poli]

I went to this heavy metal concert, and the singer yelled to the crowd 'How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said 'How many of you feel like animals?' And the thing is, everybody cheered after the 'animals' part. But I cheered after the 'human beings' part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. I said, 'Yes, I feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree.

[korme]

I was in a park and I saw a kid flying kite and he was excited, i dont know why, it's a kite, that's what it's supposed to do. I would be impressed if he were flying a chair, you have to run like a motherfucker.

[Suicane75]

If the jokes go down Chuck, pick it up.

[korme]

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[Maple Leafs]

My friend said to me "Man, the weather is really trippy." And I said "Perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, but rather, the way in which we perceive the weather." And then I thought to myself, I should have just said "Yeah".

[Poli]

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

[korme]

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut man, I'll just give you the money and you give me the donut. End of transaction, we don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

[Karlifornia]

When I saw him at the improv in San Jose, the background was this fake brick wall, and Mitch said: "I like this wall, because it feels like I'm just standing in some alley tellin' jokes"

[Suicane75]

I think bigfoot is blurry, thats the problem.

[korme]

I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away.

[Suicane75]

I think pringles was originaly intended to be a tennis ball company, but on the first day a bunch of potatos were delivered, they're a laid back company, they said "fuck it, cut em up."

[Poli]

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree

[Poli]

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

[korme]

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

[Suicane75]

I had a friend and he said "you know what I like? Mashed potatos" It's like "dude, you have to give to me time to guess, if you're gonna quiz me you have to insert a pause."

[korme]

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

[Suicane75]

If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

[MJ4H]

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut man, I'll just give you the money and you give me the donut. End of transaction, we don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.
Don't even act like I didn't buy that donut. I've got the documentation right here. It's in my file at home under 'D' (for donut).

[JHandley]

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get mad if she ever heard me say that.

[korme]

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

[Maple Leafs]

I have a friend who's a juggler. When I got his house, I feel like I can not eat his food if it is in threes. "Oh, he only has three oranges left. I guess I can't have one."

[Suicane75]

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos, these fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer when used to fire up the BBQ and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito dad, you know how I like it. With grill markssss.

[sovereignstar]

On his way to 5000 I see.

[Suicane75]

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Who look just like me.

[mhass]

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."

[Mustang]

WHAT ABOUT THE DUFRENES?!!!!!!!!!

You can eat, once you find the Dufrenes.




I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit

[Julio Riddols]

Track 5 will not be Chainsaw Juggler..

[Logan]

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, cause maybe they got shot in the face with a bee-bee gun.

[Groundhog]

Last time I called Shotgun we had rented a limo.... I fucked up.

[mckerney]

I love it when I run into people eating more unhealthy than me. I grew up in Indiana and I was walking around the K-Mart in our town, or as we called it "The Mall". I saw this guy walking around the K-Mart, he was drinking something, and I realized he was drinking a cup of KFC gravy. And you know, I love gravy too, but I've never considered it a beverage. Wouldn't you love to be at the doctor with this guy? Hey, how you doing there Mr. Jones I'm your doctor. I've got your cholesterol here...ok...your bloods not moving. This is kind of a strange question, you haven't been drinking gravy have you? Cause your like 90% meat byproduct, we're gonna have to register you with the government.



What, this isn't a Jim Gaffigan thread? :confused:

[Maple Leafs]

Sometimes when I'm walking around I like to wave at strangers. But that's dangerous, because you never know, the guy might not have any hands. And he'll think you're making fun of him. "Hey, look what I got! This thing's fucking useful! I'm going to go pick something up!"

[Dr. Sak]

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true, what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

[ThunderingHERD]

Sometimes when I'm walking around I like to wave at strangers. But that's dangerous, because you never know, the guy might not have any hands. And he'll think you're making fun of him. "Hey, look what I got! This thing's fucking useful! I'm going to go pick something up!"

I hate to interrupt, but that joke reminds me of something from four or five years ago when I was in school.

This girl that I was sort of involved with but didn't care for very much, let's call her Brianne, pushes me into having lunch with her and her roommate, whom I had never met. So we're downstairs in the dorm's dining hall eating lunch--I'm on one side of the booth, she and her roommate are on the other. I'm being something of a prick the whole time because I don't really want to be there.

The roommate finishes eating, says she wants to get some ice cream, and asks Brianne if she'lll go help her. I make some snide comment because it seems like a silly request; the roommate proceeds to lift her right arm and reveal one of those gnarled, miniature, birth-defect hands.

I felt kind of bad about that.

[Blackadar]

I don't discriminate. I hate everyone equally.