Moral Dilemna with Child

[JimmyWint]

Lets say you had a 15 year old daughter and you stumbled upon her online journal. In this online journal there was some not so nice information regarding her activities with Sex and Drugs ect ect...Do you trust that you have taught her right from wrong and she is just living out some sort of fantasy with her journal, or do you confront her on it and possibly breach her trust in you...Help!

[sterlingice]

I've heard moats and towers do wonders if you're a father ;)

SI

[vex]

I'd spy on her.

[Ksyrup]

La la la la la la la la

For sanity's sake, I did not just read that.

[SackAttack]

La la la la la la la la

For sanity's sake, I did not just read that.

Somebody's got a teenage daughter, I suspect.

[SackAttack]

Although it brings up an interesting question: why do people worry more about daughters getting involved in sex and drugs than about sons doing the same?

[vex]

Because men have trouble giving birth?

[WSUCougar]

How did you "stumble" upon her journal?

In any case, I think your responsibilities as a parent outweigh the grief you'll get betraying her trust, and it matters little how you learned what you did. I would start by outright acknowledging the trust issue and how you may have breached it. But I would then state that, as her parent, you feel obliged to address the issue and that your love for her and concern for her future are what matter most.

[SackAttack]

Because men have trouble giving birth?

And, of course, childbirth is the only potential danger that could arise from premature sexual activity, right?

[sterlingice]

How did you "stumble" upon her journal?
You've never google'd anyone's name before?

SI

[vex]

And, of course, childbirth is the only potential danger that could arise from premature sexual activity, right?
You know what I mean. I'm just saying, that it's one of the larger concerns.

[sterlingice]

And, of course, childbirth is the only potential danger that could arise from premature sexual activity, right? Nah, but if you look at the pile of potential dangers and the chances, it looks kindof like this (obviously numbers and issues made up):

Guys: X Issues (20%)
Girls: X Issues (20%) + Pregnant (20%)

SI

[Ksyrup]

Somebody's got a teenage daughter, I suspect.
No, 6-year old and 18-month old girls. I just prefer to limit my thought process on crises at this moment to what is the least painful way to pull a loose front tooth and changing poopy diapers, thank you.

[vex]

Nah, but if you look at the pile of potential dangers and the chances, it looks kindof like this (obviously numbers and issues made up):

Guys: X Issues (20%)
Girls: X Issues (20%) + Pregnant (20%)

SI
Reminds me of an ole' Pirate game :P

[WSUCougar]

You've never google'd anyone's name before?
Um...I have no recollection of that, senator.

[WSUCougar]

Reminds me of an ole' Pirate game :P
It's coming, dammit... :mad:

[JonInMiddleGA]

Do you trust that you have taught her right from wrong and she is just living out some sort of fantasy with her journal, or do you confront her on it and possibly breach her trust in you...Help!

You confront it, and confront it ASAP ... unless of course you're looking forward to being a young grandparent and/or dealing with the court system.

Your job isn't to be her most trusted best friend, your job is to be a parent.

You asked, that's my .02 ... and I wish you the absolute best of luck with the situation.

[BuffaloHuskey]

Can't say I have kids, so take this for what it's worth. I would confront her about the journal. If you let it go, and it is a reality and not her living out a fantasy, you will deeply regret it. She is 15, lives under your roof, so she needs to play by your rules. If she says "But Dad I didn't do anything" well you can counter that by saying "You did do something, you posted those things on the web journal." It is just as wrong to mislead as it is to actually do the deed. You also have in your back pocket the fact that you probably purchased the computer for your daughter, and have the right to restrict the use.

Either way, I view this as a cry for help/attention by your daughter. If she is into sex and drugs at 15, she probably has very poor self esteem, which will need your immediate attention. If she is not actually doing these things, there has to be some reason behind her posting the messages, and more likely than not she will start acting out on these "fantasies."

Just my 2 pennies

[wishbone]

If this has caught you completely unaware and there are not other indications that the sex and drugs are affecting her, it is probably a fantasy. Look for other indications or warning signs before you confront her. Use the journal as a source of intelligence on her activities and interests, if you blow it you may not get another one.

If you confront her, do it with more than an online diary that may or may not be true. Confront her with the other warning signs and indications of dangerous/wrong activity so that you can be very specific about what concerns you have. Then pop some popcorn and wait for the update "my dad is a lamer"

[JimmyWint]

I have trust in her, I just do not want to be one of these parents who refused to act when they had the chance. It is a very fine line at times. All I did was plug in her name to find her journal.

[Raiders Army]

I agree you confront her. It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of being a parent and trying to protect your children. It's not like you were snooping (you said stumble).

[Raiders Army]

Okay, that wasn't stumbling upon her journal. IMHO you were snooping, but you still have a responsibility to confront her. (and this doesn't have to be the angry parent thing either)

[SackAttack]

Nah, but if you look at the pile of potential dangers and the chances, it looks kindof like this (obviously numbers and issues made up):

Guys: X Issues (20%)
Girls: X Issues (20%) + Pregnant (20%)

SI

Perhaps. But has anybody ever posted here about potential sex/drug related concerns with a son? I know somebody posted about their child who has Asperger's, or something like that, but that strikes me as a little bit different than "I stumbled across my son's online journal, and it talked about sexual experiences and drug use."

I apologize if ths seems like threadjacking. I'm just honestly curious why with guys, it doesn't seem like a big enough deal to talk about, but the minute there's the possibility that Daddy's little girl might be at risk of getting pregnant, it's hand-wringing time.

Carry on.

[sterlingice]

Perhaps. But has anybody ever posted here about potential sex/drug related concerns with a son? I know somebody posted about their child who has Asperger's, or something like that, but that strikes me as a little bit different than "I stumbled across my son's online journal, and it talked about sexual experiences and drug use."

I apologize if ths seems like threadjacking. I'm just honestly curious why with guys, it doesn't seem like a big enough deal to talk about, but the minute there's the possibility that Daddy's little girl might be at risk of getting pregnant, it's hand-wringing time.

Carry on. Well, I'd venture a guess that it's because most of the posters on here are males and almost every guy was in a father/son relationship so they know how it works or at least how they perceive it works. It could also be that while father/son relationships are kindof set in stone (stern discipline and the like), father/daughter are a lot more perplexing, especially to males.

SI

[Radii]

I have an 8 year old boy. Not the same thing so I have no direct experience here.

That said, I would confront her, you're getting into a very dangerous area with an adolescent here, in a couple of areas that can seriously hurt her and change her future. I wouldn't take any chances.

Learning that the internet isn't the most secure place in the world isn't a terrible lesson either, if the primary concerns turn out to be nothing.

[JeffR]

Learning that the internet isn't the most secure place in the world isn't a terrible lesson either, if the primary concerns turn out to be nothing.

Agreed. Aside from the issue of whether she's really doing that stuff or not, there's the fact that she's posted those comments on the internet in a place that's accessible just by googling her real name. What if, a few years down the road, a prospective employer does the same search?

[Raiders Army]

I would also add that if her "fantasy" involves drug induced gang bangs, that's a good enough reason to talk to her. If her "fantasy" is making out with a boy and maybe smoking some weed that may not be as bad.

Since you haven't gone into any detail (justifiably so) on the content, I'd weigh it in whether you should talk to her or not.

[oliegirl]

I have trust in her, I just do not want to be one of these parents who refused to act when they had the chance. It is a very fine line at times. All I did was plug in her name to find her journal.

When you say you plugged in the name, did she tell you the site where she has a journal, or did you just google her name?

I definitely think you should talk to her, but talk, don't confront. If you feel you breached a trust, apologize, but then make it clear that what you found and the situation she might have gotten herself in is far more important and serious than the fact that you may have breached a trust. At 15, I can't say that I think you did anything wrong as a parent, but if I were 15 and my parents read my online journal, I'd be mad. However, unless it's password protected it's public property and anyone in the world with an internet connection can find it.

If word gets out in school that she is "that kind of girl", she could end up in a very bad sitation. Good luck!

[JasonC23]

Agreed. Aside from the issue of whether she's really doing that stuff or not, there's the fact that she's posted those comments on the internet in a place that's accessible just by googling her real name. What if, a few years down the road, a prospective employer does the same search?
Actually, this gives you an out--who says you have to reveal it was you that found the journal online? Sounds like anybody could.

(Yes, I know, lying isn't the best way to get a discussion about honesty going, but if it could help keep the conversation on what she's written, instead of how you found it, maybe it would help?)

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

Talk to her.

If she's telling the truth in this journal I think you need to speak to her about guys her age, etc. etc. She's going to experiment with sex no matter what you say. But hopefully you can talk some sense into her so she picks the right guys.

Girls are taught that you have sex with someone you love.Therefore they assume that because a guy has sex with you, he loves you. And that's not always the case. From what I remember about boys that age, they'll take it anyway they can get it. If you can help her understand this, it will save her a lot of heartache and it might make her think twice about who she's intimate with.

If she's lying in her online journal, it's just as much an issue. Why is she lying? Is she lying to appear cool to her friends? If so, maybe she needs help understanding that true friends like you for who you are, not what you say you do.

And as far as the snooping/came across - who cares? She's 15 and a minor. You are responsible for her until she's 18. Heck if she does something illegal, you could be held liable. So don't feel bad, and don't let her make you feel bad for reading her site.

Just my $.02

[sterlingice]

Ah- see there's the mom versus the dad attitude when dealing with daughters. :D

Guys: *waffle* "Um... I'm not sure what to do"
Farrah: "Go kick some ass"

SI

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

Ah- see there's the mom versus the dad attitude when dealing with daughters. :D

Guys: *waffle* "Um... I'm not sure what to do"
Farrah: "Go kick some ass"

SI
Good thing I had a son. :D

[oliegirl]

Good thing I had a son. :D


Ha - you say that now! Just wait until he is 2nd grade and decides to "test the waters" to see how much he can get away with...at this rate Anthony will be grounded/punished until he is 18 - which is of course fine with me, will definitely help me sleep better at night :)

Edit - when are we going to see more pictures of the young'n?

[Farrah Whitworth-Rahn]

Ha - you say that now! Just wait until he is 2nd grade and decides to "test the waters" to see how much he can get away with...at this rate Anthony will be grounded/punished until he is 18 - which is of course fine with me, will definitely help me sleep better at night :)

Edit - when are we going to see more pictures of the young'n? Oh, I'm ready for it. I'm going to get a t-shirt made that says "Mean Mommie"

I'm not one of those Mamma's that end up feeling guilty for punishing their kids. My job is to raise my son to be a good human being. Can't do that if I'm going back on all my punishments because I feel bad.

Edit - oliegirl I posted his Halloween pic in the kids picture thread. I should have some more soon though. He's two months old today. :)

[CraigSca]

My wife has already told me that she will be reading my daughter's diary (she's currently 4) all through high school. While I think that's a little extreme, my wife has been has been there, and done that, so I trust her instincts.

As far as your particular situation, you NEED to talk to her. It's your job to be a parent, not a best friend. She may hate you now, but years from now she'll appreciate and understand that you cared.

[Ksyrup]

Never go back on your punishments, I agree. But you'll find it more difficult than you can imagine right now to punish your kid. I do it, but it's not so easy. Especially since our 6-year old is clearly daddy's little girl and mommy is the meanie. My wife always gets pissed because she feels like she's the one who is always doing the punishing. I'm at work from 7am to 7pm, though - what am I supposed to do, email punishment to her?

[Ryche]

If you just googled your daughter's name and came up with her journal describing activities with sex and drugs, that needs to be handled asap just for safety reasons if nothing else. You definitely don't want that attached to your daughter's name where anyone can access it.

[Glengoyne]

I have trust in her, I just do not want to be one of these parents who refused to act when they had the chance. It is a very fine line at times. All I did was plug in her name to find her journal. Cool, what's her name?http://dynamic.gamespy.com/%7Efof/forums/images/smilies/wink.gif

and I can't believe no one has asked for Pix yet.

Oh on a serious note....Call her on it. Doesn't matter how you found it, you need to deal with it. The sooner the better.

[MizzouRah]

I have two daughters and I would definitly confront her about it... with my wife. That's a serious issue, imo.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'm not one of those Mamma's that end up feeling guilty for punishing their kids. My job is to raise my son to be a good human being. Can't do that if I'm going back on all my punishments because I feel bad.

Bravo ... although I'd feel really dishonest right now if I didn't tell you that it's often harder on you than it is on them. (can ya tell my afternoon/evening has really sucked today?)

And wow ... two months has really flown by (or at least it has to me, YMMV)

--------------
And just to avoid a dola -- re:boys vs girls -- I've got a son, albeit not yet a teen. My advice/answer would have been exactly the same either way.

[Tom E]

PIX

[Airhog]

I think you should post the link to the journal here, so we can all make a better judgement on how you should handle it.

[Rizon]

It could be worse. I knew someone who went through her nieces phone text messages and found a bunch of girls sharing their BJ techniques.

Oh, and they were aged 10-12.

[Glengoyne]

It could be worse. I knew someone who went through her nieces phone text messages and found a bunch of girls sharing their BJ techniques.

Oh, and they were aged 10-12.
I guess you grow up fast in Antarctica

[Logan]

I guess you grow up fast in Antarctica

What the hell else are they gonna do?

[st.cronin]

When it's that cold out, isn't there a danger of the tongue freezing to the pole?

[Izulde]

I'm afraid I can't give advice on this one. Hits a little too close to home for me.

[sterlingice]

When it's that cold out, isn't there a danger of the tongue freezing to the pole?
Zing!

SI

[DeToxRox]

This probably isn't going to help ease your pain .. But I was 15 five years ago and my god did I have fun in high school.

[Leonidas]

IMO, anything online = public information

You are now cleared .to confront the girl as you see fit without remorse or burden on your conscience.

[Telle]

I'd say, at the very least it's time to have another talk with her about sex, alcohol, drugs, all that fun stuff. If she asks why you're bringing it up, add another little talk about the wonders of Google and how you should never put anything up on the web that you don't want someone finding.

[DanGarion]

Okay, that wasn't stumbling upon her journal. IMHO you were snooping, but you still have a responsibility to confront her. (and this doesn't have to be the angry parent thing either)
And as a parent he's has a responsibility to snoop.

[MrBigglesworth]

This guy just discovered the ultimate intel tool on his daughter and you want to confront her about it and lost the intel? Not what I would suggest.

I see three different moralities here:

1) Your daughter deserves 100% privacy, you shouldn't read anything she doesn't know you are reading. If you believed this, you wouldn't of read it in the first place. So that brings up:

2) She is your minor daughter, so everything she has is yours.

3) Internet is public domain. Even if she doesn't know you are reading it, she should know you could read it.

So I think you should keep your knowledge of the site secrety from your daughter. If there is something in there major enough for you to confront her about, confront her about it in a way that doesn't give up your source. The source will be much more valuable in the long run than just what she writes when she is 15.