Chuck Norris

[Noop]

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

2. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

4. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

5. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

9. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

11. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

13. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.

14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.


15. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

16. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

17. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris -robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

18. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"

19. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.

20. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"

21. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

22. When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

23. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

24. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

25. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

[Karlifornia]

26.If you post stuff about Chuck Norris that's already been posted, Chuck Norris will roundhouse you.

[Noop]

Oh link me to the thread so I can delete this...

[Noop]

Here are some more Chuck Norris facts:

1. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

2. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

3. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

4. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

5. Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom,
"Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident
with one of the Olsen triplets.

6. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

7. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate an Indian.

8. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

9. Chuck Norris once saw a “DO NOT WALK ON THE GRASS” sign. He stared at the grass until it burst into flames then said, “Chuck Norris walks where
he wants.”

10. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
worst mistake anyone has ever made.

11. If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will
appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck
Norris.

12. When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small
Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck
Norris isn't afraid of small children.

[Noop]

A few more facts:

1. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

2. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

3. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

4. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch

5. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

6. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

7. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

8. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

9. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

10. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

11. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

12. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

14. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

15. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

16. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

17. Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

18. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

19. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

20. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Although I've seen some of these before, there are others that I haven't seen. I am 100% against the idea of Noop deleting threads anyway, so I hope this stays here.

[st.cronin]

Isn't 19. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

contradicted by

2. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

?

[DaddyTorgo]

woot. good quality fun! is there a website somewhere or something? cuz there are hilarious.

[gottimd]

I wonder if they have Mr. T things like this?

[SirFozzie]

Isn't

contradicted by



?


The fact that I just removed your quote somehow is funny.

but he tea-bagged Hitler.. apparently he didn't want to potatosack him instead.

[SirFozzie]

woot. good quality fun! is there a website somewhere or something? cuz there are hilarious.

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

[Anthony]

Mr. T (http://www.deanhouston.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=275)

[Neuqua]

Reading this with a mental image of Norris makes them 10x funnier.

[Grammaticus]

My personal favorite:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

[gottimd]

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.

A break in the space-time continuum occurred on July 9th, 1986. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a guy into Mr. T while he was pitying some fool. Mr. T and Chuck Norris had words (better known as jibba jabba). Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T at the exact moment Mr. T punched him in the chest. The result was an alternate universe where Mr. T roundhouse kicks people and Chuck Norris pities fools.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

[Noop]

LOL

[Maple Leafs]

"In the year 2000, fools will come to my house to ask me to stop pitying them. But I will not be home, and it will be raining outside. So I will continue to pity them."

[Qwikshot]

I have been laughing all day at the office to these...

[Toddzilla]

Wade Boggs once drank 24 beers on an cross country flight. Chuck Norris once drank 72 beers in an hour before a cross country flight, belched, and got the plane to its destination 4 hours early.

[FrogMan]

Reading this with a mental image of Norris makes them 10x funnier.
and even funnier when you come accross an infomercial of one of his exercising product and he's next to Christie Brinkley (or at least she looks like her)... Plenty of these facts come to mind immediately :D

FM

[GrantDawg]

Too good. I can't breathe.

[sterlingice]

http://www.4q.cc/vin/

I was pointed to this one about a year ago

SI

[dacman]

Mr. T is capable of spontaneously creating life. Once, while flexing, parts of each of his biceps broke off and created Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman.

LMAO

[I. J. Reilly]

http://www.4q.cc/vin/

SI
Crop circles are Vin Diesel's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

I need a ruling on this one, I've been laughing for ten minutes now and I have no idea why. Is this actually funny?

[ISiddiqui]

LOL! This thread is the funniest I've read in quite a looong while.

[MrBug708]

Damn straight! This thread kicks ass!

[panerd]

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium
.

I can't explain why but I laugh out loud every time I re-read these two.

[st.cronin]

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

[SirFozzie]

The Big Bang occured when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God.

[ISiddiqui]

My favorite is:

"Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ---- with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf."

[hukarez]

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirtyDefinitely have to bookmark this bad boy.

[MrBug708]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

[st.cronin]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

But Chuck Norris does not sleep. Chuck Norris waits.

[Logan]

One of my favorites:

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Mr. T isn't black. The sun is just afraid to shine on him.

http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/52/me_and_t_2.jpg

[Mantle2600]

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

[sterlingice]

http://img16.imageshack.us/img16/52/me_and_t_2.jpgI think this is now my favorite Pumpy pic, taking over for the Cereal Killer shirt.

SI

[Mantle2600]

When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

[Rich1033]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Sorry if some are repeats.

[FrogMan]

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

that one is my new favorite :D

FM

[Grammaticus]

While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.


Okay, this now my new favorite. I don't think anything will ever beat that one.

[timmae]

brilliant... we now need a pumpy pic with chuck norris..

[scasmflop]

These are hilarious... and bring back a lot of memories. In school we had a running Norris schtick that was very similar.

"Invasion USA isn't just a movie, its a documentary to the world that America is impregnable because of chuck."

[Lorena]

Great read when you're drunk!! OMG, I can't stop laughing!!

[cthomer5000]

happy new year, chuck!

[cartman]

happy new year, chuck!

you are just asking for a roundhouse kick to the head, taunting him like that. He knows no other kind of new year than a happy one.

[Noop]

Chuck Norris round house kicked to Miami Hurricane players.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Chuck Norris sacked David Carr. Wait a second. I think I've actually sacked David Carr at least twice.

[Lorena]

These are so freaking great! I'm gonna have to bookmark it. My favorite is:

"When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down."

[SirFozzie]

My favorite(s):

There were Four Wise Men in Bethlehem. The fourth was Chuck Norris, who gave Baby Jesus the gift of "Beard", which Jesus proudly wore all his remaining days. The other three wise men, jealous of the gift, conspired to get Chuck Norris written out of the bible. They died weeks later in unexplained roundhouse kick attacks.

And..

"Behind Chuck Norris's Beard is another fist"

[Hurst2112]

The creators of the Apprentice asked Chuck Norris to be the host/star of the show. They promptly begged him to leave when he insisted that his catch phrase be 'You're Dead'. Chuck Norris agreed to relinquish the role to Trump only after he forced doctors into submission and willed them to transplant his beard hair onto Don's head. He then roundhouse'd the doctor and production staff to death.

[Anthony]

A NEW GENERATION GETS BIG KICK OUT OF CHUCK NORRIS

By PAUL FARHI
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.nypost.com/photos/ent01032006037b.jpg
Chuck Norris
Photo: WireImage

January 3, 2006 -- CHUCK Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.
Chuck Norris does not fade away. By all rights he should have, by now. "Walker, Texas Ranger," his butt-kicking law-and-order TV series, finished its run on CBS in May 2001, after eight years and 203 episodes. And that should have been that for the great Stoneface, outside of the endless cable reruns, the Total Gym infomercials and the occasional late-night rebroadcast of one of his '80s-era chop-socky movies ("Lone Wolf McQuade," "Missing in Action," etc.).
But Chuck Norris, or maybe just Chuck Mania, endures.
The 65-year-old martial-arts master is the object of a kind of sardonic cult veneration. Conan O'Brien, on his late-night show, has been airing vintage "Walker" clips for months. Collegehumor.com, a Web site popular among the dorm set, regularly links to all things Norris.
Most intriguing, and certainly most amusing, has been the grass-fire spread of Chuck Norris "facts," a series of Paul Bunyanesque exaggerations riffing on (and amplifying) the Legend of Chuck. Such as: Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
While hardly an unbiased source, Jeff Duclos, who has been Norris' publicist since the last season of "Walker," chalks up Chuck Mania to Norris' "consistent persona."
"There are very few people who have projected that kind of image, that kind of mythical heroism," he says.
Young people seem to be the driving force behind Norris nostalgia. The most frequent visitors to the Chuck Norris Fact Generator (www.4q.cc/chuck/), a daily offering of Chuck "facts," are college students and military personnel, according to Ian Spector, the site's co-founder.
Spector, 17, a Brown University freshman from Long Island, started a "fact" site for the actor Vin Diesel in April and joined forces with another Web designer, Mike Lelli, to launch the Norris site a month later. After some slow going, things have picked up: The Norris generator got 18 million of its 28.7 million hits in the past month, Spector reports. He has now collected some 8,000 Norris "facts" from visitors and plans to produce a book and a calendar.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
As for the Internet "facts," Norris hasn't seen those yet, says Duclos.
Probably just as well. You wouldn't want to upset Chuck Norris.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

[Chas in Cinti]

My new favorite:

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Regards,
Chas

[DanGarion]

The man speaks about the Facts!

http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

[panerd]

My new favorite...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

[dacman]

I'm very proud of these literary efforts. ~ Chuck Norris

By "proud" he means "stoked," by "literary efforts" he means "heads removed by roundhouse kicks."

[gottimd]

I wonder what happens if you enter a bookstore and leave without his book?

[DanGarion]

http://www.bustedtees.com/in/btnews/hero

[JeeberD]

http://myspace-451.vo.llnwd.net/00312/15/49/312789451_m.gif

[Neon_Chaos]

More Chuck Facts!

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.


Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.


There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.


Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.


An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.


Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.


Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.


Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.


Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.


Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.


Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.


Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.


Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.


The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.


Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."


If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.


Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.


The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.


Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.


The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.


Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.


Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.


The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.


Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.


Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.


There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.


A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are:
1:Heart disease
2:Chuck Norris
3:Cancer


It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.


Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.


Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.


Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.


Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.


Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.


The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.


Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.


4 out of 5 doctors agree: They don't wan't to meet Chuck Norris in a dark alley when he is in a bad mood. The fifth doctor has nothing to live for.


Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.


As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.


When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.


Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.


There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.


A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.


In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.


Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.


Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.


Chuck Norris likes cherry chewing gum. He spits the used-up red wads to Jupiter, where they've been accumulating.


For undercover police work, Chuck pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.


In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.


We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.


It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.


Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually Email a roundhouse kick.


Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.


Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"


Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


Chuck Norris began advertising for the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.


Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.


'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.


Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.


When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.


According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.


Chuck norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.


In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.


Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.


When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.


In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.


Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.


Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's fucking head off.


Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."


Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.


It was Chuck Norris who killed Col. Mustard, in the Library, with a roundhouse kick to the head. If anyone tells you different, they're a damn liar.


Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.


A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.


Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them.


Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.


When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.


Chuck Norris can turn normal water into holy water by beating the hell out of it with his fists.


Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.


Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.


A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.


Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.


They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.


Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.


Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.


When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.


Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.


Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.


Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.


Chuck Norris once shot a spitball, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.


In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.


Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.


According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.


Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.


According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

[ISiddiqui]

Got this from one of these Chuck sites:

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

[Rockstar]

Chuck Norris created himself. Then God changed his own image.

[Airhog]

Theres no such thing as spontaneous combustion. Just people who thought chuck was going to round house them

[DanGarion]

hxxp://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=QP1PuB1R-Xw
Tony Danza talks to Chuck Norris about his feats!

[cuervo72]

I think you meen his "feets", the ones that roundhouse kicked Tony Danza back to Italy (and had such force, it rewrote the historical facts behind Danza's birth).

[Rockstar]

Chuck Norris broke all of Dean Houstons lifetime FOF records. In one game.
Then he broke Deans Ribs with a roundhouse kick.

[timmae]

Jeeber was not put in the penalty box by Skydog, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him into a stupor from across the continent when Chuck realized that Jeeber was approaching 1/1,000 of Chuck's post count. Jeeber will awake and will not have any recollection of this kick, nor of Chuck.

[Logan]

Sorry, but Chuck Norris has been beat:

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

[ShovelMonkey]

Did anyone see the bit on SNL last night: "Young Chuck Norris"? And he kicked and punched and he punched and he kicked....

The part where he takes out the thief stealing the lady's purse in the park is great...he hands back the purse and then roundhouse kicks her...

[Maple Leafs]

Did anyone see the bit on SNL last night: "Young Chuck Norris"? And he kicked and punched and he punched and he kicked....

I actually thought it was funnier than Lazy Sunday.

[Honolulu_Blue]

I actually thought it was funnier than Lazy Sunday.
Bold words. I will have to check this out.

[DanGarion]

More Chuck!

hxxp://www.youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM

[Rockstar]

Sorry, but Chuck Norris has been beat:

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer couldnt carry Chuck Norris' boot rag.

[JeeberD]

Did anyone see the bit on SNL last night: "Young Chuck Norris"? And he kicked and punched and he punched and he kicked....

The part where he takes out the thief stealing the lady's purse in the park is great...he hands back the purse and then roundhouse kicks her...

That was the only part of the song that gave me even a slight chuckle...

[gottimd]

Did anyone see the bit on SNL last night: "Young Chuck Norris"? And he kicked and punched and he punched and he kicked....

The part where he takes out the thief stealing the lady's purse in the park is great...he hands back the purse and then roundhouse kicks her...
You can find it on youtube.com if you search for "young chuck norris".

[DanGarion]

You can find it on youtube.com if you search for "young chuck norris".
Or you could just look at my last post... 4 posts up...

:rolleyes:

[gottimd]

Or you could just look at my last post... 4 posts up...

:rolleyes:
But I have my list sorted newest first, so if I look 4 posts up, there is nothing????

Go to youtube, don't look at dangarions post.:D

[DanGarion]

But I have my list sorted newest first, so if I look 4 posts up, there is nothing????

Go to youtube, don't look at dangarions post.:D
Then look 4 posts down... :rolleyes:

[gottimd]

Then look 4 posts down... :rolleyes:
I have a serious neck injury that only allows me to look up.:rolleyes:

[DanGarion]

I have a serious neck injury that only allows me to look up.:rolleyes:
Here this will help then... ;)

hxxp://www.youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM

[gottimd]

I'm blind too

[Chas in Cinti]

OH... then...

bump... dash... dot... bumpbumpbump... dash... dot...

oh screw it... it aint that funny... :)

[gottimd]

OH... then...

bump... dash... dot... bumpbumpbump... dash... dot...

oh screw it... it aint that funny... :)
ahhhh, now I feel it, thanks Chas!

[ibnsgirl]

I thought of this thread today...

I was watching The Price is Right while waiting for the maintainence guys for the apartment to show up, and Bob Barker related a story he had started telling the audience during the commercial break.

According to Bob, he was taking karate lessons from Chuck Norris. One day, Norris kicked Bob in the ribs on his right side. Bob said it start hurting, but he went continued the lesson. A few days later, Bob was working with Norris' brother and got kicked in his left ribs. After a few more days of pain, Bob went to the doctor.

Bob Barker: "Doctor, my ribs are really hurting."

Bob Barker's Doctor, after looking at X-rays: "Well yeah, you have two fractured ribs on both your right and left sides."

Later, Bob called his mom and told her about his injuries.

Bob Barker's mother: "I don't think that you should play with those Norris boys anymore."


This has to be the truth; Bob Barker wouldn't lie! And I can't make stuff like this up!

So does this mean that Bob is greater than Chuck Norris because he survived an attack?!?!

[SirFozzie]

No..

Just that Chuck Norris took it easy on Bob Barker.

[3ric]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/, complete with T-shirts saying "Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people."

[DanGarion]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Now sells official Chuck Norris shirts.

As reported here hxxp://www.boingboing.net/2006/02/09/chuck_norris_proves_.html

[Karlifornia]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com


They're selling T-Shirts now or something.....

[gottimd]

Some of these are really funny, and I think I read it somewhere that you can get these facts on a t-shirt.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

[DanGarion]

Yes but now they have been officially endorsed by him.

[DaddyTorgo]

Chuck Norris doesn't cry. What we see is simply the tears fleeing in fear of him

[Bearcat729]

hxxp://tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=590

T Shirt Hell has their own Chuck Norris T Shirt

[condors]

we are talking about the ugly dude that got his ass kicked by Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon if i remember correctly right? ;)

[Wolfpack]

No, actually, not that one. Another bearded white dude got killed by Bruce Lee in "Enter the Dragon". However, Bruce Lee did beat Chuck in another of his movies, but I can't remember which one off the top of my head.

[TazFTW]

It was Way of the Dragon or the US name of the film is Return of the Dragon.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Would you guys happen to know a place from which I could order a Chuck Norris t-shirt?

[dontreadthis]

Chuck Norris can land a good transfer from another school in BBCF.

[colt45]

I would like to wish all here on the board a Happy Chuck Norris's Birthday.

[TazFTW]

Kornheiser was really pimping Chuck Norris on PTI today.

[Easy Mac]

My favorite:
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

[Easy Mac]

I would like to wish all here on the board a Happy Chuck Norris's Birthday.Chuck Norris doesn't get older, you just get closer to death.

[Toddzilla]

I heard Chuck Norris got Maximum Football to work correctly.

[cartman]

I heard Chuck Norris got Maximum Football to work correctly.

After Chuck got through with the game, it even handles soccer better than Football Manager.

[Bearcat729]

Chuck Norris invented wormholes for the sole purpose of roundhouse kicking Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler at the same time.

[JPhillips]

Chuck Norris = Maximum Customizability

Kicks to the face

or

Punches to the face

[Fonzie]

I would like to wish all here on the board a Happy Chuck Norris's Birthday.

I can't believe he's 66.

[JeeberD]

Chuck Norris invented wormholes for the sole purpose of roundhouse kicking Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler at the same time.

It's The Ultimate Showdown...

hxxp://media.putfile.com/ultimateshowdown

[Lorena]

"They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard".

[Kodos]

My wife alerted me to this:

hxxp://the-isb.blogspot.com/2007/04/behold-hidden-gusset.html

[Dodgerchick]

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Chuck Norris's nutsack.

[Dodgerchick]

- When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

- If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down

- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Oh shit, I'm dying here.. these are great.

[Dodgerchick]

I heard Chuck Norris got Maximum Football to work correctly.

ajajajajahahahahah :D :D

[Dodgerchick]

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

[hoopsguy]

"They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard".

No longer an issue?
A Requiem for Chuck Norris’s Beard | Movie Talk - Yahoo! Movies (http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/requiem-chuck-norris-beard-234554988.html)

[cartman]

I guess that is why the Large Hadron Collider is offline for 18 months. It was the only thing able to generate enough power to remove Chuck's beard.

[JediKooter]

Chuck is 73, but, his beard is immortal.

[Matthean]

There's an instant endorsement deal.