Jon Carroll's Xmas Quiz

[Bad-example]

This quiz appeared today in the SF Chronicle (and on their website at www.sfgate.com). Answers will be printed on Thursday.

1) Here's a meal -- four bacon squares, three sugar cookies, peaches, pineapple-grapefruit drink, coffee. What is the significance of that toothsome repast?

2) King Harald Bluetooth was a) The winner of the 2005 Westminster Dog Show, b) the man who brought Christianity to Denmark, c) the rabbitlike creature who promoted Bluetooth wireless technology in a famous series of trade ads, d) the feared conqueror of the Norwegian King Erik Blood Axe, f) the jokey name given to an anomalous set of human remains found in the Olduvai Gorge.

3) Here are two amusing words: "floccillation" and "carphology." What do they have in common?

4) The wiffletree, flurry filter, wear compensator, interposer and golf ball are all parts of what?

5) U.S. Highway 395 and U.S. 50 both originate in California. What other more remarkable characteristic do they share?

6) Here are some countries: Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Khalikistan, Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan. Which extends farthest west? Which extends farthest east? Which one contains the legendary city of Samarkand? Which one borders the mysterious Tian Shan mountains? Which one is north of Tibet?

7) Blue Bird, Thomas, Carpenter, Crown, Ward, Superior, Genesis, Wayne, Corbiel, Girardin and Collins -- what do they have in common?

8) Which of the following is not a quotation from Shakespeare? a) "It is a foolish thing to make a long prologue, and to be short in the story itself." b) "The wren goes to 't, and the small gilded fly does lecher in my sight. Let copulation thrive." c) "Haste still pays haste, and leisure answers leisure, like doth quit like, and measure still for measure." d) "Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon." e) "Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday."

9) If Prince Charles ascended to the throne, and chose to keep the name Charles, what number Charles would he be? There are rumors that Charles is thinking of becoming King George instead; why ever would he do that?

10) "Dendrochronology" is the science of studying what? "Mogigraphia" is the disorder more commonly known as what?

11) Each of these people is better known by his nickname. Name the nicknames. Wilmer David Mizell; Mordecai Peter Centennial Brown; Clement John Dreisewerd; Walter Perry Johnson; Harold Henry Reese.

12) In the musical group Salt-N-Pepa, who was Salt and who was Pepa? What was Biggie Smalls' real name? What is Little Richard's real name? What was Little Eva's real name? What is Jerry Lee Lewis' real name?

13) Cast your mind back a mere 15 years, to 1990. What movie won the Academy Award for best picture? Who won the best actor Oscar? Best actress? Best supporting actor? Best supporting actress? Hint: None of these performers was in the movie that won best picture, indeed no movie appears more than once in this list.

14) You remember those Peloponnesian Wars. Who was fighting? Who won? And what the heck are the Peloponnesians?

15) Match the composers and the operas: Rossini, Bellini, Donizetti, Verdi, Puccini; "The Barber of Seville," "Tosca," "Norma," "Lucia di Lammermoor," "Rigoletto."

16) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what is it?

17) The merry-go-round was invented a) as a public yet private place in which to carry on courtship, b) as part of an overall French amusement called a "cavalcade" -- directly after the merry-go-round, participants were required to run a maze, c) as a device for mimicking seasickness, d) as a less dangerous alternative to jousting, e) as a diversion for the children of workers trapped in coal mines.

18) Where is Far Tortuga? Where is the Sea of Cortez? Where is the Sargasso Sea? Where is the Spanish Main? How many men were sitting on a dead man's chest, and how many bottles of rum did they have?

[st.cronin]

Fine, you win, I'm an idiot.

[Karlifornia]

Fine, you win, I'm an idiot.


LOL. I echo this sentiment.

[tanglewood]

I can answer fully three questions, and am very satisfied with that thank-you-very-much.

[st.cronin]

I know the answers to a few questions. I'm actually reading Thucydides History of the Pelopenesian War, so I'm all over that question.

[JeeberD]

I know #16 all too well. Damn soundtrack at work...

[JonInMiddleGA]

11) Each of these people is better known by his nickname. Name the nicknames. Wilmer David Mizell; Mordecai Peter Centennial Brown; Clement John Dreisewerd; Walter Perry Johnson; Harold Henry Reese.

That's Vinegar Bend Mizell, Three Finger Brown, Steamboat Dreisewerd, Big Train Johnson & Pee Wee Reese.

Only problem is that I haven't the foggiest idea how Dreisewerd fits into that, he was a journeyman pitcher in the late 40's & is pretty obscure, to the point of being better known for writing a book about his wife's support of his career called The Catcher Was A Lady than for anything he did in the majors.

[Shkspr]

"It is a foolish thing to make a long prologue, and to be short in the story itself" isn't Shakespeare. Dunno what it is, but it ain't SHakespeare.

[JonInMiddleGA]

"It is a foolish thing to make a long prologue, and to be short in the story itself" isn't Shakespeare. Dunno what it is, but it ain't SHakespeare.

Heh, I just found the source & wouldn't have guessed it in a million years ... or even in an eternity.

[Julio Riddols]

This quiz appeared today in the SF Chronicle (and on their website at www.sfgate.com). Answers will be printed on Thursday.

1) Here's a meal -- four bacon squares, three sugar cookies, peaches, pineapple-grapefruit drink, coffee. What is the significance of that toothsome repast?

Well it's obvious that there is very little chance that in fact the significance of that "toothsome repast" is that all of these food and drink items are made from real ingredients. I mean, come on. A simpleton could deduce this.

2) King Harald Bluetooth was a) The winner of the 2005 Westminster Dog Show, b) the man who brought Christianity to Denmark, c) the rabbitlike creature who promoted Bluetooth wireless technology in a famous series of trade ads, d) the feared conqueror of the Norwegian King Erik Blood Axe, f) the jokey name given to an anomalous set of human remains found in the Olduvai Gorge.

King Harald Bluetooth was in fact B, as described in his biography, "Santa Goes to Denmark", in which there is also a detailed description of how he came to have a large boil on his scrotum. Amusing to say the least.

3) Here are two amusing words: "floccillation" and "carphology." What do they have in common?

They both have exactly one A. But that should have been obvious to you all by now.. What you may not have known is that they both are 4 SYLLABLES LONG.

4) The wiffletree, flurry filter, wear compensator, interposer and golf ball are all parts of what?

These are all parts of "The Sadomasochists Top 10 List of Things Not To Be Without". The flurry filter is for snowballing. I'll not bore you with my uncannily correct descriptions of the other items listed here.

5) U.S. Highway 395 and U.S. 50 both originate in California. What other more remarkable characteristic do they share?

These highways are both made from people. Seriously.

6) Here are some countries: Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Khalikistan, Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan. Which extends farthest west? Which extends farthest east? Which one contains the legendary city of Samarkand? Which one borders the mysterious Tian Shan mountains? Which one is north of Tibet?

Farthest West: Turkmenistan is nearly 6 meters further West than Uzbekistan, which is the birthplace of the synthetic sex pheromone совокуплятьсясок, or "Fuck Juice".

East?: Khalistan. (Khalikistan) This is hinted in the spelling, as it is closer to California than any of the other countries listed.

Samarkand can be found in Turkmenistan. Coincidentally, it is the real life version of Zanarkand, another "city of legend".

Kyrgyzstan borders the mountain range known as the Tian Shan. The mysteriousness of this particular range, however, is mostly due to the ravings of a nomadic tribe (The Tian Shan Clan) who lives in the foothills of the Eastern side of the range. There is a widely accepted belief within the tribe that "He who smelt it dealt it".. But the real source of the mystery, who actually did smell it, is heretofore unknown, even to the elders of the tribe.

North of Tibet lies Kazakhstan, the most boring country ever.

7) Blue Bird, Thomas, Carpenter, Crown, Ward, Superior, Genesis, Wayne, Corbiel, Girardin and Collins -- what do they have in common?

These are all bus manufacturers.

8) Which of the following is not a quotation from Shakespeare? a) "It is a foolish thing to make a long prologue, and to be short in the story itself." b) "The wren goes to 't, and the small gilded fly does lecher in my sight. Let copulation thrive." c) "Haste still pays haste, and leisure answers leisure, like doth quit like, and measure still for measure." d) "Diana's foresters, gentlemen of the shade, minions of the moon." e) "Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday."

The "Unshakespearian" quote is, in fact C. Any scholar worth his salt would know that each of the other four quotes is way better, so a simple matter of deduction leaves us with an easy answer, in spite of its cute but unconvincing rhyme scheme.

9) If Prince Charles ascended to the throne, and chose to keep the name Charles, what number Charles would he be? There are rumors that Charles is thinking of becoming King George instead; why ever would he do that?

Prince Ears would be the third Charles to rule England if he were to accept that title.. But, as it should be common knowledge to anyone with half a brain, 7 is a lucky number, and if Charles were to become George, he would be the 7th to go by that name. Also of significance is the fact that George is the current surname of the subject of this very question.

10) "Dendrochronology" is the science of studying what? "Mogigraphia" is the disorder more commonly known as what?

Dendrochronology is the science of studying wood.

Mogigraphia is a hand cramp.

Some mornings, I wake up a Dendrochronologist, and go back to bed with Mogigraphia.

11) Each of these people is better known by his nickname. Name the nicknames. Wilmer David Mizell; Mordecai Peter Centennial Brown; Clement John Dreisewerd; Walter Perry Johnson; Harold Henry Reese.

This question was previously answered, but something that may not be known is that the book "The Catcher Was a Lady" was written by Clement John Drieseward as an answer to the suspicion at the time that he was a bit of a cake eater.

12) In the musical group Salt-N-Pepa, who was Salt and who was Pepa? What was Biggie Smalls' real name? What is Little Richard's real name? What was Little Eva's real name? What is Jerry Lee Lewis' real name?

Salt was obviously the white one, Pepa was obviously black.

Biggie Smalls real name was Christopher Wallace, which was a homage to Christopher Columbus and William Wallace.

Little Richard:Little Eva as Richard Wayne Penniman:Eva Narcissus Boyd. Duh.

Jerry Lee Lewis's real name, contrary to popular belief, was Captain Stabbin. He was born on a pirate ship holding his tongue.

13) Cast your mind back a mere 15 years, to 1990. What movie won the Academy Award for best picture? Who won the best actor Oscar? Best actress? Best supporting actor? Best supporting actress? Hint: None of these performers was in the movie that won best picture, indeed no movie appears more than once in this list.

Being the scholar that I am, I haven't the time nor the patience to watch films anymore, as they have become more and more a poison for the mind rather than a welcome respite from harsh reality as they were in the mid 80's. Thusly, I haven't the dilapidated brain, nor the "pop culture" knowledge that this answer requires.

14) You remember those Peloponnesian Wars. Who was fighting? Who won? And what the heck are the Peloponnesians?

This, much like the famed liar Dr. Seuss' accounts of the Butter Battle of 1984 (Which was reported to have started when Yertle the Turtle told everyone about the Wocket in His Pocket) is a greatly exaggerated myth, which was perpetuated by the many wives of Hitler.

15) Match the composers and the operas: Rossini, Bellini, Donizetti, Verdi, Puccini; "The Barber of Seville," "Tosca," "Norma," "Lucia di Lammermoor," "Rigoletto."

Rossini: Barber of Seville (Shit was tight as fuck)
Bellini: Norma (Overrated crapfest)
Donizetti: Lucia De Lammermoor (Haven't seen it, heard it was decent)
Verdi: Rigoletto (Weak story, but great special effects)
Puccini: Tosca (100% pure ass)

16) When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what is it?

The logical answer here is to say that the cheeselike surface of the moon makes people hungry for Pizza, which means that When the moon hits your eye, its time for Dominos. Preferably double 12's.

17) The merry-go-round was invented a) as a public yet private place in which to carry on courtship, b) as part of an overall French amusement called a "cavalcade" -- directly after the merry-go-round, participants were required to run a maze, c) as a device for mimicking seasickness, d) as a less dangerous alternative to jousting, e) as a diversion for the children of workers trapped in coal mines.

While most people like to play a game of genital tag on the Merry-go-Round (which is also where the idea of a "circle-jerk" was originated) It was first invented for deviant fools who couldn't learn to make love on horseback, which was also called Jousting. With this invention, it became possible to ride in a more controlled environment, and facilitated the first sexual revolution when men and women would regularly "ride barebacked".

18) Where is Far Tortuga? Where is the Sea of Cortez? Where is the Sargasso Sea? Where is the Spanish Main? How many men were sitting on a dead man's chest, and how many bottles of rum did they have?

I'll leave this one for the rest of you to figure out, as the depth and breadth
of my incredible mind has been made evident by now.

As far as how many men were on a dead man's chest, however- I implore you to consider that there are far too many variables in this equation to truly come up with a factual answer. So, in short, don't waste your time with questions of whether the body is on a table or the ground, whether it has not suffered, is suffering, or has completed what is commonly known as rigor mortis, (I call it "Dead man cramps") etc.. There is simply no justification for wasting such time on such a trivial and ineffectual thing when you could be doing something much more worthwhile.

[Blade6119]

Wow, i cant believe you spent that much time for one massive joke...i know about 6-7 of the real answers and you arent even close....the only one your were cloe on was dendrochronology, which you said was the study of wood....it is in fact the study of tree rings to better undstand the climate changes over time...

[KWhit]

Funny stuff, Julio.

I never knew that Jerry Lee Lewis's real name was Captain Stabbin. You learn something new every day.

[Julio Riddols]

It was a colossal waste of time, but in the name of self amusement and in self recognition of my lack of "a life", I decided to research the answers and still give the wrong ones as a joke.. Hey, it's my prerogative.

and 7,9,12,15, and 17 are at least partly right, if not totally... Or else the internet is lying.

[Bad-example]

Answers:

1) It's the first meal eaten by a human on the moon.

2) The answers are both (b) and (d). Bluetooth ruled Denmark in the 10th century, and he conquered Norway because its king had been very mean to his sister.

3) The two words mean the same thing: "delirious picking of bedclothes, as in a fever."

4) The whiffletree, flurry filter, wear compensator, interposer and golf ball are all parts of an IBM Selectric typewriter, a device for recording words and thoughts used by many historical figures.

5) U.S. Highway 395 goes from California through Nevada and then back to California. U.S. Highway 50 goes from Maryland to West Virginia and then back to Maryland. They are the only two U.S. highways that re-enter a state.

6) Kazakhstan extends both the farthest east, where it borders on China, and west, where it borders on the Caspian Sea. The legendary city of Samarkand lies within Uzbekistan. Both Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan border the Tian Shan mountains. All of the nations mentioned are north of Tibet -- except Khalikistan, which does not enjoy the advantage of being real.

7) They are all makes of school buses.

8) The answer is a) "Tis a foolish thing to make a long prologue, and to be short in the story itself," which is from the Second Book of the Maccabees, which is part of what is called the Deuterocanonical Apocrypha, which is a fine phrase to hurl about at your New Year's Eve party. Without getting into technical terms, the Deuterocanonical Apocrypha can be defined as "part of the Bible but not really."

9) He would be Charles III. The Charles after whom he is named, Charles I, got his head chopped off during a misunderstanding; presumably, Prince Charles does not want to plant any ideas in the minds of his subjects.

10) "Dendrochronology" is the science of the studying tree rings. "Mogigraphia" is more commonly known as writer's cramp.

11) They're all baseball players: Vinegar Bend Mizell, Three Fingers Brown, Steamboat Dreisewerd, Big Train Johnson; Pee Wee Reese. Four of those are well-known; Steamboat just had a cup of coffee in the big leagues, but I liked his name.

12) Cheryl James was Salt; Sandy Denton was Pepa. Biggie Smalls, or the Notorious B.I.G., was born Christopher Wallace. Little Richard was born Richard Wayne Penniman. Little Eva's real name was Eva Narcissus Boyd. Jerry Lee Lewis' real name is Jerry Lee Lewis.

13) Best picture was "Dances With Wolves." Best actor was Jeremy Irons in "Reversal of Fortune." Best actress was Kathy Bates in "Misery." Best supporting actor was Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas." Best supporting actress was Whoopi Goldberg in "Ghost." We pause briefly to meditate on the nature of art.

14) The Peloponnesian Wars were fought by Athens and Sparta. Sparta won, although it wasn't easy. Peloponnesia is the name for a bit of Southern Greece almost entirely cut off from the rest of the nation by the Gulf of Corinth. Sparta was located in that area, so it got to name the war.

15) "The Barber of Seville" was written by Rossini, "Tosca" was written by Puccini, "Norma" was written by Bellini, "Lucia di Lammermoor" was written by Donizetti, and "Rigoletto" was written by Verdi.

16) That's amore.

17) The merry-go-round was invented as an alternative to jousting after Catherine de Medicis' husband was killed during a tournament. Knights would sit on wooden horses and try to spear effigies of Turkish soldiers.

18) Far Tortuga is now called the Cayman Islands. The Sea of Cortez is between Baja California and the rest of Mexico. The Sargasso Sea lies between the Azores and the West Indies, and is generally coterminous with what is called the Bermuda Triangle. The Spanish Main is the sea off the Spanish Colonies in the New World. There were 16 men on that dead man's chest sharing one bottle of rum, yo ho.