Quick question - Valentine's Day Protocol

[Anthony]

i'm happily married (3 years), so my valentine is my wife. fine.

so i get an email from my mom saying

"hi
you didnt even call me to wish a happy valentines day ??
so thoughtful of you to think of me ???

nice .."

and i'm like (to myself) "uhhhhh, Valentine's day is for lovers". yes, when we're kids and don't have sexual relationships i agree our mothers/parents are our valentine's. but do i, a 28 year old man with a wife, actually need to say happy valentine's day to my mom? yes, yes, i know it's the nice thing to do. but outside of that am i in the wrong here? my mom is divorced and has been since i was like 10 or so. i understand the need for companionship and she has some dependency issues that my sister and i have been growing increasingly annoyed with. not drug dependency (perish the thought), just what i diagnosed with having a habit of putting herself in a situation where she needs to depend on my sister and i. i always say there's a way to do things where you can be independent, and there's a way to do things where you have to rely on people and by and large she hasn't developed a sense of "i'm in my late 40s now and my kids are successful and grown up - let me start thinking about myself for a change and let them enjoy their lives".

she's never found someone after my dad left, or shown a desire to find someone, and my sister and i are always left to feel guilty because she doesn't have anyone else but us and we have our significant others.

anyway - am i so wrong here or given the fact that she leans on us a bit too much is she being a bit too attached?

[rkmsuf]

send her a strip o gram next year


Oh and I would feel weird calling my mom to wish her happy valentines day.

[jeff061]

I hope not. Otherwise my mother's anger has been simmering for a day now.

[Anthony]

i'm looking more for a "yeah, you're right, she's being a bit too unreasonable here" or "you're a deadbeat son who should kiss the ground she walks on". save the comedy for jbmagic's missing edit button thread.

[rkmsuf]

you know your right.

you don't need advice from people on a stupid little message board.

[Anthony]

Oh and I would feel weird calling my mom to wish her happy valentines day.

thats' what i'm saying. not the weirdness part, more of "is this entirely necessary".

[rkmsuf]

mother's day I can see. on valentine's day she's out of luck.

[Ben E Lou]

Everyone's family dynamics are different, of course, so take this with a grain of salt: I've always had a good relationship with my parents, hearing "I love you" often from both father and mother, but I don't think I recall them wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day or me to them since I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. My mother is VERY direct (imagine that), so if that had become an expectation since my father's death 7 years ago, I most assuredly would have heard about it. :p

To me, a mother expecting a 28-year-old son to call to wish a Happy Valentine's Day is a bit much.

[Bee]

I never sent my mother anything for Valentine's until I was married. My wife practically forces me to send my mother flowers and a card every year. I don't understand the logic, but like with most things I just go along with whatever the wife wants. It makes my life much easier.

[Anthony]

you know your right.

you don't need advice from people on a stupid little message board.


i assumed i was right. not looking for advice though, more trying to take the pulse of the board.

the thing is, yeah, i could be the greatest son in the world and visit her everyday and call her all the time and all that, or i could try to establish my space and personal life from that of my mom. just trying to calibrate my actions with those of other people around the country.

[Drake]

I called my mom. She was my first valentine.

EDIT: I should specify that I call my mom because she doesn't expect it. I love my mom -- what else can I say? :)

[Honolulu_Blue]

send her a strip o gram next year
This is the best bit of advice you're going to get out of this thread, HA.

[Anthony]

Everyone's family dynamics are different, of course, so take this with a grain of salt: I've always had a good relationship with my parents, hearing "I love you" often from both father and mother, but I don't think I recall them wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day or me to them since I was maybe 10 or 11 years old. My mother is VERY direct (imagine that), so if that had become an expectation since my father's death 7 years ago, I most assuredly would have heard about it. :p

To me, a mother expecting a 28-year-old son to call to wish a Happy Valentine's Day is a bit much.


valid point. i can see if i was 28 and didn't have a wife, maybe through some weird logic she'd have a case for being my *default* valentine. but with me being married...? ok, as rksmuf and you said, i'm in the clear here. just another case of her making me feel guilty.

as i stated, i don't need advice, but it's always nice to see how others do things. like you could grow up isolated from civilized society and not ever know it's bad to murder people. it's only when you see the actions of the majority are you able to say "hey, everyone does it this way so it must mean the way i do it isn't correct or necessarily the best way".

[Flasch186]

IMO, you may be right, I may be Crazy, OH but it just may be a little comment she's looking for. It wouldnt hurt, so dont be lazy, I may be wrong, for all I know....but I may be right.

[rkmsuf]

This is the best bit of advice you're going to get out of this thread, HA.

I'd recommend an anonymous one.

[Bee]

IMO, you may be right, I may be Crazy, OH but it just may be a little comment she's looking for. It wouldnt hurt, so dont be lazy, I may be wrong, for all I know....but I may be right.

I believe somewhere in Maryland, Quiksand just exploded. :D

[oliegirl]

I agree that you are right in that you shouldn't have to call her to wish her Happy Valentine's Day, however...knowing ahead of time that she is having dependency issues, it might have been nice of you to call just to say hello and wish her a Happy Valentines Day - just because you knew she was lonely and wanted to make her smile.

[Eaglesfan27]

I love my mom and I make sure she knows it, but I did not nor would I call her on Valentine's day to wish her a happy Valentine's day. If she has dependency issues, I think you are right not to try to foster that dependency.

[Telle]

Have you ever called to wish her a happy valentine's day in the past? If she's used to you doing that and you didn't this year, then she has a point. But if this is just totally out of the blue on her part and you've never done that before, then she's just being needy and trying to make you feel guilty so that she can feel better.

[Izulde]

If I happen to be home for Valentine's Day, then I get both my parents a small gift and wish them Happy Valentine's Day and they usually do the same for me. If not though, then we just act like it's a normal day.

Like Skydog said, everyone's family is different on this.

As for your question, HA, I don't see the harm in calling her to wish her a Happy Valentine's Day. It's a small thing, takes maybe a minute or two, and really makes her day.

[Anthony]

Have you ever called to wish her a happy valentine's day in the past? If she's used to you doing that and you didn't this year, then she has a point. But if this is just totally out of the blue on her part and you've never done that before, then she's just being needy and trying to make you feel guilty so that she can feel better.

well, since i've moved out of the house to live with my wife (roughly 4 years ago) i've probably have forgot to call her or whathaveyou before. when i was living at home, yeah, i'd wish her happy valentine's day every year. i see her once a month, which is likely more times than other people see their moms and i didn't go away for college so she had me hanging around for quite a while, long after i was eager to spread the proverbial wings and be on my own. i feel i've given her more time with me than what your average mom gets (considering most people move out for college at age 18) so my willingness to pander to her is diminished.

long story short it seems - it's not the end of the world that i didn't call her and she most likely is up to her ole needy self. i don't blame her, i'm fun to be around and am great at parties.

if you want a good idea of what my mom is like - just picture Ray Romano' mom from Everybody Loves Raymond. my wife won't watch that show cuz his mom is basically my mom.

[Huckleberry]

I wish I could call my mom and wish her a Happy Valentine's Day. Of course, I can't. She died nearly 5 years ago now.

You heartless bastard.

(Yes, I'm going to hell for using my mom to make a joking devil's advocate post. That's okay, she would have just rolled her eyes.)