Rabbi needed

[Flasch186]

Alright so April 29th Ashley and I are getting married and we really wanted to have both our religions represented in front of our families but it is getting difficult so Im turning to you. I have tried the local temples but no conservative, orthodox, or Chabad rabbi will do it (which pisses me off, but that can be for another thread). The local Reformed rabbi wants me to join their congregation first for $1600, which I could understand the significance of, if they also wouldnt give me the out of simply paying the $1600 instead of joining. This would be before the fee to actually do it, so the end price would be ridiculous.

The second hurdle is we need to find someone who will work with a minister as well. A joint ceremony. We havnt begun to tackle that side because, for some reason, I think finding a minister to do it would be easier.

My chore is to find a rabbi that comes at least with minimal references and I do still have a few leads out there but I am feeling a ton of doubt about those coming through OR the rabbi who responded to our ad at Rabbis.com just seems so shady. He even tried to pressure me into signing him up today on first contact, so I feel like its more of a sales thing than an actual ceremonial thing. Plus, I would have no references at all about him.

SO what do you all suggest. I would be willing to pay for hotel for him or her plus the fee to do it...maybe even a cheap flight too, but the less confident about the references the less I want to spend on him or her. well?

[Joe]

become a rabbi yourself

http://www.ehow.com/how_138294_become-rabbi.html

[wade moore]

So let me understand this...

You're not an active member of any temple, but you're upset that a Rabbi won't do a joint ceremony with a christian minister?

From my little understanding of the Jewish faith (and it's pretty small), it seems like you're asking a lot...

[JonInMiddleGA]

Based on my very limited experiences with this (I've been to 2 Jewish/Protestant joint weddings & knew a little of the organizational details), it isn't all that easy to accomplish.

In the first case, one of my wife's friends finally found a rabbi & a priest in Atlanta who basically come as a package deal. They alternated segments of the ceremony and essentially covered all the parts they felt were relevant / neccessary.

In the other case, finding a duo was tougher. The eventual solution was to have a judge (who was also a close friend of the bride's family) perform the actual legal part of the wedding, while a not-quite-a-rabbi handled the religion specific stuff. (not sure of the correct term within the religion, he basically knew the religious parts of the ceremony & could perform them, but he was a lay person not an actual rabbi).

One other thought, don't people performing marriages still have to be recognized in some fashion by the state where the wedding is taking place? ("by the powers vested in me by the state of ...") If so, remember to be careful about recruiting from outside the state.

I wish I had better answers for you, but I wish you luck.

[cthomer5000]

I haven't followed joe's link, but one of my friends that recently got married in Virginia had one of their friends become a priest (or something). Some interenet based church, all they really had to do was fill out some paperwork and go over some stuff in Virginia with the gov and pay a one-time licensing fee or something (along the lines of $100 i think).

Personally I thought it made for a great wedding to have someone who meant so much to them (and the person who'd introduced them, for that matter) marry them.

But this was a pretty agnostic/athiest-heavy crowd, so perhaps it isn't your bag (much like writing in paragraphs isn't your bag).

[Flasch186]

So let me understand this...

You're not an active member of any temple, but you're upset that a Rabbi won't do a joint ceremony with a christian minister?

From my little understanding of the Jewish faith (and it's pretty small), it seems like you're asking a lot...

good point, however, I go to Chabad at the Beaches but Im not technically a member. My dad is the unofficial membership president but I cant go on Saturdays which is the "regular" day to go. This Temple is actually somewhat orthodox but it is also, surprisingly, at least to me, the most laid back accepting temple I've ever been too. They absolutely will not do an interfaith marriage however. You make a good point that I wasnt empathizing well with in that "why, other than money or altruism, would a rabbi of a specific congregation want to do such a ceremony?" I dont know, but im hoping :)

[gottimd]

I had an interfaith marriage in NY, so I guess a rabbi was easier to find. I skimmed over what you wrote but where are you getting married? Is it a place where they could recommend someone?

We got married at a nice hotel, we had the Wedding Coordinator suggest some rabbi's and priests. We also had to attend an interfaith pre-cana which had Priests and Rabbi's and we spoke to them there. We googled as well just to see what was out there.

I know about the shady rabbi dealings because we contacted one (we are in DC but she is from NY) who wanted us to come up and meet with her almost on a weekly basis and buy her lunch in Manhattan.

You shouldn't have to buy flights, hotels, etc for a rabbi unless you are flying in some A-list celebrity Rabbi. We paid I think $600 for our rabbi, which was basically the going rate, and that was it.

[wade moore]

good point, however, I go to Chabad at the Beaches but Im not technically a member. My dad is the unofficial membership president but I cant go on Saturdays which is the "regular" day to go. This Temple is actually somewhat orthodox but it is also, surprisingly, at least to me, the most laid back accepting temple I've ever been too. They absolutely will not do an interfaith marriage however. You make a good point that I wasnt empathizing well with in that "why, other than money or altruism, would a rabbi of a specific congregation want to do such a ceremony?" I dont know, but im hoping :)

Yeah, and I may have come off too much like i was criticizing and not giving help.. but I guess my thought is you are doing a LOT to try and find someone now and not having success, that makes me think that it's not so easy.. my impression is that it is going to be (as you stated) much more difficult to find a Rabbi to do this as I believe they tend to do less "cooperating" with other faiths, whereas you can find pretty loose christian denominations that don't get hung up with that kind of stuff..

It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes doing what you're trying to do much more difficult. is there a potential to travel a bit away to do a wedding? For example, Jon mentions the duo in Atlanata.. I imagine part of that is being in a major city, where I imagine you'd have an easier time...

[Barkeep49]

Not to be rude or anything but if you don't go on Shabbat when exactly do you go to the temple?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Hey Flasch, I know this might be a long shot but ... I wonder if there might be some sort of Jewish singles group(s) in the Jax area? If so, they might have a forum or bulletin board, maybe somebody has discussed a solution to this dilemma on there?

[gottimd]

Not to be rude or anything but if you don't go on Shabbat when exactly do you go to the temple?

Just the high holidays I assume (Rosh, YK, Pass?) Unless I misunderstood that question, isn't that like saying well if you don't go to church every Sunday, then when do you go?

[Flasch186]

Not to be rude or anything but if you don't go on Shabbat when exactly do you go to the temple?

Right, I go sometimes when they call and dont have minion, my granfather's kaddish, the high holidays, when I can, when its convenient, etc. etc.......basically not enough but I do the best I can.

[Mustang]

Does it have to be a Rabbi? Could you find one person to perform both pieces?

For our wedding, we found an ex-priest that helped us write our own ceremony. Perhaps you could do the same, write it up yourselves and have one person perform it.

Just a thought..

[Subby]

religion is hard

[flere-imsaho]

I've PMed Flasch some info, but thought I'd share my experience as a way of heading off some misconceptions before they get out of hand (not that they are, but they could).

My wife and I have an interfaith marriage. She's Jewish, I was brought up as a Protestant generalist (several different churches, ending up basically agnostic). It is very difficult to find a rabbi who will perform an interfaith marriage. Many (most?) Reform rabbis, almost all Conservative rabbis, and I would assume certainly all Orthodox rabbis view interfaith marriages as "bad".

Reform and Conservative rabbis mostly seem to take this view because they assume an interfaith marriage will result in the children not being raised as Jews, which will result in a declining population of the faith. Some Conservative rabbis, and certainly (I would assume) all Orthodox rabbis are against interfaith marriages just on principle.

(NOTE: When I say "interfaith", I mean Jew-Other, as opposed to, say, Catholic-Muslim. Rabbis might have views on other interfaith marriages, but I'm speaking only to the specific case here).

Thus, if you're looking for a rabbi to perform an interfaith marriage, you've immediately cut out all Orthodox rabbis, almost all Conservative rabbis, and a good portion of Reform rabbis. Having said that, if the non-Jew is willing to convert, based on my research I'd say most Conservative rabbis will then perform the ceremony, and some Orthodox rabbis will as well. Yeah, when they say "Orthodox", they mean "Orthodox". :)

Anyway, out of the population of Reform rabbis who will perform an interfaith ceremony, only a small subset will perform it with a member of another religion's clergy. On top of that, only a subset of other religions' clergy will perform an interfaith ceremony with a rabbi.

Assuming you get that far, however, you then have the issue of the location. Not many synagogues allow interfaith marriages on their premises (and those that do are almost all certainly Reform) - even if it is their rabbi who is performing the marriage!

So, anyway, this is going to be very difficult for Flasch to achieve.

Our experience was made much easier by lacking a number of requirements that Flasch has. First of all, we live in the Chicago area, which has a large number of temples and rabbis and a pretty strong group of Reform congregations. Secondly, although I didn't plan to convert (right away), I had no problem agreeing to raise my kids as Jewish. Thirdly, I had no requirement to include "my" religion, since, effectively, I don't really have one. Fourth, the venue we selected for the ceremony (and reception) was not, and was never planned to be, a synagogue.

So, relatively-speaking, it was only moderately difficult for us to find a rabbi, in Chicago, who would happily perform the ceremony. Before getting married we even attended an (optional) 8-week "course" he put on for interfaith couples, which touched on things like introducing/re-introducing the basic precepts of the Jewish faith, discussions of the challenges of an interfaith marriage, etc..., which we took with about 10 other interfaith couples, and was really a great experience. He also asked us to promise to raise the kids in the Jewish faith which, as I said before, is something with which I do not have a problem, since I don't feel I have a faith of my own to give them, and my wife's faith means a good deal to her anyway.

So, anyway, good luck Flasch.


Oh, and to clarify two things:

1. It's not uncommon for Jews to cast about for a synagogue/rabbi when they're about to get married, as a fair number lose their connection to their childhood temple anyway, or for some reason don't necessarily want to get married there. However, I don't really think this is all that different from some of the decisions regarding clergy/locale that Christian couples go through in the U.S.

2. Jews attending temple only for Rosh Hashannah & Yom Kippur is basically just like Christians attending church only for Christmas and Easter. If anything, it's even more pronounced.

[mrsimperless]

I was bitten by a stray dog as a kid. I had to go to the hospital and get 16 shots in my stomach because they were afraid I might have contracted rabbis.

[gottimd]

Its interesting to hear different sides of this marriage process. Me being Jewish, and my wife Catholic (she wants to convert now), we had a harder time with the Catholic church than with "my peeps". The Rabbi basically said "here is my fee, tell me where it is".

The Church made us go through PreCana, which sounds exactly like what flere was describing below, except we did the abridged 3 night class for 3 hours each. It was interesting to see so many interfaith marriages about to happen and hear all of the stories about their parents not being happy, especially grandparents who are old school religious people (ie Marry within and thats it, no exceptions!)

The Church wouldn't allow outdoor weddings, do to recent people basically "mocking" the institution of marriage, like getting married in Hot Air Balloons, Beaches, etc. The also had many other requirements, but I can't remember now. The only requirement my entire family said was to make sure the preist didn't say Jesus Christ. Only refer to God.

It has become so common these days for interfaith marriages, you would think you could find either denomination to co-lead the ceremony. We had a foreign priest who actually sounded like Sean Connery. The older women loved him.

[wade moore]

Its interesting to hear different sides of this marriage process. Me being Jewish, and my wife Catholic (she wants to convert now), we had a harder time with the Catholic church than with "my peeps". The Rabbi basically said "here is my fee, tell me where it is".

The Church made us go through PreCana, which sounds exactly like what flere was describing below, except we did the abridged 3 night class for 3 hours each. It was interesting to see so many interfaith marriages about to happen and hear all of the stories about their parents not being happy, especially grandparents who are old school religious people (ie Marry within and thats it, no exceptions!)

The Church wouldn't allow outdoor weddings, do to recent people basically "mocking" the institution of marriage, like getting married in Hot Air Balloons, Beaches, etc. The also had many other requirements, but I can't remember now. The only requirement my entire family said was to make sure the preist didn't say Jesus Christ. Only refer to God.

It has become so common these days for interfaith marriages, you would think you could find either denomination to co-lead the ceremony. We had a foreign priest who actually sounded like Sean Connery. The older women loved him.

See, this is why I said there are christian faiths that are more lenient.. I would imagine, from my knowledge, that Catholic priests are about as difficult as Rabbis... For instance, I have a friend that had a hard enough time finding a Catholic priest that would come do the ceremony at the non-denominational chapel at the college.

[JonInMiddleGA]

BTW, my wife filled in the blank for me on the "not-quite-Rabbi" I was trying to think of earlier.

He was a cantor (or chazzan), and from what I can tell from a little Googling, he's approved by the faith to conduct weddings (among other things). Would that maybe work for you? Or do you specifically want a rabbi?

Also, as we try to figure out solutions/advice -- do you mind telling what denomination your fiance is? I ask because that rabbi/priest combo I mentioned earlier is strictly a joint Jewish/Catholic affair (i.e. the priest strictly does Catholic ritual, not generic Protestant).

[Mr. Wednesday]

See, this is why I said there are christian faiths that are more lenient.. I would imagine, from my knowledge, that Catholic priests are about as difficult as Rabbis... For instance, I have a friend that had a hard enough time finding a Catholic priest that would come do the ceremony at the non-denominational chapel at the college.

My brother, who is (AFAIK) areligious, and his wife were married by a Catholic priest in a non-Catholic church. Actually, I think that was easier (with him not being Catholic) than getting married in Catholic church would have been. I think they were required to do some pre-marriage classes, and to agree to raise their children Catholic. I'm not aware that they had any difficulty getting the priest to agree to do this. Of course, this was a somewhat small-town area, and the priest oversaw the church where she attended growing up.

[Flasch186]

BTW, my wife filled in the blank for me on the "not-quite-Rabbi" I was trying to think of earlier.

He was a cantor (or chazzan), and from what I can tell from a little Googling, he's approved by the faith to conduct weddings (among other things). Would that maybe work for you? Or do you specifically want a rabbi?

Also, as we try to figure out solutions/advice -- do you mind telling what denomination your fiance is? I ask because that rabbi/priest combo I mentioned earlier is strictly a joint Jewish/Catholic affair (i.e. the priest strictly does Catholic ritual, not generic Protestant).


Basically she's baptist but she's about as baptist as I am Jewish, sans the cultural and family tradition stuff. I guess, it doesnt have to be a rabbi but basically we were going for this:

An event where we could instead of reinforcing certain members of each of our distant families, feelings of doubt about interfaith we could instead show a beautiful event that shows both as being acceptable, beautiful, and symbiotic. So as long as the rabbi/Chazzan and minister each gets to inject the canons and rituals in the event, works together to paint a big beautiful picture, and is recognized by the state.

thanks for all the help thus far.

[Joe]

just get married at city hall. there is no need for a big wedding if you're already fucking

[Senator]

just get married at city hall. there is no need for a big wedding if you're already fucking

This should be a city hall's marketing campaign slogan. Revenues would go through the roof.

[digamma]

I went to a wedding last night with a rabbi and an episcopal priest doing the ceremony. They book themselves out together and had their act down. Rabbi opened it saying they would be combining traditions and that if you tried to keep score with what was what, you were missing the point. Priest also made some comments about how the combined traditions were a metaphor for accepting the other as they were. All in all, a really nice service (even with, I kid you not, R2-D2 as the ring bearer, and the bride tripping and face planting on the way down the aisle).

[Flasch186]

Im pursuing a combo out of Savannah that was reccomended by a rabbi that was reccomended by someone on here. The guy told me to email him, which I did and hasnt responded in a week....so Im crossing my fingers on that one. If he wont do it, Ill probably pursue the "Hollywood Rabbi" out of south Florida:

http://www.rabbionline.com/

This guy who say he will coofficiate so Ill chase him but Im really going crazy about this. No one from Jville will do it period, from the Jewish side, coofficiating. Thanks for everyone's help in this matter!!

If these 2 dont pan out, do you think you have the ability to find out who were those 2 who did that one, you were just at?