Butter
10-23-2006, 05:42 PM
Hi, my name is Richie McWealthy. I’m 21, American, and I’ve recently come into a large sum of money thanks to my dad, Moneybags McWealthy. I’ve already had 3 years with my trust fund, and I’ve found my true passion in life… English football.
As such, I’ve decided to purchase a team. But see, I like to have fun too. I’m not in this just to win, I’m in this to HAVE FUN. And, I was thinking, what would be the most fun to me?
Well, very few people know that as a young boy, I spent many months with my uncle Loaded McWealthy, in the South Coast of England. I remember him as a fanatical Southampton Saints fan. Uncle Loaded had the red and white stripes everywhere… his car, his clothes, his house… he even had a Saints room inside his house near the coast. Another thing I remember… he lived very near Portsmouth. Those people were the nastiest people you could ever hope to meet. Every time they’d see Uncle Loaded’s car coming, they’d steer at him, then after they’d forced him from the road, drive away laughing and honking. My Uncle was too proud to hide his fanaticism, but the people of Portsmouth were too stubborn to leave him alone. His house would be vandalized, his car burgled. Hell, I remember one time we were in a local pub trying to enjoy a simple lunch when we were accosted by a number of Pompey fans… my uncle was embarrassed. He was saddened. But he taught me a very important lesson: to always be proud of who you were…. Well, 2 lessons. Be proud, and always root against Portsmouth.
It’s pained me the last few years to watch Portsmouth’s ascendancy to respectability in the English Premier League. I thought that perhaps I should buy Southampton and lead them back to the promised land. But I have faith in their current ownership to take the right path back. What I can’t stand, however, is those Pompey bastards rubbing the Saints’ fans in the dirt every day. Just because you’ve had a good couple of years doesn’t mean you’re suddenly God’s gift to football.
So, my friends, it is with great secrecy (I can trust you, right?) and great pride that today I have bought the majority stake in Portsmouth Football Club. To make money? No, I’ve got more money than I could ever count. No, friends, I plan to take this club straight down the table… all the way out of the Football Leagues! Then maybe Uncle Loaded can rest in piece (he died in a tragic lorry accident… no, I still don’t know what a lorry is either).
House rules
Here are the house rules. I’ve got my eye on a number of crappy coaches, so that is not the problem. The problem is, I don’t want to get lynched. As such, the fans can’t know what I’m up to. Therefore, I shall always take the recommendation of my assistant manager for the starting lineup.
Also, I can’t just throw crazy tactics out there, like a 1-3-6. It has to LOOK reasonable. So, again, we shall take the assistant manager’s suggestion on tactics as well. But I may tinker with it. For example, if we’re playing a great counter-attacking team, I’ll be sure to instruct the coach to attack early and often so as to maximize the other team’s chances.
Another thing…. Money is no object. I am not going to just sell off all the good players. That would be far too easy, and obvious to the fans. I have not set any hard and fast rules as far as that goes, but you can bet we’re going to be bringing in a lot of players who look to be very promising… but in the end will hopefully bust, and bust hard.
Otherwise, it’s business as usual. I will be puppeting all of the coaches comments to the media, the team, and the fans. I will be sure to miss no opportunity to make Portsmouth an embarrassment to all of English football. To make sure that the fans feel as embarrassed as they made my Uncle Loaded feel in the beautiful red and white of Southampton….
So, let’s get on with it… DOWN WITH POMPEY!!!
As such, I’ve decided to purchase a team. But see, I like to have fun too. I’m not in this just to win, I’m in this to HAVE FUN. And, I was thinking, what would be the most fun to me?
Well, very few people know that as a young boy, I spent many months with my uncle Loaded McWealthy, in the South Coast of England. I remember him as a fanatical Southampton Saints fan. Uncle Loaded had the red and white stripes everywhere… his car, his clothes, his house… he even had a Saints room inside his house near the coast. Another thing I remember… he lived very near Portsmouth. Those people were the nastiest people you could ever hope to meet. Every time they’d see Uncle Loaded’s car coming, they’d steer at him, then after they’d forced him from the road, drive away laughing and honking. My Uncle was too proud to hide his fanaticism, but the people of Portsmouth were too stubborn to leave him alone. His house would be vandalized, his car burgled. Hell, I remember one time we were in a local pub trying to enjoy a simple lunch when we were accosted by a number of Pompey fans… my uncle was embarrassed. He was saddened. But he taught me a very important lesson: to always be proud of who you were…. Well, 2 lessons. Be proud, and always root against Portsmouth.
It’s pained me the last few years to watch Portsmouth’s ascendancy to respectability in the English Premier League. I thought that perhaps I should buy Southampton and lead them back to the promised land. But I have faith in their current ownership to take the right path back. What I can’t stand, however, is those Pompey bastards rubbing the Saints’ fans in the dirt every day. Just because you’ve had a good couple of years doesn’t mean you’re suddenly God’s gift to football.
So, my friends, it is with great secrecy (I can trust you, right?) and great pride that today I have bought the majority stake in Portsmouth Football Club. To make money? No, I’ve got more money than I could ever count. No, friends, I plan to take this club straight down the table… all the way out of the Football Leagues! Then maybe Uncle Loaded can rest in piece (he died in a tragic lorry accident… no, I still don’t know what a lorry is either).
House rules
Here are the house rules. I’ve got my eye on a number of crappy coaches, so that is not the problem. The problem is, I don’t want to get lynched. As such, the fans can’t know what I’m up to. Therefore, I shall always take the recommendation of my assistant manager for the starting lineup.
Also, I can’t just throw crazy tactics out there, like a 1-3-6. It has to LOOK reasonable. So, again, we shall take the assistant manager’s suggestion on tactics as well. But I may tinker with it. For example, if we’re playing a great counter-attacking team, I’ll be sure to instruct the coach to attack early and often so as to maximize the other team’s chances.
Another thing…. Money is no object. I am not going to just sell off all the good players. That would be far too easy, and obvious to the fans. I have not set any hard and fast rules as far as that goes, but you can bet we’re going to be bringing in a lot of players who look to be very promising… but in the end will hopefully bust, and bust hard.
Otherwise, it’s business as usual. I will be puppeting all of the coaches comments to the media, the team, and the fans. I will be sure to miss no opportunity to make Portsmouth an embarrassment to all of English football. To make sure that the fans feel as embarrassed as they made my Uncle Loaded feel in the beautiful red and white of Southampton….
So, let’s get on with it… DOWN WITH POMPEY!!!