The French Military

[Bee]

The french military is being discussed on another board that I read and someone came up with this record of their success. I found it interesting, although a little slanted. :)

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War – Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

[Airhog]

Thats pretty funny.

[SplitPersonality1]

"French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French."

Hehehe. :D

[Fritz]

that was on a radio show the other day.

[Alf]

Ok, I surrender :D

[Ben E Lou]

Good stuff Bee.

[Tarkus]

Now you know why they are so vehemently opposed to going to war against Iraq. ;)

Tarkus

[Fritz]

I just want to know if france has any more land to sell.

[Hammer755]

Originally posted by Tarkus
Now you know why they are so vehemently opposed to going to war against Iraq. ;)

Tarkus

They would be playing right into Saddam's hands. His entire goal in defying UN sanctions is to draw the French in, conquer them, and annex their supply of berets.

[Tarkus]

Originally posted by Hammer755
They would be playing right into Saddam's hands. His entire goal in defying UN sanctions is to draw the French in, conquer them, and annex their supply of berets.
:D :D :D

Tarkus

[dacman]

Originally posted by Bee
The french military is being discussed on another board...

You're a snopster! :)

[Bee]

Same board.

A Marine's letter home.....

Dear Dad: A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia): A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.

I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface [again] at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers. I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway.

Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.

He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multinational Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman. He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Dad, tell Mom I love her,

Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth Johnson Lt Col., USMC

[sachmo71]

I think I want to marry Lieutenant Colonel Mary Beth Johnson, USMC. You have to love a woman who will offer to kick a Frenchman's ass!

[Kodos]

Originally posted by SplitPersonality1
"French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French."

Hehehe. :D

That was my favorite one too.

[Craptacular]

They did have one stirring victory:

from this website: (http://linux1.netconx.de/~wolf/python/grail.french.html)

King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants, "ride" up to a castle. King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn.

Arthur: HELLO!

(waits)

Bedevere: HELLO!

(waits)

An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart. It speaks in an outrageous French accent.

Soldier: 'Allo! 'Oo is it?
Arthur: It is I, King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Lombard.
A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already got one, you see?
A: What?
Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!
A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.
(to the other soldiers:) I told 'em we've already *got* one!
(they snicker)
A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um... Can we come up and have a look?
S: Of course not! You are English types.
A: Well, what are you then?
S: (Indignant) Ah'm French! Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly king?!
A: What are you doing in *England*?
S: Mind your own business!
A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person! Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!

(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)

Lancelot: What a strange person.
A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper! Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!

Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
S: No!! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
(pause)

A: Now this is your last chance! I've been more than reasonable....
S: (to four other soldiers, standing behind him on the rampart)
Fetchez la vache.
Other Soldier: qua?
S: Fetchez la vache!

(the other soldiers are seen leading a cow... mooing noises)

A: (continued) ...if you do not agree to my commands, than I shall--

(Boing! The cow goes flying through the air over the rampart...
A: Jesus Christ!
(...and lands, amid great mooing, on one of the footmen. Various crying-outs from Arthur's party.)

A: (determined) Right!
(drawing sword) CHARGE!
Rest of Arthur's Party: CHAAAARGE!

(As they run towards the French Castle, swords drawn, they are met by a huge onslaught of live animals of all sizes, that come plummeting down from the ramparts of the castle. Amid screams, they all turn back before even reaching the castle walls, save Launcelot, who reaches the stone wall in time to give it one stroke with his sword before retreating.)

French Soldier: (throwing down a goose) Hey, this one is for your mother!
(and a duck) And this one's for your gran!

Arthur's party: (hastily retreating) Run away!
RUN AWAAAAY!

Launcelot: (as they hunker down behind a grassy knoll out of flying-animal's reach of the castle) Fiends, I'll tear them apart!
Arthur: No no, no!!
Bedevere: (to Arthur) Sir... I have a plan, sir.

There follows a long scene where the french soldier, stationed atop the rampart, surveys the surrounding countryside and sees nothing, but hears various sounds of construction (hammering, the felling of trees, chain saws being operated) from the woods. Eventually, amid a great squeaking of wooden wheels, a giant wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the forest by Arthur's group. They wheel it right up to the front gates of the French Castle and leave it there, returning to their concealed spot behind the knoll to watch.

A minute later, the castle gate opens and a french soldier peeks out. His head disappears and he can be heard speaking with the others.

Soldier: C'est la Paune, le patabua!
2nd Soldier: Qua?

Three soliders' heads appear around the end of the door and disappear again.

Soldier: Un Cadeau!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: A present!
2nd Soldier: Ah, un Cadeau!
Soldier: Allons-y, allons-y!
2nd Soldier: What?
Soldier: Let's go!
2nd Soldier: Ah!

The three French Soldiers creep out and wheel the rabbit into the castle, closing the gate behind them.

behind the knoll:
Arthur: (to Bedevere) What happens now?
Bedevere: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by suprise. Not only by suprise, but totally alarmed!

Arthur: *Who* leaps out?
Bedevere: (pointing to each knight as he names him) Uh... Launcelot, Galahad, and I.... uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and, uh....

Launcelot: (groans)
Bedevere: (pause) Oh... um, look, if we built this large wooden Badger.... Arthur knocks him on the head.

Just then, the rabbit comes soaring over the castle wall. The party disbands amid great shouts of "Run away, run away!", but the rabbit lands on yet another helpless footman. Cries of distress.


*** Snap! "Picture for schools, take eight." ***

An old historian is standing in the woods, offering commentary on the story.

Director: (off camera) Action!

Historian: (to camera) Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by suprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.

[ACStrider]

"Your loving daughter,

Mary Beth Johnson Lt Col., USMC"

The whole quote didn't fit on my screen, so when I scrolled down and saw this at the end I laughed doublely hard. :D

[Dutch]

Looks like a lot of fun on that board? Where do you go, Bee????

Those are GREAT! ROFLMAO!!!! :D

[Bee]

Originally posted by Dutch
Looks like a lot of fun on that board? Where do you go, Bee????

Those are GREAT! ROFLMAO!!!! :D

Anandtech.com

I went there for some help with my computer a few years ago and started reading the off-topic forum. It's a much younger crowd, so I don't post there much but I still wander in every so often. While the majority of the posts are uninformed, it is a step up from the yahoo forums. :)

The nice thing about it is the board is VERY active which gives me something to read while waiting for work files to load, etc. when this forum is a little slow.