Friends with the ex a bad idea?

[korme]

My girlfriend and I split up last Friday (not yesterday), and it was not easy for either of us. It is also a little coplicated because we were best friends for a year before we decided to date this past January. So this first full week was tough, I was in such a poor mood it wasn't like me (and subsequently turned me into a full-on alcoholic!). Just wondering how she's doing, if she's having fun, etc.

Well yesterday I was finally turning the corner a bit and all in all was having a great day. Then she called me and I decided to answer. This turned into an hour long talk about everything and how she wanted to still remain great friends. I was ok with that.

Then she called me just a bit ago and we talked again. Now that I am off the phone I have reverted back to a few days ago. I don't think I can handle "just being friends" with her, you know what I mean. I guess I came here just to vent but any tips or prior experience with something like this would be nice. I've had 2 prior relationships but on those I had just met the girls, I wasn't already fully aware of them if you know what I mean.

Sucks.

[sabotai]

That does suck. To answer the question, yeah, it's a pretty bad idea. At least right away. You need time and going right back to being friends will not work out.

Sounds like you both just miss each other and want to keep being friends because of that, and that's a bad recipe for staying friends. You'll go back to "relationship mode", at least in part and in your mind, and sooner or later one of you will meet someone and the other will get jealous and it'll be "break up mode" all over again. You have to wait until you both are used to not having the other one around before 'being friends' can possibly work out (not to mention that you both have to be completely over each other).

[Oilers9911]

There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex. However, it's not a good idea this soon. There are still open wounds to heal. After some time goes by then there is a good chance that you can be friends again.

[Deattribution]

Agree with others, I'd tell her you want some time - take a few weeks then revisit the idea. It tends to be alot easier that way.

[korme]

Yeah, you all are right. She's leaving in 2 weeks to go home for the summer, which might be bad because I'm afraid I'll want to take advantage of the "2 weeks left." But I can't think that way.

[Solecismic]

By a careful formula of weighing your post count against your words-per-post ratio, and indexing that with your Avoids Drops rating, I have determined that you will get back together with her three times before the relationship finally ends for good.

Don't worry, many people go through this cycle on the path to a breakup. It's part of the healing process.

Whenever someone can describe it like this:

My girlfriend and I split up last Friday (not yesterday), and it was not easy for either of us.

... you are headed down this well-worn path. Don't fight it. Accept it for what it is. The three I came up with is based on a tested scientific method, and it's best just accept that as fact and not question the reasoning. The only way you can lower this number is revenge sex with her best friend (or her having revenge sex with your best friend).

Enjoy her. If you don't get to three, she's yours to keep. And that's not a bad thing at all - we place too much weight on experience these days.

One more thing, if you have a buddy who you've complained about her to, do not listen to a word he says about her while you're broken up. Or you'll unfairly resent him when you get back together. He gets a full pass in the meantime. If he's really your buddy, he'll understand, and you should, too.

[SackAttack]

My girlfriend and I split up last Friday (not yesterday), and it was not easy for either of us. It is also a little coplicated because we were best friends for a year before we decided to date this past January. So this first full week was tough, I was in such a poor mood it wasn't like me (and subsequently turned me into a full-on alcoholic!). Just wondering how she's doing, if she's having fun, etc.

Well yesterday I was finally turning the corner a bit and all in all was having a great day. Then she called me and I decided to answer. This turned into an hour long talk about everything and how she wanted to still remain great friends. I was ok with that.

Then she called me just a bit ago and we talked again. Now that I am off the phone I have reverted back to a few days ago. I don't think I can handle "just being friends" with her, you know what I mean. I guess I came here just to vent but any tips or prior experience with something like this would be nice. I've had 2 prior relationships but on those I had just met the girls, I wasn't already fully aware of them if you know what I mean.

Sucks.

"Friends with the ex" is generally not something that works out terribly well in the immediate aftermath of a relationship because of the baggage there. I don't mean baggage in the sense of "something was wrong with the relationship," but rather baggage in the sense of "it's fairly difficult to just flush the emotional and physical stuff from the system in just a week."

[Young Drachma]

It really depends on who she is and how she reacts to things. If you all were friends before you broke up, then maybe you know each other well enough that stuff isn't going to be as odd as someone that you just dated solely.

But I would keep it cool for a little bit, if you do indeed want to stay broken up. Otherwise, roll with it.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Who is this new Shorty3281 fellow, and how did he manage to make 10000 posts so fast?

[Desmond]

Tell her that even though the relationship was Bowdened, and your heart is Griffeyed, you still loved Harranging her for the past few months and you hope that in the future you 2 can Josh Hamilton together, but for right now you have to Austin Kearns because everytime you see each other it's either gonna be Adam Dunn or Adam Dunn. At some point you'll get to a nice, steady Ryan Freel but right now you're just mike Stantoning your way thru this. I'm sorry Shorty, but for now you've got Edwin Encarnacion her, even though some day you may want to Edwin Encarnacion her back.

[ISiddiqui]

Its not a bad idea per se, but it is difficult and you may need a little bit of time apart (not like years, but longer than a week). I'm best friends with my ex, but after we broke up, we were like 900 miles away from each during that summer. We talked on the phone a bit during that time, but the distance was good and allowed a friendship to actually work afterwards.

[Izulde]

Agreed with pretty much everything that's been voiced here, especially the commentary about relationship mode cycle if friendship is retained.

You go through the whole.. maybe it's still possible and can be saved thing, because the feelings are still there to at least some degree.

[Izulde]

dola,

I've always managed to stay on good terms with exs though. Two of them I'd consider friends, the other I'd consider a mostly cordial acquaintance.

[Senator]

Once you have entered the inner sanctum, watching other dudes going for victory is a shitty deal. I don't think you will ever get used to it. And it will happen. And all those sincere words from her about you being her "best friend" will suddenly feel like a con job.

[DaddyTorgo]

I have some great quotes about this type of thing. I am on the road but when I get home tomorrow I will try to dig them up.

[cartman]

Dude, whatever you do, don't turn into AJ Soprano.

[Vinatieri for Prez]

Cut the ties permanently. End of story. Otherwise, you're looking at many months of depression and missing out on all the fresh p_ _ _t_ _g during that time.

[Tigercat]

It can make for a great friendship, but if its a good idea for you now is hard to say. If you feel better when shes not a big part of your life because you need time to move on, then be honest with her if you can and tell her that. Take your time, the friendship will be there later.

I think its silly to say all relationships and people are the same and that friendships with ex's should always be avoided (or attempted for that matter).

[korme]

As I begin to write this following post I just took a big sigh. I appreciate the previous and following posts that will come.

I was out drinking with a mutual buddy tonight. By mutual, I mean I consider him a good, check that great, friend that has been partying with the people she's been hanging out with since our split. He tells me the DAY after we broke up she stayed with a buddy of mine. I don't want to jump to conclusions but shady is written all over it. My head wants to think the worst but my heart wants to assume she just got drunk and passed out. This is why I immediately regret talking to her and buying into the "I am so unhappy without you" BS. Man... I feel like such an idiot. I truly considered settling down with this one and now I want to say she might be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I am a wreck and it's probably not good news that I only find solace in that I can vent to a message board. I know the advice that is about to comeforth, but it is going to hurt like hell no matter what.

[st.cronin]

Welcome to the club. Been there, done that.

[Eaglesfan27]

Welcome to the club. Been there, done that.


Ditto. I imagine that most of us have been through this at some point. My similar experience was also in my freshman year of college.

[Izulde]

Welcome to the club. Been there, done that.

Got the T-shirt to boot.

Incidentally, she's not the best thing to have happened to you, nor is she the worst (though I know it sure as hell doesn't seem that way right about now).

She's a memory, a learning experience not only about her and relationships, but about yourself.

[Abe Sargent]

Im friends with all of my exes, many of them very close friends. You need two things:

1). A couple of weeks without her.

2). A rebound chick to date for a bit.

Then you'll be fine.

[amdaily]

Fuck that last post, Anx.

1. You need to go back through the drunk guy posts. Similar shit went on their in late '05, early '06.

2. This is the best thing to ever happen to you. This bitch wasn't the one, so imagine what happens had she not went off and fucked this guy. 2 years from now you end up married with 2 kids, a dog, and a mortage.

When she finally realizes this isn't her thing and starts screwing around with some hobo loser, you now have a custody battle, house payments, and someone is trying to kill fucking Lassie! Man you think shit is bad now...

3. Find yourself some new music, start going to the gym (yes, it really helps) and before you know it, you'll find the next "one," ... and this bitch won't cross you mind but once in a blue moon.

edit - Oh yeah, I gots us free brandy in the drunk thread tonight! Woot!

[sabotai]

I was out drinking with a mutual buddy tonight. By mutual, I mean I consider him a good, check that great, friend that has been partying with the people she's been hanging out with since our split. He tells me the DAY after we broke up she stayed with a buddy of mine.

Ain't college fun?

I don't want to jump to conclusions but shady is written all over it. My head wants to think the worst but my heart wants to assume she just got drunk and passed out.

The heart is a total romantic. Never listen to it. Ever.

And yeah, "been there, done that". It really sucks now, but in a few days you'll be fine, but the last thing you can possibly do is shut everyone out and drink alone. You've got to get out and be around other people, do things you wouldn't or couldn't do with the ball and chain. Before you know it, you'll realize you are better off, and not give a shit that she's a dirty whore.

She wasn't "the one", she's just "the first one". They'll be other "one"s out there that you'll consider settling down with, the whole marriage and kids, and all that other life-ending crap, and it just won't work out. The only reason that stuff entered your head is because you are growing up and thinking to the future, instead of doing what teenagers do, which is only "live in the now" and don't think of the future at all. You considering that stuff says a lot more about you than about her and your relationship with her.

My advise is to knock it off. Don't grow up! Growing up sucks! Only "live in the now" and be happy! :)

[Senator]

Don't feel like an idiot, feel liberated. You have entered the fire and have been forged. All men have to go through this at least once, and you will come out wiser and better prepared.

Smile, realizing you have the knowledge that from this comes better things. I guarantee it. Keep the self destructive shit to a minimum, and focus on doing things that make you happy. This is the stuff of every great success story!

[Vinatieri for Prez]

I highly recommend you get somewhat drunk with hot chicks who are very drunk. This will not only ease the pain, but totally erase it.

[Karlifornia]

Put me in the "stay the hell away for a good long while" camp. It will seem difficult, but it will really save you some sleepless nights.

[amdaily]

I highly recommend you get somewhat drunk with hot chicks who are very drunk. This will not only ease the pain, but totally erase it.

Where exactly is this party going on at? I'll take Shorty there!

[flere-imsaho]

Shorty is clearly me about 16 years ago. Run Shorty Run!!!

[weegeebored]

A long time ago, when I put my psychology degree to work, I used to tell people this: "Don't turn friends into lovers or lovers into friends." Nothing good ever seems to come out of it if you do.

[korme]

So she has just confessed to kissing two guys while we were together and staying with one of them when I was in NY. What a fucking whorebag... Infidelity rocks!!!1 This yesterday's and today's news almost helps though because now all the entertaining thoughts of going for round 2 are out the door and I just have a profround hatred of her right now.

Thanks for the advice, fellas. Chin up, there are many fishies in the sea.

edit: She sent me this message after I called her a liar and a P.o.s.

I am all out [of lies]. I am so glad we were together but I really wished we hadn't been I knew I would do this to you. I tried to tell you what a bad person I was so many times without coming out and saying it. I have hurt boyfriends before but never my best friend and I don't think I can handle this. I have to go. Sorry

How should I respond? Or do I even respond?

[Noop]

Don't post fake pics :(

Is it me or is it everytime I dont care for a chick she doesn't cheat or anything but I slang the pipe around. When I care for a girl she ends up cheating on me or acting weird only to find out she has been taking pipe from another black guy.

[Izulde]

How should I respond? Or do I even respond?

Don't respond. Separation time is clearly needed. Now is as good as any.

[korme]

Don't post fake pics :(

Is it me or is it everytime I dont care for a chick she doesn't cheat or anything but I slang the pipe around. When I care for a girl she ends up cheating on me or acting weird only to find out she has been taking pipe from another black guy.

Noop I tend to agree. The other relationships I had I was in my late teen's and just didn't care. Now I let my guard down and it comes back to bite me in the ass. But I guess I gotta look at it this way... I'm 21 there is plenty of time for me to enjoy being single and cross that next bridge when I come to it.

[Senator]

Don't respond.

The best revenge is to kick ass in life. When I was 21 this happened to me. When I was 26 this happened to me. When I was 30, it didn't happen, and you want to know why? She was the one.

Time is on your side.

[Solecismic]

Think of it this way: by finally coming clean, she's saved you a lot of time. No sense responding, if you only want to strike out at her. That's not going to make you feel any better. Striking out will only justify her behavior. If you do respond, keep it simple and short, like "thanks for letting me know."

[MrBug708]

I had an ex gf who the day after I ended it (and my stuff was thrown all over her lawn) decided that she could wait for me to be ready and wanted to be friends. After a couple days of her calling me a few times each day to talk and stuff, I thought what's the point of this as we are doing what we did before and I'm not getting any of the relationship benefits. Needless to say I told her not to call me, I need space.

She was pissed but I didnt hear from her for 4-5 months

[oykib]

Let her stew in her own shit.

I say just cut her off now.

She's a bitch for doing that foul shit, and even a worse one for telling you about it to salve her conscience.

[sabotai]

How should I respond? Or do I even respond?

Sounds like she has some major self-esteem issues. She thinks she's a bad person, and thus must act accordingly to prove to other people that she is a bad person. Basically, she's not a whore....she's a crazy whore! You're lucky it only lasted a few months. I know people who wasted years on crazy whores.

Just make sure you have learned your lesson. Women fish for compliments. That is what they do. However, when a chick says she's a bad person, repeatedly, she doesn't want confirmation that she isn't, she's sending out a major red flag.

"Ugh, may hair sucks today" ---- fishing for confirmation that her hair looks fine.
"I'm a bad person. I always hurt my boyfriends." ---- crazy whore

EDIT: And to answer your question, don't respond.

[korme]

LOL, sabotai I enjoyed that post.

[gkb]

You should just respond with "/unsubscribe". Being friends with ex-girlfriends never worked out for me. I believe it's partly just my makeup and partly because most of them had cheated on me. I know some guys that are able to do it well...but I'm not one of them. Meh.

[korme]

Yeah, looking at it, I don't know if I want to even be friends with her after all is said and done, I mean, I was completely played and disrespected. If we hadn't have been together I'd be listening to her go on about this same type of thing with another guy. Well I'm not her shoulder to lean on anymore and that's definitely a feeling I didn't expect to ever have.

I'd say with my two other ex's, after a lot of time (which was easier for me then because I was the main one doing the splitting), I have become friends on a basis that I talk to them if I see them out, but no phone calls, no visits, etc. This time I might just ignore the bitch forever.

Everything I have done and choose to do will be experience in life, a stepping stone to a better direction I imagine.

Also, because I am stubborn I sent a short reply prior to most of your ideas that simply said

"Good.
Bye."

[ISiddiqui]

Shit man, sorry. That really sucks! Now that's she's "confessed" to kissing two guys and staying over with one while you were dating and right after she broke up with you she stayed over with another guy, the friendship is done. She didn't respect you when you were dating her, she doesn't deserve any from you now.

Glad to see, though, that you've come to that conclusion.

[stevew]

That sucks shorty. I'd suggest you either try to bang her mom(if she's milf-a-ble) or her sister. The whore apple does not fall far away from the whore tree. If not, otherwise you should probably just stay away. Either way, crappy situation, she shouldn't have disrespected you like that.

[johnnyshaka]

Have never spoken to any of my ex-gfs and don't ever intend to. But, the same goes for so-called friends who treat me with disrespect...I don't have the time or patience for that kind of crap and steer clear of anybody who cares to run their life in that fashion.